Welcome to the start of the beginning. Today, and on some future days, JGT Enterprises will be blessed with guest entries from folks who have something to say. Some may come from folks you know, others will be from total strangers both to me and you…but still with something they wanted to say.

…Alastacia Maria-Maria Lopez.

*******

Who is more trusting in a relationship… men? or Women? That is the question that was posed to me today.

Well this is an easy one… I mean it’s obviously the woman right? Let’s think about this.

A woman will hold shit DOWN!!! She will be at home… scrubbing, dusting, washing, ironing, folding, cooking breakfast, packing lunch and preparing dinner while her man “works late” and goes out of town on “business trips.” So her TRUST MUST be looong.

A woman will IGNORE shit!!! Like the obvious, allll the signs, the warnings of all her friends and even HER OWN INTUITION! So her TRUST MUST be deeeeeep.

A woman is ACCEPTING. She will accept lame excuses, tired explanations, biased character references, weak alibis, feeble apologies AND consolation gifts. So her TRUST MUST be seeeerious.

A woman is UNDERSTANDING. She will understand the lipstick on his clothes, the perfume on his skin, his sudden lack of interest in sex and his extra-defensive behavior. The only reason?? Her trust, her longer, deeper, seeerious trust, for her man.

Right???

Well if you read through this nodding your head, I hate to break it to you… but you’re WRONG!!!

Listen up men… and please listen good.

You ever wonder why, or HOW a woman can take your cheating ass back? You think it’s because she’s stupid? Or maybe you think the dick is JUST that good? Maybe it’s because you have such GREAT spin tactics and can get out of any situation? Nope. Umm… not quite. It’s more like she never trusted yo’ trifling ass in the first place.

Don’t let the screaming, yelling and questions like, “How could you do this to me?” fool you. Sure the initial SHOCK of the realization that you ACTUALLY tried to play her will elicit some tears and possibly some outrageous behavior and some crazy threats… but please know that when she finds out… she’s not really all that surprised. Cuz allll along, in the back of her mind, through all the movies and the matinee plays and Christmas presents and surprise birthday parties and walks on the beach and hour long pillow talks and the dinner parties and conversations with your mother, and the great sex and romantic evenings by the fire… her ass was just wondering WHEN she was gonna have to deal with yo’ shit.

Ladies, ya’ll know this shit is TRUE!!!

*disbelieving smirk for nay-sayers*

Okay, okay, women, if it’s not true then answer this. Have you EVER, seen an unfamiliar number on your caller ID and answered the phone READY with an attitude? And got even FLY-ER when the caller was a woman whose voice you didn’t recognize??? On your CELL PHONE??? Well why? Why? Why???

Why? I’ll tell you why. Cuz you are READY for the drama to begin. Just waiting it out, ready for that other shoe to drop. The shoe you think is inevitable.

And men… your perfect woman? She’s laughing and smiling and telling you how much she loves you and wants to be with you and how she will ride or die with you – but please don’t EVER believe, no matter what she might say, that deep in her little heart, she actually trusts you. I mean she might leave her pocketbook in the room with you alone, or leave her good silverware out when you come to visit, but please believe that she is marking everything you say down and storing that shit in her mental Rolodex, archiving it away for a time she has to recall it.

“Oh, so NOW you went to Miami with Cedric huh? Hmmph well on July 6, 1998, you said you went with Darnell. And I remember it was July 6th because we were having Quintesia’s birthday party and I had on that yellow dress… the one where the zipper was always sticking??? And I remember you said Darnell because after you said it, I asked if Darnell’s wife went because I was trying to picture that fat bitch in a bathing suit. I remember that shit like it was yesterday. So which is it? Did you go with Cedric, or Darnell?”

Sound familiar? Sound like a woman that actually TRUSTS you??? Please.

A woman thinks, “Cheat on me??? Mm-hmm… WHEN will he? Let me find just ONE stray phone number, or one long ass strand of hair in his car. I SWEAR I’mma be ready to wreck shop.” Women don’t trust yo’ asses at all.

Which brings me to the flip side of the coin.

Ladies… you ever wonder why a man can fuck everything on two feet, cry and plead and beg you to stay when you find out (because you ALWAYS will find out *rolling eyes* ) yet the INSTANT he so much as SUSPECTS that you are unfaithful he WALKS??? Leaves yo’ ass high and dry without so much as a blink of the eye???

You might think it’s because men don’t love as hard, or they are wired differently, they’re more logical, less emotional than women… or the myriad of other reasons I’ve heard. But nope. Not so. It’s because… come closer… a little closer…. *whispering* THEY actually TRUSTED you.

And let me clarify that shit just a little bit, because I don’t want you women to think that men trust you because of the representative you introduce them to when you were first dating (because we ALL have our representatives out there in front for the first few months or so… just on our SUPER best behavior). No, don’t get it twisted, the trust they genuinely feel has little or nothing to do with you. I mean, not really. Yeah, of course your representative plays a part in whether or not he deems you to be wife material in the first place… but the TRUST he feels? Yeah, that’s so not you. That is due primarily to his extra-large, king-sized, outrageously huge… EGO.

A man thinks… “Cheat on ME??? Hmmph, WHY??? I pay the bills (or whatever), I take care of HER and my kids, I’m a great father, I remember her birthday, our anniversary, I keep the toilet seat down AND… (and this is where a lot of men are completely delusional) I dick her down WELL and often enough so that she is COMPLETELY satisfied. She has NOTHING to stray for. NO REASON to cheat. None whatsoever. Plus her representative is not that kind of woman. I got a good girl.”

Ahhh men, gotta love their simplicity.

But see ladies, THAT is why it’s so devastating. Because deep down… in his little simple mind… in his heart, in his soul… he truly believed you. Well his ego did.

His ego believed that you’d only slept with 3 men before him. His ego believed that you thought his dick was CLEARLY (X, 2005) a sign of the second coming. His ego believed that you had never given head before your wedding night, because you were “saving something special” for your husband. His ego believed that you never had an orgasm before he came on the scene. His ego believed that it was alcohol that made you able to deep throat him like Pepa did that damn banana the other night on Surreal Life. His ego believed that it was the weed that let you take it up the ass like a champ.

You’re a fabulous wife and a superb mother and that undoubtedly means that it isn’t possible for you…

…his Wonder Woman who’s home, scrubbing, dusting, washing, ironing, folding, cooking breakfast, packing lunch and preparing dinner while he “works late” and goes out of town on “business trips;” ignoring allll the signs, the warnings of all your friends and even your OWN intuition; accepting lame excuses, tired explanations, biased character references, weak alibis, feeble apologies and consolation gifts; “understanding” the lipstick on his clothes, the perfume on his skin, his sudden lack of interest in sex and his extra-defensive behavior… his good girl…

…to EVER even THINK about fucking another man. The realization of your infidelity devastated him… truly devastated him and this made his prompt departure from the relatioship MANDATORY. Because neither he, his gi-normous/hu-gantic ego, nor Lemony Snicket himself, could have foreseen this series of most unfortunate events.

Men… and their egos… undoubtedly the more trusting in a relationship.

*******

Alastacia Maria-Maria Lopez is a freelance stripper from the Lower East Side of Omaha by way of Bulgaria. She enjoys rabbits and all things that make you go hmmm. Alastacia would like to end world hunger and strip for humanity.

So the stories aren’t all real…who knew?

What it do…what tha bizness is??

Word on the street PJ known to handle his.

Bitch get ya mind right…

Welcome to another edition of wjgt radio at 106.3fm. I’m your host DJ PJ.

Aw skip it.

Myself and the good folks at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises have decided that we’re going to make Friday’s the day for a new playlist here at jacksongtickle.com.

Why?

Because we’re sexxy enough to do that. And more importantly, me, Panama “The Most Muhf***in’” Jackson is without a doubt the sexxiest mofo lodown around this town.

