Although we’ve come…to the end of the road, vote bitch!

Welcome to championship Monday.

Are you ready for some EXPLOITATION???!??!?!?!?!!?

Hi, I’m Panama Jackson. We at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises and The Royal Youngs would like to thank all who have voted and participated in the democratic process that is…

[***Sidenote: Have you seen 50 Cent's new video for "Window Shopper"? I'll admit I like the song. Anyway, why does Mase look SO damn retarded in that video. And I don't mean that in the retarded=goofy way, I mean that in the literal sense of the word. Special Olympics style. You know, I'm honestly starting to wonder about his mental capacity. He's intentionally rebuking God's work by signing with The Devil himself (evidenced by a recent MTV article where 50 actually admitted that he requested that Mase "sacrfiice" in order to sell records.) Garden of Eden anyone?? Either way, I need Mase to just fall off a cliff right about now...and land on a No. 2 pencil. God just can't REALLY be pleased with him right now. Of course, I might join him in hell for my special olympics comment, however, I've accepted that so fuck you. Thanks. ***]

…October Madness 2005, where we’ve scientifically and TOTALLY objectively narrowed down 32 women to what we currently have, 2 women competing for the most bangin’-ist browin skinnededed woman of 2005. It’s been a long road and yet it’s a road we’ve taken unreluctantly, which is something like willingly, however, just saying willingly would cause you to take for granted the fact that I like to make up words or cause shit to be unnormal, which is like saying different. Different is the same thing as unstatusquo, which isn’t a word at all. In fact, fuck it, from here on out, only words that arne’t unabnormal.

How sexxy am I??

That sexxy.

There is one administrative note to mention here. As myself and the a.n.d.y. hadn’t totally thought out every facet of our groundbreakingly innovative and trendsetting tournament (jock ourselves much?), we’ve realized at various points that we don’t know what we’re doing. For instance, about two weeks ago we realized that for the championship round of the tournament we had no idea how we were going to pit the lovely ladies against one another. Being the pure geniuses that we are (speaking of which, genuis loves company) we’ve decided that I’m if you want the lady I write up to win, you just vote over here, and if you want the lovely beauty that the a.n.d.y. profiles to win, you vote over there.

And for you lazy fuckers out there, that means you actually have to GO to the other site. I’ll make it easy for you. Click right here to go the a.n.d.y.’s site to check out who won from his brackets.

Speaking of Genius Loves Company, isn’t the Ludacris and Field Mob song, “Georgia” ridiculously gotdamn great?? You can be honest here…you wish you had a song about your state. Let me rephrase that, you wish you had a song from your state that was actually GOOD as opposed to some shit like “New York” by Fat Joe and everybody else 50 hates.

Georgia…Georrrrrrrrrrrrrrgia….

And if you were unable to make the connections between Genius Loves Company and the Luda/Field Mob song, well, may God have mercy on your soul…and go die.

So!

Without further ado, allow me to introduce you to the one of the finalists for October Madness 2005, from the Jayne Kennedy Bracket, she’s bangin, brownskinned, and bootiful (like fo’ reely), might I introduce…

…(1) KENYA MOORE!!!! def. (4) Nona Gaye 24-9

*screams and hushed yells and toadstools and olives*

[***Another Sidenote: I just got finished watching the first episode of The Boondocks. I'm not totally sold on it yet. That hurts me deeply. I wanted to love this like a fat kid loves cake, but Regina King's voice as Huey and Riley sucks more than two hoes in Hunt's Point. Being as The Boondocks is one of my favorite things in life right now, this is not a good look. I can only hope it gets better. Pray for me! ***]

I’ve damn near exhausted every picture of Kenya Moore to this point, so I’m just going to rehash the old ones. Don’t blame me that we’ve been using 4 and 5 pictures at a time. Blame Bush…

…he doesn’t care about black people.

There you have her, the Queen herself, Kenya Moore. All women, all gorgeous. Forgive her, for she knows not what movies to sign on for, however, she maintains her bangin’ness despite the odds.

Kenya, Kenya, you’re so sweet…sometimes your ass just hypnotizes me. As you can see, I’ve exhausted everything there is to say about her to this point.

Panama’s Pick: Halle Berry (dog…it’s Halle)
Panama’s Prediction: Kenya Moore

a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Kenya Moore
a.n.d.y.’s Prediction: Halle Berry

****

Vote or Die, bitches…vote or die! To vote for Kenya Moore, place your vote/comment/gripe/checking account number, in the comments here. To vote for Halle Berry, go to the a.n.d.y.’s site and place your vote in his comments. We need your help. You too can make a difference in the lives of one woman and one child today by making his wildest dreams come true. There are kids in Slovakia right now who love Kenya Moore and wish her to have this one thing before they die. Always remember…

…I am Malcolm X.

Oh yeah, the Alamo too.

*cueing up tournament theme music, Willie Hutch “I Choose You”*

We’ve arrived!!

Finally, after a few weeks, we’ve finally reached the:

OCTOBER (INTO NOVEMBER) MADNESS 2005′S FINAL FOUR BITCHES!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the most important vote of your life. Two young ladies from very different walks of life have come together to battle it out; on this November 4, 2005, the victorious vixens from the Jayne Kennedy and Vanity brackets will compete for a chance to go head to head against the winner of the Pam Grier/Tamara Dobson Bracket winner. There has been no bigger day in voting history. In fact, this monumental day might be the most important day in the history of this country. Bigger than July 4, 1776; bigger than June 3, 1979; bigger than the addition of 2, 8, 12, 19, and 31. Go on ahead, add up those numbers and see what you get. You’ll know when you’re done. We are THAT live and yes, it’s that big.

I, Panama Jackson of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises, and the Imperial D.Young AKA the a.n.d.y. of The Royal Youngs, have done everything that we could to bring you the best in home exploitation, entertainment, and excavation! Yes people, excavation, for we have dug up pictures upon pictures of the most lovely damsels south of the North Pole and north of the South Pole; east of West and west of East. Hell, we’ve gone up on the down stroke and leaned back. We’ve fallen up, and tuned into the love below. We’ve even gone front, back, and side to side.

Nigga, we are funkentelechy!!!

Basically, if you’ve heard of it, we’ve been there.

What started out as thoughts of young men from the wheat fields of Smallville has morphed into every man’s exploitative fantasy, and I for one…am proud. There is this notion floating around that exploitation is bad. Pishtosh and fiddlesticks…we exploit everyday of our lives. Our bosses exploit our gifts for their climb up the corporate ladder…parents exploit kids fresh legs by having them run down stairs to get water…and me and the a.n.d.y. are exploiting the finer qualities of women we love and admire from afar by putting them on display so that every man and woman, child and squirrel, may enjoy, celebrate, and appreciate. Yes, America (and any other countrypeople reading this) we are doing a service…a good service, hell, one might call us commerce…

…yes we are commerce. And our currency is happiness.

Our happiness has spawned not only the democratic process in its truest, purest form; it has also invited others to join in causing the creation of the one, the only Gat Dayum Tournament, where the lovely ladies, Xquizzyt1 and the Wise Diva (through a joint partnership with Kendall Meeks) have put male exploitation on 1 Front Street as well. Happiness knows no bounds.

Smoke some weed, hug a tree, don’t you want to be happy with me??

By the way, the number 72 really doesn’t stand for anything for all those that actually summed up those numbers.

With that said, let the ass ogling and fatback transac-tions commence and transcend as we welcome the winners from both the Jayne Kennedy and Vanity Brackets!!!

And for the record, I be on it all night man I be on it, all day straight up pimp if you want me you can find me in the…

…A…A…A…A…A…A!!!!

And that A would be Atlanta, GA for those not in the know.

Westside of the A to be exact…check ya facts, gangsta!

I really just felt like shouting out Atlanta…that’s where we be on that Kryptonite, straight up on that Kryptonite!

And in honor to Rosa Parks and civil rights everywhere, I’d like to give a shout out to my old street in Atlanta, Martin Luther Tha Kiing Blvd, SW!!!

