Yesterday, all the major hip-hop online outlets had news of this recent report that said:

Listeners of rap are more likely to encounter problems with alcohol, drugs and violence than listeners of other genres, according to a new study by the Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation’s (PIRE) Prevention Research Center.

More than 1,000 community college students, age 15-25, participated in the study, titled “Music, Substance Use and Aggression.” The students were questioned on their music listening habits, alcohol use, illicit drug use and aggressive behaviors, such as getting into fights and attacking or threatening others.

The results found that rap was consistently associated with alcohol use, potential alcohol use disorder, illicit drug use and aggressive behavior. - via Allhiphop.com

On the surface, that looks like another reason to say that rap music is what is afoul in the black community and further, potentially, every community as a whole.

Well, I pooh-pooh on this study.

[***Sidenote: I have no idea why, but I have a newfound affinity for saying "pooh-pooh" when in reference to things that make little to no logical sense to me. There's nothing like being a grown smurfin' black man who uses the word pooh-pooh around other grown people. I'm sexxy. ***]

I’m sure this type of study adds fuel to the fire of those individuals who blame artists for crimes that they had nothing to do with. A kid kills a cop? If he listens to rap, the connection will be made that he killed a cop because he listens to rap. And of course white people, religious anti-rap crusaders, and lots of black people who think that rap is what’s wrong with the black community can find solace in knowing that a seemingly faulty study FROM JUMP further vindicates the hatred that already exists for rap music. Even the researchers claim that the study really isn’t necessarily as indicative as the results maybe used.

But who needs exact science? We need it to feed our beliefs. To hell with legitimate statistics. Give me what I want to HEAR!!!

I even read on SOHH.com where the article was titled: New Study Finds That Rap Music Drives You To Drink And Use Drugs. So even worse, the wrong information is coming from the hip-hop community too. Because yes, there are those in the hip-hop community who love to take shots at the commercial nature and need the ammunition to rail against the 50 Cent’s and southern rappers of the world.

Well…I’m calling bullshit.

Oh my bad, I pooh-pooh on such findings.

From the very second I read the reports on the article, two things jumped right out at me:

1) The sample they were using; and

2) The methodology they were using.

Before I jump into why this all makes little to no sense to me, let me first say I have no problem with doing studies that end up admonishing rap in any way, as long as logical sense is used. I also don’t think that the results cannot be used in any way shape or form. I just think that the way they will be used is wrong and also contains a bit of a, well…no shit, vibe to it. But alas, such is my opinion. On to the analysis.

The sampe they used for this was 1,000 community college students aged 15-25. Now, I’m not rocket scientist or survey psychologist, but in today’s day and age, what is the music form that a good 80 percent of all 15-25 year olds are listeing too?

Anybody?

If you said rap, give yourself a pat on the back. Young people, black and white, during their early years tend to trend similarly in their musical tastes because we all get our musical tastes from where?

Anybody?

MTV.

Now, that’s not to say that MTV is the sole music source for many of us (your parents are also a big source), but in all reality, who doesn’t watch MTV at all? In their teenage years? Let’s ALSO throw into the equation that these are college students (community, but hell its still got an element of education). Raise your hand if you never drank or tried any illicit drug in college, on your own volition.

*spotting a few hands here and there*

It’s kcuffin’ college! Especially in the white world, from what I know, drinking is just one of those things you do. I went to a predominantly white high school. Them white kids would get drunk every weekend like it was nothing. I have no reason to assume that those who were drinking in high school would stop by the time they got to college, be it community or Harvard. In college, the black students were smoking up shit like it was going out of style. I know so many people who experimented with drugs it isn’t even funny. People who I’d never think smoked a few times just because they figured they should get that experience. Hell, I’ve considered smoking a cigar before because I was bored. And that was two weeks ago. I’ve never smoked a thing in my life.

Once again, it’s kcuffin’ college! And they are 15-25 years old and rap is the most popular music form right now. Even people who claim not to be rap fans listen to Nelly. And you know white people love Eminem and 50 Cent. How else would they do those huge numbers?

My second beef is the order of operations or methodology. So, based on what I read, I’m assuming they just gave these folks a questionnaire with questions about their drug use, alcohol assumption, aggression, etc. and it simultaneously questioned them about their music preferences from rap to rock and roll. That’s all well and good except when coupled with the age group and the fact that these are college students, you are going to get results like this. Hmm, I smoke pot. I listen to Nelly. Well, Nelly listeners are prone to smoking pot. It’s too simply done.

If a=b, and b=c, then a=c. With a being college student, b being illicit drug use (or what have you) and c being rap music.

That’s WAY to simple a connection to make. And then run with.

The experiment I’d like to see?

Track kids from an early age all with the same background (and I know that you won’t be able to predict if they come up the same way but hey, that could play a part in it as well) using their musical preferences as a guide. See what happens to the kids that don’t listen to rap and what happens to the kids that do listen to rap. If the kids that don’t listen to rap end up being perfect model citizens and the kids that do end up shanking mofo’s at age 15, well then you got me. But what happens if there is no difference? What happens if the Preacher’s Kid who doesn’t listen to rap drinks as much and smokes more than the lawyer’s son who listens to rap…exclusively?