Sho’ nuff.

Either way, on this edition of wjgt radio’s friday morning smack it up flip and rub it down show, we have the playlist for a post I actually wrote in March entitled, My Mama’s Music, Volume 1: Music That Moves You.

A while back I decided that I wanted to start putting together compilation CD’s since I have more than a few CD’s and more than enough time on my hands. Well I decided that since the best music was made during the time when my mother actually appreciated the music, I’d call it My Mama’s Music and make it series. Well, laziness ensued and I stopped at 2 cd’s. This one, that’s up now, and the version with more upbeat picnic, outside in the summer time songs.

Since I wrote about this before, I won’t give a write up of the songs, just know these joints are like butter baby, it’s like sugar y’all.

For those people that have personally requested I make them a copy and send it…umm…it’s in the mail.

Kind of…

Anywho, go check it out, it makes for some good Friday music and you can even pretend you got some soul when you get home and tell your man/woman/dog/cactus that you just realized the perfect song to describe them and it has always been your favorite and just pick one from the list. Even if you’ve never heard it before.

Look out in the next few weeks for some shows entitled Heard It All Before: Songs That Inspired Others AKA Samples Galore, which will be one of my personal favorites, and Because I Love You: Girl This Is About You. Also, some guest radioblogs are going to be coming as I know quite a few people who want to drop some playlists and eventually, I’ll be adding my own songs on here. Yes, Panama has been in the studio recording songs and even has one that includes shoutouts of some of the very bloggers I frequent.

It’s not a game.

As for the guest bloggers, those are coming up too (if you still want to get down just holla at a playa on IM or email for the rules stipulations and Cognac). And we have some fun in store with those. The good folks at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises decided that its time to have some damn fun up in our corporate offices by bringing in some extra help.

Fun…is our middle name. You know, right after Muhfuckin’.

In fact, my new name is Mr. Panama “The Most Muhf***in’ Fun” Jackson AKA Mr. I Can Make You Famous AKA Sweetlips McGraw AKA U. Donwani WiMi.

Recognize bitches, recognize.

Playlist (As It shows up on the radioblog) for:

My Mama’s Music: Music That Moves You

1. The Flamingos-I Only Have Eyes For You
2. Force MD’s-Tender Love
3. Jermaine Jackson-Castles of Sand
4. Earf, Win, ‘n Fiyah-Reasons
5. The Gap Band-Yearning For Your Love
6. Donny Hathaway and Roberta Flack-Be Real Black For Me
7. Barry White-I’ve Got So Much To Give
8. Marvin Gaye and Diana Ross-Stop, Look, Listen (To Your Heart)
9. ConFunkShun-Straight From The Heart
10. Creative Source-I’d Find You Anywhere
11. Marvin and Diana-Just Say, Just Say
12. Bobby Womack-Woman’s Gotta Have It
13. Debra Laws-Very Special
14. Patrice Rushen-When I Found You
15. Lenny Williams-Because I Love You
16. Love Unlimited Orchestra-Walking In The Rain

Mysteriously Missing: Chaka Khan-Love Me Still

Heads will roll…but enjoy!

[***Administrative Note: I'm going to be having some guest bloggers come thru here and bless da God with some featured verses...umm...I mean I'm going to have some guest posters over the next few weeks sharing and caring...and caring and sharing...since sharing is caring. Just a note. If you want to be a guest poster, email me. I'm always up for some entertainment. ***]

As usual, everyday I peruse the daily news sites for the most up to date headlines and news stories. For the most part, the news is filled with stories of the damage done by Hurricane Katrina and the total failure of government, on all levels, and the ensuing fingerpointing and whatnot.

Well yesterday, a poll was released that indicated the racial divide in the perceptions of the relief efforts. As was expected, the perception of the the aftermath of the hurricane pretty much broke down right along racial lines. For instance, 60% of black people polled felt that the government was slow in its rescue attempts because the majority of the citizens were black, whereas only 12.5% of white folks felt that way. Further, 37% of black folks polled felt that Bush was to blame, whereas only 15% of white folks felt that way.

And the capper: does Bush really care about Black people?? A full 67% of white people think that Bush does indeed care, which I can only assume is based on all of the wonderful choices and decisions that Bush has been a party to that have made it better to be black everywhere…

…whereas 21% of black folks think Bush does care, which would be all of the black people (including a lot of church folks) that voted for Bush back in November who decided that since Kerry couldn’t be trusted to handle situations delicate to black existence, like abortion, since our teenage girls can’t quit popping out them kids, and gay marriage since God personally told Bush and everybody else that gay’s indeed shouldn’t be allowed to exist…er, I mean, get married.

I’m of the school of thought of some comedian I heard. Straight people have been screwing up marriage for years, its about time we give somebody else a shot.

Feel free to read the article to see the rest of the poll findings.

The bottom line here is this, black people and white folks interpretation is at odds here.

And it isn’t exactly a shocker. Hell, I’d wager that 6 times out of 10, if the option of race comes up as a problem, a white person will tell you that race isn’t a factor at all. For some reason, and I clearly don’t understand this, white people honestly feel like race doesn’t matter anymore. I almost find it comical since for damn near every situation where race can play a role, it does. Thing is, its usually in white folks favor with the sole exception of being a white dude in a black neighborhood at the wrong time of night.

That’s never in white people’s favor because police just can’t get there fast enough. And we’re faster than white people. The breeding of strong black bucks during slavery ensured that one will last eons.

The funny shit about race is that white people don’t understand why we, and that we means black folks, get stuck on questions of race so much. But if you look at the poll…

“Half of all whites said people who broke into stores and took things were mostly criminals. Only 16 percent of blacks agreed, with 77 percent saying the looters were mostly desperate people trying to find a way to survive.” -from CNN poll

Fact is, race plays such an important part because more than half the time, black people can see the blatant differences in treatment, to include the recent media uproar about the way “looters” were being portrayed depending on color, and shit like that happens often. I’m not even sure its always intentional, just moreso ingrained into the fabric of our perceptions about each other’s race. Blacks are stereotyped and viewed downwards and white folks are always given the benefit of the doubt.

Hell half the time when reading a news article or seeing a story on TV you can tell if the perpetrators are black or white, just from the tone and consequences…

…like this.

Police Find 8 Ohio Kids Locked in Cages

So apparently some parents in Ohio didn’t feel like locking their kids in an attic, basement, or even their room was the lastest trend. Nope, locking 8 of their 11 kids in cages in the back yard was their poison.

These kids were aged 1 to 14 and all adopted or foster children.

So far so good. No hints of color, though the cage thing kind of tipped my hat that these people were white. Black folks just beat the shit out of our kids and make them watch shit like Party of 5 reruns to show what could happen if they don’t act right.

Ah…here we go. Here is what Lt. Randy Sommers of the Huron County Sheriff’s Office had to say. Take a gander:

“Basically, the parents thought they were providing for the protection of the children from themselves and from each other,” said Sommers.

“They thought there was circumstances with these children that warranted the cages at night,” Sommers added, but he would not go into details of what those circumstances were.

Umm…the fuck??? That’s the most understanding motherfucking police officer ever. Shit, he almost sounds like he sees the logic and agrees that maybe, just maybe, these little kids need to be in cages.

Those damn kids need protection from themselves and others. Though putting kids in cages isn’t going to protect them from each other now is it? Or lyme disease or mosquitos or cold or just any old disease? Maybe I’m wrong there. But I’d really like that cop to stop me when I’m doing 90 in a 55 MPH zone.

And if that isn’t proof that these folks are white and that white folks get different treatment, then this paragraph is:

“Police said no charges had been filed against the parents.”

