[***1) This is a long ass review, but it's Jay-Z, it requires it. 2) I reviewed this album based on my listening experience of sitting outside on my corner as my neighbor blasted this in its entirety as I would not ever steal or pirate music...(avoiding lightning strike). ***]

“…can’t leave rap alone, the game needs me…” ~ Jay-Z, “Izzo (H.O.V.A.)” The Blueprint

After a three year hiatus, Shawn Carter has returned to grace the rap world with his presence. From Marcy to Madison Square he’s done it all and it was time to finally take a little R&R. He’s been everywhere. We’ve all seen the pictures of he and the misses vacationing from the Carribbean to Africa. Hell, he had a street named after him in Nigeria. I suppose Martin Luther King, Jr. Blvd was just a little bit too violent for their tastes. And out of the benevolence of his heart, he’s managed to take a message of clean water to many developing nations in both Africa and Asia. No word on whether he actually left a lifetime supply of Evian in any of those countries, but getting the word out is just as important, no?

That Jay-Z, what a humanitarian.

But amidst all of the work he’s done, not to mention running Def Jam, he felt that itch to record again. He’s a hustler, true. But he’s also a rapper, and by many folks measuring stick, he’s the Greatest of All Time. Truth be told, I think he is. Which means that whenever he drops an album, it’s an event. Hell, he all but buried the anticipation for Nas’ first Def Jam co-venture, Hip-Hop Is Dead…The N, the very second he announced he had an album dropping…originally slated for a week removed from Nas’ album. That definitely sounds like a Presidential fumble, Bush League style. Then again, he’s Hov so he does what he wants.

And nowhere is that notion more evident than on Kingdom Come. There’s a lot to be said for not caring what anybody but yourself feels when putting out an album. Kanye West comes to mind. Despite my many debates with people about Late Registration, Kanye did what the hell he wanted and put together quite the motherfucker of an album. And is it a classic? Even though I don’t like every song on the album (”Roses” comes to mind), yes it is. (That’s for you JK). Jay-Z takes that road on Kingdome Come. You might say he’s been doing that over his past few albums but I don’t think so. For instance, if he was just trying to do Jay, there is no way in HELL he would have made “Change Clothes” the first single from The Black Album. No way in hell. But he had to get radio and sales. So he did. The Blueprint? He was gunning for a classic album from the outset. He knew, everybody knew it so he had to do what classic albums do; go for the jugular when necessary, be introspective when necessary, and ultimately make sure that there is very little room for anybody to question the product (”Jigga That Nigga”, notwithstanding. I absolutely hate that song).

So what changed to make him finally make an album full of shit he just wants to do?? Well, basically, he’s rich, bitch. And comfortable. And probably a little bored. He has no real competition left. Not Nas. Not T.I. Not Lil Wayne. All very talented and respected rappers, but I mean, Jay doesn’t have shit to prove anymore. Now, he’s just rapping (or at least it seems like it) because he has some shit to say, some rumors to clear up, somethings on his heart, etc. And since he’s a rapper, and the most marketable one (when you see 50 Cent doing Heinekin adds, let me know), he will always have a venue and an audience. So he decided to utilize it.

End game.

So let’s talk about this album, shall we? Yes, let’s. For starters, the songs on this album that are great…are just that great. The songs that suck ass, do just that. There are some (only 2 but that’s 2 more than there should be) TERRIBLE songs on this album.

And for the record, let’s discuss the composition of a song. It is not merely lyrics. It is not merely the beat or the hook. It is the polygamist marriage of all three. But if the beat is horrendous, it makes the other two moot. See Canibus, Ras Kass, Xzibit…basically any of these so called “lyricists” who put together shitty albums. Antonymns: The Game, Jay Z.

With that said, you know there’s something afoul when the intro, “Prelude”, is the best song on the album. I don’t know who B-Money is, but he laced Jay with the most murderous intro beat I’ve heard in a long time. Over a killer Mel & Tim sample, Jay basically lays out who he is and why he does what he does. And as per usual, he finds a new way to tell us why he’s the greatest while taking subliminal but clear shots at those who talk shit subliminally, like The Game.

Then we get into the Just Blaze section of the album. The first 3 tracks are all produced by Just Blaze. First up in the queue is “Oh My God“. As any Just Blaze beat goes (save “Dear Summer” which might be one of my absolute favorite Just Blaze beats), it’s loud and raucous. And I hated it the first time I heard it. But it’s grown on me. And it will grow on you. It’s almost impossible for it not too.

Lyrically, there is one hell of a recurring theme on this album. It’s one of, “I’m still here and this is what I’ve done, respect me and my place in the game.” There’s also a theme of maturity and being grown. But we’ll get to that.

“Kingdom Come“. What can I say about this except it might be one of my favorites on the album. And I hated it at first too. See a trend? You know, as far as songs on this album go, this is the one where Jay really lays out his claim as being the greatest. Of course, you’ve heard this a milliont times by now, but he really asserts himself back into any argument he might have been left out of recently as far as NY goes.

“Show Me What You Got” The single and I do not like it at all. It has nothing to do with Jay moreso than I just don’t like the beat. It’s his ode to product placement and the video is clearly his attempts at cross-over appeal. Dude, Danica Patrick AND Dale Earnhardt, Jr…in the same video??? Being shot in Monaco? Geez-o-flip. I just don’t like this shit. I don’t think I ever will.

Dr. Dre (or whoever makes his beats for him) contributes four tracks and you know what? They all sound the same but they all sound different. Which makes me wonder what an entire Dre-produced album would sound like right now. He has the same basic elements in every beat. Heavy, slow minimalist drum beat. Some bass-chord progessions, and a piano riff. He might throw some strings in to give it an extra eery feel. So why in the fuck is it still impossible for most producers, aside from Kanye, to really fuck with Dre? Me no know.

Dre provides the best song on the album to me in “30 Something” where Jay basically let’s all you young fucks know what being grown is all about. Hell, the first time I really listened to it I asked one of my boys if Jay made being 30 cool. Hell, he killed the throwback industry and Cristal. Perhaps he just might make being 30 that hot shit. It’s also where he drops my favorite line of the album: “i’m afraid of the future/y’all respect who got shot, i respect the shooter…”

Seriously, this is an epidemic that must be stopped. I like 50 just as much as anybody else but random idiots really think getting shot means you are the man. That shit makes you a victim. It doesn’t take anything to get shot. Just yesterday I passed up the opportunity to get shot…I mean, my album isn’t even close to being finished yet.

The much ballyhooed song “Lost Ones featuring Chrisette Michelle” is another Dre track that is amazingly soulful and effective in its simplicity. You’ve heard it too and it’s good. Game. Set. Match.