Hell, on The Boondocks, Huey did an experiment to see if he would be dumber if he watched nothing but black shows for two weeks straight. Now THAT is some science I can get behind!

I realize that these studies are done because somebody probably wants to find out the connection. And at its most basic level, this is probably how some random high school student would do this experiment. But, it seems a tad reckless since most scientists know that most people can’t read nor do they give a shit about the “other findings” like:

Researchers emphasize that the survey’s results can’t determine whether listening to certain genres leads to alcohol or illicit drug use or aggressive behavior.

However, young people with tendencies to use alcohol or illicit drugs or to be aggressive may be drawn to particular music styles.

At that point, it becomes a chicken and the egg scenario. And scientists have been grappling with that one for eons.

Which made this finding even more funny to me:

The study, published in the May issue of the Journal of Studies on Alcohol, also found that young people who listen to reggae and techno use more alcohol and illicit drugs than listeners of other music, with the exception of rap.

So young partygoers and ravers might use drugs??? No way!

Nope. That’s not what people care about.

People care about this: Study shows rap music drives kids to drink and use drugs.

Score one for anti-rap proponents!

“People should be concerned about rap and Hip-Hop being used to market alcoholic beverages, given the alcohol, drug and aggression problems among listeners,” Meng-Jinn said. “That’s particularly true considering the popularity of rap and Hip-Hop among young people.”

You can add a “no shit, sherlock” to the end of that statement as we didn’t need this study to let us know that malt-liquor companies have been trying to use rappers for years to tap into the listeners. St. Ides, anyone?

Maybe, it’s just me, but if that was the point of this study, then the researchers have been asleep at the wheel for quite some time since none of that is news.

So, to the people who will use this as just further proof that rap is what’s wrong with the black community, I pooh-pooh on your assertions and question if you’ve really thought about this study for more than the 10 seconds it took to read the headline that you were happy to read.

Reading is fundamental, rap is the manifestation of a bunch of other problems in the black communiy and the world community as a whole, and niggas that don’t read will get you killed.

And that is some science for that ass.

Do you have an itch that you want someone else to scratch?

Are you pissin’ razorblades and would like somebody else to piss switchblades with you?

Have you constantly wondered why all the people in the Herpes commercials seem so doggone…well…happy?

Well it’s because Michael Jackson isn’t the only obviously infected person who isn’t alone. If you need some of that good fire love, venture on over to the internet’s newest hot spot…

…MatchSTD.com.

If you have ants in your pants and haven’t been able to find somebody who can relate to your struggle, this is the place for you.

According to the site’s co-founder, MatchSTD.com averages about 800 people looking for that new hotness per day.

‘We`re averaging about 800 members a day,’ said co-founder Bentley Dawson. ‘This all happened so quickly. We went from pretty much nothing to 15,000 hits an hour, and as of today, we`ve gotten 35,000 hits in an hour.’

I hope those hits are protected!

In all seriousness (albeit short-term seriousness), this is actually a really good idea. I mean, in today’s day and age where diseases run as rampant as Carl Lewis, I can imagine a lot of STD infected individuals having trouble on the dating scene. Though, I can’t imagine somebody with gonorrhea really feeling like swapping gonorrhea for syphillis is a good tradeoff. But that’s just my close-minded thinking.

All I know is that today, my life is better, because I know that on the off-chance that I do contract an STD, I can find me a woman who not only has the hots for me, she’ll will also have the “hots” for me. And that makes me smile.

Thank you MatchSTD.com. Anonymously sparking the fire of romance since 2006!

[***DISCLAIMER: This was very insensitive. And quite frankly, I don't give a smurf! It's been a while since I've garnered some Hell points. Now we can all burn together. Get it...burn?? *sigh* I'm on Orbitz right now booking my ticket to West Hades. ***]

“I saw a front porch swing, heard a diamond ring,
I saw a polka-dot railroad tie.
But I think I will have seen everything
when I see an elephant fly. “
-One of the ambiguously ethnic but assumed Negro crows who mocks the pint-sized pachyderm in the GOP landslide success story, Dumbo

Similarly, I ain’t never heard no shit like this.

I’m not married. But I know some folks who are. And every now and then my married friends, relatives, strangers I meet on the Metro in Washington, DC’s underbelly offer me tidbits on the splendors of marital bliss.

Of course, most people’s statement is not to get married, but one can hardly take that without a grain of salt since it usually follows an argument or disagreement that renders one person at the mercy of another.

However, one thing that I always hear from these people are that they sometimes give their spouses tests to prove their love or some other cockamamie idiocy that might backfire on them. The bottom line is, if something is too good to be true, run like hell.