That right there is proof positive of what I’m talking about. The parents picture wasn’t even shown. Let this have been Shalondraniqua and Jesse from Cleveland. Their pictures would have been all over the damn article.

No charges filed???

Hmm…this sounds like neglect to me. If this was black folks, their asses would have been in jail 10 minutes after the cops found out the kids were in cages.

And this is the shit I’m talking about right here. White people wonder why we think race is everywhere?? Because it is. The shit plays out in everything that it can. Perception, action, effort…it’s everywhere. White people expect black folks to get over it and I know some black people who think we should get over race too.

Umm…fuck you if you think that. And I actually really mean that.

Until I can’t read a newspaper article and determine without seeing a single picture the color of a person, or until there is some equality in treatment in all situations, or until black people in one of the poorest cities in America aren’t being turned away after having lost everything, I’m playing the race card.

Affirmative action…I’m like Lil Webbie, gimme that. And until white America can accept the fact that race does indeed permeate everything black people will still be talking and making noise about it.

And as long as polls validate what we are feeling and proving what we are all thinking, white America cannot run from the fact that they play the largest part in shaping race relations.

And if white America doesn’t want to hear that??

That’s what we have Jesse and Al Sharpton for.

Welcome to the first real installment of WJGT Radio at 106.3FM on yo’ innanet dial. Today I bring you the first edition of the:

Yes, I Own These Albums Show…And Some Other Sexxiness!

Two X’s all day baby…two X’s.

*cue laugh track*

I’m your inhouse disc jockey, DJ PJ.

For future reference and for all those individuals who are just locationally challenged, the dial for WJGT radio can be found by looking at the right side of this page, then scrolling down a little to the part that says WJGT radio and clicking on the show.

It’s that simple! You TOO can be cool like the kids slapping the shit out of the 9 year old nerd with the bifocals.

Today I’m going to be taking you back to some songs you don’t even remember forgetting and some songs you won’t be able to believe were ever really popular and that you LOVED!!! And yes, some of these songs still bang like Ricky Martin, even though he was referring to a woman we all know Ricky Martin was just covering up for the fact that he bangs.

Ladies and gentlemen, even everybody’s favorite singing gangstas, D.R.S., make an appearance.

Who???

Mike Jones.

I mean D.R.S.

The Dirty Rotten Scoundrels who made everybody take a “Gangsta Lean” in the earl ’90s.

Without further ado, let’s get into the action and talk a little bit about the songs and artists featured.

The Yes I Own These Albums Show presents…

1) Young & Restless B-Girls

“B stand for Bronco, BMW, Benz, bass…”

Two dudes from Miami who are probably washing the cars of the women they were talking about now, but man was this song one for the ages. Isn’t it a damn shame what OJ did to Bronco sales??

Broncos go down the hooooooooooole. (Shoutouts to Plucky Duck from Tiny Toons for the memorable lines!)

2) Wilson Phillips Hold On

Fuck you, I love Wilson Phillips. Hell, I sing along to their songs on elevators and in CVS. They spit that hot fiyah like Dylan in his prime. And if you just hold on, for one more day…the government will STILL take its time getting to you.

Fuckers.

3) Sam Salter There You Are

Nobody outside of Atlanta might remember this guy, but for a good two weeks, he was popular. So what did I do?? Bought the CD single and yes I love this song. Damn shame dude is like 5′2″…with Tims on. Can somebody tell me why the more successful artists in the music realm don’t tend to be very tall?? Somebody should send that shit into Unsolved Mysteries.

4) Queen Pen Party Ain’t A Party

Honestly, I don’t want to talk about it. Ole shitty ass CD.

5) Nicole Wrae Make It Hot

Before she was talking about being your girlfriend, she was working with Timbaland and Missy making that hot music. No pun intended. This came out in 1998 and I loved it just as much then as I do now. Too bad nobody else gives a shit.

No really…nobody does.

6) Newcleus Jam On It

Classic shit. Just utterly classic. Throw this song on at a party and everybody over 40 will know exactly what to do. Fuck that…make that 35 and over.

7) Ideal Get Gone

“you betta leave…me alone…get your bags…get the hell on”

You all might not remember them, but I do. They created the perfect ‘get the fuck out’ song. Too bad nobody cared after their first song and that they were uglier than four Craig Macks. Sheesh.
Fu-Schnikens La Schmoove

Shaq’s hanging buddies. And Phife from Tribe loved them too evidenced by his cameo on this song. Living proof that novelties are just that…novelties. Their backwords fast paced rapping was pointless once people realized, hey…they can’t actually rap!!

Fuschniken dodes!

9) Domino Ghetto Jam

Shiiiiiiiiiiiit…I still love this. It’s the ghetto jam. Hell, I might need to throw a BBQ at a park JUST so I can play this outloud in public.

10) DRS Gangsta Lean

“this is foooooor my homieeeeeeeeeez…you know I miiiiiiiss you yeah you know I missss you yeaaaaaaaaaah, see you when I get there…in that gangsta lean, thaaat gangsta lee-eee-ean”

I’m pouring out some Evian for my homies right now. What?? I’m at work.

11) DJ Magic Mike & the Vicious Base Drop The Bass

Some classic Miami bass music. This that 808 knock for dat azz. You know, music was just fun back then. You could even let your parents listen to it!! True, they had no clue what you were talking about but still. Tomorrow’s parents are going to know all about flipping birds and Jacob The Jeweler.

I love rap.

12) Color Me Badd I Wanna Sex You Up

I still remember the first time I heard this song. It was at a track meet in like 6th grade. I felt guilty just for listening but man was this song great. Speaking of which, the rumors that Christopher Williams is dead are false. Apparently Nino Brown is still out there committing crimes.

New Jack City bitches!!

If you don’t know who Nino Brown is…you are dead to me.

13) Brownstone If You Love Me

How many folks know they were signed to Michael Jackson’s label?? Personally my joint was Grapevyne, but I went with this since, hell, I have no reason. Just wait til I drop that Jade on that azz.

You do remember Jade right?

14) Black Box Everybody Everybody

Some English Black woman decides to attempt to uplift the world with a song about everybody. I’ll be damned if it was like a Casey Kasem top 40 hit for months. Honestly, I don’t even know what the song is about. Let’s pretend its about love.

15) Biv 10 Pee Wee All Stars Sumthing Terrible
In the contest to see who can create better child stars, Jermaine Dupri busted Michael Bivins’ ass. However, I still purchased this album for some reason, so I decided to delight you all with a bunch of 12 and unders rapping and proving that they were sumthing terrible. They also need to go to school. They misspelled “sumthing”.

16) B-Rocc And The Biz My Baby Daddy

This song right here, is responsible for the downfall of the black community. This shit RIGHT HERE spawned the most overused and commonly accepted term in the ghetto vernacular. I actually heard a student at my school tell her boyfriend that in a convo with her momma, she told her mother that she wanted him to be her baby daddy.

You know what he said??

“For real????? You mean it??”

Shoot. Me.

17) Apache Gangsta Bitch

How fitting a transition, huh? His only hit and I’m like the only person who still owns this album and bought it when it dropped. Ironically, did you know that Q-Tip from Tribe produced this? Me neither, til last night. This and MC Lyte’s song Ruff Neck were dark spots on the dating scene for educated negroes. Luckily we have Kanye to return education to glory.

Oh wait…

***

There you have it. The first “Yes I own these albums show.” Tune in next time for more shit you ain’t even know you forgot about.

[***I've added Little Brother's first critically acclaimed album, The Listening, to the playlist over there at WJGT Radio (which can be found by looking at the right of the screen under WJGT Radio, graduate). For some reason, my radio blog puts the songs in reverse order. Methinks I got a bug or a roach or something. Either way check out the album, its quality hiphop music and go pick up their second album, The Minstrel Show, on September 13th. ***]

Oh I’m SO done now.

