[***DISCLAIMER: This post might offend some of you single, well-to-do, upwardly mobile, black women out there who complain about the lack of equally yokeded black men in the population. I just figured I'd let you know upfront and ahead of time. And in case you want to spit venom my way, find your way over to www.idontgiveas***.com ***]

On Sunday, the Washington Post ran an article entitled “Singled Out: In Seeking a Mate, Men and Women Find Delicate Imbalance”. It’s a good article about a young 31 year old woman who has been trying to find a suitable black man to date in the Washington area and the sometimes trials and tribulations that go along with that task. You see, in DC (and surely in every other city across this vast nation of ours), a black woman is at a disadvantage when it comes to finding a black man who is on her “level” to date and eventually marry.

For shame.

In fact, the article points out some very disturbing statistics. Take a gander:

“…31-year-old black woman seeking to marry a black man, which lands her in the heart of the most uncoupled demographic in the United States. For every 100 single black women, there are 70 single black men, according to recent U.S. Census Bureau figures, a number that does not take into account the prison population or men living in group homes. In the Washington area, there are 83 single black men for every 100 single black women.”

Egads! As the article states, it would seem like a dating smorgasboard for me in Washington, DC.

And I suppose that on paper, that would be the case. Hell, I’m a single, educated, sexxy (back), Black man in DC. Technically speaking, I should be tired as hell from all of the women running amok looking for a man. Oh, AND, I’d like to get married (well, for this week anyway).

But there are a few things this article fails to mention. Aside from the obvious fact that there are just more women, especially Black women graduating and getting those well-paying jobs, etc….there is one little facet of human nature that all of these articles totally gloss over.

Let me lay something on the table for you, upfront: women are better people than men are. I will always believe that. I get proof of this fact on damn near a daily basis. I know lots of great men, but I know loads of great women. I see the evil that men do and the Hell that a lot of us put women through.

[***DISCLAIMER #2: This is not to say that women aren't full of shit evil bastards, either. Let's be real, just because it seems that more men are on that non-sense, there are tons of chicks who aren't shit and believe that the crap they do isn't really that problematic either. I just wanted to go on record with that one. Plus, when women decide to be evil, I think they tend to trump anything a dude can think of...youbettaknowdat. ***]

The point to be made about women being better people than men is this: men are more shallow.

Hi, my name is Panama, and I am a shallow fucker. It’s true.

Oh yeah, it’s true.

Thing is, I’m not apologetic about it either. For one, I’m not old enough to not be shallow, and b) I don’t think being shallow is a problem.

Which is where a lot of these problems come in. Allow me to make one significantly fucked up statement that I might actually dispell before I’m done writing this:

All of these single women running around here complaining about not being able to find a man aren’t exactly hot.

As in, a lot of them are unfine.

Being a shallow man, I can attest to this fact.

[***DISCLAIMER #3: Yes, I know that a lot of the women running around single are indeed fine. In fact, I'm often surprised by some of the women I come across who are manless. Which leads me to believe that some women are just as picky as they claim we are. Sure it might not be in looks, but it for damn sure is picky in other areas, like the ability to read. I hear that's a big one. ***]

Let’s be honest here. Just because there is a single man and a single woman out there who have the same levels of education, etc. Fuck it, just because you have two ninjas who are equally yoked does not mean that there should be a connection made. Ideally, it would be nice.

Unfortunately God gifted the majority of us with the ability to see. Sometimes that is a detriment to the dating process. Being the shallow bastard that I am, I’m well aware that there are some women out there who would make great girlfriends, hell, even wives…but I saw them first, which precluded me ever actually wanting to find out anything about them.

Sheesh. In all honestly, how many Hell points do you think I could get for that last paragraph alone?

My guess is beaucoup.

Plus if you throw in the chemistry factor, you’re looking at even less connectivity. We’re talking T-Mobile here…not Cingular.

I’ll use myself as an example. Since 2001, there have been three women in my life who have utterly captured my attention (they were all fine by the way…remember, I’m shallow, I refuse to fall in love with an ugly woman…and the Hell points keep coming). Interestingly, they all taught me things about myself. The first one taught me what I didn’t want in a woman, the second one taught me what I did want and showed me that there are some characteristics I just can’t deal with even if everything else is right, and the third one showed me that what I thought was impossible does actually exist…it just didn’t work out.

However, there have been a gazillion chicks in and around those women who for whatever reason just didn’t quite jive with what I wanted.

All fine. Tastefully nude, but all fine.

I always found it funny though, that nearly all of those women were ready to settle down and be with me for the long haul. Of course, this was my first experience with women really being worried about not finding a man seeing as they pretty much were willing to put up with some bullshit. Like, no lie. Did I take advantage of some of those situations, I suppose you could say that I did.

Then again, I’m also a believer that folks will only do to you what you let them do. Myself included.

My problem with these articles is that they totally leave everything to what the dating scene looks like on paper. And it isn’t only men who are tossing some of these women to the side. It goes both ways. Plus, when you add in the locations of some of these disparities, it adds a whole new layer of problems.

I mean, everybody knows that the further North you go, the more unattractive (on average) the women get.

*waiting on the WHAT THE FUCK? statements from unruly Northern women*

Yeah, I said it.

Despite the assholish nature I’ve displayed here, I do feel bad for women. The numbers don’t lie. There is a male shortage, and I can only date so many women.

That’s a joke.

I mean, 70 men for every 100 women means that no matter what happens, there are going to be some unmarried women out there. And that just doesn’t seem right. Mostly because it seems like the women with the most to offer usually end up being the odd ones out.

*hugs*

And when you throw in Black men dating white women, I suppose the number gets even smaller. That paints a very bleak picture. PLUS so many Black women really do want to marry Black men (as I want to marry a Black woman too), it just seems kind of sad.

On a side note, I’ve always found it funny how many Black women I know who have told me that they don’t know how they’d react to me dating a white woman…

…despite my mother being white.

Which is funny because I think my mother wants me to date a white woman. Or at least that’s how it feels when she tells me I need to be more “diverse” in my dating options. Of course, having a white mother but being raised by a Black woman in a Black household in Black surroundings tends to skew you one particular way…but still. I just don’t seem to get a fair shake on this one.

I do know that a lot of these articles fail to mention the attractiveness ratio that occurs (or doesn’t occur) with a lot of the women they tend to find. I mean, dude, a lot of us are still young enough to care what we’re bringing home. And if you’re like me, you have your own history to compete with. Though, I’m not actually sure I could date a woman who would be classified as a dime (10). I haven’t quite worked that one out in my head, but I think I prefer 8’s.

It seems that most 8’s tend to have come into their 8-dom over time and haven’t been fine forever, which means they don’t have the pretty-girl-for-life attitude that makes them damn near socially unfuckwitable. Basically, I like women who used to be ugly but turned pretty. They’re just more down to Earth.

Man, sometimes I amaze myself with the shit I say.

Chemistry and attractiveness are two facets of this dating demographic that always get left out and I think for our age group (25-34), they’re just as important as the ability to both know who the hell Yoyo Ma is. Besides, all of that culture shit is just what you use to impress the other party anyway. Yeah, it’s great that you’ve been to plays and all but how does that effect if we’re able to laugh at the same things? Or if I take you to my neighborhood you won’t freak the hell out because there are true to life crackheads chillin’ on the corner.

