So apparently the holidays are when people lose their damn mind. Seriously. All you have to do is comb through any random entertainment site and you’ll see some of the most ri-damn-diculous news ever. So let us begin.

Oh and by the way, I’ve been working like an actual Hebrew slave for the past two weeks only coming up for air twice. Okay, perhaps a few more times than twice but you get my point. A brotha was doing work for his actual day job (not just the night job) at approximately 2AM on Friday night.

This AFTER leaving the night job early so that I could do work for the day job. And people say government workers don’t be doing shit. Shit. Or maybe even, sheeeeeeee-it. However, it’s back to the grill again and I’m gearing up for a busy 2008. I have so much crap on the books right now you’d think that I was 4 people. But alas, I’m only one.

But when that one is Panama Muhfuckin’ you KNOW you’re in for a treat. Word to halloween, bitches.

So onto motherfuckers losing their mind. Let’s start with Amy Winehouse.

Have you ever just been worried about somebody you don’t know? That’s me right now. I don’t particularly care for her that much however I’m worried about that dame’s mental. And not in the Michael Jackson way either. Mike seem’s harmless to me. Amy Winehouse seems like a tornado looking for her next trailer park. Her and her husband are like the white Bobby and Whitney in every possible bad way you can view that. This white-nigga is going to jail for tampering with a witness (her husband that is) and allegedly these motherfuckers have…

…wait for it…

…wait for it…

…Beautiful Love and Bitches coming soon to a ghetto near you…

…allegedly threatened suicide if they are separated for more than 5 years.

Good God. These Euros are a few sandwiches short of an English picnic. Not sure what you’d call an English picnic as I’m positive it would include tea and crumpets. So perphaps they’re a few teabags short of an English tea-time. Fuck it, you get my point.

These white people are wasting their whiteness on stupid shit and acting like ignant niggas. Word to Paul Mooney. You can read all about Amy Winehouse’s travails on tmz, vh1, MTV, hell, anywhere at this point. I beg of you not to look at her pictures. For any of us who’ve done any time in the actual hood and have seen a real crackhead, these pictures will be a painful reminder of the fact that there are white crackheads…which of course, does absolutely NOTHING for race relations in America.

White crackheads + Black crackheads = so not that hot shit. However, I’ll bet crackheads everywhere have been saying, “and here’s another hit, Barry Bonds” right before taking that drag.

Hip-hop. It’s everywhere people. Embrace it.

On to the next one…

Any long time readers of this site know that I’m an Omarion fan. I’ve actually purchased his albums and have sang their praises. What can I say? The lil’ guy’s got talent. Could use a growth spurt, but couldn’t we all? Though I must say, there must be a correlation between gaining success at an early age and lack of height. These niggas STAY short forever. Must be those weight-training regimens that give 8-year-old’s abs of steel.

Well, Omarion, or O as we affectionately call him around the Jackson G. Tickle offices, and lil Bow Weezy have recorded an album together called “Face/Off” which not coincidentally has THE gayest album cover in recent history. But whatever. Either way, Bow Wow has been on a tear lately in his attempts to understand why they (though my guess he’s wondering more from his own perspective) don’t get the respect they deserve. O has seemed pretty level headed and sane in most of the conversations but he’s begun to come out of the shell and emulate his miniature-companion. Allow me to provide a few links for you to ponder:

Please see here and here, and oh please see here.

Oy vey. People, my guitar is gently weeping. I’ve come to the conclusion that Bow Wow lives in an alternate universe where he is actually important to the progression of music as a whole. He lives in a place where his talent and not his Jermaine Dupri cookie-cutter existence is the sole reason anybody knows him at all.

You see, in the le monde de Bow Wow, he is actually a motherfucking monster rapper who’s skills are better than anybody else. Nevermind the fact that T.I. is a well known ghost-writer for him or that his ENTIRE swagger and mannerisms are completely T.I.-esque at this point which means that they are Jay inspired. He even mentions on that last video how he’s sold out Madison Square Garden’s twice and even Jay hasn’t done that. Though, that’s largely because Jay’s only done one show there, but that’s just splitting hairs now isn’t it.

Further, the fact that Jay did it once with actual grown people and not a screaming gaggle of 12-year old court cases kind of speaks volumes about Bow Wow’s actual relevance. I mean, if Bow Wow doesn’t release material, he has no fans. Jay can stop releasing material and will still have fans. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever met a person who’s said to me:

Panama, do you know who’s underrated? Bow Wow. He doesn’t get the shine he deserves. It’s been said about Omarion (though it was probably said by me, but that’s neither here nor there). In short (heh heh heh–pun intended), Bow Wow has lost his gotdamn mind.

Word to his handlers, let the imp know that he is not important. If 99 percent of LL’s fans wear high-heels, then 99 percent of Bow Wow’s fans wear training bras.

Hmm, Chris Brown has older fans than Bow Wow does. Could be because he’s taller. Me no know.

And lastly, I’d like to send a “Wow, you’re fucked” to the exec’s at Nickelodeon. It’s been reported that Jamie Lynne Spears, the younger sister of Britney Spears is pregnant. She’s the star of “Zoey 101″, a popular show on the children’s network (though grown ass people like me actually do watch Nickelodeon). Hmm, chicks get pregnant all the time.

She’s 16.

Well, Nicelodeon, how exactly to you spin yourself out of a situation where your shows push teenage innocence and mischief and one of young-as-the-fuck teenage stars is not only OBVIOUSLY fucking but has gone and got knocked the fuck up. There is no positive way to spin that. Something told me that they needed to keep that girl from her looney sister but man, she’s a 16-year-old teen star who has been knocked up by a 19-year-old.

Ruh-roh. Not sure how shit runs in Louisiana, but it seems like that’s one of those statutory rape charges that got young Genarlow Wilson sent up shit’s creek. And you know what, there is very little difference here aside from the fact that one happened in Louisiana and the other is in Georgia and different states do different shit.

Genarlow was on tape and this fellow’s evidence is in his girlfriend’s belly. And um, no pun intended there at all. Though that is a sort of double entendre thing but I’ll let the pervs run with that one.