On the song “Trouble” (produced by Dr. Dre) he touches on the long-lost rumors of his baby with Free: “…that’ll be the day I have a baby by Free/not to say that anything is wrong with Free/just to say that ain’t nothing wrong with me/if my hand’s in the cookie jar, know one thing/I’m gonna take the cookie not leave my ring…”

Well, I’m glad that’s settled.

Jay even gets specifically topical and addressed Hurricane Katrina on “Minority Report featuring Ne-Yo” (prod. by Dr. Dre) and the response to it by himself (kind of deep actually) and others. By the way, I hate Ne-Yo. Thank you.

You know what, let’s talk about the pitfalls on this album. Normally, a less than stellar track would be just that, less than stellar. Not on Kingdom Come. Oh no buddy. You need a for instance, don’t you? Sure you do.

Let’s start with “Anything” (produced by Pharrell and featuring Usher). Pure and utter bullshit. I mean this song is the bar by which garbage should be measured. And I know some of you will end up liking it. And if you do, please never come to me and tell me what “quality” music is ever again.

For real.

Not to be outdone by asstasticness, the song “Anything” is followed up by “Hollywood” which features Beyonce. Oy vey. So like, have you ever seen a petite woman who’s gotten into a fight with a much bigger, butch looking chick who seems like she fights men and fences for a living? Yeah, that’s what this song sounds like to me. A bad idea in practice. Executed in even worse fashion. Who even cares what its about. It sounds like a Beyonce song with Jay rapping on it.

A Beyonce song so bad that even Kelly Rowland wouldn’t want to get on it and we know she needs work.

Speaking of which, Jay is rumored to be doing another Best of Both World’s with none other than…Beyonce.

You may all die silently now. Though “Upgrade U” is hot as the fuck.

And of course, no album is complete without a Swizz Beatz production. And the song “Dig A Hole” would be that production. It’s the song with the uninspired ass verses directed at Cam’ron. He could have saved them joints, for real. I don’t know if it’s just me or not, but I feel like Swizz has been mailing his beats in lately. Between this and the song on The Game’s album the beats just seem uninspired. It’s like he’s just making beats because he’s supposed to, not because he wants them to be good. Then again, Jay and The Game did have to actually PICK those beats so I can’t blame Swizz but so much. Oh, and the dude singing on this song, Sterling Simms? I never ever want to hear from him again.

And who can forget the Kanye West contribution. Now this is a difficult position to be in. For one, I don’t like the song or the beat for “Do U Wanna Ride” featuring John Legend. For two, it sounds like a John Legend song and not a Jay song. For three, the beat sucks. But it only sucks in the, “dude, it’s Kanye…this couldn’t have been the best beat he submitted so Jay must have liked the feel.” For instance, Kanye dropped the “Wouldn’t Get Far” beat on The Game and contributed not only a great verse…

…but the BEST verse on The Game’s album.

Yeah, I said it.

Plus, it’s Kanye, by this point, I just expect the Kanye beat on most albums to be amongst the best. Yeah, I’m comparing him to his other stuff, but that’s his fault he makes good stuff, not mine for hearing it.

And then there’s the song “Beach Chair” (produced by Chris Martin from Coldplay; with an assist from Dr. Dre) where Jay informs us that “life is like a beach chair.” Funny, I didn’t actually know that. I tend to prefer the “life is like a box of chocolates myself” but one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Cliches are fun aren’t they?

It sounds like Jay rapping over a Coldplay song to me. Personally, I love this song. Not much else I can say. He just kind of lays out his life and aspirations. Much like he does on the DJ Khalil produced “I Made That” which is another monster of a track. It’s kind of a letter to his mother…actually, it’s not kind of. It is. And it’s fuckin’ great.

In a nutshell, and despite my first listen hateration, this album isn’t as bad as I originally surmised. The problem is that the songs I don’t like, I hate. Like I can’t even feign half an interest in them. But it’s a fairly solid album. Now what’s funny is that I’m hearing people (and reading motherfuckers) say that Puffy’s album is better than this. And if you actually believe that, then I would find it hard to ever actually believe your opinion again. Puffy’s album is horrible. He can’t rap. He can’t ride a beat. Hell, he can’t even rap other people’s shit in a convincing manner.

Anyway, overall, Kingdom Come isn’t a classic, nor should it be even believed to be close. The good songs are great and the bad songs require me to really want to ask Jay what the fuck he was thinking. Jay is basically letting you know where he is right now in his life and how he views the rest of us little niggas (which he says a whopping almost 20 times on the song “Trouble”). He’s a grown ass man who does grown ass man things. And he has good credit.

Not bad for a hustler who’s credit used to be being able to get work on consignment. And yes that’s a drug reference.

Is it a career-defining album? Nope. The Blueprint already did that and Reasonable Doubt would be too if most of you actually ever knew Jay existed before “Hard Knock Life”.

But solid album? Despite prior leanings, I’d say yes. And you’ll buy it anyway so it only matters in the realm of his legacy.

It’s still in tact.

And even if you don’t think so…you’ll still be in the club or in your car doing the Presidential:

“…wave, wave, wave…”

Because basically, he will not lose…

Hi, my name is Panama.

You know, Noriega. The real Noriega. But he don’t owe me any favors.

You might remember me from such informercials and educational tools as Panama “Mr. Oh So Sexxy” Jackson’s Guide to Obtaining Your Second “X” (The Guide to Being Sexxy) and How To Become Unattractive in 10 Minutes Or Less.

And before we go any further, we will take a quick commercial break to hear a cautionary word from our sponsors, Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises.

*white noise*

*unwhite noise…I guess we’d call this rap music…oh, wait…that’s right…nevermind*

We here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises would like to go on record as stating that there is some misinformation being placed into the atmosphere and clubs worldwide. The culprits probably don’t know that they are in direct violation of the G-Code (whoadie) but they are. So, we’d just like to get the books straight so we don’t have to hang Bird of the Midnight Falcons out of anymore windows. Justin Timberlake and Timbaland are not bringing sexxy back.

I repeat, they are not bringing sexxy back. Panama Jackson never let it go in the first place.

Thank you.

I slay me. I really do.

*chuckle*

Back to the lecture at hand.

Today I’d like to drop a gem on ‘em. A jewel, if you will. A bunch of jewels. She said she wanted diamonds, I took her to Ruby Tuesdays. I assume that quite a few of you out there are club goers and probably have some innate level of cool about you. Which means that at some point, you just might throw a party yourself, in a box, or with a fox; in a house, or with a mouse (word to Mickey); here or there, or perhaps, even anywhere.

Perhaps you even like green eggs and ham. However, I do not, like them…just call me Pan-ama.

Okay, that indeed was dumb.

