[***By the way, for my DC people, get your ass out to LIV Nightclub tonight (2001 11th Street, NW-corner of 11th and U Streets, NW-for the Stock13 Christmas party and coat/blanket drive. Come party with the Mr. Oh So Sexxy (that's me) from 10pm-2am. RSVP on the site BEFORE 5PM for free admission before 11pm. Free Moet until we run out. Yeah, I said FREE. It's a Christmas party. I'm rocking a Santa hat and a bandana...how gangsta is that? ***]

Young Jeezy, whose sophomore album The Inspiration: Thug Motivation 102 was released on last Tuesday, sold 352,000 units according to Soundscan.

I’m sorry, I think everybody needs a moment to digest what just happened here.

Nas would say, “Can I please have a moment of silence…for hip-hop?”

I say, fuckin’ wow. Hell, he doesn’t even have a #1 song out right now, as his single, “I Luv It” is just in the top 30 on the popular and r&b/rap charts.

And his single actually isn’t any good. So do you realize what this means? For life, the future, and the kids???

It means that people actually LIKE Young Jeezy. It also means that nobody gives a shit that he sucks as a rapper–people actually LIKE him as a person. That is the only way a nigga with a lackluster ass single that can’t rap manages to outsell everybody. And get it right (two step and let your shoulder lean)…352K in today’s climate is doing big shit.

The biggest rap openings to date this year are Jay-Z (680K), T.I. (521K), and the Game (358K). Those rappers are all “superstar” rappers. Hell, Young Jeezy only sold like 170K on his first album.

He doubled up on that ass. In fact, he did that Heizman on dat ho on everybody that thought he wasn’t about to do big numbers.

Stop.

Have you heard the magnanimous ass sandwich that is my new favorite song by Da Heizman Boiz? It’s called, “Do Dat Heizman On Dat Ho”. Please, go visit their MySpace page…trust me it’s well worth it. I’m just itching for the chance to do dat heizman on some ho that’s trippin.

Shawty fine, breath stank? Do dat heizman on dat ho!!!! Breath stank, no bank? Do dat heizman on dat ho!!!!

And guess what? These niggas are college students. Like real ones. At my mother’s alma mater, Albany State University, to boot. Yes, I will be dining out on that one for months. Stange enough, there’s a serious push lately for college students to make headways in the Southern rap industry. I suppose all the dumb niggas that want to rap have already released albums. For instance, the artist responsible for what may be my second favorite single of the year, behind only T.I.’s “What You Know”, went to Tuskegee University and was an engineering student who dropped out to work on music.

The artist? Rich Boy of “Throw Some D’s” fame.

And yes, I’ve been throwing D’s on bitches (just bought a Cadillac) for the past few month.

Speaking of further ignorance, and since I’ve already tangentialized my tangent, the Saturday Night Live Skit with Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake, “Dick In A Box” might be the funniest shit I’ve seen in years. Literally. As in, for real for real.

One, cut a whole in that box. Two, put your junk in that boooooox. Three, make her open that box. That’s the way you do it!

It’s my dick in a box!

(You’d better watch it quick because NBC is doing dat heizman on dem hoes that posted this shit without their permission!)

Greatness isn’t accidental, it’s premeditated. And whoever wrote “Dick In A Box” is a great great man. My idol, inspiration, and hero. That’s the kind of ignorance I want to be responsible for when it’s all said and done.

Between “Do Dat Heizman On Dat Ho” and “Dick In A Box” (and I’m not sure which song I like more) and Young Jeezy selling like hotcakes, in the world of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises, ignorance is having the best. week. ever.

What was my original point? Oh yes, that Young Jeezy managed to do the unthinkable-completely market himself and finagle that into first week record sales success, which in the world of commercial hip-hop, is of utmost importance.

And oh yes, Jeezy is also responsible for what may be my favorite absofuckinlutely stupid line of the year, “my money’s so sick, I think I need to see a doctor” from the T.I. “Top Back” remix featuring Young Dro, B.G., Young Jeezy, and one of the Pimp Squad Clique rappers.

Classic stupid shit indeed.

This post got real random real quick. So let’s continue, shall we?

Because of Nas’ damn Hip-Hop Is Dead album, I’ve found myself defending the Ying Yang Twins a lot more lately. Go figure. I honestly think that “Wait (The Whisper Song)” was one of the most innovative songs to come out in like a decade and I don’t think people respect what they managed to pull off. And since I’m already insulting a lot of you reading motherfuckers, I’d like to add that Hip Hop Is Dead is not only a lie, it’s not a very good album either.

Yeah, I said it. The only reason I haven’t done a review of it yet is because that would require me to listen to it again. Not. Gonna. Happen. I’d rather listen to Blak Jak (I’m lying). Who’s Blak Jak? The artist responsible for that new hot shit, “Bobbin’ My Head”.

Dumb song, but I like it. It knocks. Like opportunity, bitch. Like opportunity.

And as a bonus for you all since you care, Fantasia sold 133K units and Tyrese sold 116K.

Hmm, let me put this entire Young Jeezy thing into perspective for you, mmkay?

Ciara, owner of what maybe the hottest single in the country (though it had to grow on me) and video (which I actually HATED at first), only sold about 320K her first week. And she’s selling to teenage girls who eat that type of shit up.

Young Jeezy outsold Ciara with a less good (you niggas bought Jeezy’s album so I can use whatever type of grammar I want from here on out) single and a less ubiquitous video.

And we all know that R&B money goes way further than rap money. Sure, 50 Cent owns an East-coast crib the size of a small hotel, but Babyface looks like he owns a state. And he hasn’t had a hit since Tupac died.

As you can see, I’m amazed at how many people actually just like Jeezy considering his lack of real talent. Apparently he’s figured out how to be a star. I can’t hate at all. In fact, all I can say is…

…I luv it.

That Lauryn Hill, what a prophet.

Today’s post is being brought to you by the good people of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises and the letter W.

Followed by the letter T. And not so far behind, the letter F.

Put it together class and what do you get?? WTF.

As in the what the fuck was Fantasia thinking when she wrote some of the shit that is on her newest album, the self-titled Fantasia?

Despite that question, I find myself feeling warmed by her album.

