Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

Boredom besets me. So I figured I’d share random shit. Follow me.

Yesterday as I drove into work I was approached by a homeless man asking for money but simultaneously trying to sell me bootleg CDs. I’m not sure why this struck me as odd that the bootlegger would be homeless except…

…how the hell do you make bootlegs, Mr. I Don’t Have a Home So Give Me Some Money For Food. Bootlegging requires equipment. My guess is that he either robbed somebody or some cat just gave him the CD’s to sell a la the drug world. Ya know, you sell these for me and get to keep a cut off the profits. I can’t lie I’ve pondered doing that with people before since I get everything hella early.

I saw a grown ass man wearing a dress slacks today but had them hanging off his ass as he trapised into work. Needless to say he looked like shit. Dress slacks aren’t intended to be hanging off of one’s ass. They are intended to be worn at the waist. Sagging in dress pants actually looks like you took a real shit on yourself, not the mythical shit that most people say it looks like. Nope, looks like a real one.

I was reading CNN today and it seems that a missing girl has been found and she was a porn “star”. Now, when I read the story nothing about her seemed to indicate actual porn star so much as chick who got naked and might have sucked a few on film. That doesn’t make her a star. Nasty? Perhaps. But star? Not so much. That’s not to say that I judge the porn industry. Fucking is good so there’s no reason why somebody shouldn’t be getting paid for it. Plus, some porn is just downright entertaining. This harkens back to anytime a nigga gets shot and he owns a microphone he gets labeled as a rapper who’s been killed. Just cuz a motherfucker is “aspiring” doesn’t make him something. But since that’s how the media gets down, in the event that I get mowed down on the merciless DC streets, I’d like the papers to read: Aspiring Billionaire Panama Muhfuckin’ Bought The Farm

That’s fun on so many levels.

It’s looking like it’s going to be a good 4th quarter for rap music. Maybe sales wise anyway. I can’t say that I’ve cared much for a large majority of the major label albums that have come out. I’ve already stated my opinion on Alicia Keys. There is just no way anybody can convince me that she’s great. It’s impossible. I’m not a Wu-Tang fan at all and this new album isn’t exactly going to convert me. American Gangster was good though. I might have already played it out though. Freeway? Sure, I’ll drive on one but I pretty much can’t stand him and his album, though critiqued as being so great, really is just bleh to me.

So Lauren London is dating Lil Wayne? Hmm…that should give hope to ugly motherfuckers everywhere as fine as she is. Though it doesn’t say much for her mentally. Have you read interviews by Lil Weeziana lately? He sounds like he smokes that good greeny green green at least 2 to 300 times a day. Not only is he non-sensical he’s completely indecipherable. Go ahead, TRY to figure out the distinction between the two. Not only do most of his verses not make much sense but now his interviews are following suit. Weezy F. Baby (please say the Baby) my just crazy himself right out of the young people’s consciousness.

Of course if Soulja Boy is the next hope then God forgive us all.

Save us too.

Apparently Diamond from Crime Mobb has left and gone solo. And in more news you couldn’t care less about, I’m wearing Timberlands today.

I mentioned before about the large amounts of crime going down in my neighborhood. Well, I’ll be got damned if it aint continuing and the shit aint happening at 3am. Nope. A few blocks over from me some folks got robbed at a bus stop at 545pm. Granted its dark then but shit…criminals just have NO respect for the law.

I heard the word comport for the first time yesterday ever. I still don’t know what it means as I’ve yet to look it up but man that’s an interesting word.

Which brings up another point. In my job, I do a lot of legal research and reading. There are too many damn words in the English language. We have 80 words that mean the same shit. No wonder why English is such a hard language to learn, it’s convoluted. Viva la Spanish. Now they’ve got it down. Hell, even most people have the same names. Yell Maria in a Latino area and see how many folks turn around. That’s progress right there!

You ever go into the bathroom at work and somebody’s made themselves a little bit too comfortable? You too? Public restrooms should be a place of peace and quiet. I shouldn’t feel offended by your bathroom manner. Stop it, you!

Okay, I’m bored now so I’ll stop.

And no, this isn’t a review of the television show on BET. I haven’t watched the show and have no plans to do so. It’s on BET. AND it used to be “Hot Ghetto Mess”. When I said I wanted new original programming at BET, somehow, this isn’t what I envisioned.

Nope.

A few weeks ago now (or sometime last month) a bunch of niggas made strides for the Black community with their attempts at building our long lacking self-esteem and showing the young Black people that we can make it despite whatever obstacles, either historical or present, are lobbed our way.

The NAACP buried the n-word. Now this isn’t news to anybody clearly. This made national news and opinions were plentiful. I didn’t really pay much attention to most opinions because I felt like this was the biggest damn waste of time in the history of wasting time. This is up there with Sheila Jackson-Lee’s uber-fucking-stupid attempts a few years ago to get hurricane’s named after Black people. I wonder how she feels now that motherfucking Katrina wiped out a bunch of niggas. Somebody needs to follow up with her on that one pronto. You know Black people have too much time on our hands when we introduce affirmative action into the weather.

I mean, really.

I also think it was just damn dumb. I’m a big fan of symbolism. I really am; especially symoblism that turns a system on its ear and makes a splash.

Burying the n-word? No splash. The funny shit is that I’m not convinced that none of the niggas in the NAACP don’t use the n-word. It’s just too easy a word to use if you’re Black. It really is. I’ve actually made attempts to stop using it to no avail. No dice. I’m sure I could stop if I really wanted to, but you know what, I like the n-word. Just like I like cursing. Makes for much more spirited conversations.

My main beef with symbolic gestures like the NAACP’s is that it stops there. After the burial there is nothing. There’s no real significance. AND it just sounds like a dumb ass idea. Corny. Contrived. A waste of resources. In fact, I want to know who green lighted this idea. I sincerely hope that this wasn’t on the docket of important business for the NAACP and that somebody just threw this shit out around the watercooler one day and a bunch of niggas ran with it. If it wasted no more than 15 minutes of actual “we could be changing the world” time then I suppose I ain’t but so mad aside from the lack of significane in the aftermath.

But once again, it is the NAACP and my guess it that these niggas have nothing better to do until the next nigga comes along and screams racism somewhere…

Speaking of which, I have to say something here that might be of unfavorable view. But man, niggas owe them Duke Lacrosse players a big motherfucking apology. MAN…I’m so glad I kept my opinion to myself on that one. However it gets to a much bigger issue, and one that will need to be expanded upon in the future.

As Black people, we are so tired of being trampled upon and outcast that when something does go down, we tend to act out emotionally first. There is no judge and jury. Everybody’s guilty. And that does pose a problem. It means that we think too many of our own aren’t guilty and too many other people are guilty. It’s a legitimate reaction-solely based on the amount of shit Black people have had to and still have to go through-but its one that more times than not needs further examination.

Tawanna Brawley anyone? True, indeed, there are more than enough instances where we are completely justified in our reactions and responses, however, when we’re wrong we tend to just move on to the next shit (Al Sharpton) with very little in the way of regretting any mistakes.

Yeah so pretty much, all the problems in the Black community are Al Sharpton’s fault since he’s at the center of all the ruckus in the Black community.

Think about that for a minute.

Anyway, random I know. But its Friday, and I’m bored.

It was written.

