It’s no secret that race relations in this nation are nowhere near perfect. There are still various semblances of Jim Crow era law enforcement present as evidenced by the Jena 6 cases and the few and far between indictments of police officers killing Black men left and right.

Not to mention the still very real imbalances across the board in terms of just sheer equality. Without a real leader to help push the envelope, I fear that these systemic problems will linger forever. Ambulance-chaser Jesse Jackson and A Pimp Named Straighback (Al) just don’t resonate with the people. For one, they might be less proactive than the KKK in actually starting the conversations geared towards racial balance. Best believe though, if a nigga stubs his toe and a white man’s around???

They got your back.

For two, it’s just really hard to take a motherfucker serious when he has a perm. Sure, we should look past the surface and see what’s on the inside, but hell, you can’t see what’s on the inside because we’re too damn distracted by his follicle folly. You wouldn’t trust Snoop to lead the racial revolution in this nation but at least he has entertainment to fall back on as his reason -do-perm.

Al…not so much. And Al, James Brown is dead. You can get a haircut now.

Seriously, does your pastor have a perm? I remember driving thru southwest Atlanta a few months ago and seeing a billboard of a pastor with a perm. At that point, I realized I could never go to his church. If you ever want me to listen to you, don’t get a perm if you got a set of balls.

Anyway, this morning, it came to me like a song I wrote. I realized the one person who could lead our nation out of the shrouded shadowy past of which we cannot transcend; the individual who could exact such reason and common sense on the masses that we couldn’t help but to listen. He doesn’t have a perm (though he might have had one at on point). Black and white people love him.

I’m speaking of…

…Justin Timberlake (with an assist from Timbaland).

Okay, I see you all looking at me like I’m crazy. But follow me.

Who doesn’t like Justin Timberlake? I mean really. He managed to not only successfully move on past being in a fruity-cum-fruity boy band (albeit the most successful one) but he did so AND gained a gazillion Black fans in the process.

He’s also banging Jessica Biel which gets him so many points. She’s hot.

Justin has worked with Beyonce (which totally elevated the song “Until The End of Time” to magnanimous heights), Three 6 Mafia, the Clipse, 50 Cent and has slept with Cameron Diaz, Britney Spears, Jessica Biel, and numerous other white chicks.

Do you see what this means? It means that even the most gangsta of knuccas will listen to him and all the white girls will too. That’s who we need in order to bring about racial harmony. Kumbaya isn’t but a dream anymore kiddies. It’s a possibility.

Even Black women love him, though they all think he’s gay. But hell, that helps too. Anybody that will listen. And despite the fallout from Nipplegate, he totally got to touch Janet Jackson’s nipple.

How many people can say they got to do that?

Aside from El Debarge and JD probably not that many people. Granted, I don’t exactly want to touch it now as it’s aged quite a bit, but it’s still Janet Jackson’s ta-ta. That speaks to something.

Justin Timberlake makes songs for all people. He speaks for everybody and makes sure to provide us with what we need in the process. He brought sexy back despite me never letting it go in the first place, but he did it with flair so I gave him a pass. And be real, most of us thought “Sexyback” was an asstastic mess when it dropped, but still, we loved it because it was Justin.

If Justin can bring all the white girls to the table, the white men will follow eventually. Where there’s pussy, there is desire for pussy. The gangsta dudes will make all the wannabe gangsta knuccas (namely the rest of us) want to come to the table of equity. Justin could then broker a deal that would result in racial harmony for one…for all.

If JT keeps singing his little heart away and Timbaland continues to guide his heart with help from Danja Handz, then nothing but good can come for mankind.

If Justin decided tomorrow that he wanted racial harmony, then by George, it would be. That’s the power of the curly haired chap from Memphis. He reaches us all.

Let us all reach back.

Seriously, I don’t understand her appeal.

For years now, Alicia Keys has been a media darling and musical phenom, ad nauseum. Anytime she releases an album, pundits and fans alike adore and browbeat one another for the chance to praise and adorn her with accolades aplenty.

In short, everbody loves Alicia Keys and I honestly have no clue why. I’ve tried to get it. Can she sing? Well sure…she has an alright voice though I wouldn’t exactly place her anywhere near the upper echelon of singers. Face it. Mariah Carey she ain’t.

She plays the piano but whoopty-damn do. For the large part her albums don’t rely much on her piano abilities. Most of her songs are hip-hop influenced if anything with replayed or interpolated samples. Sure they have some piano influence in them…

…but so do a lot of my own beats and I can’t play the piano for shit.

Though I totally murder Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.

I. Just. Kill. That.

Alicia Keys get acting roles and to be honest, her role in Smoking Aces was the first time I’d ever found myself mentioning how attractive she is. Granted, I’d never kick her out of the bed under any circumstances but that makes her no more hot than anybody else.

Though, have you seen her on the cover of Complex magazine…watered down? Good googly moogly. I have said before and will repeat again that wet women look so much hotter than dry women. If you are a marginally attractive chick who rates like a 6 on the Dude Scale, go run under some sprinklers and always walk around like looking like you live under a rain cloud. You’re going to rate at least at a 7 at that point. And you can date 7’s.

Sixes? You just schlump them.

Back to the lecture at hand. Alicia Keys is light and brite so perhaps thats part of her draw as we all know racially ambiguous chilidren are much easier to market than children of the sun. But overall, I honestly don’t get it.

I have all of her albums and none of them was any better than most albums on the market. Songs In A Minor was alright, but I can only think of maybe 3 songs that I liked including the single, “Fallin’”. I liked “Butterfly” but I can’t even remember the name of the other joint I liked.

Diary was, eh…alright I guess. The only songs I liked were the single “You Don’t Know My Name” (which was largely piano influenced but was also a sampled piano by Kanye West) and “The Diary”. I can’t honestly even remember what the rest of the album sounds like.