Do you know why I appreciate artists like Fantasia (and similarly people like Jagged Edge or Mary J. Blige, during the Great Crackskapades of the early to mid 90s)? I love them because they do not run away from their inner-ghetto. You see, so many of us el Negroes try to hide from the fact that we do indeed possess ghetto bones.

I have some. Do you? It’s okay. In fact, anybody with ghetto bones, please, with a show of hands…show yourself!

*hands a-waving*

Ahh…the smell of truth.

Being the ghetto queen that Fantasia apparently is (down to the inordinate education), she has decided that she was going to make an album for her people. What people would that be? The same people who actually found her song “B.A.B.Y.M.A.M.A.” to be a rallying cry and an endearing, honorable tribute to the single, un-wed mother.

Not that there is anything wrong with being a single, un-wed mother. Then again, there is a hell of a difference between being a babymama and a single mother. Color me ignorant, but it seems that Fantasia made it okay (once again, to her fans) to aspire to be a baby mama whereas a single mother would usually rather not be in that situation. But once again, color me ignorant.

And then color me bad. Ohhh…beeeeeeeehave.

On her newest magnum opus, Fantasia has a song entitled “Uneligible”.

I’d like to take a quick smokebreak, so please re-read that last sentence as many times as you need.

*smokebreak*

If you’re anything like me, you probably looked at that word a few times before calmly asking yourself, “is that a word?”

Then, I briskly walked to my dictionary to check. Nope…in fact, I’m about to go look at my office dictionary right now.

Hold, please.

*holding*

Nope, not in my office dictionary. It goes from unedited to unemotional. But you know what I did find?

Ineligible.

A one letter variance, but a signficant one nonetheless. Which begs the question…two questions actually: why not just use the word ineligible?; and why doesn’t she have any friends who tell her better?

Oh, she answers that on the album’s last song, “Bump What Ya Friends Say”.

Well, okay then.

You’ve really got to love songs like that don’t you? The song “Uneligible” is about the good men who all seem to be “uneligible.” Ooh, ooh, I have a question!!!

Since she refers to her men as uneligible, does that actually make them uneligible? Perhaps there is some subtle distinction between ineligible and uneligible…perhaps her men just ain’t available (hence, uneligible) whereas ineligible men are just not qualified!!!

Perhaps Fantasia is the smart one. She’s done gone and created a new word, probably by accident since I don’t actually respect her mind. Sad, I know.

But until she can read one of my posts I stand by my statement.

Ouch.

What I do appreciate about her new album is that she really holds nothing back. For instance, here are some of the song titles: “I Nominate U” (c’mon, don’t we all really want to be nominated for something??), “Baby Makin’ Hips” (you laugh, but I love me a woman with baby makin’ hips), “Two Weeks Notice” (not sure how this really applies to her people since most of them are probably fans of being babymamas and probably work at places that a two week notice probably ain’t all that necessary, let alone a two minute notice).

Ouch again.

I’m mean.

Then there’s that guaranteed hot shit, “Bore Me (Yawn)”. I actually have to give Fantasia a lot of credit here. People often give you song titles, but when was the last time people gave you the intransitive verb to go with their song title?

Did Babyface? How much better is this song title: “Every Time I Close My Eyes (Blink)”?

Or “There She Goes (Point)”?

Clearly, he’s not as forward thinking as Fantasia.

And the entire album makes sense because her first single is “Hood Boy”, a sort of double entendre since clearly she needs a hood boy, and it’s also apparently who she mad the album for, the “hood, boy”.

Deep. Perhaps I do respect her mind. A broke clock may be right only twice a day, but when it’s right, it’s right.

Mind you, a lot of this stuff is actually pretty good, music-wise, and she can sing despite the fact that I pretty much don’t like her voice at all. What’s really funny is that for every person I’ve mentioned that she has as song called “Uneligible”, every body thinks its okay because Fantasia apparently isn’t the scholar we all pray for.

And she can’t read, though I’m inclined to believe that she’s probably made headway in that deparment since her admission. Which if I’m not mistaken was during the “writing” of her book. Dictaphone never had it so good!

All in all, I appreciate Fantasia for what she brings to the table. Unapologetic ignorance. She exists to make me realize that people like us do have a place in the world. For me, it’s at the table with lawmakers and hookers, for her it’s at the library, but there is a place nonetheless.

Irregardless of what we may all think, Fantasia is finna do things her way. And through her, we are all connectededed.

She is us and we are her.

Thank you Fantasia for keeping it real and damn you to Hell for causing a whole new generation of little ninjas who will undoubtedly think that the word “uneligible” is actually real and okay since it’s a song that I think women who can’t find a good man will be drawn towards.

Thank you Fantasia, for not crossing over but bringing the suburbs to the ‘hood.

I’m Black.

It’s a song. It’s a notion. It’s a culture. It’s a physical trait.

It’s apparently also a reason to act up on a whim. Or at least that’s the thought behind so many stupid ass solutions to problems that arise in public establishments.

Probably thought up by other Black people.

Hence, the AEB: The Anti-Ethnicity Brigade.

What is the AEB? It is the braintrust that comes together to determine how best to prevent shit from occurring when ninjas are involved. You’ve probably dealt with the AEB on more occasions than you realize, you just paid it no mind. You see, the AEB looks at a problem and says, “that problem occurred because ninjas were involved. If we remove the catalyst for ninja-like behavior, we shall have a much safer environment.”

Common sense be damned.

Allow me to example-ize the AEB for you.

Recently, my boy The Doc and I went out to eat for a little late night dinner. We ventured to a Ruby Tuesday’s in Washington, DC’s Gallery Place-Chinatown district. As of late, this area is a hot spot after years of being the not spot.

Well, the Doc and I are drinkers. And as is usually the case, when we chose a restaurant to patronize, we make sure that spirits are available. I usually order Long Island Iced Teas. I like them.

The Doc ordered a Hennessey and Coke. This conversation ensued:

Waiter: Sorry dog, we don’t have Henny or Yac (slangustic for Cognac).

The Doc: Umm…why?

Waiter: We had a brawl in her you know and ninjas were acting up so we don’t sell that anymore.

Me and The Doc look at eachother in puzzled look…then look at the waiter…

Me: But you still sell other liquor right? So you all assume that just because you DON’T give ninjas Henny, they’ll act right? Perhaps we’ll just get souped up on vodka instead then fuck some shit up…Vodka style. Um…that’s dumb.