So say you want to throw a party and you’re scrambling like crazy to come up with the perfect playlist and the proper placement for each and every song.

True story: I went to a wedding in Miami in July and the bride and groom asked me to put together a playlist for the BBQ/Picnic they were having. I both love and hate those tasks. I love them because I love putting these things together but I hate them because I know how much time I’m going to spend on these things. I will lose days. And I did. Do you know I pieced together a good 6 hours of music, song by song, deliberately, and they didn’t even use it. Somebody forgot to bring the stereo. The moral of the story? Wear shower shoes in college dorms.

Well, I’m here to give you a heads up on 5 sure shot songs that you can NEVER EVER go wrong with. In fact, your party just might not be a party if these 5 songs don’t get played. They are club bangers that work everywhere. And why am I doing this? It’s because I love and care about you. I do this for my culture, ya know and this is so gangsta…that for real…

…after this flow you might owe me a favor.

Top shelf, Patron level information I’m providing here for those who have been previously unprovided for.

Just call me welfare.

Club bangers, ninja. That’s what I want.

You know, I see a few confused souls out there who are like…”dude, what is a club banger?”

Glad you asked; it gives me a reason to do a definition.

Club banger. noun. from the Latin for clubbus bangerustosticus. Or the Roman (Georgia) for webeclubbineyayeyay. 1) a song that will cause every one within earshot to go into momentary paralysis as they realize (and often times proclaim) “that’s my song (or shit)” and begin to gyrate in gyratious gyratastics. 2) songs that DJ keeps in arsenal for when the people aren’t seeming so into the mix he’s playing. 3) songs that inevitably require everybody to smile and like eachother for at least 1 minute as people search out individuals to dance with.

Now that we’ve gotten the definition out of the way, let us discuss the demographics we’re targeting here. You can’t just break out these club bangers and expect the Jibbs crowd to get it. In fact, if you listen to Jibbs, you should just go shoot yourself right now. Demographically speaking, we’re dealing with the 23 and up set, with at least a sizable amount of African-Americans as we all know that in clubs, when Black people start dancing, white people start watching and will begin to mimic what you’re doing.

You know, I’ve actually seen some white folks outdance Black folks. And despite the fact that I’m playing into the stereotypes of ninjas and their dancing, truth is truth. That was a sad sad day in Black America. What next…tall Chinese basketball players?? Get out of here…

Hey, are you ready?

Like ready ready?

By the way…what I’m doing? Gettin’ money? What we doin’? Gettin’ money? Stuntin’ like my daddy. Stuntin’ like my daddy.

I just felt like sharing…and we all know…*class?* Sharing is caring!

5 SONGS THAT ARE GUARANTEED TO GET YOUR PARTY STARTED RIGHT, GET YOUR PARTY STARTED QUICKLY…RIGHT?

And by the way, you should NEVER play C+C Music Factory UNLESS there are 8 white people per 1 Black person. In which case we would call that corporate America. Or a country club. Either way, don’t do it.

1. BBD - “Poison“

Good googly moogly (that thang is juicy). I wonder if they knew the monster they had on their hands when they created this song. Going strong for at least 16 years now, this song is guaranteed to get any crowd off their asses. For one, the drumbreak introduction is one of the most famous you’ll ever hear. Everybody knows it. In fact, if you know somebody who has never heard of this song and couldn’t identify it from it’s introduction…you should stop hanging with them. They might get you killed. Seriously.

Why is this song a club banger? Well, for one, it warms you up all on its own and lets you pretend you’re about to turn this mother out. “You ready…Ron? I’m ready Slick…are you?…*drumbreak*…Girl I must warrrrrrrn youuuuuu…”

It allows you to relive your days as an aspiring dancer and is always a good time to showcase any moves you actually remember from the early 90s. Basically, you do NOT want to see me when this song comes on. Son, I’m taking you OUT!!!!

Listen very carefully though, it’s important to know when to play this song. You can’t play it too early. This is the type of song you play when the crowd has filled in nicely and folks are kind of in that ready-to-party-but-waiting-for-their-jam mode. Once you throw this on, you are required to keep the party moving.

Lucky for you I’ve got four more songs guaranteed to do just that. Allons y.

2. Prince - “Kiss”

Another song with an instantly recognizable intro. You know what makes this song great? I’ll tell you what makes this song great. It allows folks to be really playful with any person of the opposite sex in their purview. It is also a great song to snag the guy/gal you’ve been eyeing and using this song as the icebreaker. Of course it requires one to have the balls enough to go request a dance but hey…that’s not my talk show. I’ve always loved this song because it speaks right to my heart. For one, I’m not rich. I mean I’m cool…but shit, nowhere NEAR as cool as Prince…and he’s right…ain’t no particular time…aw fuck it…you’re only there because you really want their…emm…kiss.

In fact, there is no reason NOT to get up and dance with this song playing. If you are out with a bunch of chicks who sit when this song is on then they have issues beyond repair (or have no legs) or they have jealous boyfriends at home. And since we all know that most men suck and will stand and watch women dance anyway, I put the honus on women to put out some pheromones to let the men pick up the slack.

Aside: None of these songs should be played before there is a sizable crowd in the venue. Further, this song (”Kiss”) should not be played until you have a sizable number of women dancing but not really getting it as they wait for the men to make their moves.

Another Aside: I absofuckin’lutely HATE the Cha-Cha Slide but for some reason its a popular dance song. However it has its place (weddings, bat mitzvahs, circumcisions,etc). That place is not at a club dammit. If you play the Cha-Cha Slide I will want to cut you with a rusty barnacle and a Bette Midler Special Edition DVD of Beaches (though I really like that movie).

3. Maze featuring Frankie Beverly - “Before I Let Go“

Also known as the Black National Anthem. And you can take that “Lift Every Voice And Sing” mambo jambo elsewhere. Hell, how many of you actually KNOW the second and third verse of “Lift Every Voice”? Hell…how many of you didn’t even know, until just now, that there was more than one verse?? But who DOESN’T know the words to “Before I Let Go”?

Mmhmm.

This song never has a wrong time to be played. People of all ages know and love this song…except people who limit their music choices to BET’s 106 & Park. This feelgood song will get everybody participating. Even the dudes holding up the wall might begin to sway and move into the center of the room on this one. Infectious, engaging, and just downright fun…PLUS…it’s another song you can use to holler at somebody in a playful and unaggressive manner. You get to hand-dance and everything and sing to them, “Before I let you gooooooooooooooooooooo-oooo-ooooo-oooo…I’ll never never never never” Well you get the point.

And if you don’t? The Drop Squad is coming for you. Your Blackness is in question.