So she’s not a first rate singer, doesn’t have albums that will be remembered 20 years from now, and is attractive but not in a “I want to sex you down on sight” kind of way. She’s like an upgraded version of Brandy except Brandy had some actual good entire albums (like Full Moon). She’s clearly a better songwriter than Beyonce, but hell, who isn’t?

Difference is that Beyonce’s popularity I can understand. She’s an ultimate performer. And she makes intentionall catchy pop music to appeal to the masses without any shade of personality. That’s how you bring folks in. However, Alicia Keys songs are apparently full of “integrity” or something. I don’t know.

Perhaps I’m a hater. However, I don’t care. She’s no more talented than anybody else and her albums are no better than anybody else…

…so why does everybody love them some damn Alicia Keys?

And “No One” is not a good song. You can disagree, but you will be wrong.

I was reading an article on vh1 a few weeks back regarding T.I. and his whole army-guns problem and in this article Wyclef Jean made a statement akin to this:

“The way people listen and respond to T.I. when he talks is like Malcolm X…”

Yeah. Okay.

I’d like to call on a moratorium in the Black community on anybody saying that anybody is like Malcolm X. Funny how nobody ever claims somebody is like Martin. The only person to do that said that he, himself, was like Martin. And that was Benzino.

Yeah, that Benzino.

But you know what? I’m bored. What the hell, let’s run with T.I. being like Malcolm. Let’s see if we can figure out ways they are a alike, k?

Let’s see. Ah, Malcolm X went to jail. So did T.I. Malcolm X became an orator and person of immense influence and respect. Well, T.I. has kind of got that. I mean he ain’t speaking nothing that’s going to get him on the government radar…

…unless you count the taped conversations being used against him in his whole “I’ve got guns to take out North Korea” small problem.

Oh…both of them managed to wake up in the morning. Well, until Malcolms untimely death in 1965. Yeah, I’m kind of reaching with that one but then again so was Wyclef by even making any kind of reference to Malcolm X in regards to T.I. Look, T.I. doesn’t move mountains or make me want to do anything more than listen to his music. Even after his last ass-sandwich of an album, I’ll still listen. Though at this point I’m not sure why.

Of course, by the time T.I. gets out of jail, he’ll be too old to matter anymore. Though Jay has managed to still be relevant despite being 37 years of age.

LL Cool J? Not so much. Even his high-heeled fans don’t care about him anymore.

In my humble opinion, the last real rapper of any significance to mirror Malcolm was Ice Cube. And that shit went clean out the window by the time Lethal Injection came around. AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted and Death Certificate Cube? Hell yeah. Even I was afraid of Ice Cube back then. He really seemed like the angriest nigga alive and more dangerously, the most awake nigga alive too. Shit, I wanted to be Ice Cube like so many folks want to be Malcolm X.

Except nobody is Malcolm. ESPECIALLY not no dumb nigga like T.I. And yes, hoarding guns is DUMB when there’s a chance you can go to jail for it. Further, why the fuck do you have military assault weaponry? I mean, being an ATLien, and similarly a Westsider, I understand how folks get down on our side of town. But damn, a .45 will do just as well. Got damn Calicos and rocket launchers are just unnecessary.

I mean really. Where the hell do you put shit like that anyway? Hammer pants are out of style so you can’t hid the Calico in those. Maybe some gauchos. Yeah, I can see that.

These loose ass analogies we make to legends in the Black community are just terrible. Further, they’re like one man deep. When was the last time you heard a nigga get referenced to W.E.B. Du Bois? Shit, when was the last time you met somebody who didn’t go to college who knew who he was? Or A. Phillip Randolph.

Niggas know Project Pat though. Damn shame, too. Though I don’t like reading The Souls of Black Folks either. Makes for a hell of an album title though, dontchathink?

As you can tell, I really had no purpose other than to say: Wyclef must have lost his rabid ass mind thinking that motherfucking T.I. even compares to Malcolm X aside from the fact that both of them niggas are ya know, Black.

And also, sadatay.

Thank you and good night.

And I’m not talking about his debut album’s sales totals either. Besides that was like 2006 or some shit.

As of now, most people are aware of Lupe Fiasco’s flub at the vh1 Hip Hop Honors tribute to A Tribe Called Quest (ATCQ) on Monday night. He fucked up the words to “Electric Relaxation”, one of Tribe’s landmark and most famous songs. The song comes from Tribe’s album Midnight Marauders, which is one of my favorite hip-hop albums ever. I wrote about it a long time ago but I’m too lazy to link to the post. Sue me.

(Incidentally Lupe plans on suing Vibe magazine for defamation of character for their flub of semi-fanning the flames by using a little bit of time-line trickery by printing an interview with Lupe done before the Hip-Honors show that seems way fucked up when read AFTER the Hip-Hop Honors show.)

Courtesy of vh1, here’s a link to the all of the events that have occured under Fiascogate. (Click the link)

My opinion on this whole affair is kind of two fold. Lupe fucked up some lines to a rap song, big fucking deal. I think the part that’s fucked up is his approach to discussing why he fucked up. For one, he probably shouldn’t have engaged anybody in this debate but he did and came off like a dick. Luckily, I wasn’t a fan of his anyway but whereas his previous lack of interest in ATCQ and their catalog was kind of a non-starter his now stubborn stance on his intention to never listen to it in its entirety or even care that it is a landmark album is kind off-putting. Phonte from Little Brother (whose response I largely agree with) got one thing right; Lupe is definitely benefitting from being placed in the same vein as folks like ATCQ.