Now that 2005 is out of the way, it’s time for the world to focus on making 2006 a better year. There were numerous blemishes on 2005 that made it one for both the record books and the trash bins. From what was arguably one of the worst years in rap to the social litmus test that Hurricane Katrina was to the continued war in Iraq and the continued ineptitude that is the Bush Administration to 50 Cent, 2005 can basically be summed up in two words…

…it sucked.

To highlight what sucked about 2005 and to expand on an idea that I heard on the Russ Parr Morning show this morning, I’d like to discuss some trends/people/shit I’d like to see die out with 2005.

1) Stop Snitching T-Shirts

This has to be the worst-dumbest-most ignantest-stupidest mainstream trend to hit the streets since crack. These shirts have been discussed ad nauseum by any and everybody but I’m not sure anybody has truly been able to capture the disdain I have for the shirts and the fuckin’ idiots that wear them and live by that credo on a daily basis. Look, I understand the often chaotic and distrusting relationship we have with police in the black community, but this personal affront to law enforcement and cleaning up the streets that our dumb asses live on is just unsmart??

Sometimes I hate black people. This is up there with looting and rioting in your own neighborhood. Pretty soon your just robbing yourself. Hell, people are afraid to turn themselves in for shit now, not because of jail time, but because they don’t to be seen as snitching on themselves. I blame Jim Jones for this.

2) D4L AKA The “Laffy Taffy” Niggas

Their 15 minutes of fame just HAS to be up. I saw these dudes on Rap City one day and I was amazed at the utter stupidity of all 4 members. These niggas represent everything that white people think is wrong with black people today. These dudes came onto the set and the first thing they wanted to talk about was how they all went to jail, they were all from the projects, and they all had to “do what they had to do” to survive. Not to mention the fact that they couldn’t speak English. Is the song catchy? Yes, so is syphillis and you don’t want that do you?

I blame Jim Jones for D4L.

3) Ugggs

These boots look like fat woman ankle socks. I blame Jim Jones for this.

4) Young Jeezy Disgruntled “Snowman” T-Shirts

I don’t have any particular hate for Young Jeezy or the t-shirts, I’m just damn tired of seeing them. Period. Anybody with half a brain that knows a black person knows that the snow=cocaine. The fact that it took so long for school districts to catch on to what the hell these kids were promoting on school grounds (though I assume half of them really didn’t even care about the “snow” reference, they just liked the shirts and they were trendy) means to me that some school districts really aren’t paying attention to the kids that they are entrusted to educate.

I also blame Jim Jones for this.

6) Terrell Owens

I think I hate this ignant nigga. This man’s lunacy reaches so far that the gotdamn NAACP (well, one misguided chapter President AKA one pissed off fan with the ability to get his voice heard) got involved. He singlehandedly tanked an entire NFL organization. It’s like everybody that even comes around him becomes unbearable from his sports agent, Eddie Munster, to Alvin and The Chipmunks, who have nothing to do with him, but I’m sure he’d even make them unenjoyable.

I’ll bet he knows Jim Jones.

7) The Bush Administration

This one doesn’t exaclty fit here, but still, how much damage can one man do? Apparently a lot. It’s like Bush and his cronies don’t even give a shit about anybody. Kanye was off a little. Not only does Bush not care about black people, he doesn’t care about anybody who might even think about thinking about not agreeing with him. Spying on American’s? Fuck it…why not? Big Brother my ass, this nigga is more like a proctologist. All up in everybody’s ass just because he can. I’ll be Jim Jones is a Republican.

50 Cent

Admittedly I’m a fan, but I’d really just like him to take a year long break from our collective media outlets. No more bad but amusing movies, no more bad but amusing group albums (Get Rich or Die Tryin’ Soundtrack), no more stupid ass beef for no reason. No more G-Unit signings (I swear, I heard he was trying to sign Donnie McClurkin to his G-Unit Way North label)…just no more 50. And no more Mobb Deep. I hate you guys.

9) Gwen Stefani

Yeah I know, we all love her. But er um…I’m just tired of seeing her ass everywhere and I’m tired of her walking around with her Harajuku girls/ornaments/accessories. Them girls hung with her like they were her earrings. Wasn’t that exploitation at its finest? That same shit happened with black people in Roots, only then we called it slavery.

10) Tall Tee’s AKA Those T-Shirt Dresses Homothugs were wearing

Why on Earth was this ever a good idea? It’s a dress. Period. No wonder so many women think men are all gay, we took all of the things that made women, women. We took diamonds, we took dresses, we took men. Hell, I even saw a dude reading a Zane book the other day. I think Zane is Jim Jones.

11) Black Eyed Peas (more specifically Will.I.Am.) expecting people to respect their artistry

“My Humps” is the worst song I’ve head in years. And that’s saying a lot considering that Mase put out a whole album of the worst shit he could think of and that Bone Thugs and Harmony did a song with Phil Collins, which is clearly #2 on the worst songs in history list. Bottom line. Nobody respects you all and we laugh. White people with no taste buy your albums. And black people who hang with white people with no taste. See Condoleeza Rice. You know she got the Black Eyed Peas album. She probably knows Jim Jones too.

12) Dip Set making loud bad music

Throughout 2005, they provided more loud annoyingly bad music than any other crew. At least G-Unit brought us The Game’s album and 50′s album had its high points. There was no album out of this entire crew that came with an album worthy of listening too. To include Juelz Santana (of whom I’m actually a fan). The game was not missing your album Juelz, it was on the shelf with the rest of the shit that nobody wanted to buy. I hate Jim Jones.

13) Panama Jackson being such a hater

Fuck you.

14) BET

I’d honestly like the station to just go off the air. It serves no purpose anymore. None. There is nothing on BET that you can’t get somewhere else of better quality.

Also, though unrelated, I’d like the NAACP to drop the “colored” and update it to something more contemporary, like NADA, the National Association of Domestic Africans, that way we know who they do things for and what they do all at the same time, NADA.

15) Fake Fur Women’s Boots

Please stop with the travashamockery that is these ugly as hell boots. I don’t care if I know you and you have some. You look like a gotdamn eskimo. In Atlanta. Or DC. It’s just not a good look. Stop it.

16) Bloods (and I mean the gang, not the American Red Cross) Showing up every damn where

I blame The Game for this, but I swear the Bloods must have a recruitment drive or something. I can’t go anywhere without seeing some nigga with a red bandana hanging out of his right pocket or with red shoelaces to go with his red ensemble. Give me a fucking break. I was in Dover, Delaware…FUCKIN’ DOVER DELAWARE, and there go some nigga all flamed up and shit.

I’m calling for a moratorium on all niggas who aren’t from California being Bloods. If you aren’t from Cali, come up with some new shit. I mean, look at Chicago, they have WHOLE different gangs and shit, Vice Lords, Gangsta Disciples, Black Gangsta Disciples, etc. Just join the umbrella that was created. Either be Folk or part of the Nation. But for goodness sake, leave the Bloods and Crips to Cali where they belong.

Jim Jones is a Blood (of UBN, if I’m not mistaken) it’s all his fault too.

And last but not least…

17) Jim Jones

There’s just not enough words for the type of hater he is. So enough of him…he’s got to go too.

Oh yeah…

18) Houston rappers not named UGK or Geto Boys

For real, most of them suck. And the albums suck along with them. I like Paul Wall, but his album sucked like Mike Jones and Slim Thug and especially that damn Lil Flip. Chamillionaire will not blow. Unless he starts giving his boys head.

And…

19) People questioning that I’m the sexxiest mofo around

That’s just got to end…facts are facts.

