Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

So apparently the holidays are when people lose their damn mind. Seriously. All you have to do is comb through any random entertainment site and you’ll see some of the most ri-damn-diculous news ever. So let us begin.

Oh and by the way, I’ve been working like an actual Hebrew slave for the past two weeks only coming up for air twice. Okay, perhaps a few more times than twice but you get my point. A brotha was doing work for his actual day job (not just the night job) at approximately 2AM on Friday night.

This AFTER leaving the night job early so that I could do work for the day job. And people say government workers don’t be doing shit. Shit. Or maybe even, sheeeeeeee-it. However, it’s back to the grill again and I’m gearing up for a busy 2008. I have so much crap on the books right now you’d think that I was 4 people. But alas, I’m only one.

But when that one is Panama Muhfuckin’ you KNOW you’re in for a treat. Word to halloween, bitches.

So onto motherfuckers losing their mind. Let’s start with Amy Winehouse.

Have you ever just been worried about somebody you don’t know? That’s me right now. I don’t particularly care for her that much however I’m worried about that dame’s mental. And not in the Michael Jackson way either. Mike seem’s harmless to me. Amy Winehouse seems like a tornado looking for her next trailer park. Her and her husband are like the white Bobby and Whitney in every possible bad way you can view that. This white-nigga is going to jail for tampering with a witness (her husband that is) and allegedly these motherfuckers have…

…wait for it…

…wait for it…

…Beautiful Love and Bitches coming soon to a ghetto near you…

…allegedly threatened suicide if they are separated for more than 5 years.

Good God. These Euros are a few sandwiches short of an English picnic. Not sure what you’d call an English picnic as I’m positive it would include tea and crumpets. So perphaps they’re a few teabags short of an English tea-time. Fuck it, you get my point.

These white people are wasting their whiteness on stupid shit and acting like ignant niggas. Word to Paul Mooney. You can read all about Amy Winehouse’s travails on tmz, vh1, MTV, hell, anywhere at this point. I beg of you not to look at her pictures. For any of us who’ve done any time in the actual hood and have seen a real crackhead, these pictures will be a painful reminder of the fact that there are white crackheads…which of course, does absolutely NOTHING for race relations in America.

White crackheads + Black crackheads = so not that hot shit. However, I’ll bet crackheads everywhere have been saying, “and here’s another hit, Barry Bonds” right before taking that drag.

Hip-hop. It’s everywhere people. Embrace it.

On to the next one…

Any long time readers of this site know that I’m an Omarion fan. I’ve actually purchased his albums and have sang their praises. What can I say? The lil’ guy’s got talent. Could use a growth spurt, but couldn’t we all? Though I must say, there must be a correlation between gaining success at an early age and lack of height. These niggas STAY short forever. Must be those weight-training regimens that give 8-year-old’s abs of steel.

Well, Omarion, or O as we affectionately call him around the Jackson G. Tickle offices, and lil Bow Weezy have recorded an album together called “Face/Off” which not coincidentally has THE gayest album cover in recent history. But whatever. Either way, Bow Wow has been on a tear lately in his attempts to understand why they (though my guess he’s wondering more from his own perspective) don’t get the respect they deserve. O has seemed pretty level headed and sane in most of the conversations but he’s begun to come out of the shell and emulate his miniature-companion. Allow me to provide a few links for you to ponder:

Please see here and here, and oh please see here.

Oy vey. People, my guitar is gently weeping. I’ve come to the conclusion that Bow Wow lives in an alternate universe where he is actually important to the progression of music as a whole. He lives in a place where his talent and not his Jermaine Dupri cookie-cutter existence is the sole reason anybody knows him at all.

You see, in the le monde de Bow Wow, he is actually a motherfucking monster rapper who’s skills are better than anybody else. Nevermind the fact that T.I. is a well known ghost-writer for him or that his ENTIRE swagger and mannerisms are completely T.I.-esque at this point which means that they are Jay inspired. He even mentions on that last video how he’s sold out Madison Square Garden’s twice and even Jay hasn’t done that. Though, that’s largely because Jay’s only done one show there, but that’s just splitting hairs now isn’t it.