What you have just witnessed is complete idiocy in practice.

Somebody thought that it would be a good idea to stop serving ninjas Henny because apparently when full of Henny or Yac do we act a fool. I beg to differ. I believe we act a fool with or without liquor.

As we all know, pride is the number one killer of Black males between the ages of birth and death.

Liquor just makes the brawls bigger seeing as how a bunch of drunk ninjas aren’t going to be as accurate or careful as to not hurt themselves as a bunch of sober ninjas would. And even that’s being liberal as a bunch of ninjas in a brawl don’t really care what they damage, drunk or not.

But really, they still sell shots. They still sell vodka and whiskey. I STILL got a Long Island Iced Tea and my boy, The Doc? Just ordered a Jack and Coke.

Have you ever had Jack Daniels? There are white men in Tennessee fighting RIGHT now because they have too much Jack in their system. Oh yes, and Alabama and Mississippi too.

Verse 2, sippin’ on some OE brew…

…so there is an Applebee’s in Bed-Stuy in Brooklyn now. My boy, The Most Shady, lives in Bed-Stuy. When it opened, we both decided that we had to get in there on a Friday night because you KNOW that ninjas in the Stuy don’t know how to act already, so just imagine what could go down at Applebee’s!

Yes, ignorance and trees grow in Brooklyn.

Well, we haven’t made it here on a Friday night, but we did go on a Saturday afternoon. There were 4 of us going, and all three of the males had on hats. We get to the door and the bouncer (yes, a freakin’ bouncer) informs me that I have to remove my hat.

STOP.

Have you been to Applebee’s before? Not to say that it isn’t fine dining, but it’s not fine dining. Shit, I should be able to walk in there with a cut off t-shirt that says “I smack monkeys around like Ike got Tina”. Oh, right, apparently I can as long as I’m not wearing a hat. Now for some reason, this ri-damn-diculous policy made sense to my boys. Which makes no sense to me. It’s fuckin’ Applebee’s. They’re logic was that we’re in Bed-Stuy, which I can only take to mean that potentially you want to stop ninjas from being facially invisible in the attempt that some shit goes down. Fair enough, but no.

Another idea that was thrown out was that it was no different than the club where they have a dress code. Um, bullshit. It’s a fuckin’ restaurant, and not a top shelf one at that. A club has a certain reputation it may be trying to uphold. And that logic MIGHT work at Applebee’s if the waitresses perhaps weren’t tatted up like 50 Cent or gold-chained down like Run-DMC, or weren’t hair weaved up like any ghetto chick.

Further, it’s not a chainwide policy, it’s just that particular Applebee’s. Most likely due to location.

Maybe if they had a dress code as a whole, I’d look at it differently. No hats is not a dress code. I stand by that. Seems like another case of the AEB to me. Trying to say that if we remove hats from ninjas that either 1) we can see the criminals if they try to rob us (which is dumb…who the fuck robs restaurants? but it is Bed-Stuy I suppose anything is possible), or 2) they will act right…

…which we ALL know is just farcical. I could deal with a full dress code better than just removing my hat. Make me take out my removable grill. Or take off the limo-tint sunglasses I’m wearing…or perhaps the Tech-9 that I have under my jacket.

Maybe I’m just optimistic, but I believe that if a ninja wants to act up, he will. We have that kind of spirit. If I want to rob you, then by jove, I’m going to rob you, not because I will be successful, but because I believe in myself and my abilities.

It’s more of a glass half full approach.

I’m well aware that at times one must take the proper precautions to make sure that if you let certain people in, your establishment has at least a 51 percent chance of remaining intact once they leave. Then again, you never know what might set a person off or that the measures you take are actually going to work.

Here’s a straight forward analogy for you: Not serving Hennessey or Cognac in a restaurant in hopes of pre-empting ninja-like behavior while STILL serving all the other spirits (including Tequila and shit), is like using Saran Wrap to give a woman head but then having sex with her without a condom. In 2006.

It was written.

By now, nearly everybody should have seen the 3:26 clip from some upcoming low-budget, homey next door filmed, movie Diary of a Tired Black Man.

One of the tag lines reads: Now it’s the mens turn to exhale.

Indeed, it is.

If you haven’t, I highly suggest that you do so now. In fact, if you haven’t, I’ll wait.

*humming “Sailing” by Christopher Cross*

You back? Good. Pretty interesting premise isn’t it, though not very original. If the movie follows the trailer, it is essentially a white-woman-dating-black-man’s wet dream, with extra emphasis on dream, for what would happen if he was ever confronted with the decision he made to date a white woman. I happen to find the clip to be downright comedic since nobody can really act and damn near everything about the preview is preposterously un-fuckin’-realistic to the nth degree.

Shall we begin? Yes, let us. But first, I must proffer a definition for those non-slanguists in the audience or those unfamiliar with urban terminology.

son. defintion (1) noun. the male offspring of a man and a woman. if in the black community, 8 times out of 10, at 12 he will become the man of the house because his father has disappeared; (2) verb. to completely quiet or shut down somebody in an argument/battle/war in a way that totally undermines their opinion/feeling/abilities in such a way that they have on response, retort, or dignity left. see also rap battles, slavery, Napolean’s conquest for Europe, Hannibal, 2004 Presidential election

It is the second definition that we will be working with here. Why? I’ll tell you why.

It’s is completely and totally fuckin’ unrealistic and unbelievable to even imagine that ANY black man in America would have the ability to son FOUR/QUATRO/FO’/5-1/2+2/QUATRE black women at any time on any situation as charged as a black man dating a white woman.

At her house. Get the fuck out of here.

Not.

Gonna.

Happen.

Ever.

Everytime I watch the clip I’m just waiting for the real version to surface. You know, the one where as soon as his ex-wife sees him driving up with a white woman, she charges out the front door and starts yelling all kinds of bitches, tramps, and skeezers at the white woman while the black man has to physically push her back into the house.

And then…

She starts yelling at him calling all kinds of emasculating names and her friends join into the fracas and begin cursing him out and shit. Oh wait…that’s not what would have happened. This is a white woman here, my bad.

Let’s rewind.

