Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

…Look at what I bring to the table. ”

Those were the words written by Prodigy of Mobb Deep. On his personal blog, Ballerina P decided to unleash unto the world the trends and shit that he is responsible for in the rap game. (taken from nahright.com)

No, seriously. And we are all better for it. I’m telling you, I’m a little sad the imp is on his way to jail…with nuggets like these, we might need to petition the judge for a suspended sentence on grounds of necessary unintentional comedy. I mean, if we are to believe that what the world needs now, is love, sweet love…then how can we send Prodigy to jail when he so eloquently lets us know why she love him. To wit:

TRENDS PRODIGY HAS SET SINCE 1992 AND STILL IS SETTING IN 2008 AND BEYOND:

#5 HOW I FOLD MY BANDANA

…

#19 WEB SITES, I HAD INFAMOUSSTORES.COM AND WAS WRITING BLOGS BACK IN 99 LONG BEFORE IT BECAME POPULAR IN HIP HOP TO HAVE A WEB SITE.

Oh Prodigy, how fortunate are we that you exist.

Snicker.

Well, since Prodigy seems to be delusional.as.the.fuck. I figured I’d go ahead and bite his style since you know, niggas be questioning my trendsetting and shit. Now, keep in mind, some of this shit may or may not be true. But fuck it, how dare YOU question PANAMA’S trendsetting!!!!

TRENDS PANAMA HAS SET SINCE 2004 AND IS STILL SETTING IN 2008 AND BEYOND:

#1 FIRST NIGGA TO START NAMING HIMSELF AFTER A COUNTRY ON A BLOG. WORD.LIFE.SON. WASN’T NO OTHER NIGGA RUNNIN’ AROUND CALLIN’ HIS SELF PANAMA. NOW ITS NIGGAS LEFT AND RIGHT WITH COUNTRY NAMES LIKE RON MEXICO AND ASIA AND SHIT.

#2 YO WASN’T NOBODY ELSE SAYING THEY WAS SEXXY AND SHIT BEFORE I STARTED THIS SEXXY SHIT. YO SON, AND ALL THEM NIGGAS THAT STARTED MISSPELLING SEXXY WITH TWO AND THREE X’S…BEEN DOING THAT SINCE DAY ONE. SPEAKING OF THAT SHIT…

#3 WASN’T NOBODY REALLY MISSPELLING SHIT AND HAVING GRAMMATICAL ERRORS IN THEIR SHIT UNTIL I STARTED DOING THAT SHIT SON. NIGGAS WAS ALL SPELLING SHIT RIGHT AND USING PROPER SYNTAX UNTIL I BROUGHT THAT REAL eSTREET LINGO TO THE NET SON. WORD TO THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY NIGGA.

#4 FIRST NIGGA TO FALL ASLEEP AT A BLOGGERS HAPPY HOUR AND MAKE IT LOOK PLANNED AND SEXXY. YO SON, CHECK THE STATS. WASN’T NO NIGGA DOING THAT BEFORE I HIT THE SCENE, KID. AND Y’ALL NIGGAS THINK FALLING ASLEEP CUZ YOU DRUNK WAS SOME SHIT YOU STARTED? FUCK THAT. HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY TRENDSETTING, LOOK AT WHAT I BRING TO THE TABLE.

#5 THE WAY I USE THE ‘K’ KEY ON THE KEYBOARD. I USE MY POINTER FINGER. REST OF Y’ALL NIGGAS IS STILL ON SOME MIDDLE FINGER SHIT.

#6 FOR THAT MATTER, THE WAY I USE THE WHOLE DAMN KEYBOARD. Y’ALL NIGGAS BE TYPING. I BE PAINTING NIGGA. I BE PAINTING.

#7 FIRST CAT TO GET WHOLE POSTS STOLEN AND THEN HUMILIATE THE NIGGAS ON BLOG. BITCH ASS NIGGAS WAS DEFINITELY GETTIN’ ROASTED.

#8 RECEIVING BUTT NAKED ASS PICTURES OF RANDOM BLOG-GROUPIES? ME SON. ALL ME.

#9 BLOG-GROUPIES? ME SON. ALL ME.

#10 SHIT HOW MANY HALFBREED ASS FRENCH NEGROES NAMED PANAMA YOU KNOW OUT THERE NOW? 10? 20? WHO YOU THINK STARTED THE HALFBREED NAMED PANAMA SHIT? HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY TRENDSETTING, LOOK AT WHAT I BRING TO THE TABLE.

#11 SHIT…THE TABLE. I DID THAT.

#12 FIRST NIGGA TO MURDER 7 OTHER BLOGGERS IN BLOG-SOAP OPERA. I DID THAT. MURKED ALL THEM NIGGAS. REST OF Y’ALL BITCH ASSES WAS JUST THINKING IT BUT WHO PULLED THE TRIGGER? ME NIGGA. THATS WHO.

#13 STARTED AN ONLINE COLLEGE (PJ UNIVERSITY-WESTSIDE) AND NOW NIGGAS LIKE DEVRY AND UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX ALL IN MY KOOL-AID. FUCK THEM.

#14 YO, THAT ‘I HATE B.E.T’ SHIT? ALL ME NIGGA. NOW ITS FUCKIN SEXXY TO HATE B.E.T. FUCKERS.

#15 SPEAKING OF SHIT OTHER NIGGAS FUCKIN JACKED…THE ELLIPSE…I STARTED THAT SHIT. NOW I SEE THEM ALL OVER THE FUCKIN PLACE. NIGGAS JUST … LIKE CRAZY. FUCK YALL. THATS ALL ME.

#16 MAKING WORDS NOT RHYME THAT NORMALLY WOULD. WHEN I BE WRITING MY BLOGS HALF THEM SHITS DONT BE RHYMING. LOOK IN THE MIRROR NIGGA AND ASK YOURSELF WHO STARTED THAT SHIT. BEFORE ME Y’ALL WAS ON THAT SHAKESPEARE SONNET SOLILOQUY BULLSHIT. ME NIGGA, TRENDSETTER P, I MAKE THE WORDS SING NIGGA. AND IT AINT IN A/B FORMAT BITCH.

#17 PICKING UP CHICKS WITH STRICT WIT AND CHARM. ALL ME. UNLIKE THE REST OF Y’ALL BITCH ASS NIGGAS I NEVER SHOWED MY FACE AND STILL HAD CHICKS THROWING THEIR PROVERBIAL eDRAWZ AT ME. LICKEMHIGHLICKEMLOW69…I SEE YOU GIRL.