Sure, I’m glad you can read, but do you look good reading naked while we look like two peas in a pod?

Somehow, that simple question always gets left out of these articles.

I’m Black.

It’s a song. It’s a notion. It’s a culture. It’s a physical trait.

It’s apparently also a reason to act up on a whim. Or at least that’s the thought behind so many stupid ass solutions to problems that arise in public establishments.

Probably thought up by other Black people.

Hence, the AEB: The Anti-Ethnicity Brigade.

What is the AEB? It is the braintrust that comes together to determine how best to prevent shit from occurring when ninjas are involved. You’ve probably dealt with the AEB on more occasions than you realize, you just paid it no mind. You see, the AEB looks at a problem and says, “that problem occurred because ninjas were involved. If we remove the catalyst for ninja-like behavior, we shall have a much safer environment.”

Common sense be damned.

Allow me to example-ize the AEB for you.

Recently, my boy The Doc and I went out to eat for a little late night dinner. We ventured to a Ruby Tuesday’s in Washington, DC’s Gallery Place-Chinatown district. As of late, this area is a hot spot after years of being the not spot.

Well, the Doc and I are drinkers. And as is usually the case, when we chose a restaurant to patronize, we make sure that spirits are available. I usually order Long Island Iced Teas. I like them.

The Doc ordered a Hennessey and Coke. This conversation ensued:

Waiter: Sorry dog, we don’t have Henny or Yac (slangustic for Cognac).

The Doc: Umm…why?

Waiter: We had a brawl in her you know and ninjas were acting up so we don’t sell that anymore.

Me and The Doc look at eachother in puzzled look…then look at the waiter…

Me: But you still sell other liquor right? So you all assume that just because you DON’T give ninjas Henny, they’ll act right? Perhaps we’ll just get souped up on vodka instead then fuck some shit up…Vodka style. Um…that’s dumb.

What you have just witnessed is complete idiocy in practice.

Somebody thought that it would be a good idea to stop serving ninjas Henny because apparently when full of Henny or Yac do we act a fool. I beg to differ. I believe we act a fool with or without liquor.

As we all know, pride is the number one killer of Black males between the ages of birth and death.

Liquor just makes the brawls bigger seeing as how a bunch of drunk ninjas aren’t going to be as accurate or careful as to not hurt themselves as a bunch of sober ninjas would. And even that’s being liberal as a bunch of ninjas in a brawl don’t really care what they damage, drunk or not.

But really, they still sell shots. They still sell vodka and whiskey. I STILL got a Long Island Iced Tea and my boy, The Doc? Just ordered a Jack and Coke.

Have you ever had Jack Daniels? There are white men in Tennessee fighting RIGHT now because they have too much Jack in their system. Oh yes, and Alabama and Mississippi too.

Verse 2, sippin’ on some OE brew…

…so there is an Applebee’s in Bed-Stuy in Brooklyn now. My boy, The Most Shady, lives in Bed-Stuy. When it opened, we both decided that we had to get in there on a Friday night because you KNOW that ninjas in the Stuy don’t know how to act already, so just imagine what could go down at Applebee’s!

Yes, ignorance and trees grow in Brooklyn.

Well, we haven’t made it here on a Friday night, but we did go on a Saturday afternoon. There were 4 of us going, and all three of the males had on hats. We get to the door and the bouncer (yes, a freakin’ bouncer) informs me that I have to remove my hat.

STOP.

Have you been to Applebee’s before? Not to say that it isn’t fine dining, but it’s not fine dining. Shit, I should be able to walk in there with a cut off t-shirt that says “I smack monkeys around like Ike got Tina”. Oh, right, apparently I can as long as I’m not wearing a hat. Now for some reason, this ri-damn-diculous policy made sense to my boys. Which makes no sense to me. It’s fuckin’ Applebee’s. They’re logic was that we’re in Bed-Stuy, which I can only take to mean that potentially you want to stop ninjas from being facially invisible in the attempt that some shit goes down. Fair enough, but no.

Another idea that was thrown out was that it was no different than the club where they have a dress code. Um, bullshit. It’s a fuckin’ restaurant, and not a top shelf one at that. A club has a certain reputation it may be trying to uphold. And that logic MIGHT work at Applebee’s if the waitresses perhaps weren’t tatted up like 50 Cent or gold-chained down like Run-DMC, or weren’t hair weaved up like any ghetto chick.

Further, it’s not a chainwide policy, it’s just that particular Applebee’s. Most likely due to location.

Maybe if they had a dress code as a whole, I’d look at it differently. No hats is not a dress code. I stand by that. Seems like another case of the AEB to me. Trying to say that if we remove hats from ninjas that either 1) we can see the criminals if they try to rob us (which is dumb…who the fuck robs restaurants? but it is Bed-Stuy I suppose anything is possible), or 2) they will act right…

…which we ALL know is just farcical. I could deal with a full dress code better than just removing my hat. Make me take out my removable grill. Or take off the limo-tint sunglasses I’m wearing…or perhaps the Tech-9 that I have under my jacket.

Maybe I’m just optimistic, but I believe that if a ninja wants to act up, he will. We have that kind of spirit. If I want to rob you, then by jove, I’m going to rob you, not because I will be successful, but because I believe in myself and my abilities.

It’s more of a glass half full approach.

I’m well aware that at times one must take the proper precautions to make sure that if you let certain people in, your establishment has at least a 51 percent chance of remaining intact once they leave. Then again, you never know what might set a person off or that the measures you take are actually going to work.

Here’s a straight forward analogy for you: Not serving Hennessey or Cognac in a restaurant in hopes of pre-empting ninja-like behavior while STILL serving all the other spirits (including Tequila and shit), is like using Saran Wrap to give a woman head but then having sex with her without a condom. In 2006.

It was written.

Pat Buchanan was on Bill Maher’s show yesterday (or whenever it was taped) speaking about immigration and the emergency that America faces if we don’t do something to shore up our immigration policy.

Now, I usually don’t find myself agreeing with Pat Buchanan but perhaps I was feeling “patriotic” or something yesterday because he was making some good points and had me believing that if we don’t close up the border that aliens will come into our great nation and evaporate all of our resources.

Okay, that’s not true at all and I’m still not sure how I feel about immigration but he did make some compelling arguments against illegal immigration.

And since I’m a direct product of immigration, I tend to pay attention at times.

One of Buchanan’s points was that 1 in 12 of these 12 million illegal immigrants (that’s a lot) are criminals and succumb to a rap culture and a violent culture, hence causing them to commit more crimes.

Woe is me, there we go with the blame game again. And for the first time I wasn’t even mad about it. Rap culture is everything that’s wrong with American society as it encompases all the other wrongs. You need prostitution? Rap game has it. Gunplay? Rap game has it. Oversexxed black males? Rap game has it.

So fuck it, blame rap for everything. Cool.

As long as from here on out, I get to blame all of rap’s problems on slavery and white people.

Yep, fuckin’ right.

And let’s be real, when white people blame rap music, they’re really blaming Black culture. Argue that if you want. You’re thesis will be rejected.