*rewinding noise*

Everytime I watch the clip I’m just waiting for the real version to surface. You know, the one where as soon as his ex-wife sees him driving up with a white woman, she charges out the front door and starts yelling all kinds of bitches, tramps, and skeezers at the white woman while the black man has to physically push her back into the house which causes her to start swinging on her husband which causes the white woman to very stupidly GET OUT OF THE CAR causing the black ex-wife’s friends to come out of the house and commence to hurling racial slurs epithets and love songs at the white girl and THEN commence to pushing and then possibly whipping her ass while the black man then comes to the aid of his white woman and gets hit in the process causing him to slap the monkey shine shit out of somebody and end up in jail.

That is what happens in real life. And its probably his fault. Just don’t bring the white girl to your ex-wife’s house when you’re coming to pick up your child, k?

But no. In this pipe dream of a clip, the black man TOTALLY SONS four black women. Causing all of them to shut the fuck up with well timed and articulate sentences that reinforce that he is indeed not a weak black man. He is a strong black man who has never even thought about a white woman before in the entire time that his ex has known him. He just wants a drama-less household and the fact that the woman he is receiving that from is white is just secondary, though that’s clearly the premise that’s being pushed here.

Wesley Snipes would be so proud.

I don’t know if anybody realizes the magnitude of the bullshit that is being pushed here. Let’s assume he makes it to the door unscathed. As soon as he started talking the women would have ganged up on him and not heard a single damn thing he said. Even if everything he said was true, up until the implied white woman drama free part, it wouldn’t matter because no self-respecting black woman is going to listen to any black man justify dating a white woman. None. He is automatically weak and that gives them every opportunity to just mentally beat him down especially since he’s trying to defend himself which serves no purpose whatsoever.

That’s like a black man trying to defend himself in 1867 for whistling at a white woman with an all white jury deciding his fate. Guilty bitch, guilty.

Further, where in America have you EVER seen four black women who would calmly answer questions and act civil in an emotionally charged situation like that. I have three sisters, one of whom has a kid by a white dude and she STILL goes off on black men dating white women. Hell, she went off on her white baby-daddy for dating a white girl.

Common sense and pissed off black women never quite meet in the middle.

But nope, in this clip, the black women listened and answered his questions in a way that made it seem that he was asking questions that made the women think. Hold the fuckin’ phone. There is no thinking in emotionally charged situations…not until after everybody’s had time to think on their own. But there they go, thinking and listening as this black man completely destroys their criticisms of him.

Pure and utter bullshit.

You get all the standard shit. “Youse a weak ass nigga.” “I’m not dating right now because I’m tired of weak ass niggas like you.” And of course none of the women is dating…except for the light skinned woman.

Who is dating a white man. Waitaminute.

I don’t know about you, but that immediately struck me as odd. In all of my experiences of living, most black women dating white men tend to be more on the darker side of the shade tree. I don’t know if lighter women are just on a quest for more color in their children’s lives or what, but you just don’t see that very often. I have a theory on this, but this is already long so that is another post. I could be wrong, but pay attention to the women you see dating white men, there are exceptions, but for the most part, it isn’t the uber-lightskinned black women doing it.

So to the makers of the movie Tired Black Man, I say, nigga please. Nowhere in America would one black man stand a chance against 4 black women on damn near anything, unless he is their pimp. And not like Nelly, but like Mr. Whitefolks. Further, nowhere in America would the bIack man get clearly cogent and understandable opinions out for the black women to calmly hear and internalize to a point where they felt bad.

I am a black man. I am not stupid. I know what battles to pick with black women. That ain’t one of them.

I look forward to more comedy, but the least you can do is make it slightly more realistic. At least throw in one of the fights that undoubtedly would occur. Thank you however for making the women in the clip at least attractive despite the fact that the white woman with no lines was the best actor in the entire thing as Hollywood is undoubtedly worried about the recent quadrupling of black people who are the recipients of much coveted Oscars.

Yesterday, all the major hip-hop online outlets had news of this recent report that said:

Listeners of rap are more likely to encounter problems with alcohol, drugs and violence than listeners of other genres, according to a new study by the Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation’s (PIRE) Prevention Research Center.

More than 1,000 community college students, age 15-25, participated in the study, titled “Music, Substance Use and Aggression.” The students were questioned on their music listening habits, alcohol use, illicit drug use and aggressive behaviors, such as getting into fights and attacking or threatening others.

The results found that rap was consistently associated with alcohol use, potential alcohol use disorder, illicit drug use and aggressive behavior. - via Allhiphop.com

On the surface, that looks like another reason to say that rap music is what is afoul in the black community and further, potentially, every community as a whole.

Well, I pooh-pooh on this study.

[***Sidenote: I have no idea why, but I have a newfound affinity for saying "pooh-pooh" when in reference to things that make little to no logical sense to me. There's nothing like being a grown smurfin' black man who uses the word pooh-pooh around other grown people. I'm sexxy. ***]

I’m sure this type of study adds fuel to the fire of those individuals who blame artists for crimes that they had nothing to do with. A kid kills a cop? If he listens to rap, the connection will be made that he killed a cop because he listens to rap. And of course white people, religious anti-rap crusaders, and lots of black people who think that rap is what’s wrong with the black community can find solace in knowing that a seemingly faulty study FROM JUMP further vindicates the hatred that already exists for rap music. Even the researchers claim that the study really isn’t necessarily as indicative as the results maybe used.

But who needs exact science? We need it to feed our beliefs. To hell with legitimate statistics. Give me what I want to HEAR!!!

I even read on SOHH.com where the article was titled: New Study Finds That Rap Music Drives You To Drink And Use Drugs. So even worse, the wrong information is coming from the hip-hop community too. Because yes, there are those in the hip-hop community who love to take shots at the commercial nature and need the ammunition to rail against the 50 Cent’s and southern rappers of the world.

Well…I’m calling bullshit.

Oh my bad, I pooh-pooh on such findings.

From the very second I read the reports on the article, two things jumped right out at me:

1) The sample they were using; and

2) The methodology they were using.

Before I jump into why this all makes little to no sense to me, let me first say I have no problem with doing studies that end up admonishing rap in any way, as long as logical sense is used. I also don’t think that the results cannot be used in any way shape or form. I just think that the way they will be used is wrong and also contains a bit of a, well…no shit, vibe to it. But alas, such is my opinion. On to the analysis.