And no, this has nothing to do with the tourney.

However, when you are the sexxiest muhfucka this side of the Pacific, you can just do things like that. Hell you can proclaim that life is hard when you wake up everyday as the Most Muhfuckin’.

It’s so hard to be this good at doing great things.

I think that just became my new slogan.

See??

On to the tourney…

The potential Queens to be, Soulglo and all are as follows.

From the Jayne Kennedy Bracket is:

(1) Kenya Moore def. (2) Stacey Dash by an asswhuppin’ 19-9

No matter what y’all do, you never gonna stop my flow
Producer, rapper, CEO (uh-huh)
Sometimes I just sit down and think
Might have a long drink, rock my long mink
How you gonna hold me, you don’t even know me (uh-uh)
Platinum or gold, I get it sold (that’s right)
All I wanna do is see you dancin and clappin
singin and rappin, makin it happen
Keep it scorchin, more often
Tryin to leave Justin a fortune, Bad Boy
You hear what the prefix is (yeah)
I get chips to breathe on remixes (uh)
Catch me at the bar with three misses (yeah yeah)
in the Benz that I still never drove got deep dishes (ahahah)
Playa haters, how you like me now? (how you like me?)
Bartender, hit my team with another round
See what we have, is a brand new sound
That’s why nobody can’t hold me down
-Puffy, “Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down”

In the Vanity Bracket, the winner is:

(4) Nona Gaye def. (6) Nia Long, 23-13 a spanking considering it’s Nia Long

I’ma sucka for corn rows and manicured toes (hey)
Fendi capri pants and Parasuco’s (alright)
High saddity and city, with one or two clothes
I’m draftin ‘em outta high school straight into the pros
Who knows? I know!
And I love it when you make your knees touch your elbows
And break it down low to the flo’, and there you go
Now throw it on me slow
And everytime I +Busta Rhyme+, baby “Gimme Some Mo’”
You say you like that, when I hit it from behind
And I’ll be right back; yeah that’s my very next line
I use it - time after time, when I’m speakin my mind
It’s no matter if I’m shootin game to a pigeon or dime
I ask her, “Who dat is, talkin that shit about the ‘tics?”
Somebody probably jealous cause they bitch got hit
But ain’t nobody else droppin shit like this
Should we apologize? Nah fuck ‘em, just leave ‘em pissed, HEY!
-Nelly, “E.I.”

Panama’s Pick: Nona Gaye
Panama’s Prediction: Kenya Moore

a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Kenya Moore
a.n.d.y.’s Prediction: Kenya Moore

And if you’re wondering why I picked two shitty ass verses by two shitty ass rappers it’s because I really just have nothing left to say about the lovely ladies. It’s all been said, it’s all been spoken…now go vote bitch!!!

After you vote here, make sure you head over to the a.n.d.y.’s site to vote for the winner from the explosive Pam Grier vs. Tamara Dobson Catfight. Meow! And come back Monday as we crown 2005’s Queen To Be…

Vote or Die Bitches…Vote or Die!!!!

Black Star Power???

Yes…I watched it too.

Watched what you ask?? The BET 25 Strong show on BET, sponsored by BET full of accollades for Bob Johnson and BET featuring tributes to most of the BET shows in some miniscule fashion…though Uncut was mysteriously missing from the shows that were discussed. Or maybe I missed it. I fell asleep during the Gospel segment as not to disturb the balance of normalcy that usually occurs on BET during regular viewings of gospel programming. You know, NOBODY watches BET on Sunday during the Gospel shows/spankings/cleansings anyway, so why should I?

Actually the damn show was just too long for me but who’s counting?!

I know, this type of thing usually goes against my very being but it was impossible for me not to watch when I was promised a performance by New Edition AND Bobby Brown. I mean, it’s New Edition. How can you just not watch a New Edition performance? In my life there are certain things I just look forward to…performances by New Edition, being age 67 ( I originally had 85 here but I realized that despite genetic mixings, I’m still a black man so reaching 85 seems outside of the realm of my possibility…hell I think I deserve a parade for making it to 26, you know with all the crime, drugs, and education out there killing off young black men at astronomical rates…honestly, I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore) so I can pretend to be a senile dirty old man and be excused because I’m an old fogey, and Texas sized Frozen Margarita’s from Dallas BBQ in New York.

With that said, I owe BET an apology. Now don’t misunderstand what I’m about to say, I’m not extending an olive branch to Big Bubba Bob Johnson or the most ignant network on television, I’m just able to recognize times when I’m unable to objectively and fairly (similar to Fox News or peoples reaction to Ashanti ) participate or observe something. Therefore, on this day, I apologize to BET for the fact that I can’t watch anything on that station without expecting it to be the most bootleg, horribly presented, asstastic melage of dumbfuckery. That is just not fair of me. Even on the BET Awards, which was much better than I expected it to be, I spent the whole show waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hell, I’m STILL waiting for the rumors to surface that MTV Networks put the whole show together with a guy named Ylsi and one of the Teletubbies.

Either way, a muhfucka apologize.

On a more random note, how funny would it be to see this t-shirt: BET doesn’t care about black people? Really…

Seeing this show was somewhat eye opening for me, and that’s not in a good way either. This special show put on blast the way that BET has devolved over its history. In it’s infancy, the 1980-1985 years, they were building and attempting to get themsevles off of the ground so of course it wasn’t so easy to become this network where Black issues and needs were totally met. But then again, they had Video Soul, and Donnie Simpson is still one of the coolest cats out there, though his radio show on WPGC in Washington, DC, is about the second most boring morning show in America, right after The Broccoli and Cauliflower Show…and I made that one up.

Hmm…isn’t that cruel and unusal punishment…to put both broccoli AND cauliflower on a kids plate? I stand by this and will until the day I die. Vegetables should not be white. Is it discrimination? Damn straight, but this is just another way that imperialism and colonialism rears its ugly head. Standard veggies are green, yellow, or orange…white isn’t even a color that matches those well. When I have children, if they say they don’t want cauliflower and they make mention that it’s because it’s white, I’m taking them to Disney land AND doing their homework for a year.

Down with Cauliflower!

Back to the show…at one point, BET really hit a stride with postive, necessary, and thought provoking programming. It seems that between having Lead Story with Ed Gordon, Teen Summit, anything Tavis Smiley was on, and various other notable educational programming, BET was really a place where black folks could go to essentially find out how the black community was doing….and even better, find varying opinions on where we needed to go. And I’m not even including the actual REGULAR news programs that actually broadcasted news, on time. Which spawned this convo amongst me and one of my friends.

Panama: Dude, they were even late on September 11th!!

The Great: Hell yeah, they were just straight showing videos all day long like nothing was going on.

Panama: Then showing up on September 12th Nighlly News talkin’ bout, y’all niggas hear about what happened yesterday?? Oh you did…cool…cue up some more videos!!

It even dawned on me why this years Millions More Movement wasn’t 1/10th of the success of the original Million Man March…it lacked the vehicle to truly get the message out that this was necessary and bring on the leaders to speak to the multitudes of people and create the sense of urgency that exited in 1995. In 1995, BET was that vehicle and it reflected the times and allowed different leaders and voices on to speak. Currently, there isn’t even a show on BET that would fit that format. Further evidenced by the fact that in attempts to bring on somebody of (questionable) educational merit…

…they put Michael Eric Dyson on Rap City.

I guess 106&Park was packed that day.

It also warrants mentioning somewhere that I’m with Jay-Z on this one, Rachel was like the number one BET crush from back in the day.

So yes, I am blaming BET for dropping the ball on the Millions More Movement. Actually, they didn’t drop the ball, I don’t think they cared.