Either way, I blame her mother for not making her understand the levity of getting pregant young. Her career? Ruined. You can’t get a job on a wholesome network or anything anymore because of this. Teenage pregnancy is not something to aspire too. And Nickelodeon is all about aspirations. Those shows all have some kind of message in them about being all you can be–and not in the army sense either.

So yes, Nicelodeon, you’re fucked. Welcome to Blackness.

Sounds like a book title doesn’ it?

2008 — the year to be.

So word to the wise — if you have any inkling of acting a damn fool between now and January 1st, just resist the temptation and wait until the next week.

It’s a much better look.

Goodnight and goodluck.

Ten points and a pack of Red Kool-Aid to anybody who can tell me where the title of this post came from!

The points can be redeemed at my new store, Black History Relics where this month’s featured gem is the other half of Kunte Kinte’s severed foot. It’s a big seller for us. If you do indeed get Kunte’s Missing Toes, we’ll also throw in the original manuscript that Alex Haley plagiarized in order to write Roots.

Good movie though. A little long, but definitely a good movie.

Christmas Day is upon us and much like everybody else, I’m scrambling like O.J. Simpson in a courtroom to determine the best gifts to bestow upon my family, friends, and loved ones–which can sometimes be family or friends, but is not always family or friends.

For instance, I love Mandy Moore, Lauren London, Christina Milian, Paula Patton, Beyoncé, Halle Berry…well you get the point and I don’t know any of them (we know one another spiritually but some of y’all claim to know God spiritually and we know that’s just not true, so let’s just pretend I didn’t just type those last, umm 31 words.). I like pretty, shiny women. Not to be confused with R.E.M. who like shiny, happy people. It’s a small but significant difference.

Anyway, as my service to mankind, I figure that I could provide some insight into the kinds of gifts that you could give to your giftees. Do you realize that he word giftee actually appears in law-language? I have always wondered why legal language was intentionally so verbose and indecipherably difficult to wade through. Then I realized the answer.

It’s because Wu-Tang loves the kids.

You know what? Remix. I’m going to tell you what kind of gifts I’d give our favorite celebrities. Yes, that’s what I’m going to do. Allons-y. Translate it bitch.

That’s so a t-shirt.

Lil’ Wayne - Some common sense and a blow up doll

Perhaps I’m the only one reading all of his interviews but he’s said some pretty uberfucking stupid shit lately. In fact, just recently, igmo said that he’s so real he’d kill a newborn baby if somebody basically wanted that beef with him. In a national publication. Word. Life. Lil Weezy needs a mentor people. Also, I’d get him the blow up doll so that he could stop kissing Baby. Please say the Baby.

50 Cent - A Bible

Mostly because I just feel like he needs Jesus but more specifically because he does live in a house that is the size of a small hotel. And all hotels have Bibles in them. Ruh-roh. I smell a story coming on.

So a few weeks back I was in Trenton, New Jersey, staying in a Marriott. Well, apparently Marriott’s have both the Bible and the Book of Mormon in their hotels. On the cover of the Book of Mormon it stated “Another Testament of something or other”. Inside the Book of Mormon, somebody had left a note that said, “There is no OTHER testament. Put this down and open the real Bible, bitch or may god bring down the wrath of the judge who sentenced Vick to 23 months in jail and a partridge in a pear tree.” Okay, about 75 percent of that was untrue, but they did leave a note in there that said Wu-Tang is for the children.

“…believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear, even if it’s spat by me, and with that said, I will kill niggas dead…” ~ Jay-Z “Ignorant Shit”

And speaking of…

Michael Vick - toothbrush, soap, doo-rag, DVD box set of Oz

Hmm….too easy drill sargeant, too easy.

Ashanti - slightly bigger drawz

Have you all seen the picture floating around the net of Ashanti’s special place? Apparently at a show she did some time ago, somebody took a picture at the most (in)opportune moment and got a crotch-shot of Ashanti’s box-o’-fun.

So, ummm, how many people are about to google that right now? It’s okay. You can be honest.

Lupe Fiasco - better beat selection(s) and better clothes

For the record, I do not like Lupe Fiasco. At all. He just doesn’t appeal to me at all. I’ve liked a total of about 2 of his songs and even then it was moreso because I was beat over the head with them. Somehow, Lupe was the posterboy for what was right with the rap until the great Lupe Fiasco of 2007 at the vh1 Hip-Honors joint. Anyway, Lupe is a damn good lyricist. I’m listening to his new album The Cool (in stores 12/18) as I type this and his beats just ain’t good. And when I say, ain’t good, I mean, ain’t good. He’s like Nas at this shit. Except at least Nas has Illmatic to fall back upon. Food & Liquor? Eh, not so much that hot shit. Oh yes, and I’d like to ask that Kanye West stop dressing Lupe Fiasco as he’s starting to look like a total funboy.

Kanye West - a hug

I have nothing to say here except that brother went from having the best. year. ever. to having the worst. year. ever. Heaven, he needs a hug way more than R. Kelly. R. Kelly doesn’t even deserve it. Hmm…

R. Kelly - a swift kick in the ass

Just because.

Paris Hilton - hmmm…

She’s been remarkably quiet over the past few months. Must be making more movies! Glory day.

On the other hand, this heffa -

Britney Spears - A Bible

Because she really does seem to need Jesus. Maybe 50 can loan her one of his.

Bow Wow & Omarion - ice cream for Bow Wow and an ultraperm for O

So apparently Bow Wow has appedicitis. Godspeed young pup. May you have a speedy recovery and return to the rash of screaming young 12-year olds upon which your career was built. Omarion, my mellow my man, you’re hair looks gay. And it looks a hot mess. And that’s a problem because most gay shit is not a hot mess. It is just gay. Which leads to some strange choices at times but those strange choices are often endorsed by Paris which is, ya know, gay, so who am I to really argue with fashion. Your hair? I argue with. Stop it.

Panama Jackson - new Outkast album

I really want one of those. And it’s looking like a reality. RIGHT after Big Boi and Dré release solo albums. Again. I don’t know about you but if André 3000 releases a rap album, the game might get officially shut down. He’s been on such a tear lately with his verses that he’s gotten to the point where you just HAVE to listen to what he will say.

