Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

Pat Buchanan was on Bill Maher’s show yesterday (or whenever it was taped) speaking about immigration and the emergency that America faces if we don’t do something to shore up our immigration policy.

Now, I usually don’t find myself agreeing with Pat Buchanan but perhaps I was feeling “patriotic” or something yesterday because he was making some good points and had me believing that if we don’t close up the border that aliens will come into our great nation and evaporate all of our resources.

Okay, that’s not true at all and I’m still not sure how I feel about immigration but he did make some compelling arguments against illegal immigration.

And since I’m a direct product of immigration, I tend to pay attention at times.

One of Buchanan’s points was that 1 in 12 of these 12 million illegal immigrants (that’s a lot) are criminals and succumb to a rap culture and a violent culture, hence causing them to commit more crimes.

Woe is me, there we go with the blame game again. And for the first time I wasn’t even mad about it. Rap culture is everything that’s wrong with American society as it encompases all the other wrongs. You need prostitution? Rap game has it. Gunplay? Rap game has it. Oversexxed black males? Rap game has it.

So fuck it, blame rap for everything. Cool.

As long as from here on out, I get to blame all of rap’s problems on slavery and white people.

Yep, fuckin’ right.

And let’s be real, when white people blame rap music, they’re really blaming Black culture. Argue that if you want. You’re thesis will be rejected.

The next time I hear somebody blame anything on rap music, I’m going to turn right back around and say its all white people’s fault for enslaving a bunch of ninjas so many years ago and making us have to rap.

Stupid? Definitely. Clearly we don’t have to rap. But fuck it. We do. But its also stupid to blame all social ills on rap and rappers, like Tupac made somebody rob you. Being broke mad that ninja rob you, Tupac just gave him the theme music to do so.

It’s gotten so easy and cliche to blame shit on rap music that it sounds like an automatic response. Politicians, pastors, teachers, researchers, etc…they all have managed to find some way to blame rap for whatever ill of society occurs this week. There have been shoddy “scientific” studies that say people who listen to rap music are more violent, have sex more, use drugs more, blah blah blah.

Okay.

Slavery.

Yep, that even includes white folks because there can’t be slaves without slaveowners. My argument is that the descendents of slaveowners who were out there sneaking to rape black women secretly love Black shit so those are the ones who get so caught up in Black culture now. Which would include, this violent, misogynistic rap culture that promotes the same values that the slaveowners exacted into their slaves so long ago.

Yep.

Slavery.

I remember once that I was walking around southwest DC and these two white boys who quite obviously only listen to rap music drove by blasting their terrible rap music loud as the fuck. It was like 1pm on a Tuesday. I saw a bunch of white folks (and black folks actually) looking with disgust as these two fuckers serenaded the entire working district with their overworked subwoofers.

I got to thinking, “I wonder if these white folks think this is all Black people’s fault because of rap music?”

I’d wager yes.

However, had they said anything about it out loud, I would have been well within my right mind to say, “you can blame the rap music and us ninjas, but it’s your fault for putting us in a position to be status hogs and have to wear our success on our sleeves since you took everything we ever had back in the 16, 17, and 1800’s. Oh yes, let’s not forget the 1900’s either since we just STARTED to be ABLE to be integrated into white society. Though I do love how racism has managed to erase itself from the American psyche in such a short amount of time, don’t you?”

Word to Bob Jones University.

I love how this country is so quick to pretend like slavery was such a thing of the past and that what was started back then stopped in 1865 when slavery was “abolished”. If you bring up slavery, white folks (some, not all, let me be very clear on that) are quick to tell you that it wasn’t them so they shouldn’t be held accountable for the actions of their ancestors. Fair point.

But if motherfuckers can still be rich off cotton money, then why is it that other motherfuckers can’t still be poor because of it?

So yes, the next time somebody wants to blame Curtis Jackson, I’m blaming Stonewall Jackson.

God Bless America.

“This Philly cat back it…” ~ Beanie Sigel, “Guess Who’s Bizzack” from Scarface’s album, The Fix

Bill Cosby is back at it again.