Interestingly enough, I wouldn’t put him there myself. Sure, he’s a “positive” rapper–a term I loathe, by the way–but I’ve never felt he was Tribe-esque. He was just not 50 Cent or Young Jeezy in the way that ATCQ and De La Soul and the whole Native Tongues weren’t NWA or Spice 1 or Ice T or King Tee for that matter. Granted, on The Low End Theory, Tribe did take on some social commentary and subject matter, but on Midnight Marauders, not so much. So it’s kind of a what-you-are-because-of-what-you’re-not kind of deal in my mind.

But Lupe’s become the guy-du-jour. For fuck’s sake, he was one of GQ’s men of the year or some shit, and for no good reason mind you. His album (executive produced by Jay-Z) was alright but it didn’t change anything. More people were talking about Lupe because of his deviation than for his artistry. Which is more a sad testament to us than it is to the greatness that is Lupe. He’s so different and he wears colorful clothes and tight-pants and likes cartoons. He’s a hip-hop nerd. Truthfully, if Pharrell hadn’t saddled up to him so that they could be hip-hop nerds together, my guess is that there’d be some uber-gay pocket-protector Trapper Keeper beatdowns between them (musically of course) with Kanye officiating in a pink Polo and Cole Haan loafers.

And at least Pharrell doesn’t claim to be a skateboarder like Lupe does…and he isn’t.

One of Lupe’s defenses during this whole “scandal” (if we must put a term on it) is that he didn’t grow up on ATCQ but on Spice 1, NWA, and Eightball and MJG. Hmm, me too. NWA is my favorite group of all time and similarly, De La Soul’s album, de la soul is dead is my favorite album of all time. But I listened to all that same shit Lupe was listening to so I have to wonder how the fuck he glossed over Tribe. Granted, I wasn’t the biggest Tribe fan until later. But when I did start paying attention I was stuck. Midnight Marauders is one of those albums I can take with me anywhere and will buy the second I think I lost it. Who cares if I find it later, I lost it then. And I have to have that album. It’s part of me.

It’s also one of the albums that makes its way everywhere and everybody knows and respects. Nobody says that it isn’t worth listening to. So why not pick it up Lupe? At this point, he ain’t listening to make a point. Which is a stupid point. In the Kay Slay interview, when Mr. Drama King himself asked him if he had listened to it or if he planned on it, Lupe responded with, “no, I haven’t listened to it yet. I’ve been busy with my album.”

That’s the second stupidest shit I might have ever heard in my life. The first?

Any of George Bush’s speeches from 2001-?

Anybody who knows about the music making process knows that you listen to all types of shit when making music. It’s called inspiration. Also, the fuckin’ album doesn’t even clock in at longer than an hour. The nigga’s from Chicago. He could pop it in while he’s sitting in traffic and finish it by the time he got to a Harold’s from O’Hare.

There’s another thing that gets lost on me in regards to this whole debacle and that hasn’t been mentioned.

He had to get lyrics to TWO songs in a tribute. “Electric Relaxation” and “Scenario”. And he didn’t have to do Busta’s part since Busta did his own part on “Scenario”. I’m a Tribe fan, but they weren’t exactly kicking physics or being overly complicated with rhyme patterns or anything. A sampling:

“by the way my name’s Malik, the 5 foot freak//let’s say we get together by the end of th week” ~ Phife Dawg, “Electric Relaxation”

Hell, you can take two hours and memorize a good four songs on that album since the verses ain’t exactly difficult. Do niggas mess up lyrics? Sure, I was at an Outkast show in Atlanta where Andre 3000 fucked up his own verse. Hell did you see Kanye fuck up his verse on “Everything I Am” on Saturday Night Live? It happens.

However, all he had to do was memorize a damn verse and spend time reciting it for a TRIBUTE. All he had to do was focus on that shit because it’s a tribute. ONE verse. Kanye fucking up is kind of endearing. Hell, he’s human and he shows us all the time through his arrogance, pride, and passion. But this was a tribute show to ATCQ. The least you could do was not fuck that up. In fact, the only difficult part of “Electric Relaxation” is the damn part in the hook where the voiceover says “Relax Yourself and some shit that even 15+ years later I have no clue what’s being said”.

Lupe fucked up. He shouldn’t have and he could have nailed it but he didn’t. However, his uberfucking studity in the way he’s handled it is what made it a problem.

“I’m not backpack rap,” says Lupe. Okay, nigga. Whether you are or not, ATCQ and specifically Midnight Maruaders is just one of those groups that everybody who’s really into the art behind hip-hop know. How can you not? It’s arrogant to so adamantly deny yourself an album because “that ain’t you”.

Who cares what you grew up on? Who says you can’t expand your horizons? Most of us interested in music do at some point. Tribe isn’t obscure and they had 3 platinum albums in pre-Master P/Puffy dominated rap world. And how the fuck are you going to be so big-up in respecting Tip and his musical legacy if you don’t actually know what the fuck it is that everybody seems to respect so much?

In short, Lupe’s an idiot.

Thank you and goodnight.

PS - Who in the Blue Fuck thought Missy deserved to be honored?

One of my favorite lines ever uttered in rap music is:

“…and even after all my logic and my theory, I add a motherfucker so you ignant niggas hear me…” ~Lauryn Hill

I love that line. Strangely, it’s the concise, succint written explanation of how I like to live my life. I didn’t realize it at the time that album was released that my life was going to follow that ideology but lo and behold, that’s it.

And the album?

The Fugees The Score of course, which was released in February of 1996 and some 18 million albums sold later cemented Wyclef Jean, Lauryn “L-Boogie” Hill, and to a much much much lesser extent Pras Michel as musical, not just hip-hop, heavyweights. Then in 1998, Lauryn Hill released the critically lauded, Grammy winning, women-loving album of the decade, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. I’ll admit to not loving it as much as everybody else does but it is without a doubt a great damn album.

Lauryn Hill was on top of the world. Hell, she was the world. She was woman. She roared. Probably even growled too.

Grr.

