…the most important person with all due respect.

Seriously, how funny would it be if somebody quoted Jay’s first verse from “Roc Boys” during the roundtable thank-you’s that so many people perform during their pre-gobblage on Thanksgiving Day.

Thanks to the duffle bag, the brown paper bag, the Nike shoebox for holding all the cash. And I can attest to that. As somebody known for stashing cash in his shoes and shoeboxes, I’ve found that not only are Nike shoe boxes good for stashing dough, actual Nike SHOES are as good. One I’ve often found myself stashing my random wads of $20s in my basketball shoes.

Well Thanksgiving is upon us and it’s a time to proffer all of the thanks we can for various things. And most of us have much to give thanks for; family, friends, health, toenails, etc.

Basically the usual suspects always get their just due. So I figure, I might as well give thanks for some things that most people might not think about.

Allons-y.

I’d like to thank my neighborhood listserv for alerting of just how much damn crime goes down in my neighborhood. There’s nothing like living in a neighborhood where you feel completely safe only to find out that folks homes are getting broken into and cars are getting jacked left and right. Since I joined my neighborhood’s listserv, I’ve gained lots of information about my ‘hood. I’ve also realized that my ‘hood is actually the ‘Hood. Man, niggas get robbed ON MY BLOCK in broad daylight. It’s happened a few times. And I literally mean on my block. At like 5pm. When it’s light outside. Thank you Neighborhood listserv for alerting me that though I live in one of DC’s up-and-coming premier residential neighborhoods…there are still crackheads for a reason.

I’d like to thank my cat for using my hands and feet as a personal scratching post. Why just last week my cat tattoed my hand with a signed-sealed-and delivered spiderweb of bloody streaks. Playful little something which reminds me…

…thanks for pet nail clippers, which is like SO self-explanatory.

Thanks for Firefox. Sometime a few weeks ago, the powers that be at the place of employment shut down Instant Messenging like a motherfucker. I mean I couldn’t access shit. This is both good and bad since like I said, my productivity went up. What I failed to realize was that I actually had shit to do then. Now that I’m chillin’, my head was spinning trying to craft work I actually wanted to do. Enter Firefox. For whatever reason, yesterday I decided to just use Firefox instead of Internet Explorer as my main browser and voila…G-Chat was in effect like a big bitch. Which if you’ve ever seen a big bitch, then you know what I’m talking about. Heh heh heh.

Sure, that last sentence made no sense. Then again, neither does Nirvana.

Thanks to bootleggers who made it possible for me to cop American Gangster on DVD before its theatrical release, further allowing me to pay 5 dollars for a crystal clear version of an alright but not stellar movie that left much to be desired.

Thanks to pregnant Halle Berry for still taking pictures with the ta-ta’s on blast. Yippee.

Thanks to Nahright.com for ALWAYS having that hot new shit for me to download so that I can stay ahead of the hip-hop curve.

Thanks to cooler weather because women’s fashion was getting ridiculously out of control. I don’t know about where you live, but here in DC, women are some serious fashion misfits. Especially the younger crowd. Just think of any outfit you’d never put together — not only should you then put it on, but you should also accessorize it with lots of shiny ridiculous shit, some utterly fugly boots of some sort and get braids. And put some color in your braids…AND THEN claim that Baltimore is the most bamma city on the planet…

…while looking like a nigga from Baltimore.

Which reminds me of something. I went to school in Atlanta and I’m from down South. When folks from upnorth come down to Atlanta they tend to initially clown a lot of our southern customs before falling headfirst into them (Master P and Cash Money, anyone?). It’s funny when you move up North and you realize that folks are as bad if not WORSE than the shit you see down south. Times have changed now since everybody looks like a very bad emulation of what we think white punk rockers look like.

STOP. Isn’t it funny how a few years ago white people were all on their Paul Wall shit trying to look and dress like Black folks…and NOW Black folks are doing their best “rock star” impressions, albeit with flair. I mean its not nearly as extreme as when white people do it, but its definitely an interesting look.

Anyway, I remember people acting like Atlanta was SO damn countryish. Then I moved to DC. You drive 10 minutes south of DC and there aren’t even streetlights. In Maryland. In a major suburb of DC. Shit looks like driving through backroads on the set of Deliverance.

Back to my thank you’s….

I’d like to thank the little people. Smurfs are our friends. Similarly, I’d like to thank the writers from Robot Chicken for making some of the funniest shit I’ve ever seen. Viva la Adult Swim.