There is a rumor circulating (and assuming its true and bears credence, one that BET has yet to put out an official press release disputing though this really isn’t even making a ripple anywhere, maybe because its BET and nobody cares) that the executives at BET won’t be playing the video for Little Brother’s first single “Lovin’ It” because it’s “too intelligent.”

Too intelligent??

Somebody.

Kill.

Me.

First the Fat Boys break up…now this.

Wait, wait, wait, I see a bunch of folks looking around wondering, who the hell is biship, and why hasn’t he been called to trial?

Er…I mean who is Little Brother? Sorry, I been listening to Wyclef’s The Carnival again.

*crickets*

Right. I know a lot of people out there have no clue who that is but many people on the underground hiphop circuit have been singing their praises for years, to include myself. Little Brother is a hip-hop group out of Raleigh, NC, who specialize in good music. Their first album, The Listening (which I might put up on the radio blog as a kind of intro for folks that don’t know), was heavily praised by ?uestlove from the legendary Roots crew and Pete Rock.

*still more crickets*

The producer for the group, 9th Wonder, produced the song “Threats” on Jay-Z’s Black Album and produced the songs “Girl” and “Is She The Reason?” on Destiny’s Child’s swan song Destiny Fulfilled.

OH!!!

*still more crickets and now we got a praying mantis sighting*

Forget it, it’s not important, but go pick up their album on September 13th anyway. It’s called The Minstrel Show.

Let’s focus on the total, utter ignorance of BET…and yes, those two words do go hand in hand, but still, DAMN. BET, purveyor of all things educational and worthy of black notice, might have put the proverbial nail in the coffin for me.

Even though I’ve written off BET long ago as one of the most useless networks in existence, and save the reruns of Martin, TVOne is pretty pointless too, I was always of the belief that one day, just one day, maybe BET would realize that its programming and show ideas have, for lack of a better word, sucked. I always hoped that the executives would all come together and say, “you know what, this can’t be what BET has come to. We just can’t show Prison Song one more time, it’s already come on 2,786 times. And if I have to watch Fire and Ice one more time, I’ll kill all of you.”

I always kind of hoped it would turn around and be a station that had some intrinsic value to the black community. Something?!!? It’s BET. Black Entertainment Television. To me that means providing quality entertainment relevant to black people of all backgrounds…to include black people that read.

But now, fuck it…burn all the buildings, fire all the staff, and just put some loud annoying unending beep on the channel that houses BET.

Assuming this rumor is true, and given the fact that it is BET, I’m just not ready to dismiss the rumor, BET has finally admitted what they think that we’ve assumed all along.

To BET, black people don’t want or aren’t ready for anything that might actually cause thought outside of the box.

And let’s be clear about something hear. I’ve heard and seen the video for “Lovin’ It”. We’re not talking about a song that incites you to read Chaucer or Shakespeare. Hell, it’s just a party song. So what I assume that BET means by the whole “too intelligent” thing is that Little Brother caters to an audience that they just don’t know how to reach…niggas that read. The audience Little Brother caters to is not the 106&Park crowd, not the 8-17 year olds who only want to hear 50 Cent or Lil Bow Wow. Hell, Little Brother isn’t even the Rap City crowd anymore since Rap City plays the same videos that come on 106&Park now.

Do you mind if I take a tangent? No? Thanks. I remember when Rap City used to be the best place to catch up on real hiphop. At 4pm EST everyday, you could see all the latest underground hiphop and see videos of up and coming new rap acts. Between Yo!MTV Raps and Rap City, one could venture into the world of real hiphop. I’m not ready to get into a dialogue on what real hiphop means today, as to me, it’s just one of those things you know when you see it…similar to Little Brother. It’s a damn shame what Rap City has devolved into. The Rap City Top 10 is damn near the same as the 106&Park Countdown. They just replace the R&B songs with R&B sounding rap songs.

Back to the lecture at hand. This whole situation, assuming its true, begs a better question. What exactly does BET think of its patrons if they are willing to deem a video “too intelligent” or are unable to figure out where to run a video?? I’m inclined to believe that BET ultimately thinks its patrons aren’t too bright or would be unable to appreciate something that deviates from the norm. Essentially, BET caters to the braindead.

And yes, if you watch BET, that means you. I stopped watching BET (except for the BET Awards) when I took the blue pill and left The Matrix. Besides, MTV is WAY more entertaining I mean have you SEEN Laguna Beach??

Hmmm…mayhaps that was too much information.

Yeah…where were we?

Oh yes! BET has decided, and it didn’t take them not playing a video that abstracts from the norm to discern this, that if the artist doesn’t pack mainstream appeal (such as your Kanye’s, Jay’s, LL’s, or talking about bling, bitches, and bentleys) then there is no place for them on BET. I guess they aren’t black entertainment. Or maybe, they’re just not the kind of black entertainment BET believes black folks are capable of understanding or enjoying.

You know the biggest shame in all of this?? BET could really be a station of amazing impact. And I won’t even say that they haven’t tried and I understand its a business. They are competing for advertising dollars, and aren’t getting any, evidenced by the fact that there is a whole day which features nothing even remotely consistant with black entertainment (Sunday). I don’t know who to blame for that but good gotdamn, BET has really dropped the ball somewhere, be it in their executive choices or business decisions.

BET could honestly be a place where black shows featuring, music, issues, and THOUGHT were present. It’s like they’ve systematically (and intentionally) reduced BET from a place where people who read and aren’t afraid of information could venture to a place where thinking isn’t necessary…hell, it isn’t even wanted. And TVOne is no different. TVOne only exists because people complained about BET and yet they are damn near interchangeable.

That’s why pulling the “too intelligent” card makes sense. Why even put anything that could be deemed challenging. And like I said, the song in question and hell Little Brother, isn’t akin to calculus. They are just better than average rappers who speak to the common man, with better than average production, that when pulled together create great music. Put plainly, it’s entertaining music.

BET has shown what it feels about its patrons, and to borrow a line from an editorial on hiphopsite about this situation, if you watch BET consistantly, you should feel dumb as fuck right now, since BET has indirectly deemed all of its programming to be intended for the simplest of minds.

So to BET, die.

I’d say this is another sad day in BET History, but it almost seems like everyday is a sad day in BET History nowadays.

BET…welcome to the REAL Minstrel Show.

I saw the movie Marci X this weekend. Not a bad movie, but not exactly one I’d recommend anybody to actually spend time watching. Of course, if you’re bored and don’t have anything else to do there are much worse movies you can watch than Marci X like say, well, I can’t really think of any offhand right now but we all know that they are out there lurking like aliens from the outer rings of Saturn or France just watching and waiting for us to slip up so we can be transported to some spaceship, similar to the one Kanye was waiting for, but much more streamlined and sleek with lots of bells and whistles and cappucino machines…

…riiiiiiiiiiight.

Honestly, even I don’t know how my mind goes where it goes sometimes.

Anyway, Marci X. Well, in the movie, Lisa Kudrow stars as the billionaire heiress to a music company mogul who is trying to get Damon Wayans (his name is Dr. S in the movie) to apologize for some of his brash lyrics and shit. Well, they end up dating and the plan is for him to go and apologize for his lyrics at the MTV Music awards.

Well, as Damon Wayans date to the awards show, Lisa Kudrow’s character does what any white woman dating a thugged out black man would do…

…she dresses like an Erykah Badu knockoff.

Say heffa say what???

Yes heffa, that’s what.

She was fully garbed in a headwrap, a kinte cloth wrap dress, some beads, and I could have sworn I saw an African medallion somewhere. Pure and utter non-sense. And it wasn’t offensive or anything, just overdone. Totally overdone.

It got me to thinking about the asstastic mess of a job people do when they’re trying to emulate another culture in attempts to assimilate or show support. And yes, we do a horrible job, regardless of race. This means black people too. This isn’t just a white thing…this spans ALL cultures.