I can’t think of a man alive who didn’t want to jump her bones. Quite honestly, in my mind, at that point in time (circa 1997-1999), Lauryn Hill was the epitome of woman. I wanted a woman like Lauryn Hill. I remember meeting her at North Dekalb Mall in Atlanta while she was signing copies of Miseducation… If ever there was a picture of beauty, it was her at that moment.

Apparently Rohan Marley saw the same thing every other man saw because he snatched her up like a thief in the night. And I’m not completely mad about it. He’s a Marley. He’s got lineage. I’ve got lint. The battle in my mind for Lauryn didn’t actually exist in the real world.

Then WHAM!

The world according to Lauryn went Black. She started pushing out kids and making controversial comments (to the Pope no less) and became sort of a recluse. She released a confusing few sets of music that introduced us to an insecure and distraught woman. It’s even rumored that over time she required people to call her Ms. Hill in her presence to include motherfucking Wyclef and Pras. If that’s true, she needs the holy shit Batman slapped out of her.

Lauryn Hill was the top and then she fell off. Hard. And this begs the question to me. As far as the most tragic falls from grace and the hearts of men have gone, Lauryn Hill might ace numero uno. And its especially tragic because Lauryn didn’t have a ceiling. Lauryn Hill could have turned into Madonna. Shit…and it almost pains me to say this, but Beyonce is what Lauryn Hill was going to be, except you know, the version of Beyonce that’s secretly a scholar quoting Nietsche and showing up to interviews with a personality.

[***SIDENOTE: I think I just realized something. I think that Erykah Badu is the mid-point between Beyonce and Lauryn Hill. Think about it (deep right?). Erykah Badu can be just as ghetto as anybody else but she's also dropping pure gems on that ass. She's an entertainer to the highest degree who straddles the line between the deep crowd and the chicks who have gold teeth with their babby-daddy's name on each toof. Hell, Erykah has gold fronts. I heart her. I can't completely divulge it right now, but just know that I'm making possibly one of the biggest sacrifices of my life in a few weeks and Erykah Badu comes heavily into play. I've considered suicide. ***]

She went from being the quintessential woman to being a confused mother of four with baby daddy issues like you ain’t neva seend. And dammit she just kept having kids. Think about people who have fallen off in the world of urban music. Hmm…seems I have to remove the talent part here because there haven’t been too many artists with as much talent as she has.

The only person I can really think of is…gulp…

MC Hammer.

Do you realize that nigga was doing infomercials about credit repair? CREDIT REPAIR?! If you can’t see the irony and comedy in that then you’re probably dead. And if you’re not…

…go kill yourself.

Lauryn’s talent level and ability was recognized by everybody. All races. Everybody loved her and then she lost it. Perhaps its the pressure of success or the pressures of talent. Maybe she just lost favor with the music industry as a whole. I can relate. I mean, I’ve shelved my own album for years now and I know the streets are waiting.

Ahem.

It’s funny though. Lauryn Hill is still a name that people love and respect. I think more people got worried about her as a person which is a testament to how many lives she’s touched.

You know, D’Angelo would be giving her a run for her money right now except he released Voodoo. But shit, niggas have been waiting for a new D’Angelo album for years. Though he has a few court appearances, drug cases, and car insurance apps to fill out so we could be waiting for a while.

At least other artists from days of yore had the gall to just die to preserve the legacy. And be clear, I don’t want Lauryn Hill to pass…

…I’d just like somebody to slap the shit out of the motherfucker who miseducated her ass. But for now, I still have the Fugees album and I still have the Miseducation and I still have my favorite line that helped to define my existence on this planet.

Motherfucker.

[***By the way, for my DC people, get your ass out to LIV Nightclub tonight (2001 11th Street, NW-corner of 11th and U Streets, NW-for the Stock13 Christmas party and coat/blanket drive. Come party with the Mr. Oh So Sexxy (that's me) from 10pm-2am. RSVP on the site BEFORE 5PM for free admission before 11pm. Free Moet until we run out. Yeah, I said FREE. It's a Christmas party. I'm rocking a Santa hat and a bandana...how gangsta is that? ***]

Young Jeezy, whose sophomore album The Inspiration: Thug Motivation 102 was released on last Tuesday, sold 352,000 units according to Soundscan.

I’m sorry, I think everybody needs a moment to digest what just happened here.

Nas would say, “Can I please have a moment of silence…for hip-hop?”

I say, fuckin’ wow. Hell, he doesn’t even have a #1 song out right now, as his single, “I Luv It” is just in the top 30 on the popular and r&b/rap charts.

And his single actually isn’t any good. So do you realize what this means? For life, the future, and the kids???

It means that people actually LIKE Young Jeezy. It also means that nobody gives a shit that he sucks as a rapper–people actually LIKE him as a person. That is the only way a nigga with a lackluster ass single that can’t rap manages to outsell everybody. And get it right (two step and let your shoulder lean)…352K in today’s climate is doing big shit.

The biggest rap openings to date this year are Jay-Z (680K), T.I. (521K), and the Game (358K). Those rappers are all “superstar” rappers. Hell, Young Jeezy only sold like 170K on his first album.

He doubled up on that ass. In fact, he did that Heizman on dat ho on everybody that thought he wasn’t about to do big numbers.

Stop.

Have you heard the magnanimous ass sandwich that is my new favorite song by Da Heizman Boiz? It’s called, “Do Dat Heizman On Dat Ho”. Please, go visit their MySpace page…trust me it’s well worth it. I’m just itching for the chance to do dat heizman on some ho that’s trippin.

Shawty fine, breath stank? Do dat heizman on dat ho!!!! Breath stank, no bank? Do dat heizman on dat ho!!!!