Actually, I assume he never stopped and has been travelling the country pissing off black people left and right with his chastising of those in the Black community that he feels simply aren’t doing their part.

Well, he’s gone to taking shots at the hip-hop community…finally.

I say finally because it seems slightly perplexing to me that after all of his thousands of rants and raves (and illegitimate children) across the nation, he seems to have left hip-hop alone. There has been little mention of how horrible rap music is or how denigrating it is to Black women or how violent it is.

I mean, c’mon Bill, even white people know that rap music is to blame for all the country’s ills. Which makes me wonder how out of touch he really is.

I know I’m making a leap here, but seriously, when discussing how fucked up the inner city is, EVERYBODY takes shots at rap. Rappers take shots at hip-hop. White people, Jewish people, Dominicans, aliens…

…pastors, bakers, candlestick makers, cobblers, wobblers, librarians…

…Presidents, Vice Presidents, Mexicans…

…well you get the point.

They all take shots at hip-hop.

For fuck’s sake, Bill…how is it possible that you completely missed out on assigning blame for the ills of Black people to the culprit that causes the Black community to devolve into the guntoting, pound-cake stealing, non-reading bastards that we are? Especially when so many of your contemporaries never miss an opportunity to do so.

Which leads me to two possible conclusions: 1) he actually doesn’t think hip-hop is that much of a problem and is more concerned about the root cause of the issue; or…

STOP!

This just in: Bill Cosby Addresses Absentee Fathers and Criticizes Hip-Hop (click on link to go to Allhiphop.com article)

Oh well.

So the only other conclusion I have is this, 2) Bill Cosby hasn’t been paying attention and finally turned on either BET or MTV or the radio or just so happened to be listening to some shit a grandchild or somebody played and was offended and decided to attack hip-hop now as well.

There is no way in 7th Hell that you can go years chastising the “lower dredges” of Black society without criticizing rap unless you just aren’t paying attention…

…which is what I tend to do with Bill Cosby now. It’s hard to pay attention to him when everything he says seems so doggone persnickety. And I’m not even saying he doesn’t make any legit points, but its all in the delivery Bill. You should learn from Rakim or Kane or AZ. Delivery Bill, delivery.

Every good rapper has a good delivery. It’s why we listen to dumb shit all the time…that and it usually sounds good.

Oh, and he’s wrong on this point:

“They put the word ‘nigga’ in a song, and we get up and dance to it,” Cosby said.

Not true, Bill. We get up and dance to it because it’s on.

Unless of course it’s Yung Joc’s song “It’s Going Down” which, I mean, just totally rocks, in which case we get up and dance to it because we all want to do the dance that goes with it.

Oh yes, and do the “have you ever seen a Chevy with the butterfly doors” part. That part is fly.

I’m just wondering when all of these critics of the lower class, especially the Black ones, are going to decide to attack the circumstances that led to this shit. All of the problems we have now aren’t new. In fact, none of them are new. The same problems that were present in the 50s and 60s are present today.

The difference now is that white America is fascinated by this culture and puts it all over television. And since they’re fascinated, they find us ninja’s to keep it up…it’s a vicious cycle really.

People are well within their rights to get upset at the state of Black America, and hell, hip-hop. But rarely is anybody doing shit to combat the very problems that we so often rail against.

Fuckin’ armchair activists, that’s what it seems like most of us are. Granted, I wouldn’t put Bill Cosby in that boat, and in some ways I suppose he’s earned the right to be a crochety old fuck. I think I’d just appreciate it more if I felt like he wasn’t so out of touch on some of these things.

Because now he just seems like he’s whining. And messages get lost in the whining.

When was the last time you wanted to do anything for somebody who was whining to you about something? It was like 10 minutes before never for me.

“This is a great evening because we’re calling on men to come claim their children,” said Cosby, who spoke for 20 minutes before joining a panel to field questions. “And that’s part of being a man. You cannot be a man at all if you haven’t claimed your child. Some of you have three, four, five of them. You have more children than you have jobs.”

This is kind of tangential, but I always have a problem with these speeches. Namely, it seems like he’s preaching to the choir. The very fathers he’s talking about probably aren’t there listening to him nor would they care.