Dude, there REALLY was a bunch of white kids from Long Island who called themselves Young Black Teenagers and ran that whole, Black is a state of mind spiel. I still laugh at that. Somehow I bet they’re all successful right now.

4. Luke - “Scarred“

You must be very careful when you pull this song out. For one, you are about to send your party to DefCon 3. The gazillion beats per minute will have everybody moving. Anybody who isn’t moving…is a cop.

The right time to throw this song on is right when you see your partygoers on the edge. They’re really dancing and having a good time but they need that extra zing to push them over. But be careful…once you go here, there’s no turning back. You might have to officially turn your party into a sweatbox. Ya know, this is one song where I’ve actually seen people lose their damn minds over. Which is a good thing. I’m a Southern cat. When this comes on, I’m putting in work and if you’re a female within 6 inches of me…you will be putting in work as well. This is the part of the party where folks forget that they’re trying to keep up appearances. Only a few songs render people helpless to their club self-image, but anybody who cares so much about how they look when this song comes on that they refuse to really move either 1) can’t dance for shit, or 2) is a bad person.

Hands down.

Actually, throw your hands up!

And last but not least…one of the most famous songs that will ALWAYS get your party going…

5. E.U. - “Da Butt“

Lisa got a big ole butt…oh yeah!!

This song never gets old and everybody can participate. And should participate. Much like “Scarred”, many a person will just say to hell with it and get down with the get down. As well they should. The go-go song that will live on forever in the hearts and minds of lads and lasses everywhere.

“Gimme dat butt”. You know…that’s kind of suggestive, no?

I really don’t even know what to say about this one aside from no party is complete unless this song has been played. It’s like a mall with no Gap…it’s incomplete like a Sisqo song written by Montell Jordan. It’s lacking like Paris Hilton’s clothing. It sucks like Jenna Jameson. It blows like pops.

And besides…what other song do you know specifically requests gratuitous ass wrangling. Fellas, if she doesn’t want you wrangling her ass, she wouldn’t dance with you.

You betta know dat.

These are but a smattering of songs that will get a party going, but I’d contend that these just may be the top 5 club bangers that will guarantee that the patrons of your party participate proactively on the parquet.

Go, run with the wolves and use this information wisely. Heed the words of one wise, Stanley Burrell, and…

…turn this motha out.

As a fan of all types of music, I’ve learned that different types of music require different types of listening. Good or bad, facts are facts.

For instance, when listening to some rap music, you have to more or less suspend reality and realize that these ninjas haven’t killed nearly as many people as they claim. They give themselves way too much of a curve. If you listen to a 50 Cent album, he must murder well over 100 people per album and I just refuse to believe he’s responsible for that many. Perhaps 2 or 3, but 100 is just too many.

When listening to rock, one must realize that listening while using LSD just might increase the experience. Not that I have any experience in that or anything, I’m just saying.

When listening to a lot of emo-punk shit, I often listen with the understanding that I won’t know what in the shit these groups are talking about. And more often than not, I’m proven right. It is with this understanding that I realize that either I’m not very deep, or these bastards are saying a whole lot of everything and a whole lot of nothing at the exact same time.

The problem with this is that I’ve always fashioned myself to be a thinker; a problem-solving, puzzle buster, if you will. So when I do actually get around to listening to the words of songs (which for me might come a cool year after initially hearing something), I’m confronted with the self-awareness that I am, indeed, not deep.

I’m not deep because I believe a person who was deep would be able to find some greater meaning in the lyrics that are sung and said lyrics would provide said deep person with some insight into the world or their personal life causing them to potentially consider suicide or perhaps consider Tae-Bo or something…

The bottom line is that, a deep person would hear the words to these types of song and be able to attach something to the words that would allow the words to make sense. I was gifted in life with the ability to read, yet how come when I read the words to some of my favorite songs, I have no Earthly idea what in the shit they are talking about?

Or perhaps, I’m not meant too. But if that’s the case, how is it that so many people gain meaning from Nirvana songs when I know full damn well that Kurt Cobain couldn’t have seriously had any meaning behind some of his lyrics. And I’m a Nirvana fan. You know, that just might be how you know you’ve made it in life. If you ever get to the point where you can spit pure gibberish, and it moves an entire generation, well, you’ve made it.

I will say though, and I’ve stood by this assertion for quite some time now, I believe that the keys to the Universe are trapped inside of Nirvana’s lyrics. If you can crack that code…well, you just might become the most powerful person in the Universe. Word to Powder.

You might be asking yourself, what brought on this randomnation?

Even if you aren’t asking yourself, but are merely ruminating on something…or marinating, then I shall share because as we all know, sharing is caring.

You know what else is caring? Carebears. Now, I’ve seen Carebears II: The Movie, but it didn’t really seem as if it was much of a sequel, but more of a prequel to the sequel, which almost seems to skip a step, now doesn’t it?

By the way, The Wire is still the best show on television. Oh, and Grey’s Anatomy is my shit. And my new shit is Studio 60 on Sunset Strip.

What’s the reason for all of that information? Remember, I care. Therefore I share.

*hugs*

I was listening to one of my favorite songs the other day, “Leave Me Here” by a group called Hem. The song is on their debut album Rabbit Songs. Par chance, you may have heard of them but you didn’t realize it. One of their songs, “Half Acre” is being featured in a Liberty Mutual Insurance commercial right now. The song featured in the commercial is bananas. I said the shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

I’m a sucker for pianos. Always have been. It’s my favorite instrument and is probably why I’m such a huge fan of The Fray. Well, this song “Leave Me Here” is a piano heavy song. Piano’s and strings…so the song tugged at my heart strings. I’m a softy and I like emotive songs.

It’s beautiful music. And I love beautiful music. And that feelin’ music. Early.

*hugs*

Well, just the other day, I really started listening to the song. Mostly because of one of the lyrics which states, “he took me to heaven and left me there…”

I was like, man…that’s deep.

Deep.

Un-shallow.

You know I hate Starbucks with everything that is my being, right? And I really do think Starbucks is “the man”. Like, for real.

But that damn commercial they’re running where everybody is in the streets damn near line dancing and singing “you da man, you da man”…

…yeah, I love that shit. It entertains me.

So, as I finally sat and listened to the words of the song, I realized that my brain just might be quick enough to both listen and process the lyrics. So I did what any able-bodied, debonaire, sexxy, pimpnificent, light-skinneded, left-hand-slappin’, right-hand-dappin’ black man would do.

I hit up the Internet for the lyrics.

Because I care, I shall share the lyrics with you.