I. Am. Panama Jackson.

As January 1 quickly approaches, people will be bending over backwards in attempts to create resolutions for themselves that they will either forget or altogether abandon by February 1.

It’s tradition.

Well, out of the kindness of my heart, I’ve decided to help out a group of overly busy individuals come up with possible New Year’s Resolutions. What group is this?

Rappers.

Yes, those very rappers who provide us with both the opportunity to learn as well as the chance to look up and to the left in disbelief and utter those words that Joseph uttered when he found out that Mary was pregnant…

…what the fuck?

He probably also said “it ain’t mine, I had the sheepskin on extra tight”, but that’s neither here nor there.

Without further ado, and much ado about nothing, and Freddy Adu, Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…

New Year’s Resolutions Suggestions For The Rapper Who Has It All

The Game - *sigh* Stop being a pussy. It was bad enough that you went out and got a butterfly tattoo on your face…

Stop.

In the pantheon of extremely pussy things for a KNOWN gang member to do, this has to be right at #1. I understand the need for change and new life and yada yada yada, but couldn’t you just have got it somewhere else? I know you wanted to offset your “teardrop” and all but damn. It’s like your challenging people to question your manliness. You were already a stripper, then a Change Of Heart contestant, now this.

Also, no more G-Unot tattooes, haircuts, promotional campaigns, etc. In fact, get over 50 Cent. He doesn’t like you and if you don’t start acting like a man…nobody else will either.

Rap skills (of some sort)+pussy demeanor=Ma$e.

And you don’t want to be Mase…not in 2006.

Ma$e - Do not die anytime soon. You will go to Hell. It is in your best interest to resolve to live long enough to repent for all the stupidness you have brung unto yourself in the past 6 months. I’d say you need at least 10 more years to make up for signing with Satan (50 Cent). And pray a lot more this year…for your soul.

And since we’re on this G-Unit kick anyway…

Prodigy (of Mobb Deep) - Please resolve to remove 50 Cent’s dick from your mouth. It is causing you all kinds of problems. From totally bitching out and saying that you’ll do whatever 50 Cent says you can do collabo-wise, to starting up beef with rappers who couldn’t care less about you with whom you’ve COLLABORATED AND CLAIMED TO BE COOL WITH, to just outright thinking that you are a star now because you are aligned with 50, you really are annoying the living fuck out of Mobb Deep fans. You can’t be hard when your spending all of your time on your knees (or since you’re like 5’3″ you might actually be standing up). It’s hard to shoot people while giving head isn’t it Prodigy? Isn’t it?

Benzino - Resolve to just go die and do it quietly. The OZONE Magazine voicemails were quite comical, but you do realize you’re a dickhead right? It is in your best interest for 2006 to just go away. Nobody likes you and I’m sure you’re mother is starting to question her love for you.

“You’se a nigga who don’t even get no props in your set” -DJ Quik “Dollaz ‘n Sense”, 1993

Boston don’t even love you. Just go away.

Eminem - You should resolve to kick up some dust this year and relieve yourself of production duties. Basically, you suck at production. I’m a huge fan, but I don’t even listen to anything past The Marshall Mather LP because the last two albums were garbage. Much like many other people in life, you need inspiration and a nation to basically hate you to be on your A game. I understand this, so go piss somebody off. When you’re great, you’re the best. When you turn in shit like Encore, well, I just get offended….despite ridiculous albums sales.

Ice Cube - Resolve to never rap again. It’s just too hard for me to go from AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted to anything you’ve done since The Predator. Please, for the love of mankind, resolve to put down the mic. That is all. Do keep making movies. They entertain me.

Kanye West – Hmm…Kanye, methinks thou shouldeth resolve to deflate thine head a smidge. However, since you won’t do that anytime soon, and you do keep making some of the best music to date, just stop sucking your own dick long enough for any woman you’re dating to give you some head too. She’s getting jealous Kanye. Oh yes, do not burn any bridges with other Grammy nominated artists by telling MTV that you’re album is way better than the rest, especially when you worked on those other albums (The Emancipation of Mimi). Cocky is one thing, asshole is another. You are neither, you are a dickhead.

Bumaya Kanye! Bumaya Kanye!

50 Cent - Stop being so damn ignorant. And quite taking credit for everything that happens to anybody and everybody. I swear, I heard this nigga take credit for Tom and Katie hooking up (I’m making that up). Also, stay out of politics…and stay out of reporters faces who will ask you political questions, making you like like a damn fool’s damn fool. And umm, stop signing so many nobodies. Nobody wants to hear an Olivia album. Nobody. Especially after the abortion that was Tony Yayo’s album.

Jay-Z – Resolve to stop doing verses on niggas albums that outshine the whole albums. Basically, either give me a new album, or shut the fuck up. You are pissing people off by dropping million dollar verses here and there and making us want another album. Just stop it.

Nas - Resolve to work with somebody who knows how to pick good beats as you have an uncanny ability to pick some of the most godawful beats known to man. Not always, as you did turn in both Illmatic and It Was Written, but I’m convinced somebody else picked those beats and helped to guide your career. Oh yes, and Streets Disciple wasn’t a good album. Please make sure Nasdaq Dow Jones is. No shitty beats.

Young Jeezy - Resolve to take spelling lessons. It is not spelled T-R-A-P-S-T-R. I don’t know if you noticed, but you left out an A. It’s okay, just don’t do it again. Judging by the strange reception you received nationwide, apparently nobody cared that you can’t spell (or rap). Or maybe, they were the kinds of people that wouldn’t know (or care) anyway.

Happy New Year!

I know I been mailing posts in lately…hmm…for those not in the know:

mailing (*insert activity here*) in. def. verb. to do something half-assedly unless you are Keanu Reeves in which case half-assedly is your best effort. see also: Randy Moss, George W. Bush, everybody involved with the movie Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

Seriously, that movie was just bad. Bad bad. I’ve seen worse, the movie Nurse Betty comes to mind or even Straight Outta Brooklyn, but I wasn’t expecting anything with those movies. Chronicles? I had expectations. They were unmet. I blame it on the fact that the movie was rated PG (really? for a movie that features a great battle? no bloodshed) and was fronted by Disney. As soon as I saw “A Walt Disney Production”, I knew it might tank.

It did.

Anyway, I know I’ve been mailing in posts lately and to tell the truth, I’m okay with that. I’ve got a lot going on for 2006 that has been sapping energy left and right. For those that have been coming here (and then emailing me to tell me and rip me privately) and feeling a little less than entertained…kiss my ass and go make a Yahoo! avatar.

That was random as all hell.

And yet it wasn’t because it reminded me of the fact that I believe that Yahoo! is practicing some form of discrimination and probably in cahoots with president Bush. Why you ask? Well, for anybody that uses Yahoo! Messenger, you’re aware that you are able to create an avatar that “resembles” you. I do this a few times a week sometimes. I’ve been told that my avatars are quite the entertainers. It seems however, that none of the avatar options allows the fuller figured women to resemblize the fuller figuredness they maintain in real life.

Basically? All the avatars require you to be a skinny-as-the fuck (if you’re a woman) modelesque bodied woman. Minus the cocaine. I can’t tell you how many folks I know in real life who are nowhere NEAR the size of the avatars that are being used on Yahoo! This is discriminatory and quite a mindfuck actually. Many women (and some men) have esteem issues stemming from weight and appearance. But who doesn’t want to make an avatar? There’s the rub (and the scratch and the ipsy ipswitch). You end up creating an avatar of what you might actually want to look like…and then take a look at yourself looking like Orca…for men and women.

