Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

Good morning.

Today I’d like to introduce you to a new website that myself and The Champ aka The Artist Formerly Known as d.young of The Royal Youngs have begun.

Very Smart Brothas.

It’s a relationship-centric blog since as you all know, d.young aka The Champ and I are nothing short of motherfucking Svengalis on the relationship tip. We know how to tank them and make them last forever like a Keith Sweat on-bended-knee session. Bitches.

Plus, we’re just smarter than the average person. It’s true — there’s science out there to back up this assertion. And in case you can’t find it, my science is better than yours anyway.

The site shall be updated thrice weekly and we’ll be alternating weeks or on very special occasions when we feel like the people are worthy, we shall be updating on the same day. It will be a place to laugh and to cry.

The Champ has kicked it off today with a short discussion about emotional cheating. Ooooh the tension.

Gar.

So come join myself and The Champ at Very Smart Brothas as we attempt to cause arguments for the hell of it but also enlighten your lives because face it, the world is one big ass blackout…

…until somebody brightens up your day.

Tell a friend, tell a Roman. Hell tell a crackhead if they have computer access. And yes people, I actually WILL BE updating that on my required schedule of three times a week.

Very Smart Brothas — where amazing happens.

And mostly because we’re very smart brothas.

My girlfriend saw a mouse yesterday.

She doesn’t do mice. At all. Needless to say, she showed up at my place in some house shoes and a smirk that said, “We’ll go half on your rent from here on out.”

Now to me, mice are cute. And we’re bigger than them. If we don’t like them, we can kick them into 2nd Orbit or for us–we have a cat–we can let our feline have at it. Which is what ended up happening. In the midst of our conversation, after me having made it abundantly clear that mice just do not scare me she said that “not much scares you”.

Hmmm…though mice don’t really scare me (rats on the other hand are the devil spawn), that’s not completely true. I can think of lots of things that scare me. Follow me.

Panama’s Phobias – If I See It, Imma Do Me and Be The Fuck Out

Suge Knight – I’ve never met the man nor do I have any intention of ever doing so. In fact, I never want him to know my name. There’s a reason he’s the most feared man in hip-hop – he killed Biggie, Tupac, and probably had something to do with Mother Theresa questioning her religion. Of course, I can’t prove the latter, but you can’t prove that I can’t prove the latter.

Except that I said I can’t prove the latter. Le sigh.

Pythons - And I’m not talking muscles either. Let’s say that I got off work and showed up at my home. I walk up to my door and pick a little yellow flower from the flowerbed neslted near my entryway. I smile. Look up at the sun and bask in the glow of the rays of the sun. The world is good. Life is good. I turn my key and open my door. I step inside. If I see a python I’m screaming like a bitch. And I mean I’m registering somewhere near dog-whistle on the sharpness scale. Not only am I screaming, I’m running and vowing never to return to my home. I don’t care if they do a Discovery Channel special on removing that python from my home and I have visual proof that it ain’t there. Pythons eat people.

And I mean really, why the hell was it in my place in the first place? What if I show up and a Boa Constrictor is there chilling watching the 4th season of The Wire or some shit? I’d totally concede the apartment…AND still pay rent. For some reason, I just can’t really see a good reason to piss off a boa constrictor. His first name is already Boa, I’d imagine he had some kind of self-esteem issues from Snake Elementary School. Python screams power. Boa? Not so much.

The IRS - There’s an age old adage that says, “The only certain things in life are death and taxes.” Well, you can escape death. That is unless you go see Miracle Max and he gives you one of those chocolate coated Miracle pills. But even then you have to only be mostly dead, not all the way dead. It helps if you’re white and lived in the 1400’s too. Anyway, we know death is coming so the IRS can’t be far behind. Hell, the IRS even shows up AFTER your dead. They scare me. This is how gangsta the IRS is; peep game.

You have a job and before you even see your paycheck, the IRS has ALREADY taken their cut. It’s like they’re on a daily punk mission. You don’t even get your money until they get theirs. You know what we call that in the real world? Bitchmadeness. You know what we call that in the legal world? Extortion. You know what the IRS calls it? Their just due. Bitches.

And let’s not even get on the subject of an audit. You can’t run from that shit. Hell, sometimes you have to have a heart attack and die for them just to get off your case. Word to Ken Lay.

Getting stranded with no gas on the middle of a stretch of highway in Utah or West Virginia - I’ve got an active imagination. I envision a cadre of white people that hate Black people descending upon me while I walk 80 miles for a gas station and getting eaten alive by the zombies who can’t stand day light. I’m a survivor, I’ll never give up. Destiny’s Child meet I Am Legend.

Hmm…am I the only person who is surprised they never played that in the movie? But Bob Marley? Destiny’s Child…so much hotter than Bob Marley. Speaking of Destiny’s Child. Kelly’s new boobage? Me likey long time. Fill out those shirts girl. Fill ‘em out! I know a chick who recently got a boob job. She touches them all the time. Can’t keep her hands off herself.

There’s no story there, I just felt like sharing.

Sharing is caring. The more you know.

*ding*

Getting kicked in the nuts with some steel-toed boots – Not sure this needs explanation but that scares the shit out of me. I’ve had some 5 pound weights thrown at me before that landed right where the sun don’t shine. I. was. done. for. two. days.

I wonder if I’ve ever brought this up before. I know people have their different theories on what Hell is really like. I envision that Hell is where your worst fear happens over and over for eternity. I’d HATE to be the dude who’s worst fear is getting kick in the nuts. Imagine that shit a bazillion times over. I’m trying to be afraid of flowers or something.

More nuttage: Getting my nuts caught in a door - Say I’m doing naked cartwheels in my house one day…and I’m having a dinner party. Why would I be doing naked cartwheels during a dinner party? I have no clue. Anyway, say I’m doing a carthweel thru my hallway and somebody goes in the bathroom and because I’m King Beef, they slam the door and my shit gets slammed in the door. Seriously, that’s some scary shit. That’s on par with clowns.

Clowns - Okay, so I was only scared of clowns for a year after I saw Stephen King’s “It”. But what a year it was. Fucked up shit is that the day I saw it, I was at my uncle’s house in Alabama and I was sleeping in my cousin’s room. And what, oh what, did she have painted on her walls? Fucking clowns.

Ugly aggressive women – This is an actual fear of mine. There is nothing more scary than an aggressive ugly woman. Throw in portly and I’m shaking in a corner with a blanket and the Bible. I’ve been accosted by a busted bold broad before and she just wouldn’t take no for an answer. And seemed to get visibly upset that I wasn’t interested. So I ran her over with my car.

People who like Soulja Boy as an actual rapper - They might get you killed.