#18 THE WAY I WEAR MY WATCH. TWO RUBBERBANDS. WATCH. TWO MORE RUBBERBANDS. REST OF YALL JUST ROCK A WATCHBAND.

#19 SHOWED REAL STRIPPER LOVE BY SHOWING HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE FOR THE WORLD. REST OF YALL JUST WATCH ‘EM. I EXALT AND EXPLAIN THEM. MAKE IT RAIN? NAW. I MAKE IT THUNDERSTORM.

#20 I COULD KEEP GOING BUT IM TIRED. FUCK YALL. HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY TRENDSETTING, LOOK AT WHAT I BRING TO THE TABLE.

Ten points and a pack of Red Kool-Aid to anybody who can tell me where the title of this post came from!

The points can be redeemed at my new store, Black History Relics where this month’s featured gem is the other half of Kunte Kinte’s severed foot. It’s a big seller for us. If you do indeed get Kunte’s Missing Toes, we’ll also throw in the original manuscript that Alex Haley plagiarized in order to write Roots.

Good movie though. A little long, but definitely a good movie.

Christmas Day is upon us and much like everybody else, I’m scrambling like O.J. Simpson in a courtroom to determine the best gifts to bestow upon my family, friends, and loved ones–which can sometimes be family or friends, but is not always family or friends.

For instance, I love Mandy Moore, Lauren London, Christina Milian, Paula Patton, Beyoncé, Halle Berry…well you get the point and I don’t know any of them (we know one another spiritually but some of y’all claim to know God spiritually and we know that’s just not true, so let’s just pretend I didn’t just type those last, umm 31 words.). I like pretty, shiny women. Not to be confused with R.E.M. who like shiny, happy people. It’s a small but significant difference.

Anyway, as my service to mankind, I figure that I could provide some insight into the kinds of gifts that you could give to your giftees. Do you realize that he word giftee actually appears in law-language? I have always wondered why legal language was intentionally so verbose and indecipherably difficult to wade through. Then I realized the answer.

It’s because Wu-Tang loves the kids.

You know what? Remix. I’m going to tell you what kind of gifts I’d give our favorite celebrities. Yes, that’s what I’m going to do. Allons-y. Translate it bitch.

That’s so a t-shirt.

Lil’ Wayne – Some common sense and a blow up doll

Perhaps I’m the only one reading all of his interviews but he’s said some pretty uberfucking stupid shit lately. In fact, just recently, igmo said that he’s so real he’d kill a newborn baby if somebody basically wanted that beef with him. In a national publication. Word. Life. Lil Weezy needs a mentor people. Also, I’d get him the blow up doll so that he could stop kissing Baby. Please say the Baby.

50 Cent – A Bible

Mostly because I just feel like he needs Jesus but more specifically because he does live in a house that is the size of a small hotel. And all hotels have Bibles in them. Ruh-roh. I smell a story coming on.

So a few weeks back I was in Trenton, New Jersey, staying in a Marriott. Well, apparently Marriott’s have both the Bible and the Book of Mormon in their hotels. On the cover of the Book of Mormon it stated “Another Testament of something or other”. Inside the Book of Mormon, somebody had left a note that said, “There is no OTHER testament. Put this down and open the real Bible, bitch or may god bring down the wrath of the judge who sentenced Vick to 23 months in jail and a partridge in a pear tree.” Okay, about 75 percent of that was untrue, but they did leave a note in there that said Wu-Tang is for the children.

“…believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear, even if it’s spat by me, and with that said, I will kill niggas dead…” ~ Jay-Z “Ignorant Shit”

And speaking of…

Michael Vick – toothbrush, soap, doo-rag, DVD box set of Oz

Hmm….too easy drill sargeant, too easy.

Ashanti – slightly bigger drawz

Have you all seen the picture floating around the net of Ashanti’s special place? Apparently at a show she did some time ago, somebody took a picture at the most (in)opportune moment and got a crotch-shot of Ashanti’s box-o’-fun.

So, ummm, how many people are about to google that right now? It’s okay. You can be honest.

Lupe Fiasco – better beat selection(s) and better clothes

For the record, I do not like Lupe Fiasco. At all. He just doesn’t appeal to me at all. I’ve liked a total of about 2 of his songs and even then it was moreso because I was beat over the head with them. Somehow, Lupe was the posterboy for what was right with the rap until the great Lupe Fiasco of 2007 at the vh1 Hip-Honors joint. Anyway, Lupe is a damn good lyricist. I’m listening to his new album The Cool (in stores 12/18) as I type this and his beats just ain’t good. And when I say, ain’t good, I mean, ain’t good. He’s like Nas at this shit. Except at least Nas has Illmatic to fall back upon. Food & Liquor? Eh, not so much that hot shit. Oh yes, and I’d like to ask that Kanye West stop dressing Lupe Fiasco as he’s starting to look like a total funboy.

Kanye West – a hug

I have nothing to say here except that brother went from having the best. year. ever. to having the worst. year. ever. Heaven, he needs a hug way more than R. Kelly. R. Kelly doesn’t even deserve it. Hmm…

R. Kelly – a swift kick in the ass

Just because.

Paris Hilton – hmmm…

She’s been remarkably quiet over the past few months. Must be making more movies! Glory day.

On the other hand, this heffa -

Britney Spears – A Bible

Because she really does seem to need Jesus. Maybe 50 can loan her one of his.

Bow Wow & Omarion – ice cream for Bow Wow and an ultraperm for O

So apparently Bow Wow has appedicitis. Godspeed young pup. May you have a speedy recovery and return to the rash of screaming young 12-year olds upon which your career was built. Omarion, my mellow my man, you’re hair looks gay. And it looks a hot mess. And that’s a problem because most gay shit is not a hot mess. It is just gay. Which leads to some strange choices at times but those strange choices are often endorsed by Paris which is, ya know, gay, so who am I to really argue with fashion. Your hair? I argue with. Stop it.

Panama Jackson – new Outkast album

I really want one of those. And it’s looking like a reality. RIGHT after Big Boi and Dré release solo albums. Again. I don’t know about you but if André 3000 releases a rap album, the game might get officially shut down. He’s been on such a tear lately with his verses that he’s gotten to the point where you just HAVE to listen to what he will say.