And that crosses all color lines.

Many people posit that the family structure is what has the Black community mired in stagnation.

I agree with that too, and I wonder how you make that point to the fathers who aren’t there because those are the ones that need to hear it most.

More questions, fewer answers.

It’s not easy being Black.

Or hip-hop for that matter.

By now, nearly everybody should have seen the 3:26 clip from some upcoming low-budget, homey next door filmed, movie Diary of a Tired Black Man.

One of the tag lines reads: Now it’s the mens turn to exhale.

Indeed, it is.

If you haven’t, I highly suggest that you do so now. In fact, if you haven’t, I’ll wait.

*humming “Sailing” by Christopher Cross*

You back? Good. Pretty interesting premise isn’t it, though not very original. If the movie follows the trailer, it is essentially a white-woman-dating-black-man’s wet dream, with extra emphasis on dream, for what would happen if he was ever confronted with the decision he made to date a white woman. I happen to find the clip to be downright comedic since nobody can really act and damn near everything about the preview is preposterously un-fuckin’-realistic to the nth degree.

Shall we begin? Yes, let us. But first, I must proffer a definition for those non-slanguists in the audience or those unfamiliar with urban terminology.

son. defintion (1) noun. the male offspring of a man and a woman. if in the black community, 8 times out of 10, at 12 he will become the man of the house because his father has disappeared; (2) verb. to completely quiet or shut down somebody in an argument/battle/war in a way that totally undermines their opinion/feeling/abilities in such a way that they have on response, retort, or dignity left. see also rap battles, slavery, Napolean’s conquest for Europe, Hannibal, 2004 Presidential election

It is the second definition that we will be working with here. Why? I’ll tell you why.

It’s is completely and totally fuckin’ unrealistic and unbelievable to even imagine that ANY black man in America would have the ability to son FOUR/QUATRO/FO’/5-1/2+2/QUATRE black women at any time on any situation as charged as a black man dating a white woman.

At her house. Get the fuck out of here.

Not.

Gonna.

Happen.

Ever.

Everytime I watch the clip I’m just waiting for the real version to surface. You know, the one where as soon as his ex-wife sees him driving up with a white woman, she charges out the front door and starts yelling all kinds of bitches, tramps, and skeezers at the white woman while the black man has to physically push her back into the house.

And then…

She starts yelling at him calling all kinds of emasculating names and her friends join into the fracas and begin cursing him out and shit. Oh wait…that’s not what would have happened. This is a white woman here, my bad.

Let’s rewind.

*rewinding noise*

Everytime I watch the clip I’m just waiting for the real version to surface. You know, the one where as soon as his ex-wife sees him driving up with a white woman, she charges out the front door and starts yelling all kinds of bitches, tramps, and skeezers at the white woman while the black man has to physically push her back into the house which causes her to start swinging on her husband which causes the white woman to very stupidly GET OUT OF THE CAR causing the black ex-wife’s friends to come out of the house and commence to hurling racial slurs epithets and love songs at the white girl and THEN commence to pushing and then possibly whipping her ass while the black man then comes to the aid of his white woman and gets hit in the process causing him to slap the monkey shine shit out of somebody and end up in jail.

That is what happens in real life. And its probably his fault. Just don’t bring the white girl to your ex-wife’s house when you’re coming to pick up your child, k?

But no. In this pipe dream of a clip, the black man TOTALLY SONS four black women. Causing all of them to shut the fuck up with well timed and articulate sentences that reinforce that he is indeed not a weak black man. He is a strong black man who has never even thought about a white woman before in the entire time that his ex has known him. He just wants a drama-less household and the fact that the woman he is receiving that from is white is just secondary, though that’s clearly the premise that’s being pushed here.

Wesley Snipes would be so proud.

I don’t know if anybody realizes the magnitude of the bullshit that is being pushed here. Let’s assume he makes it to the door unscathed. As soon as he started talking the women would have ganged up on him and not heard a single damn thing he said. Even if everything he said was true, up until the implied white woman drama free part, it wouldn’t matter because no self-respecting black woman is going to listen to any black man justify dating a white woman. None. He is automatically weak and that gives them every opportunity to just mentally beat him down especially since he’s trying to defend himself which serves no purpose whatsoever.