The next time I hear somebody blame anything on rap music, I’m going to turn right back around and say its all white people’s fault for enslaving a bunch of ninjas so many years ago and making us have to rap.

Stupid? Definitely. Clearly we don’t have to rap. But fuck it. We do. But its also stupid to blame all social ills on rap and rappers, like Tupac made somebody rob you. Being broke mad that ninja rob you, Tupac just gave him the theme music to do so.

It’s gotten so easy and cliche to blame shit on rap music that it sounds like an automatic response. Politicians, pastors, teachers, researchers, etc…they all have managed to find some way to blame rap for whatever ill of society occurs this week. There have been shoddy “scientific” studies that say people who listen to rap music are more violent, have sex more, use drugs more, blah blah blah.

Okay.

Slavery.

Yep, that even includes white folks because there can’t be slaves without slaveowners. My argument is that the descendents of slaveowners who were out there sneaking to rape black women secretly love Black shit so those are the ones who get so caught up in Black culture now. Which would include, this violent, misogynistic rap culture that promotes the same values that the slaveowners exacted into their slaves so long ago.

Yep.

Slavery.

I remember once that I was walking around southwest DC and these two white boys who quite obviously only listen to rap music drove by blasting their terrible rap music loud as the fuck. It was like 1pm on a Tuesday. I saw a bunch of white folks (and black folks actually) looking with disgust as these two fuckers serenaded the entire working district with their overworked subwoofers.

I got to thinking, “I wonder if these white folks think this is all Black people’s fault because of rap music?”

I’d wager yes.

However, had they said anything about it out loud, I would have been well within my right mind to say, “you can blame the rap music and us ninjas, but it’s your fault for putting us in a position to be status hogs and have to wear our success on our sleeves since you took everything we ever had back in the 16, 17, and 1800’s. Oh yes, let’s not forget the 1900’s either since we just STARTED to be ABLE to be integrated into white society. Though I do love how racism has managed to erase itself from the American psyche in such a short amount of time, don’t you?”

Word to Bob Jones University.

I love how this country is so quick to pretend like slavery was such a thing of the past and that what was started back then stopped in 1865 when slavery was “abolished”. If you bring up slavery, white folks (some, not all, let me be very clear on that) are quick to tell you that it wasn’t them so they shouldn’t be held accountable for the actions of their ancestors. Fair point.

But if motherfuckers can still be rich off cotton money, then why is it that other motherfuckers can’t still be poor because of it?

So yes, the next time somebody wants to blame Curtis Jackson, I’m blaming Stonewall Jackson.

God Bless America.

One of my favorite folks from Atlanta, T, dropped off this little article in my comments section this morning courtesy of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution and the fine folks at Black Enterprise Magazine:

Morehouse loses top spot in ranking

Not only did Morehouse, my beloved alma mater and locale of the best four years of my life, lose its number one spot…

…it tumbled down to the #45 slot.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Now I know that a lot of people out there are talking reckless, and you can bet your bottom dollar people are talking shit since folks love to knock us Morehouse fellas down a peg or two from our self-made pedestal in the Black community and HBCU universe.

Every time these bogus rankings come out (and I’ll get to why their bogus in a minute) every body who went to an HBCU loves to toss around their ranking or tell Morehouse that we ain’t shit. It’s a standard ritual. I remember when I was at Morehouse and Spelman overtook us for the #1 slot all the mudslinging that was going back and forth between the ‘House and the fine upstanding women at Spelman.

But alas, these rankings really don’t amount to shit. They didn’t amount to shit when Morehouse was ranked number one and they don’t amount to shit now.

And the crowd said…”jigga what?? jigga who??”

“Panama, what you talking about Willis?”

First of all, let’s discuss this rumble (young man rumble) from the top slot all the way down to the 45 slot. Do you mind? Then let us tally ho..

The Atlanta college, ranked No. 1 for the past two of the biennial rankings, fell to No. 45 on the latest list, in part, the magazine said, because of its comparatively low graduation rates.

This year, the magazine surveyed more than 500 African-American education professionals who rated the schools based on their black student graduation rates, academic and social environments, total black undergraduate enrollment, percentage of black undergrads and 2004 ranking.

And according to the article and an editor for Black Enterprise Magazine, graduation rates were given the highest priority.

Everybody here can read right? Good. Then let’s discuss this.

In 2004, Morehouse was ranked as the #1 best college for African-Americans. Which means that in 2004, all of the criteria that were used placed Morehouse squarely at the top. Including in 2004, an atrocious graduation rate.

Let me tell you all a little something about Morehouse. Our graduation rate blows chunks. I remember reading somewhere a long time ago where our 6-year graduation rate was only at like 66%. A whole 2/3 of all black men that came into Morehouse were actually going to graduate in 6-years. Me and my boys graduated in 4 which makes us something like some wunderkinds or something. Either way, that news isn’t exactly groundbreaking, but its a fact about Morehouse.

A sizeable percentage of men that show up aren’t going to graduate. It’s the case now and it was the case back then.

…Morehouse’s graduation rate fell from 56 percent to 49 percent in the time frame the magazine used to determine rankings…

I’m not exactly sure if that’s the 4-year rate or if that’s the 6-year rate, either way it does blow. However, you’re telling me that in 2004, that shitty rate was enough to get us into the #1 slot, but 2 years later it drops 7 points and it causes you a 44 spot slide? Granted, they said that graduation rates got higher priority, but even still, assuming everything else stayed the same (faulty assumption but without them saying we suck other places I have nothing to go on…they focused on graduation rates, not me, the fuckers), and given all of the improvements Morehouse has made in every other area from their capital plans to academic programs, the professionals surveyed must have only looked at graduation rates.

Hell, it was enough to drop Spelman, a school that even makes it into the US News and World Reports for liberal arts colleges, ranking to #5.

Dude, it’s Spelman. They graduate. And they still get dropped to #5. They were #3 in 2004. Do you really think I believe that?

Hell Clark-Atlanta University was #10 in 2004…now?? Ghost like Patrick Swayze.

But okay, according to those surveyed, Morehouse fuckin’ sucks. Okay…I can live with that.

Then again…it’s a survey. Granted, it’s one that people place a lot of stock in. Not I.

For one…it’s a damn survey. They asked 500 ninja’s of professional stature to rate the schools and assumingly gave them the main criteria to focus upon. According to the 2003 (released in 2004) rankings, they used 1,855 ninja professionals to rate the schools, so I have to wonder why the dropoff in included parties. Any person worth their weight in statistical salt knows that the greater your sample size the better the results.

There were no statistical methods used to determine this here. My guess is that they asked the 500 ninjas to look over the information that they had and give their ranking based on that information.

And maybe that’s good enough, but you can’t convince me that US News does that shit. And you know what, for all the years that Morehouse has been ranked #1 in Black Enterprise, we’ve been ranked like NON-EXISTENT over at US News.

Do you know what kind of shift you have to have in your examination of criteria to cause a school to actually lose 44 slots? That shit sounds like the school lost accrediation or something to me…and of course this all supposes that real stock is being placed in these rankings.

And you know what, people do. And people will. I just did a google search of Black Enterprises College Rankings for 2006 and all kinds of schools placed their ranking on their site. And hell, why not, if you win some shit, fuck it, run with it. Who cares if you didn’t even know if you were nominated.