André 3000 > Souljaboy Tell’Em

Oh my fault, GRAMMY nominated Souljaboy Tell’Em

My guitar gently weeps.

Wu-Tang Clan – hugs all around

Just because these niggas, and mostly just Raekwon (of one good album fame) and Ghostface Killah (of LOTS of good albums fame) are just acting like some bitches. And really, it’s just mostly Raekwon. He’s gone bitch on us. I guess that’s what happens when you can’t quite get your album released.

This makes me think of something though. These niggas heard the songs that RZA was producing for their new album 8 Diagrams. If they didn’t like them, why in the fuck did they rap on them. And not only rap on them, but rap like their lives depended on it? If you no likey, no rappy. You look even more bitchmade for not only complaining about the album, but for the fact that you totally showed up 100 percent on some shit you didn’t agree with in the first place.

So…

Raekwon – a set of nards

Heh heh heh.

I mean, ho ho ho.

Speaking of ho ho ho’s…

Superhead – some damn humility

How you gonna do my boy Eddie Winslow like that?! How you gonna let him fake wife you up when you know what kind of ho you is!

And yes I know it’s his fault, but I couldn’t say ho ho ho’s and NOT put Superhead there.

Obama – Jesus

Bro’s before hoes my man.

And on a side note, be on the lookout for a new album my girlfriend and I are putting together called Beautiful Love and Bitches. It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t go that go-go swing.

Shu-bop shu-bop shu-bop shu-bop.

Goodnight and goodluck.

Merry Christmas bitches.

It’s no secret that race relations in this nation are nowhere near perfect. There are still various semblances of Jim Crow era law enforcement present as evidenced by the Jena 6 cases and the few and far between indictments of police officers killing Black men left and right.

Not to mention the still very real imbalances across the board in terms of just sheer equality. Without a real leader to help push the envelope, I fear that these systemic problems will linger forever. Ambulance-chaser Jesse Jackson and A Pimp Named Straighback (Al) just don’t resonate with the people. For one, they might be less proactive than the KKK in actually starting the conversations geared towards racial balance. Best believe though, if a nigga stubs his toe and a white man’s around???

They got your back.

For two, it’s just really hard to take a motherfucker serious when he has a perm. Sure, we should look past the surface and see what’s on the inside, but hell, you can’t see what’s on the inside because we’re too damn distracted by his follicle folly. You wouldn’t trust Snoop to lead the racial revolution in this nation but at least he has entertainment to fall back on as his reason -do-perm.

Al…not so much. And Al, James Brown is dead. You can get a haircut now.

Seriously, does your pastor have a perm? I remember driving thru southwest Atlanta a few months ago and seeing a billboard of a pastor with a perm. At that point, I realized I could never go to his church. If you ever want me to listen to you, don’t get a perm if you got a set of balls.

Anyway, this morning, it came to me like a song I wrote. I realized the one person who could lead our nation out of the shrouded shadowy past of which we cannot transcend; the individual who could exact such reason and common sense on the masses that we couldn’t help but to listen. He doesn’t have a perm (though he might have had one at on point). Black and white people love him.

I’m speaking of…

…Justin Timberlake (with an assist from Timbaland).

Okay, I see you all looking at me like I’m crazy. But follow me.

Who doesn’t like Justin Timberlake? I mean really. He managed to not only successfully move on past being in a fruity-cum-fruity boy band (albeit the most successful one) but he did so AND gained a gazillion Black fans in the process.

He’s also banging Jessica Biel which gets him so many points. She’s hot.

Justin has worked with Beyonce (which totally elevated the song “Until The End of Time” to magnanimous heights), Three 6 Mafia, the Clipse, 50 Cent and has slept with Cameron Diaz, Britney Spears, Jessica Biel, and numerous other white chicks.

Do you see what this means? It means that even the most gangsta of knuccas will listen to him and all the white girls will too. That’s who we need in order to bring about racial harmony. Kumbaya isn’t but a dream anymore kiddies. It’s a possibility.

Even Black women love him, though they all think he’s gay. But hell, that helps too. Anybody that will listen. And despite the fallout from Nipplegate, he totally got to touch Janet Jackson’s nipple.

How many people can say they got to do that?

Aside from El Debarge and JD probably not that many people. Granted, I don’t exactly want to touch it now as it’s aged quite a bit, but it’s still Janet Jackson’s ta-ta. That speaks to something.

Justin Timberlake makes songs for all people. He speaks for everybody and makes sure to provide us with what we need in the process. He brought sexy back despite me never letting it go in the first place, but he did it with flair so I gave him a pass. And be real, most of us thought “Sexyback” was an asstastic mess when it dropped, but still, we loved it because it was Justin.

If Justin can bring all the white girls to the table, the white men will follow eventually. Where there’s pussy, there is desire for pussy. The gangsta dudes will make all the wannabe gangsta knuccas (namely the rest of us) want to come to the table of equity. Justin could then broker a deal that would result in racial harmony for one…for all.

If JT keeps singing his little heart away and Timbaland continues to guide his heart with help from Danja Handz, then nothing but good can come for mankind.

If Justin decided tomorrow that he wanted racial harmony, then by George, it would be. That’s the power of the curly haired chap from Memphis. He reaches us all.

Let us all reach back.

Seriously, I don’t understand her appeal.

For years now, Alicia Keys has been a media darling and musical phenom, ad nauseum. Anytime she releases an album, pundits and fans alike adore and browbeat one another for the chance to praise and adorn her with accolades aplenty.

In short, everbody loves Alicia Keys and I honestly have no clue why. I’ve tried to get it. Can she sing? Well sure…she has an alright voice though I wouldn’t exactly place her anywhere near the upper echelon of singers. Face it. Mariah Carey she ain’t.

She plays the piano but whoopty-damn do. For the large part her albums don’t rely much on her piano abilities. Most of her songs are hip-hop influenced if anything with replayed or interpolated samples. Sure they have some piano influence in them…

…but so do a lot of my own beats and I can’t play the piano for shit.

Though I totally murder Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.

I. Just. Kill. That.

Alicia Keys get acting roles and to be honest, her role in Smoking Aces was the first time I’d ever found myself mentioning how attractive she is. Granted, I’d never kick her out of the bed under any circumstances but that makes her no more hot than anybody else.