Thanks to Nickelodean and Drake & Josh because that show just has me dying laughing most times. So because me and my girlfriend are apparently insane, we leave the TV on everyday in case the cat wants to “watch” TV or at least hear something in the background so as not to feel so alone. We leave on Nick. I get home and Drake & Josh is on. Now I’m an avid watcher.

I’ve begun to bore myself so thanks to the people that make it do what it do like they’re doing it for TV.

Thanks for life. And the boys in blue who put greed before the badge.

Thanks for my sexxiness.

Just, thanks.

[***Much like every Thursday in Washington, DC, come out to LIV Nightclub at Bohemian Caverns for a slammin' good time. Word life! If it's anything like it was last week, it will be off the hook. Come party with Panama people! RSVP at the Stock13 website before 5pm for free admission before 11pm. And for those looking for something to do for New Year's Eve in DC, visit the Stockholm 180 site for information and advanced tickets for New Year's Eve on U Street, a party being thrown by something like 8 different promoters. Open bar from 9 til midnight, 4 floors of entertainment, and a free buffet!!! Go to Stockholm 180 for more info and to get advance tickets!!! ***]

So…Wordpress, my handy dandy new asshole sugarplum of a blog service thingamabob, has taken to eating ANOTHER one of my posts.

Gee hype.

But since I’m such a gee golly good fellow, I decided that I’d try to retype something, again, for the people. You see, Panama loves the kids. Me, Trick Daddy, and Wu-Tang are all about the kids.

So, what I HAD written was an eloquent send off to 2006 and all of its splendor and glory. It was a year that saw two rappers named Young something or other score with hits in both “It’s Going Down” and “Shoulder Lean” and it was a year that saw Jim Jones take his place at the right hand of…hmm…I came *this* close to saying something blasphemous.

Jim Jones became a star.

RIP James Brown. Too good to be forgotten…

But fuck it. Wordpress said, “naw nigga…” not today.

So to hell with it. I’m only filling space anyway. I’ve been on the move these past few weeks. Been to the Great Lakes State and will be heading down to the SW side of the A to do some parking lot pimpin’ with some of my folks, affectionately and clandestinely know as NWW.

We will be doing big shit.

And since most of you forgot about it already (what short memory spans):

Snakes on the plane!!!

Somebody said to me yesterday that they can’t wait to meet the woman I marry. I thought that as interesting given that so many women I know say that to me.

I must be special.

Bitches.

Every now and then I forget just how gosh dammit sexxy I am. I just felt like sharing that since its been such a long time since I have done so.

2007 is right around the corner and everybody is making resolutions. I have none. I resolve to be more resolute.

So any way, Happy Holidays to everybody out there. I’ve developed quite a few friendships with folks through this blog. Some folks that I’ve never met but that I’d like to someday. Everybody that comments and shit, I truly appreciate. My ramblings can be far flung (and long as the fuck) so thanks for sleepwalking people.

To you and yours, from me and mine, we here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises would like to wish you a Happy New Year.

Duck, it’s Dick (Cheney that is)!

Goodnight and goodluck.

Well, tomorrow anyway.

Thanksgiving has long been my favorite holiday. It’s the one holiday where a large segment of my family comes together. We tend to use Thanksgiving as an excuse to have a mini-family reunion every year. I like Christmas but it’s usually more segmented in my family. But Kill-An-Injun Day? All in.

So because I’ll be returning from whence I came (read back Down South) I wanted to wish everybody a Happy Thanksgiving holiday and in turn, tell you a few things that I’m thankful for…for yes, I am thankful.

This Is My Thank You For 2004 (but really 2006)

I’m thankful for Jim Jones.

I know this a vast departure from my earlier stances which placed him as Satan’s right hand man, if he wasn’t Satan himself, but I’ll be damned if he isn’t one entertaining SOB. Have you read an interview of his? Or just listened to him talk? He’s more entertaining than 50 Cent - and that’s saying something. I mean, he sincerely seems to get a kick out of life and everything that gets thrown at him. True he’s the biggest hater on the planet, but he does it with flair. I mean, what OTHER rapper do you know that would actually take a diss track from somebody (in this case Jay-Z), add two more verses, and release it to radio to get more spins. AND…truly get a kick out of it. And to add insult to injury, he’s become way more of a star than Cam’ron…makes no sense to me either. Viva la Jim Jones.