This is where Bush comes in to play. You see, they’ve been stressing (or was that Arnold) physical fitness and the like in hopes of getting everybody to look like a white model!!!!! This is the first step. Give you the opportunity to create an ideal self and then feel disgust that you look like 4 of your ideal selves.

Fuckin’ Starbucks.

Subject change.

I lived in Frankfurt, Germany for about 8 years growing up, from age 6 to 13 (right before I turned 14). Those were the best times of my life growing up and I met some great people. Well, at my middle school, Frankfurt American Middle School, I met and befriended some great folks, a few of which I’ve still kept in touch with today. I even ended up dating a chick I knew from like 6th grade who I found out was living in Atlanta during my freshman year in college.

That relationship got dropped off a cliff.

In 8th grade, me and another young lady were Voted Most Likely to Suceed and took a picture together for the yearbook. Ironically, about 12 years later, we ran into eachother at a friend’s Friends final episode party. Of course we didn’t recognize eachother and would have continued on with our merry little lives had somebody not asked me about my life story since I was the only black male at a Friend’s party dressed in young urban apparel (to include a black bandana) who seemed to know as much about the show as the white people that were there. Folks wanted to know who the hell I was…we talked then all of a sudden out of nowhere, we realized who eachother was. That was truly a fun moment…what are the odds that we would somehow be linked together after 12 years randomly through a friend of mine from Spelman who went to grad school with her, ya know?

I miss my friends from Germany and even though I haven’t seen them in YEARS, I still look for some of them online by googling random people. I did that yesterday and was greeted with the news that a friend of mine just passed not more than 3 weeks ago. We hadn’t talked in years, and I’m not sure she would even remember me…but we were good friends in middle school in Germany.

And it hurt.

Despite the distance and years, I felt a sudden rush of sadness as if I had just lost a friend I talked to the day before. The reason I Googled her is because she was on a TV series that ran in August and I figured, maybe something new had been going on.

I wasn’t prepared for the news that she had passed. In fact, I didn’t want to believe it, but there was her picture with an obituary, front and center, with he parents names (our families knew eachother as well) and her history, to include living in Frankfurt, Germany.

And it still hurts because at one point, she was my friend. I just feel for her parents because she passed right after thanksgiving in a car accident and her parents have to go through Christmas without their daughter.

All that to say, it’s amazing how you can still feel sadness for somebody you haven’t seen or spoken to in years. She was my friend back in the early 90′s and yet all these years later, I feel like I lost a friend…today.

I know that’s sad, and I know it’s life, but it still hurts. I’m a 26 year old black man…I was born into sensitivity.

One day, I plan on writing about the point in my life where I realized that I couldnt take life for granted…and this just reinforced the notion I had.

One day you’re here, and then you’re gone.

So to everybody who comes thru here and reads my rantings and ravings and musings and what not, you are appreciated, and thanks for even caring about the most random things I have to say. And coming back…I’m pretty sure I offer many reasons not too…but thanks for sleepwalking.

To end this on a lighter note (and since I’m starting to feel like my wrists are uncharacteristically bending downward) I’ll be out of here for the rest of the week in the snowy Tundra of nowhere Michigan. I’m not going to Detroit…no.

I’m going to the part of Michigan where deer show up on your front step. And John Deere is a local hero.

A placed named after a little white French man who conquered Europe before his death.

I’m going to where my cellphone doesn’t get any service.

Which means I’m out for at least a week.

Peace 2 da earfs, Gods, and seeds.

Bitches.

Merry Christmahanukwanzaakah.

Welcome to where your vote could make the difference!!! Follow me.

This is how a simple question can turn into a 2 hour argument and then turn into a question to be posed to the masses en route to becoming something worthy of hours of hot fun in the summertime…or not.

Saturday, December 10, 2005, approximately 730pm, somewhere in an apartment in Northeast Washington, DC

Ponderous Panama: Yo, you know Xscape’s song, “Who Can I Run To?”, is that a remake?

Builtfromwax: Yeah, by the Jones Girls.

*going to CD stacks to pull CD out of stacks…that he went to*

PP: Hmm…is it better than the Xscape version? Cuz Xscape staright murdered that track dog. Them girls can sing. I love their version.

Builtfromwax: We can listen to it. But I think the Jones Girls might have them.

*listening to Jones Girls CD that was pulled from the stacks that he went to after the question was asked that propelled the journey to the stacks for which the Jones Girls was pulled from…I could really do this all day*

PP: Dude, Xscape’s version is better.

B: I don’t know man…I like the Jones Girls.

PP: You know, folks always say that the original songs are better, but for real, sometimes the remakes are better…

That conversation you just witnessed, or didn’t witness, spawned a debate about whether or not people do justice to remakes or not. I know a lot of people who will swear up and down that remakes are never better than the original. The problem is that a lot of people are just damn wrong. The fact that something came first does not make it better…it makes it first.

After a roughly 2 hour debate, it was surmised that, potentially, this could make for a question to pose to the Negroes (and white folks and Hispanics and virtually any other ethnic group that doth transcendeth upon the site controlled by the good folks at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises…that’d be me…Panama “Oh So Sexxy” Jackson) to get the general public’s take. Being as many people who venture to these fine digs are themselves music lovers and probably music snobs…

[***DISCLAIMER: *sigh* You fuckers know that you're music snobs. You can read and pretend that you don't watch BET. I'm a music snob at times. Amazing isn't it, coming from the guy who recommended both Ray J and Omarion albums? However, don't be acting like you all open-minded and shit...if you're a snob, claim your shit. Also, if you have any beef with the fact that I'm making a blanket statement and assuming that you reading muhfuckas are snobs, well, kiss my ass, go play in traffic on a Wednesday in any major city between 4 and 6pm...and die. Thank you. ***]

…I’d assume that many folks think the original of any song is better than the remake. I suspect that people might even say that Bobby Womack’s version of “If You Think You’re Lonely Now” is better than K-Ci of Jodeci’s remake version from the Jason’s Lyric soundtrack.

And you’d be wrong.

No really…I mean it. From the bottom of my heart.

Oh suck it up.

So with that in mind, the question being posed to you wonderfully splendiferous readers of this here scholarly scrollesque engravatious journalistic diary-etic (as opposed to a diaretic) blog is…

…are the original versions of songs always better than the remakes? Is there some default law that states this to be true?

Today, we will answer this question. I (with the help of my man hunnid grand, Builtfromwax) have chosen 6 (count ‘em 6) songs that have been remade and remade well. However, the question is whether or not they managed to do a better job or not than the folks who crafted the original.

Believe you me, this is a social science experiment that could have reverberations for eons to come. Or at least until next week when I head to Michigan for my Christmas vacation.

The radio blog (over there to the right under the WJGT Radio header) will feature the originals and the remakes for your aural, or if you don’t know what aural means, listening, pleasure.

[***EDIT (as of 924am): Umm...you know that saying, last night a DJ saved my life?? Well that DJ definitely wouldn't have been Panama Jackson. Somehow...somehow...I managed to put Mary's "My Life" on the radio blog instead of "I'm Going Down". Oops??!?!!! Also, apparently the electric powers that be rejected the assertion that Trina Broussard could even think about comparing to Minnie Riperton...resulting in what has become a total acid sounding 2 second clip of nothing. Thank you...I will correct this later. THIS is why you must proofread and proof-upload shit kiddies...oops, indeed. ***]

You ever notice how using short sentences and signifying them as paragraphs makes entries seem shorter?