Tarantulas - Look. Daddy Long Legs don’t put the fear in my heart. But a spider that needs a haircut? Fuck that. Spider’s with locs are Black spiders and Black spiders might be packing heat. If I see a random errant Tarantula in my house, fuck it, I’m gone. I saw Arachnophobia. I also saw Charlotte’s Web. So you can add spiders that can read and write to the list of shit that scares me. No Seuss for you!

That’ll do it for now. Hug me.

For years, we’ve been trying to figure out how to get kids to stop schlumping each other at the tender ages of 12-19.

“Wait,” they’d say. And nary an adult ever offered up a really good reason as to not get to some teenage sexxing. Well, aside from that whole teenage pregnancy thing and teenage parenthood thing. But that’s the girl’s problem right?!

Well, NOW, I’ll be damned if we don’t have the best way to reach the kids. By now most folks have heard about the CDC study that claims 1 in 4 teenage girls has an STD. To wit:

At least one in four teenage girls nationwide has a sexually transmitted disease, or more than 3 million teens, according to the first study of its kind in this age group.

A virus that causes cervical cancer is by far the most common sexually transmitted infection in teen girls aged 14 to 19, while the highest overall prevalence is among black girls — nearly half the blacks studied had at least one STD. That rate compared with 20 percent among both whites and Mexican-American teens, the study from the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found.

Um damn.

It seems that teenage pregnancy is on the decline these days which means that kids are either taking the route to abstain or are being smarter about their protective practices. And honestly, I’m not sure school of thought I believe more. With so much drama in the LBC…

Ooops.

With so much information out there in the world today available to a younger generation that’s clearly into information, it’s quite possible that little girls are just saying “No” like we used to do to drugs. Word to Nancy Reagan. However, that same information might be scaring boys into rocking the Jimmie hats. Though I wonder if condom consumption is at an all time high.

But clearly there are lots of kids who are still going to be fucking. It’s inevitable and it’s life. Grownups should accept it and make sure that you provide your kids with all the information they need to make informed decisions. So, for the rest of the kids who will inevitably be fucking, I suggest that we plaster a banner in every classroom across the nation that says:

THERE ARE 20 GIRLS IN THIS CLASS. 5 OF THEM MIGHT BE BURNING. ARE YOU REALLY WILLING TO TAKE THE CHANCE ON BEING WRONG?

Mister…I’m burning up…mister. What have I done stuck my dick in? ~ “Look Who’s Burnin’” Ice Cube Death Certificate

Thing is, I’m half serious about this. For some reason, the risk of pregnancy doesn’t register with boys and in many cases young girls. But throw in a little, “Boy, you might fuck around with the wrong girl and your dick might fall off. No really, read this study from CDC, 25 percent of the girls in your school got something!!!”

Who cares if the math is a little fuzzy or the extrapolation is a wee bit off. The message clearly wouldn’t get across to many boys but I’ll bet if you’d told me in high school when I got my career off the ground that these chicks were running around as internal laboratories, I might have put the career on hold.

Who am I kidding. Young boys don’t care. They’re dumb like the dude Dru on the new season of BET’s College Hill. All they want is pussy.

Nevermind.

If you put any group of able bodied, nubile, young to “professional” (which is my catch all for not quite 30 but older than 24 and able to read and more than likely pre-marriage/family) adults of mixed gender in a room together, two conversations will undoubtedly arise: sex and relationships.

It’s written in the DNA of every newborn that around the early to mid-twenties, all of us have to discuss these things. If it’s a group of black “professionals”, then the conversation will go to how much black men suck and how there are no good black men out there causing some poor misguided male soul to utter “well that’s why we date white women” causing a ruckus and lots of hissing and if not contained properly will result in objects being thrown about leading to the ultimate demise of that one antique item that has been passed down from generation to generation in somebody’s family causing further dismay, becuase it’s an antique and shit, forcing folks to get kicked out Martin style (wzup!).

This is just my interpretation, of the situation.

And for good measure, now who else wanna fuck with Hollywood Court?

But before the melee and after the hors d’ouevres (because us young urban professionals always have hors d’ouevres, though if you come to my house it’s chips and maybe some Cheez-Its), one question always arises as well:

Can men and women truly be just friends?

Oh yes, the old platonic friends question is sure to come up at some point. Me and my boy Johnny Kwest argue about this all the time. I contend that it is possible for men and women to be just friends, even at this age. He thinks otherwise.

I use myself and my female friends as examples.

He uses me and my female friends as examples.

*scratching head*

Needless to say, I often lose these arguments. I mean, how can you really win an argument when you’re being used against yourself…and you’re your best defense???

Somebody’s going to have to re-read that a few times. It’s okay, we’ll work on colors tomorrow.

Well I’m not going to discuss whether or not men and women can be platonic friends or not. I have platonic female friends but my boy has made some very compelling arguments as to why these platonic relationships exist. Doesn’t make them any less platonic, but I do understand that a lot of these relationships exist as they do due to circumstance.

But fuck that, Panama has platonic female friends.

However, having platonic female friends SHOULD mean that all rules of overly-intimate contact and the like are in place and nothing of romantic or overly flirtatious nature SHOULD exist.

Well, I’ll be the first to tell you that, umm, very seldom is that the case. In fact, I’m probably part of a group of Platonic Friends ‘R Us that could be a considered a habitual over the line-stepper. And it’s not usually me…well not always anyway. Apparently, just because you are just-friends, doesn’t mean that flirting and playful touchyfeely is out of bounds.

Then again, it never happens with folks you don’t find attractive (if you can help it). Which begs the question, if you find somebody attractive (but aren’t necessarily attracted to them), and you are friends…does anybody hear it?

Oops…I mean, are they platonic?

And this is what I’d like to delve into. Certain behaviors, anyway. I remember when I was in elementary and middle school, we used to have the D.A.R.E. officers come through and tell us about the dangers of drug use. D.A.R.E. to keep our kids off drugs, they’d say.

Do you remember McGruff the Crime Dog? Take a bite out of crime. He must have retired, because crime is up in DC.

Well, do you also remember the Department of Transportation’s drunk driving campaign? Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk?

Well, I think we need to discuss, in the realm of platonic friends, things that friends don’t let other friends do…

AND YOU SAY HE’S JUST A FRIEND: THINGS THAT FRIENDS DON’T LET OTHER FRIENDS DO, EVEN WHILE WATCHING FRIENDS

1. Friends don’t let friends give eachother backrubs.

This has been a point of discussion for me and some friends over the past few weeks. Sides have been drawn, arguments have been made, and policy decisions have been completely disregarded. It’s like the Bush Administration all over again. Let’s be frank here, by a show of hands, how many people have ever had an innocent backrub from a person of the opposite sex, that wasn’t paid for using cash or a credit card??

*crickets*

Shit how many people would ask a “random” person that they wouldn’t think of in an impure manner, to put their hands all over their body in hopes of easing some tension or releasing some stress?

Hell, who doesn’t think of sex when they think of easing tension or releasing stress????