Such finds us with Andrei Kirilenko and his wife’s proposal to him to have the ability to have sex with one woman per year, outside of their marriage, to ward of the temptation since he’s a huge star in Russia and Utah, his nickname is AK-47, and he likes to tell people he carries a big gun.

Okay, I embellished that last statement but I assume that if my nickname was AK-47, I’d tell people I had a big gun…only because I know that the gutter minded fuckers would go straight for the passive-aggressive perverted context as opposed to the fact that an AK-47 is actually a rather big gun and maybe, since I’m from Mother Russia, I might actually have one. Of course, I don’t think you are able to carry a concealed AK-47, or an unconcealed one for that matter, so its probably highly unlikely that he does…however, he does live in Utah, which might be vaguely reminsicent of Russia so he might feel threatened.

Simply, this would be the scariest thing your wife could possibly propose to you, not to mention the most UNFAIR shit ever, but I’ll get to that later.

Let’s start with the…hmm….

***SPOILER ALERT****FLAVOR OF LOVE****SPOILER ALERT****

On the offchance that there is ANYBODY who hasn’t actually seen the season finale of FLAVOR OF LOVE, what will follow will spoil the end for you (Grayse).

I’d like to send a congratulations out to Hoopz for (literally) winning the (gag me with a spoon) affections of one Flavor Flav. As much as I hated New York, I really didn’t see this coming. What now? The reunion show where Pumkin and New York go at it again. Good times.

So back to the scary shit. There are tests in life, and then there are TESTS. Which are similar to the first tests, except the second TESTS are merely capitalized to signify some sort of importance which means that the TESTS for which I’m referring are meant to mean something in the grand scheme of things unlike the spelling test you took in 3rd grade, naw, to easy drill sargeant too easy, I’m speaking of TESTS like when you have to pick between saving the life of your son or the 20 villagers who are 90 years old and unable to copulate without Niagra or Viagra, you know TESTS that will ultimately determine your place amongst the stars or at the very least guarantee your spot in Heaven since (don’t you love how I just ramble for no apparent reason?) Heaven is filled with people who manage to exhibit big freakin’ cajones in the face of danger and temptation which might singlehandedly have barred 4 of the living 6 original Temptations who are called, wait for it, Temptations. If you are Temptation, can you go to Heaven?

Deep.

FINALLY, we get to what I intended to talk about. So, what woman in her right mind would justify this to herself? And what woman REALLY believes that ONE additional woman outside of her would curb his appetite for new snickerdoodle?

*snicker*

A woman who wants to make sure she checks her husband and make sure he knows that she ain’t dumb. I can just imagine the conversation. Or more like, her speaking, and his thinking and trying not to show how afraid he is during the convo:

AK’s Wife: Mr. Big Gun, I offer you the chance to sleep with one woman outside of our marriage per year. What do you think about that?

AK’s: What?? *Thinking: Okay, I must be on television in Mother Russia. Is Dick Van Dyke still alive? I know they have this YouTube think going around so maybe there is a hidden camera in here. She didn’t really say that did she?*

AK’s Wife: Dah, you can sleep with one extra woman because it isn’t cheating if I know about it and I know the woman throw themselves at you despite you looking very goofy.

AK: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? *Thinking: Okay, I don’t know if she’s joking or not. Maybe she saw my magazines of Maria Sharapova on them. Or maybe Anna Kournikova…or maybe she saw my pictures of Keshia Knight-Pulliam…I love her….all that choclate! C’mon brain, this is a trick. There is not good way out of this. Just say thanks but no thanks and walk away slowly.* NYET!

AK’s Wife: Good Andrei…now go clean the kitchen.

You know, that was funnier in my head.

This is just unbelievable on so many levels so my advice to all men when confronted with this is to say, “baby, you are the only woman out there for me and I don’t need any other women…so no thanks for that.” In Russian of course if you can.

That was simple, but quite briefly and since I’m just tired of writing right now, let us discuss why this is very unfair.

How in the shit is he supposed to decide on which woman to sleep with? Do you just wait until December, tally up the best prospects and pick from them? I guess this all depends on who makes theirself available. I mean, if Halle Berry offered herself up, I think you jump on it. But what if say, Toni from Girlfriends, or the goofy looking chick from American Pie (yeah the bandcamp girl) or say the white ho from Hustle & Flow, offered themselves up, I think you’d have to pass and hope for the best. Needless to say, that can be stressful enough as it is.

You don’t want to blow this opportunity. Which is another pshychological mind game his wife is playing. One per year? That isn’t fair. That’s too much calculating and decision making for him to go through. He’ll combust just trying to make sure he isn’t missing out on Jennifer Love-Hewitt or Natalie Portman when he decides to sleep with Lindsay Lohan.

Bottom line, don’t trust it Andrei.

I like Orange.

Atlanta, Georgia.

Home of the Braves.

*chuckle*

That’s funny actually.

Also, home of the most ridiculous speed limit in the history of the United States. Anybody who’s been to Atlanta and driven on I-285 is very familiar with the 55 MPH speed limit and with the total disregard for it by the drivers of the city that Sherman burned.