André 3000 > Souljaboy Tell’Em

Oh my fault, GRAMMY nominated Souljaboy Tell’Em

My guitar gently weeps.

Wu-Tang Clan - hugs all around

Just because these niggas, and mostly just Raekwon (of one good album fame) and Ghostface Killah (of LOTS of good albums fame) are just acting like some bitches. And really, it’s just mostly Raekwon. He’s gone bitch on us. I guess that’s what happens when you can’t quite get your album released.

This makes me think of something though. These niggas heard the songs that RZA was producing for their new album 8 Diagrams. If they didn’t like them, why in the fuck did they rap on them. And not only rap on them, but rap like their lives depended on it? If you no likey, no rappy. You look even more bitchmade for not only complaining about the album, but for the fact that you totally showed up 100 percent on some shit you didn’t agree with in the first place.

So…

Raekwon - a set of nards

Heh heh heh.

I mean, ho ho ho.

Speaking of ho ho ho’s…

Superhead - some damn humility

How you gonna do my boy Eddie Winslow like that?! How you gonna let him fake wife you up when you know what kind of ho you is!

And yes I know it’s his fault, but I couldn’t say ho ho ho’s and NOT put Superhead there.

Obama - Jesus

Bro’s before hoes my man.

And on a side note, be on the lookout for a new album my girlfriend and I are putting together called Beautiful Love and Bitches. It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t go that go-go swing.

Shu-bop shu-bop shu-bop shu-bop.

Goodnight and goodluck.

Merry Christmas bitches.

It’s no secret that race relations in this nation are nowhere near perfect. There are still various semblances of Jim Crow era law enforcement present as evidenced by the Jena 6 cases and the few and far between indictments of police officers killing Black men left and right.

Not to mention the still very real imbalances across the board in terms of just sheer equality. Without a real leader to help push the envelope, I fear that these systemic problems will linger forever. Ambulance-chaser Jesse Jackson and A Pimp Named Straighback (Al) just don’t resonate with the people. For one, they might be less proactive than the KKK in actually starting the conversations geared towards racial balance. Best believe though, if a nigga stubs his toe and a white man’s around???

They got your back.

For two, it’s just really hard to take a motherfucker serious when he has a perm. Sure, we should look past the surface and see what’s on the inside, but hell, you can’t see what’s on the inside because we’re too damn distracted by his follicle folly. You wouldn’t trust Snoop to lead the racial revolution in this nation but at least he has entertainment to fall back on as his reason -do-perm.

Al…not so much. And Al, James Brown is dead. You can get a haircut now.

Seriously, does your pastor have a perm? I remember driving thru southwest Atlanta a few months ago and seeing a billboard of a pastor with a perm. At that point, I realized I could never go to his church. If you ever want me to listen to you, don’t get a perm if you got a set of balls.

Anyway, this morning, it came to me like a song I wrote. I realized the one person who could lead our nation out of the shrouded shadowy past of which we cannot transcend; the individual who could exact such reason and common sense on the masses that we couldn’t help but to listen. He doesn’t have a perm (though he might have had one at on point). Black and white people love him.

I’m speaking of…

…Justin Timberlake (with an assist from Timbaland).

Okay, I see you all looking at me like I’m crazy. But follow me.

Who doesn’t like Justin Timberlake? I mean really. He managed to not only successfully move on past being in a fruity-cum-fruity boy band (albeit the most successful one) but he did so AND gained a gazillion Black fans in the process.

He’s also banging Jessica Biel which gets him so many points. She’s hot.

Justin has worked with Beyonce (which totally elevated the song “Until The End of Time” to magnanimous heights), Three 6 Mafia, the Clipse, 50 Cent and has slept with Cameron Diaz, Britney Spears, Jessica Biel, and numerous other white chicks.

Do you see what this means? It means that even the most gangsta of knuccas will listen to him and all the white girls will too. That’s who we need in order to bring about racial harmony. Kumbaya isn’t but a dream anymore kiddies. It’s a possibility.

Even Black women love him, though they all think he’s gay. But hell, that helps too. Anybody that will listen. And despite the fallout from Nipplegate, he totally got to touch Janet Jackson’s nipple.

How many people can say they got to do that?

Aside from El Debarge and JD probably not that many people. Granted, I don’t exactly want to touch it now as it’s aged quite a bit, but it’s still Janet Jackson’s ta-ta. That speaks to something.

Justin Timberlake makes songs for all people. He speaks for everybody and makes sure to provide us with what we need in the process. He brought sexy back despite me never letting it go in the first place, but he did it with flair so I gave him a pass. And be real, most of us thought “Sexyback” was an asstastic mess when it dropped, but still, we loved it because it was Justin.

If Justin can bring all the white girls to the table, the white men will follow eventually. Where there’s pussy, there is desire for pussy. The gangsta dudes will make all the wannabe gangsta knuccas (namely the rest of us) want to come to the table of equity. Justin could then broker a deal that would result in racial harmony for one…for all.

If JT keeps singing his little heart away and Timbaland continues to guide his heart with help from Danja Handz, then nothing but good can come for mankind.

If Justin decided tomorrow that he wanted racial harmony, then by George, it would be. That’s the power of the curly haired chap from Memphis. He reaches us all.

Let us all reach back.

Blogging.

What an interesting past-time this phenomenon became. I say became because at this point, it is what it is. At one point, blogging was the new thing. New blogs were popping up to the tune of thousands a day. The joy of finding a new interesting blog was unparalleled. Pretty much, it had no parallel.

Blogging was as much a social activity as MySpace of Facebook have become. Especially amongst the Black bloggers. We all found one another and formed and maintained actual friendships (in some cases even relationships) and hung out at Blogger Happy Hours and created new never-ever-seen televisions shows like Homiez. Everyday that I got to work, after going through my myriad news-based websites, I’d hit the blog circuit reading nothing short of 30 to 40 blogs a day. Because of this I met some of my closest friends to date. And since we’re all pretty much Black and live in major cities, I’ve had the pleasure of hanging out with all of them numerous times.

