“I saw a front porch swing, heard a diamond ring,
I saw a polka-dot railroad tie.
But I think I will have seen everything
when I see an elephant fly. “
-One of the ambiguously ethnic but assumed Negro crows who mocks the pint-sized pachyderm in the GOP landslide success story, Dumbo

Similarly, I ain’t never heard no shit like this.

I’m not married. But I know some folks who are. And every now and then my married friends, relatives, strangers I meet on the Metro in Washington, DC’s underbelly offer me tidbits on the splendors of marital bliss.

Of course, most people’s statement is not to get married, but one can hardly take that without a grain of salt since it usually follows an argument or disagreement that renders one person at the mercy of another.

However, one thing that I always hear from these people are that they sometimes give their spouses tests to prove their love or some other cockamamie idiocy that might backfire on them. The bottom line is, if something is too good to be true, run like hell.

Such finds us with Andrei Kirilenko and his wife’s proposal to him to have the ability to have sex with one woman per year, outside of their marriage, to ward of the temptation since he’s a huge star in Russia and Utah, his nickname is AK-47, and he likes to tell people he carries a big gun.

Okay, I embellished that last statement but I assume that if my nickname was AK-47, I’d tell people I had a big gun…only because I know that the gutter minded fuckers would go straight for the passive-aggressive perverted context as opposed to the fact that an AK-47 is actually a rather big gun and maybe, since I’m from Mother Russia, I might actually have one. Of course, I don’t think you are able to carry a concealed AK-47, or an unconcealed one for that matter, so its probably highly unlikely that he does…however, he does live in Utah, which might be vaguely reminsicent of Russia so he might feel threatened.

Simply, this would be the scariest thing your wife could possibly propose to you, not to mention the most UNFAIR shit ever, but I’ll get to that later.

Let’s start with the…hmm….

***SPOILER ALERT****FLAVOR OF LOVE****SPOILER ALERT****

On the offchance that there is ANYBODY who hasn’t actually seen the season finale of FLAVOR OF LOVE, what will follow will spoil the end for you (Grayse).

I’d like to send a congratulations out to Hoopz for (literally) winning the (gag me with a spoon) affections of one Flavor Flav. As much as I hated New York, I really didn’t see this coming. What now? The reunion show where Pumkin and New York go at it again. Good times.

So back to the scary shit. There are tests in life, and then there are TESTS. Which are similar to the first tests, except the second TESTS are merely capitalized to signify some sort of importance which means that the TESTS for which I’m referring are meant to mean something in the grand scheme of things unlike the spelling test you took in 3rd grade, naw, to easy drill sargeant too easy, I’m speaking of TESTS like when you have to pick between saving the life of your son or the 20 villagers who are 90 years old and unable to copulate without Niagra or Viagra, you know TESTS that will ultimately determine your place amongst the stars or at the very least guarantee your spot in Heaven since (don’t you love how I just ramble for no apparent reason?) Heaven is filled with people who manage to exhibit big freakin’ cajones in the face of danger and temptation which might singlehandedly have barred 4 of the living 6 original Temptations who are called, wait for it, Temptations. If you are Temptation, can you go to Heaven?

Deep.

FINALLY, we get to what I intended to talk about. So, what woman in her right mind would justify this to herself? And what woman REALLY believes that ONE additional woman outside of her would curb his appetite for new snickerdoodle?

*snicker*

A woman who wants to make sure she checks her husband and make sure he knows that she ain’t dumb. I can just imagine the conversation. Or more like, her speaking, and his thinking and trying not to show how afraid he is during the convo:

AK’s Wife: Mr. Big Gun, I offer you the chance to sleep with one woman outside of our marriage per year. What do you think about that?

AK’s: What?? *Thinking: Okay, I must be on television in Mother Russia. Is Dick Van Dyke still alive? I know they have this YouTube think going around so maybe there is a hidden camera in here. She didn’t really say that did she?*

AK’s Wife: Dah, you can sleep with one extra woman because it isn’t cheating if I know about it and I know the woman throw themselves at you despite you looking very goofy.

AK: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? *Thinking: Okay, I don’t know if she’s joking or not. Maybe she saw my magazines of Maria Sharapova on them. Or maybe Anna Kournikova…or maybe she saw my pictures of Keshia Knight-Pulliam…I love her….all that choclate! C’mon brain, this is a trick. There is not good way out of this. Just say thanks but no thanks and walk away slowly.* NYET!

AK’s Wife: Good Andrei…now go clean the kitchen.