And guess what? These niggas are college students. Like real ones. At my mother’s alma mater, Albany State University, to boot. Yes, I will be dining out on that one for months. Stange enough, there’s a serious push lately for college students to make headways in the Southern rap industry. I suppose all the dumb niggas that want to rap have already released albums. For instance, the artist responsible for what may be my second favorite single of the year, behind only T.I.’s “What You Know”, went to Tuskegee University and was an engineering student who dropped out to work on music.

The artist? Rich Boy of “Throw Some D’s” fame.

And yes, I’ve been throwing D’s on bitches (just bought a Cadillac) for the past few month.

Speaking of further ignorance, and since I’ve already tangentialized my tangent, the Saturday Night Live Skit with Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake, “Dick In A Box” might be the funniest shit I’ve seen in years. Literally. As in, for real for real.

One, cut a whole in that box. Two, put your junk in that boooooox. Three, make her open that box. That’s the way you do it!

It’s my dick in a box!

(You’d better watch it quick because NBC is doing dat heizman on dem hoes that posted this shit without their permission!)

Greatness isn’t accidental, it’s premeditated. And whoever wrote “Dick In A Box” is a great great man. My idol, inspiration, and hero. That’s the kind of ignorance I want to be responsible for when it’s all said and done.

Between “Do Dat Heizman On Dat Ho” and “Dick In A Box” (and I’m not sure which song I like more) and Young Jeezy selling like hotcakes, in the world of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises, ignorance is having the best. week. ever.

What was my original point? Oh yes, that Young Jeezy managed to do the unthinkable-completely market himself and finagle that into first week record sales success, which in the world of commercial hip-hop, is of utmost importance.

And oh yes, Jeezy is also responsible for what may be my favorite absofuckinlutely stupid line of the year, “my money’s so sick, I think I need to see a doctor” from the T.I. “Top Back” remix featuring Young Dro, B.G., Young Jeezy, and one of the Pimp Squad Clique rappers.

Classic stupid shit indeed.

This post got real random real quick. So let’s continue, shall we?

Because of Nas’ damn Hip-Hop Is Dead album, I’ve found myself defending the Ying Yang Twins a lot more lately. Go figure. I honestly think that “Wait (The Whisper Song)” was one of the most innovative songs to come out in like a decade and I don’t think people respect what they managed to pull off. And since I’m already insulting a lot of you reading motherfuckers, I’d like to add that Hip Hop Is Dead is not only a lie, it’s not a very good album either.

Yeah, I said it. The only reason I haven’t done a review of it yet is because that would require me to listen to it again. Not. Gonna. Happen. I’d rather listen to Blak Jak (I’m lying). Who’s Blak Jak? The artist responsible for that new hot shit, “Bobbin’ My Head”.

Dumb song, but I like it. It knocks. Like opportunity, bitch. Like opportunity.

And as a bonus for you all since you care, Fantasia sold 133K units and Tyrese sold 116K.

Hmm, let me put this entire Young Jeezy thing into perspective for you, mmkay?

Ciara, owner of what maybe the hottest single in the country (though it had to grow on me) and video (which I actually HATED at first), only sold about 320K her first week. And she’s selling to teenage girls who eat that type of shit up.

Young Jeezy outsold Ciara with a less good (you niggas bought Jeezy’s album so I can use whatever type of grammar I want from here on out) single and a less ubiquitous video.

And we all know that R&B money goes way further than rap money. Sure, 50 Cent owns an East-coast crib the size of a small hotel, but Babyface looks like he owns a state. And he hasn’t had a hit since Tupac died.

As you can see, I’m amazed at how many people actually just like Jeezy considering his lack of real talent. Apparently he’s figured out how to be a star. I can’t hate at all. In fact, all I can say is…

…I luv it.

That Lauryn Hill, what a prophet.

Today’s post is being brought to you by the good people of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises and the letter W.

Followed by the letter T. And not so far behind, the letter F.

Put it together class and what do you get?? WTF.

As in the what the fuck was Fantasia thinking when she wrote some of the shit that is on her newest album, the self-titled Fantasia?

Despite that question, I find myself feeling warmed by her album.

Do you know why I appreciate artists like Fantasia (and similarly people like Jagged Edge or Mary J. Blige, during the Great Crackskapades of the early to mid 90s)? I love them because they do not run away from their inner-ghetto. You see, so many of us el Negroes try to hide from the fact that we do indeed possess ghetto bones.

I have some. Do you? It’s okay. In fact, anybody with ghetto bones, please, with a show of hands…show yourself!

*hands a-waving*

Ahh…the smell of truth.

Being the ghetto queen that Fantasia apparently is (down to the inordinate education), she has decided that she was going to make an album for her people. What people would that be? The same people who actually found her song “B.A.B.Y.M.A.M.A.” to be a rallying cry and an endearing, honorable tribute to the single, un-wed mother.

Not that there is anything wrong with being a single, un-wed mother. Then again, there is a hell of a difference between being a babymama and a single mother. Color me ignorant, but it seems that Fantasia made it okay (once again, to her fans) to aspire to be a baby mama whereas a single mother would usually rather not be in that situation. But once again, color me ignorant.

And then color me bad. Ohhh…beeeeeeeehave.

On her newest magnum opus, Fantasia has a song entitled “Uneligible”.

I’d like to take a quick smokebreak, so please re-read that last sentence as many times as you need.

*smokebreak*

If you’re anything like me, you probably looked at that word a few times before calmly asking yourself, “is that a word?”

Then, I briskly walked to my dictionary to check. Nope…in fact, I’m about to go look at my office dictionary right now.

Hold, please.

*holding*

Nope, not in my office dictionary. It goes from unedited to unemotional. But you know what I did find?

Ineligible.

A one letter variance, but a signficant one nonetheless. Which begs the question…two questions actually: why not just use the word ineligible?; and why doesn’t she have any friends who tell her better?

Oh, she answers that on the album’s last song, “Bump What Ya Friends Say”.