The sampe they used for this was 1,000 community college students aged 15-25. Now, I’m not rocket scientist or survey psychologist, but in today’s day and age, what is the music form that a good 80 percent of all 15-25 year olds are listeing too?

Anybody?

If you said rap, give yourself a pat on the back. Young people, black and white, during their early years tend to trend similarly in their musical tastes because we all get our musical tastes from where?

Anybody?

MTV.

Now, that’s not to say that MTV is the sole music source for many of us (your parents are also a big source), but in all reality, who doesn’t watch MTV at all? In their teenage years? Let’s ALSO throw into the equation that these are college students (community, but hell its still got an element of education). Raise your hand if you never drank or tried any illicit drug in college, on your own volition.

*spotting a few hands here and there*

It’s kcuffin’ college! Especially in the white world, from what I know, drinking is just one of those things you do. I went to a predominantly white high school. Them white kids would get drunk every weekend like it was nothing. I have no reason to assume that those who were drinking in high school would stop by the time they got to college, be it community or Harvard. In college, the black students were smoking up shit like it was going out of style. I know so many people who experimented with drugs it isn’t even funny. People who I’d never think smoked a few times just because they figured they should get that experience. Hell, I’ve considered smoking a cigar before because I was bored. And that was two weeks ago. I’ve never smoked a thing in my life.

Once again, it’s kcuffin’ college! And they are 15-25 years old and rap is the most popular music form right now. Even people who claim not to be rap fans listen to Nelly. And you know white people love Eminem and 50 Cent. How else would they do those huge numbers?

My second beef is the order of operations or methodology. So, based on what I read, I’m assuming they just gave these folks a questionnaire with questions about their drug use, alcohol assumption, aggression, etc. and it simultaneously questioned them about their music preferences from rap to rock and roll. That’s all well and good except when coupled with the age group and the fact that these are college students, you are going to get results like this. Hmm, I smoke pot. I listen to Nelly. Well, Nelly listeners are prone to smoking pot. It’s too simply done.

If a=b, and b=c, then a=c. With a being college student, b being illicit drug use (or what have you) and c being rap music.

That’s WAY to simple a connection to make. And then run with.

The experiment I’d like to see?

Track kids from an early age all with the same background (and I know that you won’t be able to predict if they come up the same way but hey, that could play a part in it as well) using their musical preferences as a guide. See what happens to the kids that don’t listen to rap and what happens to the kids that do listen to rap. If the kids that don’t listen to rap end up being perfect model citizens and the kids that do end up shanking mofo’s at age 15, well then you got me. But what happens if there is no difference? What happens if the Preacher’s Kid who doesn’t listen to rap drinks as much and smokes more than the lawyer’s son who listens to rap…exclusively?

Hell, on The Boondocks, Huey did an experiment to see if he would be dumber if he watched nothing but black shows for two weeks straight. Now THAT is some science I can get behind!

I realize that these studies are done because somebody probably wants to find out the connection. And at its most basic level, this is probably how some random high school student would do this experiment. But, it seems a tad reckless since most scientists know that most people can’t read nor do they give a shit about the “other findings” like:

Researchers emphasize that the survey’s results can’t determine whether listening to certain genres leads to alcohol or illicit drug use or aggressive behavior.

However, young people with tendencies to use alcohol or illicit drugs or to be aggressive may be drawn to particular music styles.

At that point, it becomes a chicken and the egg scenario. And scientists have been grappling with that one for eons.

Which made this finding even more funny to me:

The study, published in the May issue of the Journal of Studies on Alcohol, also found that young people who listen to reggae and techno use more alcohol and illicit drugs than listeners of other music, with the exception of rap.

So young partygoers and ravers might use drugs??? No way!

Nope. That’s not what people care about.

People care about this: Study shows rap music drives kids to drink and use drugs.

Score one for anti-rap proponents!

“People should be concerned about rap and Hip-Hop being used to market alcoholic beverages, given the alcohol, drug and aggression problems among listeners,” Meng-Jinn said. “That’s particularly true considering the popularity of rap and Hip-Hop among young people.”

You can add a “no shit, sherlock” to the end of that statement as we didn’t need this study to let us know that malt-liquor companies have been trying to use rappers for years to tap into the listeners. St. Ides, anyone?

Maybe, it’s just me, but if that was the point of this study, then the researchers have been asleep at the wheel for quite some time since none of that is news.

So, to the people who will use this as just further proof that rap is what’s wrong with the black community, I pooh-pooh on your assertions and question if you’ve really thought about this study for more than the 10 seconds it took to read the headline that you were happy to read.

Reading is fundamental, rap is the manifestation of a bunch of other problems in the black communiy and the world community as a whole, and niggas that don’t read will get you killed.

And that is some science for that ass.

I love my friends.

Despite the amazing accomplishments of many of my immediate accomplices and co-D’s, rarely do we discuss the future Nobel Prizes, Pulitzer Prizes, and advances that mankind will make due to the diligence and work ethic of my friends. We are, like most other young, gifted, and black people concerned with the important things in life, such as music, pop-culture, movies, relationships, and America’s Next Top Model.

And you can throw an impromptu discussion about religion and race into that list as well.

By the way, wasn’t the first sentence of the paragraph before the preceding paragraph really pretentious and presumptuous? Do you realize I used five (5) words in the last sentence that started with “p” and none of the words has less than 9 letters in them? Probably not.

Well yesterday, one of my co-D’s, who will be graduating from Georgia Tech in August with a Ph.D. in biomedical engineering, and I happened upon a discussion that quickly devolved into a disagreement about behavior in high school. It is possible that some of you reading this will recognize the circumstances for which this question might arise. For others, you will not, which only makes sense because not recognizing is the direct complement of recognizing. It’s either/or bucko. I’m feeling educational today.

So I bring to you the discussion that me and my co-D, The Great, had on yesterday because we need further clarification. This convo also arose with another friend on Monday so you see how important this is to the black community.

Are you ready?

Good.

Mind you, this all involves what you would have done in HIGH SCHOOL. Not yesterday at yo’ mamma ‘nem house. Further, if you let the behavior we will discuss happen after high school, you should not be allowed to procreate as you are singlehandedly bringing down the black community.