Word to Michael Jackson.

This is undoubtedly big news in the HBCU community and will be cause for concern at Morehouse and to a lesser extent at Spelman and poor Clark…they just got fucked.

As my boy Maverick just said, “Like, are you seriously telling me that Clark is not one of the top 50 Black Colleges??? There are only 112…”

Indeed.

And half of them you haven’t even heard of before.

Even though I don’t put much stock into this, I did enjoy hearing about how Morehouse College ninjas thought they were the shit…

…oh wait, that won’t change, and we are.

You can tell a Morehouse Man, but you can’t tell him much.

And you can’t tell me that these rankings mean much of shit either. Like I said, they didn’t mean much when we were ranked #1 and they don’t mean much now. Sure, it was good for a little HBCU tension and pseudo-elitism. And yes, I’m sure quite a few folks are foaming at the mouth for the opportunity to put Morehouse on blast.

Then again, those are all the same folks who would tell me that they got a scholarship to go to Morehouse (or Spelman), but went to Tougaloo College instead because it was a better opportunity. And that’s no shot at Tougaloo, I’m just saying that we hear these things.

To anybody who went to another HBCU and wants to take shots at the King…please feel free. We probably deserve it.

However, it’s still Morehouse College.

Two words.

Enough said.

“This Philly cat back it…” ~ Beanie Sigel, “Guess Who’s Bizzack” from Scarface’s album, The Fix

Bill Cosby is back at it again.

Actually, I assume he never stopped and has been travelling the country pissing off black people left and right with his chastising of those in the Black community that he feels simply aren’t doing their part.

Well, he’s gone to taking shots at the hip-hop community…finally.

I say finally because it seems slightly perplexing to me that after all of his thousands of rants and raves (and illegitimate children) across the nation, he seems to have left hip-hop alone. There has been little mention of how horrible rap music is or how denigrating it is to Black women or how violent it is.

I mean, c’mon Bill, even white people know that rap music is to blame for all the country’s ills. Which makes me wonder how out of touch he really is.

I know I’m making a leap here, but seriously, when discussing how fucked up the inner city is, EVERYBODY takes shots at rap. Rappers take shots at hip-hop. White people, Jewish people, Dominicans, aliens…

…pastors, bakers, candlestick makers, cobblers, wobblers, librarians…

…Presidents, Vice Presidents, Mexicans…

…well you get the point.

They all take shots at hip-hop.

For fuck’s sake, Bill…how is it possible that you completely missed out on assigning blame for the ills of Black people to the culprit that causes the Black community to devolve into the guntoting, pound-cake stealing, non-reading bastards that we are? Especially when so many of your contemporaries never miss an opportunity to do so.

Which leads me to two possible conclusions: 1) he actually doesn’t think hip-hop is that much of a problem and is more concerned about the root cause of the issue; or…

STOP!

This just in: Bill Cosby Addresses Absentee Fathers and Criticizes Hip-Hop (click on link to go to Allhiphop.com article)

Oh well.

So the only other conclusion I have is this, 2) Bill Cosby hasn’t been paying attention and finally turned on either BET or MTV or the radio or just so happened to be listening to some shit a grandchild or somebody played and was offended and decided to attack hip-hop now as well.

There is no way in 7th Hell that you can go years chastising the “lower dredges” of Black society without criticizing rap unless you just aren’t paying attention…

…which is what I tend to do with Bill Cosby now. It’s hard to pay attention to him when everything he says seems so doggone persnickety. And I’m not even saying he doesn’t make any legit points, but its all in the delivery Bill. You should learn from Rakim or Kane or AZ. Delivery Bill, delivery.

Every good rapper has a good delivery. It’s why we listen to dumb shit all the time…that and it usually sounds good.

Oh, and he’s wrong on this point:

“They put the word ‘nigga’ in a song, and we get up and dance to it,” Cosby said.

Not true, Bill. We get up and dance to it because it’s on.

Unless of course it’s Yung Joc’s song “It’s Going Down” which, I mean, just totally rocks, in which case we get up and dance to it because we all want to do the dance that goes with it.

Oh yes, and do the “have you ever seen a Chevy with the butterfly doors” part. That part is fly.

I’m just wondering when all of these critics of the lower class, especially the Black ones, are going to decide to attack the circumstances that led to this shit. All of the problems we have now aren’t new. In fact, none of them are new. The same problems that were present in the 50s and 60s are present today.

The difference now is that white America is fascinated by this culture and puts it all over television. And since they’re fascinated, they find us ninja’s to keep it up…it’s a vicious cycle really.

People are well within their rights to get upset at the state of Black America, and hell, hip-hop. But rarely is anybody doing shit to combat the very problems that we so often rail against.

Fuckin’ armchair activists, that’s what it seems like most of us are. Granted, I wouldn’t put Bill Cosby in that boat, and in some ways I suppose he’s earned the right to be a crochety old fuck. I think I’d just appreciate it more if I felt like he wasn’t so out of touch on some of these things.

Because now he just seems like he’s whining. And messages get lost in the whining.

When was the last time you wanted to do anything for somebody who was whining to you about something? It was like 10 minutes before never for me.

“This is a great evening because we’re calling on men to come claim their children,” said Cosby, who spoke for 20 minutes before joining a panel to field questions. “And that’s part of being a man. You cannot be a man at all if you haven’t claimed your child. Some of you have three, four, five of them. You have more children than you have jobs.”

This is kind of tangential, but I always have a problem with these speeches. Namely, it seems like he’s preaching to the choir. The very fathers he’s talking about probably aren’t there listening to him nor would they care.

And that crosses all color lines.

Many people posit that the family structure is what has the Black community mired in stagnation.

I agree with that too, and I wonder how you make that point to the fathers who aren’t there because those are the ones that need to hear it most.

More questions, fewer answers.

It’s not easy being Black.

Or hip-hop for that matter.

Or at least that’s what the headline would say if I was writing for a major newspaper.

Of course that assumes any major newspaper would give a shit about what happens on BET. Either they don’t know, don’t show, or just don’t care about what goes on over at BET.

Rightfully so too.

In case you haven’t heard, it’s been reported (this article via Allhiphop) that BET has cancelled BET: UnCut after a six year run. I don’t know about you but I’m fairly conflicted about this for a few reasons.

For one, I like UnCut. Not from a quality standpoint but more from a social good standpoint. Where else are non-talented rappers and busted chicks who didn’t make the cut in quality videos going to get a shot now? Public access?? I’m sure they have some kind of screening process for public access channels. BET clearly does not, but isn’t that the joy of BET?

As much shit as I talk about BET I have to give them credit for always looking out for the little guy. Nearly every rapper on UnCut is some guy with a video camera and some luchini to spend who decides he wants to rap one day. How else do you get guys named Black Jesus making songs called “Tell Me What That Thing Smell Like”? And he isn’t talking about the air freshener. And for the record, that might have been one of the most entertaining videos ever to hit television.

And what of the guy from Alaska who’s name eludes me. In this particular video, he had video hoes shaking that ass against a backdrop of the freakin’ mountains. The guys? They had on parkas. The girls? They wore the standard UnCut paraphanalia: g-string and g-string looking bra.

I was happier after seeing that video.