And then, blogging got boring. I’ve been reading over my past, sifting through random blog postings made since my debut in 2004 and I’m amazed at how passionate a writer I was. It’s no wonder that back then I was offered a gazillion writing jobs in random places. I was fun and interesting. Hell, I crack up now reading things that I wrote, nevermind that I don’t even remember writing much of it. But at some point, my interests moved away from blogging. Overall, I got tired of reading everybody’s sites. Folks were saying the same shit over and over and boring the living fuck out of me in the process. People that I used to love reading quit blogging or were clearly forcing it.

And there’s nothing worse than forcing it. I’ve done it a few times. You get to the point where you’re filling in space because people are expecting you to write — for free. It becomes a job and anybody who’s employed like us regular people know that jobs suck ass. Sure, you need them to keep the lights on and food in the refrigerator, but largely, if most of us could be anywhere else than at work, we’d be there.

Fuckajob.

On the other side, some people who began blogging around the time I did have become not only internet celebrities but minor actual celebrities in their own right, which is always funny. You see people popping up in major publications and you know them and remember when you both were starting at ground zero. It’s a good feeling actually. For whatever reason, I didn’t want that shine or that wasn’t my goal. Come to find out, I never had any goals blogging. I just felt like writing because it was fun. Obtaining readers galore was icing on the cake and only served to help fuel the fire I had. That and all of the stupid shit that this world creates daily.

But being a good and interesting blogger actually requires a lot of work. You have to constantly come up with something to blog about which is no small task. You have to constantly be abreast of pop culture and unpop culture. Unless of course you’re writing of very personal nature, which I wasn’t. People got to know lots about me but it was thru reading between the lines and keeping a constantly tally card of all the pieces of personal information I’d placed in the atmosphere.

So I wonder, what happened to the passion I had to write? I still enjoy writing and I’m good at it. Sue me, I’m sexxy. Only every now and then do I come across something that really makes me want to speak via blog. I find myself sticking to my lane of race, music, and relationships; things I know best. And that bothers me to some end. What happened to the cat who was creative and witty and could approach anything from any angle. What happened to the different angles I would always find?

What’s changed? Clearly I’m older but sheesh, that shouldn’t make but so much of a difference. I’m the same cat I’ve always been just with much less time (not coincidentally due to this very blog) and yet, when I read the older posts, I see somebody who was hungry, not somebody who’s been eating for a while.

You know something’s wrong when you want the hunger pains.

And yet I do…

Boredom besets me. So I figured I’d share random shit. Follow me.

Yesterday as I drove into work I was approached by a homeless man asking for money but simultaneously trying to sell me bootleg CDs. I’m not sure why this struck me as odd that the bootlegger would be homeless except…

…how the hell do you make bootlegs, Mr. I Don’t Have a Home So Give Me Some Money For Food. Bootlegging requires equipment. My guess is that he either robbed somebody or some cat just gave him the CD’s to sell a la the drug world. Ya know, you sell these for me and get to keep a cut off the profits. I can’t lie I’ve pondered doing that with people before since I get everything hella early.

I saw a grown ass man wearing a dress slacks today but had them hanging off his ass as he trapised into work. Needless to say he looked like shit. Dress slacks aren’t intended to be hanging off of one’s ass. They are intended to be worn at the waist. Sagging in dress pants actually looks like you took a real shit on yourself, not the mythical shit that most people say it looks like. Nope, looks like a real one.

I was reading CNN today and it seems that a missing girl has been found and she was a porn “star”. Now, when I read the story nothing about her seemed to indicate actual porn star so much as chick who got naked and might have sucked a few on film. That doesn’t make her a star. Nasty? Perhaps. But star? Not so much. That’s not to say that I judge the porn industry. Fucking is good so there’s no reason why somebody shouldn’t be getting paid for it. Plus, some porn is just downright entertaining. This harkens back to anytime a nigga gets shot and he owns a microphone he gets labeled as a rapper who’s been killed. Just cuz a motherfucker is “aspiring” doesn’t make him something. But since that’s how the media gets down, in the event that I get mowed down on the merciless DC streets, I’d like the papers to read: Aspiring Billionaire Panama Muhfuckin’ Bought The Farm

That’s fun on so many levels.

It’s looking like it’s going to be a good 4th quarter for rap music. Maybe sales wise anyway. I can’t say that I’ve cared much for a large majority of the major label albums that have come out. I’ve already stated my opinion on Alicia Keys. There is just no way anybody can convince me that she’s great. It’s impossible. I’m not a Wu-Tang fan at all and this new album isn’t exactly going to convert me. American Gangster was good though. I might have already played it out though. Freeway? Sure, I’ll drive on one but I pretty much can’t stand him and his album, though critiqued as being so great, really is just bleh to me.

So Lauren London is dating Lil Wayne? Hmm…that should give hope to ugly motherfuckers everywhere as fine as she is. Though it doesn’t say much for her mentally. Have you read interviews by Lil Weeziana lately? He sounds like he smokes that good greeny green green at least 2 to 300 times a day. Not only is he non-sensical he’s completely indecipherable. Go ahead, TRY to figure out the distinction between the two. Not only do most of his verses not make much sense but now his interviews are following suit. Weezy F. Baby (please say the Baby) my just crazy himself right out of the young people’s consciousness.

Of course if Soulja Boy is the next hope then God forgive us all.

Save us too.

Apparently Diamond from Crime Mobb has left and gone solo. And in more news you couldn’t care less about, I’m wearing Timberlands today.

I mentioned before about the large amounts of crime going down in my neighborhood. Well, I’ll be got damned if it aint continuing and the shit aint happening at 3am. Nope. A few blocks over from me some folks got robbed at a bus stop at 545pm. Granted its dark then but shit…criminals just have NO respect for the law.

I heard the word comport for the first time yesterday ever. I still don’t know what it means as I’ve yet to look it up but man that’s an interesting word.

Which brings up another point. In my job, I do a lot of legal research and reading. There are too many damn words in the English language. We have 80 words that mean the same shit. No wonder why English is such a hard language to learn, it’s convoluted. Viva la Spanish. Now they’ve got it down. Hell, even most people have the same names. Yell Maria in a Latino area and see how many folks turn around. That’s progress right there!