Though, have you seen her on the cover of Complex magazine…watered down? Good googly moogly. I have said before and will repeat again that wet women look so much hotter than dry women. If you are a marginally attractive chick who rates like a 6 on the Dude Scale, go run under some sprinklers and always walk around like looking like you live under a rain cloud. You’re going to rate at least at a 7 at that point. And you can date 7′s.

Sixes? You just schlump them.

Back to the lecture at hand. Alicia Keys is light and brite so perhaps thats part of her draw as we all know racially ambiguous chilidren are much easier to market than children of the sun. But overall, I honestly don’t get it.

I have all of her albums and none of them was any better than most albums on the market. Songs In A Minor was alright, but I can only think of maybe 3 songs that I liked including the single, “Fallin’”. I liked “Butterfly” but I can’t even remember the name of the other joint I liked.

Diary was, eh…alright I guess. The only songs I liked were the single “You Don’t Know My Name” (which was largely piano influenced but was also a sampled piano by Kanye West) and “The Diary”. I can’t honestly even remember what the rest of the album sounds like.

So she’s not a first rate singer, doesn’t have albums that will be remembered 20 years from now, and is attractive but not in a “I want to sex you down on sight” kind of way. She’s like an upgraded version of Brandy except Brandy had some actual good entire albums (like Full Moon). She’s clearly a better songwriter than Beyonce, but hell, who isn’t?

Difference is that Beyonce’s popularity I can understand. She’s an ultimate performer. And she makes intentionall catchy pop music to appeal to the masses without any shade of personality. That’s how you bring folks in. However, Alicia Keys songs are apparently full of “integrity” or something. I don’t know.

Perhaps I’m a hater. However, I don’t care. She’s no more talented than anybody else and her albums are no better than anybody else…

…so why does everybody love them some damn Alicia Keys?

And “No One” is not a good song. You can disagree, but you will be wrong.

I was reading an article on vh1 a few weeks back regarding T.I. and his whole army-guns problem and in this article Wyclef Jean made a statement akin to this:

“The way people listen and respond to T.I. when he talks is like Malcolm X…”

Yeah. Okay.

I’d like to call on a moratorium in the Black community on anybody saying that anybody is like Malcolm X. Funny how nobody ever claims somebody is like Martin. The only person to do that said that he, himself, was like Martin. And that was Benzino.

Yeah, that Benzino.

But you know what? I’m bored. What the hell, let’s run with T.I. being like Malcolm. Let’s see if we can figure out ways they are a alike, k?

Let’s see. Ah, Malcolm X went to jail. So did T.I. Malcolm X became an orator and person of immense influence and respect. Well, T.I. has kind of got that. I mean he ain’t speaking nothing that’s going to get him on the government radar…

…unless you count the taped conversations being used against him in his whole “I’ve got guns to take out North Korea” small problem.

Oh…both of them managed to wake up in the morning. Well, until Malcolms untimely death in 1965. Yeah, I’m kind of reaching with that one but then again so was Wyclef by even making any kind of reference to Malcolm X in regards to T.I. Look, T.I. doesn’t move mountains or make me want to do anything more than listen to his music. Even after his last ass-sandwich of an album, I’ll still listen. Though at this point I’m not sure why.

Of course, by the time T.I. gets out of jail, he’ll be too old to matter anymore. Though Jay has managed to still be relevant despite being 37 years of age.

LL Cool J? Not so much. Even his high-heeled fans don’t care about him anymore.

In my humble opinion, the last real rapper of any significance to mirror Malcolm was Ice Cube. And that shit went clean out the window by the time Lethal Injection came around. AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted and Death Certificate Cube? Hell yeah. Even I was afraid of Ice Cube back then. He really seemed like the angriest nigga alive and more dangerously, the most awake nigga alive too. Shit, I wanted to be Ice Cube like so many folks want to be Malcolm X.

Except nobody is Malcolm. ESPECIALLY not no dumb nigga like T.I. And yes, hoarding guns is DUMB when there’s a chance you can go to jail for it. Further, why the fuck do you have military assault weaponry? I mean, being an ATLien, and similarly a Westsider, I understand how folks get down on our side of town. But damn, a .45 will do just as well. Got damn Calicos and rocket launchers are just unnecessary.

I mean really. Where the hell do you put shit like that anyway? Hammer pants are out of style so you can’t hid the Calico in those. Maybe some gauchos. Yeah, I can see that.

These loose ass analogies we make to legends in the Black community are just terrible. Further, they’re like one man deep. When was the last time you heard a nigga get referenced to W.E.B. Du Bois? Shit, when was the last time you met somebody who didn’t go to college who knew who he was? Or A. Phillip Randolph.

Niggas know Project Pat though. Damn shame, too. Though I don’t like reading The Souls of Black Folks either. Makes for a hell of an album title though, dontchathink?

As you can tell, I really had no purpose other than to say: Wyclef must have lost his rabid ass mind thinking that motherfucking T.I. even compares to Malcolm X aside from the fact that both of them niggas are ya know, Black.

And also, sadatay.

Thank you and good night.

That Lauryn Hill, what a prophet.

Today’s post is being brought to you by the good people of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises and the letter W.

Followed by the letter T. And not so far behind, the letter F.

Put it together class and what do you get?? WTF.

As in the what the fuck was Fantasia thinking when she wrote some of the shit that is on her newest album, the self-titled Fantasia?

Despite that question, I find myself feeling warmed by her album.

Do you know why I appreciate artists like Fantasia (and similarly people like Jagged Edge or Mary J. Blige, during the Great Crackskapades of the early to mid 90s)? I love them because they do not run away from their inner-ghetto. You see, so many of us el Negroes try to hide from the fact that we do indeed possess ghetto bones.

I have some. Do you? It’s okay. In fact, anybody with ghetto bones, please, with a show of hands…show yourself!

*hands a-waving*

Ahh…the smell of truth.

Being the ghetto queen that Fantasia apparently is (down to the inordinate education), she has decided that she was going to make an album for her people. What people would that be? The same people who actually found her song “B.A.B.Y.M.A.M.A.” to be a rallying cry and an endearing, honorable tribute to the single, un-wed mother.

Not that there is anything wrong with being a single, un-wed mother. Then again, there is a hell of a difference between being a babymama and a single mother. Color me ignorant, but it seems that Fantasia made it okay (once again, to her fans) to aspire to be a baby mama whereas a single mother would usually rather not be in that situation. But once again, color me ignorant.