I should wake up this town
my heart’s on fire
main road and no one’s around
as the flames climb higher
i have been here before
and i know the way
but love seemed sweeter and sure
in the light of the day

so as i rise, i will reach for the livin’
and i’ll say no prayer
cause tonight love feels nothing like heaven
don’t leave me here

I was told to just treat the lyrics like a free-verse poem (read: all subject to interpretation), but for some reason that just didn’t sit well with me. Clearly, the song is about love (or is it?). But I can’t tell if its good love or if it’s ungood love…which would be bad love…which would be everything that Flavor of Love seems to be.

Flavor Flaaaaaaav.

I mean, is it good, is it bad? Tonight, he took you to Heaven, but tonight feels nothing like Heaven. Potentially, he has her on an emotional rollercoaster (word to Vivian Green…where is she, by the way?). Or perhaps, the same love that makes her feel so high is the same love that brings her down. Which could put this square in the realm of marriage. Or perhaps (you know, I really like the word perhaps…not as much as the word, supple, but a lot), this song merely stands as her thoughts on the confusion and despair she’s fallen too. The fact that she’s been here before, but now she’s lost…

That could signify that perhaps they used to throw darts together, but he wants to throw no more darts with her. But they’re standing at the dartboard.

In essence, they’re together like normal, but something just isn’t right.

Maybe, it’s just about love lost. And the longing for it to return. Or the being left to be in love all by yourself…hence the same person that took you there, is the person that left you there.

Like parents.

Do you know, that after writing this, I feel like I have a more clear idea of what the song is about?

Or maybe I don’t.

Because you see, tonight, these lyrics took me to Vegas…and they left me there.

Or maybe they didn’t leave me there. Because tonight, DC feels nothing like Vegas…and I’d rather that you didn’t leave me here.

Do you see my dilemma?

It is all quite possible that I’m just a follower and this is all my fault because I want the lyrics to this and other songs that aren’t crystal clear to be, crystal clear (as opposed to Crystal Light), instead of commanding thought. Maybe this is the reason that I don’t like abstact art as much as I do a picture where I can figure out exactly what’s going on.

Somehow, I could never find Waldo…he was just never right there. The ability to think and reason and interpret things how we see them shouldn’t be lost on me, now should it?

Word to the Bible.

Or…

Maybe I read too much.

Or maybe I don’t read enough.

Whatever the case, don’t leave me here.

There’s been something on my mind for quite some time now.

And I acknowledge that it isn’t deep and probably doesn’t deserve too much mention, but alas, I can’t help myself.

I mean, I use words like alas from time to time.

Time after time…if you’re lost and you look then you will find me…

That damn Cyndi Lauper, boy. Way ahead of her time.

Anyway, we were discussing what bothers me. It’s this.

Everytime I hear T.I.’s song “Why You Wanna” I find myself cringing at the part of the song where he says: “Is you happy?”

*clap*

And yes, I do agree with the Tipster, if your ass is phat, you really shouldn’t tell a nigga no…I mean why would you want to go and do that, love, huh?

Perhaps its the education in me, but hearing intentionally incorrect English so blatantly browbeaten just hurts my feelings. And I know its a rap song, and as most rappers are black people, we tend to speak in horrible English all the time anyway.

Hell, I STILL say shit like, “they be trippin’ sometimes…” So there is a little bit of pot calling the kettle ebony here, but still. It’s just so pronounced in that song. They stop the music and everything. It’s like clouds are parting and all of a sudden the only voice you hear, the only authoritative voice you may hear at the end of a heavenly diatribe about women saying no when their panties are so wet is some nigga who clearly KNOWS better.

Okay, so yeah, I’ve heard T.I. talk and and English professor he isn’t. But he’s smart. And I’m almost positive that when recording the song he might have (at least once) attempted to say it correctly. Problem is, it probably sounded better as “is you happy?”

Case in point…I read somewhere that when Kanye was recording the song “Crack Music” from Late Registration, he didn’t want to use the word “nigga” in the chorus, where it goes, “It’s that crack music, nigga/that real Black music, nigga.” He said he tried to use brotha and I believe he said he tried to use something else (EDIT: I was just informed that the other word was “homie”). But nothing quite captured the sentiment (or sounded as good) as well as “nigga”. And the worst part is, I do understand. I’ve been writing songs for a while now and my goal is to not curse or use the n-word in any of my songs.

Do you know how hard that is? Especially considering the source. I have friends who don’t use the n-word because they have said I use it enough for all of us.

Oh well, I’m good at it.

Just like cursing, I’m really good at that.

I remember one summer in Atlanta when I was staying at my grandmother’s house and we were all outside playing. There were these two cousins that lived two doors down from my grandmother and they were like the little 12 year old ‘hood pimps.

Oh yeah, I was 12. I learned to read at 3 years old so at this point, I’m working with a solid 9 years of grammar and comprehension training.

So these girls walked up to us, and one of the cats said, “hey shawty, what yo’ name iyah?”

Even at 12 that stung. I remember thinking to myself, “thats not right…” My very education had been challenged, offended, and scoffed at all at once. In fact, I’m not sure that I could fix my lips to ask a woman that in all seriousness.

But one day…I had an epiphany. I realized that when using the term “shawty”, it is downright wrong to use correct English after it.

For instance, if I came up to you and said, “hey shawty, what’s your name?” wouldn’t that sound dumb?

Reading it might not give you the full effect.

So do this for me: say it out loud to yourself a few times. Try the “what yo’ name iyah” and “what’s your name” after the statement “Hey Shawty…”

*waiting*

It sounds better the ‘hood way doesn’t it?

Which brings me back to my original beef with T.I.’s statement. He doesn’t say shawty before he makes the statement so it seems to me that he could have said it properly. I’m almost sure that they tested it both ways. I know I would have. Thing is, with T.I. it’s okay for him to say it that way because, it’s well, T.I.

Nobody expects Russell Simmons to be able to speak, and I swear Jay-Z is either the slowest talkin’ nigga in history or speaks so deliberately as to not waste a word. My money is on the former.

Like I said, I’m really overthinking this, but it does make me cringe when I hear him say it. Every time.

And it’s Friday, and it was on my mind.

Sue me.

I’m still sexxy.

But to all the women out there, if you ever want to holler at me, and you say, “what yo’ name iyah…” I will surely laugh at you and ask you…

…why you wanna go and do that love, huh?

Of course, I might also ask you, “is you happy?”

And then ask to see your tattoos.

Of your children.

Thank you and good night.

My speakers at work blew. I have no idea how in the hell this happened. It ain’t like I’m in here bumping Dre and Rick Ross “Chevy Ridin’ High” or anything.

Or some of that ol’ skool Outkast.

Or Luke for goodness’ sake.

Nope, I just listen to some of that good old fashioned quality good good shit.

So since I can’t listen to it, I’m going to list the top 10 most played songs on my work iTunes and discuss them a little bit. You see, I’m quite obsessive with some of the music that’s on here. I have songs that I’ve listened to well over 200 times…that I only put on here a week ago.