Further, the fact that Jay did it once with actual grown people and not a screaming gaggle of 12-year old court cases kind of speaks volumes about Bow Wow’s actual relevance. I mean, if Bow Wow doesn’t release material, he has no fans. Jay can stop releasing material and will still have fans. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever met a person who’s said to me:

Panama, do you know who’s underrated? Bow Wow. He doesn’t get the shine he deserves. It’s been said about Omarion (though it was probably said by me, but that’s neither here nor there). In short (heh heh heh–pun intended), Bow Wow has lost his gotdamn mind.

Word to his handlers, let the imp know that he is not important. If 99 percent of LL’s fans wear high-heels, then 99 percent of Bow Wow’s fans wear training bras.

Hmm, Chris Brown has older fans than Bow Wow does. Could be because he’s taller. Me no know.

And lastly, I’d like to send a “Wow, you’re fucked” to the exec’s at Nickelodeon. It’s been reported that Jamie Lynne Spears, the younger sister of Britney Spears is pregnant. She’s the star of “Zoey 101″, a popular show on the children’s network (though grown ass people like me actually do watch Nickelodeon). Hmm, chicks get pregnant all the time.

She’s 16.

Well, Nicelodeon, how exactly to you spin yourself out of a situation where your shows push teenage innocence and mischief and one of young-as-the-fuck teenage stars is not only OBVIOUSLY fucking but has gone and got knocked the fuck up. There is no positive way to spin that. Something told me that they needed to keep that girl from her looney sister but man, she’s a 16-year-old teen star who has been knocked up by a 19-year-old.

Ruh-roh. Not sure how shit runs in Louisiana, but it seems like that’s one of those statutory rape charges that got young Genarlow Wilson sent up shit’s creek. And you know what, there is very little difference here aside from the fact that one happened in Louisiana and the other is in Georgia and different states do different shit.

Genarlow was on tape and this fellow’s evidence is in his girlfriend’s belly. And um, no pun intended there at all. Though that is a sort of double entendre thing but I’ll let the pervs run with that one.

Either way, I blame her mother for not making her understand the levity of getting pregant young. Her career? Ruined. You can’t get a job on a wholesome network or anything anymore because of this. Teenage pregnancy is not something to aspire too. And Nickelodeon is all about aspirations. Those shows all have some kind of message in them about being all you can be–and not in the army sense either.

So yes, Nicelodeon, you’re fucked. Welcome to Blackness.

Sounds like a book title doesn’ it?

2008 — the year to be.

So word to the wise — if you have any inkling of acting a damn fool between now and January 1st, just resist the temptation and wait until the next week.

It’s a much better look.

Goodnight and goodluck.

Apparently I’m a little bit vain. I think I knew that. I think I knew that I knew that, however, I just realized it after I decided to see what the 25 most played songs on my iPod were. Sheesh, talking about getting over yourself (which I’m totally not going to do).

Dig this. Out of the 25 songs, 14 are songs that I’ve done myself. Not even completed songs mind you, just the instrumentals that I’ve made towards my 2008 summer banger release on my mama’s music, A Candle In The Dark.

How’s that for self-promotion?

One day I might upload a few of my instrumentals on here so that good world can see how talented (or un-talented) I am. Luckily, my mommy says I’m special so fuck you very much if you think that I’m on the low end of the talent pool. Anywho, today I decided to just let folks know what I’ve been listening to, ad nauseum. I’m one of those people who will put a song on repeat for hours on end. Much to the chagrin of anybody around me.

Eh, sorry. Like right now, I’m MURDERING this one song by this group out of Pittsburgh called Black Moth Super Rainbow. The song is called “Sun Lips” and I absofuckinlutely love this song. It’s the kind of shit I wish I’d made similar to the song by Psapp “Cosy In The Rocket” A.K.A. the Grey’s Anatomy song that used to get played in the opening credits.

I think that one of these days, I might transform this into an audio blog and upload songs for you to download that I love. I love finding obscure ass hot songs so I’d be doing a disservice by not sharing said songs with you, wouldn’t I? I say, wouldn’t I? Anywho…on to the festivities.

Panama shares because sharing is caring. And I care like an emo-carebear. I like the term emo.