Skin-on-skin (basically hand to back) backrubs are purposeful. It’s just like the book, Purpose Driven Life. Backrubs? Purpose Driven Action. It’s too sensual and the back is a very sensual place. You get to rubbing and shit and who ISN’T going to get all randy? I remember a long time ago, I was talking to this chick and anytime we’d be at her home and she needed a way to say, “hey Panama, I’d like some right now…what do you think?”, she’d just ask me for a “back-rub”.

Now, if you give folks a backrub and you don’t go up under their shirt…well you’re clearly not trying to start anything and that’s “safe”.

Here’s a simple rule of thumb. If your sister/brother can’t do it, then maybe it isn’t so…”friend-friendly”.

I’m just saying, back-rubs are treading dangerous territory.

2. Friends don’t let friends kiss on the lips.

You’d THINK this would be self-explanatory. Hell, Europeans, who are all kissyface, at least kiss on the cheeks. But do you know I know some folks who consider themselves to be platonic friends actually kiss on the lips.

Platonic friends my ass.

I know you see it…I know you see it…

Lip-to-lip action, just doesn’t make any sense to me, if you’re just friends. If you get the pleasure of touching my lips, you’d probably get the pleasure of some NFL kick-off action. *wink**wink* Know what I mean??

Speaking of the NFL, Nick Saban, head coach of the Miami Dolphins, is an idiot. Thank you.

And since we’re talking about idiotic things…

3. Friends don’t let friends sleep with eachother.

Oy vey!

We can add, or touch people in their special places to that as well.

Fellas…if you EVER meet a woman who tells you she can have sex with you with no strings attached…throw something at her and run like hell. She’s lying. No matter how much she tries to convine you she can, she’s a liar.

LIAR. Only a select few women can do this, and you know what? They’ll probably have your ass sprung. Yessir, she will turn you into a woman.

I just don’t think you can be a platonic friend and sleep with your friends. It just doesn’t make sense. Sure, we all have our moments of weakness, but you have them with folks you’ve thought about in vertical terms. If you go to thinking about your friends in vertical terms, it seems counterintuitive to think that they’re actual platonic friends. Sure, you may make strides to keep the relationship platonic by going out of your way to respect the rules of space, time, and Soul Train, but in all truth…when it comes to mental sexnastics, if you think it, you will drink it.

Kool-Aid that is.

And yes, I just wanted to say that.

Do it. Do it.

Just don’t sleep with your friends, mmkay.

Live and learn. Call me Joe Public.

4. Friends don’t let friends hold eachother while sleeping.

Now this one gets tricky. I believe that a man and a woman can sleep in a bed together and not touch eachother and it be all good. Hell, I’ve done it. It’s easier than it sounds. But if one person goes all cuddling up to the other one in the middle of the night and wants to be held and shit, I’m raising a red flag. Holding and being all up under folks is a prime way for feelings to develop. And you wouldn’t just snuggle up to Ray-Ray from 18th Street, now would you? Nope, somebody you truly trust and care about…and if you truly trust and care about them and are all arm locked and wake up and look into eachother’s eyes and smile and then discuss going to the zoo to look at furry and fuzzy animals or God forbid, go feed ducks together…well, your platonicity is at stake, pimpin’.

It was written.

Besides, that cuddling shit leads to sex. See #3.

5. Friends don’t let friends hate on other love interests and relationships.

If you are truly platonic friends, you’ll be happy when your friend meets somebody new that they are really interested in.

We’ve all seen it happen. Some dynamic due of platonicity hangs tough and swears that there’s nothing going on until one of them meets somebody else. All of a sudden they can’t stop talking about how fucked up it is that things are going the way they are…then somebody throws around the, “they should have known I liked them, even though we never talked about it…”

Basically, the non-sense and bullshit starts flying like black folks with reparations checks.

If you got beef, then clearly you need to re-evaluate their place in your life. If your friend tells you that they met somebody at the mall and you automatically call her a ho, you just might not be platonic. If you meet somebody at a library, and you tell your “friend” and he calls the new dude a pussy for reading…you just might not be platonic.

If you both meet somebody new and then fight? Just might not be platonic and you probably broke rule #3.

Which means you aren’t platonic anyway, because…the bottom line is…

Friends don’t let friends break friend rules.

It was written.

One of my favorite folks from Atlanta, T, dropped off this little article in my comments section this morning courtesy of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution and the fine folks at Black Enterprise Magazine:

Morehouse loses top spot in ranking

Not only did Morehouse, my beloved alma mater and locale of the best four years of my life, lose its number one spot…

…it tumbled down to the #45 slot.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Now I know that a lot of people out there are talking reckless, and you can bet your bottom dollar people are talking shit since folks love to knock us Morehouse fellas down a peg or two from our self-made pedestal in the Black community and HBCU universe.

Every time these bogus rankings come out (and I’ll get to why their bogus in a minute) every body who went to an HBCU loves to toss around their ranking or tell Morehouse that we ain’t shit. It’s a standard ritual. I remember when I was at Morehouse and Spelman overtook us for the #1 slot all the mudslinging that was going back and forth between the ‘House and the fine upstanding women at Spelman.

But alas, these rankings really don’t amount to shit. They didn’t amount to shit when Morehouse was ranked number one and they don’t amount to shit now.

And the crowd said…”jigga what?? jigga who??”

“Panama, what you talking about Willis?”

First of all, let’s discuss this rumble (young man rumble) from the top slot all the way down to the 45 slot. Do you mind? Then let us tally ho..

The Atlanta college, ranked No. 1 for the past two of the biennial rankings, fell to No. 45 on the latest list, in part, the magazine said, because of its comparatively low graduation rates.

This year, the magazine surveyed more than 500 African-American education professionals who rated the schools based on their black student graduation rates, academic and social environments, total black undergraduate enrollment, percentage of black undergrads and 2004 ranking.

And according to the article and an editor for Black Enterprise Magazine, graduation rates were given the highest priority.

Everybody here can read right? Good. Then let’s discuss this.

In 2004, Morehouse was ranked as the #1 best college for African-Americans. Which means that in 2004, all of the criteria that were used placed Morehouse squarely at the top. Including in 2004, an atrocious graduation rate.

Let me tell you all a little something about Morehouse. Our graduation rate blows chunks. I remember reading somewhere a long time ago where our 6-year graduation rate was only at like 66%. A whole 2/3 of all black men that came into Morehouse were actually going to graduate in 6-years. Me and my boys graduated in 4 which makes us something like some wunderkinds or something. Either way, that news isn’t exactly groundbreaking, but its a fact about Morehouse.

A sizeable percentage of men that show up aren’t going to graduate. It’s the case now and it was the case back then.