You know, that was funnier in my head.

This is just unbelievable on so many levels so my advice to all men when confronted with this is to say, “baby, you are the only woman out there for me and I don’t need any other women…so no thanks for that.” In Russian of course if you can.

That was simple, but quite briefly and since I’m just tired of writing right now, let us discuss why this is very unfair.

How in the shit is he supposed to decide on which woman to sleep with? Do you just wait until December, tally up the best prospects and pick from them? I guess this all depends on who makes theirself available. I mean, if Halle Berry offered herself up, I think you jump on it. But what if say, Toni from Girlfriends, or the goofy looking chick from American Pie (yeah the bandcamp girl) or say the white ho from Hustle & Flow, offered themselves up, I think you’d have to pass and hope for the best. Needless to say, that can be stressful enough as it is.

You don’t want to blow this opportunity. Which is another pshychological mind game his wife is playing. One per year? That isn’t fair. That’s too much calculating and decision making for him to go through. He’ll combust just trying to make sure he isn’t missing out on Jennifer Love-Hewitt or Natalie Portman when he decides to sleep with Lindsay Lohan.

Bottom line, don’t trust it Andrei.

I like Orange.

[***I hear that there's some dude out there named Panama who writes long posts. I'm sure glad I'm not him. Ole long winded self! Yes, that means this is long. ***]

Who knew one song could cause so much intra-race controversy?

It’s been a few days since the world found out that it is, indeed, hard out here for a pimp. Three 6 Mafia couldn’t have predicted that a year ago, a song they were commissioned to do for an indepedent movie would be placed on center stage during Hollywood’s biggest night. After all, they were just doing what they were asked to do; create some original songs for the pimp-turned-rapper, DJay, to perform in the movie that pertained to his pimpin’ lifestyle.

And now, “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp” won an accolade that many people wish to have on their resume.

And a lot of black folks are pissed. Which isn’t surprising.

And the title of this post had little to do with anything, I just like the song. It’s by Blue Oyster Cult.

Rock on!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There have been articles all over the internet, national newspapers (more specifically, the Washington Post ran two articles that I’m aware of) on both sides of the coin. Some people are happy that they won, or think that it was good for hip-hop while others are completely aghast, disappointed, pissed, and offended.

I believe that some black folks think this is akin to “Plymouth rock landing on us…again…followed by Chris Rock, Rock ‘n Roll, and Prudential.”

You know, piece of mind, it comes with every piece of the rock.

*rimshot*

Hell, I’ve heard people refer to Three 6 Mafia’s winning of the Oscar as confirmation of white America’s love for black modern day minstrel shows.

Others hate that black stereotypes are lauded.

Well, you get the picture. A lot of black people are very upset with this.

And in some ways, I can understand…but that’s only because I’m very aware that a lot of black people care a whole hell of a lot about white people’s perception of us. Somehow, it seems that our own self-perception is tied into how white America views us.

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, black folks are full of shit.

Why do we care so gotdamned much about how they see us? Really. I want to know.

Black people are so full of concern over our image (as it was pointed out to me last night, and I can’t believe I never thought about this, but we even have the NAACP Image Awards…good God) that we hate anything that can be deemed contrary to what we would like our image to be.

Mind you, I understand the need for balance. To be honest, I’d wager that there is more balance nowadays, outside of mainstream hiphop, than there ever has been before. I can’t think of a single scripted show featuring majority black people on television that doesn’t feature upwardly mobile, well-to-do black people. Black people with degrees and businesses, etc. You know, the people like a lot of us. With the image that we want.

And you know my problem with that? It’s all steeped in how we want to be viewed by larger society…you know, white people.

How in the hell can we progress if our entire self-image is rooted in how we would like to look to white people?

And I’m no better at times. I pride myself on usually not giving a flying fuck what most white people think about me. I kind of march to my own beat most of the time anyway, so even black folks are confused. But there are times when I’m just as guilty of caring about white people’s opinions as the next person. And that is stupid.

It’s impossible to improve your own situation when you’re too busy trying to make sure you look good to a group that, for the most part, doesn’t give a shit what image you put out there. How can we, as black folks, even figure out what’s best for us as a community (assuming that any of us really do give a shit about that community thing since I figure most folks care about what white folks think because of how it might negatively impact them as individuals) if our entire goal is to make sure that white people see that some of us do have degrees and jobs.

Especially when they already know that since they give some of us jobs. Begrudingly at times, but they do.

For the most part, I manage to live my life according to my own liking. And do you know why? Go ahead…take a gander…

…it’s because I’m free.