For the life of me, I don’t understand how people can really be so oblivious to the fact that in our attempts to show support or “understanding” of another culture, we completely turn ourselves into caricatures. For instance, when white people try to emulate black culture, have you noticed that they take the most extreme examples of black culture to embrace? I’m talking gold or platinum chains that hang down to their ankles, doo-rags when they have straight hair, hiphop gear that nobody even remotely attached to black culture would wear. Hell, sometimes I think that most companies make “hiphop” clothing specifically for the leagues of white people who want to be cool between the ages of 13-24 and think that “black” culture is the way to go.

And it isn’t like everything is off. It just seems like people take that one extra step that would normally have you falling off a cliff and getting caught by your toenails on a broken bottle of Absolut Vodka hanging out of the side of a mountain.

Let’s not just stop with white people though. Let’s talk about black folks. Yes, black folks who think they are doing a service to Africa by wearing shit African’s wouldn’t be caught dead in. Have you ever noticed how ridiculous a lot of black folks look when they are paying tribute to “mother Africa”?

Me too.

Hell, it offends me sometimes. Throwing on some kinte clothe pants some slippers exposing your flour-powered toes and putting on an “African” hat you purchased from an Arab guy in your local mall doesn’t exhibit support. It exhibits an exhibit of what not to do when trying to show support to your African brothers and sisters, most of whom you’ll never actually meet.

Hmm…I wonder. Has anybody ever thought to ask an African what they would wear at some sort of traditional ceremony at home?? It seems as if the biggest problem we have is that none of us ever ASKS a person of the culture we’re attempting to copy what THEY would wear.

And that includes Africans too.

I’m not sure whose worse in this case, white people or Africans. See, it would seem that Africans get their fashion ideas from the same place white people do.

Television and other white people.

And I’m just not quite sure which shows either of them are watching.

Hmmm…

[***DISCLAIMER: If you are black, white, or African, or hell any other ethnicity/culture, etc. and are offended because I'm talking about you, well, it's your fault for giving me something to talk about. Fuck you. Either be yourself, or get a dressing coach and quit coming out of the house looking like a hot damn mess. It's not my fault you look like pure shit. Kiss my ass and learn how to properly xerox my culture. ***]

Africans that try to dress like black Americans miss the mark so hard you have to wonder where they were shooting. It’s the same problem white people have, and its the same problem black Americans have when trying to be more “African.”

Sometimes I just want to jackslap everybody.

For some reason, in our attempts to show support we end up mocking the very thing we want to support. How dumb is that? Thats why I don’t wear anything traditionally African now. Hell, I don’t want to walk outside and offend an African. A few weeks ago I bought a shirt that says “I (Heart) Afrikan People.”

Hmmm…

It was a good idea when I bought it. Then I thought about it, even wore it once, and felt a whole lot of weird because I’m not African. Well, not in the traditional sense. I’m clearly of African descent.

[***Panamanian Sidenote: So my mother is from France and my father is a black man from Alabama, and his mother is a Native American. Like a real one, not like some folks who will tell you they 1/72 of Indian blood in them. You know what that makes me?? American like a muhfucka. Black+White-European+Native American=American. ***]

But the fact is, wearing a shirt that says I Love African People isn’t exactly showing love, it feels more like a mockery. I can wear a shirt talking about I love Black people because well…I’m a black dude. I associate with black people. African people view me as black. Basically, to me its like a white person wearing a shirt that says I Love Black People. The right sentiments might be there, but truth be told, it almost looks like a slap in the face. That’s some shit you say after you say something ignorant to attempt to cover your tracks.

And I’m ignorant…so I know what you say when trying to cover your tracks.

I keed I keed.

Hmm…there doesn’t seem to be an appropriate time to do this so I’ll just do it here since we’re talking about ignorant. I’d like to send an extra special, and I must clear my throat for this, FUCK YOU, out to Mike Brown, the head of FEMA, who managed to BLAME THE VICTIMS OF HURRICANE KATRINA for not getting out of New Orleans. What kind of ignant muhfucka blames people who have lost everything and couldn’t leave for their own demise? When asked about the poor people who couldn’t manage to get out, this asshole says that we can’t blame anybody, we just focus on saving people. Dickhead, you just blamed their fate on them!!

I’d honestly like to slap the living shit out of him for that one.

End rant.

Back to the point here…it’s interesting how in our attempts to show support we often end up mocking other cultures, openly.

What makes it even more fucked up is this. In the movie, Lisa Kudrow dressed up as a stereotypic “down-to-earth soul” sistah, kind of chick. Damon Wayans…was a gansta rapper. That shit doesn’t match. Which highlights another problem. Not only do folks not know what they’re doing…they don’t even know WHEN to not know what they’re doing!

[***PSA: The first season of A Different World will officially be released on DVD on November 8, 2005. Mark your calendars. Martin?? Still nowhere in site. My heart hangs heavy. ***]

So the next time you see a white chick in a headwrap with some Ankh earrings or a black guy wearing a kinte cloth dashiki with a map of the middle passage adorning the front…

…slap the living shit out of them then tell them the good news.

You just saved a bunch of money on your car insurance by switching to Geico.

Over the past few days I’ve tried to avoid talking too much with people about Hurricane Katrina. I’ve even tried to avoid watching too much of the news as to not get caught up in the morbid curiosity that usually comes with disasters. But much like any thing of significant importance, its difficult to not get pulled in.

And because of that I’m sad.

The level of chaos that the situation has devolved into just saddens me. We keep hearing from the lopsided ass news reports about the looters out there “stealing” shit like spaceships and nuclear reactors and how savage the conditions have become. Ironically, what I keep seeing in pictures is people pushing food through 4 feet of water trying to find some way to survive when the prospects look hopeless.

I just don’t understand how people standing on the outside of a situation can honestly pass judgement on people getting clothes, food, and supplies from a store that is damn near destroyed in the first place. I just don’t get that at all.

I understand that a plasma television is useless when you have no where to plug it in, but I’d wager that most folks in New Orleans know that and aren’t exactly going into Best Buy to pick up some new CD’s or equipment. Further, when you’ve lost all of your wordly possessions in a matter of days, everything seems valuable. All of these assholes who are calling for the authorities to be able to shoot looters on site can all go straight to hell as far as I’m concerned. It’s so easy to see some pictures and watch some footage and assume that these people are just non-thinking primates who are looking to come up at any cost.

What we’re seeing in New Orleans is akin to what would happen anywhere and to anybody if another disaster occurred. People are watching bodies wade by them in the water. Can you imagine seeing some shit like that?? And we are upset because people are finding food in stores that are not going to miss a loaf of bread??

I guess since we have all these poor black folks down there in New Orleans right now its okay to paint the city as one big mess of savages who are looting and pillaging. There is some set of captioned pictures circulating the internet (spotted via Poplicks) that showed a vast difference in the way the “looters” were being presented. The young black man was looting, but the young white folks merely found some bread and water.

Damn I hate people sometimes.

And what annoys me is how many folks buy into this shit. Like I said, if anybody is jacking Wal-Mart for a digital camera, yeah, they’re looting…mindlessly looting, but looting nonetheless. And yes, that includes police officers as well. Anybody trying to get bread and water is not a looter. That is a person who is trying to live.

I know that not all of the coverage is wrong. The people shooting at “rescuers” and raping women aren’t helping. But I’d wager that a smaller percentage of people are doing those things than are just attempting to survive. But what do you hear on the news right now? And it’s not to say that all news outlets are doing a horrible job. It just seems that the old adage, if it bleeds its a lead is really coming through here in the worst way.