Repeat is my oyster.

Oh, and while we’re here, the other day, in my comments, HC stated that Guy’s self-titled album, Guy, (of course you already know it was called Guy because I said “self-titled” which would imply that it would be titled after the self as opposed to perhaps the id or superego or some other overly arrogant subconscious narcissistic notion) was a better album than Bobby Brown’s Don’t Be Cruel. Well, as any good researcher would do I went back and revisited Guy’s album.

No comparison homey. Not even close. I think I will do an indepth Panamalysis on this sometime next week.

So, being as I’m in the purgatoratious hell-hole that is work without the sultry sounds of melodious splender, let us begin the sharing…as you know…

…sharing is caring.

Panama’s Purgatory Playlist: Making It Thru The Day

1. Psapp - Cosy In The Rocket

This is the theme song from Grey’s Anatomy. When I tell you I love this song, I mean I want to hug and kiss and hold and cuddle the music on this song. Umm…no brokeback. Seriously, the music on this has such a hypnotic feel to it I get lost in it every time. And I STILL have no clue what in the fuck they’re talking about on it. I just know its gangsta. I wish I could produce a song like this. In fact, I don’t think I’ll stop trying until I make something that hits me the way this did the very first time I heard it.

2. Phyllis Hyman - Be Careful (How You Treat My Love)

I remember the first time I ever really listened to Phyllis Hyman. It was at my boy’s crib quite a few months back. He played her big hit “You Know How To Love Me” and its a good song but it didn’t really draw me in. I’d heard of her but I wasn’t all enthralled. So one day, I was in Tower Records blowing more money I didn’t have and I saw this compilation. I was like, fuck it, so I picked it up. The next day I was driving to New York and I put it in as I left my street.

Do you know I listened to this one CD on the entire 4 hour drive to NY. AND on the way back. And this song? It made a fan, a believer, and a sad sap out of me. Her voice is so beautiful I can’t believe I never discovered it before. And the way she sings on this song nearly brought a tear to my eyes. Shit sounds authentic even if she didn’t write it. You betta…bee-eeee-eee careful how you treaaaaaaaaaaaat my loooooooooooove. Hands down one of my favorite songs ever. This is the second most played song on my iTunes and only because I intentionally stopped myself from listening to it.

This song also made me really really sad that she took her own life. Then again, that fits in right nice with my other favorite singers who have tragically met their end or got head in the whip one too many times.

3. Jefferson Airplane - Somebody To Love

Between the drugs, white rabbits, and peace signs, I love hippie shit from the 60’s and ’70s. Most of it was just so fun and drug oriented. Not that I’m into drugs or anything. Just say no! However, Jefferson Airplane was that hot drug music way before Cam’ron and Dipset flooded the market. They were the Clipse before Malicious niece felt that chinchilla. Of course the difference being they were using it and the other niggas are distributing but we’re just splitting hairs. Hell the album this song came from was called Surrealistic Pillow. If that ain’t a drug induced album title, well call me Jeb and make me governor of Florida.

All I know is that I love this song and Grace Slick’s voice works really well with their sound. Viva white rabbits and San Francisco!

4. The Mad Lads - Make This Young Lady Mine

Another of my favorite songs of all time is De La Soul’s song “Eye Know” off the 3 Feet High and Rising album. This song with an assist from Steely Dan (I love Steely Dan) are the reasons why. I’m a sucker for horns. The horns that kick this song off make me want to hug squirrels…then boot them little fuckers down the street. Speaking of hugs then kicks, similar to kicking and pushing, Lupe Fiasco style, have you seen the commercials for the sour gummy bears? Where the bears do something evil and then like give you a hug…because they’re sour and then sweet? I William H. Holla LOVE those commercials. They crack me up everytime.

Yoski.

5. Tom Scott - Today

I paid 30 dollars for the album (Honeysuckle Breeze) that this song was on. It’s a Jefferson Airplane cover from the same album that “Somebody To Love” was on. I won’t say too much more. Aaron McGruder used this song in an episode of the Boondocks and I nearly spit my Kool-Aid all over the television. There’s a really good reason why too, but if you don’t know…then I ain’t tellin.

I should tell you here that I don’t really put too much rap on my computer at work. Reason being, I refuse to use headphones. I blast shit out of my speakers and figured that blasting 50 Cent’s “Many Men” wouldn’t be such a good look around the office. Especially since people like me like to forget to turn my music off when I leave my office for a few minutes.

Not. A. Good. Look.

6. Blue Oyster Cult - (Don’t Fear) The Reaper

This is an old school rock song from the 70’s. Talk about a weird as group but this song knocks hard as hell. It has a very subdued sound to it but its some quality good shit, trust me. It reminds me of drinking Long Island Iced Teas with my home C-Breeze sitting under some trees down in the West Indies…word life. I don’t know how many of you boho’s out there are anti rock ‘n roll but this is definitely a good song to have in the repertoire. Sounds like some shit Babyface would have written if he wasn’t black, was high, wasn’t into R&B, and was into strange pseudo-weird rock ‘n roll.

See, just like Babyface.

7. Rick James featuring Smokey Robinson - Ebony Eyes

Two things to say with this song: 1) I do not like Smokey Robinson, at all. I can only think of like 2 of his songs that I like, maybe 3 and they were all with the Miracles. 2) I remember hearing this for the first time in May. I’m so ashamed.

When I tell you I can’t get enough of a particular song…well, I suppose that would mean I can’t get enough of a particular song. This song would be one in particular that I can’t get enough of…particularly. “And I bet you didn’t know thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat…ebony eyes…” This is the kind of song you sing to a woman you’re really feeling but since its so goofy feeling you can fuck it up and have all kinds of fun with it. You should own this song.

Actually, you should own every song I tell you about. All my choices are topshelf homey. No bottom shelf here.

I am Panama Jackson.

8. Soul Survivors - Soul To Soul

This is some of that blue eyed soul straight from the streets of Philly. These fellows were one of the first groups that Kenny Gamble and Leon Huff worked with when they began developing the sound that would take over the city and eventually add another sound to the national landscape. I don’t know why I like this song so much, it isn’t especially great but the beginning just makes me want to slap Stedman. So maybe that’s it. Either way, it stays on repeat around here something vicious.

Freak of the week.

9. The Doors - Light My Fire

This is possibly one of the most popular songs of all time and for good reason. Jim Morrison was one drugged out white boy. But he did his thing until his untimely but seemingly predictable demise in 1971. Everybody’s heard this before so it doesn’t need much discussion, but I love it. Im a big Doors fan. Despite the horrible sound that some of these recordings possess they got a lot of raw energy involved.

