I’ve got two words for you: Jean “Motherfucking” Strahan.

Also known as the ex-wife, divorcé of one New York Football Giant, Michael Strahan.

Actually that’s three words unless you just count the “Motherfucking” as a nickname (which I do), therefore making it interchangeable, which still renders it as two words. Logic be damned.

Fellas, you REALLY need to consider the shit that you do while you’re married because this here justice system is going to fuck you with no vaseline. Basically, don’t get caught cheating on your wife or you just might lose roughtly 70 percent of your net worth.

Yes bitches, not 50, but 70.

Such is the case in this sad tale about divorce, retribution, and a (must be) woman judge.

To wit:

Michael got taken to the cleaners to the tune of $15.3 million in the divorce (New York Daily News headline: “Wife: 15,000,000, Strahan: 0″). He also had to vacate the couple’s 1906 Montclair, N.J. mansion, the one with the 22,000-square feet, 12 bedrooms, seven baths and a garage big enough for 20 cars.

The ruling was even more than Jean actually sought for the less than six years of marriage. The judge wound up giving up more than half of Michael’s estimated $22 million of net worth. from article, “Giant Headache” from Yahoo! Sports

Say it with me, class: Gotdamn! Dude, getting taken to the cleaners is so not heavy metal. However, if he OJs her ass with a gun instead of a knife, that would definitely qualify him as hip-hop.

Gunplay is so hip-hop. Word to Smith & Wesson.

And why did he get fucked 40 ways from Sunday taken to the cleaners? My guess is he sucks as a husband, but this probably helped:

Strahan’s rep took a beating in the divorce. It was alleged he ditched his wife and twin 2-year-old daughters to jet off with his mistresses, one he supposedly called “Cupcake.” Then there was the time, Jean alleged, he secretly videotaped her sister as she undressed only to later allegedly deposit $30,000 in her bank account.

And, maybe most damaging to female viewers, there was the rebuke by the judge for not remembering Jean’s birthday or their wedding anniversary. Every man knows that’s tough to overcome.

Dude, calling a woman, “Cupcake” is so not the hotness. I don’t care if she is just your jump-off sperm holder. But that’s WAY better than videotaping your sister-in-law undress. For fuck’s sake, what were you thinking? Things like that are what makes marriage such a fading institution. You just can’t trust anybody these days. Plus, people apparently can’t keep secrets either since he allegedly “secretly” taped his sister-in-law but motherfucking Yahoo! Sports knows about it. Some secret, Santa.

It’s no wonder El Idiote Strahan got laundered. He approached his cheating with reckless abandon and if the child support case of Diddy is any indication, New York state doesn’t play when it comes to infidelity and uberfuckery. Of course there is a downside to this whole thing (aside from the serious downside that Strahan will have to face if the actual settlement goes through, he’s appealing)…

…you see, Jean Strahan just might catch a bad one. Michael Strahan is a rich nigga. But he is also about to become a broke nigga. Yes people, he will not be able to live like he used to live once his career ends (like in a year). And you do not mess with a Black man’s money. She’s white too?! Oy vey. I’m getting OJ flashback as we speak, except instead of a white Bronco, it will be a black Escalade with limo tints and a bulletproof fiberglass casing.

Let’s just say, Jean Strahan might need some security because she took his house, his money, and she doesn’t really have to do shit except sit back and laugh at him.

“I ain’t saying he should have killed her, but I understand…” ~ Chris Rock, Bring The Pain, 1996

Word to the wise when purchasing a wife…let the buyer beware.

That bitch might cost you 25 to life one day.

Michael Strahan, this is your life.

I don’t like talking about people’s mommas, but umm…

…Michael Vick’s momma needs a good talking to.

How in Sam Hill do you raise TWO superstar, abnormally, talented fuck-up athletes and not once sit them down and teach them the difference between right and wrong?

And for the record, I don’t think the dogfighting is the most heinous thing one can do. Hell it isn’t even illegal in all states. However, electrocuting, hanging, beating to death, and any other inhumane crime to a dog is why I think that nigga should fry.

Fuckin’ fry him. Throw the book at him and the kitchen sink. Put his ass in jail with Shillinger from Oz. I’m a pet lover to the nth degree. I love animals and I hate when bad things happen to animals. Unless of course said animal is trying to maul me or something, in which case, well…

…they do say all dogs go to heaven.