Well, okay then.

You’ve really got to love songs like that don’t you? The song “Uneligible” is about the good men who all seem to be “uneligible.” Ooh, ooh, I have a question!!!

Since she refers to her men as uneligible, does that actually make them uneligible? Perhaps there is some subtle distinction between ineligible and uneligible…perhaps her men just ain’t available (hence, uneligible) whereas ineligible men are just not qualified!!!

Perhaps Fantasia is the smart one. She’s done gone and created a new word, probably by accident since I don’t actually respect her mind. Sad, I know.

But until she can read one of my posts I stand by my statement.

Ouch.

What I do appreciate about her new album is that she really holds nothing back. For instance, here are some of the song titles: “I Nominate U” (c’mon, don’t we all really want to be nominated for something??), “Baby Makin’ Hips” (you laugh, but I love me a woman with baby makin’ hips), “Two Weeks Notice” (not sure how this really applies to her people since most of them are probably fans of being babymamas and probably work at places that a two week notice probably ain’t all that necessary, let alone a two minute notice).

Ouch again.

I’m mean.

Then there’s that guaranteed hot shit, “Bore Me (Yawn)”. I actually have to give Fantasia a lot of credit here. People often give you song titles, but when was the last time people gave you the intransitive verb to go with their song title?

Did Babyface? How much better is this song title: “Every Time I Close My Eyes (Blink)”?

Or “There She Goes (Point)”?

Clearly, he’s not as forward thinking as Fantasia.

And the entire album makes sense because her first single is “Hood Boy”, a sort of double entendre since clearly she needs a hood boy, and it’s also apparently who she mad the album for, the “hood, boy”.

Deep. Perhaps I do respect her mind. A broke clock may be right only twice a day, but when it’s right, it’s right.

Mind you, a lot of this stuff is actually pretty good, music-wise, and she can sing despite the fact that I pretty much don’t like her voice at all. What’s really funny is that for every person I’ve mentioned that she has as song called “Uneligible”, every body thinks its okay because Fantasia apparently isn’t the scholar we all pray for.

And she can’t read, though I’m inclined to believe that she’s probably made headway in that deparment since her admission. Which if I’m not mistaken was during the “writing” of her book. Dictaphone never had it so good!

All in all, I appreciate Fantasia for what she brings to the table. Unapologetic ignorance. She exists to make me realize that people like us do have a place in the world. For me, it’s at the table with lawmakers and hookers, for her it’s at the library, but there is a place nonetheless.

Irregardless of what we may all think, Fantasia is finna do things her way. And through her, we are all connectededed.

She is us and we are her.

Thank you Fantasia for keeping it real and damn you to Hell for causing a whole new generation of little ninjas who will undoubtedly think that the word “uneligible” is actually real and okay since it’s a song that I think women who can’t find a good man will be drawn towards.

Thank you Fantasia, for not crossing over but bringing the suburbs to the ‘hood.

I believe it was the great prophet and soothsayer, Big Daddy Kane, who uttered the now famous words:

“…stick a quarter in your ass cuz you played yourself…”

Deep.

Deep.

Those words are like a no smoking sign on your cigarette break or the free ride, when you’ve already paid. Some would say those things are ironic. Me, I say those things mean you don’t read. Usually there are signs up that let you know all the information that you need to know.

Myself and Ace of Base? We saw the signs.

Thus brings us to one Jay Jenkins, better known as Young Jeezy, your favorite trapper’s favorite trapper, from Atlanta, by way of Macon, Georgia.

Young Jeezy is an idiot. If you have any time, please listen to this interview he conducted with Monie Love on a Philadelphia radio station. It is well worth it.

Radio Interview with Young Jeezy and Monie Love [spotted via Nah Right]

In this interview, myriad things are discussed: Lil Wayne’s comments about Jay-Z, hip-hop being dead, international relations and diplomacy, global warming, Tolstoy and the novel Crime and Punishment.

Okay, only the first two things were actually discussed.

I could be showing my age here, but I’ll just attempt to show all of your ages too. How many people here know who Monie Love is?

*lots of raised hands*

Oooh, oooh, better question. Who here knows better than to get into an argument with a Black woman??

*everybody’s hand (all nationalities, races, creeds) should be raised*

Let’s discuss how you lose an argument, like an idiot.

Ever since Nas decided to name his album Hip-Hop Is Dead, the streets have been abuzz with people debating that theory. This was either a brilliant marketing ploy by Nas to get everybody talking about him or just dumb luck. Well, the Youngest of Jeezy’s gets roped into a conversation about hip hop being dead.

He disagrees. Fine. And truthfully, call me an elitist or whatever, but why anybody would debate with Jeezy about hip-hop being dead is beyond me. I mean this is the same dude who rhymes words like “John Madden” with…

…John Madden. Or my personal favorite line of his, “…speaking of pockets, mine got the mumps…”

Pure poetry right there, my friend. Pure poetry.

But Jeezy decides that this is an argument he wants because apparently he has some feelings about this whole hip-hop is dead quagmire that so many artists are facing today. You see, Jeezy, though having said he’s not a rapper but a hustler who raps, has taken this personally. Somehow, he feels like Nas has made a personal affront to him or other rappers of his ilk. Ego much? He doesn’t say it so much as its implied from his tone.

Or maybe Monie Love just got to him and he started talking reckless off the dome because he didn’t have time to think. Who knows…either way, Youngest of Jeezy’s…this is your life.

And this is how you lose an argument. Monie Love posits that the concept of hip-hop is dead since hip-hop, as it were, was more inclusive and just one area didn’t get shine (as is now with the crack-rap, drug dealer turned rapper, bling-bling, crap rap) as happens now.

Jeezy feels that hip-hop isn’t dead…its just a new day and time with a new movement. Rap is for the kids. Rap is here to sell records.