Panama’s Playlistin’: The Top 10 Songs That Clearly Are Important To World Peace

(going in order from most played to least most played but still played way too much)

1. Phyllis Hyman – Be Careful (How You Treat My Love)

If you don’t know who Phyllis Hyman is, you should go kill yourself. Which is not unironic since she killed herself. I think I just got 10 extra Hell points for those last two sentences. First time I listened to this song, it impacted me so much, I never stopped listening. She’s one of my favorite singers ever and has one of the most silky smooth voices ever.

Hmm, you know who else has a beautiful silky smooth voice? Janelle Monae. If you don’t have her Metropolis Suite I: The Chase, you should get to copping it forthwith. It was on iTunes for $4.99. You can spend $5 for music that will change your life. Her voice makes me want to hump mushrooms.

Eww.

2. Robin Williamson – Gwydion’s Dream

You’ve probably never heard of him or of this song. But you know who has? David Banner. Damn that David Banner for having me search since 1998 for this shit. It’s the foundation for his first single with the group Crooked Lettaz “Firewater”. I love that beat so much that I’ve searched high and low through CELTIC music trying to find this shit. Yes, Panama listens to celtic music. So what of it?! I’ll listen to country too if y’all don’t get to acting right.

My mother’s persuasion by the way.

3. Beyonce – Flaws and All

Because of Beyonce’s popularity, everybody should have heard this song and seen the video. I honestly think this song and video are perfect. As in, flawless. There ain’t too much perfection in this world but this song has to be the closest thing musically to me. I love the pseudo-European drum beat. When you get into musical production, by default you begin to study other forms of musical creation. Europe is a hotbeat for creativity.

By the way, you should be finding and listening to all of these songs. Pronto. Most, if not all, are available on iTunes.

4. The Electric Prunes – Our Father, Our King

Despite a gawdawful name, this is some downright good damn music. It’s David Axelrod (who will show up again) – influenced and produced. I could probably spend an entire afternoon telling you how much I love David Axelrod’s music. You should google him. Yes, do that. He’s the backbone for lots of hip-hop nowadays, from Dr. Dre to Fat Joe to Kanye West he’s been sampled all over the board. Plus this shit is just good. Word. Life.

5. Alice Russell featuring TM Juke – Hurry On Now

Alice Russell is another one of the soulful arse white chicks from England. But man does she have some serious chops. I was instantly sold on her from the first 3 seconds of this song. Literally..and she ain’t even singing then. But anybody who recognizes music this good is alright with me like a hit song from the Temptations in the ’60s. Plus she’s cool as a fan and loves the club I work at.

6. Aphex Twin – Avril 14th

I’m kind of amazed that this song is on my most played since I only got this a few short weeks ago. That speaks to how much I love it. This cat Aphex Twin is really one dude from overseas I think. He’s a major player on the techno-ambient-drum ‘n bass-acid music scene. I’d never heard of him until Andy Samberg from SNL remade one of his songs for his parody about the Iranian PM saying that gays weren’t allowed in Iran or something. SNL got sued because the music was used without permission. What a gull-i-bull. It’s hot though.

7. Jackie DeShannon – What The World Needs Now Is Love

MmmmmmmMmm good. And it’s true. The world does need love. And lots of big-booty women who aren’t full of themselves. And I mean big-booty as in good booty. Not bad booty. Bad booty does nothing for the morale of anybody. When was the last time you heard this song get connected to booty? Like never? Yeah, me neither. Somehow, the only word I think of when I hear this song is…

…gangster. Not sure why but this song is gangster lika motherfucker to me. This shit is Frank Lucas kid.

8. David Axelrd – The Smile

Ah, my homeboy shows up again. I love this song to no end. Really, I have no idea how I wasn’t up on Axelrod years ago as he seems to have been making music for me all these years. Swoon! And it’s totally not a coincidence that this song is called “the smile” becuase I totally smile when I hear it. Hmm, that’s bad parallel structure. Grammar nerds stand up.

Grammar Nerds. Sounds like a new emo-alternative band. You heard it hear first people.

Dude, that’s so emo. Only its not at all.

