So apparently the holidays are when people lose their damn mind. Seriously. All you have to do is comb through any random entertainment site and you’ll see some of the most ri-damn-diculous news ever. So let us begin.

Oh and by the way, I’ve been working like an actual Hebrew slave for the past two weeks only coming up for air twice. Okay, perhaps a few more times than twice but you get my point. A brotha was doing work for his actual day job (not just the night job) at approximately 2AM on Friday night.

This AFTER leaving the night job early so that I could do work for the day job. And people say government workers don’t be doing shit. Shit. Or maybe even, sheeeeeeee-it. However, it’s back to the grill again and I’m gearing up for a busy 2008. I have so much crap on the books right now you’d think that I was 4 people. But alas, I’m only one.

But when that one is Panama Muhfuckin’ you KNOW you’re in for a treat. Word to halloween, bitches.

So onto motherfuckers losing their mind. Let’s start with Amy Winehouse.

Have you ever just been worried about somebody you don’t know? That’s me right now. I don’t particularly care for her that much however I’m worried about that dame’s mental. And not in the Michael Jackson way either. Mike seem’s harmless to me. Amy Winehouse seems like a tornado looking for her next trailer park. Her and her husband are like the white Bobby and Whitney in every possible bad way you can view that. This white-nigga is going to jail for tampering with a witness (her husband that is) and allegedly these motherfuckers have…

…wait for it…

…wait for it…

…Beautiful Love and Bitches coming soon to a ghetto near you…

…allegedly threatened suicide if they are separated for more than 5 years.

Good God. These Euros are a few sandwiches short of an English picnic. Not sure what you’d call an English picnic as I’m positive it would include tea and crumpets. So perphaps they’re a few teabags short of an English tea-time. Fuck it, you get my point.

These white people are wasting their whiteness on stupid shit and acting like ignant niggas. Word to Paul Mooney. You can read all about Amy Winehouse’s travails on tmz, vh1, MTV, hell, anywhere at this point. I beg of you not to look at her pictures. For any of us who’ve done any time in the actual hood and have seen a real crackhead, these pictures will be a painful reminder of the fact that there are white crackheads…which of course, does absolutely NOTHING for race relations in America.

White crackheads + Black crackheads = so not that hot shit. However, I’ll bet crackheads everywhere have been saying, “and here’s another hit, Barry Bonds” right before taking that drag.

Hip-hop. It’s everywhere people. Embrace it.

On to the next one…

Any long time readers of this site know that I’m an Omarion fan. I’ve actually purchased his albums and have sang their praises. What can I say? The lil’ guy’s got talent. Could use a growth spurt, but couldn’t we all? Though I must say, there must be a correlation between gaining success at an early age and lack of height. These niggas STAY short forever. Must be those weight-training regimens that give 8-year-old’s abs of steel.

Well, Omarion, or O as we affectionately call him around the Jackson G. Tickle offices, and lil Bow Weezy have recorded an album together called “Face/Off” which not coincidentally has THE gayest album cover in recent history. But whatever. Either way, Bow Wow has been on a tear lately in his attempts to understand why they (though my guess he’s wondering more from his own perspective) don’t get the respect they deserve. O has seemed pretty level headed and sane in most of the conversations but he’s begun to come out of the shell and emulate his miniature-companion. Allow me to provide a few links for you to ponder:

Please see here and here, and oh please see here.

Oy vey. People, my guitar is gently weeping. I’ve come to the conclusion that Bow Wow lives in an alternate universe where he is actually important to the progression of music as a whole. He lives in a place where his talent and not his Jermaine Dupri cookie-cutter existence is the sole reason anybody knows him at all.

You see, in the le monde de Bow Wow, he is actually a motherfucking monster rapper who’s skills are better than anybody else. Nevermind the fact that T.I. is a well known ghost-writer for him or that his ENTIRE swagger and mannerisms are completely T.I.-esque at this point which means that they are Jay inspired. He even mentions on that last video how he’s sold out Madison Square Garden’s twice and even Jay hasn’t done that. Though, that’s largely because Jay’s only done one show there, but that’s just splitting hairs now isn’t it.

Further, the fact that Jay did it once with actual grown people and not a screaming gaggle of 12-year old court cases kind of speaks volumes about Bow Wow’s actual relevance. I mean, if Bow Wow doesn’t release material, he has no fans. Jay can stop releasing material and will still have fans. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever met a person who’s said to me:

Panama, do you know who’s underrated? Bow Wow. He doesn’t get the shine he deserves. It’s been said about Omarion (though it was probably said by me, but that’s neither here nor there). In short (heh heh heh–pun intended), Bow Wow has lost his gotdamn mind.

Word to his handlers, let the imp know that he is not important. If 99 percent of LL’s fans wear high-heels, then 99 percent of Bow Wow’s fans wear training bras.

Hmm, Chris Brown has older fans than Bow Wow does. Could be because he’s taller. Me no know.