You ever go into the bathroom at work and somebody’s made themselves a little bit too comfortable? You too? Public restrooms should be a place of peace and quiet. I shouldn’t feel offended by your bathroom manner. Stop it, you!

Okay, I’m bored now so I’ll stop.

Washington D.C. is having the worst. week. ever.

Everybody around here is talking about the shooting death of Washington Redskin’s football player Sean Taylor, and rightfully so. It’s tragic when young people’s lives are taken in such a cavalier and reckless manner. Even more so in this case because the details make it sound like it was less a robbery and more personal. He was shot in his bedroom. And he had a machete.

I hate to do this here, but do you remember what T.I. was holding in his bedroom? Yeah, army guns–the type of army guns that turn over Humvees and take out missile silos in countries shooting for gold in the nuclear arms race. T.I.? Wouldn’t be a victim in a home invasion. Imagine what he was holding under his pillow. My guess is that it was some sort of semi-automatic hunting rifle. You know, the kind that gives animals a fair chance to get away!

Either way, R.I.P. Sean Taylor.

That’s not the only bad news in Washington right now. On Monday, a report was released about the AIDS epidemic in DC. And boy is it ugly. Turns out DC has the highest concentration of HIV/AIDS cases in the nation and that 9 out of 10 new HIV cases are…

…in Black women.

Click here to read the article.

You don’t need to be a statistician to know that those numbers are pretty shitty. Basically, if you aren’t strapping up in this city, you are an idiot. A first class idiot. In fact, your level of idiocy is unprecedented. Your level of idiocy is on par with Magic Johnson being the only living human being who seemingly has managed to get HIV to untraceable levels in his body. Which begs the question…if you can’t trace it, is it there? Hmm…think about it.

But you know what is there? Your lunacy.

So let’s think about this for a second. DC is already a terrible place to be a Black woman in search of man, notwithstanding some level of attractiveness. Face it, if you have bad face, your stuck anywhere except the Montana and West Virginia backwoods. And its not to say that you can’t find a mate its just to say that you have no choice in the matter–you take what you can get.

Sidenote: I went to this rather upscale “supper club” last night for a small gathering and I swear I saw the largest collection of women who looked like they might have been attractive 10 years ago. Seriously, I saw two women who looked seemingly attractive and that might have been more a addition-by-subtraction thing than a natural beauty thing.

So yes, it’s already a shitty place to be a single woman who’s looking for man. But NOW you have to think that every man is a walking STD. Truthfully, everybody should already feel like that given the amount of STDs available to the masses. And I say available because the way some people go raw with their sex lives you’d think they wanted an STD just to see what it felt like.

According to science? Not good. Though according to television, catching Herpes is just like going horseback riding. Actually the commercial more illustrates that you can still go horeseback riding. So I guess that one’s not so bad. Unless you’re that horse because I’ll bet NOBODY told the horse she had herpes! As if!

Ladies, check your weave.

Then rub your tits if you love Big Poppa.

Tits is a fun word.

So yes, bad dating scene, bad HIV scene, and not to mention the ridiculous subprime mortgage lending and foreclosure rate and gotdamn, DC just is not the place to be an unmarried Black woman. This is interesting because so many young Black people move to DC because it’s a city with a young professional Black crowd of substance and visibility. In some places, being a Black person with a graduate degree makes you important. In DC it makes you manager at McDonald’s. And even then it only qualifies you for the job. EVERYBODY in DC has a damn graduate degree. I myself have 7 of them! Okay that’s not true at all. But this is DC, its possible. For Black people, its exciting to be in a city where there are lots of people like yourself who are about something and can read.

Reading is fundamental.

But now what? I remember when I read the article in the Post about women’s struggles to find a man in this city and women everywhere were in arms about it. Interestingly enough, the ratio in DC was better compared to the nation as a whole. Something like 8.3 marriageable Black men (with the .3 accounting for the myth, they don’t call it the Beltway for nothing!) to 10 women compared to 7 to 10 for the rest of the nation. But now you have to ask about their peders. Talk about your uncomfortable first date question:

Chick: So, Brian, I know your not gay, but do you have AIDS? Just askin!

Brian: Check please!

OH…and not to mention that in the article it stated that it wasn’t homosexual interactions that were making up for the majority of cases. Nope, it was the straight people. You can now remove that “gay-man’s disease” bullshit from your domes.

The moral of the story here kiddies is that if you are a young Black woman thinking of moving to DC, take your happy ass to Philly where all you have to worry about is getting shot just for breathing. At least that might take you out quickly.

AIDS?

Not so much.

…the most important person with all due respect.

Seriously, how funny would it be if somebody quoted Jay’s first verse from “Roc Boys” during the roundtable thank-you’s that so many people perform during their pre-gobblage on Thanksgiving Day.

Thanks to the duffle bag, the brown paper bag, the Nike shoebox for holding all the cash. And I can attest to that. As somebody known for stashing cash in his shoes and shoeboxes, I’ve found that not only are Nike shoe boxes good for stashing dough, actual Nike SHOES are as good. One I’ve often found myself stashing my random wads of $20s in my basketball shoes.

Well Thanksgiving is upon us and it’s a time to proffer all of the thanks we can for various things. And most of us have much to give thanks for; family, friends, health, toenails, etc.

Basically the usual suspects always get their just due. So I figure, I might as well give thanks for some things that most people might not think about.

Allons-y.

I’d like to thank my neighborhood listserv for alerting of just how much damn crime goes down in my neighborhood. There’s nothing like living in a neighborhood where you feel completely safe only to find out that folks homes are getting broken into and cars are getting jacked left and right. Since I joined my neighborhood’s listserv, I’ve gained lots of information about my ‘hood. I’ve also realized that my ‘hood is actually the ‘Hood. Man, niggas get robbed ON MY BLOCK in broad daylight. It’s happened a few times. And I literally mean on my block. At like 5pm. When it’s light outside. Thank you Neighborhood listserv for alerting me that though I live in one of DC’s up-and-coming premier residential neighborhoods…there are still crackheads for a reason.