Wu-Tang is (also) for the kids.

But uh oh…Jeezy fucks it all up and starts down the wrong road by asking Monie where she’s from (which would be London). He seems to be asking as if that where she’s from would make her perspective of rap completely different.

Nevermind that this is Monie Love of Native Tongues fame. The same Monie Love who’s been rapping for years and years. In the United States. With cats from the same streets that Jeezy probably claims to respect.

Somehow, Jeezy interprets Nas saying hip-hop is dead, and Monie Love saying that hip-hop is dead as them saying that they don’t respect Jeezy’s craft. Umm…nobody said that.

Poor Jeezy, because then he goes the route that so many misguided youth go when they misunderstand or take things too personally regarding hip-hop. You see, Jeezy, in his defense of hip-hop (and his role in hip-hop) being alive goes straight for the worst two arguments in history:

1) (Nas’ first week) record sales; and

2) (Nas’) street credibility.

Two things that have jack shit to do with hip-hop on their own. Yes, in today’s day and age, we do care about record sales. Even the hip-hop heroes of yore are complaining that they’re not selling millions. Nevermind that they’re making shitty albums or that they’re selling what they’ve always sold.

But umm…the focus on record sales is KIND OF the problem. And yes I’m fully aware that hip-hop is more business than artistry at this point.

Same goes for street-credibility. Umm…who really cares. If you’re the hardest, most connected, dude in the street, but you suck as a rapper *coughJeezycough* who the fuck cares. And that doesn’t define hip-hop either. Hell, A Tribe Called Quest weren’t any street hard niggas but I’d bet that Jeezy wouldn’t go saying they weren’t hip-hop.

Plus, Nas has never been out here talking about “busting guns” as Jeezy says. Unless I missed that album.

(I didn’t.)

Thing is, this idiot is PROVING her point for her. There’s only one school of thought from most people nowadays (well the youngsters) and that’s street cred and record sales. That’s what makes you a legit rapper. And that’s exactly what Monie Love was getting at…that is not hip-hop as it was. My favorite part of the interview is whoever is in the background that says: “because THAT’S hip-hop!” sarcastically as Jeezy rattles off about Nas’ street credibility, or lack thereof.

I heart her.

And let’s clear this up. Jeezy is not a good rapper. Never was. He’s a catchy rapper. Jeezy is syphillis. Fuckin’ around long enough with the shit that’s out there (all the wack ass music out now) and you just might catch something (Jeezy). But when you finally get tested (actually start listening to the music and what he’s saying) you want a cure (ANYTHING is better than Jeezy at this point being as his new album is a 2 dollar ho).

Jeezy is a product of our times. His first album sold well because he was “different”. At this point, I have no idea what his appeal is. Between him and Rick Ross, if it wasn’t for catchy beats, they’d pretty much be obsolete ass negroes. But even I listened for a minute and was caught up. He’s a master marketer. Ad-libs, catchy hooks and banging beats and wham! Jeezy did the same thing that 50 said The Game did. Average rapping over great production (The Documentary) and by George Michael, you have an instant hit.

Let me also add this, I’m not an elitist, nothing-but-the-old-school, backpack rap enthusiast who thinks Lupe Fiasco is the second coming of Jesus for rap music. In fact, I do not like Lupe Fiasco. I like commercial stuff just as much as I like “underground” and I don’t think hip-hop is dead. But it aint my debate, it’s Jeezy versus Monie Love.

Jeezy sounds like so many southern rappers nowadays who are taking everything personal. Granted, a lot of rappers from NY have been hating on the South…but its because they aren’t selling and they’re bitter. Oh well, NY needs to get the fuck over it. And make better music. But these niggas can’t take everything so personal either. For fuck’s sake Jeezy, nobody said they didn’t respect your craft (well I think you suck, but nobody asked me)…Monie pointed out that rap isn’t what it used to be…and who hasn’t said that?

“All these rappers sound the same…” or “everything out now is the same ole same ole…”

Any fan, including most rappers, has said that at some point.

Oh well, Young Jeezy has morphed himself into an idiot and he totally lost an argument by not thinking. He even capped it off by walking out, which is also known as the ultimate bitch move…oh well…

Since Nas started this, I think it’s only right that Nas finishes it. Young Jeezy, you’ve just been…

…ethered.

When I thought about bringing the question of Jodeci’s best song to the masses (and boy did I, but I’ll get there), I didn’t realize I was asking people to choose between Martin and Malcolm.

Hell, I didn’t realize I was asking who’s the greatest: Jay-Z, Biggie, or Nas (and Tupac, ya know, just because)?

Shucks, who knew that asking a large group of Black people (and some white and Latino people) what Jodeci’s best song was would essentially be the most difficult decision of our lives? To hell with the President, that’s easy. AIDS: to know or not to know? Well, duh…take the test dummy. You say you have to be at work tomorrow at 7am but you’d REALLY like to take make that booty call because it’s been a few months since you’ve had some but the sex wasn’t that great but mediocre sex is better than no sex, so should you make the call? No brainer…of course.

But Jodeci? I feel like I asked people to smack their mothers with rusty barnacles and a box of Hi-Liters…the orange ones.

In fact, to illustrate just how hard a question this was (you can read some of the comments from yesterday) here are some text messages I received:

“Lately…all day. My 2nd choice is Freekn”

Wait 2 seconds…text from the same person:

“I changed my mind, I want to go with Feenin”

Sheesh…and that was the first text I received in response to my question. So what was to follow?

“who is jodeci?” ~ I told her that if she wasn’t joking we could never get married…amazing how quickly she provided me a response.

“I always liked Feenin…but the Freeknu Remix was good also. To tell you the truth, I can’t choose…there are a lot that I like” ~ sounds about consistent with what I’d heard and more tame too; one of my friend’s called me Satan for making her have to do this type of heavy thinking at work…she’s a systems engineer.