And lastly, I’d like to send a “Wow, you’re fucked” to the exec’s at Nickelodeon. It’s been reported that Jamie Lynne Spears, the younger sister of Britney Spears is pregnant. She’s the star of “Zoey 101″, a popular show on the children’s network (though grown ass people like me actually do watch Nickelodeon). Hmm, chicks get pregnant all the time.

She’s 16.

Well, Nicelodeon, how exactly to you spin yourself out of a situation where your shows push teenage innocence and mischief and one of young-as-the-fuck teenage stars is not only OBVIOUSLY fucking but has gone and got knocked the fuck up. There is no positive way to spin that. Something told me that they needed to keep that girl from her looney sister but man, she’s a 16-year-old teen star who has been knocked up by a 19-year-old.

Ruh-roh. Not sure how shit runs in Louisiana, but it seems like that’s one of those statutory rape charges that got young Genarlow Wilson sent up shit’s creek. And you know what, there is very little difference here aside from the fact that one happened in Louisiana and the other is in Georgia and different states do different shit.

Genarlow was on tape and this fellow’s evidence is in his girlfriend’s belly. And um, no pun intended there at all. Though that is a sort of double entendre thing but I’ll let the pervs run with that one.

Either way, I blame her mother for not making her understand the levity of getting pregant young. Her career? Ruined. You can’t get a job on a wholesome network or anything anymore because of this. Teenage pregnancy is not something to aspire too. And Nickelodeon is all about aspirations. Those shows all have some kind of message in them about being all you can be–and not in the army sense either.

So yes, Nicelodeon, you’re fucked. Welcome to Blackness.

Sounds like a book title doesn’ it?

2008 — the year to be.

So word to the wise — if you have any inkling of acting a damn fool between now and January 1st, just resist the temptation and wait until the next week.

It’s a much better look.

Goodnight and goodluck.

Washington D.C. is having the worst. week. ever.

Everybody around here is talking about the shooting death of Washington Redskin’s football player Sean Taylor, and rightfully so. It’s tragic when young people’s lives are taken in such a cavalier and reckless manner. Even more so in this case because the details make it sound like it was less a robbery and more personal. He was shot in his bedroom. And he had a machete.

I hate to do this here, but do you remember what T.I. was holding in his bedroom? Yeah, army guns–the type of army guns that turn over Humvees and take out missile silos in countries shooting for gold in the nuclear arms race. T.I.? Wouldn’t be a victim in a home invasion. Imagine what he was holding under his pillow. My guess is that it was some sort of semi-automatic hunting rifle. You know, the kind that gives animals a fair chance to get away!

Either way, R.I.P. Sean Taylor.

That’s not the only bad news in Washington right now. On Monday, a report was released about the AIDS epidemic in DC. And boy is it ugly. Turns out DC has the highest concentration of HIV/AIDS cases in the nation and that 9 out of 10 new HIV cases are…

…in Black women.

Click here to read the article.

You don’t need to be a statistician to know that those numbers are pretty shitty. Basically, if you aren’t strapping up in this city, you are an idiot. A first class idiot. In fact, your level of idiocy is unprecedented. Your level of idiocy is on par with Magic Johnson being the only living human being who seemingly has managed to get HIV to untraceable levels in his body. Which begs the question…if you can’t trace it, is it there? Hmm…think about it.

But you know what is there? Your lunacy.

So let’s think about this for a second. DC is already a terrible place to be a Black woman in search of man, notwithstanding some level of attractiveness. Face it, if you have bad face, your stuck anywhere except the Montana and West Virginia backwoods. And its not to say that you can’t find a mate its just to say that you have no choice in the matter–you take what you can get.

Sidenote: I went to this rather upscale “supper club” last night for a small gathering and I swear I saw the largest collection of women who looked like they might have been attractive 10 years ago. Seriously, I saw two women who looked seemingly attractive and that might have been more a addition-by-subtraction thing than a natural beauty thing.

So yes, it’s already a shitty place to be a single woman who’s looking for man. But NOW you have to think that every man is a walking STD. Truthfully, everybody should already feel like that given the amount of STDs available to the masses. And I say available because the way some people go raw with their sex lives you’d think they wanted an STD just to see what it felt like.

According to science? Not good. Though according to television, catching Herpes is just like going horseback riding. Actually the commercial more illustrates that you can still go horeseback riding. So I guess that one’s not so bad. Unless you’re that horse because I’ll bet NOBODY told the horse she had herpes! As if!

Ladies, check your weave.

Then rub your tits if you love Big Poppa.

Tits is a fun word.