9. Darondo – Didn’t I

Ten bucks to one you’ve never heard of him at all. Hell I’d be he hasn’t heard of himself either. I found this song in the MOST random of ways. So peep game. I was sniffing a dandelion…in the parking garage…when I heard this car come by bumping my music, which was actually the song “Bumpin’ My Music” by Ray Cash when I reached into my pocket for some cash to burn. It was so hot outside that I went inside. So in my army jacket lining was an uzi but I didn’t shoot anybody because that’s just wrong. Divorce court was on television and I watched these two people argue about dumb shit and dude said something like, “you know you slept with my nieces husband, didn’t ya bitch? didn’t ya?”

So that made me think, wouldn’t it be so so (def) hot if there was a song out there called, “Didn’t I”? Turns out there was. And this entire story was a lie.

What if Jermaine Durpi’s label was So So Hot? Like how bad of a name is that? Pretty bad or just fucking horrible? You be the judge.

10. Hem – Leave Me Here

This song is off the album Rabbit Songs which is so not about fucking. I know I was disappointed about that. I happened upon this song after buying the album because of the song “Half An Acre” which was in some insurance commercials. I loved that song so much I found it and remade the song into a hip-hop joint. I’m talented like that. Leave Me Here is just as good. Go get it. Hem is a folksy group but I’d recommend it in a heartbeat. It’s good music to clean and take a shower too.

So that’s what I’m listening to frequently. You should cop those songs and thank me for saving your life.

Good night and good luck.

Word to big bird!

Back by popular demand, we here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises are having our second rap battle. For those that don’t know, don’t show, or just don’t care about what goes on at the rap battle, here are the ground rules. If you don’t care, go light yourself on fire and sing Kumbaya.

1) Anything goes. This is not for the faint of heart. Though nobody here knows eachother all THAT well, the jabs can get pretty down right mean. Hell, if I’m not mistaken, Monk, made an acronym out of my name and called me some pretty foul things. Fuck him, by the way.

2) Don’t take anything personal. It’s all in fun and games. See The last sentence of the previous bullet point.

3) Keep posting until your hearts content. I will stop at around 5pm. Feel free to continue any throttleance of your comrades and fellow battlesters well into the wee hours and over the weekend. Me? After 5, I’ll be back Monday.

Okay, those are the ground rules. There is one last order of business before I start this off. I’ve been asked a few times about my opinion on T.I.’s new album, King, which is a very good album. Classic? Not so much. It had the potential, and after conversations with a few people, I just may discuss how he could have done it next week. Either way, in my attempts to figure out how to describe the album, I happened upon Byron Crawford AKA Bol Guevara website where he was discussing the labeling of T.I.’s album as a classic by some other writers, and he pretty much summed it up better than I could:

“As much as I hate to interrupt happy time, I’m going to have to call bullshit on this one. Both of these albums [with the other being Ghostface's Fishscale album] are pretty good as far as modern rap albums are concerned, but neither one of them is really worth more than maybe an 8 out of 10. I definitely wouldn’t refer to either one of them as a classic.

As I mentioned in the comments at Hip Hop Blogs, the last 6 tracks on the TI album are pure unadulterated shit. And it’s not like the first 12 constituted Illmatic either.”

Though I don’t think that all of the last 6 tracks are shit (with You Know Who being the exception), I pretty much agree.

Now…are you ready?

I say, are you ready??

Then let’s roll. I’ll throw out the first complimentary verse and let the battle begin.

Let me go ahead and begin the lyrical asswhippin’
I don’t care if you my blood, Imma treat you like you crippin’
and for those punk niggas who gon’ try to just slip in
I extend the middle finger salute to you bitches
I’m hoping that everybody is ready for fun and games
that’s gon’ last for 2 seconds as I dismantle all you lames
It’s a shame I got to do it, but thanks for entertaining
the thought of being more than a pawn while I’m reigning
I’m the King of these premises fuck you if you hating
you seem to think that these facts are up to be debated
I done stated in past times you dont want it with Petey Jakes
the most magnificent mofo in these here United States
I handled a few niggas before so don’t sleep
and since y’all niggas dont know history, Im gonna have to go and repeat

I’m so gangsta I just gave you 14 bars. Who you know only does 14?? Fucka 16. Just a little something to get people in the right state of mind…annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd…

Go.