We have a long way to go in race relations. Clearly, but last I checked, I was free. I didn’t have to live my life dictated by the whims and musings of white people.

So why do so many of us do that? Why do we try to do all the things that one wouldn’t typically associate with black. Hell…why do some folks think they have to dissociate themselves period?? I’ll never understand that.

And speaking on race relations, I find it funny that we want mainstream media, and essentially white America’s perception of us to be perfect…because don’t get it twisted, we don’t want them to have a balanced view of us, we want them to think of us as equals, but in that equality lies a want to be considered as educated people who are as successful as they are at many different ventures. Anytime we can show white folks that we aren’t all poor, we make strides to do so.

But…we also want white people to still recognize racism. It’s like we want white people to look in the mirror and say, “yes you fucked over black people, but still they rise, like the tides. and despite the slip and slides, they rise…they took all that racism and made it anyway.”

Come on…how realistic is that? We want instant gratification and recognition. It’s going to take some time. Hell, we JUST started getting into white schools almost 50 years ago. And that took a landmark Supreme Court case. It isn’t like we were welcomed with open arms, an apple, and some Mentos.

The freshmaker.

Hell, do you even realize that the entire last few paragraphs were all about our dealings with white people? And how we want them to essentially welcome us to the table? Are you still reading right now anyway?

Why don’t we care more about what’s going on inside our our communities first…then worry about what the hell else white folks think? It isn’t like racism is going anywhere anytime soon anyway. Just because we THINK that they look at us differently doesn’t mean they do does it? Or is that what it’s all about anyway…

…we just want to FEEL better about ourselves…and if we feel white folks feel good about us, then maybe we will feel good about us too.

Man, I miss Ice Cube from 1991. For all of the criticism he caught, he had the right idea. Focus on us first, fuck how they think.

This is why we can’t rise as a people, X. It has nothing to do with Three 6 Mafia. They won that award because the Academy didn’t give a shit about how we view ourselves. They liked the song. Same reason Terrence Howard was nominated for his role, because he played a good ass pimp (no pun intended).

Somebody needs to do a study on why we’re so good at portraying the very stereoypes we rail against.

And on why we care so damn much what white people think…please, somebody explain it to me.

(And on how we can keep Flavor Flav on TV for as long as possible, with a possible reality show featuring Crunchy Black as well.)

Atlanta, Georgia.

Home of the Braves.

*chuckle*

That’s funny actually.

Also, home of the most ridiculous speed limit in the history of the United States. Anybody who’s been to Atlanta and driven on I-285 is very familiar with the 55 MPH speed limit and with the total disregard for it by the drivers of the city that Sherman burned.

It’s been affectionately referred to as the Atlanta Motor Speedway.

Many Atlantans have fallen victim to the total randomness of being ticketed for doing 80 MPH on I-285 while everybody else is already doing 75 MPH. I myself have received at least 2 tickets that I can remember on I-285 in both the City of Atlanta and Cobb County.

And a ticket in Atlanta is no joke. One of my tickets was a whopping $285. Much like other ticketed drivers who are confused by their tickets when it is a well documented fact that there is NO enforced speed limit on in Atlanta, I’ve often wished I could do something about it…if only to prove a point. I’m all for civil disobedience.

Which is why I proudly stand up, salute, and add to my list of heroes, the group of students from Georgia State University who had enough and decided to do something about it. They were tired of tickets so they took the Georgia Depart of Transportation on.

Check the Atlanta Journal-Constitution article here.

They are my heroes.

These students released a short film they created called “A Meditation On The Speed Limit” and are receiving all the national attention they deserve. What did they do?

(Check out the video here.)

In four cars, on all four lanes, the students from Georgia State University and other local colleges paced the entire midmorning flow of Perimeter traffic behind them at 55 mph for half an hour. They call it “an act of civil obedience.”

“I get a lot of tickets,” said Andy Medlin, 20, the Georgia State student who came up with the idea. “The best way to expose the flaws in the system is by following it.”

God bless us everyone.

And also piss off EVERYBODY in the process. Traffic in Atlanta is the absofuckinlutely worst. There is no rush hour. Every hour is rush hour. You are just as likely to sit in traffic at 2am as you are 2pm. Believe you me, nothing pisses you off like sitting in traffic in Atlanta at 2am on a Saturday night…on a highway.

Except…

…being fucking ticketed on a highway when everybody is doing at least 75 and you get busted for doing 80. What kind of gotdamned sense does that make? Of course, I was doing 84 when I got my inaugural ticket but that’s neither here nor there.