It really is a shame how far BET has fallen. Being apart of this show should have woken up the numerous executives and writers and producers and made them realize, “Damn, we really used to be the vehicle for the black community and for disseminating positive information…now the only shit people think of when they think of BET is UnCut. Maybe we should do something about that!” I quit watching BET a while ago because truthfully, there wasn’t anything I could get on BET that I couldn’t get from MTV or vh1 or talking to 4 year olds. But like I’ve said before, I still kind of think BET can turn it around if they just take a look at what they used to be and compare it to what they are now. Big business can be a bitch I suppose because if I’m not mistaken, they dropped Ed Gordon’s show because it costed too much to produce…which is a shame because the set was horrible.

Which brings me to why I watched the show, New Edition…and I won’t say shit about Earth, Wind, and Fire…mostly because, there just isn’t any need. New Edition on the other hand…well that was the saddest and happiest shit ever. Watching them get up there and dance like in the good ole days was great. Shit just made me happy. Until…

…they started singing. Good got damn. Them niggas were straaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaining something awful. Even Johnny Gill, the one nigga that could REALLY sing sounded like pure d shit. And yes, I know Ricky could sing too…but Johnny was one of them church boy sangers. Not last night…God was upset. I appreciated seeing them though but nobody could honestly say they sounded good, they just lookeded good. Except for Bobby Brown who could never really sing in the first place….so he sounded just fine. However, I was just happy to see them all up there together, so long live New Edition.

What can I say about R. Kelly?? Except that I’m amazed the pass he’s received and how much folks love him…but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t put on a good show. Shit had me singing along too.

I’m a sheep. Baaaah.

What didn’t amaze me was George Clinton looking like a homeless Santat Claus reject who just received some clean clothes. I will admit, Bob Johnson and BET’s earlier formats did a lot for black entertainment and the community and it was good to see folks get up there and thank him for that, even Usher’s dumb talking about how folks saw his money, then his respect…then saw his money and respect…lots of people did. Talk about fuckin’ up…I almost think he and Kanye need to do an album together entitled, “We Bigger Than You…Enjoy Us While We Here…Cuz One Day We’ll Be Gone…Then What Niggas?? You Love Us…Yes You Do…Worship Us…”

Or something slighly shorter.

Overall, it was an alright show up until I fell asleep. Nothing about the show offended me except seeing the past and how far we’ve gotten away from it.

And oh yeah, them niggas taking credit for In Living Color somehow…that I just didn’t get.

All in all, BET had a good run, up until about 2000, but I still think it can turn it around, if they just remember…

…the way we were.

Honestly, was that not the corniest ending closing statement ever??

****

Make sure you continue voting in the October Madness Tournament, at the Pam Grier, Tamara Dobson, Jayne Kennedy, and Vanity brackets.

Vote or die, niggas…vote or die!

*cueing up tournament theme song Willie Hutch’s “I Choose You”*

Welcome back to day 2 of the Elite 8 here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises. Apparently, Jay and Nas have reconciled, but that hasn’t stopped Kenya Moore from whipping Stacey Dash’s ass like she stole her lollipop, man, and conflict diamond. Call your homies, lovers, and friends and tell them to come vote in today’s Tamara Dobson Bracket (as well as in Friday’s Jayne Kennedy bracket), and then head over to the a.n.d.y.’s site to vote for both the Pam Grier and Vanity brackets. You all have until Thursday to vote and then it’s the…

*drumroll*

FINAL FOUR, BITCHES!!!!

And one step closer to crowning our Queen…who we will have bequeathed through the Democratic process. We have made our forefathers proud.

We, the people, my people, black, white, brown, yellow, purple, blurple, mocha, fuscia (you get the picture), it’s not a game…it’s a tournament!

Seeing as this tournament is exploitation at its finest (which has been pointed out to me on IM, through email, and through one very disgruntled phone call from somebody I don’t know who happened to pull my number off of the We The Voices website…hmm…methinks I shouldn’t have just said that my number is available on the We The Voices website…in fact, un-read what you just read), I’ve decided to finally give the tournament some theme music. Seriously, what exploitative practice doesn’t have theme music? In honor of one of the best movies to come out of the blaxploitation era (even though I don’t necessarily feel like this movie is blaxploitation), I’ve put “The Mack” soundtrack up on the radio blog for all to partake (and as usual, for some reason it has the songs in reverse order, so “Vampin’” is the first song and “Brotha’s Gonna Work It Out” is the last song on the soundtrack).

Public Service Announcement: The Mack, the movie that brought Max Julien to the forefront of black cinema…and left his ass there in 1973, is one of the pre-eminent movies of the 1970’s. The fact that it’s downright horribly comedic and does indeed have a message should not blur one from realizing that some of the most common themes and sayings of todays pimpin’ culture come from this very movie. In fact, the now infamous line, “don’t be mad…yo’ bitch chose me”, comes from this movie. The next time you are out perusing the shady side of town and see a pimp lose one of his hoes, listen carefully, as the victorious pimp will undoubtedly utter that line. You will be able to find solace in the fact that though there is prostitution going on, and the young ho is probably no older than 15, that you share a connection with the pimp because you both have seen…The Mack. Thank you.

The theme song for the tournament (about 3 weeks too late) is also featured on the radio blog courtesy of The Mack soundtrack. It is “I Choose You.” Listen and vote to the luscious sounds of pimpin’ gone wild.

On Friday, I created small poems to showcase my thoughts on the particular women. Well, today, to be a little bit more creative, and seeing as how my computer is sitting right in the middle of my “office” and I have my CD’s stacked all around me, I’m going to grab a few CD’s and write up the ladies using titles of the songs from whatever CD’s I pick up. This will either be ridiculously fun or totally stupid. I’m guessing the latter, but we will see.

With that said, let us get our minds and hearts ready for…are you ready?…I don’t think you are…if you aren’t it’s okay…just tell me that you aren’t…okay, I’m just funnin’ you…no really, I am…aww fiddlesticks…now is time for the…

Tamara Dobson Bracket

With yo’ fine ass that whipped some ass, Tamara Dobson, we salute you for your endeavors to make sure that black women got a chance to act everywhere. You don’t get the credit but Halle Berry wouldn’t have won the Oscar if women like you didn’t pave the way…or not. Either way, you are appreciated like Afeni Shakur.

(1) Halle Berry (waxed Zoe Saldana’s ass 32-9) vs. (2) Claudette Ortiz (won by the hair on her chinny chin chinn over Tyra Banks, 22-19)

Halle Berry

CD I PIcked UP: Ice Cube Amerikkka’s Most Wanted (oh hell…)
Song titles or versions of songs titles are italicized

America’s Most Halle

Halle Halle Halle…you are the nigga they love to hate. Some people think you’d be better off dead, but you are still this gangsta’s fairytale (I’m the gangsta by the way). They say it’s a man’s world, but we all know that once upon a time in the projects, where there were drive-by’s, that you were the bomb. Fact is, they just can’t fade you Halle…they just can’t. Sometimes, I know you’re out, and dude’s be sweating you and you want to say to them, “tell yo bitch to come here” and then tell her to “get off your dick.” And I for one think that you should. Shit, they want to know, who’s the mack?? You are Halle…you are. In fact, to all them other muhfuckas that think they can hold you…I just got one question, what they hittin’ foe? Cuz we all know, YOU…Halle Berry…

…are America’s Most Wanted!

Claudette Ortiz

CD I Picked Up: Kriss Kro…er, um…Janet Jackson Control
Song titles or versions of songs titles are italicized

Control Claudette…Control

My dearest Claudette Ortiz, when I think of you…I just get nasty thoughts. Honestly girl, you can be mine. No questions asked. Just let me know. I know a lot of people might say, “Claudette, what you done for me lately?” True, you really haven’t done shit since City High, and the jury’s still out on whether or not that was a good look or not. However, seeing your ass and nice caramel complexion, well, you you can run my high school and be my pleasure Principle any day. And yes, I know I used that wrong, but damn…that’s just what you do to me. And I ain’t all about that, let’s wait awhile nonsense, I want to just flip you over a Chevrolet now! Look, your baby daddy, he doesn’t know I’m a live…and that’s cool cuz I know you don’t really love me. But it’s funny how time flies when I spend time thinking of you and I just thought you should know, you got me losing control. Claudette…mami…I love you.