The jury’s out on grizzly bears who attack kids and little people on camping trips in the woods. Then again, how would you feel if somebody broke off into your crib and tried to eat dinner there like nothing was wrong. You just might go all bear on their asses, now mightn’t you?

Back to the point. Michael and Marcus Vick are fuck-ups. Marcus, though not completely understandable at all, at least wasn’t making the big bucks yet. Then again, there is never any excuse for stomping on the leg of a downed player on the field risking major injury to him. I was going to go into his rap sheet, but fuck it, google his ass or check Wikipedia. He’s had numerous run-ins with the law.

And Michael, oh Michael. Savior of Atlanta and godsend to the NFL. He became the damn face of the NFL so you’d THINK that at some point he might say to himself, “Self, perhaps I should stay on the straight and narrow (and not call myself Ron Mexico anymore) and protect the hundreds of millions of dollars I’m making. You know, that sounds like a good idea!”

His self and himself didn’t have that conversation though. So then we have the infamous Ron Mexico fiasco. Mind you, I actually think that the name Ron Mexico is a good damn name…spreading genital herpes and then signing into treatment clinics under an assumed porn-star alias? Not such a good look.

Speaking of not good looks, there’s that little “water bottle” incident that happened on his way out of Miami. I don’t give a shit if the results came back as negative. Why WOULD you use a bottle specifically used for hiding drugs? He might not have been busted that time, but his ass was definitely using that for other shit at other times. Fuck the justice system, I know guilty when I see it.

All eyez on Vick.

Then we have the now infamous and potential career-ending, jail-directing, money-decreasing, Bad Newz Kennelz dogfighting ring. Like I said, I’m kind of neither here nor there on dogfighting. But when you go torturing fuckin’ animals for sheer amusement, well fuck you. And dumbass…he said he had no knowledge of what was going on there.

Man, too bad they have that whole “state’s witness” problem because once niggas start busting out the gymnastics and flipping on your ass, it’s a rap, chico. One cat already flipped. You think he ISN’T going to take Vick down? Fuck it, I don’t ever want to see any parts of jail.

And NOW they’re trying to get him on some RICO shit (google it). He might lose his livelihood AND all of his money. Which all begs the question…

…what exactly was Vick’s momma telling her sons while they wre growing up. Granted they grew up in the projects and there are definitely lessons that are learned the hard way, but these niggas reek of behaviorial- and bad judgement- issues. It’s like they just don’t realize that, “hey, I’ve come from nothing with all of the potential in the world to make millions for what I can do with a ball…but ya know, the measly thousands I can make dogfighting are something I just have to do for my boys…”

Is Michael Vick being targeted? Yep. And its his own damn fault. Was Marcus Vick being targeted? Nope, he’s just an idiot. But the blame all falls on the parents and what they didn’t teach the kids early on…

…do. not. be. a. dumb. nigga.

They must have been at practice that day.

[***EDIT (3/21/2006): I was going to post a new entry today, but an interesting comment popped up that seems to be great fodder for a knock-down drag out convo between men and women. Not sure if the comment was real in the first place since the last person who wrote as "A Us Citizen" was just calling me gay, but she did pose an interesting question. So venture to the comments and let the games begin. Ichiban bitches!***]

[***Today we're gonna start the week of topics provided by the masses. First up to bat, Barry Bonds!***]

Let’s see:

Swollen head: check!

Swollen body: check!

Ridiculously Increased Statistical Performance AFTER 35: check!

Personal Trainer supplies steroids to everybody: check!

Face it, Barry Bonds is guilty of doping up to increase his prominence amongst the tainted legends of baseball stars past.

And I, for one, don’t give a flying fuck.

It’s interesting how huge the discussion about Barry Bonds has become amongst baseball circles. He’s been guilty in the court of public opinion for years now, but if he keeps belting out homeruns on his quest for Babe Ruth’s historic 714, we’ll all still watch.

If I was Barry Bonds, when I hit number 715, I’d risk suspension and pissing off an entire nation by running the basepath with the middle finger salute up to everybody. The fact that sports reporters have clearly quit their day jobs to churn out books on the fact that Barry Bonds has used steroids speaks to the fact that, basically, folks really don’t have shit better to do with their time.

I read this on ESPN, but Barry Bonds really is like the new OJ Simpson to white people. He’s destroying America’s, increasingly colorless, pasttime. OJ went out and got him a white woman, and subsequently had her ass chop suey’d. Barry Bonds played baseball and subsequently shit all over it by taking its most beloved record, the home run record, and did it thru tainted means.