I’m thankful for collard greens and spaghetti salad.

True, this doesn’t even really need much explanation but I’ll let you in on a little secret. I’m one of the absolute pickiest eaters you will ever come across…except when it comes to my mother or my sister’s cooking. I’ll eat anything they make. Even cauliflower, and I HATE cauliflower. Well I’ll be at home and (God-willing) they’ll both be there cooking. It’s the only time I’m more than willing to wash the dishes because the food was worth it. Ya know, I think I may have lost a potential girlfriend once because she was afraid to cook for me because she didn’t think she could handle the rejection. Oh well, I lost one…one…one….

Sorry, I’m a champion.

I’m thankful for my friends.

Yeah, yeah, I get mushy every now and then. From three dimensional to letters on a computer screen. From Los Angeles to Atlanta to New York to DC to Huntsville to Boston to Baltimore, etc. I’ve got some doggone good friends.

I’m thankful for Stacey Dash.

Not only did she win the tourney this year, she gives me hope that it is entirely possible to find and marry a woman who might just be that damn fine for the rest of her life. Hell, I might even throw Angela Bassett and Pam Grier into this one. Am I superficial? Mmhmm…and they give me hope and faith that I, too, can marry a banging ass MILF.

I wonder who will start the GMILF since there really are 30 year old grandparents running around here.

Hey, hey…did you hear that 4 out of 10 kids born nowadays are born out of wedlock and that teenage mothers aren’t the bulk. In fact, teenage mothers have been declining over the past few years. Nope, it’s the independent women bracket (20’s) that’s kicking up the stats now.

Take that Ronald Reagan.

I’m thankful for college football.

It’s my favorite sport and my favorite time of the year to watch television. And I’m REALLY praying for a Michigan-Ohio State rematch.

I’m thankful for Tide Laundry Detergent.

Washing clothes is my favorite chore. In fact, when I get married, I’m going to specifically request that I get to wash all of my own clothes assuming my wife doesn’t trust me with her unmentionables.

Hmm…so if you mention unmentionables, doesn’t that actually make them mentionables? It can’t be unmentionable if you actually mention it can it? Things like this keep me up at night.

But yes, back to Tide. I’ve tried various laundry detergents, but none quite gets my clothes smelling and feeling the way I want like Tide. Hell, I’ve got two different kinds of Tide that I use depending on whether or not I’m using warm/hot or cold water. My laundry game is vicious. And don’t even get me started on my folding game.

I’m thankful for Black people.

I love Black people. We keep me entertained to no end. Just when I think we can’t come up with any new way to set ourselves back I find out that somebody forgot to kill OJ Simpson and was ALMOST about to let him release a book detailing how he WOULD have killed Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ronald Goldman.

Oy vey. Boy, old Rupert Murdoch was gonna catch some serious flack for that one wasn’t he?? (The book was going to be published by a subsidiary of NewsCorp, of which Rupert Murdoch is the principal stockholder).

I’m thankful for white people.

It’s true. I pretty much love everybody anyway, but white folks are just fun. And so helpful at times. Plus, without white people the economy of America would go under in something like a nanosecond seeing as the rest of minorities would all be late showing up.

Oh wait, the Hispanic folks would definitely be on time and working extremely hard. Word to Vicente Fox.

But if you left if to us los Negroes??? Down down down…yeah, I said it.

I’m thankful for Michael Richards.

Yes he’s a racist. And no, nothing he can say at this point will stop me from thinking otherwise. Thing is, I’m okay with it. At least he, for a brief moment, was being honest. And that’s not on display enough in this great country of ours. I appreciate it when people actually say how they feel and DON’T apologize for it. The world is becoming to doggone politically correct. If we could all sit down and let folks say how they really feel, I think we’d get much further in race relations than we are. And all we’d need is Wolf Blitzer and Dave Chappelle to moderate.

That would be the real United Nations.

I’m thankful that I didn’t lose my sister.

I don’t often get extremely personal on here though I’ve done it a time or two, but a few months back I was deathly afraid that my little sister was going to take her own life. Everytime somebody called me from home I was afraid it was going to be a phone call tellling me to come home because she’d finally done it. Sometimes I wouldn’t even answer because of that. It literally scared me to tears at one point. Those that know me well know how much my little sister means to me…she’s probably the one person I’d lay down my life for.