“Hmm…how much time do I have?” ~ Apparently this isn’t a snap decision type of question. True and honest thought must be used to determine the answer. If only black people could be this focused and careful in every other decision. Shoot, that could have saved us from D4L at the very least.

“i don’t want them to get back together, but the first song that pops into my head is ‘forever my lady’ but i think i like ‘luv u for life’ more…actually, just shoot me now because I can’t decide.” ~ That wasn’t a text, that was actually a conversation I had with a chick while I was standing in line at Quizno’s. I figured that since she was young and Black she’d probably have an opinion. She did. And no I didn’t try to holler at her; she ordered some kind of weird sandwich. Eww.

“that’s like asking to pick ur favorite child! I won’t do it! Damn u…lol! I’m still waiting remix” ~ Now you see what happened there? Psychoanalytically, she went through four stages: Indecisive to outright defiance to reluctant deference to acceptance. I mean she’s still wrong. Hmm, is it a problem if when she said that I was like, they had a remix for “I’m Still Waiting”?

I asked one of my friends if she thought this was the most difficult question in the Black community to which she texted back:

“lol yo it just might be. When have you ever known xxx to not have an answer. And those last 2 votes? The niggas literally burst into song as an answer.” ~ When was the last time anybody answered a question about Martin Luther King, Jr with an excerpt from his “I Have A Dream” speech? Hmmm?? Hmmm??

You get the point here. Obviously I was a little bit cavalier in how light I took this question and situation. And to complicate matters even further…

…I asked people at the line to get into the club last night. I specifically stayed at the door for a while just to ask. And do you know why this is a problem? Because I had do an impromptu performance of a good 8 of Jodeci’s songs as one patron was trying to decide and she needed to hear them.

So I sang them, which caused other people to start singing their songs. Yeah so, we started a mini-concert outside for a little while. Except none of us can sing. But a crackhead did show up, so it felt more like K-Ci was there in spirit at least. Oh, Devante too. He’s clearly on that shit.

Then, to make it even worse, I had the DJ play the “Come and Talk To Me (Remix)” in the club (though he didn’t actually play it until a rather attractive young lady accompanied me to the DJ booth demanding that it be played since she thinks its the best Jodeci song). The host for the evening went around asking people if it was the best Jodeci song which was followed up the the “Freek NU (Remix)” which just shut shit down. That damn Jodeci, man they made great music.

Sidenote: Have you ever saw, developed a crush and then lost the same crush all in the course of a night? That happened to me last night. I met this chick who I’d apparently seen at least a gazillion times and I caught the biggest crush on her. She’s hot, smiles, and just seems like a genuinely nice person. Then I found out she was engaged. I totally lost the crush. Shit was over just as soon as it started. She’s still hot though…jeez Louise is she hot.

So now we get to decision time…according to the over 250 people that were polled via text message, personal interview, and Internet means, what is the best Jodeci song?

*drumroll*

“Come And Talk To Me (Original)” was voted the best song with the majority of about 35 votes.

However, my personal pick “Freek NU” was a VERY close second with around 33 votes, followed by “Forever My Lady” (27 votes), “Feenin’” (25), “Love You For Life” (21), “Stay” (20), “Come And Talk To Me (Remix)” (20), “Cry For You” -which is my second choice for best song- had (19).

Everything else had 15 votes or less, to include: “Stay”, “My Heart Belongs To You”, Freek NU (Remix)”, “U and I”, “What About Us?”, “Lately” and “I’m Still Waiting (Original and Remix)”

I’d like to thank and apologize to everybody for all of the grief I put them through by asking people to pick the best Jodeci song. I’m sure that quite a few side conversations were spawned because of this out in the real world. Heck, a few people actually came up to me in the club wanting to change their prior answer.

The only thing this proves to me is that there really is no best Jodeci song. There was no clear winner and damn near 12 songs were name-checked by people which only leads me to believe that Jodeci’s catalog is just that good. They’re all great songs. Hell most people couldn’t actually just name even one song. It was always, well I think “this” and “that” are the best songs.

Bottom line, Jodeci is that shit and Boyz II Men can’t touch them.

Yeah, I said it…who the f**k want what??!?!!!!

Oh, and my friend’s choice was “Forever My Lady” or “Stay” so technically…I won. She will disagree. And because she’s a woman, she will be right.

I think I’ve figured out this whole man vs. woman thing.

You’ve got me feenin’…FOR SOME ANSWERS!!!!

People of the ‘Net…a question has arisen.

It is a question of the utmost importance and I need answers. I need answers STAT. Or ASAP. Or perhaps ASAP and STAT actually do mean the same thing so I need the answer 40 ways from Sunday. Which according to some porn stars, is how they like to get smurfed.

The question is this:

Without me giving you a list of songs to choose from, what is Jodeci’s best song?

A friend of mine and I were debating this question yesterday as she has her pick and I have mine. We attempted to dismantle eachother’s decision and it ended up with me changing my choice, then her changing her choice, then us being unable to actually declare a best Jodeci song. Their catalog is sick. The only definitive thing I determined was that I could not date a woman who didn’t accept the fact that Diary Of A Mad Band was their best album.

Any woman who says otherwise need not speak to me ever.

So I implore you, help us, the Black community, and any white people who actually listen to Jodeci, determine the best Jodeci song by placing your choice in the comments.

We need results people!!!! Plus, I SO want to be able to tell my friend that I was right and she was wrong. There’s nothing on the line, but I’ll take glory points.

Allons-y.

For the record, I am actually tallying from both her MySpace and text messages I’ve sent out and I will be posting the results.

And make sure that if you mean a remix, you put remix. I.e. Come and Talk To Me (Remix) or Freek-N-U (Remix).