No?

Hmm…just a thought.

Anyway, onto the comparisons…are you ready? Let’s begin shall we? Yes…we shall.

Jackson G. Tickle Ent. Presents-I Invented The Remake…But Really Didn’t At All

Round 1: “Who Can I Run To?” - The Jones Girls Vs. Xscape

You know, I like the Jones Girls, I really do, but to me, Xscape just sings their asses off on this version and besides, the leading chick in Xscape (the big one) outsings the leading chick in the Jones Girls (whoever the hell she may be). This is a favorite of mine. The Jones Girls do their thing and all, but Jermaine Dupri knows how to pick talent…at least leading talent anyway. Did the light skinneded girl ever actually sing? Tiny is her name by the way. By the way…has anybody SEEN the Jones Girls lately? No…that really is a question, I really want to know if anybody even knows if their alive. By the way, don’t you love how I used “by the way” back to back in one of those prior two sentences? You know, where I saidy by the way…then by the way? Wasn’t that hot? Aren’t I sexxy? Why so many questions? Do I even know? Do you know where you’re running to? Do you know the things that life is showing you?

Just questions…

What? Can a brotha ask questions?

Picks: Panama-Xscape Builtfromwax-The Jones Girls

By the way…anybody who goes against what I pick is essentially wrong. Just thought I’d share.

I don’t really mean that.

Mazel Tov!

Round 2: “I’m Going Down”- Rose Royce vs. Mary J. Blige

Umm…to me this is plain to see, you can’t change me, cuz I’mma be a nigga for life. Sorry, just had an NWA flashback. As far as I’m concerned, this really isn’t any competition. You can feel Mary’s emotion on this song. Hell, K-Ci probably beat her ass AND stole her cocaine right before she sang this song, which is why you just feel her pain…despite the shittiest video this side of Warren G’s “Get U Down” video. I love Rose Royce and Gwen Dickey (who was singing lead at that time) got her grizzly on, especially on other songs from the Car Wash soundtrack (which is where this song came from), but she’s no match for Mary. Listen for yourself…

Picks: Panama -Mary J. Blige Builtfrowax-Rose Royce

And no, I have no idea what he (with he being Builtfromwax) was thinking with that pick.

Round 3: “Lately”- Jodeci vs. Stevie Wonder

Oh boy…here’s where it gets tricky because you know, there are people out there who really think Stevie Wonder can sing. Now see, I applaud the musical genius that he is…we are going to be hardpressed to find another man as great at songwriting and music masterpiecing as Stevie…however, he is not a good singer. Period. K-Ci and JoJo’s version, was live, so you know they had to put their foot in it. I tend to think that folks would just feel guilty for saying that anybody actually outshined Stevie, on a Stevie song. And for that reason….

…I’ll say it. I like Jodeci’s better. Fuck it. Builtfrom wax picked Stevie Wonder here…I can’t be mad though, I figure most people will.

And yes, I abandoned the way I was laying out picks. Sue me.

Actually don’t sue me, I have no money.

Round 4: “Cruisin’” -Smokey Robinson vs. D’Angelo

You know, I do not like Green Eggs and Ham and I do not like Smokey Robinson. I never have. It is for that reason I pick D’Angelo off of GP. I mean did you hear how fuckin’ horribly Smokey sounded singing that craptastic ass song at the end of The Temptations Movie? Shit sounded like monkies fucking in ass buckets. However, I know a lot of people really like Smokey Robinson and he is one of the architects of Motown…however, this is about the damn song, and for my money, give me D’Angelo every time. Builtfromwax agrees…D’Angelo all the way.

America…fuck yeah.

Round 5: “Inside My Love” -Minnie Riperton Vs. Trina Broussard (off the Love Jones soundtrack)

You know, let me tell you how this one played out. So we’re listening to Trina Broussard sing. Loving it actually. In fact, she did a damn good job. I was ready to say she did it justice and it might be as good as Minnie Ripperton’s version. That was until we listened to Minnie’s version. After that first 85th octave note, it was no contest. Minnie’s voice has no equal save Mariah Carey. She could hold those notes too. Man, I just wanted to hug her. Too bad she died a long time ago. Therefore, it is altogether impossible, to say Trina’s version is better. I do not want to hug Trina and haven’t listened to her version since. Minnie it is. We both agreed.

Round 6: “Sadie” - The Sprewells AKA The Spinners vs. El Pervo Loco AKA R. Kelly

As much as Ilike R. Kelly (in the words of Huey from The Boondocks, “I think you’re underestimating how much niggas love R. Kelly”…nigga=Panama), and as much as he be singing his ass off, I just really like the Spinners version. It just has that real soulful feel to it. Don’t get me wrong, I can understand how folks could say that R. Kelly’s version is better, notwithstanding the fact that his mother’s name isn’t Sadie. You know…it’s amazing, no matter the discussion about music R. Kelly’s evil genius ass name will always come up. He’s one of the few folks that I’d trust with a remake to do it the proper justice and do it better. And on pretty much any other song, I’d agree, I just like the Spinners version better.

We both agreed on The Spinners.

***BONUS ROUND****

(Really, what makes it a bonus round? Isn’t it just Round 7?? I’m with you, except I’m the one doing it…and I’m sexxier than you. Love me.)

Round 7: “Can You Stand The Rain?” -New Edition Vs. Boyz II Men

How many of you have actually heard Boyz II Men’s version? Not many I presume, my dear Watson. However, Boyz II Men’s remake of this song is so ridiculously good that I’m willing to say its better than one of my favorite songs of all times from one of my favorite groups of all time. Do you realize that the only two people who could actually sing sing in New Edition were Ricky and Johnny? And if you say Ralph could sing you should drink some Berillium and smoke a cyanide laced donkey tail. Builtfromwax hasn’t heard this, but I’m saying Boyz II Men’s version is better. Painful I know…but true nonetheless.

There you have it. I’m making the call that the original versions of many songs just isn’t as good as the remade versions. But I need your help to figure out if this is true or not. Join me in the comments as we duke it out, mano y mano, friend versus foe, Mamas vs. Papas, Sly versus The Family Stone, Bootsy Collins versus The Rubber Band, etc. You see where I’m going with this.

Are originals better??? You be the judge.

And for your cooperation, I’m adding this video clip of one of the funniest damn renditions of Destiny’s Child “Soldier” you’ll ever see. Make sure you watch this with the volume turned down. It’s gangsta like that. And…

You. Are. Not. Ready.

I’ll be the first to admit that the race card isn’t always necessary…then again…

As seen in the Miami Herald (and pretty much every other major national publication):

Wal-Mart goof draws apology

Wal-Mart has apologized for accusing a black man picking up gift cards for his company of trying to pass a bad check and calling sheriff’s deputies on him.

After the incident, Pitts’ company decided to buy its gift cards from Target instead.

*****

I wonder how Destiny’s Child feels about those gifts they got in that commercial now?

I don’t even have anything else to say about that…sometimes the story just tells it all.

Make sure you tune in to Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises tomorrow to provide insight and help us answer an age old question…(you have to show up to find out the actual question). Help us determine whether or not new really is better…

…you can get with this, or you can get with that. As long as you get up on the down stroke, you’re alright with me!

…whatever the hell I want to speak on.

I’m Panama Jackson.