I’d like to thank my cat for using my hands and feet as a personal scratching post. Why just last week my cat tattoed my hand with a signed-sealed-and delivered spiderweb of bloody streaks. Playful little something which reminds me…

…thanks for pet nail clippers, which is like SO self-explanatory.

Thanks for Firefox. Sometime a few weeks ago, the powers that be at the place of employment shut down Instant Messenging like a motherfucker. I mean I couldn’t access shit. This is both good and bad since like I said, my productivity went up. What I failed to realize was that I actually had shit to do then. Now that I’m chillin’, my head was spinning trying to craft work I actually wanted to do. Enter Firefox. For whatever reason, yesterday I decided to just use Firefox instead of Internet Explorer as my main browser and voila…G-Chat was in effect like a big bitch. Which if you’ve ever seen a big bitch, then you know what I’m talking about. Heh heh heh.

Sure, that last sentence made no sense. Then again, neither does Nirvana.

Thanks to bootleggers who made it possible for me to cop American Gangster on DVD before its theatrical release, further allowing me to pay 5 dollars for a crystal clear version of an alright but not stellar movie that left much to be desired.

Thanks to pregnant Halle Berry for still taking pictures with the ta-ta’s on blast. Yippee.

Thanks to Nahright.com for ALWAYS having that hot new shit for me to download so that I can stay ahead of the hip-hop curve.

Thanks to cooler weather because women’s fashion was getting ridiculously out of control. I don’t know about where you live, but here in DC, women are some serious fashion misfits. Especially the younger crowd. Just think of any outfit you’d never put together — not only should you then put it on, but you should also accessorize it with lots of shiny ridiculous shit, some utterly fugly boots of some sort and get braids. And put some color in your braids…AND THEN claim that Baltimore is the most bamma city on the planet…

…while looking like a nigga from Baltimore.

Which reminds me of something. I went to school in Atlanta and I’m from down South. When folks from upnorth come down to Atlanta they tend to initially clown a lot of our southern customs before falling headfirst into them (Master P and Cash Money, anyone?). It’s funny when you move up North and you realize that folks are as bad if not WORSE than the shit you see down south. Times have changed now since everybody looks like a very bad emulation of what we think white punk rockers look like.

STOP. Isn’t it funny how a few years ago white people were all on their Paul Wall shit trying to look and dress like Black folks…and NOW Black folks are doing their best “rock star” impressions, albeit with flair. I mean its not nearly as extreme as when white people do it, but its definitely an interesting look.

Anyway, I remember people acting like Atlanta was SO damn countryish. Then I moved to DC. You drive 10 minutes south of DC and there aren’t even streetlights. In Maryland. In a major suburb of DC. Shit looks like driving through backroads on the set of Deliverance.

Back to my thank you’s….

I’d like to thank the little people. Smurfs are our friends. Similarly, I’d like to thank the writers from Robot Chicken for making some of the funniest shit I’ve ever seen. Viva la Adult Swim.

Thanks to Nickelodean and Drake & Josh because that show just has me dying laughing most times. So because me and my girlfriend are apparently insane, we leave the TV on everyday in case the cat wants to “watch” TV or at least hear something in the background so as not to feel so alone. We leave on Nick. I get home and Drake & Josh is on. Now I’m an avid watcher.

I’ve begun to bore myself so thanks to the people that make it do what it do like they’re doing it for TV.

Thanks for life. And the boys in blue who put greed before the badge.

Thanks for my sexxiness.

Just, thanks.

Seriously, I don’t understand her appeal.

For years now, Alicia Keys has been a media darling and musical phenom, ad nauseum. Anytime she releases an album, pundits and fans alike adore and browbeat one another for the chance to praise and adorn her with accolades aplenty.

In short, everbody loves Alicia Keys and I honestly have no clue why. I’ve tried to get it. Can she sing? Well sure…she has an alright voice though I wouldn’t exactly place her anywhere near the upper echelon of singers. Face it. Mariah Carey she ain’t.

She plays the piano but whoopty-damn do. For the large part her albums don’t rely much on her piano abilities. Most of her songs are hip-hop influenced if anything with replayed or interpolated samples. Sure they have some piano influence in them…

…but so do a lot of my own beats and I can’t play the piano for shit.

Though I totally murder Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.

I. Just. Kill. That.

Alicia Keys get acting roles and to be honest, her role in Smoking Aces was the first time I’d ever found myself mentioning how attractive she is. Granted, I’d never kick her out of the bed under any circumstances but that makes her no more hot than anybody else.

Though, have you seen her on the cover of Complex magazine…watered down? Good googly moogly. I have said before and will repeat again that wet women look so much hotter than dry women. If you are a marginally attractive chick who rates like a 6 on the Dude Scale, go run under some sprinklers and always walk around like looking like you live under a rain cloud. You’re going to rate at least at a 7 at that point. And you can date 7’s.

Sixes? You just schlump them.

Back to the lecture at hand. Alicia Keys is light and brite so perhaps thats part of her draw as we all know racially ambiguous chilidren are much easier to market than children of the sun. But overall, I honestly don’t get it.

I have all of her albums and none of them was any better than most albums on the market. Songs In A Minor was alright, but I can only think of maybe 3 songs that I liked including the single, “Fallin’”. I liked “Butterfly” but I can’t even remember the name of the other joint I liked.

Diary was, eh…alright I guess. The only songs I liked were the single “You Don’t Know My Name” (which was largely piano influenced but was also a sampled piano by Kanye West) and “The Diary”. I can’t honestly even remember what the rest of the album sounds like.

So she’s not a first rate singer, doesn’t have albums that will be remembered 20 years from now, and is attractive but not in a “I want to sex you down on sight” kind of way. She’s like an upgraded version of Brandy except Brandy had some actual good entire albums (like Full Moon). She’s clearly a better songwriter than Beyonce, but hell, who isn’t?

Difference is that Beyonce’s popularity I can understand. She’s an ultimate performer. And she makes intentionall catchy pop music to appeal to the masses without any shade of personality. That’s how you bring folks in. However, Alicia Keys songs are apparently full of “integrity” or something. I don’t know.

Perhaps I’m a hater. However, I don’t care. She’s no more talented than anybody else and her albums are no better than anybody else…

…so why does everybody love them some damn Alicia Keys?