That’s like a black man trying to defend himself in 1867 for whistling at a white woman with an all white jury deciding his fate. Guilty bitch, guilty.

Further, where in America have you EVER seen four black women who would calmly answer questions and act civil in an emotionally charged situation like that. I have three sisters, one of whom has a kid by a white dude and she STILL goes off on black men dating white women. Hell, she went off on her white baby-daddy for dating a white girl.

Common sense and pissed off black women never quite meet in the middle.

But nope, in this clip, the black women listened and answered his questions in a way that made it seem that he was asking questions that made the women think. Hold the fuckin’ phone. There is no thinking in emotionally charged situations…not until after everybody’s had time to think on their own. But there they go, thinking and listening as this black man completely destroys their criticisms of him.

Pure and utter bullshit.

You get all the standard shit. “Youse a weak ass nigga.” “I’m not dating right now because I’m tired of weak ass niggas like you.” And of course none of the women is dating…except for the light skinned woman.

Who is dating a white man. Waitaminute.

I don’t know about you, but that immediately struck me as odd. In all of my experiences of living, most black women dating white men tend to be more on the darker side of the shade tree. I don’t know if lighter women are just on a quest for more color in their children’s lives or what, but you just don’t see that very often. I have a theory on this, but this is already long so that is another post. I could be wrong, but pay attention to the women you see dating white men, there are exceptions, but for the most part, it isn’t the uber-lightskinned black women doing it.

So to the makers of the movie Tired Black Man, I say, nigga please. Nowhere in America would one black man stand a chance against 4 black women on damn near anything, unless he is their pimp. And not like Nelly, but like Mr. Whitefolks. Further, nowhere in America would the bIack man get clearly cogent and understandable opinions out for the black women to calmly hear and internalize to a point where they felt bad.

I am a black man. I am not stupid. I know what battles to pick with black women. That ain’t one of them.

I look forward to more comedy, but the least you can do is make it slightly more realistic. At least throw in one of the fights that undoubtedly would occur. Thank you however for making the women in the clip at least attractive despite the fact that the white woman with no lines was the best actor in the entire thing as Hollywood is undoubtedly worried about the recent quadrupling of black people who are the recipients of much coveted Oscars.

Good morning.

Today…is a good day. Not unlike yesterday. Or tomorrow. In fact, tomorrow will bring a better you, a better me.

However, it is so hard to say goodbye, to yesterday.

Yes, today, Panama has absolutely nothing to talk about…but everything to say.

I am an enigma.

I am also sexxy.

Love me. Love me, say that you love me.

I have a confession to make. I’ve gone and done it. Yeah, the big “it”. I’ve been avoiding it like the plague because I was afraid if I did it, it would open me up to ridicule from the masses of people who believe in me. Hell, I was afraid to disappoint myself.

Somebody…hold me.

Don’t you love how just uber-random this shit is? It’s gonna be like this the whole way through. You should keep reading though, this gets interesting in a soap opera kind of way by the time we get to the end…trust me.

If The Champ over at The Royal Youngs is a lemming (I think that’s what he said), then I’m an Alaskan anteater following little dark dots around aimlessly hoping for it not to be pepper, but for it to be the key to success and more like sprinkles.

No, I didn’t go to Starbucks or watch more BET.

I joined…

…MySpace. At the prodding of one of my compadres, I was convinced to join the newest low-income housing development in the e-streets. It’s just past Al Gore Blvd. and right next to Web Circle. I have built my home at…

… www.myspace.com/panamadjackson.

*hanging head in shame*

Honestly, this shit is quite addictive. There are just so many people on there I don’t even know where to begin looking…or hell, what I’m even looking for.

Well, what the hell are you waiting for (after me there shall be no more)?

Alright, now let’s get down to business bitches, cuz it seems that y’all just keep on trying to diss this nigga that you know that’s been down for years….

