If you put any group of able bodied, nubile, young to “professional” (which is my catch all for not quite 30 but older than 24 and able to read and more than likely pre-marriage/family) adults of mixed gender in a room together, two conversations will undoubtedly arise: sex and relationships.
It’s written in the DNA of every newborn that around the early to mid-twenties, all of us have to discuss these things. If it’s a group of black “professionals”, then the conversation will go to how much black men suck and how there are no good black men out there causing some poor misguided male soul to utter “well that’s why we date white women” causing a ruckus and lots of hissing and if not contained properly will result in objects being thrown about leading to the ultimate demise of that one antique item that has been passed down from generation to generation in somebody’s family causing further dismay, becuase it’s an antique and shit, forcing folks to get kicked out Martin style (wzup!).
This is just my interpretation, of the situation.
And for good measure, now who else wanna fuck with Hollywood Court?
But before the melee and after the hors d’ouevres (because us young urban professionals always have hors d’ouevres, though if you come to my house it’s chips and maybe some Cheez-Its), one question always arises as well:
Can men and women truly be just friends?
Oh yes, the old platonic friends question is sure to come up at some point. Me and my boy Johnny Kwest argue about this all the time. I contend that it is possible for men and women to be just friends, even at this age. He thinks otherwise.
I use myself and my female friends as examples.
He uses me and my female friends as examples.
*scratching head*
Needless to say, I often lose these arguments. I mean, how can you really win an argument when you’re being used against yourself…and you’re your best defense???
Somebody’s going to have to re-read that a few times. It’s okay, we’ll work on colors tomorrow.
Well I’m not going to discuss whether or not men and women can be platonic friends or not. I have platonic female friends but my boy has made some very compelling arguments as to why these platonic relationships exist. Doesn’t make them any less platonic, but I do understand that a lot of these relationships exist as they do due to circumstance.
But fuck that, Panama has platonic female friends.
However, having platonic female friends SHOULD mean that all rules of overly-intimate contact and the like are in place and nothing of romantic or overly flirtatious nature SHOULD exist.
Well, I’ll be the first to tell you that, umm, very seldom is that the case. In fact, I’m probably part of a group of Platonic Friends ‘R Us that could be a considered a habitual over the line-stepper. And it’s not usually me…well not always anyway. Apparently, just because you are just-friends, doesn’t mean that flirting and playful touchyfeely is out of bounds.
Then again, it never happens with folks you don’t find attractive (if you can help it). Which begs the question, if you find somebody attractive (but aren’t necessarily attracted to them), and you are friends…does anybody hear it?
Oops…I mean, are they platonic?
And this is what I’d like to delve into. Certain behaviors, anyway. I remember when I was in elementary and middle school, we used to have the D.A.R.E. officers come through and tell us about the dangers of drug use. D.A.R.E. to keep our kids off drugs, they’d say.
Do you remember McGruff the Crime Dog? Take a bite out of crime. He must have retired, because crime is up in DC.
Well, do you also remember the Department of Transportation’s drunk driving campaign? Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk?
Well, I think we need to discuss, in the realm of platonic friends, things that friends don’t let other friends do…
AND YOU SAY HE’S JUST A FRIEND: THINGS THAT FRIENDS DON’T LET OTHER FRIENDS DO, EVEN WHILE WATCHING FRIENDS
1. Friends don’t let friends give eachother backrubs.
This has been a point of discussion for me and some friends over the past few weeks. Sides have been drawn, arguments have been made, and policy decisions have been completely disregarded. It’s like the Bush Administration all over again. Let’s be frank here, by a show of hands, how many people have ever had an innocent backrub from a person of the opposite sex, that wasn’t paid for using cash or a credit card??
*crickets*
Shit how many people would ask a “random” person that they wouldn’t think of in an impure manner, to put their hands all over their body in hopes of easing some tension or releasing some stress?
Hell, who doesn’t think of sex when they think of easing tension or releasing stress????