It’s especially frustrating when considering statements like these from the spokesman for the state Department of Transportation:

(David) Spear added that the speed limit was lowered to 55 because it saves lives. “In Atlanta, the actual effect of it is we expect the people going 75 to move over so the people going 95 can have the right of way,” he said.

Ironically, you can be killed doing 55 MPH in Atlanta more easily than you can doing 75 since NOBODY drives 55 MPH.

These students took a flawed system’s ridiculousness into their own hands. And it is for this, I salute them.

They…are my heroes.

They are a shining example of how you can buck the system by following its very intent.

Their parents should be proud.

I don’t even know them and I’m proud.

Fuck the system!

(And Starbucks!)

Coretta Scott-King, the iconic widow of slain civil rights leader, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was laid to rest on Tuesday. Coretta, as she has been so affectionately called furthered the cause of her husband after his untimely death and made sure to keep the struggle for civil rights at the forefront of American society.

You see, Coretta (she attained one name status long ago), was concerned about the direction of this country and hoped that progress and strides could be made to reach the elusive equality her husband fought and ultimately gave his life for.

Progress, hope, and optimism. That was Coretta.

It was for these reasons that CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News Channel (!!!), broadcasted the funeral live for their viewers.

“You can find me in DC…” - Notorious B.I.G. “Kick In The Door”, 1997, Life After Death

Not on Tuesday you couldn’t.

Because BET decided “to offer a different experience for BET viewers.” (link via Poplicks)

Sometimes I feel as if I’m beating a dead horse here, or preaching to the choir, or kickin’ tires and lightin’ fires.

However, how is it that TVOne and the Black Family Channel (a station I didn’t even know existed), both stations catered to the “black experience”, would decide to broadcast the funeral but BET, the one station with the most reach, opts to run music videos.

And let’s be real, its BET, it isn’t as if they were running a political analysis of Bush’s budget proposal. They did run a 30-minute taped tribute later that night, but whoopty damn doo.

“If BET erred, we erred on the side of giving viewers a different choice… . We wanted people to have access to this wherever they were - at work, at home, traveling, at school. The online experience would give them that.”

No…you erred on the side of being yourself. It seems like they intentionally TRY to do things that are in direct conflict with what makes sense. I swear, if we ever elect a Black President…BET will probably decide to go to a country music format.

Non-sequitor? Clearly. That is BET in a nutshell.

So BET ran the funeral online.

By a show of hands, who here actually goes to BET’s website???

*crickets*

And excuse my fuckedupedness, but why would you? In fact, hold on one second…

*going to BET’s website to see what’s actually on there*

Umm…feel free to whistle while you twerk…er…work. Ah fuck it, it’s BET…that’s what you saw instead of the funeral anyway.

*back*

Just like I thought…there is no good reason to go to BET.com. It isn’t like there’s any news there or anything. News that affects black people. No, you can just go to BlackAmericaWeb for that…and even that isn’t all that stellar.

It’s strange, when I think of finding out what’s going on with black people in America, BET doesn’t even come onto the radar. Hell, they quit running “Day-Late-And-Dollar-Short” News last July. Apparently people still watch BET though…and I’m not shitting on anybody’s religion, but okay. However, deciding to run the feed on their site, largely a HAZMAT-like destination, and offer on their TV station videos and Burger King (guess that was close enough) commercials…which reaches a vastly larger audience, was…how do you young kids say this nowadays…

…oh yes…stupid as the fuck.

And the justification…even worse. I feel like they have the staff of chimps that the careerbuilder.com commercials are using, running shit.

And I’m not calling black people monkies. Plus, I’m not white…you can’t fire me.

To be fair ABC, NBC, and CBS all streamed the funeral on their website. And you know what, I’ll bet people watched it there…from work. I go to abc.com. I got to CNN.com at least 4 times a day. I watch TV on my computer ALL the time at work…while I’m, ya know, working.

“While acknowledging that BET “has not satisfied what every viewer would want” in regard to King’s funeral, the network provided “an informative, enriching experience,” (Michael) Lewellen says.

The experience won’t hurt BET’s image, he insists.”

You got that right, jack. In fact, I don’t even think anybody noticed. Or cared. Hell, I only found this out, after the fact. You can’t hurt an image that’s high point is BET:Uncut.

You just can’t.

I do however wonder about which “informative, enriching experience” he was speaking of. It’s BET…when was the last time you watched BET and you felt more informed or enlightened?