Love me.

Seriously, work has been whipping my ass like it’s 1827 and I’m in the middle of Virginia somewhere. This only happens three times a year, but I must ask myself this question:

If I work for the federal government, what the hell am I doing going to work on the weekend?

With that said, I’ve found myself wrapped up in lots of random thoughts ranging from Tookie to Tootsie Rolls. Allow me to share.

Actually, even if you don’t allow it, I’m going to anyway. I’m just that type of guy.

-RIP Richard Pryor. This man truly did it all. Anybody who burns half of his body free-basing and lives to tell (and joke) about it is alright with me. I know we’ve been kind of expecting him to die, but this one hit me like Luther’s did. I just really wasn’t ready for it.

-RIP Tookie…martyr you are not. However, it seems that the intended goal (though not the practiced goal) of institutionalization should be redemption. It seems that he turned his life around. Granted, I don’t know all the facts but when a man has managed to turn his life around and get nominated for two Nobel Peace Prizes I just don’t know if you want to have that on your Heaven resume. You off’ed a man that the international community has recognized as a peacemaker. Ahnold…God doesn’t like ugly…even Austrian ugly. Bottom line, I’m just not a big fan of the death penalty. The “system” has proven itself to be wrong enough times where it is quite possible that you are executing an innocent man…

…which Tookie was not. I mean, even if they’re wrong on the 4 he’s convicted for, he definitely has somebody’s blood on his hands. Hell, probably thousands of people’s blood. Hell, he’s indirectly responsible for Damon Wayan’s HORRIBLE acting job in the movie “Colors”. But isn’t life without parole punishment enough? Maybe that’s just me.

Onto more lighter things (and mostly music related)…

-Kanye West and John “My Arms Are Too Short To Play Piano With God” Legend were nominated for 8 Grammy’s, and Common was nominated for 4. I’ll be damned if Kanye hasn’t put his stamp on music this year. Even the white people are noticing. Asshole Kanye may be, but he does what he does well. He made Common relevant again, I think that’s good enough for a Grammy or two. Talk about dreaming the impossible dream…

-Speaking of Common, I think the video for “Testify” was a dumb ass idea. For one, hasn’t the “Usual Suspects” storyline been stretched a little thin thus far? For two, it’s one of the worst songs on the album and the story isn’t even that interesting. And for C, it’s not a single. Period. Why waste money on that video, which isn’t going to sell you anymore records…hmmm…you know what, I take that back. It didn’t even matter. Everybody who was going to buy Common’s album, has Common’s album. At this point, Common needs to just start a beef with a rapper, like…

-…this guy, Bow Wow. Come on down…fuckin’ idiot. Bow Wow, in the latest issue of XXL magazine has decided to publicly diss…

…wait for it…

…almost there…

…Dandelions In The Parking Garage. Coming Soon!…

…aww shoot, I broke a nail…

…Will Smith.

Yes that Will Smith. Even went out of his way to say that he could be a better actor than Will. Claimed that Will Smith was just a gimmick rapper and that he was a real rapper. *sigh* I don’t hate Bow Wow, but you have just qualified for one of the Most Ignant Niggas of 2005 because somehow, I think he believes what he said. Which makes him ignant. Delusional as well. For somebody who HAS to wake up every morning and thank the Lord for the fact that he is publicly linked to Ciara despite being 4’11″ and probably not even having her phone number, he sure is becoming a cocky little fuck. Especially since Will Smith has probably sold more albums than he has.

-I saw the absofuckin’lutely worst video of a shitty (“Get U Down”) song on vh1 soul the other day, courtesy of Warren G., Ice Cube, B-Real, and Snoop. Word to the gangsta rappers out there who might be reading this right now…fuckin’ stop with the gay ass peace/social commentary songs. Seriously. I have no problem with “We’re All In The Same Gang” style songs, but this one is just bad, on everybody’s part. Ice Cube needs to leave the hardcore facial expressions alone. I saw “Are We There Yet?”…you look more natural smiling bitch. Essentially, we don’t believe you, you need more people. Hell, Snoop just did his whole verse on his son’s football team and how he’s contributing to the community that way. Forget that other shit.

Best line of the song? Ice Cube talking about how black folks need to lay off the brown folks hating and wanting the “illegals” to leave Cali (i’m paraphrasing mostly because it’s a pain to listen to):

“Chill Mufasa, this was they casa”

I can only assume Mufasa was the name chosen to represent black folks. I hate Ice Cube.

-I stopped being a diehard Mary J. Blige fan after “Share My World.” I think Mary fans either love her entire catalog or stop at that album. There is no middle ground. I have her new album…I listened to it, and just went and listened to “My Life” again. My life (no pun intended) is just better that way. Hmm…that was an unintentional play on words. I’m educational even when I don’t realize it.

Panama for President in 2008: The Education President-Learnin’ niggas whether dey like it or not!

-I also have Jamie Foxx’s new album. Pretty good album. Never realized how consumed with sex this man is. Which puts him in the same category with roughly every current day male singer not named D’Angelo. Very new age album and catered to the under 35 crowd. Lots of sex and bedroom talk, evidenced by songs such as “Warm Bed” and “Can I Take You Home”. But somebody needs to explain to me what was up with zebra tattoo he’s sporting in the “Unpredictable” video. It makes me uncomfortable. I keep having nighmares of zebras running through Africa while Elton John sings “The Circle of Life”.

Hold.

Me.

-I hate Floetry. Thank you.

-I also have Anthony Hamilton’s new album. Get this album, when it comes out. I assume that purchasing this album contributes to the Get This Nigga A Haircut Fund. That is all.

-I finally saw Diary of a Mad Black Woman last week. I didn’t want to see this movie at all. I hate Tyler Perry’s plays and being a black man with black parents and family members, those damn bootleg DVDs get broke out at every family gathering of the past 2 years so I’ve seen enough of them to know I’d hate the movie. I was pleasantly surprised, notwithstanding that horrid hairdo Shemar Moore was sporting. Good googly moogly. And who the hell wears a bandana everywhere? In my heyday, I was notorious for rocking bandanas, but even I took it off to go out to eat at a nice place. Anywho, I enjoyed the movie and that nigga Charles made me want to cut him, but I’ll be damned if seeing Elise Neal acting in revenge didn’t make me want to cut her as well. So it’s even. Let me say, though I liked it, it wasn’t the best movie…but then again, I enjoyed Garfield, Are We There Yet?, and have seen Fat Albert a good 30 times…so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

-If you’re still reading this right now…sweet. The best song you haven’t heard is by a dude named Scar signed to Big Boi of Outkast fame’s Purple Ribbon label. He has a song on the Got Purp? Volume 2 album called “What Is This?” You need this song in your life. I promise.

-I think I’m the only person in America who really likes The Fighting Temptations. I watch it everytime it comes on. I just can’t get enough of Beyonce, bad weave and all. She is still Beyonce and that’s good enough for me. I even got the soundtrack. Hmm…

-I have recently realized how big a fan of choir oriented gospel music I am. That’s what pushed me over the top on Diary Of A Mad Black Woman. The last church scene where they were singing “Father Can You Hear Me?” I almost teared up, til I realized I’m a gangsta. I thusly went outside and robbed an old woman.

Finally…coming Friday, at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises, a special treat…a question is finally answered. Tune in Friday and vote! You can get with this…or you can get with that…

Employee: Will this be all for you? Will you be paying with cash, check, or credit card?