…Morehouse’s graduation rate fell from 56 percent to 49 percent in the time frame the magazine used to determine rankings…

I’m not exactly sure if that’s the 4-year rate or if that’s the 6-year rate, either way it does blow. However, you’re telling me that in 2004, that shitty rate was enough to get us into the #1 slot, but 2 years later it drops 7 points and it causes you a 44 spot slide? Granted, they said that graduation rates got higher priority, but even still, assuming everything else stayed the same (faulty assumption but without them saying we suck other places I have nothing to go on…they focused on graduation rates, not me, the fuckers), and given all of the improvements Morehouse has made in every other area from their capital plans to academic programs, the professionals surveyed must have only looked at graduation rates.

Hell, it was enough to drop Spelman, a school that even makes it into the US News and World Reports for liberal arts colleges, ranking to #5.

Dude, it’s Spelman. They graduate. And they still get dropped to #5. They were #3 in 2004. Do you really think I believe that?

Hell Clark-Atlanta University was #10 in 2004…now?? Ghost like Patrick Swayze.

But okay, according to those surveyed, Morehouse fuckin’ sucks. Okay…I can live with that.

Then again…it’s a survey. Granted, it’s one that people place a lot of stock in. Not I.

For one…it’s a damn survey. They asked 500 ninja’s of professional stature to rate the schools and assumingly gave them the main criteria to focus upon. According to the 2003 (released in 2004) rankings, they used 1,855 ninja professionals to rate the schools, so I have to wonder why the dropoff in included parties. Any person worth their weight in statistical salt knows that the greater your sample size the better the results.

There were no statistical methods used to determine this here. My guess is that they asked the 500 ninjas to look over the information that they had and give their ranking based on that information.

And maybe that’s good enough, but you can’t convince me that US News does that shit. And you know what, for all the years that Morehouse has been ranked #1 in Black Enterprise, we’ve been ranked like NON-EXISTENT over at US News.

Do you know what kind of shift you have to have in your examination of criteria to cause a school to actually lose 44 slots? That shit sounds like the school lost accrediation or something to me…and of course this all supposes that real stock is being placed in these rankings.

And you know what, people do. And people will. I just did a google search of Black Enterprises College Rankings for 2006 and all kinds of schools placed their ranking on their site. And hell, why not, if you win some shit, fuck it, run with it. Who cares if you didn’t even know if you were nominated.

Word to Michael Jackson.

This is undoubtedly big news in the HBCU community and will be cause for concern at Morehouse and to a lesser extent at Spelman and poor Clark…they just got fucked.

As my boy Maverick just said, “Like, are you seriously telling me that Clark is not one of the top 50 Black Colleges??? There are only 112…”

Indeed.

And half of them you haven’t even heard of before.

Even though I don’t put much stock into this, I did enjoy hearing about how Morehouse College ninjas thought they were the shit…

…oh wait, that won’t change, and we are.

You can tell a Morehouse Man, but you can’t tell him much.

And you can’t tell me that these rankings mean much of shit either. Like I said, they didn’t mean much when we were ranked #1 and they don’t mean much now. Sure, it was good for a little HBCU tension and pseudo-elitism. And yes, I’m sure quite a few folks are foaming at the mouth for the opportunity to put Morehouse on blast.

Then again, those are all the same folks who would tell me that they got a scholarship to go to Morehouse (or Spelman), but went to Tougaloo College instead because it was a better opportunity. And that’s no shot at Tougaloo, I’m just saying that we hear these things.

To anybody who went to another HBCU and wants to take shots at the King…please feel free. We probably deserve it.

However, it’s still Morehouse College.

Two words.

Enough said.

You know, that is by far one of Nas’ best songs in years. Everything about that song was great.

Just thought I’d share.

Along those lines (or not really at all), it seems that violent crime was up in America in 2005, with an almost 5 percent increase in murders and a nearly 3 percent increase in overall crime.

Somewhere, Jim Jones is snickering to himself.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think that number’s really going to come down too much. And do you know why? Because gas prices are too fucking high. Seriously, I went to the gas station in my neighborhood two days ago and it was $3.22 for low grade. Had I just driven RIGHT up the street, it was $2.99. That’s enough to make me want to stab somebody.

And I have a good job with income coming in.

So what about the broke individuals out there who live in cities or states where public transportation isn’t exactly on and poppin’? The more you have to pay for the necessary goods, the less money you have all around, causing the bills you are required to pay seem that much more overwhelming causing niggas to be upset causing niggas to do things that niggas do when niggas get upset and frustrated.

Rob muhfuckas.

Hell, I’ve contemplated getting somebody for some money before. And I can read. Well.

Now, the funny thing about this, and the reason I’m about to contradict a statement I just made a few paragraphs ago is because when I read the article, one little fact jumped out at me.

Murders rose 4.8 percent, meaning there were more than 16,900 victims in 2005. That would be the most since 1998 and the largest percentage increase in 15 years.

Murders jumped from 272 to 334 in Houston, a 23 percent spike; from 330 to 377 in Philadelphia, a 14 percent rise; and from 131 to 144 in Las Vegas, a 10 percent increase.

Okay, makes sense, niggas are broke…yada yada yada. Except in Vegas where there’s mostly white folks, but hey, we’re just splitting hairs there, right?

Crime last year increased in all regions, although the 5.7 percent rise in the Midwest was at least three times any other region’s. These states make up the Midwest: Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, North Dakota, Ohio, South Dakota and Wisconsin.

Say heffa say what?? Oh no he didn’t! Oh no he didn’t!

Ahem.

Do you know what this means?

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Do you know that only you can prevent forest fires?

You ready? I don’t think you are.

It means that WHITE PEOPLE are cutting up and acting a gotdamn fool now too!!!

Sure, Chicago and Detroit are major cities in those states, but peep this little tidbit:

Despite the national numbers, Detroit, Los Angeles and New York were among several large cities that saw the number of murders drop.

Of course, when you have the kind of years Detroit has had in the past few years, it’s almost impossible for crime NOT to drop.

You know things are bad when white people are comprising the biggest increase in crimes in this country. In other words, shit is so bad that white people are having to rob eachother now. I don’t know about you, but that scares me. If it’s one thing I can usually count on, it’s the order of operations.

Black people rob black people and white people, sometimes. White people get robbed and call the police. Now white people are fucking up the rotation by robbing white people too. This has potential to bode badly for the black community. If white people start robbing, that doesn’t mean white people will go to jail for it…nope. It means that MORE black people will seem to be guilty of shit they weren’t even capable of doing.

Basically, a black man might NOW be held responsible for a crime he didn’t commit…BECAUSE HE WAS OUT ROBBING SOMEBODY ELSE AT THE SAME TIME.

As if life isn’t already hard enough out here for a pimp.

Luckily…I’m not SO worried about this. If it’s one thing white people don’t like, it’s being the victims of crime. They feel that they shouldn’t have to deal with that kind of thing. Crime is a darky problem. So when tough shit happens to white people, well by Jiminy, they do something about it. White man gets robbed, Congress passes legislation. Black man gets robbed…well, he lives to get robbed again, hopefully.