Panama’s Pick: Halle Berry
Panama’s Prediction: Halle Berry
a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Claudette Ortiz
a.n.d.y.’s Prediction: Halle Berry

And as a special tribute, and no, it’s not another snow bunny, today’s tribute goes out to the one and only…

…Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. Man I love her.

A Whole New World

Princess Jasmine, girl, you could get it in about 8 different countries and the Middle East. I remember the first time I saw Aladdin, I was just mesmerized by those big ole eyes and how much you could see through the screen how bad I just wanted to take an eraser to them clothes. You are the only animated woman who ever truly had me wanting to get myself put into a comic book just so I could spend a little bit more time with you. The reality is that you and I could never be together. Our world’s are so different, with yours confined to only two axes (x and y) while I’m allowed the z-axis. Yes, you have, by definition, the flattest ass of any woman alive, but you still have that special something. Princess Jasmine…you made me experience a whole new world.

****

Thus ends the Elite 8. Make sure you vote her and then head over to the a.n.d.y.’s site at The Royal Youngs to vote in the Vanity bracket. Friday begins the Final Four and then comes the ultimate Championship where we crown or 2005 Queen to be.

Vote or Die!!!

Welcome to day…day umm…hell, day something of October Madness 2005. We’d like to thank you all for returning back to Exploitation Central AKA Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises for what has become the breakthrough tournament of 2005. Those two super smooth sly brothers, Panama Jackson, and the a.n.d.y. of The Royal Youngs are here once again to bring you the Elite 8 round of the tournament.

No really, thanks for voting!! Any hell points you have stacked against you have just been reduced by 10…I’ll take them since I have about a gazillion and just had my name-plate engraved in Hades 9th Hell.

As you know, we started out with 32 sexxalicious women who were primed up, oiled down, and ready to put their all on the line to compete for baddest brown-skinned (or melanin-packin’) beauty of 2005. Through scientific means, we managed to make a list, check it twice, and find out who had been naughty!!

Beeeeeeehave!!!

But as with any tournament, there are losers and winners and so far we’ve eliminated 24 women from contention, leaving us the 8 women that YOU America…let me just say that again to stress the fact that I’m speaking of those people who are reading and have voted, as opposed to say, those who aren’t reading who couldn’t vote anyway since they aren’t reading which means they can’t vote as opposed to folks in Florida…you know what…I’ve totally lost my point, back to the tourney…yes YOU America…have democratically chosen to move forward and compete for the long coveted Baddest Brown Skinned Beauty of 2005 Award.

There really is no prize.

I would like to make a quick statement, if I could. Can I?

*taps microphone*

Here ye here ye…we, the people, will give you liberty, or give you death. For we have not yet begun to fight, hell, we will not fire until we see the whites of their eyes. It is up, up on the down stroke and funkentelechy. If you feel like getting moody junior, well…I can’t help it, if I wanted too.

Thank you.

*crazy applause and love being adorned on the sexxy one*

And yes, that might have been the second dumbest shit I’ve written on this site.

Call me now!!!!

Make sure you head over to the a.n.d.y.’s page to vote in the Pam Grier Bracket.

For this round, I’ve decided to do short poems for the lovely ladies who’ve made it thus far. Women like poetry from what I hear…hell, how else would Nia Long beat Beyonce? Love Jones…that’s how.

Without further ado, let us get into the…

OCTOBER MADNESS 2005: ELITE 8 MOTHATRUCKAS

Jayne Kennedy Bracket

Jayne Kennedy…we salute you. I don’t even have anything else to say except…Good Laaaaaaaaaaaawd!

(1) Kenya Moore (whipped Christina Milian’s ASS, 32-7) vs (2) Stacey Dash (spankededed Maia Campbell’s TAIL, 29-10)

Ode to Kenya Moore

Kenya Moore what can I say
I’d bounce that ass every kind of which a way
you look so fine without them clothes
I’ll take you over all of Luda’s area codes

You make me smile you so fine and nubile
Up on the pole and slide girl slide
Boom boom room and vroom vroom vroom
Kenya Moore beep beep, toot toot

Limerick in the Key of Stacey Dash

There once was a woman named Stacey Dash
Kanye’s video showed us all that juggly ass
Her beauty was timeless
She’s always damn smiling
I’d sop her up with a biscuit quick fast

She’s so fine there really ain’t much competition
Hell I think she put me on that voodoo made me superstitious
I’d lick her toes in a puddle
Drink her bath water with bubbles
Have her legs sticking out of a Ford Expedition

Panama’s Pick: Stacey Dash (this was a hard ass choice…but I just love Stacey)
Panama’s Prediction: Kenya Moore
a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Stacey Dash
a.n.d.y.’s Predition: Stacey Dash

***SPECIAL REPORT***

[***DISCLAIMER: Due to the overly sexxed nature of the Men's brackets AKA The Gat Dayum! Tournament going on courtesy of Xquizzyt1 and Wise Diva (via Kendall Meeks), myself and the a.n.d.y. have decided to do tributes to snow bunnies we love! What's the connection you ask?? I had to read those damn descriptions...shit had me feeling all dirty. We reciprocate. ***]

Tribute to Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer, oh Jennifer, how do I love thee?? Girl, I’d smack a piece of toast with a pair of underoos and some flipflops made of toothpicks and acetate. Shiiiiiiiit, I’d take a piece of 3×5 plywood and slide down some berylium and Crystal Light while watching Desparate Housewives and eating Jim Bean pork sausages. That’s how much I love her. I’ll be your Oreo! Fuck Brad Pitt…

Jennifer Aniston…we salute you!

***

Vote or Die people and then make sure you head over to the Pam Grier bracket being hosted by the a.n.d.y. Our very existence on this little ball we call Earth could very well depend on this. Or not…but go vote anyway!

Sadatay bitches!

***

And for those folks interested, I have an editorial up on Allhiphop.com right now entitled, “Reading, ‘Riting, and Rap.” Don’t let the picture and reference to Tony Yayo scare the living shit out of you and make you think its garbage. It’s a little less hyperbolic (that’s a college word) than what I usually do, but sometimes you got to feign (college word again!) professionalism.

[***Administrative Notes: 1) Remember to go vote (scroll down) in the October Madness 2005 Tournament going on right now at both Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises and at the site of the a.n.d.y. of The Royal Youngs. We're at the Sweet Sixteen and one step closer to crowning the baddest brown skinned beauty. 2) Go check out Atlanta Urban Mix as I have a guest editorial up on the so-called "expiration" of the right for African-Americans to vote in 2007. Pure poppycock. Either way, check it out here: Voter Since 1870 ***]

If there’s one thing in life that every man should know in regards to keeping your money it’s this:

Never, ever, under any circumstances REALLY piss off your baby’s mama. This is what we refer to in the hiphop community, urban centers, and Usher concerts as…not a good look.

In my mind, that must be what happened to one Young Jeezy (born Jay Jenkins), whose baby mama, Nicole Dykes, is taking his ass to court in attempts to get child support payments for her 9-year old son, Really Young Jeezy, increased from $178 to roughly $20,000.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Wait just a damn minute…$178??? Are we to believe the self-proclaimed Snowman, who seems to be doing really well and whose album is now certified platinum, is really that bad of a person to only be providing $178 a month to his offspring??

No. Of course not. I’d be willing to put money, and I’d rather it be Jeezy’s money, on the fact that his kid isn’t starving or living in the most paltry of conditions. I have no proof, but I’m sure he slides his baby mama some money on the side as well. Why on the side you ask??

Well, let us think about this. He doesn’t call himself the Snowman because he’s a meteorologist who accurately predicts snowfalls 99.5% of the time; or because he likes to stand in people’s front yards dressed in white. Take it a step further, he’s from Georgia and shuttles between Macon and Atlanta as his homesteads. Georgia is a southern state…we don’t like snow in the south. It fucks up EVERYTHING in the Dirty Dirty. But luckily, it rarely snows…and I mean rarely. So, that means he can’t really be referring to the actual powdery goodness that brings kids of all ages outside to play…can he?