It’s been affectionately referred to as the Atlanta Motor Speedway.

Many Atlantans have fallen victim to the total randomness of being ticketed for doing 80 MPH on I-285 while everybody else is already doing 75 MPH. I myself have received at least 2 tickets that I can remember on I-285 in both the City of Atlanta and Cobb County.

And a ticket in Atlanta is no joke. One of my tickets was a whopping $285. Much like other ticketed drivers who are confused by their tickets when it is a well documented fact that there is NO enforced speed limit on in Atlanta, I’ve often wished I could do something about it…if only to prove a point. I’m all for civil disobedience.

Which is why I proudly stand up, salute, and add to my list of heroes, the group of students from Georgia State University who had enough and decided to do something about it. They were tired of tickets so they took the Georgia Depart of Transportation on.

Check the Atlanta Journal-Constitution article here.

They are my heroes.

These students released a short film they created called “A Meditation On The Speed Limit” and are receiving all the national attention they deserve. What did they do?

(Check out the video here.)

In four cars, on all four lanes, the students from Georgia State University and other local colleges paced the entire midmorning flow of Perimeter traffic behind them at 55 mph for half an hour. They call it “an act of civil obedience.”

“I get a lot of tickets,” said Andy Medlin, 20, the Georgia State student who came up with the idea. “The best way to expose the flaws in the system is by following it.”

God bless us everyone.

And also piss off EVERYBODY in the process. Traffic in Atlanta is the absofuckinlutely worst. There is no rush hour. Every hour is rush hour. You are just as likely to sit in traffic at 2am as you are 2pm. Believe you me, nothing pisses you off like sitting in traffic in Atlanta at 2am on a Saturday night…on a highway.

Except…

…being fucking ticketed on a highway when everybody is doing at least 75 and you get busted for doing 80. What kind of gotdamned sense does that make? Of course, I was doing 84 when I got my inaugural ticket but that’s neither here nor there.

It’s especially frustrating when considering statements like these from the spokesman for the state Department of Transportation:

(David) Spear added that the speed limit was lowered to 55 because it saves lives. “In Atlanta, the actual effect of it is we expect the people going 75 to move over so the people going 95 can have the right of way,” he said.

Ironically, you can be killed doing 55 MPH in Atlanta more easily than you can doing 75 since NOBODY drives 55 MPH.

These students took a flawed system’s ridiculousness into their own hands. And it is for this, I salute them.

They…are my heroes.

They are a shining example of how you can buck the system by following its very intent.

Their parents should be proud.

I don’t even know them and I’m proud.

Fuck the system!

(And Starbucks!)

Coretta Scott-King, the iconic widow of slain civil rights leader, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was laid to rest on Tuesday. Coretta, as she has been so affectionately called furthered the cause of her husband after his untimely death and made sure to keep the struggle for civil rights at the forefront of American society.

You see, Coretta (she attained one name status long ago), was concerned about the direction of this country and hoped that progress and strides could be made to reach the elusive equality her husband fought and ultimately gave his life for.

Progress, hope, and optimism. That was Coretta.

It was for these reasons that CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News Channel (!!!), broadcasted the funeral live for their viewers.

“You can find me in DC…” - Notorious B.I.G. “Kick In The Door”, 1997, Life After Death

Not on Tuesday you couldn’t.

Because BET decided “to offer a different experience for BET viewers.” (link via Poplicks)

Sometimes I feel as if I’m beating a dead horse here, or preaching to the choir, or kickin’ tires and lightin’ fires.

However, how is it that TVOne and the Black Family Channel (a station I didn’t even know existed), both stations catered to the “black experience”, would decide to broadcast the funeral but BET, the one station with the most reach, opts to run music videos.

And let’s be real, its BET, it isn’t as if they were running a political analysis of Bush’s budget proposal. They did run a 30-minute taped tribute later that night, but whoopty damn doo.

“If BET erred, we erred on the side of giving viewers a different choice… . We wanted people to have access to this wherever they were - at work, at home, traveling, at school. The online experience would give them that.”

No…you erred on the side of being yourself. It seems like they intentionally TRY to do things that are in direct conflict with what makes sense. I swear, if we ever elect a Black President…BET will probably decide to go to a country music format.

Non-sequitor? Clearly. That is BET in a nutshell.

So BET ran the funeral online.

By a show of hands, who here actually goes to BET’s website???

*crickets*

And excuse my fuckedupedness, but why would you? In fact, hold on one second…

*going to BET’s website to see what’s actually on there*

Umm…feel free to whistle while you twerk…er…work. Ah fuck it, it’s BET…that’s what you saw instead of the funeral anyway.

*back*

Just like I thought…there is no good reason to go to BET.com. It isn’t like there’s any news there or anything. News that affects black people. No, you can just go to BlackAmericaWeb for that…and even that isn’t all that stellar.