So maybe, since they have pinpointed that Middle Americans have been losing their fucking minds as of late, and at the risk of having to put white people in jail with Black and Latino people who seem to be fighting all the time, possibly over immigration and whether or not the Latinos have the right to even be in jail (don’t you love the ridiculous reaches I make sometimes), I think Officer Law and his boys in blue will find some way to get their shit together to keep white people safe.

Of course, you can’t make too much out of one years worth of information. It could potentially be that it was an abnormal year across the nation for crime. What with gas prices being what they are, maybe people just aren’t thinking straight. And gas has been a bitch since before 2006. So potentially, this will all change by the time they do the 2006 numbers, though I’m not SO sure, because even if they clean up shit for the white folks, black folks still have a big broke problem.

This just makes me think of how crazy things are around DC. Last year, in Prince George’s County, Maryland, the nation’s most affluent majority-minority county, the suburbs of DC…they amassed nearly 180 murders. That was ALMOST as many murders as The Crack Capitol itself. And this is where the rich niggas live. Though, it does make sense since nearly every black person is being priced right out of the District. Shit, they have to go somewhere. Car jackings were at an all time high in PG County.

If you can’t feel safe in the ‘burbs, where can you feel safe? And that’s why I think gas prices might start to drop at some point. This nation can’t afford to put white people on television robbing and killing eachother. It’s bad PR. And no, that doesn’t stand for Puerto Rico for the few of you who are trying to figure out what PR means.

Black people commit crimes, Latinos sneak in to the country, drive down wages…then commit crimes, and white people make this great country so great!

Except in Middle America right now where white people are shooting…

…and it’s making them look bad.

If ever there was a motivation for better crime prevention. It’s just a damn shame white people got to act crazy for me to believe the potential is there for it to exist.

[***Thanks to everybody who sent me birthday wishes of some sort. I appreciate it. I had a great birthday and I might have to write about how not to throw a high school graduation party in the future. Trust me, it's an art form. ***]

There are a few laws or mandates that I think should have been placed in the U.S. Constitution.

For one, I think that all short men must be nice. I’ve said that before on this site, but it requires mentioning at least once a month. I pray that if I say it enough, I will speak it into existence which will make everybody’s life better since you won’t have to deal with the moral dilemma of having to stomp out a jackass midget dude because he’s talking shit and doesn’t realize that Napolean actually lost at some point.

I also think that ugly women must be nice too. It does not serve you well to already be an unattractive woman AND be an asshole. People will not feel bad about talking shit to a woman who looks like the busted version of Grace Jones.

And that’s saying something.

Ugly men should be nice too, I agree, but for some reason it always stands out more when an unattractive broad is especially personality-flawed. At that point, her only hope in life is to get knocked up and have children who will hopefully love her, except she’ll be such an ass to them because of her own problems that love won’t live there anymore. It will relocate across the street…at the crack house.

Bleak picture right? Hmm…has anybody ever realized how Memphis Bleek has really grown into his name? The nigga’s career? Bleak like shit. Talk about your self-fulfilling prophecy.

Well, in true Panamanian form, another addendum to the list of things that certain groups should be has been discovered.

And its very contrary to the others, but still an important one for a few groups of women nonetheless.

You ready?

I don’t think you are.

You think you know, but you have no idea.

Okay…

New Rule: Attractive women should be barred from taking ugly pictures. Further, attractive women need to recognize that they took ugly pictures and make strides to keep them from invading the public realm.

Reason-being: The running law is that pictures don’t lie. According to Shakira and Wyclef, neither do hips. And I like Shakira’s hips. But that’s irrelevant here. Back to the point. If a beautiful woman takes ugly pictures, can she indeed be attractive?

Think about that.

[***Sidenote: I know that we are born and stuck with the attributes we have. However, I believe that a lot of women just have no clue how to take pictures. Especially pretty but not famous chicks. It takes a certain level of confidence and narcissm to be able to maintain your flyness and/or sexxy in photograph form. Just being hot and taking a picture does not equate to a hot picture. You too can end up on Hot Ghetto Mess.com. The more you know. Ding. ***]

And what is this public realm I spoke of previously? Places like MySpace. That needs no explanation, but I’ve seen some women that I know are attractive in real life take some uberfugly pictures and place them on MySpace.

Not.

A.

Good.

Look.

But let us revisit this notion that if an “attractive” woman consistenly takes “unattractive” pictures, is she truly attractive?

My thinking is…no.

A picture by definition is a freeze frame moment. It is what you look like at that exact moment. Now say you attempt to look fly in a picture, and fail horribly. Then also say you just take a picture, candidly, no frills or anything, and you still end up looking like a daffodil. Constantly, constantly, constantly smoking trees. I’m going to be loathe to call you hot.

You know, let me just take it a step further. If you are a woman who takes consistantly bad pictures, even if 9 out of 10 men say you are…

…you cannot be a dime. To be a dime, your true beauty will transcend all. Everybody has off days. But truly beautiful women, even on their off days, look ridiculously gorgeous.

A few weeks ago, while riding with my boy in Atlanta, we drove by a chick in a Hyundai. Now we both looked into the car because we saw a chick who looked like she might be cute, and she had on a scarf. Not a headwrap…a scarf. Clearly, she was intending to go from Point A to Point B, with minimal stops in between. But you know what? That chick looked HOT in her little scarf. Me and my boy concurred that that is what you want in a woman, appearance wise. Even with scarf on and no makeup and whatnot, she still had her sexxy going.

For the record, I’m not a fan of makeup. Never have been.

I also happen to think that she might take a good picture because she was just looking like herself. If you can look good just waking up, and you take good pictures, AND you’ve been called a dime before.

You just may be a dime.

The other part of this is that many attractive women don’t know how to take good pictures. They try to take poses and shit that make them look extra fly or something. I think the problem is that not enough people practice posing. Me, I practice. You never know when you’re going to have take a model-esque picture. Then again, I also think that I’m the sexxiest muhfucka on the planet, so I’m GOING to take good pictures.

Then again, I’m not a woman. For the most part, an attractive woman can get by with taking bad pictures because they have been proclaimed attractive, which might be why they don’t put much effort into it. They’ll do asanine shit like run their fingers thru their hair in strange ways thinking that their baseline beauty will makeup for the utter fucktasticness of the pose they just provided.

If I have to explain to others that you’re really hot when they look at your pictures, well, you need to step your damn picture game up. Just because you’re in it doesn’t make it good. It makes it a picture with you in it.

And if the picture makes you look like a horse, then you should really reconsider making those pictures available.

Either that or you’re really a horse.

But it’s okay, I don’t judge.