I’m well aware that BET is well within it’s rights to not show anything substantive on its station. And they exercise that right very well. In fact, I’d say they were tops in the industry at pointless programming intended to do nothing to further the cause of its intended audience…however…

…it’s Coretta.

An icon of not only Black, but American culture. Hell, four US presidents were there. Including the one “black” President we’ve had…President William “Slick Willie” Clinton.

And BET aired the Ying Yang Twins.

So, with that, I’d like to suggest that when the NAACP gets together to change their name (hopefully sometime before I die), BET also be invited to the Re-Naming Committee Board meeting and come up with something more appropriate.

Like, NUT. Nothing Useful Television.

At least that would be honest.

In other news, Kanye got robbed at the Grammy’s in the Album of The Year Category. I’ve heard U2’s album, it wasn’t that great. I just hope that this causes Kanye to once again, create an album that can’t be denied. Because at some point, the RIAA is going to have to acknowledge him.

And somebody tell Sly Stone that McDonald’s wants its Golden Arches back.

(You can’t see it, but one of Prodigy’s tattoes says, “50 Cent Was Here”)

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I stole into my older sister’s room while she wasn’t home and helped myself to a few of the tapes that were sitting on her dresser. I took them upstairs to record them like I always did.

I popped one tape in.

It changed my life.

(Well not really, but when writing like this, it is often important to exhibit life-altering moments for dramatic effect I suppose.)

The brashness, the audacity, and gotdamn…the beats. I had never heard anything like it. Every beat was good and welcomed me into a world I knew nothing about but left me yearning for more.

(See? More dramatic totally flufftastic ass bullshit. However, by writing like this, it makes me seem like one of those folks who attempst to connect with his audience through vivid imagery. Please…follow along.)

It was NWA’s EFIL4ZAGGIN. That was in 1991. Fifteen years later, it is still one of my two favorite rap albums, along with De La Soul’s de la soul is dead.

Up to that point, I had been listening to rap sporadically, but I was 12, lived in Germany, and didn’t have cable. My rap was limited to videos our families would mail us from the US of VideoSoul and Rap City. That means I didn’t know shit.

[***Sidenote: In Germany, there was one English language channel that wasn't on cable, AFN. The Armed Forces Network. If it didn't come on AFN, more than likely, we weren't watching it. And that goes for most military brats overseas. You watched the shows the military wanted you to see, down to the cartoons. The one good thing was that there were no commercials. Needless to say, we depended on our family and friends to make sure we even knew what year it was in the states. ***]

My first real introduction to rap was through NWA and it helped to shape my preferences early. I was never that into New York rap. I liked certain folks like Nas and Jay, but I’d take some of that West Coast, DJ Quik/NWA/Dr. Dre/Ice Cube over most of it anyday. It was more laid back, kill you quick so I can party, type shit. I appreciated the “get to the point” storytelling. Plus, I didn’t care so much about lyrical content (though Cube was really spitting some shit back then…now, he sounds like a brillo pad), it was more about the beats to me. It still is today. That doesn’t mean I’ll listen to any craptastic rapper over a hot beat. Not at all. What it does mean is that if the beat doesn’t catch me, I won’t listen at all.

Now, there was a point where I started to get more into the New York foundation rap shit. When I moved back to the states, the South was coming into its own via Outkast, which was good, I was in the South. But New York was at its high point. I started getting involved, from Pete Rock and CL Smooth [my favorite rap song ever is "They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.)"] to Nas to Mobb Deep to OC to LL Cool J, etc. I was never a big Mobb Deep fan at first, but that was before I fully listened to The Infamous.

My goodness gracious that album bangs. One of my favorite beats ever is “Trife Life”. That shit is so gangsta its crazy. And who can deny the gangsta of “Shook Ones Pt. II” or “Survival of The Fittest”. It’s a classic album. Hell, so is Hell On Earth. Mobb Deep made me fans for real. And I appreciate them for that.

Which is why it pains me so to witness the gay ass antics they are exhibiting lately.

Good fuckin’ Satan.

It’s bad enough that I have to hear about them signing to G-Unit, ESPECIALLY after 50 Cent clearly clowned them on his diss track “Piggy Bank”. When speaking to Jadakiss, he says, “…i’ll clown your little ass like Jay did Mobb Deep…”

Apparently, that little shot wasn’t enough to stop them from doing business. That’s fine. But Prodigy has really been making it difficult to remain a fan. I almost think he has a mancrush on 50. During interviews he never fails to mention that he will do whatever 50 says he can do. Yeah, they’re gonna keep creating the murda music we love them for, but they won’t do anything that 50 has a problem with. And for the record, most of the dicksuckery comes from Prodigy. Havoc hasn’t been as bad.