Actually, yes…it’s just that this powdery goodness is illegal and keeps the Alphabet Boys doing stakeouts and home raids and has many differing street nomenclatures. Of course, I have no verification for this, but I know what snow means in my neighborhood, you do the math.

That’s riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Along with the potential for “illegal activities”, the T.R.A.P.S.T.R. (they like him, they like him) probably does what any well to do street pharmacist does, put everything in somebody else’s name.

“In court depositions, Jenkins denied owing a mansion or a house, a car or jewelry, but Dykes‚Äô lawyers singled out his diamond incrusted ’snowman’ pendant, as well as the platinum success of his debut album and the success of BNDH‚Äôs self-titled debut album, which spawned the radio hit ‘Dem Boyz.’ “ -Allhiphop.com article

Well, duuuuuuuh.

He hasn’t been rapping long enough to move everything into his own name and claim that he actually procured them through legal means. All of this is making sense to me at this point. This is just all apart of the game.

And what usually happens is that as long as you keep your baby mama happy by taking care of your kid and hooking her up every now and then, you both can live a blissful happy life.

Until…

…you piss her off. And pissing her off can come in many different flavors, complete with not giving her what she needs, or what she thinks she needs for the child. And let’s be real, she does not need $20,000 a month to take care of her child. I’ve lived in Atlanta. It’s a cheap ass city relative to say New York or D.C. She does, however, need $20,000 a month to show you how pissed off she is. Shit, do you know how much cut up I could get for $20,000???

When was the last time you heard the term cut-up?? No, really…

Even worse than pissing off your baby mama, is the fact that you are pissing of your baby mama and the majority of your money up to a certain point is apparently coming from “illegal” gains. You know who that brings into the equation?? The Feds. The people that do investigations into illicit activities and the like. So you pissed off your baby mama, and NOW, she’s trying to get your finances put on front street.

Damn, what part of the game is that??

Further, you have to comply. Sure you don’t “own” any of the properties you reside in or cars you drive. But somebody does, and if they start digging into records and find out that your mother, who works at Mrs. Winner’s, owns a $600,000 house, somebody’s going to start asking questions. And to further complicate shit, you are now an employee of Def Jam, a certified platinum artist, which means that despite the fact that you probably owe the label money, you have some money. AND…he owns a record lable, Corporate Thugz Entertainment for which he released his mixtape that landed him at Def Jam in the first place. There’s money floating around him and it’s coming from somewhere…and the truth is gonna set somebody’s ass free.

And all that could have been well and good and fine and lovely and TCB and Soul Glo.

But he probably went and pissed of his baby mama so now she’s taking his ass to court and requesting a ridiculous amount of money. The fucked up part is that he’s really attempting to claim that the $178 a month is what he should be liable for. Young Jeezy AKA The Trapper of the Year, my mellow my man, you just might be fucked up in the game, doggy.

You just can’t make loads of money illegally and piss off your baby mama. You just can’t. She hold’s the ultimate trump card…she has your kid!! And the second you piss her off, she can get your ass caught up and fucked in the game.

Of course, this might all be moot and maybe Young Jeezy really doesn’t have a penny to his name and I’m just blowing smoke. That’s kind of a pun considering the nature of this situation. Maybe all of the big money talk he’s doing on his album is just lies like so many other rappers claiming to be living well but really working at a parking garage or some shit, but I seriously doubt it. I tend to believe Young Jeezy has made a come up of sorts in life and whatever way he did it, more power to him.

You have to remember the cardinal rule though, do not, under any circumstances, piss off your baby mama. She has the courts on her side, unless she’s a crackhead.

In the end, his baby mama is gonna make the dopeboy go crazy, all because he probably pissed her off.

Peep the Article on Allhiphop.com

Ra Ra Ra…Sis Boom Bah!!

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen to day two of the Sweet Sixteen brought to you by the two baddest mofo’s lowdown around this town, the a.n.d.y. of The Royal Youngs and myself, the most sexxy Panama Muhf****n’ of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises . Yes, we are narrowing the field down. Yes, we are shiny happy people holding hands (not me and the a.n.d.y., I meant that in the rhetorical, general, R.E.M. sense of the sentiment). Yes, I’m still the sexxiest mofo. Hell, all you gotta do is say yes.

What is the question?

I don’t know.

But that doesn’t stop the party from continuing on. On Friday, you all came and voted for the Jayne Kennedy bracket, and I’ll be back later to give an update on how that’s shaping up. So today, we have the Tamara Dobson bracket. Two things of note here:

1) I’m going to be using the same pictures I had before. Apparently quite a few of the pictures that I’ve been attempting to use have set off the sensors at work. Now, nobody’s said anything to me…but if I get one more hit on some site that pops up with, “Unable to access page due to Tasteless content.” Or “Sex”, well, let’s just say, JGT Enterprises may be no more since I won’t be able to keep working, which means I won’t be able to pay my bills, which means my electricity shuts down, which means I get evicted, which means I have no means for keeping up JGT. Let’s just say, I’ll try to add some new pictures tonight from home.

2) This past weekend was my alma mater’s homecoming. I am sleep deprived right now. That has caused minor delirium. I don’t even know what I’m typing right now. Hell, I’m not even sure where I’m at. You probably think I’m at work right now, but I’m (possibly) in the backseat of your truck with duct taped stretched out. What was the point of this paragraph? It didn’t have one, but every one needs a two and I might say more random shit than normal.

Pointlessness, another side effect of hunger. I need a Snickers.

SO…

To the brackets, and make sure you hit up the a.n.d.y.’s site to vote today in the Vanity bracket. Voting will continue through Thursday so we can get our Elite Eight, then the Final Four, then the champ. If we were to keep dividing though, we could keep going to infinity. Just as with day one, I surveyed the hood to get some input from the locals…and since I was in Atlanta this weekend…

[***DISCLAIMER: To everybody in Atlanta whose number I have and I didn't call...well, I apologize. Blame it on attempts to get drunk, and failed attempts to be pissy drunk. And the fact that I apparently am unable to drink properly (and I don't mean liquor, I mean actually drink) as I almost killed myself off of a shot of Patron. Let me just say, when that shit goes down the wrong pipe...well, I thought I was going to die. Good times!!! ***]

…I got some input from some locals in Atlanta.

You can find me in the A…A…A…A…A…A…A…A!

And fuck The Landmark Diner in Buckhead for having shitty food at Red Lobster Prices…at 4am.

Tamara Dobson Bracket

Tamara Dobson AKA Cleopatra Jones…you are fine. Period. Point blank. You whip ass. We love you!

(1) Halle Berry (def. Sanaa Lathan, 25-23) vs. (3) Zoe Saldana (def. Ciara, 28-20)

Streets Are Talking About Halle Berry:

“Shawty loo’ good an’ shit. Ay folk, I’m tellin’ ya, ain’t nobody gonna fu’ wit her.” - My cousin Marcus, 24, SWATS

“It’s Halle Berry.” - Luscious Jenkins, 48, Simpson Road

“love Sanaa but Halle’s just Halle”- Monk (from the comments section)

“Halle-cuz she’s Halle and plays a crackwhore pretty well” -Carmen (from the comments section…I think she said what all of us were really feeling on the inside)

Streets Are Talking About Zoe Saldana:

“Hmmm…she’s black?” - Laticia, 20, Spelman College Junior, from Lithia Springs, GA

“You know, when I saw her in Drumline, she made a fan out of me. In fact, I’ll be her baby daddy, sugar daddy, daddy-long-legs, mac daddy, daddy mac, and pop daddy…hey, you think that’s overkill??” - Dorian, 23, Morehouse College alumni from Bedford, OH

“That girl look like a side of good God, with a piece ooooh lawd sprinkled on some hurt me good. I’m hungry, let’s go to The Beautiful. “ - Dennis, 27, Morehouse Alumni, from East Point, GA