The more you know.

*ding*

Let’s start with the main question and work our way into the discussion.

Question. And that’s if only I can ask this question, can I?

Yes you can!!!

When dating somebody, or maintaining interest in somebody for whom you actually have regular contact, and that person has a nickname, how long is it plausible to go without actually KNOWING their real name? And is it even realistic to assume that you will go any significant time (like say, a week) without knowing their real name? Can you date somebody without ever knowing their real name?

Let’s say you are in high school, and you meet a nice young lady (clearly this is from the male’s point of view but it can go either way) at the mall who tells you that her name is Woopty-Woop. Despite her gawdawful nickname, you are interested and she is as well. The two of you exchange information and you wait the pre-requisite day to call. Now, when you do decide to call, you will realize that you are about to ask whoever answers the phone for a Woopty-Woop, but you have a little reassurance knowing that she probably gave you her cell phone number. If she doesn’t have a cell phone, you will still call but you will be nervous from the potential that you just might ask a grown smurfin’ person who answers the phone for a person named Woopty-Woop knowing good and smurf well that no parent in their right mind (though a parent out of their right mind might do so) would name their child no smurfin’ Woopty-Woop.

Say you do get direclty to Woopty-Woop. And you all begin conversatin’ (I assume they’re both black since I doubt white people would have a nickname like Woopty-Woop, so it is entirely possible that they will conversate), in my mind, one of the FIRST questions that will be asked is, “so what’s your real name?” Followed by the most logical second question you ask a fellow high schooler who doesn’t go to school with you, “what school do you go too?”

It is my opinion that it is entirely unfathomable to go more than a week DATING (in high school terms which means talking on the phone and meeting up at the mall for kissy-face which leads to the hopefully safe sex in a car behind the mall), you would at least find out the person’s real name. And further, you’d want to know where they went to school.

My boy, The Great, disagrees. He doesnt think the real name is important and that as long as you have a name to call them, you’re in the game. He also doesn’t think that finding out what school the other person goes to is important either.

We are at an impasse. And we need your help. Is finding out a person’s real name that important or is it just good enough to have something to call them? And is where they go to school irrelevant to high schoolers?

When I was in high school, knowing where people went to school was important. We had a high school in Huntsville, Alabama, Lee High School, where it seemed like all the fine chicks went. If you were dating a chick from Lee, you were in there like swimwear (girls callin’ me hun)

Do you have an itch that you want someone else to scratch?

Are you pissin’ razorblades and would like somebody else to piss switchblades with you?

Have you constantly wondered why all the people in the Herpes commercials seem so doggone…well…happy?

Well it’s because Michael Jackson isn’t the only obviously infected person who isn’t alone. If you need some of that good fire love, venture on over to the internet’s newest hot spot…

…MatchSTD.com.

If you have ants in your pants and haven’t been able to find somebody who can relate to your struggle, this is the place for you.

According to the site’s co-founder, MatchSTD.com averages about 800 people looking for that new hotness per day.

‘We`re averaging about 800 members a day,’ said co-founder Bentley Dawson. ‘This all happened so quickly. We went from pretty much nothing to 15,000 hits an hour, and as of today, we`ve gotten 35,000 hits in an hour.’

I hope those hits are protected!

In all seriousness (albeit short-term seriousness), this is actually a really good idea. I mean, in today’s day and age where diseases run as rampant as Carl Lewis, I can imagine a lot of STD infected individuals having trouble on the dating scene. Though, I can’t imagine somebody with gonorrhea really feeling like swapping gonorrhea for syphillis is a good tradeoff. But that’s just my close-minded thinking.

All I know is that today, my life is better, because I know that on the off-chance that I do contract an STD, I can find me a woman who not only has the hots for me, she’ll will also have the “hots” for me. And that makes me smile.

Thank you MatchSTD.com. Anonymously sparking the fire of romance since 2006!

[***DISCLAIMER: This was very insensitive. And quite frankly, I don't give a smurf! It's been a while since I've garnered some Hell points. Now we can all burn together. Get it...burn?? *sigh* I'm on Orbitz right now booking my ticket to West Hades. ***]

Television this past week has been filled with lots of blog fodder…so today, I shall randomly discuss many of the occurences since I don’t feel like doing a post on all of them individually.

Follow me…and if you’re slow…back that ass up.

-Everybody saw the show Black.White. on Wednesday night. I’m no different. If anything this show won’t exactly change race relations, though it will give me something to laugh about. And for the record, I hate EVERYBODY on the show EXCEPT the white girl. Bruno is the standard white man who doesn’t think racism exists, the black father (can’t remember his name) has already turned into the angry black man. I think there’s a bit of lost-ness on both of their parts. The black man is so angry, I swear I saw him point to an oil spot on the road and say that it was the white man’s way of saying black folks aren’t better than a box of Wheaties. That might be confusing for some.

Me too.

Conversely, the white dude is so oblivious that they held a KKK rally in front of their house and the white dude just said they were Sheet salesmen from Sears. The boy sucks, the wives need to just oil up and fight now. At least the girl isn’t dumb enough to think that she really is going to be a black person. Also…did you see the newfound love the two white folks found when they changed colors? Man…I felt dirty just watching them as they lusted for eachother in their new skins. Somebody needs to take on THAT angle, STAT. Shit, two seconds as black folks and they were ready to get that jungle love going. And yes, junglebunny has to be one of the strangest racial slurs ever.

This show will clearly be discussed weekly while its on.

-The new season of America’s Next Top Model has started. And similar to Black.White., I damn near hate every chick on the show thus far. Except the racist white Republican chick who didn’t make it into the house. I love her. She needs a reality show quick. I want to see her in a house with Flavor Flav or Crunchy Black. Some cable exec had to be watching ANTM and realized the gold mine that she is. Questioning why any black person would work at Abercrombie & Fitch (since we don’t wear clothes like those) and THEN countering with, “I mean, I wouldn’t get a job at FUBU…” Classic. I love her. That’s how I like my racists: honest, unapologetic, and totally unafraid to expose themselves on national television while trying to CONVINCE people to give them a chance. Oh yeah, I also like my racists to not believe they are racists…that’s how you drive up ratings.