Anyway, after much prodding, begging, and pleading, she FINALLY decided to allow us to help her help herself and she seems to be doing much better. I heard hear laugh for the first time in what seems like months a few days ago. So, trust me…I’m very thankful for this one. Still has a long way to go, but at least she’s still here to try.

Whew…

I’m thankful for Homecomings.

I wrote about this already but I seriously don’t think I can date a woman who has no respect for homecoming, especially and HBCU homecoming. Deal breaker.

Similarly, any woman who thinks the best rapper on Earth is one of Dem Franchize Boys also has no place in my life. One of the Ying Yang Twins however, well, I’ll at least listen.

Speaking of which…

I’m thankful for nutty ass women.

So many out there and so many who bring so many different things to the table. I’m often amazed at some of the things I’ve learned from nutty ass women. I can’t get into any details here, just trust me.

I’m thankful for gangs of Mexican penguins.

So I went to see Happy Feet last weekend. Dumbest damn movie ever. The baby penguins are cute and all but man was that a bad movie. It was only saved by this gang of Mexican penguins who were just downright hilarious. Fun-loving. The kind of penguins you’d want to kick it with. Plus, they also gave me my new saying:

“I’ve got personality with a capital Y. Y? Because I’m hot!!”

El classic-o.

I’m thankful for stupid ass sayings that sound like stuff I’d say.

Well, clearly you just heard one, but on Jay Z’s latest offering he has a song called “Beach Chair”. And in this song called “Beach Chair”, Jay posits that life is but a beach chair. And it probably has some really deep meaning about what happens when folks grow up and move on from the limelight or whatever…

It’s still dumb. However, I love it and have been running around ending conversations like this:

“I’m sexxy and remember, life is but a beach chair.”

You can’t stop it. Can’t stop it. Spin the Q-Tip. Throw it away.

Lastly…

I’m thankful that I’m alive.

I love life and I love living. I don’t have much room for sourpuss’ (dude, total double entendre there) who like to bring other folks days down. I like smiling and I like smiley faces. Hell I like Gnarls Barkley. I love my friends and my family. I love living.

If my time is up tomorrow, I’ve had a hell of a run. And I’m at peace with that. Plus, my insurance will cover all of my outstanding bills.

Clearly this list isn’t exhaustive, but I am. I’m done now.

So Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Eat well and if you will be doing any drinking and you’re in North Alabama, let me know. I’ll be around…

Over the past few weeks, some brash and uncouth young lady has been coming thru this site with designs on getting me to come “out” of the closet.

Essentially, she thinks that I’m brokeback. Umm…no brokeback. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The more you know.

*ding*

Well you know, she got me to thinking. Maybe I should come out of the closet. There really is nothing wrong with admitting certain things. People either love me for me, or not at all. As long as I’m okay with myself…that’s all that matters right?

Right.

Mama said there’d be days like, there’d be days like this, my mama said. It is time for me to just open up the closet door, and step out.

*sweating bullets*

Ladies and gentlemen…I’m…

…the sexxiest muhfucka this side of the River Jordan. And that shit ain’t in Chicago, jack.

Wow, that was easier than I thought it would be. And to think I was nervous telling people what they already knew.

However, old igmo got me thinking about the fact that there are some things that I probably should come out of the closet about, with this being Black History Month and all. Or as I so affectionately like to call it, the Annual Monthly Stoned Soul Picnic and BBQ, complete with the revolutionary Black Panther BBQ sauce courtesy of Fredrika Newton (Huey P. Newton’s widow), Burn Baby Burn Revolutionary Hot Sauce!

And no, I’m not making that up.

“Each bottle of Burn Baby Burn Revolutionary Hot Sauce will come with a tag noting milestones in the history of the Black Panther Party for Self- Defense, which was formed in 1966 by Huey Newton and his college classmate Bobby Seale.”

Oy vey.

I know that’s old news for some, but its Black History Month, we must rehash old facts.

Dr. Martin Luther Tha King, Jr. lived, had some dream, then died.

Fact.

That is all. You may now continue with European History.

So, without further ado (adieu…can somebody please tell me which is the proper form to use when saying “withour further…”)…I’m coming out of the closet.

*sighing in preparation for the long admit*

1. I don’t really like The Color Purple. I never have. I have seen it more times than I care to imagine, but even now, I get little enjoyment out of watching the actual movie. The last time I saw it, which was last summer sometime, I did find it to be much funnier than I remembered. However, I still wasn’t enthralled. And yes, I’m aware that I’m a man and I’ve heard more than enough “you wouldn’t understand because you’re a man and its a movie about women’s struggles” arguments. Frankly, I don’t give a damn. It’s ALSO a movie. Me no likey.