And then color me bad. Ohhh…beeeeeeeehave.

On her newest magnum opus, Fantasia has a song entitled “Uneligible”.

I’d like to take a quick smokebreak, so please re-read that last sentence as many times as you need.

*smokebreak*

If you’re anything like me, you probably looked at that word a few times before calmly asking yourself, “is that a word?”

Then, I briskly walked to my dictionary to check. Nope…in fact, I’m about to go look at my office dictionary right now.

Hold, please.

*holding*

Nope, not in my office dictionary. It goes from unedited to unemotional. But you know what I did find?

Ineligible.

A one letter variance, but a signficant one nonetheless. Which begs the question…two questions actually: why not just use the word ineligible?; and why doesn’t she have any friends who tell her better?

Oh, she answers that on the album’s last song, “Bump What Ya Friends Say”.

Well, okay then.

You’ve really got to love songs like that don’t you? The song “Uneligible” is about the good men who all seem to be “uneligible.” Ooh, ooh, I have a question!!!

Since she refers to her men as uneligible, does that actually make them uneligible? Perhaps there is some subtle distinction between ineligible and uneligible…perhaps her men just ain’t available (hence, uneligible) whereas ineligible men are just not qualified!!!

Perhaps Fantasia is the smart one. She’s done gone and created a new word, probably by accident since I don’t actually respect her mind. Sad, I know.

But until she can read one of my posts I stand by my statement.

Ouch.

What I do appreciate about her new album is that she really holds nothing back. For instance, here are some of the song titles: “I Nominate U” (c’mon, don’t we all really want to be nominated for something??), “Baby Makin’ Hips” (you laugh, but I love me a woman with baby makin’ hips), “Two Weeks Notice” (not sure how this really applies to her people since most of them are probably fans of being babymamas and probably work at places that a two week notice probably ain’t all that necessary, let alone a two minute notice).

Ouch again.

I’m mean.

Then there’s that guaranteed hot shit, “Bore Me (Yawn)”. I actually have to give Fantasia a lot of credit here. People often give you song titles, but when was the last time people gave you the intransitive verb to go with their song title?

Did Babyface? How much better is this song title: “Every Time I Close My Eyes (Blink)”?

Or “There She Goes (Point)”?

Clearly, he’s not as forward thinking as Fantasia.

And the entire album makes sense because her first single is “Hood Boy”, a sort of double entendre since clearly she needs a hood boy, and it’s also apparently who she mad the album for, the “hood, boy”.

Deep. Perhaps I do respect her mind. A broke clock may be right only twice a day, but when it’s right, it’s right.

Mind you, a lot of this stuff is actually pretty good, music-wise, and she can sing despite the fact that I pretty much don’t like her voice at all. What’s really funny is that for every person I’ve mentioned that she has as song called “Uneligible”, every body thinks its okay because Fantasia apparently isn’t the scholar we all pray for.

And she can’t read, though I’m inclined to believe that she’s probably made headway in that deparment since her admission. Which if I’m not mistaken was during the “writing” of her book. Dictaphone never had it so good!

All in all, I appreciate Fantasia for what she brings to the table. Unapologetic ignorance. She exists to make me realize that people like us do have a place in the world. For me, it’s at the table with lawmakers and hookers, for her it’s at the library, but there is a place nonetheless.

Irregardless of what we may all think, Fantasia is finna do things her way. And through her, we are all connectededed.

She is us and we are her.

Thank you Fantasia for keeping it real and damn you to Hell for causing a whole new generation of little ninjas who will undoubtedly think that the word “uneligible” is actually real and okay since it’s a song that I think women who can’t find a good man will be drawn towards.

Thank you Fantasia, for not crossing over but bringing the suburbs to the ‘hood.

I believe it was the great prophet and soothsayer, Big Daddy Kane, who uttered the now famous words:

“…stick a quarter in your ass cuz you played yourself…”

Deep.

Deep.

Those words are like a no smoking sign on your cigarette break or the free ride, when you’ve already paid. Some would say those things are ironic. Me, I say those things mean you don’t read. Usually there are signs up that let you know all the information that you need to know.

Myself and Ace of Base? We saw the signs.

Thus brings us to one Jay Jenkins, better known as Young Jeezy, your favorite trapper’s favorite trapper, from Atlanta, by way of Macon, Georgia.

Young Jeezy is an idiot. If you have any time, please listen to this interview he conducted with Monie Love on a Philadelphia radio station. It is well worth it.

Radio Interview with Young Jeezy and Monie Love [spotted via Nah Right]

In this interview, myriad things are discussed: Lil Wayne’s comments about Jay-Z, hip-hop being dead, international relations and diplomacy, global warming, Tolstoy and the novel Crime and Punishment.

Okay, only the first two things were actually discussed.

I could be showing my age here, but I’ll just attempt to show all of your ages too. How many people here know who Monie Love is?

*lots of raised hands*

Oooh, oooh, better question. Who here knows better than to get into an argument with a Black woman??

*everybody’s hand (all nationalities, races, creeds) should be raised*

Let’s discuss how you lose an argument, like an idiot.

Ever since Nas decided to name his album Hip-Hop Is Dead, the streets have been abuzz with people debating that theory. This was either a brilliant marketing ploy by Nas to get everybody talking about him or just dumb luck. Well, the Youngest of Jeezy’s gets roped into a conversation about hip hop being dead.

He disagrees. Fine. And truthfully, call me an elitist or whatever, but why anybody would debate with Jeezy about hip-hop being dead is beyond me. I mean this is the same dude who rhymes words like “John Madden” with…

…John Madden. Or my personal favorite line of his, “…speaking of pockets, mine got the mumps…”

Pure poetry right there, my friend. Pure poetry.

But Jeezy decides that this is an argument he wants because apparently he has some feelings about this whole hip-hop is dead quagmire that so many artists are facing today. You see, Jeezy, though having said he’s not a rapper but a hustler who raps, has taken this personally. Somehow, he feels like Nas has made a personal affront to him or other rappers of his ilk. Ego much? He doesn’t say it so much as its implied from his tone.

Or maybe Monie Love just got to him and he started talking reckless off the dome because he didn’t have time to think. Who knows…either way, Youngest of Jeezy’s…this is your life.