BET was the place where non-talented black people had their shot. And I’ve said it before, but video hoes provide a service to the community that other women will not do. They exist so that loser men may look successful. And you can’t just manufacture that kind of commitment, it has to be sincere.

Viva la video hoes.

Another point of conflict is this: despite liking UnCut for its entertainment value (I can appreciate good ignorance) it really was quite an asstastic mess of a show and put our male/female problems right on front street. Yeah I like seeing scantilly clad women but good got damn. We sure know how to take shit too far, don’t we? Some of the shit I’ve seen on that show surprised the living shit out of me. Women really will go a long way for some shine. And men, well we’ll let women go a long way for some shine.

Then there’s the other point. BET, in all of its uberfuckery, ran UnCut for 6 years. They cut Cita’s World after a few and cut Ed Gordon’s shit for budget reasons. Which makes me think this wasn’t any kind of moral reason though I wouldn’t be surprised at some point if they tried to spin that. Hell this is the same station that claimed it didn’t show Coretta Scott-King’s funeral because it wanted to offer a different viewing experience…which was videos.

I hate BET.

Point being though, this clearly wasn’t a decision they wanted to make but it seems kind of strange as I can’t imagine UnCut was costing them money. It was probably one of the few shows where artists would pay to get some burn. Shoot uncut versions of videos, throw in some video hoes and some credit cards and voila, bingo bango…you’re on TV. I suppose my conflict on that point is that I feel like they were forced to cancel it and that’s just not fair.

Oh what a twisted web I weave.

Truthfully it should have been cancelled long ago. Women’s groups quietly protested the show blowing up with the Spelman College tirade a few years back. But BET and UnCut kept it moving. Oh yes, fuck Bob Johnson (for good measure). So why now? Why cut the show now? I know there was no social conscience, but it seemed like a cheap ass show to run.

Which leads me to my fully conflicted conclusion:

I think BET is finally going under.

I think its on the way out and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Despite my disdain for BET, I don’t openly boycott the station, I just don’t remember its there. There isn’t a single show on BET that I need to see…so I rarely end up on that station. I still think that BET could turn itself around and in some ways I kind of wish it would but the two new shows they’re rolling out (one with Keysia Cole and the other with DMX) aren’t really going to get people flocking to BET. UnCut was the staple that people flocked too.

So I’m kind of torn here. On the one hand, I don’t really give a shit about BET and it hasn’t been worth shit for years now, but what if it is on the way out?

Which brings up the most important question of all…

…where will all the aint-getting-a-shot-at-TV-nowhere-else hosts and shit go if BET goes under?

Unemployment in the black community might be on the way up.

Hold me.

[***This will be another Panama-length post. Stop working and take a 30 minute break. ***]

So India.Arie is not her hair.

She’s also not that great a singer or a talent, but let’s not let my personal biases against mediocre, over-hyped music get in the way of objective analysis.

See also: Alicia Keys.

India.Arie has a new song getting rotation on vh1 Soul entitled “I’m Not My Hair”. Though I more often than not change channels when I see it and have yet to really listen to the lyrics, I’m pretty sure I have a good idea where she’s going with it.

[***Sidenote: Have you noticed how much time India.Arie puts into telling us what she's not? She's not the average chick in the video (no shit Sherlock), she's not her hair, she's not caught up into the materialism of it all ("Little Things" which I hated with the passion of Mel Gibson. Construction through deconstruction, eh? I still don't think her music is that great or moving. In fact, I just created this sidenote so I could reinforce the fact that neither India or Alicia Keys is particularly overwhelmingly talented, they're just "positive" so the accolades come. Sad sad times we live in. And oh yes, kiss my ass if you think I'm just hating. ***]

It’s an ever-present reminder to not judge books by their cover. Many women with myriad hairdoes across the nation, especially of the darker persuasion, wish to not be judged by their hair or boxed into whatever stereotype their hair represents. Oh how cruel society can be for looking at a part of your chosen appearance and making some sort of (un)informed opinion about you.

Let me just cut the shit here, you can see through my obvious sarcasm that I like to call bullshit on this notion. But I’m not calling bullshit on the notion in its entirety, but just from the ONLY group of women who run this brouhaha into the ground: the alleged/assumed/stereotped “deep” crowd of women with the natural hair or locs that refuses to succumb to society’s (read white folks) requirement to have relaxed hair that conforms to the white aesthetic.

Women’s liberation lives on.

It is my understanding that relaxed hair is easier to manage. I could be wrong on that, but I’ve been told that from nearly all the women in my life with relaxed hair. If that is the case, then growing ones hair out in its natural African splendor or locking one’s hair is not only a societal rebellion but a conscious decision to retain God’s given goods. It is in fact…

…a statement of sorts.

And I’m all for statements. If you have something to say, then by all means say it. The more controversial the better. Now the funny shit here is that most of the controversy involved here comes from the stereotype that in some ways, women with the “hair” (as it will be called from here on out) run themselves right into, but don’t want to be a party to in the first place.

Common sense be damned.

And that’s where I get to calling bullshit. You see, not a SINGLE woman I know with the “hair” isn’t or hasn’t been on some sort of “enlightened” kick at some point in their lives. Lovers of all things natural from natural soaps and organic shit and lovers of the beauty of the outside and the grass and how we are all connected to the Earth and must take advantage of all that. And I’m not judging at all, I actually think thats great. More people should probably be into the natural order of things and want to preserve and enjoy the world’s resources and the like. And I’m all for enlightenment.

Further, it seems that when most black women go through some sort of major life change, often times, their hair becomes the subject of debate; whether or not to cut it, to lock it, to just let it grow into its natural state. In many ways, a woman’s hair does represent a lot about her. Not to say that it is the only facet of her, but it is a major part. The thing is, the only group that runs around wishing to not be judged by their hair is the women with the “hair”. And its because the rest of us aren’t nuts and have been exposed to so many women with the “hair” that some sort of opinion can be created.

Women with relaxers don’t run into this problem and it could very well be a societal, white-induced thing. If you see a woman with a perm, well, that just seems normal. Permed hair doesn’t really stand out. If you see a woman with the helicopter hair do, well, her ass is just ghetto. You are what you eat and you reap what you sow. But for those of us who can read, which would be everybody reading this right now, when you see a woman with big hair or locs (the “hair) we do tend to assume certain things about them.

That they rock earthtones and headwraps, read Sonia Sanchez, like ankh’s, wear jewelry with amber and are all about some sort of enlightenment or something. All of those things can, sometimes for right sometimes for wrong, be assumed from seeing a woman out with the “hair”. And yes it is wrong to make such assumptions…but umm…

…how often are you wrong?

When was the last time you met a woman with the “hair” that had the best of Ying Yang Twins bumping in their ride? They get lumped into the “concious” crowd by men and women alike because for the most part, they don’t exactly do anything to counter that title. You go to their homes they have books about women’s liberation, feminism, and spirituality, amidst the music of the the “deep” crowd who has an appreciation for “quality” music. The homes are filled with incense and the like.

Yes, I’m stereotyping, but how how often am I completely offbase? I’m not saying all women with the “hair” are like that, but I’m guessing that I’m not as wrong as India.Arie might have me believe. And I think that’s where the problem with the “hair” comes in and why so many of women rocking the “hair” always clamor at that statement.