10. Jimi Hendrix (as part of Band of Gypys) - Who Knows?

Talk about your resident party starter if you’re a part of the neo-soul or just drug loving set. This song is so damn smoking. I get my whiteboy on everytime this song comes on. I will drive down the mean streets of NW DC blasting this song as loud as it can go. Okay, saying I get my whiteboy on is kind of stupid considering two of the three people playing on this album were black (Jimi and drummer Buddy Miles), but you know how you black people get when it comes to rock and shit. And further, the whole song is just one long ass question mark.

They don’t know…I don’t know…

It’s just a bunch of clueless folks trying to find answers to questions they don’ t know. I’m sorry, but music doesn’t get any better than that.

And as a bonus:

11. Petey Jakes - The Lookout

(I also have it up at my regular MySpace site [panamadjackson] but that shit is trippin’ right now. )

Yeah so, a lot of people don’t know this, but I’ve been working on an album for a little while now with a one of my boys/producers I know. It’s a work in progress and slow moving but I got a hell of a shot in the arm like two days ago. Could be big news, could be unbig news. Either way, somebody will find out something soon. I don’ t know. (see song #10) Anyway, I linked one of my songs to MySpace, so in the even that you want to hear one of my songs, just click on the link and check it out. If you want to offer feedback, please do. Of course if you hate it, kiss my ass. I’m sexxy.

[***Also, if you're looking for a party to go to tonight and you can't think of shit else to do, go to this link, RSVP before 5pm and get in free before 11pm. It's a good party, I always have fun and wyle out, and its for charity (Sudan). You just can't lose. ***]

[***EDIT (451pm EST): For anybody that cares, I've taken to blogging on my MySpace page quite frequently as well. Over there though, it's usually very short (no...for real) ideas or thoughts. I've posted 3 times today over there. I just felt like sharing that information because sharing is caring. Panama Over At MySpace. ***]

I’m not sure how many people are aware of this, but in the United States of America, June is Black Music Month. A few years ago, President Bush signed some proclamation, proclaiming that June would be a month to recognize and celebrate the achievements and inspiration that black music and musicians have brought to society, as that’s what proclamations do, they proclaim.

Still no word on whether or not that proclamation to recognize the back-breaking free Black labor that built the very America we live, work, and play in has reached his desk or not. You know the one that says, “Damn, they sure did a whole lot of shit. Maybe somebody should say ‘thanks.’”

But Black music. Yeah, it’s in there.

Now, whether or not anybody is actually taking the time to appreciate the contributions of black people to the American musical landscape is beyond me. I was in Best Buy, and they had a stand with about 6 CD’s in it saying, “Black Music Month. Listen, learn, and remember…brothaman word up!”

Okay, I made that last part up, but still. That’s about the extent to which I’ve seen it mentioned. So I will do my part to commemorate by listening to solely black artists all month. Now, you may be saying in hushed tones, “Panama, you dolt, you’re a young strapping black male who’s sexxiness is always questioned but never overturned, that isn’t exactly doing anything special, now is it?”

And you’d be wrong. Hell, do you know what I have on repeat right now at my job on iTunes? A group called Psapp from England (I think). My play count for yesterday for this one song? No lie…49 times. It’s a 5 minute song and I had it on repeat all day. The song? It’s called “Cosy In The Rocket”. Methinks you’ve heard it as it’s the theme song for the hit tv show that I can’t get enough of, Grey’s Anatomy.

Between that group, The Doobie Brothers, and the fact that I just can’t quite listening to Led Zeppelin right now, I haven’t really listened to Black artists doing Black music. Though the argument can still be made that I’m listening to Black music.

Anyway.

There is one Black artist I have been listening to lately because I decided to revisit his album. And upon revisistation of said album for which I revisited, a bunch of questions came up as is prone to happen once you decide to revisit.

The album? Jay-Z’s The Blueprint.

Let me quickly say this: I’m a Reasonable Doubt kind of guy. I like the Blueprint alright, but I don’t love it like other folks do. Never have. Everybody calls it a classic album, so I go with the crowd on that one, but I’ll take Reasonable Doubt over The Blueprint any day of the week.

But I decided to pop it in anyway and listen to it. I had just watched Fade to Black on HBO so I was in a Jay mood. And for the first time, I listened intently, but also with a comedic lense because there’s just gobs of humor floating through this album. At least to me anyway. Allow me to share in question form. I’ll put the song names up front so you know what songs inspired said questions.

1. The Ruler’s Back

So I was listening to this song, then I heard this line that I used to love, but now it got me to thinking:

“…fuckin’ with me, you gotta drop A-Mil/cuz if you gonna cop something you gotta cop for real…”

Well that just makes me laugh, but it also makes me wonder.

If you’re Amil, just how much does that hurt your feelings? Clearly, you were a weak link, which is difficult to do when Memphis Bleek is in the picture, but yet you managed to do the unthinkable…be less marketable than Bleek. Or the Young Gunz. Or State Property. Well you get the point…she no sell.

So I just have to wonder from Amil’s standpoint, when she heard that line, and her family heard that line, and her friends heard that line…for how long did she just not talk to anybody? I’m sure to some degree she was just like, “fuck that nigga, fuck all them niggas” and I’m sure she’s doing fine as a spokeswoman for zoo’s everywhere, but I’m sure it hurt.

Fuck it, I just have to do this. Is it me, or was Amil not one of the most unattractive women, like ever. On her album cover…hhh…hold on…

*going to get album cover for Amil’s quintuple wood album, All Money Is Legal*

Now really, which one is the lion? She looks like the ghost of Christmas never. She makes me shudder.

*shudder*

2. Takeover

Ahh, one of my favorite tracks on the album. I have a confession to make.

Forgive me Father for I have hip-hop sinned.

I never thought “Ether” was THAT damn great a diss track. In fact, I think Jay’s verse on “Takeover” was way better than the whole damn “Ether” song. Hell, Jay got him in one verse. One fuckin’ verse. Niggs remember what Jay said in that shit. I can’t recall but a few superficial jabs from “Ether”. And it was true. I mean it was good to see Nas back in championship form and shit, but it just didn’t do it for me.

Anyway, my question isn’t about Nas, because we all know how that one played out. Now the babymommafucker and the babydaddy are working together. My question is more for the Mobb Deep disses. So, without question, niggas in Queensbridge listen to Jay. The same niggas that kick it with Hav and specifically Twinkle-Toes Prodigy currently AKA 50’s Fuck Buddy.