And “No One” is not a good song. You can disagree, but you will be wrong.

Apparently I’m a little bit vain. I think I knew that. I think I knew that I knew that, however, I just realized it after I decided to see what the 25 most played songs on my iPod were. Sheesh, talking about getting over yourself (which I’m totally not going to do).

Dig this. Out of the 25 songs, 14 are songs that I’ve done myself. Not even completed songs mind you, just the instrumentals that I’ve made towards my 2008 summer banger release on my mama’s music, A Candle In The Dark.

How’s that for self-promotion?

One day I might upload a few of my instrumentals on here so that good world can see how talented (or un-talented) I am. Luckily, my mommy says I’m special so fuck you very much if you think that I’m on the low end of the talent pool. Anywho, today I decided to just let folks know what I’ve been listening to, ad nauseum. I’m one of those people who will put a song on repeat for hours on end. Much to the chagrin of anybody around me.

Eh, sorry. Like right now, I’m MURDERING this one song by this group out of Pittsburgh called Black Moth Super Rainbow. The song is called “Sun Lips” and I absofuckinlutely love this song. It’s the kind of shit I wish I’d made similar to the song by Psapp “Cosy In The Rocket” A.K.A. the Grey’s Anatomy song that used to get played in the opening credits.

I think that one of these days, I might transform this into an audio blog and upload songs for you to download that I love. I love finding obscure ass hot songs so I’d be doing a disservice by not sharing said songs with you, wouldn’t I? I say, wouldn’t I? Anywho…on to the festivities.

Panama shares because sharing is caring. And I care like an emo-carebear. I like the term emo.

Panama’s Playlistin’: The Top 10 Songs That Clearly Are Important To World Peace

(going in order from most played to least most played but still played way too much)

1. Phyllis Hyman - Be Careful (How You Treat My Love)

If you don’t know who Phyllis Hyman is, you should go kill yourself. Which is not unironic since she killed herself. I think I just got 10 extra Hell points for those last two sentences. First time I listened to this song, it impacted me so much, I never stopped listening. She’s one of my favorite singers ever and has one of the most silky smooth voices ever.

Hmm, you know who else has a beautiful silky smooth voice? Janelle Monae. If you don’t have her Metropolis Suite I: The Chase, you should get to copping it forthwith. It was on iTunes for $4.99. You can spend $5 for music that will change your life. Her voice makes me want to hump mushrooms.

Eww.

2. Robin Williamson - Gwydion’s Dream

You’ve probably never heard of him or of this song. But you know who has? David Banner. Damn that David Banner for having me search since 1998 for this shit. It’s the foundation for his first single with the group Crooked Lettaz “Firewater”. I love that beat so much that I’ve searched high and low through CELTIC music trying to find this shit. Yes, Panama listens to celtic music. So what of it?! I’ll listen to country too if y’all don’t get to acting right.

My mother’s persuasion by the way.

3. Beyonce - Flaws and All

Because of Beyonce’s popularity, everybody should have heard this song and seen the video. I honestly think this song and video are perfect. As in, flawless. There ain’t too much perfection in this world but this song has to be the closest thing musically to me. I love the pseudo-European drum beat. When you get into musical production, by default you begin to study other forms of musical creation. Europe is a hotbeat for creativity.

By the way, you should be finding and listening to all of these songs. Pronto. Most, if not all, are available on iTunes.

4. The Electric Prunes - Our Father, Our King

Despite a gawdawful name, this is some downright good damn music. It’s David Axelrod (who will show up again) - influenced and produced. I could probably spend an entire afternoon telling you how much I love David Axelrod’s music. You should google him. Yes, do that. He’s the backbone for lots of hip-hop nowadays, from Dr. Dre to Fat Joe to Kanye West he’s been sampled all over the board. Plus this shit is just good. Word. Life.

5. Alice Russell featuring TM Juke - Hurry On Now

Alice Russell is another one of the soulful arse white chicks from England. But man does she have some serious chops. I was instantly sold on her from the first 3 seconds of this song. Literally..and she ain’t even singing then. But anybody who recognizes music this good is alright with me like a hit song from the Temptations in the ’60s. Plus she’s cool as a fan and loves the club I work at.

6. Aphex Twin - Avril 14th

I’m kind of amazed that this song is on my most played since I only got this a few short weeks ago. That speaks to how much I love it. This cat Aphex Twin is really one dude from overseas I think. He’s a major player on the techno-ambient-drum ‘n bass-acid music scene. I’d never heard of him until Andy Samberg from SNL remade one of his songs for his parody about the Iranian PM saying that gays weren’t allowed in Iran or something. SNL got sued because the music was used without permission. What a gull-i-bull. It’s hot though.

7. Jackie DeShannon - What The World Needs Now Is Love

MmmmmmmMmm good. And it’s true. The world does need love. And lots of big-booty women who aren’t full of themselves. And I mean big-booty as in good booty. Not bad booty. Bad booty does nothing for the morale of anybody. When was the last time you heard this song get connected to booty? Like never? Yeah, me neither. Somehow, the only word I think of when I hear this song is…

…gangster. Not sure why but this song is gangster lika motherfucker to me. This shit is Frank Lucas kid.

8. David Axelrd - The Smile

Ah, my homeboy shows up again. I love this song to no end. Really, I have no idea how I wasn’t up on Axelrod years ago as he seems to have been making music for me all these years. Swoon! And it’s totally not a coincidence that this song is called “the smile” becuase I totally smile when I hear it. Hmm, that’s bad parallel structure. Grammar nerds stand up.

Grammar Nerds. Sounds like a new emo-alternative band. You heard it hear first people.

Dude, that’s so emo. Only its not at all.

9. Darondo - Didn’t I

Ten bucks to one you’ve never heard of him at all. Hell I’d be he hasn’t heard of himself either. I found this song in the MOST random of ways. So peep game. I was sniffing a dandelion…in the parking garage…when I heard this car come by bumping my music, which was actually the song “Bumpin’ My Music” by Ray Cash when I reached into my pocket for some cash to burn. It was so hot outside that I went inside. So in my army jacket lining was an uzi but I didn’t shoot anybody because that’s just wrong. Divorce court was on television and I watched these two people argue about dumb shit and dude said something like, “you know you slept with my nieces husband, didn’t ya bitch? didn’t ya?”