1) I watched Black.White. again last night. My hatred for the white couple is lessoning but my hatred for Carmen (the black wife) has increased hundredfold. She just annoys the flying squirrel shit out of me. I might discuss this more in a later post because the black folks are really turning me into fans of the white family. And the white girl telling the black folks that she was white took some major cajones and I’m somewhat inclined to think that she must have also told them they were on a television show because she made it back to Santa Monica from Crenshaw unscathed. It’s like she infiltrated a Black Panther base or something. Interestingly enough, it made me respect her more. And yes her mother is very naive and definitely needs to take a class or two on sensitivity training, but Carmen blew that bitch thing WAY overboard. Fuck her.

2) I hate Jade on America’s Next Top Model with the passion of 10,000 gila monsters and a gecko from Geico. And a partridge and a pear tree. We have also just seen the manifestation of the Black-Girl-Got-Hair-Now-So-She-Think-She-Fly Syndrome in Furonda who not only couldn’t stop looking at herself, but also somehow managed to increase her confidence greatly. And I must agree with Nigel, she does look like E.T. with hair…at all times.

Now for the coup de grace…

My people, my people…somebody has stolen some of my shit…AGAIN!!! AND had the nerve to be SLOPPY about it…AGAIN.

I really need to hold a seminar on how to be a better criminal, I swear I do.

If you are indeed a woman and you jack a man’s post, make sure that he does not refer to himself as a “man/dude/soul brother #2″ in a jacked work. It will bode badly for you. And apparently shit that makes into the net has some serious legs, much like Amerie in the “1 Thing” video or Tina Turner on her amazing Ike-Can’t-Beat-Me-Now Tour AKA What’s Love Got To Do With It.

I was emailed this morning by somebody who noticed the post I’d written about being on a flight with Dem Franchize Boyz being used by someone else as if it was their own story. El dumbass even said that she had just gotten off the flight three hours ago.

*chuckle*

Dumbass.

Allow me to link you to said transgression against King Panama by one Prada1.

Prada1, come on down!!!!!!!!

*Price Is Right music playing rapidly in the background while the ignant jackster runs boobs-a-floppin to the front stage*

It can be found on a message board on some site called Lipstick Alley.

Feel free to go there and check out the similarities. Also notice how I mention that I’m “not a first class dude” and somebody asks her if she is a guy to which she responds, “no she is not”.

Once more, people people people, if you are going to jack somebody’s shit…PLEASE CLEAN IT UP!!!!! For the love of all things fuscia…read the shit and clean it up!!!

Also, notice that the person who called her out, mentioned the once bloggadocious Kajuana (R.I.P.). She really was famous!

Either way, the sloppy stealing needs to cease, for real. I’m not even offended at being jacked.

I’m Panama Muhfuckin’, it’s going to happen.

What does offend me is the uber-bitchmade sloppiness with which it happens. You think I’m so small time that my work won’t even get noticed.

And that’s what hurts. Why don’t nobody love me?

I do have fans!! Fucker!!!

Those are jokes people…I’m not THAT stuck on myself. Today.

Either way, to the person who outted her, thank you and thanks for the email.

To Prada1, step your game up gangsta, you SUCK right now.

Finally, one of my boys gave me a suggestion that I think I will run with. This will either bite me in the ass, be ridiculously fun, or prove that nobody really does give a shit about the Once And Former King Panama.

So, I’d like to ask for suggested blog topics. All next week, I will post every day with one of the suggested topics that are presented. If I get an abundance of possible topics, I will keep it going for a while. If I get no topic suggestions, I will light myself on fire with a rusty barnacle and Betty Boop, pout, then take a 2 day vacation in South Central. I welcome any and all suggestions, be they funny or serious or just outrageously stupid. No topic is off-limits. Just place them in the comments and I’ll do the rest.

To recap:

1) Check out my MySpace page: www.myspace.com/panamadjackson

2) Check out the LipStick Alley Jack-Ass.

3) Offer up some blog topics…please.

“…I’m writing to show you what we fightin’ for…” – Talib Kweli, “The Blast”