So yes, bad dating scene, bad HIV scene, and not to mention the ridiculous subprime mortgage lending and foreclosure rate and gotdamn, DC just is not the place to be an unmarried Black woman. This is interesting because so many young Black people move to DC because it’s a city with a young professional Black crowd of substance and visibility. In some places, being a Black person with a graduate degree makes you important. In DC it makes you manager at McDonald’s. And even then it only qualifies you for the job. EVERYBODY in DC has a damn graduate degree. I myself have 7 of them! Okay that’s not true at all. But this is DC, its possible. For Black people, its exciting to be in a city where there are lots of people like yourself who are about something and can read.

Reading is fundamental.

But now what? I remember when I read the article in the Post about women’s struggles to find a man in this city and women everywhere were in arms about it. Interestingly enough, the ratio in DC was better compared to the nation as a whole. Something like 8.3 marriageable Black men (with the .3 accounting for the myth, they don’t call it the Beltway for nothing!) to 10 women compared to 7 to 10 for the rest of the nation. But now you have to ask about their peders. Talk about your uncomfortable first date question:

Chick: So, Brian, I know your not gay, but do you have AIDS? Just askin!

Brian: Check please!

OH…and not to mention that in the article it stated that it wasn’t homosexual interactions that were making up for the majority of cases. Nope, it was the straight people. You can now remove that “gay-man’s disease” bullshit from your domes.

The moral of the story here kiddies is that if you are a young Black woman thinking of moving to DC, take your happy ass to Philly where all you have to worry about is getting shot just for breathing. At least that might take you out quickly.

AIDS?

Not so much.

…is love, sweet love.

It’s coincidental that while I’m listening to one of my favorite. songs. ever. “What The World Needs Now Is Love” by Jackie DeShannon, that I come across an article that seems so insanely insane, it must be true.

Prattville Student Punished for Hugging Classmate Appears on NBC’s Today Show

Good God.

For those two lazy to click-and-read, here’s the crux of the article right here:

The mother of a student in Autauga County says her daughter was disciplined for simply hugging a friend.

She says the hug wasn’t meant to be sexual. She says her daughter was consoling a male friend who recently lost a parent.

I’ve decided that discipline in public schools has crossed the damn line. Just last year a young girl was suspended from school for having a key-chain that constituted a weapon according to a very conservative reading of a school district’s policy. Kids across America, little kids, are being suspended and disciplined for doing nothing more than doing kid things.

And what is a hug? Let’s be clear, nowhere do the powers-that-be mention that any groping or anything was going on. This young girl was hugging a dude. Perhaps since I don’t work in the public school system (or any school system for that matter), I’m missing the need to punish youngsters for all acts of public affection. I understand the need for disciplining two kids who are tongue-ing eachother down in the hallway or getting head under the lunch room table — which I’ve actually seen happen.

I’ve seen some shit that definitely needs to be nipped in the tuck. However, I think that hugging just might go over the line. Shit, a hug can be one of the most harmless acts ever. Granted, a hug can be sexual…then again, there’s a very clear delineation between the two. You can tell when some kids are hugging in a jolly way. I know. I used to do it. It was fun. I’ve been a witness to and a party to some overly inappropriate behavior in my high school days. Shit, one day one of my exe’s was wearing a skirt to school but she really wanted me to see the new panties she’d bought. So what does a bright, creative, young lady do?

Starts kicking her legs up in the air so I can see her nether-regions and her draws. And I saw a teacher watch it happen and do nothing. I thought we were finna get suspended. Hell, I’d have suspended us. That’s just going too damn far. However, kids hugging just doesn’t seem so bad. If anything it gives me hope that the kids are indeed the future. And that we HAVE taught them well and we can indeed let them lead the way.

Well, not really. But you get my drift.

I think that short of a sexually inappropriate gesture or touching or seeing a young girl or boy dry humping against a locker (once again, which I’ve seen), discipline for public displays of affection really needs some leeway.

But it goes back to the problem with schools nowadays anyway. We’re so afraid of kids shooting up our schools, which is a real fear, that we take every OTHER rule to its extreme, forgetting that for the most part, these kids are just that, kids. And they like one another before we tell them that they shouldn’t. So they play nice at times and hug because they like eachother.

And we make them pay for it.

Basically, some administrator didn’t get any lovin’ that day.

I’ve long contended that Starbucks is the “man” that everybody claims is holding them back. I might have been slightly premature in my judgement as Apple and Steve Jobs just might be up making a strong case for that title.

And lo and behold, Apple and Starbucks work together. The fuckers.

Well, my love for Apple and iTunes in particular is a problem. Albums that I can’t find in stores or that I have to order from Japan are available so of course, I cop them spending my hard earned government dollars on them. Techonology at your fingertips is a dangerous dangerous thing.

Something I tend to do on occasion is read the reviews of albums that ordinary people like you and John Legend write on various albums. They range from stupid to pretty damn spot on and “professional”. Which brings me to the reviews written about Soulja Boy’s latest offering to the hip-hop canon, souljaboytellem.com.