2. I can’t read. *OOPS* That’s from a taped conversation with Fantasia. How’d that get in here??

3. I like Mandy Moore. A lot. In fact, she is one of my favorites. This is not to say she can act. She has proven she can’t. I, however, pay that no mind. Just the other day I watched the movie Chasing Liberty because while I was flipping thru channels she showed up on my TV screen. I watched the whole movie because of her. She’s 5′10″ and 21 years old. She’s legal.

I only threw the 5′10″ thing in there because I can’t believe she’s that tall. I thought it was camera angles. Turns out, she’s just that damn tall.

4. I do not like chicken with bones in them. Yes, I’m a breast man. *rimshot* No really, I do not like wings, thighs, etc. Never have. I do not know why this is. However, if you ever want to make sure I won’t take any of your food, order some wings.

5. I was such a big fan of the show Friends, that I went to a Friends “Last Episode Party”. Yes, I was one of two black males there, with the other one only being there because I think he was trynna holler at the hostess. I also happened to know more about the show than the cascades of white people there causing people to whisper under their breath, “who’s that dashingly charming black bandana’d fellow of potential Latin American descent over there?”

Why, he’s Zorro. I, on the other hand, am Panama Jackson.

And, no brokeback to that entire paragraph up there.

6. Two of my favorite albums of all time are noted, footnoted, and notebooked as NWA’s EFIL4ZAGGIN and De La Soul’s de la soul is dead. However, what you don’t know is that if I have to chose between those two albums and Guns ‘N Roses’ Apetite For Destruction or Nirvana’s Nevermind, NWA and De La Soul might lose everytime. And they’re all going to lose if I can only take one album with me. That honor, goes to Splender Halfway Down The Sky. And no, you haven’t heard of them before.

7. Speaking of music, I just, as in three days ago, purchased Michael Jackson’s Thriller. For the first time. Some 24 years after its release. In my home, we had the album, but I’ve never owned my own copy. I purchased a Hillary Duff album, a 5th Dimension album (they had like ONE good song EVER), and two Lil Kim albums, before purchasing the 2nd best selling album in US history. I also purchased a reggae Best of The Best CD that I subsequently threw out of my car window for being so horrendously bitchtastic. I’m so ashamed at myself and I hope Michael Jackson can forgive me.

My mother too.

8. I hate hate hate black literature of the Zane variety. I think its filth flarn filth and utterly fuckin’ sucks. I’ve tried to read some of those books and just felt dirty and dumber. So, I chose to lump it all together. They all suck.

9. I never liked KRS-One. Ever. Still don’t. At all. Or Doug E. Fresh. And since I’m throwing rappers under the bus Terrell Owen’s style, I didn’t even like Tupac until AFTER he died. And I’m STILL more interested in the person than I am the uneven catalog of music that existed before his legacy was pimped Puffy style. And make no mistake, Puffy is pimping the Notorious B.I.G. like he’s in the running for Player of The Year. I hate to do this, but I’m almost convinced that Mrs. Wallace is too, though not as directly. Money might be short these days. I’m not saying I don’t understand, but that B.S. ass Duets album that has like, no duets, on it? Fuckin’ horrible and clearly a ploy to make money off a limited catalog and his name. And to quote the legendary B.I.G.:

“Number three: never trust no-bo-dy/
Your moms’ll set that ass up, properly gassed up/
Hoodie to mask up, shit, for that fast buck/
she be layin in the bushes to light that ass up”

Prophesy is a bitch.

10. I’m not a fan of Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, or BET. There, I said it.

Oh right…no shit. Guess this one doesn’t count.

So here’s a last bonus:

11. I really have no problem with Oprah Winfrey. I’m just afraid of her. She’s the most powerful woman in show business and white people love her. She’s like Suge Knight except she doesn’t smoke cigars, isn’t a Blood, and hasn’t been to jail. Oh yeah, and white people love her. She loves HBCU’s and takes in orphans. What’s not to like? I hate…to stop from crying. And no, I have no idea what that has to do with anything.

The revolution will not be televised…except on UPN…where during Black History Month, lots of movies with black people in them will be shown.

Happy BBQ!