As far as the rest of the cast, they picked one helluva psychologically jacked up cast. Jade, the “bi-racial butterfly” who is so arrogant that even I hate her (and trust me, that’s saying somethign), to the Confused Asian chick, to the black woman who’s mama needs to be slapped 18 ways from July 4th, FURONDA…

STOP.

I know a lot of black folks are on this whole idea of: why must we conform with our name choices to mainstream society? We shouldn’t be discriminated against for being the creative people that we are. Well, black people, there you go. This is what happens when we decide to go that creative route. Her name is Furonda. Unless there is an African country, river, village, or juju-bee named Furonda, I assume her momma likes fur. We need to have some kind of naming Commission or something. I’ll even volunteer to head it up. If you come with a WACKTASTIC name you get the gas face, the thizz face, and Joan Rivers should be able to slap you with a used tire. Then…as an additional punishment, you are either given the name Bob (not Robert…Bob) if your kid is a boy, or Rebecca if it’s a girl, by default. No if’s, ands or buts about it.

Continued. Danielle is alright except for her teeth. She has the Tyson Beckford grill. It’s kind of like the Foreman Grill, only this one gives you a burger with pockets. Then there’s Mollie Sue…this is the current white equivalent of Furonda. It is now 2006. She is no older than say 25. What in blue thunder were her parents thinking in the early 80’s? I knew a chick in high school named Molly. She was handicapped and drove one of those scooters and used to run over everybody in the hallway. Shit….

…she’d take out your ankles in a New York Minuute. Which is something like what’s left of Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe’s marriage.

And Nnenna ain’t that fine…she just has a good backstory and gives good face. Which sounds like porn lingo.

-My favorite channel right now, vh1, is running their “I Love Toys” special. And do you know The Big Wheel was ranked like number 30 something? THE BIG WHEEL??? One of the most revolutionary toys ever. For the record, the voters have come up with a list of the 100 best toys and their staff of B-List celebrities are discussing them. It’s great. I’d love to work there. In fact that has supplanted, Be One of the men Halle Berry runs off, as my number one goal in life now…work for vh1.

Just a great show like all the rest of their shows.

vh1 also had the DMC Adoption special. That was heartwarming. I wonder what the over/under on the number of days before one of his newfound brothers or sister and mother asks for some money. I’m saying it took 2 weeks. Any bets?

And of course, vh1 has the Flavor of Love finale. I might shed a tear. We need more Flavor Flav in our lives.

BREAK IN THE PROGRAMMING FOR APOLOGY FROM JACKSON G. TICKLE ENTERPRISES PUBLIC RELATIONS MANAGER:

Panama Jackson would like to apologize upfront for the following transgression. The temptation was too strong and he could not stop himself. That is all. All questions and beefs may be targeted here.

-I watched College Hill on BET last night. I couldn’t resist. I didn’t even know it was coming on I just happened to be scrolling thru my channels and there it was. So I went to view it and see which HBCU was next to call their morality into question. This season, the winner/loser is Virginia State University. They even managed to get a white Paul Wall-ish dude into the house. They ran two episodes yesterday. So far the Puerto Rican chick is clearly going to be the hell raiser. She’s gone topless in the jacuzzi DURING HOMECOMING WITH A BUNCH OF FOLKS IN HER PRESENCE and got upset because niggas weren’t acting right.

Ummm…riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Somehow, one of the dudes in the house still hangs with his 44 year old frat brother (they are Ques) who comes into a house full of 18-22 year olds and tries to holler at the women. This dude might need to be easy because he has that R.Kelly-Woody Allen look in his eyes the whole time. But this cast doesn’t seem so bad yet though the entire first two episodes were dedicated to who was going to “hook up” which is funny because apparently black folks are starting to use that term, though ironically, when one of the black folks said it, I knew exactly what that meant…fucking.

Don’t you love how I just totally misused the word “ironically” in that sentence?

Between all of vh1’s quality programming and all of these other can’t miss shows, looks to be one hell of a season for TV watching.

And I’d like to once again apologize for watching BET, but at least I didn’t watch the Lil Kim series…my hypocrisy only goes so far.

Good Night and Good luck.

Ichiban bitches.

(Most Known Unknowns no longer…now white people know who you are.)

“Crunchy Black has an Oscar. We have to prepare ourselves for the fact that the world may be coming to an end.” ~ semi-incorrect words (Cruncy Black actually isn’t one of the authors or producers of the song…hence he didn’t really win shit…but the sentiment is still right) uttered by my boy The Great, shortly after Queen Latifah announced to the world that members of Three 6 Mafia won the oscar for Best Original Song.

And I couldn’t be happier. Well aside from the potential end of the world, but I had a good run.

Seriously.

Admittedly, I’m black.

Yes I know. Shocking. What that means is that much like every other black person that can read or even knows who Truman Capote was, I was a tad nervous as to what the Three 6 Mafia was going to bring to the stage last night. Nervous might not be the right word.

Terrified might be more appropos.

Honestly, I hid under my couch while they were performing. Okay, that was dumb. I don’t have a couch. I have a futon.

But lo and behold, Three 6 gave us the absolute whitest rendition of that song they could give, complete with white interpretive dancers and…fuck it, they gave us interpretive dancers period. There was actual choreography (and they thanked the choreographer on stage…who saw THAT coming?) to give the song somewhat of a more finessed feel. And it worked. I’m as amazed as anybody else, but it worked. It was a good performance. Very white (mainstream), but good.

After it was over…I made sure to look out my window to see if time had magically reverted back to the mid-1800’s. Apparently, they DID NOT set us back.

Even Taraji Henson was lovely, if not a smidge out of place in her Oscar gown. I love her. She’s so ‘hood it’s ridiculous.

To cap off the toned down performance, Taraji Henson ended the song with a run that I couldn’t find on my Hustle & Flow soundtrack for shit. I listened over and over again and it just wasn’t there. Yes, I own it. And love it.

Basically, they did what anybody put in their position would do. They made you focus on the actual song as opposed to the people delivering it.

Which is the EXACT opposite of what a good 99% of us expected.

We ain’t shit.

A damn shame how sometimes we forget that though some of these rappers seem to exude ghetto-ocity in everything they do, they are ultimately smart people who have made moves and shakes to be successful at their chosen field. We don’t give them much credit apparently. And we can argue about their business acumen later, but you will be wrong.