You all know who Souljaboy is. He has the song “Souljaboy (Crank That)” and unless you’ve been living under a rock or sleeping with the enemy, you’ve heard it. A million times over. You’ve probably tried to do the dance until you realized it takes hours of practice and quite frankly you’re a grown ass man so why in the hell would you be spending hours of your grown ass man time practicing a dance made popular by a kid who’s t-shirt is 36 (chambers) sizes to big for him who doesn’t even do his own dance in his own video and who came up with a dance called the Roosevelt which is in no way related to either of the two presidents with that last name or anybody named Rose Svelt.

Also, is it just me or is this nigga not the most unintelligble motherfucker on the planet. Seriously, as an ATLien, even I can’t understand 90 percent of what he’s saying and I’ve been a translator for people who come to Atlanta. Perhaps I’ve been in DC too long but gotdamn. Somebody get that man a Hooked on Phonics book. STAT. Dude sounds like he ate Detroit.

Word to Rich Boy.

Now, I haven’t actually listened to the album and have no intention of doing so. His first song, though fun to listen to and dance to in the club, has left me with no desire whatsoever of listening to anything he may ever offer up of my own volition. Nope, if it comes on in the club then so be it. I’m held hostage to the confines of Sodom and Gomorrah’s offspring. However, I just might be alone seeing as no less than 400 people have written reviews of this man’s album on iTunes.

That means they listened to it. To the surprise of nobody but possibly Souljaboy himself, the reviews were largely terrible. There were quite a few people ( I actually read through the reviews) who seemed amazed that this is what passes for hip-hop today. A lot of the standard responses.

And to those people I ask:

Da fuck is wrong with you?

Were you REALLY listening to Souljaboy to find that good shit? Are you the same idiots who bought D4L (remember them?) and expected a musical smorgasbord of social commentary over luscious instrumentals that beckoned your emotional core…and got “Laffy Taffy” and “Betcha Can’t Do It Like Me” which required the musical talent of a 2-year old?

In fact, I’m slightly convinced (though I can’t prove it) that the producer of “Betcha Can’t Do It Like Me” stole the idea for the songs main riff from a child who was playing with his “My First Keyboard” toy from Toys ‘R Us (probably the online store since real stores suck balls).

Anybody who listens to Souljaboy and is disappointed needs to do us all a favor.

Kill yourself.

I can’t believe that people not only took the time to listen and be disappointed (at what? what gave you expectations) but to be disappointed enough to actually write a review asking for a rating system that allowed the user to award less than one star. Idiots.

I found myself laughing constantly at the reviews of bitter and disappointed fans or “fans” though I have to say I think that anybody who actually took the time to listen to Souljaboy’s album probably doesn’t really listen to rap anyway and more or less listens to the radio for all of their aural lessons in music. I ain’t judging. Do you.

However, I’m sticking up for Souljaboy on this one. What gives you fuckers the right to be disappointed by a nigga who wasn’t trying to give you expectations in the first place?! That’s just not fair. If anything, you should appreciate an artist who aspires to low expectations and provides you the kind of shit that you don’t have to actually listen to in order to appreciate it. The joy of artists like Souljaboy is that they don’t require you to think or posit any type of real emotion.

No, they just ask you to be present. And in this world of fatherless babies and single-mothers, isn’t being present all we should ask for? Why think when you can just stare into the stars courtesy of artists like Souljaboy. Sure you might get a little bit dumber but education is overrated anyway.

What gives you the right to think his album is bad when the only songs you have from him weren’t good in the conventional sense in the first place? Shame on you. It’s not like you were listening for depth. You can barely understand him. But there you fuckers go levying your own insecurities on a boy (he’s just a boy) who’s decided to make music that just requires you to be breathing.

Souljaboy is for the people. He doesn’t get deep so you don’t have to think. And that’s what the people want.

Souljaboy loves the kids. Because he is one.

And being “one” is hip-hop.

So you go Souljaboy. I might not listen to your album–ever–but I support your cause.

Now watch me YUUULLLLL, Souljaboy.

Watch me YULLLLLLL.

Mayr-wige.

Mayr-wige is dat bwessed institution dat bwings us togeva today.

Translation:

Marriage is that blessed institution that brings us together today. Well, Saturday actually. But boy was it blessed.

So after that sloppy introduction let me tell you that I went to a wedding this weekend. Rather, I was in a wedding this weekend. As an usher.

Come a little closer.

That’s it.

A little more.

NEVER be an usher in a wedding. It requires so much random work its ridiculous. I had a good time and I wouldn’t take that time back. But unless I’m a groomsmen, I’m planning on planting my happy ass right in the pews with the rest of the love-viewers.

Now the point in bringing this up is that I witnessed something at this particular wedding that serves as a cautionary tale to all those young whippersnappers thinking of embarking on marriage and the ensuing planning and ish. I’ve been to no less than 5 weddings since last May. And I was in 4 of them. And I ain’t NEVA seen no shit like I saw at this wedding.

Let me unfold the story.