And I don’t know, but it just seems like our government is dragging its feet right now. It’s hard to rescue thousands and thousands of people, but dammit, it’s our governments duty to its citizens. I wish I could be doing more than just donating because it honestly pains me to see whats going on down there. And yet the governemt is moving at a snail’s pace in getting the necessary help down there. We can send shit overseas to help convince Afghans that we’re on their side and do the same for Iraqis…but there are dead bodies mounting and starving men, women, and children scattered throughout a city…in America.

And where is the government? Fuck that, where is Bush? He’s been making “plans” to go visit New Orleans. I’ll do him one better than that. Bush, you don’t need to go…go back to Washington and get everything in order ASAP to help the people in New Orleans, Mississippi, and Alabama. This is the kind of shit that flat out disgusts me.

For the life of me, I’ll never understand the slow response time of the government on anything. I work for the government and the very fuckers who are supposed to be in charge of action in this country. And they’re on vacation right now. Are they coming back early? Yes, but damn, it’s been a few days already. This was action that, in my mind, required immediate attention.

I see people complaining about gas prices all up and down the east coast and yes its expensive but hell, that isn’t even important to me right now. There are kids who have to see family members die in front of them. Hell, the processing center that handles my job’s payroll was in New Orleans. What does that mean?? My next check might be delayed by a week or two while they try to move the facility and get the payroll information up and running. And you know what, that isn’t important either.

I have friends who haven’t located their whole family yet. I can’t even find one of my friends yet. My boy was just able to get in touch with his family. I can’t imagine not being able to get in touch with family members. Those are the scariest days of one’s life.

We basically lost an American city a few days ago that was already in dire need of help.

Now what?

A lot of living people in Louisiana have lost their lives.

And that saddens me immensely.

To the anybody with family in Louisiana, Mississippi, or Alabama, or anybody with family affected by Hurricane Katrina, my prayers go out to you.

Other bloggers with noteworthy opinions:

Ambra Nykol: Chaos All Around

Oliver Wang: It’s About Poverty And Race, Stupid!

D.Young: Pray

***cueing up show theme music, Wyclef Jean’s “Anything Can Happen”***

(applause)

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to welcome you all to another episode of the show “Say What, Say Huh?” My name is Panama “The Most M********’” Jackson and today I’d like to discuss a problem. In fact this problem made me say the two most infamous lines in the black English manual for shit to say when you can’t believe some shit you just heard. I’m talking about the two lines that induce women to break out the vaseline and men to walk around in circles acting like they want to fight but internally hoping that they can just keep talking without throwing a single fist. Yes…THOSE two lines.

What are the two lines???

“Nigga, say what???”

And…

“I WISH a muhfucka would!!!”

What could cause the earth to tremble, waters to part, and stars to fall??

Jesus.

Duh.

But what would make me say those two lines???? None other than a response to a question that was asked by some ghetto ass individual over at Xquizzyt’s site yesterday. The question regarded whether or not shacking up was okay. X, remarked that shacking up was okay, however, the man should pay the rent and the women should cover the utilties. What followed in the comments was an ass melage of nonsense, nincompoopery, and utter gerhumfelshlagen.

And no I have no idea what gerhumfelshlagen means, if anything.

Here’s an excerpt:

“Oh… and never, I repeat, never ever ever ever let a mug live with you that cannot pay the rent. Umm, yeah, in it’s entirety. I don’t believe in women paying rent, or splitting it like you’re fucking roomates. You want to live here? Fine *handing over rent receipt booklet* get to packing nigga. You want me cleaning and cooking and shit, then get to paying the muhfuckin’ rent. I mean you were paying it where you lived before. And you’ll pay it here, just now you’ll get your laundry done, and your food cooked. Yeah, yeah and I’ll pay the utilities, just cuz I’m fair.”-Xquizzyt, August 30, 2005

Umm…nigga, say what???

Let’s discuss this part about not believing in a woman paying rent, or splitting it like you’re fuckin’ roommates.

Ummm…newsflash. YOU ARE FUCKIN’ ROOMMATES. By definition shacking up means you are an unmarried muhfucka living with your boyfriend/girlfriend. With the freedom of society today and the lack of morals you people have (yes I said you people, I’m the most morally sound individual I know…shoot, I don’t smoke!!!) you know folks are having sex. Essentially…you are fucking roommates. Yeah you might love eachother and all that good stuff but facts are facts.

And let’s discuss this “don’t believe” bullmalarkey. Since some women seemed to agree with that non-belief in a woman paying rent I’d like to add some of my beliefs. Mmkay??

Mmkay.

I don’t believe in paying taxes. I think its a fucked up practice established by Starbucks, back when it was called Celestialpence. I also don’t believe in holding open a door for a woman who may or may not say “thank you”. However, by the powers vested in me, I pronounce not doing either of those things as…

…wait for it…

…it’s coming…

…have you been watching Family Guy?…

…it’s really funny…

…FUCKED UP!!!!

It was offered that she’d pay the utilities. Let’s craft an example, shall we?? Yes, let’s.

HIM
Rent: $1000

HER
Cable: $150 (assuming you got that Titanium Package)
Utilities: $50 (I’m all electric)
Phone: $65 (assuming you got some all long distance package or something)
Internet: $35

For all you unmathematically inclined people out there. Him=$1000, HER=$300.

Now, I might have missed a bill here or there since some of you have some shit I’ve never heard of like termite insurance. Fact is, she’s getting WAY over on dude. Not her husband (as many of these issues go away once you tie the knot), but her boyfriend. Somebody even said, he paid for his whole rent before, he can do it now.

Excuse me for a second, but that’s the most non-sensical shit I’ve ever heard.

Hell, she did too. So maybe SHE should be paying for the rent then and let him do the utilities. Further, that whole man as the head of household holds in marriage, when your shacking up…nuh uh.

And let’s just be real here. No amount of cooking and cleaning is going to cover that shit. ESPECIALLY since men are having to do that stuff nowadays TOO!! Women are working a lot nowadays. It’s not even fair to expect a woman to cook and clean and do all that extra shit on her own. Besides, I like washing my own drawz. I got this special formula I use that keeps them extra limber and focused at the exact same time.

When was the last time you heard somebody refer to their underwear as focused?

Somebody said she’d let her man watch a football game or something.

Fellas??? WHAT????? Fellas??? WHAT???

What we gonna do???

WATCH THE GAME!!!

Will we be stopped???

NO WE WON’T!!!

WE WONT…STOP WATCHING THE GAME!!!

WE WONT…STOP WATCHING THE GAME!!!

Need I say more??

Now…let’s get to the second part of this. Essentially, I’d like to clear my throat, and say quite briskly and evocatively…

I WISH a muhfucka would…tell me they ain’t gonna pay half the rent when we ain’t married.

Negro please.

And me saying Negro assumes that I’m going to have a black woman by my side as opposed to say, I don’t know, Mos Def, who just got married to a white Canadian woman. I love me some black women.

Ahem.

The only way I can see this is if there is a severe disparity in our pay at our jobs. If I make $80,000 a year and she makes $40,000, we can discuss it. Key word there motherfuckers…DISCUSS.

You ain’t gonna just look me dead in my eye and tell me that you ain’t gonna pay rent because I’m the man and I’m supposed to do man things…like pay the rent.

[***SIDENOTE AND DISCLAIMER: I'm going to say something offensive right now. Fuck you in advance. I've recently decided that I can't trust somebody that can't look me straight in my eye. I'm sorry, cock-eyededed people, I just cannot trust you. How am I supposed to believe you if I ask you something in confidence and you say I promise while looking off in the distance somewhere intently. How do I even know you're looking at me? You say you are but I don't really have proof do I? Nope, all I can do is wonder...where the hell you are looking. Thank you. Oh yes, kiss my ass if you were offended. Chuuch! If you were offended, let's hug it out bitch! ***]

And don’t even THINK about trying to use that “guest room” defense.