Hell, you’d think that Barry Bonds was a terrorist or something the way he’s being treated. If he wasn’t in danger of breaking Babe Ruth’s record, I don’t think he’d get THIS much hateration thrown at him. Well, that and the fact that he’s a total jackass to the press. But hell, he’s been that way since day one right?

Much like every other black person in America, I can’t help but notice how much of a free pass Mark McGwire, the All-American white boy has gotten in this entire debacle. The steroids he was publicly using were banned a few years after he broke the then home run record set by Roger Maris at 71. I don’t understand for the life of me how that muhfucka gets NO burn nowadays as having tainted the legacy of baseball. Nope…just Bonds. Major league baseball players have been using steroids and destroying the sanctity of the game for years.

So have track stars.

Football players.

Weight lifters.

Old people.

Oh, my bad, that’s marijuana which destroys the American home by having high kids run over a girl on a bicycle who is strangely riding on a busy street in front of a fast food restaurant drive thru without a parent in sight. Hell, she might have gotten hit regardless.

You know who I feel bad for in this whole steroid scandal? Jose Canseco.

That damn Jose “El Cubano” Conseco has been TRYING to get the press that Bonds receives daily. And yet, all the notoriety goes to Bonds. Conseco tried to singlehandedly bring down Major League Baseball with a book called “Juiced” detailing all of the steroid-based knowledge he could muster.

He admitted it.

He released his book and got his day in the sun.

Bonds hasn’t admitted to shit.

And we can’t stop talking about him.

Poor Jose. He even tried to holler at Christina Milian and she rejected him. His esteem must be fucked right about now.

I’ll bet Barry would love to share the spotlight with Jose a little more.

This whole steroid-Bonds bullshit speaks to America’s and the people-whp-can’ts desire to have things done our way. Barry isn’t a media darling, so we don’t want him to be the asshole who passes the Babe’s record. White people love Babe Ruth and hold him up as this paragon of athleticisim and value.

However, only black people really seem to be ones talking about the fact that had he been playing in an era where black pitchers were allowed to challenge him, he might not have been the same player. He might have, but we’ll never know.

America doesn’t want Bonds to break the record because he didn’t do it the right way. Hell, what does that even mean anymore? Who ISN’T taking some kind of supplement in sports? Everybody’s looking for an edge. I say let the steroids ride. If grown ass men want to kill themselves at 50, let them. It’s their choice.

Barry Bonds legacy might be at stake here as far as Hall of Fame voters go, but for my money, I say fuck ‘em. Crush Babe’s record. That way the legacy will be talked about forever. If he doesn’t make it into the Hall of Fame, they’ll HAVE to talk about you forever. Same way they do it with Pete Rose. Pete Rose is as central a figure to baseball nowadays as he was in his heyday. We HAVE to bring his name up every year.

Same thing with Barry Bonds. If he doesn’t get in, it will be a travesty; if he does (I think I used a semi-colon right for the first time EVER), he deserves it but it isn’t the “right” way.

Fuck ‘em all Barry.

Do just like you have been doing. Every homerun you hit will be a gigantic fuck you to baseball, America, and the people who are upset about OJ Simpson’s not guilty verdict…

…as long as you don’t kill your white wife too.

Good night and good luck!

“I saw a front porch swing, heard a diamond ring,
I saw a polka-dot railroad tie.
But I think I will have seen everything
when I see an elephant fly. “
-One of the ambiguously ethnic but assumed Negro crows who mocks the pint-sized pachyderm in the GOP landslide success story, Dumbo

Similarly, I ain’t never heard no shit like this.

I’m not married. But I know some folks who are. And every now and then my married friends, relatives, strangers I meet on the Metro in Washington, DC’s underbelly offer me tidbits on the splendors of marital bliss.

Of course, most people’s statement is not to get married, but one can hardly take that without a grain of salt since it usually follows an argument or disagreement that renders one person at the mercy of another.

However, one thing that I always hear from these people are that they sometimes give their spouses tests to prove their love or some other cockamamie idiocy that might backfire on them. The bottom line is, if something is too good to be true, run like hell.

Such finds us with Andrei Kirilenko and his wife’s proposal to him to have the ability to have sex with one woman per year, outside of their marriage, to ward of the temptation since he’s a huge star in Russia and Utah, his nickname is AK-47, and he likes to tell people he carries a big gun.