We’re at the part most people come to see at a wedding. YES YES!!! The bride is nearing her triumphant entrance into the sanctuary. Myself and the other usher are preparing to head down the aisle to roll the white carpet out for her…

YES YES!

Two young men tasked with the responsiblity of walking in with bells and screaming at the top of their lungs “THE MARRIAGE OF MALCOLM AND BETTY!” (well not really, but you get the drift) begin their walk into the sanctuary and then…

…the pastor says stop. He motions the two young men to stop. He tells them to walk out of the church and that we should roll out the carpet first, ya know, the white carpet that only the bride is supposed to walk down untouched.

The wedding coordinators shriek in horror as this man has managed to completely RUIN the wedding proceedings.

Ladies and gentleman, the pastor actually STOPPED the wedding so that he could have things happen in the manner in which he felt it should happen. It’s not in my nature to not like a man of God.

I do not like this particular man of God. Nevermind that the actual change he made wouldn’t have made any real difference for the wedding and was totally unnecessary. He just felt it should go the way he viewed it. It was not, so he made it do what he wanted it to do.

He…is a bad person.

The night before at the wedding rehearsal, he changed up the entire setup that was previously coordinated by those who coordinate such things. Perhaps we should come up with a term for them…perhaps…wedding coordinators. He decided he wanted to coordinate.

And coordinate (and confuse and discombobulate) he did.

I can’t even go to this church ever because of this man. As long as he’s the pastor, I couldn’t go. My god wouldn’t want me worshipping with his god.

While the proceedings were going on I just kept thinking to myself, when I get married, things will be made very clear to the pastor and everybody involved that it is MY WIFE AND I’S wedding and that ain’t NOBODY gonna wrest control of ANYTHING.

Mind you, the bride and groom told the pastor they wanted something to occur in the wedding.

He said, “no.”

At their wedding. They paid this man.

My god and his god might fight if that were to happen.

So, I leave you with three simple rules for getting married:

1) Make sure you’re marrying somebody you want, not just somebody you knocked up. Marrying somebody you knocked up (or got knocked up by) is such the bad look.

It is hip-hop. But it is not smart.

2) Make sure that you let people involved in the wedding know details that they need to know way in advance. If they are Black, they will need much advance notice.

It is rule. It is fact. We are Black. We need details.

And last but not least…

3) Do not ever let a grown ass man take control of your wedding and ultimately do shit his way which will ruin you doing it your because he felt that his way was better when truly its your day and your way should trump his way because your way is what you paid for not his way.

Apparently, Joe Jackson ain’t the only nigga who had control issues.

Word to Janet Jackson.

Justice.

Of all the words that have had any semblance of meaning since Black people were mercilessly brought to the United States, justice is the word that has had the most lasting effect. Not the n-word. Not racism.

Justice.

Black people have been searching for justice for hundreds of years. Sadly, we’ve yet to find any. The Jena 6 is a prime example of the lack of justice that America see’s fit to don upon Black people. Everything about that case just reeks of differential treatment and outright arrogance on the part of the prosecutors of LaSalle Parish in Louisiana.

It reminds me of the movie “Ghosts of Mississippi” where Byron De La Beckwith tells the Assistant DA Bobby DeLauder that “no jury in the state of Mississippi would convict a white man of killing a Black man.” Sure that was 1963 (initially) and he was acquitted of killing Medgar Evers at the time but for some reason those words just resound to me.

Those 6 young men were arrested for what amounts to a fistfight. The white student was up and running and attending events that very evening yet Louisiana is ready to put these young men in jail for damn near life? Mychal Bell, the first convicted, had his charges thrown out for battery and assault because the state claims he should have been tried as a juvenile.

Hmm…what about the people who put the nooses up? That’s a hate crime. This whole fucking country has issues. Hell, in Darfur, AMERICA was loathe to call what was happening genocide, because that means that we’d have to get involved. Sure, we can police the Middle East, but to hell with Africa.

Justice.

I’ll always contend that race relations in this country will remain the way they are now forever. Black people think everything is racism and white people think nothing is racism and that’s about as close to the middle as we’ll ever get. But what I’ve always wondered is why white people seem to ignore the impetus for our reasoning? Black people have been lynched for doing so much as looking at a white woman without even a hint of fear of paying for it.

In layman’s terms: for hundreds of years a white man could kill a Black man with reckless abandon because they had a justice system on their side. Not even just on their side; gleefully on their side. For fuck’s sake, any white man could walk into a courtroom with a smile and some sweetened tea and just wait for “justice” to prevail. That justice would be the white man getting acquitted for crimes he might actually have admitted to.

Justice.

How am I, a Black man raised to believe in people supposed to feel when I know that people can and will justify any and everything. A few weeks ago at the University of Maryland-College Park, Maryland’s flagship institution of higher learning, a noose was hung from a tree near the Black student union. Amazingly it allegedly stayed there for a week before it was taken down. I’d be willing to bet my life on it that for as many Black people who were offended and even scared that something like that would happen on a very diverse campus, as many white students claimed it was just a prank and not to take it so seriously.