It’s strange, when I think of finding out what’s going on with black people in America, BET doesn’t even come onto the radar. Hell, they quit running “Day-Late-And-Dollar-Short” News last July. Apparently people still watch BET though…and I’m not shitting on anybody’s religion, but okay. However, deciding to run the feed on their site, largely a HAZMAT-like destination, and offer on their TV station videos and Burger King (guess that was close enough) commercials…which reaches a vastly larger audience, was…how do you young kids say this nowadays…

…oh yes…stupid as the fuck.

And the justification…even worse. I feel like they have the staff of chimps that the careerbuilder.com commercials are using, running shit.

And I’m not calling black people monkies. Plus, I’m not white…you can’t fire me.

To be fair ABC, NBC, and CBS all streamed the funeral on their website. And you know what, I’ll bet people watched it there…from work. I go to abc.com. I got to CNN.com at least 4 times a day. I watch TV on my computer ALL the time at work…while I’m, ya know, working.

“While acknowledging that BET “has not satisfied what every viewer would want” in regard to King’s funeral, the network provided “an informative, enriching experience,” (Michael) Lewellen says.

The experience won’t hurt BET’s image, he insists.”

You got that right, jack. In fact, I don’t even think anybody noticed. Or cared. Hell, I only found this out, after the fact. You can’t hurt an image that’s high point is BET:Uncut.

You just can’t.

I do however wonder about which “informative, enriching experience” he was speaking of. It’s BET…when was the last time you watched BET and you felt more informed or enlightened?

I’m well aware that BET is well within it’s rights to not show anything substantive on its station. And they exercise that right very well. In fact, I’d say they were tops in the industry at pointless programming intended to do nothing to further the cause of its intended audience…however…

…it’s Coretta.

An icon of not only Black, but American culture. Hell, four US presidents were there. Including the one “black” President we’ve had…President William “Slick Willie” Clinton.

And BET aired the Ying Yang Twins.

So, with that, I’d like to suggest that when the NAACP gets together to change their name (hopefully sometime before I die), BET also be invited to the Re-Naming Committee Board meeting and come up with something more appropriate.

Like, NUT. Nothing Useful Television.

At least that would be honest.

In other news, Kanye got robbed at the Grammy’s in the Album of The Year Category. I’ve heard U2’s album, it wasn’t that great. I just hope that this causes Kanye to once again, create an album that can’t be denied. Because at some point, the RIAA is going to have to acknowledge him.

And somebody tell Sly Stone that McDonald’s wants its Golden Arches back.

Over the past few weeks, some brash and uncouth young lady has been coming thru this site with designs on getting me to come “out” of the closet.

Essentially, she thinks that I’m brokeback. Umm…no brokeback. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The more you know.

*ding*

Well you know, she got me to thinking. Maybe I should come out of the closet. There really is nothing wrong with admitting certain things. People either love me for me, or not at all. As long as I’m okay with myself…that’s all that matters right?

Right.

Mama said there’d be days like, there’d be days like this, my mama said. It is time for me to just open up the closet door, and step out.

*sweating bullets*

Ladies and gentlemen…I’m…

…the sexxiest muhfucka this side of the River Jordan. And that shit ain’t in Chicago, jack.

Wow, that was easier than I thought it would be. And to think I was nervous telling people what they already knew.

However, old igmo got me thinking about the fact that there are some things that I probably should come out of the closet about, with this being Black History Month and all. Or as I so affectionately like to call it, the Annual Monthly Stoned Soul Picnic and BBQ, complete with the revolutionary Black Panther BBQ sauce courtesy of Fredrika Newton (Huey P. Newton’s widow), Burn Baby Burn Revolutionary Hot Sauce!

And no, I’m not making that up.

“Each bottle of Burn Baby Burn Revolutionary Hot Sauce will come with a tag noting milestones in the history of the Black Panther Party for Self- Defense, which was formed in 1966 by Huey Newton and his college classmate Bobby Seale.”

Oy vey.

I know that’s old news for some, but its Black History Month, we must rehash old facts.

Dr. Martin Luther Tha King, Jr. lived, had some dream, then died.

Fact.

That is all. You may now continue with European History.

So, without further ado (adieu…can somebody please tell me which is the proper form to use when saying “withour further…”)…I’m coming out of the closet.

*sighing in preparation for the long admit*

1. I don’t really like The Color Purple. I never have. I have seen it more times than I care to imagine, but even now, I get little enjoyment out of watching the actual movie. The last time I saw it, which was last summer sometime, I did find it to be much funnier than I remembered. However, I still wasn’t enthralled. And yes, I’m aware that I’m a man and I’ve heard more than enough “you wouldn’t understand because you’re a man and its a movie about women’s struggles” arguments. Frankly, I don’t give a damn. It’s ALSO a movie. Me no likey.

2. I can’t read. *OOPS* That’s from a taped conversation with Fantasia. How’d that get in here??

3. I like Mandy Moore. A lot. In fact, she is one of my favorites. This is not to say she can act. She has proven she can’t. I, however, pay that no mind. Just the other day I watched the movie Chasing Liberty because while I was flipping thru channels she showed up on my TV screen. I watched the whole movie because of her. She’s 5′10″ and 21 years old. She’s legal.