They don’t want to be boxed in or labeled into something that makes being ignant or ghetto contrary to the image that is being portrayed. Granted, I come down hard on many of “deep” brothers and sisters, but its usually at the inauthenticity of some of it. I just think its funny that people go so far out of their way to put out an image that is reflective of a certain persona. Mostly because there isn’t much variance. It’s an all or nothing thing. I’m deep, so I must wear all things deep or do all things deep people do. I suppose its largely a phase thing that many people grow out of, but oh well, it’s still funny.

Being characterized by your hair means that when you get to shakin’ that ass to Nelly or the Ying Yang Twins, people might look at you funny. And that’s not fair. Just because she loves Che Guevara and Assata Shakur doesn’t mean she can’t enjoy the music of Ying Yang while shunning the lyrics. It’s party music right? And she likes to party. Why come she can’t get her “Salt Shaker” on in peace without folks being like, “dang girl, i didn’t think you’d get down like that?”

You know what’s really funny about this, it’s that women with the “hair” often get stereotyped up. As in, we tend to expect something from them for whatever reason. You expect to go into their homes and be transported into a sea of understanding and knowledge. Sad to say, if you go into the home of a chick with a perm, and you see the home of a “deep” chick, you’re often surprised in some sort. I know I am. It may be wrong, but fuck you.

Not to say that I don’t expect permed out chicas to read, but when you get the Mother Africa treatment, it just kind of takes you aback, then you realize you can’t judge a book by its cover. She may be the flyest chick on the planet, but there’s more to her than meets the eye. And that is why this whole phenomena is so funny to me. Women with the “hair” want to be regarded as normal people…hell, they just want to get the freedom to be a multi-faceted fuck-up with ignorant tastes like everybody else, whereas other women get the “wow, you READ???” face when you enter their homes.

And, to reiterate, I understand that your hair alone does not make you who you are, but it does say something about you, when you decide to (this is going to be the dumbest shit I’ve ever said…so bear with me), shun the status quo and wear your hair the way God intended.

Yes I felt dumber for saying that.

And see that’s the problem: you are your hair. It makes a statement about you. It’s just not the whole you, and I understand wanting to be recognized as a whole person and not boxed in to some perception that YOU are giving off. But its funny the labels we reject, isn’t it? Nobody wants to reject being labeled smart, well read, or thinking, yet often times those are the very assumptions we make from checking out a woman’s hair and her persona (which often fits the stereotype we adorn due to their hair). Women with the “hair” want the opportunity to be just as ignant as the rest of us with out raising an eyebrow. Thing is, its not even usually the “hair” alone that does it. It’s the whole package, from afar.

Apparently the biggest problem that comes with the “hair” is the assumptions that go along with it. The women who have to scream that they aren’t their hair just don’t want folks to assume anything about them, be it true or not. But when you make certain statements, assumptions arise. Your hair is your statement when you chose to go the “hair” route.

But to counter that, I suggest wearing a Ying Yang Twins shirt. That will throw people off and make sure that nobody judges you by your cover.

Then drop it likes its hot…

…on the bus…

Stereotype. Dissolved.

“In all of my experiences of living, most black women dating white men tend to be more on the darker side of the shade tree. I don’t know if lighter women are just on a quest for more color in their children’s lives or what, but you just don’t see that very often. I have a theory on this…” -an excerpt from a post entitled Tired Black Man: Negro Please! courtesy of His Royal Sexxiness and Purveyor of All Things Symbiotically Good aka Panama Jackson

In the comments section of that post, Brick said that she’d like to hear this theory. As the man who makes it a job to give the people what they want, I shall lay out my theory on this.

I’m nice like that. And sexxy enough to do it.

As an aside, me and some of my boys actually have rules on that type of thing, though we break them quite often. One of our rules has been to “always give the people what they want” though it usually involves proliferation of the feminine spirit. Of course, it is only the case when you can do so, i.e. you’re not in a relationship of any sorts or when you won’t step on your God’s toes in the process. And you think Bill Maher started that New Rule shit? We’ve been coming up with new rules since 1997.

Center of Excellence, bitches. Center of Excellence.

Now to the theory.

If you pay attention to most of the interracial black woman-white man couples you see, you’ll probably notice a few things about them. For one, the white man doesn’t usually look like the kind of white dude who would be seriously dating a black woman, Paul Walls of the world excepted. He usually looks more like, Kevin James. Your garden variety regular white dude. This has always baffled me because like any other true blue American, I succumb to racial stereotypes just like the next person, and that combo just rarely makes sense to me.

Two, you will usually notice that its usually the more dark sisters who are dating the white dudes. And by darker, I mean the less light light skinneded. Basically, if you’re actual degree of darktivity is debatable, but the term light-skinned is ALWAYS the first option, then I’m not talking about you.

You know, I really should start chronicling these random terms I create and compile them into some sort of Panamictionary. That idea has actually been suggested to me for a few years now. I’m just lazy.

On the surface, it seems like it might be some sort of complex subconscious psychological thing that causes light skinned women to not date white men while their darker sisters partake of the other other white meat.

You know, as I am typing, I just queried The After Party Hostess because I didn’t know what the first white meat was. I mean I knew that pork was the other white meat, but I wasn’t sure what the original white meat was. She informed me that it was chicken. I have just disappointed the black community in ways no other man has done in years. It hasn’t been this bad since the Great Watermelon Fiasco of 1994.

*hangs head in shame*

I contend that the reasons for these dating trends are quite simple. As black people, we are the only race (to a lesser extent Indians from India and Arabs) that can actually do pre-screened color matching. Yes, the stereotype about black people is true; we care so much about aesthetics that we will usually try to match ourselves with appropriately colored counterparts as a means of taking more balanced pictures and creating more creatively colored children.

Go on ahead and marinate on that for a minute.

*humming “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash*

I never said the shit was deep.

Think about this (dammit, you know that whenever somebody tells you to think about something, they think they are bringing some depth), most black people are usually totally miffed when white people think we all look alike since our colors vary (thanks to the institution of slavery and black woman rape) so much that you can literally have a good thousand shades of “black”. White people and Asians on the other hand, well, excuse my ignorance here, actually fuck you if you’re offended, look WAY more alike on any given day than two black people who don’t have the same parents. As far as I’m concerned, they’re all cousins.

Now that’s just part of it. There are other pieces at play here of darker and vile conception. Or not.

It has been my observation as well that most light-skinned women would rather date a darker skinned man. Now this could have psychological ramifications. Potentially the fuckedupedness that we in the black community have passed down amongst ourselves over hundreds of years continues to rear its ugly head here. As a means of staying “black” and having “black children” light skinned people tend to look for the blacker the berry counterparts. Men and women do this.

Panama Pon-de-river Fession (similar to a confession but coming from Panama): I have a thing for darker sisters. I always have. My last few girlfriends have been of the lighter variety and that has always presented a dilemma for me. You see, I’m mixed. Feel free to *gasp* now if you weren’t aware. This means I’m kind of on the light side. I have nieces and nephews and all of those little kids are light. What I’m getting at here is that, I want my kids to have some color. Or I would like to at least give my kids a shot at some color. Chances are that might not happen, but still. On the other end, I really just love darker skinned women. I’m gonna sound like a racist here but fuck you, I just love dark skin tones and how flawless it looks a lot of time. A nice chocolate woman will get my attention a good 10 out of 10 times. Assuming of course that she doesn’t look like Grace Jones or India.Arie.