A noose. A symbol of white power for hundreds of years. It symbolised the white man’s ability to get away with murder. It also symbolised the fear that Black people had to endure because ultimately, a white man could get away with murder.

Mind you, I recognize that the system was more to blame than merely the individuals involved. However, what kind of people could accept a system that devalued human life in such a manner. The problem is that in America, the system trumps all. Everybody can hide behind the law. Almost 600,000 people in the District of Columbia have no elected voting representation in Congress because of the “law”. Forget what’s implicity right. Nevermind that whatever advantage the addition of a voting member in the House for the District would totally be offset by an additional House seat in Utah. It violates the “law”. And that is what’s most important. Laws intended to protect and serve. However, residents of the district don’t get a say in the laws they are ultimately held accountable to.

Justice.

As a young Black man I have an unhealthy distrust for the justice system. I always worry that if I’m stopped for anything other than a routine traffic stop, I’m going to jail and I might never see the light of day again. Why do I think so negatively? Because it’s a real possibility. The stakes are so high for Black people, and men in particular, that achieving a certain age is akin to an actual accomplishment. I can actually brag on never having been to jail. That is a problem.

We live in a country where justice has two prongs: white justice as displayed in Jena, Louisiana (lest we forget that a gun was pulled on a group of Black students yet no charges were filed…let me try that on somebody and see what happens), and Black justice as displayed in Jena, Louisiana where six young men who got into a fist-fight were charged with attempted murder (later reduced to battery and assault).

Further, let us not forget that it all started because there was an actual “white” tree in Jena, Louisiana. A situation where until the status quo was questioned, all people were just as happy to live their lives in their own version of American reality. If anything, this entire saga just teaches us that as Black youth, if you attempt to challenge the status quo that the American way of life accepted, you just might find yourself staring down the barrel of a 25 to life.

I hope and pray that all of the demonstrating gets the message across. I’m proud of all of those individuals who made their way to Jena to protest and demonstrate. My hat’s off to them. I’m just sad that in 2007 in America, a nation that feels we can trumpet our way of life across the world as a paragon of the right way to do things, we still have a situation where a Black man’s life can mean so little.

And there are just way too many examples to illustrate that point.

Justice.

…and Superman’d that ho.

Man kisses ailing wife, hurls her from balcony

I think it’s official. Hell has won. I’ve reached the maximum amount of Hell points possible. It was a good fight and I fought the good fight, but man, how could I NOT take that angle. It incorporates pop-culture, assholish irony, and pure and total unabashed comedy.

You know you wanted to laugh.

Anyway, as you can tell from the story (and title of this post) a man Superman’d his wife from a balcony because he could not afford to continue paying for her health care. Mind you, this is a sentiment that is shared by many Americans as we grapple with the argument for universal health care.

Then again, I have to wonder how many people have dreamed of wanted to do the same thing with an ailing family member but thought better of it and then went to pray for their soul for the heinous act that they wanted to commit.

America, this is how bad its gotten. White people have taken to tossing their family members out the window because we’re just gotdamn broke. It’s bad enough that gas prices are high. Hell, he probably wasted some of the money he could use for her health care just driving her back and forth to places. It’s enough to make somebody want to throw somebody off a balcony!

Oh…right.

All jokes aside, I don’t know all the sides of the issue involving universal health care. I do know that our taxes would have to increase and this is not a country where people (namely the rich) want to use their tax money for other people’s social services. Which is a shame, for a country that prides itself on the common man having the opportunity to come from nothing to becoming a rich person, we sure do forget that it takes a nation of people to make that happen.

I would hope that nobody’s life and finances would ever be so bad that you’d have to resort to throwing family members over a balcony, despite KNOWING you’re going to get caught. Let’s face it, you can’t just go hurling people over balconies all willy nilly without anybody finding out about it.

Sad sad times and I feel sorry for the man and his wife.

And also, in the event that anybody feels I’m too much of a burden, just tell a muhfucka. Shucks, I’ll be mad as hell if I die because somebody threw me off a balcony!

Just too bad she couldn’t Spiderman that ho…

I’ve got two words for you: Jean “Motherfucking” Strahan.

Also known as the ex-wife, divorcé of one New York Football Giant, Michael Strahan.

Actually that’s three words unless you just count the “Motherfucking” as a nickname (which I do), therefore making it interchangeable, which still renders it as two words. Logic be damned.

Fellas, you REALLY need to consider the shit that you do while you’re married because this here justice system is going to fuck you with no vaseline. Basically, don’t get caught cheating on your wife or you just might lose roughtly 70 percent of your net worth.

Yes bitches, not 50, but 70.

Such is the case in this sad tale about divorce, retribution, and a (must be) woman judge.