Panama’s Pick: Halle Berry
Panama’s Prediction: Zoe Saldana (I think some folks would rather not see Halle win…but that’s just me)

(4) Tyra Banks (def. Meagan Goode, 31-17) vs. (2) Claudette Ortiz (def. Gabrielle Union, 26-22)

Streets Are Talking About Tyra Banks:

“Even with all that forehead, she’s still the finest alien in the streets.” - James, from my old apartment complex off of MLK, Westside Atlanta

“That’s one of the goodest looking women I’ve ever seen. Naw, she’s not the goodest, she’s the best!” - some ignant negro…who graduated with me from Morehouse

“You know, I just like how good she takes pictures. Skin looking all bronzed and sleek. Hell, I got a subscription to Victoria’s Secret because of her.” - Carl, 36, some cat I saw at JJ’s Rib Shack

Streets Are Talking About Claudette Ortiz:

“That girl so fine, I’d mop her up with some Ajax, and smile like I got brand new dentures after riding a roller coaster at Cedar Point.” - Leslie, somehow I think I got his quote wrong…I don’t know, College Park, GA

“Skinny little thang…add a little BBQ sauce and she’s good to go.” -my cousin Roy, 28, West Atlanta’s Bankhead Courts

“Man…you see that Cadillac rollin’ on 23’s??” - my cousin Roy’s brother Chris (not my cousin), 24, Bankhead Courts

Panama’s Pick: Claudette Ortiz
Panama’s Prediction: Tyra Banks

****

There you have what the streets are saying about the ladies of the lovely Tamara Dobson bracket. Make sure you vote…or die, and head over to the a.n.d.y.’s page to get your Vanity on. It’s almost time for the Championship!!!

Brown paper packages, tied up with string…these are a few of my favorite things!

No, that had nothing to do with anything. I just felt like sharing the end to one of the best showtunes ever. And if you are still puzzled and don’t know that its from The Sound of Music, well, consider yourself…

…READY FOR THE SWEET SIXTEEN!!!!

*loud screams and yells…again*

Welcome back to October Madness 2005, the tournament that brings you the best in exploitation and misogynistic behavior, courtesy of those smooth debonair brotha’s from the Mid-Atlantic, the a.n.d.y. of The Royal Youngs, and myself, The Most Muhf****n’, Panama Jackson, of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises.

We’re household names.

*blank stares*

Indulge me. Shit.

Anyway, the votes have been cast and the die has been rolled and we’ve eliminated 16 of our buxom baddest brown-skinned (or at least melanin-packing) beauties. It was sad to see some of them go, but alas, like the “Play ‘em or Spray ‘em” skit on Lil’ Half Dead’s album (no, you don’t know who he is), The Dead Has Arisen…

…gotta go gotta go.

We’re down to 16, count ‘em 1-6, women who are competing for the championship and the title of Baddest Brown Skinned Beauty. There were some close races, some surprisingly close races, but democracy has once again prevailed and the people have spoken. But, we’re not done talking, for there is more work to be done.

Are you ready to rock??? I saaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiid…ARE YOU READY TO ROCK???!!

For Round 1, we oh so cleverly (or not depending on your Moon sign) decided to do short writeups of each individual beauty. Well, for the Sweet Sixteen, we (moreso I, since apparently people were writing novels in the a.n.d.y.’s comments) decided to hit the streets to get some quotes from the general public on each lady. Yes, Panama, Mr. I Can Make You Famous (that’s me), went with a “Word On The Street” motif.

So…

You know the rules, you know what to do. Today, I’m bringing you the first 4 ladies who have made it out of Round 1. I’m bringing you back to the:

Jayne Kennedy Bracket

Since I didn’t do this before, Jayne Kennedy was the first black Miss Ohio back in 1970 and was also the first black woman to grace the cover of Playboy in 1981. I don’t care what anybody says, that’s big. She’s also had bit parts in many movies, but her most notable accomplishment? Basically being able to be the chick that folks refer to when they mention beauty and everybody just understands, as evidenced by Mos Def on “Ms. Fat Booty”, when he states, “yo she look like Jayne Kennedy son, she was that ill.”

Jayne Kennedy, we salute you…and your genetics!

(1) Kenya Moore (def. Kerry Washington, 27-20) vs. (3) Christina Milian (def. Res, 25-22)

Streets Are Talking about Kenya Moore:

*I can’t get any more pictures at work without setting off the “sex”, “tasteless”, etc. filters. I’m amazed I got this one!*

“Man…I’d jumpstart a Kangaroo with those legs! Shiiit, give me 2 minutes and a banana, I’ll make her sing Xscape songs. Shiiiit.” - Willie Earl Jones, 32, Southeast Washington, DC

“She hella crute. I mean she ain’t got nuffin’ on my guuurl Estha, but you know she do her thang. Did you had seent her in Troyse [she meant Trois, it threw me off too], yeah she was lookin’ good.” - Ashenkashay Vanderbilt, 18, Uptown, NE, DC

“This type of misogyny is exactly what’s wro…” -tape ran out on some nigga on Howard University’s campus, I think his name was Jerome

Streets Are Talking About Christina Milian:

“Dip it low, pick it up slow, move it all around. I like that song.” -Jacinta, 15, Dunbar (DC) High School sophomore

“Young’n, she bad as shit, mo. I’d crack dat azz while listenin’ to some R.E.” -Lil J, 18, Dunbar (DC) High School sophomore

“She’s so fine, there’s not telling where the money went…simply irresistable!!” -Art Farris, 47, electrical engineer, waiting at bus stop, outside of Dunbar (DC) High School

Panama’s Pick: Christina Milian (I’m biased like hell…I love her)
Panama’s Prediction: Kenya Moore

(2) Stacey Dash (def. Tatyana Ali, asswhuppin’ 37-10) vs. (4) Maia Campbell (def. Alicia Keys, spanking 30-16)

Streets Are Talking About Stacey Dash:

“Yo, son, for real, like for real for real, know what I’m sayin’” - James, 23, 1st Street, NW, Ward 5 Bitch (he asked me to put all that)

“She’s a flawless woman who’s managed to maintain her youthful exuberance and playful demeanor through the years. A lovely choice, I hope she does well. She’s got the prettiest smile!” - some Spelman College transplant at Georgetown Law…forgot to get her name and vitals

“Yeah, I really like her. Man, you see the Kanye video?? The dress…the line on her dress bobbing up and down? She got a phatty doggy. She’s still bad. She’s like, like, cold water on a hot day! Can’t nobody touch her. I’m a poet, buy my…” - Laurence, 21, Howard University junior…I don’t care that he’s a poet

Streets Are Talking About Maia Campbell:

“Yo, back in the day, she was the baddest. How the hell her old school as make your list??” - next door neighbor Juco. I have no idea what Juco means.

“Who?” - Lonnie, 14, Dunbar (DC) High School, freshman

“She might be the baddest under the radar over the radar chick you got. She is still bangin’ son. I be watching “In The House” just for her. Now that you mention it, I’d hit off Debbie Allen too.” - Eric, 27, Georgetown Law

Panama’s Pick: Stacey Dash (it’s Stacey Dash for goodness sake)
Panama’s Prediction: Stacey Dash

*****

Well you see what the streets are saying. Time to do your thug thizzle and let the good times roll. And by that I mean vote. Coming up Monday, the Tamara Dobson bracket.

October Madness…it’s like Christmas, only without the gifts, Jesus, and non-judgementalism.

[P.S. Ignore the layout change, JGT is going through an upgrade ~mgmnt]

[***Updated results at bottom of page as of 1250pm, Wednesday.***]

Welcome to analysis of days 1 and 2 of October Madness, being brought to you by the a.n.d.y. of The Royal Youngs, and Panama Jackson of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises. Before we get into a bracket by bracket analysis, if you haven’t already done so, please vote.