So that made me think, wouldn’t it be so so (def) hot if there was a song out there called, “Didn’t I”? Turns out there was. And this entire story was a lie.

What if Jermaine Durpi’s label was So So Hot? Like how bad of a name is that? Pretty bad or just fucking horrible? You be the judge.

10. Hem - Leave Me Here

This song is off the album Rabbit Songs which is so not about fucking. I know I was disappointed about that. I happened upon this song after buying the album because of the song “Half An Acre” which was in some insurance commercials. I loved that song so much I found it and remade the song into a hip-hop joint. I’m talented like that. Leave Me Here is just as good. Go get it. Hem is a folksy group but I’d recommend it in a heartbeat. It’s good music to clean and take a shower too.

So that’s what I’m listening to frequently. You should cop those songs and thank me for saving your life.

Good night and good luck.

You good?

Good. Me too.

Let me tell you something. Recently at the J-O-Bullshitin’ (hopin’ that my day goes slow), they’ve cut all forms of instant messenging. As in I can’t even access Google’s, G-chat. You know, the shit that’s EMBEDDED into their actual site. Oy vey. I’m one of those individuals who spends all day talking to people online. Mind you, I could easily pick up the phone and call all of these individuals however it’s so much easier and more convenient to just talk to everybody while we’re all trapped at our various paying gigs. Funny how instant messenger ruined the phone for me.

Anyway, the lack of IM capability has been a slight annoyance but I’ve also never been more productive in my working life. Of course, fuck-a-job and all but it does allow me to keep my lights on. And lights are good. Kind of like the smooth refreshing taste of key lime pie. And I love me some key lime pie.

I miss my people on IM though. So sad. Pour out a little liquor for Panama Muhfuckin’s daily conversation with any and everybody. Shout outs to the Boom and BlackMartha (who probably hasn’t gone by that name in years).

I was reading the other day that T.I. — in his boredom — has taken to recording new material for an upcoming album entitled Paper Trail, so titled because he’s actually writing down his rhymes right now. Apparently he hasn’t written anything down over his past few albums. Hmm…you need more people duke. Two things here:

1) I’m getting tired of rappers trumpeting their lack of writing as if that makes them special. It doesn’t. It just means you don’t write anything down. Thing is…WE CAN TELL. Short of Jay (who I still don’t believe has never written anything down) and Big, very rarely has anybody who essentially took 3 minutes to think of a verse and gone to lay it down come up with anything stellar. And assuming that Jay and Biggie actually never did write anything down, they are more the exception than the rule.

Then you have the Lil Wayne ass niggas who clearly don’t write anything down and come up with one hot verse per hundred. That’s. Not. Good. It’s bad even. It’s failing. I wonder if all of these people swearing that Lil Wayne is the best rapper alive are actually listening to him and not just his flow which is top notch. The nigga knows how to ride a beat. Kudos. Sure would be nice if you could say something worth listening to a la “Hollywood Divorce”, Dwayne.

2) I think we’re giving people too much credit for that shit. What these niggas do is not go and freestyle the best verses you’ve ever heard. Nope. Hurricane Chris does that. Word. Life. What they do is essentially listen to a beat and write it down in their head. It might take 30 minutes, it might take an hour. I write verses all the time and by the time I have them done, I usually have them memorized. We need to champion these cats good memories, not the fact that “they don’t write shit down”. Who cares if you ain’t saying nothing worth listening too.

Sidenote: If you do write everything down and still suck, stop rapping and get a job mopping floors at your local hospital. Save us all.

And no, I don’t believe that T.I. didn’t write down shit on King, especially on the song, “I’m Talking To You” because if he did, he’s the greatest mental-rapper alive.

Have you seen the video for the remix to DJ Khaled’s “I’m So Hood”? No? Thank your lucky stars and whoever you pray too. Never have I seen a video that was so terribly shitty in my whole life that it made me dislike a song. And I LOVE “I’m So Hood”. That shit knocks so hard.

The video? Not so much. Full disclosure here is that I abhor DJ Khaled. He has no real talent from what I can tell and he’s just uberfucking annoying. Like on the “I’m so annoying” scale he rates a cool 100 with 100 being the most points you can obtain. Despite his random telling us that he is –indeed– the best, he is not. Further, what the fuck are you (we, nigga) the best at? He has the most grating voice ever of all DJ’s and that’s saying something. He attempts to be pseudo-hard with ridiculous “thugged” out body language. I just want to slap the fuck out of him every time I see him. And that’s an honest emotion. I really detest this man.I feel like I know him.

Here’s the video:

This video is the most pisspoorly done video I’ve seen in a long while. I remember first seeing it and asking myself why the fuck they forgot to edit it and essentially make the entire video look like it wasn’t done with 10 dollars and somebody’s cousin Nino’s video camera from 1993. I remember my parents video camera from back then…better quality video than this ass sandwich. Honestly, it looks terrible. It’s like they shot the rappers in HDTV and put the blue-screen (why did they do this with a blue screen? it’s the fucking streets…they couldn’t FIND a street to shoot this on?) in the my first analog tv mode.

Simply said it looks like shit and Busta Rhymes looks like a muppet. DJ Khaled? Go kill yourself.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t send an R.I.P. shoutout to Donda West, better known as Kanye’s mother. Man do I feel for that brother. Not too many rappers put their entire life on display like he has. Interesting enough, the rappers that have all have very prominent mothers in their careers from Eminem to Tupac. Somehow, because these rappers put so much of their business in the street, you almost feel like you know them so that when something tragic does happen you feel like a family-member was lost. That’s how I felt. I just wanted to shake Kanye’s hand and tell him it would be alright. At least she got to witness and participate in her son’s success in life. He made his mark and she got to witness it, but man…

…hold your head Kanye. Hold your head.

It’s interesting, I have a million focused ideas I plan on writing about but I show up here and write random shit.

Luckily I’m sexxy.

Good night and good luck.

It was written.