To wit:

Michael got taken to the cleaners to the tune of $15.3 million in the divorce (New York Daily News headline: “Wife: 15,000,000, Strahan: 0″). He also had to vacate the couple’s 1906 Montclair, N.J. mansion, the one with the 22,000-square feet, 12 bedrooms, seven baths and a garage big enough for 20 cars.

The ruling was even more than Jean actually sought for the less than six years of marriage. The judge wound up giving up more than half of Michael’s estimated $22 million of net worth. from article, “Giant Headache” from Yahoo! Sports

Say it with me, class: Gotdamn! Dude, getting taken to the cleaners is so not heavy metal. However, if he OJs her ass with a gun instead of a knife, that would definitely qualify him as hip-hop.

Gunplay is so hip-hop. Word to Smith & Wesson.

And why did he get fucked 40 ways from Sunday taken to the cleaners? My guess is he sucks as a husband, but this probably helped:

Strahan’s rep took a beating in the divorce. It was alleged he ditched his wife and twin 2-year-old daughters to jet off with his mistresses, one he supposedly called “Cupcake.” Then there was the time, Jean alleged, he secretly videotaped her sister as she undressed only to later allegedly deposit $30,000 in her bank account.

And, maybe most damaging to female viewers, there was the rebuke by the judge for not remembering Jean’s birthday or their wedding anniversary. Every man knows that’s tough to overcome.

Dude, calling a woman, “Cupcake” is so not the hotness. I don’t care if she is just your jump-off sperm holder. But that’s WAY better than videotaping your sister-in-law undress. For fuck’s sake, what were you thinking? Things like that are what makes marriage such a fading institution. You just can’t trust anybody these days. Plus, people apparently can’t keep secrets either since he allegedly “secretly” taped his sister-in-law but motherfucking Yahoo! Sports knows about it. Some secret, Santa.

It’s no wonder El Idiote Strahan got laundered. He approached his cheating with reckless abandon and if the child support case of Diddy is any indication, New York state doesn’t play when it comes to infidelity and uberfuckery. Of course there is a downside to this whole thing (aside from the serious downside that Strahan will have to face if the actual settlement goes through, he’s appealing)…

…you see, Jean Strahan just might catch a bad one. Michael Strahan is a rich nigga. But he is also about to become a broke nigga. Yes people, he will not be able to live like he used to live once his career ends (like in a year). And you do not mess with a Black man’s money. She’s white too?! Oy vey. I’m getting OJ flashback as we speak, except instead of a white Bronco, it will be a black Escalade with limo tints and a bulletproof fiberglass casing.

Let’s just say, Jean Strahan might need some security because she took his house, his money, and she doesn’t really have to do shit except sit back and laugh at him.

“I ain’t saying he should have killed her, but I understand…” ~ Chris Rock, Bring The Pain, 1996

Word to the wise when purchasing a wife…let the buyer beware.

That bitch might cost you 25 to life one day.

Michael Strahan, this is your life.

I don’t like talking about people’s mommas, but umm…

…Michael Vick’s momma needs a good talking to.

How in Sam Hill do you raise TWO superstar, abnormally, talented fuck-up athletes and not once sit them down and teach them the difference between right and wrong?

And for the record, I don’t think the dogfighting is the most heinous thing one can do. Hell it isn’t even illegal in all states. However, electrocuting, hanging, beating to death, and any other inhumane crime to a dog is why I think that nigga should fry.

Fuckin’ fry him. Throw the book at him and the kitchen sink. Put his ass in jail with Shillinger from Oz. I’m a pet lover to the nth degree. I love animals and I hate when bad things happen to animals. Unless of course said animal is trying to maul me or something, in which case, well…

…they do say all dogs go to heaven.

The jury’s out on grizzly bears who attack kids and little people on camping trips in the woods. Then again, how would you feel if somebody broke off into your crib and tried to eat dinner there like nothing was wrong. You just might go all bear on their asses, now mightn’t you?

Back to the point. Michael and Marcus Vick are fuck-ups. Marcus, though not completely understandable at all, at least wasn’t making the big bucks yet. Then again, there is never any excuse for stomping on the leg of a downed player on the field risking major injury to him. I was going to go into his rap sheet, but fuck it, google his ass or check Wikipedia. He’s had numerous run-ins with the law.

And Michael, oh Michael. Savior of Atlanta and godsend to the NFL. He became the damn face of the NFL so you’d THINK that at some point he might say to himself, “Self, perhaps I should stay on the straight and narrow (and not call myself Ron Mexico anymore) and protect the hundreds of millions of dollars I’m making. You know, that sounds like a good idea!”

His self and himself didn’t have that conversation though. So then we have the infamous Ron Mexico fiasco. Mind you, I actually think that the name Ron Mexico is a good damn name…spreading genital herpes and then signing into treatment clinics under an assumed porn-star alias? Not such a good look.