Time you spent reading this: 5-7 minutes

Time you spent trying to figure out just what in the fuck was the point: 10-20 minutes

Time it took you to realize that it was an exercise in futility: 25 minutes

Realization that the beauty is in the randomness of the love that Panama shares with all: Priceless

Yesterday, all the major hip-hop online outlets had news of this recent report that said:

Listeners of rap are more likely to encounter problems with alcohol, drugs and violence than listeners of other genres, according to a new study by the Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation’s (PIRE) Prevention Research Center.

More than 1,000 community college students, age 15-25, participated in the study, titled “Music, Substance Use and Aggression.” The students were questioned on their music listening habits, alcohol use, illicit drug use and aggressive behaviors, such as getting into fights and attacking or threatening others.

The results found that rap was consistently associated with alcohol use, potential alcohol use disorder, illicit drug use and aggressive behavior. – via Allhiphop.com

On the surface, that looks like another reason to say that rap music is what is afoul in the black community and further, potentially, every community as a whole.

Well, I pooh-pooh on this study.

[***Sidenote: I have no idea why, but I have a newfound affinity for saying "pooh-pooh" when in reference to things that make little to no logical sense to me. There's nothing like being a grown smurfin' black man who uses the word pooh-pooh around other grown people. I'm sexxy. ***]

I’m sure this type of study adds fuel to the fire of those individuals who blame artists for crimes that they had nothing to do with. A kid kills a cop? If he listens to rap, the connection will be made that he killed a cop because he listens to rap. And of course white people, religious anti-rap crusaders, and lots of black people who think that rap is what’s wrong with the black community can find solace in knowing that a seemingly faulty study FROM JUMP further vindicates the hatred that already exists for rap music. Even the researchers claim that the study really isn’t necessarily as indicative as the results maybe used.

But who needs exact science? We need it to feed our beliefs. To hell with legitimate statistics. Give me what I want to HEAR!!!

I even read on SOHH.com where the article was titled: New Study Finds That Rap Music Drives You To Drink And Use Drugs. So even worse, the wrong information is coming from the hip-hop community too. Because yes, there are those in the hip-hop community who love to take shots at the commercial nature and need the ammunition to rail against the 50 Cent’s and southern rappers of the world.

Well…I’m calling bullshit.

Oh my bad, I pooh-pooh on such findings.

From the very second I read the reports on the article, two things jumped right out at me:

1) The sample they were using; and

2) The methodology they were using.

Before I jump into why this all makes little to no sense to me, let me first say I have no problem with doing studies that end up admonishing rap in any way, as long as logical sense is used. I also don’t think that the results cannot be used in any way shape or form. I just think that the way they will be used is wrong and also contains a bit of a, well…no shit, vibe to it. But alas, such is my opinion. On to the analysis.

The sampe they used for this was 1,000 community college students aged 15-25. Now, I’m not rocket scientist or survey psychologist, but in today’s day and age, what is the music form that a good 80 percent of all 15-25 year olds are listeing too?

Anybody?

If you said rap, give yourself a pat on the back. Young people, black and white, during their early years tend to trend similarly in their musical tastes because we all get our musical tastes from where?

Anybody?

MTV.

Now, that’s not to say that MTV is the sole music source for many of us (your parents are also a big source), but in all reality, who doesn’t watch MTV at all? In their teenage years? Let’s ALSO throw into the equation that these are college students (community, but hell its still got an element of education). Raise your hand if you never drank or tried any illicit drug in college, on your own volition.

*spotting a few hands here and there*

It’s kcuffin’ college! Especially in the white world, from what I know, drinking is just one of those things you do. I went to a predominantly white high school. Them white kids would get drunk every weekend like it was nothing. I have no reason to assume that those who were drinking in high school would stop by the time they got to college, be it community or Harvard. In college, the black students were smoking up shit like it was going out of style. I know so many people who experimented with drugs it isn’t even funny. People who I’d never think smoked a few times just because they figured they should get that experience. Hell, I’ve considered smoking a cigar before because I was bored. And that was two weeks ago. I’ve never smoked a thing in my life.

Once again, it’s kcuffin’ college! And they are 15-25 years old and rap is the most popular music form right now. Even people who claim not to be rap fans listen to Nelly. And you know white people love Eminem and 50 Cent. How else would they do those huge numbers?

My second beef is the order of operations or methodology. So, based on what I read, I’m assuming they just gave these folks a questionnaire with questions about their drug use, alcohol assumption, aggression, etc. and it simultaneously questioned them about their music preferences from rap to rock and roll. That’s all well and good except when coupled with the age group and the fact that these are college students, you are going to get results like this. Hmm, I smoke pot. I listen to Nelly. Well, Nelly listeners are prone to smoking pot. It’s too simply done.

If a=b, and b=c, then a=c. With a being college student, b being illicit drug use (or what have you) and c being rap music.

That’s WAY to simple a connection to make. And then run with.

The experiment I’d like to see?

Track kids from an early age all with the same background (and I know that you won’t be able to predict if they come up the same way but hey, that could play a part in it as well) using their musical preferences as a guide. See what happens to the kids that don’t listen to rap and what happens to the kids that do listen to rap. If the kids that don’t listen to rap end up being perfect model citizens and the kids that do end up shanking mofo’s at age 15, well then you got me. But what happens if there is no difference? What happens if the Preacher’s Kid who doesn’t listen to rap drinks as much and smokes more than the lawyer’s son who listens to rap…exclusively?

Hell, on The Boondocks, Huey did an experiment to see if he would be dumber if he watched nothing but black shows for two weeks straight. Now THAT is some science I can get behind!

I realize that these studies are done because somebody probably wants to find out the connection. And at its most basic level, this is probably how some random high school student would do this experiment. But, it seems a tad reckless since most scientists know that most people can’t read nor do they give a shit about the “other findings” like:

Researchers emphasize that the survey’s results can’t determine whether listening to certain genres leads to alcohol or illicit drug use or aggressive behavior.

However, young people with tendencies to use alcohol or illicit drugs or to be aggressive may be drawn to particular music styles.

At that point, it becomes a chicken and the egg scenario. And scientists have been grappling with that one for eons.

Which made this finding even more funny to me:

The study, published in the May issue of the Journal of Studies on Alcohol, also found that young people who listen to reggae and techno use more alcohol and illicit drugs than listeners of other music, with the exception of rap.

So young partygoers and ravers might use drugs??? No way!

Nope. That’s not what people care about.

People care about this: Study shows rap music drives kids to drink and use drugs.

Score one for anti-rap proponents!

“People should be concerned about rap and Hip-Hop being used to market alcoholic beverages, given the alcohol, drug and aggression problems among listeners,” Meng-Jinn said. “That’s particularly true considering the popularity of rap and Hip-Hop among young people.”

You can add a “no shit, sherlock” to the end of that statement as we didn’t need this study to let us know that malt-liquor companies have been trying to use rappers for years to tap into the listeners. St. Ides, anyone?