However, as surprised as I was at the performance, NOTHING prepared me for the fact that they would actually win the Oscar for Best Original Song…against Dolly “My Boobs Are Too Big To Box With God” Parton.

And once again, I couldn’t be happier.

Since they are black, out of nowhere, we got the obligatory…”thank you Jesus.”

Good times.

But back to the surprise of them winning. You know, I know a lot of black folks who have disdain for the movie and further couldn’t care less about no damn “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp” song. Me, I love the song. I’ll be the first to tell you.

I’m a fan of Three 6 Mafia. I’m not saying that they are the best rappers out there, but I’ll be damned if they can’t put together a good album. And who wasn’t bumping “Stay Fly (High)” since last summer? But many a nigra was downright offended by the Oscar’s choice of that song. Not even realizing how good the song was IN RELATION TO THE MOVIE. It fit the movie to a “T”…which is the POINT.

[***Sidenote: What the fuck does that saying "to a T" mean anyway? Is it because the the horizontal line sits right up there perfectly balanced in the actual formation of the "T"? And does it matter if its lowercase? Also, does that take into account the use of nails and other hardware in today's societ? Inquiring minds would like to know. ***]

We fell into the old, “well see we only get nominated for shit like that…” Yada yada yada. And since there were so many people who either hated or loved the movie, black people that is, had we been voting, it wouldn’t have won.

Thank God for white people. Oh, and the Academy… who are the ones who voted for that song to win. Oh right, I had the Academy covered by saying white people. Let Halle, Denzel, and Jamie Foxx in and I done plum forgot that that’s only 4.

Speaking of which, somebody needs to get Denzel’s vote card…STAT. I wonder which song he voted for? Because you KNOW Jamie Foxx voted for “…Pimp” to win. Did you see how happy he was??? I myself just laughed for a good 5 minutes. In glee bitches, in glee.

Hell, now I’m waiting for them to drop their next album featuring the lead-single, club banger, “Bitch I Got An Oscar”. I think it would go something like this:

“they hatin’ on us but we did it/so fuck all them hatin’ violatin’ ass bitches/you bitch nigga’s sittin at home had to watch us/cuz I’m Juicy J and Bitch I got an Oscar”

Speaking of which…on the song “Stay Fly (High)”, Juicy J quips: “I ain’t Denzel, but I know I’m a star”. Well, now you and Denzel have both been recognized by the Academy. You both have Oscars. What are the odds of seeing a collabo between Jamie Foxx, Denzel, and Three 6 Mafia doing a song called “Oscar Nigga!”

There’s so much potential out there now.

Also, what are the odds on Kanye deciding that he wants an Oscar now too. He is doing the song for “Mission Impossible 3.” Will we have to hear him bitch and moan if he doesn’t win next year? Probably…but fuck him today, because Three 6 Mafia is on top of the world.

As much as we want to hate on them, those niggas got themselves an Oscar. In the famous words of Jon Stewart:

“Martin Scorcese zero Oscar’s, Three 6 Mafia…one!”

Collar’s were popped, clubs were torn up, spinners were rode, two-ways were exchanged with freaks, and sizzurp was sipped.

And George Clooney got bigged up.

“You leave you’re Oscar ’round me, bitch you’re Oscar gonna get snatched up…”

Good damn job.

Atlanta, Georgia.

Home of the Braves.

*chuckle*

That’s funny actually.

Also, home of the most ridiculous speed limit in the history of the United States. Anybody who’s been to Atlanta and driven on I-285 is very familiar with the 55 MPH speed limit and with the total disregard for it by the drivers of the city that Sherman burned.

It’s been affectionately referred to as the Atlanta Motor Speedway.

Many Atlantans have fallen victim to the total randomness of being ticketed for doing 80 MPH on I-285 while everybody else is already doing 75 MPH. I myself have received at least 2 tickets that I can remember on I-285 in both the City of Atlanta and Cobb County.

And a ticket in Atlanta is no joke. One of my tickets was a whopping $285. Much like other ticketed drivers who are confused by their tickets when it is a well documented fact that there is NO enforced speed limit on in Atlanta, I’ve often wished I could do something about it…if only to prove a point. I’m all for civil disobedience.

Which is why I proudly stand up, salute, and add to my list of heroes, the group of students from Georgia State University who had enough and decided to do something about it. They were tired of tickets so they took the Georgia Depart of Transportation on.

Check the Atlanta Journal-Constitution article here.

They are my heroes.

These students released a short film they created called “A Meditation On The Speed Limit” and are receiving all the national attention they deserve. What did they do?

(Check out the video here.)

In four cars, on all four lanes, the students from Georgia State University and other local colleges paced the entire midmorning flow of Perimeter traffic behind them at 55 mph for half an hour. They call it “an act of civil obedience.”

“I get a lot of tickets,” said Andy Medlin, 20, the Georgia State student who came up with the idea. “The best way to expose the flaws in the system is by following it.”

God bless us everyone.

And also piss off EVERYBODY in the process. Traffic in Atlanta is the absofuckinlutely worst. There is no rush hour. Every hour is rush hour. You are just as likely to sit in traffic at 2am as you are 2pm. Believe you me, nothing pisses you off like sitting in traffic in Atlanta at 2am on a Saturday night…on a highway.

Except…

…being fucking ticketed on a highway when everybody is doing at least 75 and you get busted for doing 80. What kind of gotdamned sense does that make? Of course, I was doing 84 when I got my inaugural ticket but that’s neither here nor there.

It’s especially frustrating when considering statements like these from the spokesman for the state Department of Transportation:

(David) Spear added that the speed limit was lowered to 55 because it saves lives. “In Atlanta, the actual effect of it is we expect the people going 75 to move over so the people going 95 can have the right of way,” he said.

Ironically, you can be killed doing 55 MPH in Atlanta more easily than you can doing 75 since NOBODY drives 55 MPH.

These students took a flawed system’s ridiculousness into their own hands. And it is for this, I salute them.

They…are my heroes.

They are a shining example of how you can buck the system by following its very intent.

Their parents should be proud.

I don’t even know them and I’m proud.

Fuck the system!

(And Starbucks!)