And this is how you lose an argument. Monie Love posits that the concept of hip-hop is dead since hip-hop, as it were, was more inclusive and just one area didn’t get shine (as is now with the crack-rap, drug dealer turned rapper, bling-bling, crap rap) as happens now.

Jeezy feels that hip-hop isn’t dead…its just a new day and time with a new movement. Rap is for the kids. Rap is here to sell records.

Wu-Tang is (also) for the kids.

But uh oh…Jeezy fucks it all up and starts down the wrong road by asking Monie where she’s from (which would be London). He seems to be asking as if that where she’s from would make her perspective of rap completely different.

Nevermind that this is Monie Love of Native Tongues fame. The same Monie Love who’s been rapping for years and years. In the United States. With cats from the same streets that Jeezy probably claims to respect.

Somehow, Jeezy interprets Nas saying hip-hop is dead, and Monie Love saying that hip-hop is dead as them saying that they don’t respect Jeezy’s craft. Umm…nobody said that.

Poor Jeezy, because then he goes the route that so many misguided youth go when they misunderstand or take things too personally regarding hip-hop. You see, Jeezy, in his defense of hip-hop (and his role in hip-hop) being alive goes straight for the worst two arguments in history:

1) (Nas’ first week) record sales; and

2) (Nas’) street credibility.

Two things that have jack shit to do with hip-hop on their own. Yes, in today’s day and age, we do care about record sales. Even the hip-hop heroes of yore are complaining that they’re not selling millions. Nevermind that they’re making shitty albums or that they’re selling what they’ve always sold.

But umm…the focus on record sales is KIND OF the problem. And yes I’m fully aware that hip-hop is more business than artistry at this point.

Same goes for street-credibility. Umm…who really cares. If you’re the hardest, most connected, dude in the street, but you suck as a rapper *coughJeezycough* who the fuck cares. And that doesn’t define hip-hop either. Hell, A Tribe Called Quest weren’t any street hard niggas but I’d bet that Jeezy wouldn’t go saying they weren’t hip-hop.

Plus, Nas has never been out here talking about “busting guns” as Jeezy says. Unless I missed that album.

(I didn’t.)

Thing is, this idiot is PROVING her point for her. There’s only one school of thought from most people nowadays (well the youngsters) and that’s street cred and record sales. That’s what makes you a legit rapper. And that’s exactly what Monie Love was getting at…that is not hip-hop as it was. My favorite part of the interview is whoever is in the background that says: “because THAT’S hip-hop!” sarcastically as Jeezy rattles off about Nas’ street credibility, or lack thereof.

I heart her.

And let’s clear this up. Jeezy is not a good rapper. Never was. He’s a catchy rapper. Jeezy is syphillis. Fuckin’ around long enough with the shit that’s out there (all the wack ass music out now) and you just might catch something (Jeezy). But when you finally get tested (actually start listening to the music and what he’s saying) you want a cure (ANYTHING is better than Jeezy at this point being as his new album is a 2 dollar ho).

Jeezy is a product of our times. His first album sold well because he was “different”. At this point, I have no idea what his appeal is. Between him and Rick Ross, if it wasn’t for catchy beats, they’d pretty much be obsolete ass negroes. But even I listened for a minute and was caught up. He’s a master marketer. Ad-libs, catchy hooks and banging beats and wham! Jeezy did the same thing that 50 said The Game did. Average rapping over great production (The Documentary) and by George Michael, you have an instant hit.

Let me also add this, I’m not an elitist, nothing-but-the-old-school, backpack rap enthusiast who thinks Lupe Fiasco is the second coming of Jesus for rap music. In fact, I do not like Lupe Fiasco. I like commercial stuff just as much as I like “underground” and I don’t think hip-hop is dead. But it aint my debate, it’s Jeezy versus Monie Love.

Jeezy sounds like so many southern rappers nowadays who are taking everything personal. Granted, a lot of rappers from NY have been hating on the South…but its because they aren’t selling and they’re bitter. Oh well, NY needs to get the fuck over it. And make better music. But these niggas can’t take everything so personal either. For fuck’s sake Jeezy, nobody said they didn’t respect your craft (well I think you suck, but nobody asked me)…Monie pointed out that rap isn’t what it used to be…and who hasn’t said that?

“All these rappers sound the same…” or “everything out now is the same ole same ole…”

Any fan, including most rappers, has said that at some point.

Oh well, Young Jeezy has morphed himself into an idiot and he totally lost an argument by not thinking. He even capped it off by walking out, which is also known as the ultimate bitch move…oh well…

Since Nas started this, I think it’s only right that Nas finishes it. Young Jeezy, you’ve just been…

…ethered.

Today’s post is sponsored by Allhiphop and it’s famous and unfuckwitable rumors section.

*applause*

Allhiphop is the first website I check everyday after I turn my computer on. Before I get to my personal email or even my work email. Some things are just more important than communicating with people you’d rather not actually speak to. I always read the latest on which rapper got arrested or shot (sometimes both) or what other strange goings on are permeating the rap community and then it’s straight to the rumors section because there is ALWAYS something interesting. And yes, they are rumors, but let’s just do what everybody else in America does, ignore the facts and just pretend its all true.

With that in mind, we are going to analyze the rumors section of Allhiphop.com today. Allons-y.

Rumors in italics.

JD AND JANET ON THE ROCKS?

This is getting to be a lil’ tired – you know, people anticipating the death of a couple’s relationship. Here were are…talking about it. There’s some talk that Janet now has nobody to look out for her interests at Virgin now that JD has quit his high-post position over there. He quit, because he was riding for her ��� corporate protest. You know, he produced 20 Y.O. and sales were under-whelming. So, now Janet is reportedly talking with her old producers Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis to get her on track? I don’t know, but that���s the word! Anyway, the chasm widens, according to rumors, but I think they will be OK. They have stuck by each other through thick and thin – literally! Anyway, they were at the Billboard Awards together looking happy!

Hmm…in the event that the two of them are actually on the rocks, I’d like to refer to a quote I like to read from time to time:

“…sometimes the business end of this shit can turn your friends against you…” ~ Dr. Dre “What’s The Difference” 2001

Nothing ruins a relationship like finances and fucking with one’s career. Cheating…eh…folks get over that. But you mess with their money? Crikey. Thing is, Janet’s album 20 Y.O. was not just a commercial flop, it completely sucked. I listened to it. I know asstastic music when I hear it. Janet Jackson, meet your destiny. She tried to let JD do it, and truth be told, that’s her fault, but I’m sure he convinced her that if he could save Mariah Carey then one nipple couldn’t stop him from saving Janet’s career too. Um…no. Thing is, weren’t Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis on this album too?? I know Janet is an entertainer, but the people have spoken…we want Bush out, Democrats in and nobody really gives a shit about Janet anymore. We’ll all just listen to Rhythm Nation or Janet and be done with it. Buh-bye.