I only threw the 5′10″ thing in there because I can’t believe she’s that tall. I thought it was camera angles. Turns out, she’s just that damn tall.

4. I do not like chicken with bones in them. Yes, I’m a breast man. *rimshot* No really, I do not like wings, thighs, etc. Never have. I do not know why this is. However, if you ever want to make sure I won’t take any of your food, order some wings.

5. I was such a big fan of the show Friends, that I went to a Friends “Last Episode Party”. Yes, I was one of two black males there, with the other one only being there because I think he was trynna holler at the hostess. I also happened to know more about the show than the cascades of white people there causing people to whisper under their breath, “who’s that dashingly charming black bandana’d fellow of potential Latin American descent over there?”

Why, he’s Zorro. I, on the other hand, am Panama Jackson.

And, no brokeback to that entire paragraph up there.

6. Two of my favorite albums of all time are noted, footnoted, and notebooked as NWA’s EFIL4ZAGGIN and De La Soul’s de la soul is dead. However, what you don’t know is that if I have to chose between those two albums and Guns ‘N Roses’ Apetite For Destruction or Nirvana’s Nevermind, NWA and De La Soul might lose everytime. And they’re all going to lose if I can only take one album with me. That honor, goes to Splender Halfway Down The Sky. And no, you haven’t heard of them before.

7. Speaking of music, I just, as in three days ago, purchased Michael Jackson’s Thriller. For the first time. Some 24 years after its release. In my home, we had the album, but I’ve never owned my own copy. I purchased a Hillary Duff album, a 5th Dimension album (they had like ONE good song EVER), and two Lil Kim albums, before purchasing the 2nd best selling album in US history. I also purchased a reggae Best of The Best CD that I subsequently threw out of my car window for being so horrendously bitchtastic. I’m so ashamed at myself and I hope Michael Jackson can forgive me.

My mother too.

8. I hate hate hate black literature of the Zane variety. I think its filth flarn filth and utterly fuckin’ sucks. I’ve tried to read some of those books and just felt dirty and dumber. So, I chose to lump it all together. They all suck.

9. I never liked KRS-One. Ever. Still don’t. At all. Or Doug E. Fresh. And since I’m throwing rappers under the bus Terrell Owen’s style, I didn’t even like Tupac until AFTER he died. And I’m STILL more interested in the person than I am the uneven catalog of music that existed before his legacy was pimped Puffy style. And make no mistake, Puffy is pimping the Notorious B.I.G. like he’s in the running for Player of The Year. I hate to do this, but I’m almost convinced that Mrs. Wallace is too, though not as directly. Money might be short these days. I’m not saying I don’t understand, but that B.S. ass Duets album that has like, no duets, on it? Fuckin’ horrible and clearly a ploy to make money off a limited catalog and his name. And to quote the legendary B.I.G.:

“Number three: never trust no-bo-dy/
Your moms’ll set that ass up, properly gassed up/
Hoodie to mask up, shit, for that fast buck/
she be layin in the bushes to light that ass up”

Prophesy is a bitch.

10. I’m not a fan of Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, or BET. There, I said it.

Oh right…no shit. Guess this one doesn’t count.

So here’s a last bonus:

11. I really have no problem with Oprah Winfrey. I’m just afraid of her. She’s the most powerful woman in show business and white people love her. She’s like Suge Knight except she doesn’t smoke cigars, isn’t a Blood, and hasn’t been to jail. Oh yeah, and white people love her. She loves HBCU’s and takes in orphans. What’s not to like? I hate…to stop from crying. And no, I have no idea what that has to do with anything.

The revolution will not be televised…except on UPN…where during Black History Month, lots of movies with black people in them will be shown.

Happy BBQ!

Every now and then I read very depressing news. For instance, I found out yesterday that UPN and the WB are going to merge into the CW Network sometime this year. Save for the casts of “Everybody Hates Chris” and “Girlfriends”, quite a few more black actors/actresses are going to be unemployed. And despite the shows sucking, they were still black shows on air. Sometimes the news involves world catastrophes, other times it involves civil rights or humanitarian efforts that seem to align with Langston Hughes famous poem, “A Dream Deferred.”

And then…there’s shit like this:

Study: College students lack literacy for complex tasks

*You don’t actually have to click to that link since I’ll be pulling out highlights of the article since any of you college students/graduates out there might not know how to click on the link*

“More than half of students at four-year colleges — and at least 75 percent at two-year colleges — lack the literacy to handle complex, real-life tasks such as understanding credit card offers, a study found.”

[***DISCLAIMER: What will follow will be very insensitive comments about college students/graduates (of which I'm a member...I'm also a member of the Safeway Select Grocery Store Discount Club). You've been informed and bewared. ***]

In the immortal words of Florence Evan’s signifying the point where Good Times went to total shit or more popularly known as the moment when Flo and family found out James died of a contract dispute, I mean, an accident in Mississippi (or somewhere down South)…

…damn, damn, damn.