Speaking of not good looks, there’s that little “water bottle” incident that happened on his way out of Miami. I don’t give a shit if the results came back as negative. Why WOULD you use a bottle specifically used for hiding drugs? He might not have been busted that time, but his ass was definitely using that for other shit at other times. Fuck the justice system, I know guilty when I see it.

All eyez on Vick.

Then we have the now infamous and potential career-ending, jail-directing, money-decreasing, Bad Newz Kennelz dogfighting ring. Like I said, I’m kind of neither here nor there on dogfighting. But when you go torturing fuckin’ animals for sheer amusement, well fuck you. And dumbass…he said he had no knowledge of what was going on there.

Man, too bad they have that whole “state’s witness” problem because once niggas start busting out the gymnastics and flipping on your ass, it’s a rap, chico. One cat already flipped. You think he ISN’T going to take Vick down? Fuck it, I don’t ever want to see any parts of jail.

And NOW they’re trying to get him on some RICO shit (google it). He might lose his livelihood AND all of his money. Which all begs the question…

…what exactly was Vick’s momma telling her sons while they wre growing up. Granted they grew up in the projects and there are definitely lessons that are learned the hard way, but these niggas reek of behaviorial- and bad judgement- issues. It’s like they just don’t realize that, “hey, I’ve come from nothing with all of the potential in the world to make millions for what I can do with a ball…but ya know, the measly thousands I can make dogfighting are something I just have to do for my boys…”

Is Michael Vick being targeted? Yep. And its his own damn fault. Was Marcus Vick being targeted? Nope, he’s just an idiot. But the blame all falls on the parents and what they didn’t teach the kids early on…

…do. not. be. a. dumb. nigga.

They must have been at practice that day.

And no, this isn’t a review of the television show on BET. I haven’t watched the show and have no plans to do so. It’s on BET. AND it used to be “Hot Ghetto Mess”. When I said I wanted new original programming at BET, somehow, this isn’t what I envisioned.

Nope.

A few weeks ago now (or sometime last month) a bunch of niggas made strides for the Black community with their attempts at building our long lacking self-esteem and showing the young Black people that we can make it despite whatever obstacles, either historical or present, are lobbed our way.

The NAACP buried the n-word. Now this isn’t news to anybody clearly. This made national news and opinions were plentiful. I didn’t really pay much attention to most opinions because I felt like this was the biggest damn waste of time in the history of wasting time. This is up there with Sheila Jackson-Lee’s uber-fucking-stupid attempts a few years ago to get hurricane’s named after Black people. I wonder how she feels now that motherfucking Katrina wiped out a bunch of niggas. Somebody needs to follow up with her on that one pronto. You know Black people have too much time on our hands when we introduce affirmative action into the weather.

I mean, really.

I also think it was just damn dumb. I’m a big fan of symbolism. I really am; especially symoblism that turns a system on its ear and makes a splash.

Burying the n-word? No splash. The funny shit is that I’m not convinced that none of the niggas in the NAACP don’t use the n-word. It’s just too easy a word to use if you’re Black. It really is. I’ve actually made attempts to stop using it to no avail. No dice. I’m sure I could stop if I really wanted to, but you know what, I like the n-word. Just like I like cursing. Makes for much more spirited conversations.

My main beef with symbolic gestures like the NAACP’s is that it stops there. After the burial there is nothing. There’s no real significance. AND it just sounds like a dumb ass idea. Corny. Contrived. A waste of resources. In fact, I want to know who green lighted this idea. I sincerely hope that this wasn’t on the docket of important business for the NAACP and that somebody just threw this shit out around the watercooler one day and a bunch of niggas ran with it. If it wasted no more than 15 minutes of actual “we could be changing the world” time then I suppose I ain’t but so mad aside from the lack of significane in the aftermath.

But once again, it is the NAACP and my guess it that these niggas have nothing better to do until the next nigga comes along and screams racism somewhere…

Speaking of which, I have to say something here that might be of unfavorable view. But man, niggas owe them Duke Lacrosse players a big motherfucking apology. MAN…I’m so glad I kept my opinion to myself on that one. However it gets to a much bigger issue, and one that will need to be expanded upon in the future.

As Black people, we are so tired of being trampled upon and outcast that when something does go down, we tend to act out emotionally first. There is no judge and jury. Everybody’s guilty. And that does pose a problem. It means that we think too many of our own aren’t guilty and too many other people are guilty. It’s a legitimate reaction-solely based on the amount of shit Black people have had to and still have to go through-but its one that more times than not needs further examination.

Tawanna Brawley anyone? True, indeed, there are more than enough instances where we are completely justified in our reactions and responses, however, when we’re wrong we tend to just move on to the next shit (Al Sharpton) with very little in the way of regretting any mistakes.

Yeah so pretty much, all the problems in the Black community are Al Sharpton’s fault since he’s at the center of all the ruckus in the Black community.

Think about that for a minute.

Anyway, random I know. But its Friday, and I’m bored.

It was written.