Skin-on-skin (basically hand to back) backrubs are purposeful. It’s just like the book, Purpose Driven Life. Backrubs? Purpose Driven Action. It’s too sensual and the back is a very sensual place. You get to rubbing and shit and who ISN’T going to get all randy? I remember a long time ago, I was talking to this chick and anytime we’d be at her home and she needed a way to say, “hey Panama, I’d like some right now…what do you think?”, she’d just ask me for a “back-rub”.
Now, if you give folks a backrub and you don’t go up under their shirt…well you’re clearly not trying to start anything and that’s “safe”.
Here’s a simple rule of thumb. If your sister/brother can’t do it, then maybe it isn’t so…”friend-friendly”.
I’m just saying, back-rubs are treading dangerous territory.
2. Friends don’t let friends kiss on the lips.
You’d THINK this would be self-explanatory. Hell, Europeans, who are all kissyface, at least kiss on the cheeks. But do you know I know some folks who consider themselves to be platonic friends actually kiss on the lips.
Platonic friends my ass.
I know you see it…I know you see it…
Lip-to-lip action, just doesn’t make any sense to me, if you’re just friends. If you get the pleasure of touching my lips, you’d probably get the pleasure of some NFL kick-off action. *wink**wink* Know what I mean??
Speaking of the NFL, Nick Saban, head coach of the Miami Dolphins, is an idiot. Thank you.
And since we’re talking about idiotic things…
3. Friends don’t let friends sleep with eachother.
Oy vey!
We can add, or touch people in their special places to that as well.
Fellas…if you EVER meet a woman who tells you she can have sex with you with no strings attached…throw something at her and run like hell. She’s lying. No matter how much she tries to convine you she can, she’s a liar.
LIAR. Only a select few women can do this, and you know what? They’ll probably have your ass sprung. Yessir, she will turn you into a woman.
I just don’t think you can be a platonic friend and sleep with your friends. It just doesn’t make sense. Sure, we all have our moments of weakness, but you have them with folks you’ve thought about in vertical terms. If you go to thinking about your friends in vertical terms, it seems counterintuitive to think that they’re actual platonic friends. Sure, you may make strides to keep the relationship platonic by going out of your way to respect the rules of space, time, and Soul Train, but in all truth…when it comes to mental sexnastics, if you think it, you will drink it.
Kool-Aid that is.
And yes, I just wanted to say that.
Do it. Do it.
Just don’t sleep with your friends, mmkay.
Live and learn. Call me Joe Public.
4. Friends don’t let friends hold eachother while sleeping.
Now this one gets tricky. I believe that a man and a woman can sleep in a bed together and not touch eachother and it be all good. Hell, I’ve done it. It’s easier than it sounds. But if one person goes all cuddling up to the other one in the middle of the night and wants to be held and shit, I’m raising a red flag. Holding and being all up under folks is a prime way for feelings to develop. And you wouldn’t just snuggle up to Ray-Ray from 18th Street, now would you? Nope, somebody you truly trust and care about…and if you truly trust and care about them and are all arm locked and wake up and look into eachother’s eyes and smile and then discuss going to the zoo to look at furry and fuzzy animals or God forbid, go feed ducks together…well, your platonicity is at stake, pimpin’.
It was written.
Besides, that cuddling shit leads to sex. See #3.
5. Friends don’t let friends hate on other love interests and relationships.
If you are truly platonic friends, you’ll be happy when your friend meets somebody new that they are really interested in.
We’ve all seen it happen. Some dynamic due of platonicity hangs tough and swears that there’s nothing going on until one of them meets somebody else. All of a sudden they can’t stop talking about how fucked up it is that things are going the way they are…then somebody throws around the, “they should have known I liked them, even though we never talked about it…”
Basically, the non-sense and bullshit starts flying like black folks with reparations checks.
If you got beef, then clearly you need to re-evaluate their place in your life. If your friend tells you that they met somebody at the mall and you automatically call her a ho, you just might not be platonic. If you meet somebody at a library, and you tell your “friend” and he calls the new dude a pussy for reading…you just might not be platonic.
If you both meet somebody new and then fight? Just might not be platonic and you probably broke rule #3.
Which means you aren’t platonic anyway, because…the bottom line is…
Friends don’t let friends break friend rules.
It was written.