What in the hell are people learning in college?

The worst and most disturbing part of the whole article is that it doesn’t surprise me. I can’t tell you how many actual college graduates I know who don’t seem equipped to handle the simple tasks in life. And for the college students who don’t understand that last statement, let me simplify it.

College students isn’t all smart.

[***DISCLAIMER# 2: I'm aware that many people who come here are indeed college students or college graduates. If you have trouble reading or analyzing anything on this site, it's okay, apparently you aren't alone. However, I'm a saddened by this news and I hope to never work for or near you in life. You will make me dumber. Go count something. ***]

“The literacy study funded by the Pew Charitable Trusts, the first to target the skills of graduating students, finds that students fail to lock in key skills — no matter their field of study….

Without “proficient” skills, or those needed to perform more complex tasks, students fall behind. They cannot interpret a table about exercise and blood pressure, understand the arguments of newspaper editorials, compare credit card offers with different interest rates and annual fees or summarize results of a survey about parental involvement in school.”

Let us analyze this a little bit. I’ve often looked at credit card applications, and quite frankly it can be very confusing. Sometimes I think its intentionally confusing. However, after actually reading an application I have an understanding of the different options, penalties, etc. You see, the key component is reading.

You know what, let’s cut the smart shit, this is a gotdamn shame. Let’s get to what this really means, mmkay?

“Most students at community colleges and four-year schools showed intermediate skills. That means they can do moderately challenging tasks, such as identifying a location on a map.”

I went to college…two of them in fact, and one of the things I learned while in college is to become more analytical. I’ve had plenty of conversations with my friends where I concluded that I didn’t learn so much in college, but moreso expanded on what I already knew (in the simplest forms) and acquired an ability to understand HOW to learn. Of course, that shit goes completely out of the window when I include my calculus classes or that lovely Mechanics (Physics) class I took the summer before my Freshman year where I cranked out a big D+ AND took the entire final by flipping a quarter to determine my responses.

When I dropped my quarter between some seats, I turned my test in. The quarter said I was done.

In my defense, the laughs of my peers killed some of the nervous tension in the air. I took one for the team. Ironically, I think I might have done as well if not better than more than half the class.

But I digress.

The fact that identifying a location on a map is considered an intermediate skill is troubling enough by itself, but the notion that college graduates are mostly adept at completing such a low intuition task, and potentially not further than that speaks volumes about education in this country.

Hell, I’m amazed college graduates can even read…and we know for a fact that some can’t. I guess this makes that whole idea of a dumb jock a little less funny, doesn’t it?

Dumb asses=universal, all inclusive term.

I don’t know if this was comedically placed or not, but this little paragraph damn near slayed me:

“There was brighter news.

Overall, the average literacy of college students is significantly higher than that of adults across the nation. Study leaders said that was encouraging but not surprising, given that the spectrum of adults includes those with much less education.”

The cliche, “no shit” comes to mind.

So we have to find silver linings in the fact that college students are able to READ better than most adults in a nation that has created policies to kick up the literacy level of EVERYBODY, not just children because it would seem that people can’t seem to…read. Even R. Kelly is admittedly a functional illiterate.

Functional illiteracy is like the new “passing”. Folks get by on other people’s assumption that they can read when in truth, even college students aren’t adept at anything past reading words on a page. Dammit, I used a college word again. Let me try to rewrite that sentence…

College students see words.

“The survey examined college students nearing the end of their degree programs.

Almost 20 percent of students pursuing four-year degrees had only basic quantitative skills. For example, the students could not estimate if their car had enough gas to get to the service station. About 30 percent of two-year students had only basic math skills.”

Understandbly, math was the Achille’s heel for most people since generally, people suck ass at math. However, the fact that as many 20 percent of students may not be able to estimate if they had enough gas to get to the station is troubling, ESPECIALLY given that cars come with little lights nowadays that say, “Dumbass, go to the gas station.” I’m one of the people who will test my car to see how far I can go while the light is lit and the car is on E. However, I’m fully aware of what I’m doing…and further, doing it intentionally, knowing that my car might run out of gas on me.

Apparently, my thinking is not shared by a sizable percentage of college students. This is again…a damn shame. This didn’t say “able to calculate using the quadratic formula.” No, it says basic math skills which I can only assume means using fractions and moving a decimal a few places. For the college graduates out there, a fraction is the two numbers that have a line between them.

I’m aware that this study was done with a sample of nearly 2,000 when the population of graduating students at large probably numbers in the hundreds of thousands (I could be very optimistic in that assumption), however, there is some truth in these numbers. I’m often surprised when I come across college graduates who seem to be intuitively challenged and apparently I’m wrong for that.

I apologize.

You can’t read (or count or determine a tip for a waiter or determine a pun in a sentence or are able to analyze a sentence or point out a predicate or, well you get the picture). And it’s okay…

…apparently it’s the American way.