Well, it would seem that 50 has decided to return the manlove to Mobb Deep. In what had to be the hardest article to write without mentioning the homoerotic undertones, MTV scribes inform us that:

Mobb Deep, 50 Cent Get Tattoes To Prove Their Loyalties

“The Mobb Deep and G-Unit alliance seems to go deeper than just business ��� a true kinship and pledge of loyalty have been forged. Prodigy has the words “G-Unit” tattooed on his right hand and 50 has “Mobb Deep” tatted on his wrist. Fif also gave both Mobb members new Porsches when the ink dried on their contracts. The two sides knew right off the bat that things would work.”

How much do you want to bet that Havoc had to talk Prodigy out of getting 50 tattooed on his right hand???

I can ALMOST understand getting a G-Unit tattoo except that it’s so permanent. And we all know that 50 can drop a nigga in a heartbeat. And I’m sure that Lloyd Banks and Yayo have G-Unit tattoes, but they’ve been down since day one. It just seems risky knowing 50’s track record of wilingness to air out anybody who doesn’t have his back 135 percent. Though I guess Prodigy’s blatant willingness to bend over backwards for his newfound friend (pun intended) does indicate that he’s there for the long haul.

However, 50 Cent getting Mobb Deep tattered on his wrist? Well that’s just gay. I guess the t-shirts weren’t enough…he just had to have the M-O-B-B on his body too. If that isn’t manlove, I don’t know what is.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I wonder how many of their diehard fans are going to be able to look past the uber-dicksuckery Prodigy has been exhibiting and objectively remain fans. I can’t look past it at all. I damn near hate them now. You don’t see M.O.P. running around acting little bitches. They have their dignity thank goodness. But the Mobb? Shit, what does Big Noyd think about all of this? Hell, what does Queensbridge think??

I’ll always be able to fall back on The Infamous or Hell On Earth or Murda Muzik, and I let that uber-cornball ass 112 collabo ride…

…but this overly zealous 50-riding is really testing my ability to take them seriously. There is a whole new level of cockiness they are exhibiting. It’s almost like they feel 50 has made them valid.

I hope they prove me wrong because I’m a fan, but somehow…I’m afraid. Or better yet…

…they got me shook.

(Dude…was that not THE corniest ending line like fuckin’ EVER???)

Every now and then I read very depressing news. For instance, I found out yesterday that UPN and the WB are going to merge into the CW Network sometime this year. Save for the casts of “Everybody Hates Chris” and “Girlfriends”, quite a few more black actors/actresses are going to be unemployed. And despite the shows sucking, they were still black shows on air. Sometimes the news involves world catastrophes, other times it involves civil rights or humanitarian efforts that seem to align with Langston Hughes famous poem, “A Dream Deferred.”

And then…there’s shit like this:

Study: College students lack literacy for complex tasks

*You don’t actually have to click to that link since I’ll be pulling out highlights of the article since any of you college students/graduates out there might not know how to click on the link*

“More than half of students at four-year colleges — and at least 75 percent at two-year colleges — lack the literacy to handle complex, real-life tasks such as understanding credit card offers, a study found.”

[***DISCLAIMER: What will follow will be very insensitive comments about college students/graduates (of which I'm a member...I'm also a member of the Safeway Select Grocery Store Discount Club). You've been informed and bewared. ***]

In the immortal words of Florence Evan’s signifying the point where Good Times went to total shit or more popularly known as the moment when Flo and family found out James died of a contract dispute, I mean, an accident in Mississippi (or somewhere down South)…

…damn, damn, damn.

What in the hell are people learning in college?

The worst and most disturbing part of the whole article is that it doesn’t surprise me. I can’t tell you how many actual college graduates I know who don’t seem equipped to handle the simple tasks in life. And for the college students who don’t understand that last statement, let me simplify it.

College students isn’t all smart.

[***DISCLAIMER# 2: I'm aware that many people who come here are indeed college students or college graduates. If you have trouble reading or analyzing anything on this site, it's okay, apparently you aren't alone. However, I'm a saddened by this news and I hope to never work for or near you in life. You will make me dumber. Go count something. ***]

“The literacy study funded by the Pew Charitable Trusts, the first to target the skills of graduating students, finds that students fail to lock in key skills — no matter their field of study….