Now, I’m not suggesting that light skinned women are somehow “apologizing” for their skin tone by seeking out darker men, I’m just saying that coupled with the aesthetic nature of black people, maybe its just one of those things that is bound to happen. And you have to admit, family pictures always look good with people of two different complexions. You may disagree, but you will be wrong.

All that to say, light skinned women and white men don’t actually make for good pictures. And I think we are all aware of this. Plus, given the fact that a higher percentage of light skinned black women tend to be of the militant variety (including mixed black women), it’s just hard to date a white man when your idol is Malcolm X.

Of course, there is a caveat there too. A lot of lighter women are indeed mixed. And they may have grown up in a house where naivete was the meal du jour where the kids are told to believe that color is not an issue in America in which case that light skinned woman might date white men…until reality hits her like a MAC truck one day, and then she totally flips the script back to the better picture-fitting darker skinned man.

Now to the dark skinned women.

Are you still reading? Because this shit is getting long.

I think that darker women dating white men is a function of the white man being wholly attracted to black women in general, as well as his white women counterparts, and the black woman just being openminded and probably also tired of trifling black menses.

I think that a white dude interested in black women, on a strictly physical level, would more likely than not be interested in the darker women. You can throw that whole exotic thing into the equation if you want, but I think it comes down to this (and yes it is stereotype induced): If a white man is going to date a black woman, he wants to date a black woman, not some lightskinned chick with permed straight hair that could be mistaken as a dark skinned white girl (big ups to Murs). He wants a real no questions asked black woman. Maybe she has her hair permed too, but her complexion tells him all he needs to know. No mistaking her. Plus, the pictures will look nice and colorful.

From the black woman’s end, she is not usually worried about her kids skin tone (like light skinned people) therefore she can throw caution to the wind and date somebody of another race and possibly have kids because she will still be contributing to the black community. And since, stupid as this shit is, a lot of light skinned dudes (from what I’ve been told and shit) don’t like dating darker women (since we are pretty ignant in the black community) and dark skinned men want light women (see prior ignorance) dark women will find them an appropriate white man, if she’s at all interested.

You see, some of this has complicated ends to it, but really, the foremost reason why dark skinned women date white men, and light skinned women don’t is:

Its all about the Polaroids.

End theory.

By now, nearly everybody should have seen the 3:26 clip from some upcoming low-budget, homey next door filmed, movie Diary of a Tired Black Man.

One of the tag lines reads: Now it’s the mens turn to exhale.

Indeed, it is.

If you haven’t, I highly suggest that you do so now. In fact, if you haven’t, I’ll wait.

*humming “Sailing” by Christopher Cross*

You back? Good. Pretty interesting premise isn’t it, though not very original. If the movie follows the trailer, it is essentially a white-woman-dating-black-man’s wet dream, with extra emphasis on dream, for what would happen if he was ever confronted with the decision he made to date a white woman. I happen to find the clip to be downright comedic since nobody can really act and damn near everything about the preview is preposterously un-fuckin’-realistic to the nth degree.

Shall we begin? Yes, let us. But first, I must proffer a definition for those non-slanguists in the audience or those unfamiliar with urban terminology.

son. defintion (1) noun. the male offspring of a man and a woman. if in the black community, 8 times out of 10, at 12 he will become the man of the house because his father has disappeared; (2) verb. to completely quiet or shut down somebody in an argument/battle/war in a way that totally undermines their opinion/feeling/abilities in such a way that they have on response, retort, or dignity left. see also rap battles, slavery, Napolean’s conquest for Europe, Hannibal, 2004 Presidential election

It is the second definition that we will be working with here. Why? I’ll tell you why.

It’s is completely and totally fuckin’ unrealistic and unbelievable to even imagine that ANY black man in America would have the ability to son FOUR/QUATRO/FO’/5-1/2+2/QUATRE black women at any time on any situation as charged as a black man dating a white woman.

At her house. Get the fuck out of here.

Not.

Gonna.

Happen.

Ever.

Everytime I watch the clip I’m just waiting for the real version to surface. You know, the one where as soon as his ex-wife sees him driving up with a white woman, she charges out the front door and starts yelling all kinds of bitches, tramps, and skeezers at the white woman while the black man has to physically push her back into the house.

And then…

She starts yelling at him calling all kinds of emasculating names and her friends join into the fracas and begin cursing him out and shit. Oh wait…that’s not what would have happened. This is a white woman here, my bad.

Let’s rewind.

*rewinding noise*

Everytime I watch the clip I’m just waiting for the real version to surface. You know, the one where as soon as his ex-wife sees him driving up with a white woman, she charges out the front door and starts yelling all kinds of bitches, tramps, and skeezers at the white woman while the black man has to physically push her back into the house which causes her to start swinging on her husband which causes the white woman to very stupidly GET OUT OF THE CAR causing the black ex-wife’s friends to come out of the house and commence to hurling racial slurs epithets and love songs at the white girl and THEN commence to pushing and then possibly whipping her ass while the black man then comes to the aid of his white woman and gets hit in the process causing him to slap the monkey shine shit out of somebody and end up in jail.

That is what happens in real life. And its probably his fault. Just don’t bring the white girl to your ex-wife’s house when you’re coming to pick up your child, k?

But no. In this pipe dream of a clip, the black man TOTALLY SONS four black women. Causing all of them to shut the fuck up with well timed and articulate sentences that reinforce that he is indeed not a weak black man. He is a strong black man who has never even thought about a white woman before in the entire time that his ex has known him. He just wants a drama-less household and the fact that the woman he is receiving that from is white is just secondary, though that’s clearly the premise that’s being pushed here.

Wesley Snipes would be so proud.

I don’t know if anybody realizes the magnitude of the bullshit that is being pushed here. Let’s assume he makes it to the door unscathed. As soon as he started talking the women would have ganged up on him and not heard a single damn thing he said. Even if everything he said was true, up until the implied white woman drama free part, it wouldn’t matter because no self-respecting black woman is going to listen to any black man justify dating a white woman. None. He is automatically weak and that gives them every opportunity to just mentally beat him down especially since he’s trying to defend himself which serves no purpose whatsoever.

That’s like a black man trying to defend himself in 1867 for whistling at a white woman with an all white jury deciding his fate. Guilty bitch, guilty.

Further, where in America have you EVER seen four black women who would calmly answer questions and act civil in an emotionally charged situation like that. I have three sisters, one of whom has a kid by a white dude and she STILL goes off on black men dating white women. Hell, she went off on her white baby-daddy for dating a white girl.

Common sense and pissed off black women never quite meet in the middle.

But nope, in this clip, the black women listened and answered his questions in a way that made it seem that he was asking questions that made the women think. Hold the fuckin’ phone. There is no thinking in emotionally charged situations…not until after everybody’s had time to think on their own. But there they go, thinking and listening as this black man completely destroys their criticisms of him.

Pure and utter bullshit.