I’ve invited a special guest to JGT Headquarters today. Today’s guest is not only a scholar, he’s a renowned thinker and philosopher. He’s been asked to come through and give us his opinions on both the brackets and the way the voting has shaped up thus far. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Dr. Hida Mann, Ph.D., OPP, MPP, OB-GYN, NAACP, ASPCA, YMCA, UNLV, MD, and last but not least, ATL.

Without further ado, let’s get into the analysis.

Panama Jackson: Welcome Dr. Mann.

Dr. Mann: Thanks Panama. I appreciate being asked to come here and analyze the total traveshamockery I’ve witnessed in days 1 and 2 of the bracket.

PJ: If you could call me Mr. Jackson, that would be great.

Dr. Mann: Sorry Mr. Jackson. I am for real.

PJ: Sure thing doc. So, I see you just want to jump right in. So, before we get into individual contests, what is your impression overall of the tournament? A lot of women think that it’s misogynistic and quite exploitative. Just hearsay, but it’s been echoed a time or two.

Dr. Mann: I can see that point of view. However, I don’t quite give a shit. Exploitation is the oldest profession, right up there with prostitution and voyeurism. Face it, Adam was scoping Eve. I would however recommend that women create a similar bracket, though it might be the biggest sham ever. Let me fuel the fire by saying that a woman’s tourney would be the most exciting but potentially least realistic competition ever. Biases will abound rendering somebody like Barack Obama, hardly a paragon of modelistic attraction, a Final Four contender. And that just makes no sense. It has evidenced itself in this women’s tournament.

PJ: So you’re saying Barack Obama isn’t a “dime”?

Dr. Mann: Hell no. Not objectively. If you look at his background and charisma and what he’s done for reformed crackheads everywhere, well then, yes, maybe. But what does that have to do with attractive? Nothing, that’s what.

PJ: Good point. Well let’s get into this evidence you speak of represented in this tourney so far. Give me an example.

Dr. Mann: My pleasure. Let’s start with the upset special brewing in the Tamara Dobson bracket. Quickly, I noticed that you didn’t state that Tamara Dobson was Cleopatra Jones, you should have done that. About the upset special, Halle Berry versus Sanaa Lathan. For the life of me I don’t understand how any rational person can objectively say that Sanna is more, what do the young kids say…”bangin’”, than Halle Berry. Sanaa is attractive, clearly, but Halle Berry is Halle Berry. She could have had a bracket named after her and it would have been without dispute. In my educated opinion, she’s a clear champion contender, but she’s in danger of losing in the first round. This is the same reason somebody like Beyonce might not make it to the Final Four, bias.

PJ: Interesting…please, continue.

Dr. Mann: You see, apparently overexposure and the like might knock the both of them clear out of contention because people have been given years to come up with a reason to, justifiably or not, have beef with them. It’s possible for people to overlook their genetics and make beauty determinations based on their perceptions of who these people are. However, this is why somebody like Esther Baxter, who is fine as May wine, could have an easy walk to the finals. Nobody really hates her because she doesn’t get accolades from major media outlets for being gorgeous. For now, she’s a video hoe with video hoe exposure, urban markets.

PJ: I got you, so you think that Esther Baxter is going to take the whole thing?

Dr. Mann: I do. And let me speak on something else here. Ashanti got totally murdered by Esther in Round 1. Not that it doesn’t make sense, but I’m willing to bet that at least 60 percent of that vote for Esther was solely because it was Ashanti. I think she’d lose to a bucket of Mop ‘N Glo.

PJ: You think the hate is that strong?

Dr. Mann: Hell yes. People hate this girl for her very being. I blame Ja Rule and Murder, Inc. for becoming bubblegum and her being folded into the lameness with the fake tough guys. “Clap Back”? Really Ja Rule?? Lame ass. Ashanti can’t sing, but neither can Janet Jackson. Nobody hates on Janet for her voice and Ashanti writes her own songs. Granted, she’s nowhere near as gorgeous as Janet, but the disdain people have for Ashanti makes little sense. You’d think she had SARS or something and if you listen to her album you might catch it.

PJ: I got you. So, let’s get into the brackets. Let’s start with the Jayne Kennedy bracket. What do you think so far?

Dr. Mann: Well, thus far there are no real surprises. Even Kerry Washington versus Kenya Moore isn’t surprising. Kerry is a beautiful young girl and if you saw her in She Hate Me, it’s understandable that she’d be making a charge here. Kenya Moore is gorgeous, granted, but I’ll take Kerry Washington too. Hard choice, especially if you take into account the absolutely shitty acting jobs Kenya has been a party too. I know we’re not supposed to include those, but damn, did you see Trois???

PJ: Yeah, I saw Trois. And thanks for bringing back that painful memory, fucker. As far as Kerry Washingon, I like her too. She could get it.

Dr. Mann: Got that right. The only other thing of note is the Christina Milian versus Res contest. I’m slightly amazed that so many people would take Res over Christina Milian. I’ll take that a step further, I’m amazed so many people know who Res is. Then again, everybody here is somebody who reads and she gained quite a lot of steam from the reading black circuit a few years ago. But wow, I’m just a little surprised that Res might take Christina Milian out. I know Be Cool was bad, but damn. I saw her making it maybe to the Elite Eight.

PJ: So who do you think will make it out of this bracket?

Dr. Mann: My money’s on Kenya to take the whole thing, unless Kerry takes her out, in which case my money is on Stacey “My age is too old to hot box with God” Dash.

PJ: Wow, I don’t think Stacey’s gonna take it but hey, you’re the expert, I’m just a small fish trying to get a nut from a squirrel. So let’s take a look at the Pam Grier bracket. Anything of note here?

Dr. Mann: Well aside from the Ashanti thing, not at all. Esther Baxter should take this one easily. I really like Rosario Dawson though. She’s quite the little hottie. But she isn’t going to make it past the second round, assuming she holds her slim lead here. Everybody else in that bracket is somewhat of an afterthought. I mean, have you seen Paula Patton’s IMDB page? Good gracious, why waste the webspace.

PJ: I see what you mean. I’ve seen extras with more credits. Alright, so what’s your take on the Vanity bracket?

Dr. Mann: Well, like I stated earlier, I think that Beyonce could get knocked out. This was a hard bracket, except for Jacque Reed. I been meaning to ask…how in the hell did she make it? Her and Fantasia look like they bite trees together. Eva Mendes might only make it because of that. I read somewhere that somebody criticized you all because of the inclusion of women like her.

PJ: Yeah, that happened. Apparently some people have problems with the inclusion of some non “black” women on the list. Water under the bridge homey. I pay that kind of stuff no real mind.

Dr. Mann: I think this tournament has a quite a bit of diversity with all the shades and types, or at least that’s the talk around the water cooler. As far as the bracket, Nia Long could be a sleeper and take the whole thing, similar with Nona Gaye. Free is a hot one, but for some reason, women just don’t like her so much. She isn’t the most attractive woman in the face, but she’s the most phat-to-death 37 year old woman I’ve ever seen. As the polls show, there are a lot of people, men and women alike, who would love to see Nia or Nona win. So I’m going to take Nona Gaye.

PJ: That really is a sleeper choice. Onto the last bracket, Tamara Dobson. Break it down doc.

Dr. Mann: This was by far one of the most competitive brackets. You have all kinds of hot women in this bracket. I’ve already spoken on Halle, but as far as the other women go, I think Zoe will take Ciara. Too many people see nothing redeeming about her aside from the fact that she can dance. That won’t take you to the finals. Trya or Meagan? Toss up and neither of them is taking the whole thing. Claudette Ortiz is surprising at a 2 seed since I figured most people forgot about her, but she’s a good one. Won’t beat Halle though. And I like Gabrielle Union, but I just can’t see her beating Claudette.

PJ: So what’s the prediction?

Dr. Mann: Well, I think that if Sanaa beats Halle, which is highly likely, she’s going to take the whole bracket. But if Halle wins, I think those people who didn’t want her to win in the first place will propel Zoe to victory. I just don’t think the women on the bottom half of the bracket have the wherewithall to take out Zoe or Halle.