Maybe, it’s just me, but if that was the point of this study, then the researchers have been asleep at the wheel for quite some time since none of that is news.

So, to the people who will use this as just further proof that rap is what’s wrong with the black community, I pooh-pooh on your assertions and question if you’ve really thought about this study for more than the 10 seconds it took to read the headline that you were happy to read.

Reading is fundamental, rap is the manifestation of a bunch of other problems in the black communiy and the world community as a whole, and niggas that don’t read will get you killed.

And that is some science for that ass.

I love my friends.

Despite the amazing accomplishments of many of my immediate accomplices and co-D’s, rarely do we discuss the future Nobel Prizes, Pulitzer Prizes, and advances that mankind will make due to the diligence and work ethic of my friends. We are, like most other young, gifted, and black people concerned with the important things in life, such as music, pop-culture, movies, relationships, and America’s Next Top Model.

And you can throw an impromptu discussion about religion and race into that list as well.

By the way, wasn’t the first sentence of the paragraph before the preceding paragraph really pretentious and presumptuous? Do you realize I used five (5) words in the last sentence that started with “p” and none of the words has less than 9 letters in them? Probably not.

Well yesterday, one of my co-D’s, who will be graduating from Georgia Tech in August with a Ph.D. in biomedical engineering, and I happened upon a discussion that quickly devolved into a disagreement about behavior in high school. It is possible that some of you reading this will recognize the circumstances for which this question might arise. For others, you will not, which only makes sense because not recognizing is the direct complement of recognizing. It’s either/or bucko. I’m feeling educational today.

So I bring to you the discussion that me and my co-D, The Great, had on yesterday because we need further clarification. This convo also arose with another friend on Monday so you see how important this is to the black community.

Are you ready?

Good.

Mind you, this all involves what you would have done in HIGH SCHOOL. Not yesterday at yo’ mamma ‘nem house. Further, if you let the behavior we will discuss happen after high school, you should not be allowed to procreate as you are singlehandedly bringing down the black community.

The more you know.

*ding*

Let’s start with the main question and work our way into the discussion.

Question. And that’s if only I can ask this question, can I?

Yes you can!!!

When dating somebody, or maintaining interest in somebody for whom you actually have regular contact, and that person has a nickname, how long is it plausible to go without actually KNOWING their real name? And is it even realistic to assume that you will go any significant time (like say, a week) without knowing their real name? Can you date somebody without ever knowing their real name?

Let’s say you are in high school, and you meet a nice young lady (clearly this is from the male’s point of view but it can go either way) at the mall who tells you that her name is Woopty-Woop. Despite her gawdawful nickname, you are interested and she is as well. The two of you exchange information and you wait the pre-requisite day to call. Now, when you do decide to call, you will realize that you are about to ask whoever answers the phone for a Woopty-Woop, but you have a little reassurance knowing that she probably gave you her cell phone number. If she doesn’t have a cell phone, you will still call but you will be nervous from the potential that you just might ask a grown smurfin’ person who answers the phone for a person named Woopty-Woop knowing good and smurf well that no parent in their right mind (though a parent out of their right mind might do so) would name their child no smurfin’ Woopty-Woop.

Say you do get direclty to Woopty-Woop. And you all begin conversatin’ (I assume they’re both black since I doubt white people would have a nickname like Woopty-Woop, so it is entirely possible that they will conversate), in my mind, one of the FIRST questions that will be asked is, “so what’s your real name?” Followed by the most logical second question you ask a fellow high schooler who doesn’t go to school with you, “what school do you go too?”

It is my opinion that it is entirely unfathomable to go more than a week DATING (in high school terms which means talking on the phone and meeting up at the mall for kissy-face which leads to the hopefully safe sex in a car behind the mall), you would at least find out the person’s real name. And further, you’d want to know where they went to school.

My boy, The Great, disagrees. He doesnt think the real name is important and that as long as you have a name to call them, you’re in the game. He also doesn’t think that finding out what school the other person goes to is important either.

We are at an impasse. And we need your help. Is finding out a person’s real name that important or is it just good enough to have something to call them? And is where they go to school irrelevant to high schoolers?

When I was in high school, knowing where people went to school was important. We had a high school in Huntsville, Alabama, Lee High School, where it seemed like all the fine chicks went. If you were dating a chick from Lee, you were in there like swimwear (girls callin’ me hun)

First off, R.I.P. to rapper Proof (nee DeShaun Holton) from the Detroit group, D-12 who was killed at an afterhours spot in Detroit last nght. It is not a good year for Detroit on the rap front…at all. (via Allhiphop.com)

*****

“…straight up pimp, if you want me you can find me in the A…” - Big Boi, “Kryptonite”, Purple Ribbon All-Stars, Vol. 2

I went to see the movie ATL starring everybody’s favorite dopeboy, T.I., last night. I really enjoyed the movie and I’d recommend it to everybody. Is it cinematic perfection? No. But I go for entertainment. I was entertained.

Two thumbs up. And a pinky toe.

While watching the movie, I got a whole bunch of random movie, Atlanta, and life thoughts. So I figured, I’d share them. Also, there is a “twist” in the movie. I won’t share it here but I will say that it becomes quite obvious at one point AND for me, it was a relief in SO many ways.

Let us begin, shall we? Yes, let’s.

-I really miss Atlanta. From the opening scenes of the movie I found myself really missing being there. When the song “Georgia” by Ludacris and Field Mob came on, I almost shed a tear. Then I realized I went to the movies by myself and a bunch of teenage pseudo-thugs would probably begin laughing at me. So my pride caught me. Thank goodness. Bottom line, I really miss Atlanta.

-I thought that the movie did a good job of representing Atlanta. And especially the Southside of Atlanta. Yeah, they took some liberties with the actual location of some things but hey, it’s a movie. That area of Atlanta really looks like that. And Jason Weaver cleary doesn’t get enough acting roles. One time for SouthWest Atlanta AKA The SWATS.

-Lauren London is fine. She made one fine smurfin’ hoodrat too. But her accent irritated me to high Hell. I cringed listening to her talk. My mother’s entire side of the family is from the West side of Atlanta. All those places you hear T.I. talking about on his songs…yeah, that’s my momm’a side, Bankhead, Bowen Homes, and Adamsville.

I am the Adamsvillain.

“…I got that shit from Simpson Road/Adamsville, Bowen Homes, Center Hill, Zone 4…” – T.I. , “Ride Wit’ Me”, King

Don’t NOBODY on my momma’nem side talk like she did. I NEVER cringe listening to my family members. She made me cringe.

Big ups to Adamsville.

-I have a personal story to share. One of my boys, The Great, called me the other day to talk about the movie. I hadn’t seen it so we strayed away from the movie, but he did have a question for me.