Though you have to wonder, had Janet released an album right after Nipplegate, do you think it would have sold well? Is she the only artist that controversy doesn’t help?

MORE DIVORCE ON THE HORIZON?

Y’all know, I believe in the power of love, even if I don’t feel the love from people these days. At any rate, I don’t want to see Madonna go through a divorce, but rumor has it her marriage with Guy Ritchie is on the rocks. Word has it, the pair have done the necessary work and gotten a counselor to mend the rift. Apparently, Madonna’s very public and controversial adoption of an African baby boy has caused some tension in the house. Now, it���s not the boy, but rather how Madonna acts around him as the rumored source of beef. I wish them the best, especially for their other two kids.

Yeah, so I kind of don’t care. Then again, you just have to wonder about all of these celebrities picking off little African babies. Hell, there are plenty of needy little Black babies in America if there thing is babies of color. I’m not completely sure how I feel about this yet, but something ain’t right.

50 CENT & G-UNIT DROPPED?!?!

As you may or may not know, there’s a crazy rumor running around that 50 Cent, Eminem, G-Unit and even Shady Records were all getting the ax by Jimmy Iovine! Now, I admit I heard some things and even heard some of the names of the artists, but this rumor was getting crazy. Anyway, I heard it���s not true and that 50 Cent and the crew aren’t going anywhere just yet. They can’t ’til I get my MOP album. But, other cuts might be coming… its not hardly safe ��� TRUST! With a double album coming out, is it possible that 50 Cent is planning to defect? Just a question.

Is the 50 Dynasty crumbling? This rumor has already been confirmed as false by an Interscope executive but let’s think on this. Clearly, 50′s acts aren’t exactly top shelf anymore. Perhaps its oversaturation or perhaps people have finally realized that short of 50 and Young Buck, every G-Unit album has, for lack of a better term, sucked. People who like G-Unit albums tell me they like LOX albums…and they suck too. Now let’s be clear, 50 Cent ain’t getting dropped. That’s in nobody’s best interest at Interscope. And the inability to drop 50 means you can’t drop his G-Unit roster…but he managed to make Mobb Deep irrelevant. Which, as we all know, is a feat unto itself. It ain’t like anybody was really checking for a new Mobb Deep album anyway but you’d think the added firepower of 50 would help. Not so much. And I’d like to put out an APB on M.O.P. Them niggas just can’t catch a break I swear.

FREE M.O.P.

That’s my new cause in life. Right after I jump back onto the “Reincarcerate Yayo” bandwagon that some genius started a few years ago. That person is my hero.

But how fuckin’ amazing would it be to see 50 Cent’s entire empire crumble. Don’t they already sell G-Unit shit damn near exclusively at Marshall’s and TJ Maxx…which ain’t a knock. But I just bought a suit, 10 shirts, 20 ties, and a partridge and a pear tree from there for 19.99. Granted, it was Kenneth Kohl but still.

BE A FATHER – IF NOT WHY BOTHER?

Remember Eddie Murphy and Scary Spice. They were going on vacations together and their kids were playing together. Now, rumor has it, the Spice girl is pregnant and Eddie did a ghost move. According to tmz, this dude is questioning the paternity of the lil’ bun in the oven! When an interviewer asked if he was happy with Mel B, he said, “You’re being presumptuous, because we’re not together anymore. And I don’t know whose child that is, until it comes out and has a blood test. You shouldn’t jump to conclusions, sir.” That’s word to Ed OG.

“He’s a NIIIIIIIIIGGER…HE’S A NIGGGGGGGGGGER”

What?

LIL��� WAYNE MAD?

He also reportedly dissed The Clipse and Pharrell too. I wonder if he’ll take it back on the radio.

Has Lil Wayne lost his fuckin’ mind? So let me get this right. You’re going to get pissed off at the nigga who’s style you straight SWAGGER JACKED??? Isn’t that a violation of Rappin’ 101?? How can you claim to be better than the nigga you owe your entire livelihood to? Especially when you’re kind of not better. This brings up another point too…

…the fuck is this? Dis-That-Nigga Jay Month? Good got damn. Raekwon, LL Cool J, Lil Wayne, Jim Jones (though I am enjoying that one…I’d like them to keep that one up), and POTENTIALLY even Bow Wow? Come the fuck on. I know LL Cool J got beef since he feels like Jay ain’t getting behind his projects…then again, I wonder if LL has even heard his own shit. His albums are fuckin’ horrible nowadays. Promotion wouldn’t save those. If LL didn’t look like he does women wouldn’t buy his albums (which apparently has stopped happening).

LL Cool J…you suck now. Give it up. Plus, you’re too easy a target for Jay. Hell, he wouldn’t even have to do a song, he could just do a press conference and show up with your last, like 5 albums, put them on display, throw up his hands and he’d be declared the victor. People think Kingdom Come is bad…okay…but damn LL, people don’t even OWN your albums anymore.

Raekwon…yeah, until he manages to put out an actual good album this decade (Only Built For Cuban Links is over 10 years old now…hmmm, one hot album every 10 year average, anyone?) he can shut the fuck up too. In fact, all these niggas need to be easy. In my opinion, Jay needs to just do a song called “Like Father, Like Son” and just take Lil Wayne down a notch or two since, ya know, he BIRTHED that nigga’s whole persona and style.

I hate Black people sometimes.

I think I’ll just stop there.

It is a sad day here at Jackson G. Tickle Headquarters. It is a day unlike any other day which means its a day unlike yesterday, which would fall squarely in the realm of any other day.

It is a day where change must occur. Some people say change is good. But for me, change is sad. Change tends to require you to thrive on the memories. I don’t like living on the memories, but alas, there is nothing else that can be done.

You see, today, I’m different.

The core of my being is different than it was yesterday. It is still a core full of sexx appeal. For I am as sexxy today as I was yesterday, if not more. But I am still different today for I have seen something that has caused my world to shift.

My world now exists as if Pluto is no longer a planet.