Customer: I’ll be using my race card. Thank you.

Now how funny would it be to see that situation occur and see somebody pull out the Black American Express card, or the African-American Express as Kanye so eloquently stated?

But I’m not talking about credit cards, I’m talking about the race card. And quite frankly, that’s all you need.

I’m black.

Let me repeat that for those who are unaware or can’t read who in essence wouldn’t need me to repeat it since you aren’t reading this anyway and it isn’t like this is out on CD or anything so I supposed the only reason I’m repeating is because I actually want to repeat it again. I supposed I’m just arrogant like that. I’m also arrogant enough to ask you, why are there dandelions in the parking garage (I know you have no idea…I’m sexxy)?

*ahem*

I’m black.

Now as a black person in America, I have been afforded certain luxuries. I get to be on the leading edge of where youth culture is going and lead impressionable white youth through the rebellious phase that their parents despise that will be ultimately grown out of. I get to be the first to see how effectively the police force is policing a neighborhood. I also get the luxury of being the first guy picked on an outside basketball court if nothing but white players are playing.

I also get to use the race card at my discretion. Yes, as a black person, I get to proclaim that race played a part in pretty much any situation where it is even remotely possible that race could have negatively impacted a situation. Sometimes I’m right, but sometimes I’m wrong. The bottom line is that given this country’s history, I’m within my full rights to do so at my leisure.

I watched the finale of America’s Next Top Model last night. And yes, I watch that show. I even pick favorites and have conversations with people about the show. This show is living proof that if you are pretty (or unique looking) somebody will pay and you can have a good life. I mean seriously, what other talents do these women actually have despite their God (or whoever you pray too or if you aren’t religious, biolgically configured genetic)-given looks? Yet, there they are, on display trying to make a living off of facial expressions and their genetics. And I have no issue with that, I think its great. That’s why I watch it.

[***DISCLAIMER: I don't want to hear about how these models have talent and what not. Give me a fucking break. Aside from the ability to walk in a straight line and snort coke at an amazing speed, neither of which are exactly marketable skills, there isn't much talent necessary. Shit, throw a carb-filled potato and a Shakesperean sonnet at them and they'll take of running and screaming. So cut the shit about the talented models. It takes a look and sometimes a gas-induced look to be a model. And being tall...that helps a lot. So if you are a model and are offended by any statements I make...snort some coke, shut the fuck up and smile. Go stand and look interesting somewhere. ***]

Well, after Bree was eliminated last night…I wonder if anybody in America actually thought Bree was going to win. Talk about something that wasn’t going to happen. There was a better chance of the KKK letting me speak at their next convention than Bree winning. Either way, after Bree was eliminated and it was Nicole and Nik left, something dawned on me. If Nik loses, the race card is going to be pulled.

Nik lost. The race card was pulled.

Right after it was announced that Nicole won, my little sister and I took out a bet on who the first person to pull the race card was going to be. I said my girlfriend would.

I was right.

In less than one hour, the race card had been pulled.

Let me be very clear about this…I think that given the runway performance, Nicole won. It was Nik’s to lose because she was on par for the most part. But Nicole flipped the script. I wasn’t prepared. I wanted Nik to win much like every other black person. And further, though I thought she did take outstanding pictures, I wanted her to win mostly because she was, well, black.

I’m sure most black people felt that way. But I’m also sure that a lot of black people will say that Nicole won because she was white and two black chicks had won in prior years. I’m not saying it isn’t possible, we all know that when race can play a factor, it usually does. However, I actually think Nicole deserved to win.

While we’re talking about Nik…oh, we weren’t we? Hmm, while we’re talking about Nik, isn’t she the most unattractive attractive woman, like ever? When I first saw her I thought she was the most ugmo of ugmo’s. But when she takes pictures, she looks good. And last night, for the first time I thought she looked quite attractive at the panel. She’s unique looking. So unigue that she’s uglily beautiful. Any dude dating her will somehow be the envy of other dudes. Luckily, she has gorgeous eyes because if she didn’t, she’d be busted for real. Just strange.

Yep, I don’t think the race card is appropriate in this situation…but then again, I actually think Nicole stole it from Nik with the runway. For those that don’t think that should have done it, the race card is appropriate. I must say though, that I have a problem with the race card being pulled at every damn turn.

Everything isn’t racism. I’m sorry. I know as black people, we’ve had some fucked up times and will have more and I think that in 75 percent of cases, we are justified in pulling the race card. But in those other 25, well we are just full of shit. I swear, anytime a muhfucka can say race is why something didn’t work out for them they do.

Dandelions in the parking garage. Why?

You didn’t get that job? It’s because them white muhfucka’s don’t want no black faces around. You got put in jail…another case of the white cops fucking with black people. Maybe they caught your ass committing a crime. Sometimes, just sometimes, it has nothing to do with race and more to do with the situation as presented before you.

Now, I know we’ve been conditioned to feel like it’s always race given this countries racist history and the PC racism that goes on today. But I think sometimes it causes us to make too many assumptions. We assume we didn’t get the job becasue the company’s racist…we never once think that somebody else may have been more qualified.

COMING SOON. The 2nd Annual Jackson G. Tickle Michael Jackson/Condoleeza Rice Most Ignant Black Person of 2005 Pageant!! Coming January 9th, 2006 to We The Voices/JGT Enterprises…it’s coming back bitches.

Let me also say, I believe in affirmative action so like Chris Rock said, “If it’s a tie…fuck ‘em.” I wholeheartedly agree with that, but you know…everything isn’t a gotdamned tie.

And nobody ever thinks about that side. I’ll be the first person to call a spade a spade, and say some shit is racist if I actually believe it has some racial undertones. But last night…muhfuckin’ Nik dropped the ball and Nicole busted that ass like Tyson in the 80′s. I’ve already talked with more than enough people to realize that folks are gonna throw the race card around like that shit is a football in Indianapolis, but in this case, I don’t think it fits.

To Nicole, congratulations. I hate you.

To Nik, you ugly fine woman, you’ll land on your feet b/c you only lost due to the runway and the fact that the damn Twiggy-heiffer didn’t like you from the beginning.

And for everybody that is heated about Nik losing…

…just call Jesse.

It’s been an extremely busy week at work. And yes, I’m aware that it’s only Tuesday. In fact, it’s so busy, I’m not even typing this right now, I’m borrowing my grandmother’s NS-5 robot right now who is begrudgingly typing out this entry whilst I enter thousands and thousands (literally) of numbers into Excel spreadsheets in hopes of giving your favorite lawmakers some idea of how good taxpayer money is being spent.

But, since me and Lenny Williams have so much in common, I decided to post something anyway. And to ice the cake Betty Crocker style, it’s going to be something personal. See, little do many of you know, Panama (that third person speaking oh so sexxy superfly smack that ass daddy mack that makes you want to jump) was something of a sports legend growing up. I played soccer, basketball, football (albeit for a very short time), ran track/indoor track, and cross country. Basically, during all the seasons, I was busy running around. Does this make me a legend? No…but this is my story.

And for those folks who are trying to figure out what me and Lenny Williams have in common, we both love you.

Well, since most people have played some sports at one time or another, hearing tales about the common sports isn’t so exciting. Who didn’t get knocked the fuck out one good time while playing football?? I know I did. Who didn’t their shot blocked so badly, they heard an entire gym say “Ooooooooooooh” only to be saved by the fat girl who very uneducatedly walked into the gym wearing a two piece purple jumpsuit, sparking one comedically inclined gentleman to yell out, “Hey Kooooooooool-Aid.”