Without “proficient” skills, or those needed to perform more complex tasks, students fall behind. They cannot interpret a table about exercise and blood pressure, understand the arguments of newspaper editorials, compare credit card offers with different interest rates and annual fees or summarize results of a survey about parental involvement in school.”

Let us analyze this a little bit. I’ve often looked at credit card applications, and quite frankly it can be very confusing. Sometimes I think its intentionally confusing. However, after actually reading an application I have an understanding of the different options, penalties, etc. You see, the key component is reading.

You know what, let’s cut the smart shit, this is a gotdamn shame. Let’s get to what this really means, mmkay?

“Most students at community colleges and four-year schools showed intermediate skills. That means they can do moderately challenging tasks, such as identifying a location on a map.”

I went to college…two of them in fact, and one of the things I learned while in college is to become more analytical. I’ve had plenty of conversations with my friends where I concluded that I didn’t learn so much in college, but moreso expanded on what I already knew (in the simplest forms) and acquired an ability to understand HOW to learn. Of course, that shit goes completely out of the window when I include my calculus classes or that lovely Mechanics (Physics) class I took the summer before my Freshman year where I cranked out a big D+ AND took the entire final by flipping a quarter to determine my responses.

When I dropped my quarter between some seats, I turned my test in. The quarter said I was done.

In my defense, the laughs of my peers killed some of the nervous tension in the air. I took one for the team. Ironically, I think I might have done as well if not better than more than half the class.

But I digress.

The fact that identifying a location on a map is considered an intermediate skill is troubling enough by itself, but the notion that college graduates are mostly adept at completing such a low intuition task, and potentially not further than that speaks volumes about education in this country.

Hell, I’m amazed college graduates can even read…and we know for a fact that some can’t. I guess this makes that whole idea of a dumb jock a little less funny, doesn’t it?

Dumb asses=universal, all inclusive term.

I don’t know if this was comedically placed or not, but this little paragraph damn near slayed me:

“There was brighter news.

Overall, the average literacy of college students is significantly higher than that of adults across the nation. Study leaders said that was encouraging but not surprising, given that the spectrum of adults includes those with much less education.”

The cliche, “no shit” comes to mind.

So we have to find silver linings in the fact that college students are able to READ better than most adults in a nation that has created policies to kick up the literacy level of EVERYBODY, not just children because it would seem that people can’t seem to…read. Even R. Kelly is admittedly a functional illiterate.

Functional illiteracy is like the new “passing”. Folks get by on other people’s assumption that they can read when in truth, even college students aren’t adept at anything past reading words on a page. Dammit, I used a college word again. Let me try to rewrite that sentence…

College students see words.

“The survey examined college students nearing the end of their degree programs.

Almost 20 percent of students pursuing four-year degrees had only basic quantitative skills. For example, the students could not estimate if their car had enough gas to get to the service station. About 30 percent of two-year students had only basic math skills.”

Understandbly, math was the Achille’s heel for most people since generally, people suck ass at math. However, the fact that as many 20 percent of students may not be able to estimate if they had enough gas to get to the station is troubling, ESPECIALLY given that cars come with little lights nowadays that say, “Dumbass, go to the gas station.” I’m one of the people who will test my car to see how far I can go while the light is lit and the car is on E. However, I’m fully aware of what I’m doing…and further, doing it intentionally, knowing that my car might run out of gas on me.

Apparently, my thinking is not shared by a sizable percentage of college students. This is again…a damn shame. This didn’t say “able to calculate using the quadratic formula.” No, it says basic math skills which I can only assume means using fractions and moving a decimal a few places. For the college graduates out there, a fraction is the two numbers that have a line between them.

I’m aware that this study was done with a sample of nearly 2,000 when the population of graduating students at large probably numbers in the hundreds of thousands (I could be very optimistic in that assumption), however, there is some truth in these numbers. I’m often surprised when I come across college graduates who seem to be intuitively challenged and apparently I’m wrong for that.

I apologize.

You can’t read (or count or determine a tip for a waiter or determine a pun in a sentence or are able to analyze a sentence or point out a predicate or, well you get the picture). And it’s okay…

…apparently it’s the American way.

I’ve made many distinctions in my day, call me an elitist, feel free (it’s been done before), about people who seem to know shit versus people who are smart. And believe you me, there is a difference. This study just furthers that idea since I assume that to make it thru 4 years you have to at least know something…that does not mean however, that you are smart. It also lends validation to the common saying…

…some of the dumbest people we all know, are indeed, in college.