The Great: Yo, is Mechanicsville a real neighborhood?

Peyton Place Panama: Yeah…dude, are you serious?

The Great: Yeah, I thought they were trying to make it like it was Adamsville or something.

Peyton Place Panama: Seriously, you’re joking right?

The Great: *silence* No, why you asking?

Just like in ATL, we get a “twist” in the story right here. Waaaaaaaaaait for it…

Waaiiiiiiiiit for it…

Peyton Place Panama: Nigga, BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN MECHANICSVILLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Great: WHAT???!?!!!

Peyton Place Panama: Dude, you fuckin’ live in Mechanicsville. Well close enough. You know the corner of Pryor Road and Abernathy…that’s Mechanicsville. Nigga, there’s a fuckin’ sign right there that says…Mechanicsville. You drive by that shit like everyday and you have never ONCE noticed it????

The Great: Wait…you’re surely right!!! Oh shit…I sure do!

In the two days since we have had this conversation, he called me yesterday morning to tell me he saw the sign, and texted me this morning to tell me that he was “driving thru Mechanicsville. Est. 1893″.

Further, he’s been living in Atlanta for the past 9 years now and actually in the vicinity of Mechanicsville for like 2. I’d like to offer my congratulations to the Least Observant Negro In History.

Mechanicsville, Atlanta, Georgia for those that don’t know, don’t show, or just don’t care about what happens in the hood is located in South West Atlanta south of I-20, west of the 75/85 connector and borders the railroad on the south and west. Sheesh…negroes.

-I don’t know what its like in other cities, but going to the skating rink really is a big deal in Atlanta. I used to live on MLK before I moved to DC and about a year before I graduated, they opened up the Cascade Family Skating Center which is prominently displayed in the movie on MLK Blvd. That place is ALWAYS jumpin’ on the weekends. When my cousin, who is now like 15 and going to Douglass (or Doug for the locals), would get in trouble her punishment would be that she couldn’t go to Cascade. Her world would end that weekend, literally. It’s really as packed as they show in the movie and it’s really as live as they show in the movie.

In undergrad, my boy Barry used to work at Sparkle in Riverdale. Like clockwork, every weekend we’d be up in there trying to look good and snag some chicks because on Sunday nights…that’s where the chicks were. Though I said that gangsta’s don’t roller-skate, there sure are a bunch of niggas on skates doing tricks that look like they’ll rob you as soon as you walk out. If you’re in Atlanta and you want to see some real local fun…go to the skating rink, and if you’re not afraid to be on MLK Blvd. at midnight, go to Cascade.

-I thought that the group of friends really came off well. They seemed like real friends who could joke with eachother and understood that everybody was trying to make it. Nobody was trying to hold anybody back or judge anybody for being who they were. They had the prep boy who was trying to make it out the hood, the uber-ghetto negro who just loved being an uber-ghetto negro (Jason Weaver…get him more ghetto parts STAT), Rashad (T.I.) who is like any other regular cat in the hood who’ just living trying to do something with himself and his family, and the NY transplant who reminds everybody that he’s from NY at every turn.

Niggas from NY really do that too. It’s like there’s NY, then the rest of the world. They even had a good little convo about that at the requisite ATL stop, Waffle House.

I can’t not do this, so bear with me.

Can we please have a moment of silence for the infamous North Avenue IHOP?

*silence*

If you never experienced it, your life is missing something. You betta know dat.

-Big Boi from Outkast is a show stealer. He pulled off being a dopeboy so well it was almost frightening. He was a little too cool-and-callous. Funny as hell in the most frightening way possible.

-In the beginning scenes of the movie, Rashad, his brother Ant, and his Uncle are cleaning up a Value Village which just HAS to be the one on Metropolitan Parkway. That conjured up memories from February 2005 when I was in Atlanta and the cashier at Value Village got all uppity with me cuz I didnt know that at Value Village, the cashiers don’t remove the hangers themselves…the customers do. So just like in February 2005…

…I’d like to send an Extra Special Fuck You out to the Value Village on Metropolitan Parkway for having the nerve to be bougie…at Value Village on Metropolitan Parkway also know in Atlanta as, “the track.” Not to be confused with the “trap”. The trap has the dopeboys, the track has the hoes.

-Shoutouts to Spelman College getting mentioned in the movie. Needless to say, Spelman holds a special place in my heart and will always be my favorite place on Earth. Extra special shoutouts to Packard Hall, though I’m an Abby and HH man myself.

-Speaking of famous Atlanta landmarks, I love how Eddie’s Gold Teeth makes it up in the movie. Grills have always been popular in Atlanta, but it seems like Eddie’s has gotten way more popular in the last few years. It is also one of the longest running search queries to this site. Every month, no less than 5 people do searches for Eddie’s Gold Teeth and end up on my site. Hell, I didn’t even know where it was until I realized so many people were searching for it and I was informed that it’s at Greenbriar Mall, which is my favorite mall in Atlanta, with Cumberland coming in second. You need shoes, some bomb chinese food, or some good This Is It!! ribs??? Greenbriar is your spot.

-There is one scene in the movie that is hilariously funny. Let’s just say Lost in Translation takes on a whole new meaning when involving a nigga from Atlanta. It is also a scene that SO many people who venture to Atlanta from other places can relate too. In college, me and my boy Johnny Kwest would go to the Checkers on MLK (Adamsville beeyotch!) and I would intentionally let JK do the ordering because he could NEVER understand what the Checkers employees were saying. You can’t create comedy like that, it just has to fall into your lap. I’d have to translate all the time. Nothing is funnier than hearing this:

Checker’s Worker: ‘Sup shawty…whajaogjaodihjaoi…knowhumtalkin’bout?

Johnny Kwest: Ummm…Uhhhhh…*turning to me* What in the FUCK did he just say????!!??

Peyton Place Panama: He just asked if you wanted a banana milkshake.

JK: No shit???

PPP: Yep.

JK: I don’t know how in the hell you can understand that shit. *turning back* Naw nigga…give me 2 .99 cent spicy chicken sandwiches.

CW: Ok…weljsaljfoidoajfodajoijfijadodjofojo…

JK: Shit…sure. *driving around to the front*

Also, I’d like to send an extra special fuck you out to Checker’s in Washington, DC for NEVER having $. 99 spicy chicken sandwiches when in Atlanta, them hoes are ALWAYS $ .99.

-This movie is also home to one of the WORST sex scenes ever in a movie, if it was even supposed to be that. Trust me on this one. You’re kids don’t have to close their eyes.

Since this is getting long…

-Overall, it’s a good movie with some laughs, some heartwarming moments, some life lessons, some fine ass women (synonymous with Atlanta), some hoodrats (synoymous with Atlanta), and a bunch of dudes trying to figure out life. Well worth the entertainment…

“…you can find me in the A…A….A….”

Boy stop!