So do you think that the niggas in QB ever told the Mobb that Jay kind of fucked them up on that song? If Prodigy is your boy, do you just pretend that you never heard it? Is there some kind of unspoken QB rule where nobody talks about “Takeover”? And Prodigy tried to come back with the hot beat but wacktastic verse on the song “Crawlin’”. And no, you probably haven’t heard it. I just have to wonder about that. Jay fucked them niggas ROYALLY on that verse. No kiss. No vaseline. No money on the night stand.

I just wonder what everybody else was saying to them around that time.

6. U Don’t Know

This song has caused numerous Kanye vs. Just Blaze arguments amongst my friends. Anytime somebody says, who’s better, it always comes back to…well Blaze produced “U Don’t Know”. Usually ends the debate. Except that was in like 2002. Now Kanye is clearly the king, but back then. Blaze was on his monkey.

My question? Isn’t that damn song ridiculously fuckin’ hot…still?

That is all.

10. Song Cry

Umm…I’ve never liked this. It reeks of “depth”. However women loved it so fuck it.

Umm, I have no question. I just think it’s quite ungood. And I wanted to share.

Now…

11. All I Need

…on the other hand. Is fuckin’ amazing. This beat alone is bananas.

I just wanted to share again.

I’m entitled.

I’m me and you’re not.

12. Renegade

Now this song here…this spawned a huge question for me. Eminem produced this and raps alongside Jay. But it’s for Jay’s album. Which means that Jay had as much time as he wanted to record his verses and make sure they were top notch.

My question? Do you think that Jay just kind of conceded the fact that there was no chance in Hell of him crafting verses as hot as Eminem’s verses on this song? Eminem’s verses on this shit rival his verse on the “Dead Wrong (Remix)” which is about jack shit but is so fuckin’ good it’s scary.

I’ll bet Jay heard Em’s verses and made the gas face like, “fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck…how the fuck can I compete with that??”

And it isn’t like Jay’s verses aren’t good, they are. But Em’s verses are just…Eminemish. He brought his A+ game on that shit, probably cuz it was for Jay. In the back of my mind, I kind of wonder if that’s why Nas didn’t let Em do a verse on “The Cross”, which Eminem produced on God’s Son.

And by the way, “The Cross”…garbage. But after saying to Jay on “Ether”: “…and Eminem murdered you on your own shit…” I suppose you can’t really run the risk of having the same thing happen to you on your own album, now can you?

Well, those are the big three questions I had. This is my contribution to celebrating Black Music Month. I’d like some answers to those questions please, if you have any. They are kind of rhetorical, but you know, those are real questions that have real answers.

Good night and good luck.

“…niggas say bitches is trife, bitches say niggas is/we just don’t understand our fundamental differences…” - Talib Kweli, “Love Language”, Train of Thought (Reflection Eternal album)

“…Com, I make righteous bitches get low…” - Common, “They Say”, Be

You know you’re getting old when the first thought you have when you hear lines like that is this:

Was saying “bitch” really necessary??

And not to say that I only care when “conscious” rappers say it, I pretty much think its unnecessary most times. And I also know that in the flow of the songs it fit for spacing and timing reasons (try writing a verse to a beat and this becomes a major issue), but still…

Ah, the quandries of over 25 but not quite 30.

What’s next…will I start questioning rappers (and myself) saying “nigga”??

I’ve been thinking about doing a running segment ’round here for a while on released singles in the music industry that strike me as odd or just have some kind of impact on me, be it good or bad. So I think I’ll start it out today.

Being as I just decided no more than 5 minutes ago that I was going to do this, I don’t have audio for the songs I’m talking about. If I’m able to come up with some, or if somebody can provide it thru links and such in the comments, that would be greatly appreciated.

So let us begin.

***Audio has been added.***

*******

R. Kelly - “Gorilla” (click on the link then scroll down and its the 15th song down…got to love my thoroughness. Once you click on the link, you will be taken away from this site.)

You know, I hate to admit this publicly, but I think I have to. R. Kelly won people. He won. And do you know how he won? I’ll tell you how he won.

The Piss R-uh has managed to continuously make music that will keep people moving in the club DESPITE the fact that a good 80 percent of the people I know swear that they hate his guts. I think that if black people created a political party, call it The Black Party, and R. Kelly were to offer himself up as a nominee, ignant niggas everywhere would come out, vote, and make him our presidential candidate: Aaliyah, pissin’ on 14 year old girls, the Jay-Z incident, the Trapped In The Closet series, the kiddie porn collection notwithstanding.

For those not in the know, notwithstanding is similar to saying “despite” or “in spite of” but it looks way better at the end of sentences than despite does. Despite would have been much better to put at the beginning of the list. At my job I do a lot of legal analysis. Dat very boring. The term notwithstanding has bothered me for years because I just can’t understand why anybody would use that when you can say “despite” or “in spite of”. Legal mumbo jumbo is the Brad Pitts.

I promise I’ll get back to the song in a second. Speaking of Brad Pitt, I saw Alexander last night for the first time (Angelina Jolie is in it, hence the connection to Brad Pitt; keep up graduate). I’ve seen some truly horrible movies in my lifetime, but that movie might have taken its rightful place at #2…right behind the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my life, Nurse Betty, and totally debo’n the previous #2 movie, Caveman’s Valentine. Fuckin’ horrible. And really, there was way too much man-on-man action going on in the movie. I understand authenticity for authenticity’s sake, but damn.

Moving on…

This song is catchy, like syphillis. That means its catchy in a bad way. Not catchy like a Love Jones which would be a good way. And that presents one major problem for black America. You see the song is called “Gorilla”. In said song entitled “Gorilla”, R. Kelly has a call and response part where he conjures up sounds of the gorilla, for which said tune is entitled “Gorilla”. What does that mean in the grand scheme of things you ask?

R. Kelly will have black people sounding like fuckin’ monkeys in the club.

Please re-read that statement.

I almost think this is some kind of getback to the black folks who turned their back on him, which wouldn’t be BET, the Congressional Black Caucus, or any other “important” black organization in this country.

R. Kelly (in his mind…and he’d have to think it since igmo can’t read that well and probably can’t write that well either): Since they turned on me, I’m gonna turn them into monkeys over a melodious track that they can’t help but move too. I shall call it “Gorilla” and to further denigrate them, I will make them listen to a rap verse by a member of The Laffy Taffy niggas AKA D4L. AND THEY WILL LIKE IT. *DEVILISH LAUGH AND GUFFAWAGE*

It is a sad day in Black America, when the man who pisses on little women ALSO makes us into monkeys at his whim.

His musical genius notwithstanding.

White America has won this battle (and war and contest and…well you get the point).

White America: 1 (more like infinity). Black People: 0

When you niggas wonder why white People start throwing bananas at us on busy streets in major cities, blame R. Kelly. Because you KNOW this shit will have a video…on MTV.

NEXT SONG:

Heather Headley - “In My Mind” (