What’s that??

Oh it’s that notion that the woman will make the man go sleep in the guest room, or second bedroom, since he wants to act like they’re roommates. Once again…I WISH a muhfucka would.

See, this is the most shortsighted shit ever. Women work under the assumption that men have no willpower. My response??

Try me, nigga.

No really, try me.

Assume that threatening to send me to the guest room will make me come to my senses. I’ll be the happiest negro on earth sitting up in there reading comic books, watching videos, and eating bon bons while you wonder why I haven’t come back begging to get into your good graces.

Bottom line here is this; assuming that a man SHOULD pay the entire rent because he is the man is ludicrous. We shall not be moved.

But, as a bonus, to the women who try this and think its a good idea, I’m going to let you know the third saying that usually ends up being involved in these type of situations.

Ready??

Cool.

The third saying in the black English manual of shit that you say when somebody says some shit that you can’t believe like telling a grown ass black man that he must pay the rent and you pay $300 bucks a month is this…

“You must got me fucked up!”

Thank you and tune in next time for another episode of…

THE SAY WHAT? SHOW!!!

(applause)

This show was sponsored by Negroes With Sense, a 501(c)(3) organization intended to instill sense back into the black community. Our goal is to make sure that black people everywhere are working under rational thought.

We are failing right now.

I decided that though I have lots on my mind right about now, I feel like just randomly putting down whatevers in my brain. This could be the most dumberest thing I ever write, or it could be the most poetic display of pure passion.

Okay, not really the last one. But, I’m sexxier than you…what I say is law.

Got beef??

On to the randomnosity:

-I think M-A-Dollar Sign-E is going to hell. So let me get this right. You decide that you want to preach so you quit rapping. THEN you say that God told you to rap again so you come out with the most gay ass shit EVER on record (and yes I may join Murda Mase in hell for using profanity in the same sentence with God, however, Kanye does it and gets nominated for a Gospel Award so kiss my ass, Amen)and THEN since you’re shit TANKED like that shit the folks were looking for in Hunt for Red October, YOU DECIDE TO SIGN TO G-UNIT.

Mase, God is not happy with you right now.

I know this because I stopped Jesus while he was out walking with Kanye and asked him.

-Speaking of G-Unit…

***I MUST OFFER A PUBLIC APOLOGY FOR WHAT I’M ABOUT TO DIVULGE. HATE IT OR LOVE IT, I’M SORRY.***

…I purchased and read 50 Cent’s book.

I’m sorry.

Sike-a-boo-boo.

That shit is a page turner like a mug. I must say, if you told me tomorrow he made up 80 percent of the shit in that book, I’d believe you. But its some great fictitious non-fiction. I can see why he’s making a movie. Shit, I’ll be right up in line trying to see it too after reading the book. And it took me all of 2 and a half hours. That’s how into I was. Honestly, for some entertaining ass non-sense, check out his book.

-Suge Knight got shot in the leg at a club in Miami allegedly by a nigga in a pink shirt. There’s a joke in there somewhere. All I know is that the next time a muhfucka looks at me sideways for wearing a pink shirt, I’m going to inform him that a nigga in pink shot Suge Knight. In the realm of gangsta shit to do, that ranks up there with dangling a nigga from balcony for asking to see your books to check his royalties.

-Suge got shot continued. So apparently the dude that shot Suge (if he didn’t do it himself since apparently one story has him accidentally shooting himself in the leg) is still at large. I don’t know about you, but I think he’s going to stay at large. Largely dead. You don’t just shoot Suge Knight and expect to be cool the next day. My guess is the dude that shot Suge will never be found…ever. Or, they’ll find him in the same place they find Tupac.

-Did I mention he got shot at a Kanye West party??

-Dr. Dre’s The Chronic album is STILL one of the best pieces of music EVER. I’ve been bumping that album for the past few days and it still hasn’t gotten old, 12 years later. Dr. Dre on the other hand has.

-Gas prices suck ass…the fact that they are expected to INCREASE because of Hurricane Katrina makes me want to kick geckos and vacuum the desert.

-I’m trying to take a trip somewhere on Columbus Day Weekend? Any suggestions?

-Lots of folks hate on Tyrese, but in the movie Four Brothers, that was my man hunnid grand. It’s amazing how a role in a movie can make somebody a fan of somebody they absolutely hated, isn’t it. Marketing and propoganda are the downfall of society. Not coffee mugs.

For the record, I’ve been a Tyrese fan so I’m not talking about myself there.

-I actually think society’s downfall will come from a monkey, a tube of toothpaste, some speakerwire, and a short white man with a lisp. I have nothing to base this upon, nor any idea how it might happen. However, after consulting with Nastradamous and watching back episodes of MacGuyver, anything is possible.

-Speaking of anything being possible, wasn’t Wyclef Jean’s The Carnival a great damn album?? Say what say what…anything can happen. I half expected Wyclef to perform at the VMA’s considering that Sean “Puffy” Combs kept saying that anything could happen. I was however, not expecting to see Hammer.

-Hammer just can’t move like he used to. That almost hurt. However, seeing how folks still LOVE Hammer, evidenced by the complete and total focus of every person over 20 in the audience, makes me believe that Hammer might not hurt ‘em, but he still keeps ‘em in the mix. It was a proud moment for all persons who actually had a MC Hammer action figure back in the day, and more than one pair of Hammer pants.

-Next time you get into a slight verbal altercation with somebody, just use Jeremy Piven’s line from “Entourage” and watch the reactions…it totally always lightens the mood. The line, “let’s hug it out bitch.”

-McDonald’s has seriously stepped up their chicken sandwich game. So much so I’m not totally against the notion that there is some kind of crack by-product lacing all of their chicken sandwiches now. Think about that shit, they’ve sold billions of burgers, and it ain’t like its good for you, but folks keep going back.

Like crack.

-The game Oodles is addictive.

-Unlike ugly women.

-That wasn’t nice; ugly men too.

-I saw an old white woman walking down the street yelling early this morning. At first I thought she had Tourret’s or something. Turns out she was freestyling. It’s official, everybody is a rapper now. Best line I heard, “I chew Dentyne with Dentures and throw on my Depends/and i’m still racking in social security dividends.” That shit right there, classic.

-You know you’re getting old when you look at a pair of Jordan’s in a store, see the $130 price tag, get offended, and vow to never spend that much money on a pair of shoes again. This coming from the guy who used to buy a brand new pair of Butter Tim’s every 6 months, and has purchased two pair of $150 shoes on the same day. Sometimes, I scare myself.

-Actually, that’s not really true since nowadays I’m only wearing Chuck Taylor’s and this one pair of Puma’s I love. I think I’m going to issue a challenge to myself. No gratuitous purchases for the month of September.

-Methinks I’m going to fail my challenge.

-Methinks I have no idea what I’m talking about.

-Methinks I’m still the sexxiest muhfucka ever.

-Speaking of being sexxy, I was teaching some classes this summer on Statistics and Economics and after hearing me say how sexxy I was for the umpteenth time, well, my students made me a shirt that says “I Am Sexxy” with my picture on the front.

I almost shed a tear. Hands down, one of the best and most appropriate presents ever.

-Hands down, I’m just babbling.

I quit.

[***This right here is another Panama-length post (roughly 1,500 words). That Panama cat needs to quit being so damn longwinded.***]

****FOR YOUR LISTENING PLEASURE…GO VISIT WJGT RADIO TO HEAR (IT AIN’T AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD). IT’S OVER THERE ON THE RIGHT UNDER WJGT RADIO, GRADUATE.****

First and foremost, I like Kanye. I’m a fan of his music.

Whew…glad I got that out of the way.