I’ve made many distinctions in my day, call me an elitist, feel free (it’s been done before), about people who seem to know shit versus people who are smart. And believe you me, there is a difference. This study just furthers that idea since I assume that to make it thru 4 years you have to at least know something…that does not mean however, that you are smart. It also lends validation to the common saying…

…some of the dumbest people we all know, are indeed, in college.

Have you ever been in the Hallmark store and just couldn’t find the right card to express how you really felt about your bitch?

Or what about your nigga that’s on the block?

Hmm…

I love minority businesses. In fact, I think evey minority should get them a business of sorts. The same day you buy your first pair of Jordan’s, you should apply to get your first business.

What? You know us minorities love us some Jordan’s.

Now the reason I think that folks should apply, and thusly be denied or approved (and I’ll just say by me for now, I’m sexxy) for their business venture is because if that doesn’t happen, well, you get shit like this…

Official Street Cards

*whistling “The Whisper Song” whilst you go check out that website…please do, my life depends on it*

Somebody.

Shoot.

Me.

I will never understand for the life of me why us black folks think that if we want to create something geared towards urban audiences (read ourselves) it has to be so damn…ghetto. Look I’m not shitting on this company’s goals, I am however shitting on their execution. I mean, this seems like some shit white kids in Iowa that call eachother nigga would put together thinking that they were providing a necessary service. Basically, the cards read like some shit white people who have never met black people would write.

Let me also say that I’m not offended by this in the slightest, I just think it’s dumb and slightly on the ignorant side. And you know I know ignant when I see it. Hell, I’m ignorance personified.

Did I mention I thought this was also funny, like very funny? Because I do. Sad too…

Let’s learn more about the company, shall we? Yes…let us shall.

Well apparently they are from Brooklyn, NY, and probably the street since the cards are called “Official Street Cards” and felt that they needed to tap into a group “who wouldn’t buy a greeting card because of its wordplay…too corny or too mushy.” I guess street creditibility has become SO important, that niggas buying their mother’s cards that said shit like, I don’t know, “I love you”, might make you a punk out on the streets and get you shot, which ironically, would increase your street credibility. Strange times we live in aren’t they?

Want a solution? Now you got one!!!

Official Street Cards makes it possible for you to say (and apparently for the Latino’s and black Latino’s out there): “All my homies wonder why I’m so happy. I let them know that if you don’t have da love, support, and my moms rice and beans, YOU’ll never know. Happy Mother’s Day!”

Not one of the mother’s day cards even says I love you. Which I suppose is too mushy or corny…for your mother.

They also have Valentine’s Day cards, for the thug in you. Peep this, homey! Word to your mother!

“There’s no else I’d rather roll wit!”

Hell, none of these even say I love you. Apparently, we don’t have any love in the ‘hood.

But we do have in the hood is niggas in jail. And since every black person in America has at least one family member who’s either been to, going to, or currently in jail, they have the Lockdown collection.

They even have the Love collection, which is a mix of few of the other cards that appear in other sections. The highlight would be the Bobby-Whitney Special, “I know we fuss and fight, but our love thang is tight.”

Now, it wouldn’t be fair if I claimed that all of their cards were bad. And in fairness, they aren’t the worst they could have been.

Hmm…I’m lying…these cards suck ass.

However, their goods cards, such as the Christmas line aren’t SO over the hip-hop edge (well except for the wreath wrapped in a microphone, but who’s splitting hairs?). For instance, in the Father’s Day collection, I had to wonder how they were going to tackle the “absentee” father syndrome. It’s an urban card line who has proven they aren’t afraid to handle thug love and single motherhood, right? Well they have the absentee father special, “Pops, though you weren’t around most of the time, I got this card to let you know I felt your love from a distance.”

That’s positive, right?

While I have your attention, let me address something else here. In the “About The Crew” section of the site, they let us know that “OSC not only taps into the well known Ebonics slang…”

Now the educated negro in me just can’t let that slide. Ebonics is not slang. Do they tap into Ebonics? Yes, but the use of words like “doe” instead of “though” or “wit” instead of “with”, etc, isn’t exactly something to aspire to? Is it? Do they use slang as well? Yes. But Ebonics and slang are two different things. Slang is saying “joint” instead of saying ” that thing”, or “bling” instead of saying “jewelry”. Saying “dat” instead of “that” is called a speech impediment.

At 30, it’s called unemployment.

I guess the problem here is that these cards seem to be mocking the very folks they are supposed to be representing for. I’ll give credit where credit is due, the artwork is pretty good on many of the cards, but the messages inside reek of “yo, niggas on the street be talkin’ like dat yo, dey want dey cards to be like dat too yo!”

Umm…funky dope fresh?

Sometimes, keeping it “real”, just goes wrong…which means…

…don’t nan’ one of yall niggas ever not never buy me one of dem cards or you gonna be on my “do not call” list on phonebook, son.

That’s official homey.