Have you ever been in the Hallmark store and just couldn’t find the right card to express how you really felt about your bitch?

Or what about your nigga that’s on the block?

Hmm…

I love minority businesses. In fact, I think evey minority should get them a business of sorts. The same day you buy your first pair of Jordan’s, you should apply to get your first business.

What? You know us minorities love us some Jordan’s.

Now the reason I think that folks should apply, and thusly be denied or approved (and I’ll just say by me for now, I’m sexxy) for their business venture is because if that doesn’t happen, well, you get shit like this…

Official Street Cards

*whistling “The Whisper Song” whilst you go check out that website…please do, my life depends on it*

Somebody.

Shoot.

Me.

I will never understand for the life of me why us black folks think that if we want to create something geared towards urban audiences (read ourselves) it has to be so damn…ghetto. Look I’m not shitting on this company’s goals, I am however shitting on their execution. I mean, this seems like some shit white kids in Iowa that call eachother nigga would put together thinking that they were providing a necessary service. Basically, the cards read like some shit white people who have never met black people would write.

Let me also say that I’m not offended by this in the slightest, I just think it’s dumb and slightly on the ignorant side. And you know I know ignant when I see it. Hell, I’m ignorance personified.

Did I mention I thought this was also funny, like very funny? Because I do. Sad too…

Let’s learn more about the company, shall we? Yes…let us shall.

Well apparently they are from Brooklyn, NY, and probably the street since the cards are called “Official Street Cards” and felt that they needed to tap into a group “who wouldn’t buy a greeting card because of its wordplay…too corny or too mushy.” I guess street creditibility has become SO important, that niggas buying their mother’s cards that said shit like, I don’t know, “I love you”, might make you a punk out on the streets and get you shot, which ironically, would increase your street credibility. Strange times we live in aren’t they?

Want a solution? Now you got one!!!

Official Street Cards makes it possible for you to say (and apparently for the Latino’s and black Latino’s out there): “All my homies wonder why I’m so happy. I let them know that if you don’t have da love, support, and my moms rice and beans, YOU’ll never know. Happy Mother’s Day!”

Not one of the mother’s day cards even says I love you. Which I suppose is too mushy or corny…for your mother.

They also have Valentine’s Day cards, for the thug in you. Peep this, homey! Word to your mother!

“There’s no else I’d rather roll wit!”

Hell, none of these even say I love you. Apparently, we don’t have any love in the ‘hood.

But we do have in the hood is niggas in jail. And since every black person in America has at least one family member who’s either been to, going to, or currently in jail, they have the Lockdown collection.

They even have the Love collection, which is a mix of few of the other cards that appear in other sections. The highlight would be the Bobby-Whitney Special, “I know we fuss and fight, but our love thang is tight.”

Now, it wouldn’t be fair if I claimed that all of their cards were bad. And in fairness, they aren’t the worst they could have been.

Hmm…I’m lying…these cards suck ass.

However, their goods cards, such as the Christmas line aren’t SO over the hip-hop edge (well except for the wreath wrapped in a microphone, but who’s splitting hairs?). For instance, in the Father’s Day collection, I had to wonder how they were going to tackle the “absentee” father syndrome. It’s an urban card line who has proven they aren’t afraid to handle thug love and single motherhood, right? Well they have the absentee father special, “Pops, though you weren’t around most of the time, I got this card to let you know I felt your love from a distance.”

That’s positive, right?

While I have your attention, let me address something else here. In the “About The Crew” section of the site, they let us know that “OSC not only taps into the well known Ebonics slang…”

Now the educated negro in me just can’t let that slide. Ebonics is not slang. Do they tap into Ebonics? Yes, but the use of words like “doe” instead of “though” or “wit” instead of “with”, etc, isn’t exactly something to aspire to? Is it? Do they use slang as well? Yes. But Ebonics and slang are two different things. Slang is saying “joint” instead of saying ” that thing”, or “bling” instead of saying “jewelry”. Saying “dat” instead of “that” is called a speech impediment.

At 30, it’s called unemployment.

I guess the problem here is that these cards seem to be mocking the very folks they are supposed to be representing for. I’ll give credit where credit is due, the artwork is pretty good on many of the cards, but the messages inside reek of “yo, niggas on the street be talkin’ like dat yo, dey want dey cards to be like dat too yo!”

Umm…funky dope fresh?

Sometimes, keeping it “real”, just goes wrong…which means…

…don’t nan’ one of yall niggas ever not never buy me one of dem cards or you gonna be on my “do not call” list on phonebook, son.

That’s official homey.