Oh…right.

Today, I’d like to sadly announce the passing of a JGT great. A legend amongst legends. Now this is not a passing as if into the afterlife. No, she does not live in my lap. This is a passing of the torch. It is the moment where one person no longer holds the crown that they once held. It is with great humility that I must bid adieu to Christina Milian as the woman I’d give my spleen and for whom I’d drink her bathwater…for there is a new bather in town.

I must now resort to drinking somebody else’s bathwater.

But first, for the good times…here are some pictures of Christina Milian that made me smile…*sniffle*:

(Whatever YOU want Christina…whatever YOU want I got it!)

(Here’s looking at you Christina…at you!!!)

(So classy…this one’s for the good times, Christina!)

(This is how I see you in my dreams…nearly twice a week…so sad…)

Christina, myself and Whitney Houston (and Dolly Parton) will always love you. It’s not you, it’s me.

Actually it’s her…let me officially introduce you to the newest fanatical crush I’ve surrended to in my life. She’s fine like no other and much like Christina, her real talent aside from being hot has yet to be shown. But she snagged her a white man that can sing so that must count for something right (Robin Thicke, anyone)?

Paula Patton, you are my new Queen. Christina is fine, but you wore the HELL out of that dress in the Idlewild movie, which despite being strange was enjoyable and aesthetically pleasing.

But YOU, girl YOU, are the most aesthetically pleasing thing I’ve seen in quite sometime. So what you got voted out in Round 1 of our October Madness Tournament…I’ll bet it won’t happen again.

Paula, you can live in my lap (or die) any time you want!

Ten points and a pack of Cherry Kool-aid for anybody who can tell me which ’90′s movie I just referenced.

So what you’re IMDB page is more blank than a sterile 98 year old…you are beautiful and we all know it.

Thank you for living and being fine. You make me smile like Shanice.

(That’s right…look right into my soul…into my love for you!)

(You even look fine in the early ’90s video poses!!! Who else can really pull that off?? Surely not Mary J.)

(Girl, you’re even fine at work…I work with women, they all look like they’re working. You?? You like like you’re fine!)

(Just stand there and look like you do…I’ll wait…take them pictures girl…take ‘em)

(This is how I came to know and love you…thank you Outkast for making my life better…loved the soundtrack, babe…totally!)

Yes, the changing of the guard has been officially officialized. I’d like to welcome everybody to Paula Patton, the new object of my celebrity affection. And to Christina, you’ll never be forgotten, and truthfully, I’ll probably still dream about you (if that’s okay).

Shoutouts to the homie, Eagle-Eye Johnny Kwest for pinning her amazing fineness during her 3.5 second appearance in the movie Hitch. To this day nobody remembers her from there, but you saw the potential…and we are all better off for it.

To Paula…welcome to my heart.

…when I’m busting my ass at work like I’m a real employee.

Somebody must have told them wrong. Actually, somebody must have told me wrong since I’m up here working my ass off.

Anyway, a thought occured to me while watching television a few nights ago.

Before I get to that, have you been watching Grey’s Anatomy? I’m not usually into medical shows or anything but my little sister got me hooked around Christmas and I’ve been a fanatic ever since. Man, that’s a good show. Last night was the 2 hour season finale and it was great, but man, the prelude to the 2 hour season finale on Sunday? Geez Louise. That had me on the edge of my seat. I don’t know all the characters real names, but the chick that plays Izzie (sp?) seriously kicked up her Hollywood potential with her rendition of a schizophrenic, nucking-futs, over the top, love-struck, dumb-struck, dire-straits, reverse Florence Nightingale syndromed potential woman scorned.

Man, somebody needs to get her some more acting roles, STAT. If you haven’t seen it, somebody has that joint Tivo’d or DVR’d or for the archaics amongst us, VCR’d. That was good television.

Now back to my question. I was watching Bill Maher’s show on HBO on Sunday and I noticed that he had Cornel West, some politician-looking white guy (I can’t remember for the life of me who it was) and John Legend.

Yes, John Legend.

I watched part of the show and it got me to thinking…why in the hell do some of these entertainers agree to go on the show? For one, unless you are SERIOUSLY up on shit, you aren’t going to be able to get in any good arguments or anything worth debating edgewise. Regardless of your opinion of him, Bill Maher is sharp, and often times, so are his guests.

But sometimes, some of the entertainers he brings on don’t have jack shit to contribute. Such was the case with John Legend. This is not to say that these entertainers aren’t capable of gunnin’ with the politicians, political wonks, and policy analysts, but a lot of times, they just…

…can’t.

I remember Chris Rock was on there once and you could tell he was completely outgunned. As in didn’t have a single thing to offer. And I’m a huge fan of his, but the problem is that Bill Maher and his guests, more often than not, dig into the weeds on stuff and discuss shit that unless you read the Wall Street Journal, the New York Times, and any and all things coming out of Washington, you will have nothing to contribute and will just be sitting there nodding your head trying to keep up. I’ve seen it time and time again with entertainers. In fact, one of the few to go on the show that could not only keep up with the big dogs but put the big dogs on edge was, Ben Affleck.

I know, let that marinate. He isn’t the best actor, but he knows his politics. I have to give credit where credit is due.

So I just wonder, if you’re an entertainer that actually watches the show and you get asked to come on, and you arent so big into politics and the like, why in Sam Hill would you put yourself in a position to look like a deer caught in headlights? And I know a lot of these entertainers are smart, trust me I do. But it’s one thing to be smart, it’s a total different animal to attempt to get into a heated intellectual discourse with the most cynical, yet sharp man on TV this side of Jon Stewart. And most entertainers just aren’t that political. Puffy included. They are entertainers. We pay them to make us feel better about ourselves, not make us smarter.

Nobody wanted to hear Chris Rock say, “I”m just pissed that gas cost so much” the (at least) 10 times he said it.

Just a thought…but why walk into a gunfight with a slingshot and some split pea soup?

PlayStation: Heather Headley’s song “In My Mind” is the worst written great song of the past 10 years.

PS 2: Bill Cosby is at it again. At Spelman College (my favorite place) he told the women they need to take over since most black men are in jail. You have to love it when he shoots from the hip. Good times.

PS 3 (Coming Soon): This was way longer than it should have been. The sad part is that it took me like 8 minutes to come up with and type all of that. I really am longwinded. I’m also…well, you know the rest.