You get all the standard shit. “Youse a weak ass nigga.” “I’m not dating right now because I’m tired of weak ass niggas like you.” And of course none of the women is dating…except for the light skinned woman.

Who is dating a white man. Waitaminute.

I don’t know about you, but that immediately struck me as odd. In all of my experiences of living, most black women dating white men tend to be more on the darker side of the shade tree. I don’t know if lighter women are just on a quest for more color in their children’s lives or what, but you just don’t see that very often. I have a theory on this, but this is already long so that is another post. I could be wrong, but pay attention to the women you see dating white men, there are exceptions, but for the most part, it isn’t the uber-lightskinned black women doing it.

So to the makers of the movie Tired Black Man, I say, nigga please. Nowhere in America would one black man stand a chance against 4 black women on damn near anything, unless he is their pimp. And not like Nelly, but like Mr. Whitefolks. Further, nowhere in America would the bIack man get clearly cogent and understandable opinions out for the black women to calmly hear and internalize to a point where they felt bad.

I am a black man. I am not stupid. I know what battles to pick with black women. That ain’t one of them.

I look forward to more comedy, but the least you can do is make it slightly more realistic. At least throw in one of the fights that undoubtedly would occur. Thank you however for making the women in the clip at least attractive despite the fact that the white woman with no lines was the best actor in the entire thing as Hollywood is undoubtedly worried about the recent quadrupling of black people who are the recipients of much coveted Oscars.

We have a problem in the black community. That is not to say that we have one, singular problem, as the tv show Black.White. and just life in general has shown us that we have numerous problems in the black community. But we have one that I have been intending to discuss but have failed to discuss hence leaving it undiscussed…

…in the black community.

So, like I said, we have a problem in the black community. And the problem is…

…wait for it…

…it’s coming…

…girrrrrrrrrrrl are you ready…

…light-skinned points.

Yes. Light-skinned points. This is a problem in the black community. Wait, wait, wait. I see some people in the back row looking verklempt amongst themselves, probably wondering what I mean by light-skinned points. Let us define.

Defining.

Light-skinned point(s). noun. 1) the additional looks (see also sweats, dickriding, blonde ambition), attention, and yearnestness that fairer skinned light skinned women receive over their darker-skinneded sisters whether or not their face actually warrants any attention at all. 2) the assumed increase in attractiveness laid before melanin deficient black women…whether or not their face actually warrants any attention at all. See Tracee Ellis-Ross, the other lightskinned chick on Girlfriends, the lightskinned chick in the ghetto, etc.

Close your eyes.

Are your eyes closed?

Good.

Imagine that you are a woman right now. All brokeback points are hereby suspended. Imagine that you are an attractive dark-skinned sister walking down the street and a group of black males is sitting on a stoop to the left of you. Also imagine, a light skinned woman who isn’t very attractive by any standard is walking towards you. You and she will cross the man-inhabited stoop at the exact same moment. Now, imagine that you have good credit. Oops, sorry…wrong fantasy. Okay, imagine how shitty it must feel to know that even if you look leagues better than said light skinned woman, she will get 90% of the attention…and I’m willing to say it is MERELY because she is lightskinneded.

[***DISCLAIMER: To all of my lightskinnededed sisters out there, I'm not saying that you all are unattractive. That is not the case at all. Hell, my girlfriend is bright as hell. I know boatloads of attractive lightskinned women. I'm merely talking about the ridiculous amount of attention that unattractive (and you can keep that eyes of the beholder bullmalarkey to yourself) lightskinned women receive strictly cuz they are light. Everybody knows it happens and we all talk about it all the time. ***]

You can stop being a woman now.

I’ve always thought this was a funny phenomenon. I mean, even the most busted light women get a lot of attention. Whether you’re on the subway or just walking down the street, the light skinned women with a hairline that starts in Australia will get attention. Somehow, we love the light.

It has to be frustrating for attractive dark skinned women. And for the record, you are not attractive if the only person who has called you attractive is your mother and your reflection. At least one person you weren’t sleeping with has to say you are hot to be indeed, hot. You can put 9 dark-skinned fine women in a room with one light skinned Gremlin and I’d be willing to bet that generally speaking, most men would say that the light skinned woman was the most attractive woman in the room. And that is emblematic of the problem in the black community, we place lightskinned people up on a pedestal. Well, mostly women since everybody knows that lightskinned men went out of style back in the early 90’s. Yeah, we have our blips here and there from Shemar “I Give Keanu Reeves A Run For His Money In The Acting Department” Moore to Boris Kodjoe (is he even lightskinnedededed?), but yeah, us lightskinned black men…

…short…

…end…

…of…

…the…

…stick.

You know, spelling that out that way was a lot better in theory than it was in practice. It’s kind of dumb for me to tell you that since I could easily just correct it and you’d never even have to know. Yet…I won’t.

I suppose you could just make the easy connection that light skinned women are closer to white women, thus the black mans innate desire for white women is the culprit here. And I guess that has merit. Which would then explain the hate that a lot of light skinned women receive from other black women since black men love them some light chicks and dark chicks know that causing them to hate on their light sisters who can at times be assholes about the fact that they get a lot of love from black men. Not always, as I know some light chicks who hate the light attention as much as dark chicks do. Which is kind of interesting if you think about it. If you are a light chick who gets a lot of sweats from black men and you know that light skinned women do indeed get points, and you hate the points you get for being light skinneded so much so that you wish you didn’t get the points…how do you reconcile that? Does it stop light chicks from being proud of who they are??

It’s like intra-race reverse affirmative action. Or more simply, amongst black folks, light chicks get the attention.

This is a problem in the black community because well, our kids are getting lighter and you can’t be the black community if there ceases to be any more black people.

That’s a joke.

*rimshot*

That slavery shit really did a number on us didn’t it? Some of the self-hate that a lot of us are caught up with has translated into our love for the light. Face it, a lot of black folks hate themselves. We hate our skin cuz its black, we hate black pepper, we hate midnight, and black ball point pens. Hell, there are some black folks reading this right now who hate what I’m saying cuz the text is showing up black. Psychologically we get so caught up in light versus dark in our community, and you better believe its still an issue, that we offer solace to light-skinned women who would in NO way ever get points if life made sense.

[***DISCLAIMER #2: I'm also aware that all men don't go straight for light-skinned women. But facts and videos don't lie to us. ***]

Which brings up another point. In an ideal world, dark skinned women could be video hoes. That’s actually the saddest and funniest part of the entire debate. We always hear about all the light skinned women in videos…which just so happen to be the same videos that so many women rail against. The same videos that exploit women to the fullest are the very ones that many darker women get upset about not being able to participate in. Strange strange world we live in.

This is all just further proof of the deep seeded issues we have in the black community that are going to keep us fighting amongst ourselves for eternity. We have no dark skinned video hoes. Well only a few. But I think we need more.

I just now realized that there is no deep explanation for this. We just love lighter shit period. White air force onces. Linen. White sheets. White socks. Bleach. White-tees.

Sometimes it sucks when the simple answer is the right one.

We’ve been conditioned to love the lighter skinned people because we were taught that white was right and we have just passed it down over generations.

Bottom line…more dark skinned video hoes please. And throw rocks at light skinned chicks.

That’s a joke.