So apparently I’m a reactionary by nature. I tend to feel the need to respond to things or offer my take after reading or hearing opinions that totally throw me for a loop. Hell, that’s the reason I reviewed John Legend’s album. I had to stop myself, nearly daily, from reviewing Common’s Be album, though that was mostly because I assumed I picked up a different version of the album than did everybody else, since mine wasn’t a classic and apparently everybody else’s was. And it doesn’t make sense to review a different version than everybody else.

And for the record, my version (which had the exact same tracklisting…must have been a problem at Best Buy that day) was more like a 3.5/4 out of 5 stars, or more like a XL, not a XXL…unlike other publications and shit.

The trend of Kanye related projects for which I must proffer an opinion continues with his newest (August 30, 2005) release, Late Registration. And let’s get STRAIGHT to the punch…this album is just…

…okay.

Now apparently the buzz surrounding this album has it being lauded as potentially the best album of the year, and some great pop album (which is closer to the truth than it isn’t), or even as good as The College Dropout.

Umm…it’s not any of those things.

Let me put this out there again, I’m a fan of Kanye’s music.

I think as a person he’s an asshole who thinks he’s WAY more important than he might be, however, he knows that and is okay with it, so who am I to judge. Ironically, that same assholishness gets lauded by people as him being so honest and open and willing to express himself. Even in the Time Magazine blowjob, excuse me…article, they discussed how his dual, hypocritical nature is what draws everybody to him.

But I guess some say potato and others say umguferschlagen.

Once again, I’m a Kanye West fan.

I guess by now I should actually get to the album, huh?

Cool.

My overall reflection of the album is this: this album has some well produced (musically) tracks that won’t have you wanting to hear them OVER AND OVER. As of right now, there are only two tracks on this album that I have had on repeat. The track “Gone” featuring Cam’ron and Consequence, and the bonus track “Late.”
“Gone” is a perfect Cam’ron beat…real flightly and quick paced which allows Cam to do his stoccato rap thing which is always entertaining. In fact, it’s one of the most entertaining all around tracks on the album. “Late” sounds like a RZA throwback (with better sound quality) as its just a looped sample that doesn’t sound chopped or anything. Here, Kanye discusses how he ended up successful and the trials and tribulations he went thru early on due to his being late or constantly waiting for shit.

Other standout tracks that I don’t necessarily have to listen to ever again are, “Testify”, the Just Blaze produced (umm…huh??) track that is loud and hornfilled like every other Just Blaze track where Kanye does what he does best…talks about himself struggling to make it in the game and still being successful anyway. In fact, that seems to be one of Kanye’s favorite topics.

And yes, he mentions being in that accident…again. On this song.

No really, I’m a fan.

“Crack Music” featuring the Game is another joint worth listening to at least once. Wait, to say featuring The Game would imply that Game actually has a verse as opposed to just a chorus. Let me just say, that is a crime. To have Game on your album and just give him a chorus?? It doesn’t help that the song feels like an undeveloped thought either, but the beat is good enough.

This is getting long…other standouts, “Gold Digger”, “Diamonds from Sierra Leone”, “Bring Me Down” featuring Brandy (where he talks about struggling and being successful…again)

So let’s talk about what’s wrong with this album and why it isn’t as great as its being lauded. Shall we?? Yes, let’s.

First off, the production is good as far as musicality (if that’s a word) goes. It’s Kanye, he isn’t putting his name on any garbage. However, that doesn’t mean that the actual music is that great. There are some beats I just think suck. And I’m talking about “Hookers At the Point” kind of suck, too. But they sound good sucking!!!

For instance, the ass melage that is “We Major”. My goodness. And I give a shit that folks actually love this joint. Sometimes I think we have far too much appreciation for different…cuz sometimes, shit just sucks no matter how innovative it is.

“We Major”=Shit.

Period.

Did I mention I like Kanye?

“Roses” is a song he talks about his grandmother passing in the hospital. Umm…that’s all well and good and I’m sorry to hear that, but the beat is garbage and with lines like, “we got so many aunties we could have an auntie team”…

…well I just want to slap him with a battery and some fluffy white slippers.

“Drive Slow” featuring Paul Wall and GLC is just boring to me. And Kanye’s verse is, how do you say this in English…POINTLESS. Paul Wall is Paul Wall (and “Sittin’ Sidewayz” is my shit). And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

Can we take a tangent right quick? Even if you say no, we’re going to take a tangent.

I know people keep praising Kanye as this man about social issues and shit and as a man with something to say about society but sometimes shit just sounds a tad…forced. For instance…how many muhfuckas REALLY believe that when he came up with “Diamonds” (the original version) he was thinking about some damn conflict diamonds??

Not I.

Bumaya Kanye!! Bumaya Kanye!!!

I think it came up later and he shot a video and recorded another version to talk about it, but umm…no. Same thing with “Crack Music”. I see what he was trying to do but it seems like he tried a little too hard and it didn’t quite work out. On second thought, I’m listening to it right now and I honestly don’t know what he was trying to do. All I know is that, “it’s that crack music, nigga…that real black music, nigga.” I’m sure somebody will tell me the point of that shit…I mean I like it anyway, I’m just saying.

This brings up something else…Kanye ain’t exactly the best rapper out there. I’m not saying he isn’t good, he’s good at what he does. He’s more of a presence than he is a lyricist, which says a lot since many rappers can rap but you’d rather listen to air than them.

Oh yes, Kanye has a track dedicated to his mother called, “Hey Mama”. I’d like to put a moratorium out on all rappers doing songs dedicated to their mother. Tupac ruined it for all of you. Not that it’s even bad…it’s just not “Dear Mama.” And it’s not his fault that it isn’t as compelling.

It’s George Bush’s fault.

But that’s neither here nor there.

The fact here is that this album isn’t nearly as good as The College Dropout. Now I know its not fair to compare it to his last album, so I won’t. I will, however, compare him to the quality he’s put out since he came on the scene. And it doesn’t quite measure up. And I blame Kanye for that. He has consistently put out music worth listening to on repeat since 2001 (The Blueprint). Most things he’s had his name attached too have been better than average and his production has been damn near stellar. Though I don’t think Common’s album was classic, it doesn’t take away from the fact that the song “Be”, or “Faithful”, or “They Say” weren’t some of the best damn beats in years. And yes, I stand by that statement.

Go Kanye…it’s ya birthday!!!!

Maybe I’ll keep listening and the album will grow on me, but for now, I’m just not impressed and I was expecting to be.

To the legions of people who will undoubtedly love this album (and there will be legions) and think I’m a hater because I’m not feeling it as much as you will…

…fuck you.

It’s still worth picking up.

Panama’s Rating: 3.5/5 Pimpslaps

GO GET LATE REGISTRATION…AUGUST 30, 2005.

Kanye West-Late Registration
Official Tracklisting

1. Wake Up Mr. West (:41)
2. Heard ‘Em Say featuring Adam Levine of Maroon 5 (3:24)
3. Touch The Sky featuring Lupe Fiasco (3:56)
4. Gold Digger featuring Jamie Foxx (3:27)
5. Skit #1 (:33)
6. Drive Slow featuring Paul Wall & GLC (4:32)
7. My Way Home featuring Common (1:43)
8. Crack Music featuring Game (4:31)
9. Roses (4:05)
10. Bring Me Down featuring Brandy (3:19)
11. Addiction (4:27)
12. Skit #2 (:31)
13. Diamonds From Sierra Leone (Remix) featuring Jay-Z (3:53)
14. We Major featuring Nas & Really Doe (7:28)
15. Skit #3 (:24)
16. Hey Mama (5:05)
17. Celebration (3:18)
18. Skit #4 (1:19)
19. Gone featuring Consequence & Cam’Ron (5:33)
20. **BONUS TRACK**Diamonds From Sierra Leone (3:58)
21. **HIDDEN TRACK** Late (3:50)