PJ: So you think its going to be: Esther, Sanaa, Nona, and Kenya.

Dr. Mann: I’ll say Nona or Nia Long in the Vanity Bracket.

PJ: And who’s going to take the whole thing? Give me your prediction.

Dr. Mann: I’m going with Esther against Sanaa, with Esther taking the whole thing. That’s my final answer.

PJ: Well thanks Doc for coming through and blessing us with your predictions. We look forward to seeing how this thing shakes out over the next few days.

Dr. Mann: Thanks for having me…and once again, thanks for having me Mr. Jackson. Once again, sorry about the Panama thing. I forgot you are the top dog around here. My humblest apologies.

PJ: No problem doc, I am for real.

****

As of Wednesday, October 19, 2005, at 1250pm.

Jayne Kennedy Bracket

(1) Kenya Moore: 25
(8) Kerry Washington: 20

(2) Stacey Dash: 35
(7) Tatyana Ali: 10

Tamara Dobson Bracket

(1) Halle Berry: 24
(8) Sanaa Lathan: 22

(2) Claudette Ortiz: 24
(7) Gabrielle Union: 22

[***Updated Results as of 230pm, October 17th, 2005, for Jayne Kennedy Bracket at bottom of page. ***]

Guess who’s bizzack…it’s the boy Panama Jack AKA Mr. Make You Famous And Shit.

Welcome back for Day Two of October Madness. Day one was hectic as apparently the women playing in the Jayne Kennedy bracket each wanted to put up a fight. Both myself, Panama, of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises, that’s me, and the a.n.d.y. over at The Royal Youngs didn’t see the catfight that came to be.

Meowwww baby…meow.

Once again, if you haven’t already done it, pick up your downloadable bracket so you can play at home and argue amongst your friends like I’ve been doing all weekend.

We’d like to thank all you denizens of the democratic process for coming thru and voting and making this here tournament a worthy affair. I’m glad to know so many people care about this issue, an issue that is important for years to come. We may be experiencing a paradigm shift that has reverberations for generations.

Or not. Either way thanks for playing! Apparently, the a.n.d.y. is offering up a personalized Vote or Die! t-shirt to anybody who votes in each round. Hmm…I’ll just say thanks…

Head over to the a.n.d.y.’s spot to vote in the renamed Vanity Bracket, up right now. It’s not a game people…it’s a TOURNAMENT!

Also, I’ll do a tally later on today and display who’s winning in the Jayne Kennedy bracket, but for now, let’s get into the proceedings and break off into the…(drumroll please)…

Tamara Dobson Bracket

One of the tallest leading ladies of all time at 6′2″, she’s proof positive that Baltimore isn’t just good for heroin and The Wire, but also there are beauties running wild. Tamara Dobson, we salute you.

(1) Halle Berry vs. (8) Sanaa Lathann

Halle Berry: I’m not even sure she needs a defense. She’s Halle Berry for goodness sake. Amazingly, the older she gets, the finer she gets. Even the white boys love her. You know what…I’m not even going to waste time with an explanation…she’s Halle Berry. ‘Nuff said.

Sanaa Lathan: Sanaa is an under the radar beauty for some reason. Understatedly attractive she manages to look good in nearly every role she’s ever been in…which might be because she plays the same role in every movie. But who’s counting? Athletic build, nice arms a la Angela Bassett and a pretty smile, I mean…she love’s basketball, music, and can’t get enough of Taye Diggs. By the way look out for Love and Basketball 3: After They Put Down The CD’s They Picked Up After Basketballs, They Picked Up Poetry And Created Love Jones Meets The Parents

That’s not a real movie by the way.

Panama’s Pick: Halle Berry (like for real…it’s Halle)
Panama’s Prediction: Halle Berry (though I think Sanna might upset her too)
a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Halle Berry
a.n.d.y.’s Prediction: Sanaa Lathan (huge upset)

(3) Zoe Saldana vs. (6) Ciara

Zoe Saldana: My Domincan Princess…how do I LOVE thee. Let me count the ways!!!! Man she’s smoking. Not the thickest body on earth, but man oh man, she looks good working what she has. Makes me want to dip her in some Texas Pete hot sauce and take a bite out of crime all at the same time. Slender framed beauty with just enough booty, girl I love your smile, your thighs and them sexxy eyes. Yowza!

Ciara: Hmm…I know women that want her goodies. This girl has thighs that have you wishing she’d wrap them around your back. Depite the fact that she is unable to keep her head straight when talking, the girl is bad. Nice skin tone, goodies, and can work the hell out of a sunroof. Where else do you get that combination? Nowhere…that’s where.

Panama’s Pick: Zoe Saldana (mm-mmm good)
Panama’s Prediction: Zoe Saldana
a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Zoe Saldana
a.n.d.y.’s Prediction: Zoe Saldana

(4) Tyra Banks vs. (5) Meagan Goode

Tyra Banks: Living proof that all models don’t look like crack heads since she has some BODY. Got to love the jubblies. Also living proof that women with big ass 7-heads can make it in an industry solely devoted to your genetics. Tall, fine, sexxy, and alienesque, she makes you want to explore the universe…in the back seat of your jeep! She’s further proof, along with Amerie, that being pretty is all you need in life since her talk show makes me want to stab ants.

(5) Meagan Goode: Goode gracious me. I ain’t gonna talk about her lips. Fuck that. Man, those lips are sexxy as all hell, looking like she’d suuu…speak really well. *letting imagination run wild* She has one of the smallest frames on the list, but one of the most sexxalicious frames at the same time. Hell, did you see Biker Boyz? Breakout role? No. Breakout breasts? Hell yes!

Panama’s Pick: 7-Head AKA Tyra Banks
Panama’s Prediction: 7-Head AKA Tyra Banks
a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Tyra Banks
a.n.d.y.’s Prediction: Tyra Banks

(2) Claudette Ortiz vs. (7) Gabrielle Union

Claudette Ortiz: Two words for you-wet dream. In the video for “Caramel” there wasn’t a man, woman, or porcupine alive that didn’t catch some kind of wood. She exemplifies a rare condition called “cuteashellandfineashellatthesametimeiwantsomekoolaid”. Seriously, there is no way I could have been in City High with her. I’d be hitting on her during every break…which apparently Toby Keith did and hit a homerun. She’s got that fiyah and that body and that beautiful luscious skin and smile and walk. Damn I love her.

Gabrielle Union: You know, I just love her lots. Like for real. She’s tall with a gorgeous smile and a nice body. Nice brownskinneded complexion that reminds me of chocolate easter bunnies. At her peak in Deliver Us From Eva and Break’n All The Rules. Hell, who am I kidding, she was at her peak in every movie she’s been in. I’m just a fan and she looks normal enough to be the girl next door, if the girl next door was fine as all hell and looked sweet at the same time. She just turns me into a Care Bear…Tender Heart Bear.

Panama’s Pick: Claudette Ortiz
Panama’s Prediction: Gabrielle Union (smell an upset?)
a.n.d.y.’s Pick: Claudette Ortiz
a.n.d.y.’s Prediction: Gabrielle Union

****

There you have it, the last bracket in the First Round. Soon, we’ll be breaking things down so that they can forever be buh-roke, and get our Sweet 16. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the Most Muhf****n’ and the a.n.d.y. are bringing you one step closer to the most beautiful brownskinned woman of 2005. Remember…Vote or Die! Or just vote since death is so 2004.

****

Updated Results as of Monday, 230pm. This is a pretty competitive bracket aside from the Stacey Dash-Tatyana Ali slaughter that is occuring. But she did get 8 votes thus far.

(1) Kenya Moore: 18
(2) Kerry Washington: 14

(3) Christina Milian: 14
(6) Res: 18

(4) Maia Campbell: 20
(5) Alicia Keys: 11

(2) Stacey Dash: 24
(7) Tatyana Ali: 8