Good times.

Today, I’m going to share some sports stories from my life involving other sports. Sports that aren’t so popular (actually a few of these are going to be popular sports, fuck you and goodnight)…and how I ended up leaving those sports alone permanently (or not).

Panama Jackson Presents…Fulton’s Follies Ain’t Got Shit On Mine-Sports 101

Panama Tries the 110 High Hurdles

I used to live in a townhome in Germany. Behind my home were more townhomes. Well, in the house directly behind mine was my friend Brant. Me and Brant were best buds. Well, as any 11 years old love to do, one Friday, we came up with the bright idea for me to spend the night at his house, which in 1990 was innocent, but in 2005 just sounded very fishy. My house had a backyard. I had to go thru my backyard and hop a fence to get to Brant’s house. So…I asked my parents, they said yes. Then I began my warm ups. I stretched. I ate a granola bar. They called my race to the starting line. I lined up (walked out my back door). I took off. I need to mention here that I didn’t actually start growing until I was in 11th grade. I was something like 4’11″ through 10th grade which means I couldn’t jump to save my life. So I’m running and in my excitement I decide to try something I’ve never done before…hurdle my fence. I believed I could do it. You can see where this is going.

Gravity and my white mother’s jumping ability disagreed. I leaped. Oh my goodness, the air up there was lovely. I could see the Alps and caught a breath of fresh air. I was on my way to winning the race until I realized that something had caught my foot and was trying to propel me back. Then I noticed…I caught my foot on the fence and in one forward motion went head first into the concrete sidewalk. Up. Down. Head. First. First round KO. When I finally came too I was upset because my mom said I couldn’t stay at Brant’s house since I had an extra head with eyes that winked at me growing out of my forehead.

I never tried the hurdles again. *sigh*

Panama Tries Miniature Golf

My real mother lives about an hour west of Detroit. Some summers when I was young, my little sister and I would stay with her. While she was at work, we used to stay with two kids (boy and girl) of one of her co-workers. One day, the parents all took us mini-golfing. The kids we used to stay with were baseball and softball players. They were really good too. Well, I tee up. I have the hole in my sights. A hole in one will win it for the team. (Actually, I have no idea which hole it was and its mini-golf, who cares?) I line up my shot by carefully and geometrically sizing up the clown and windmill. Then all of a sudden WHAP!!!

Nobody knew what happened but everybody saw me drop my club, scream, and take off running all around the mini-golf course like black people when they hear “Free food”. Seriously, I lapped the entire place in a good 30 seconds. I couldn’t stop screaming long enough to tell everybody that the young girl we were with had swung her golf club like a baseball bat for no reason whatsoever and connected for a home run with my right ear. She knew it, but she said nothing. Rat bastard. People thought I got stung by a bee. I felt like I got beat up Rodney King style…and this was before Rodney King was even Rodney King. I had a premonition. No lie, I screameded for 10 minutes straight.

To this day, I still suck at mini-golf because I always see the ghost of the Billy Club coming at me.

Panama Tries BASEketball

I’ve done some stupid things in my life, but this is by far the stupidest. Kids, do not do this at home. Never, ever, under any circumstance, try to play baseball with a basketball. You know why? I’ll tell you why. One day, whilst amongst my friends, I decided to attempt such dumbfuckery.

I threw a basketball in the air, and swung my metallic Louisville Slugger with all my might! I connected. I heard that I hit that ball far. The reason I heard it and didn’t see it, is because the recoil from hitting a rubber ball filled with air with all of my might forced the metal bat to bounce off of the ball back into my head knocking me the fuck out. Literally.

Dumb. Ass.

Panama Tries Parachuting (Kind Of)

It’s amazing I didn’t break my body doing this. But let’s just say me and my friends used to jump off of my garage onto a congrete parking lot to see who could do it and stay standing. Few were successful. Let’s just say this is where I learned a very valuable lesson. The reason you are supposed to bend your knees when you land is because if you don’t, it will feel like a swarm of locusts have crawled into your bones and began feasting on your bone marrow while watching re-runs of Animaniacs and the Emanuelle series on Skinemax. I thought I could feel my bones shatter as I stood there looking in terrifired horror at my 10 year old legs. I did the only conceivable thing I could of.

After the pain went away, did it again the right way. Only one of my friends actually broke any bones doing this. They’re both fine now. Luckily he was white so he had a promising future in business since he killed his sports career.

Panama Tries Baseball and The Javelin Throw Simultaneously

I learned how to play baseball early. I also learned that I sucked at baseball early. The reason was that for some reason, I just never wanted to hold the bat after I got a hit. I would swing the bat, hit the ball, and let the bat go at the same time. I did this so long that folks knew to get out of the way when I was batting.

Except that one little girl. Poor thing.

She never saw it coming. Yeah, I apologized for hurling a metal projectile at her unintentionally but our relationship was never the same.

Damn shame about those teeth though. *shudder*

Panama Tries Skateboard Parachuting (Kind Of)

When I was living in Germany, my friends were white. This means that they listened to Ice Cube, loved Jordan, and wanted to be professional basketball players. However, they were still white. So we used to come up with some totally stupid shit to do. Remember the garage we used to jump off of? Well that got boring after a good week…so we decided to skateboard off of it.

Oy vey.

Let’s just say that none of us could reach the top of this garage structure by jumping. It was about 11 feet high. Also, it’s important to be able to keep your feet on the board when jumping. If not, then you go out like my boy Mike…he was a champion though. He got out of the hospital in a good week. Luckily, he went first.

And cuz I’m getting bored, the last one…

Panama Tries BMX Biking Part 1

When I was very young, like 5, living in Michigan, I had older friends who would look after me while my mom was working or busy. One of these friends got me a juvenile record for shoplifting a little while later (apparently you can’t just take toys out of the store), but that’s neither here nor there. I had just learned how to ride my bike so it was time to learn how to jump. Kids, always keep your feet on the pedals or you’ll go out like me. Which means you’ll go out rolling all over the ground while your bike lands on top you and you scream like a little bitch…actually, that shit hurt. A lot. Just keep your feet on the pedals.

Panama Tries BMX Biking Part 2

In Germany, we lived near a major intersection. However one street which had a huge upward hill at the end of it, was like a huge playground for us. We’d skateboard and ride our bikes and race down the hill narrowly avoiding tragedy by turning onto a street right before the intersection. Well, one year for Christmas, my sister got a Blue Max. She didn’t ride it very much. And what does that mean kiddies? It means the brakes never got broken in.

Crystal ball anyone?

So, me being the Dan Danger I was, decided to take my sisters Blue Max down that hill, totally forgetting about the brakes. So I was riding down the hill and picking up speed. It was time to apply the brakes. OH SHIT!!! The brakes don’t work!!!! Quick…quick…what to do what to do!! Two options…1) I can just ride into traffic and hope I don’t get hit or I can do what I did, the third dumbest thing I’ve done in my life, option 2) stick my foot in the front part right above the wheel to stop the bike.

People, when you’re doing about 40 MPH going down a hill there is only one outcome. You are going to flip over the handelbars and land on the concrete, roll down the street and the bike is going to follow you and land on top of you at the bottom of said hill with the great thud! You will scream and you will way there until your older sister comes, picks you up and carries your screaming crying ass home for the asswhipping your father will bestow upon you.

It was written.

Sports are fun.