Okay, I embellished that last statement but I assume that if my nickname was AK-47, I’d tell people I had a big gun…only because I know that the gutter minded fuckers would go straight for the passive-aggressive perverted context as opposed to the fact that an AK-47 is actually a rather big gun and maybe, since I’m from Mother Russia, I might actually have one. Of course, I don’t think you are able to carry a concealed AK-47, or an unconcealed one for that matter, so its probably highly unlikely that he does…however, he does live in Utah, which might be vaguely reminsicent of Russia so he might feel threatened.

Simply, this would be the scariest thing your wife could possibly propose to you, not to mention the most UNFAIR shit ever, but I’ll get to that later.

Let’s start with the…hmm….

***SPOILER ALERT****FLAVOR OF LOVE****SPOILER ALERT****

On the offchance that there is ANYBODY who hasn’t actually seen the season finale of FLAVOR OF LOVE, what will follow will spoil the end for you (Grayse).

I’d like to send a congratulations out to Hoopz for (literally) winning the (gag me with a spoon) affections of one Flavor Flav. As much as I hated New York, I really didn’t see this coming. What now? The reunion show where Pumkin and New York go at it again. Good times.

So back to the scary shit. There are tests in life, and then there are TESTS. Which are similar to the first tests, except the second TESTS are merely capitalized to signify some sort of importance which means that the TESTS for which I’m referring are meant to mean something in the grand scheme of things unlike the spelling test you took in 3rd grade, naw, to easy drill sargeant too easy, I’m speaking of TESTS like when you have to pick between saving the life of your son or the 20 villagers who are 90 years old and unable to copulate without Niagra or Viagra, you know TESTS that will ultimately determine your place amongst the stars or at the very least guarantee your spot in Heaven since (don’t you love how I just ramble for no apparent reason?) Heaven is filled with people who manage to exhibit big freakin’ cajones in the face of danger and temptation which might singlehandedly have barred 4 of the living 6 original Temptations who are called, wait for it, Temptations. If you are Temptation, can you go to Heaven?

Deep.

FINALLY, we get to what I intended to talk about. So, what woman in her right mind would justify this to herself? And what woman REALLY believes that ONE additional woman outside of her would curb his appetite for new snickerdoodle?

*snicker*

A woman who wants to make sure she checks her husband and make sure he knows that she ain’t dumb. I can just imagine the conversation. Or more like, her speaking, and his thinking and trying not to show how afraid he is during the convo:

AK’s Wife: Mr. Big Gun, I offer you the chance to sleep with one woman outside of our marriage per year. What do you think about that?

AK’s: What?? *Thinking: Okay, I must be on television in Mother Russia. Is Dick Van Dyke still alive? I know they have this YouTube think going around so maybe there is a hidden camera in here. She didn’t really say that did she?*

AK’s Wife: Dah, you can sleep with one extra woman because it isn’t cheating if I know about it and I know the woman throw themselves at you despite you looking very goofy.

AK: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? *Thinking: Okay, I don’t know if she’s joking or not. Maybe she saw my magazines of Maria Sharapova on them. Or maybe Anna Kournikova…or maybe she saw my pictures of Keshia Knight-Pulliam…I love her….all that choclate! C’mon brain, this is a trick. There is not good way out of this. Just say thanks but no thanks and walk away slowly.* NYET!

AK’s Wife: Good Andrei…now go clean the kitchen.

You know, that was funnier in my head.

This is just unbelievable on so many levels so my advice to all men when confronted with this is to say, “baby, you are the only woman out there for me and I don’t need any other women…so no thanks for that.” In Russian of course if you can.

That was simple, but quite briefly and since I’m just tired of writing right now, let us discuss why this is very unfair.

How in the shit is he supposed to decide on which woman to sleep with? Do you just wait until December, tally up the best prospects and pick from them? I guess this all depends on who makes theirself available. I mean, if Halle Berry offered herself up, I think you jump on it. But what if say, Toni from Girlfriends, or the goofy looking chick from American Pie (yeah the bandcamp girl) or say the white ho from Hustle & Flow, offered themselves up, I think you’d have to pass and hope for the best. Needless to say, that can be stressful enough as it is.

You don’t want to blow this opportunity. Which is another pshychological mind game his wife is playing. One per year? That isn’t fair. That’s too much calculating and decision making for him to go through. He’ll combust just trying to make sure he isn’t missing out on Jennifer Love-Hewitt or Natalie Portman when he decides to sleep with Lindsay Lohan.

Bottom line, don’t trust it Andrei.

I like Orange.