Unless you’ve been living under Chris Rock, crack rock, or rock (paper, scissors), you know that Jay-Z has a new album coming out on November 6 entitled American Gangster. Said to be inspired by the identically titled movie coming out November 2nd starring Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe, Jay has allegedly harkened back to his recently questioned drug dealer past and revisited the emotions and trappings of a drug dealer success story.

I like writing pseudo-critic-like. Except I don’t. Which is why I hate that last sentence up there. Oy vey.

L’chaim!

So Jay has a new ablum coming out and allegedly watching the rise and fall of Frank Lucas, one of Harlem’s most notorious motherfuckers, gave rise to Jay’s latent creative spirits. Lucky us since his last attempt at creative spirit gave us Kingdom Come. And we all know how that one ended. In case you don’t though, it ended bad. Though I did like some songs, its just that the bad songs were quite possibly the worst of his career.

And lest we forget, he did make The Blueprint 2 which had like a gazillion wack joints on it. Either way, after Kingdom Come, most of us are a little skeptical about this new album for a few reasons. For one, I HATE(d) Blue Magic. I know some folks love that song.

Two, Puffy is responsible for at least 6 songs on this album. Now that’s not to say that Puffy-induced works haven’t been classic. It’s just to say that Puffy-induced works haven’t been classic since a certain now-waxed-out figure was blocka-blocka’d in Los Angeles.

R.I.P. Christopher Wallace.

Then the snippets of American Gangster hit the net and I’ll be honest and say I was less than enthused. In convo’s with my boy I said I’d reserve judgement until I could hear the whole songs because a snippet really doesn’t give you all you need to know to judge something, though I was even less excited after hearing them.

What a difference a day makes. Word to Esther Phillips. It appears that some sap leaked that damn Jay album onto the net (minus two songs, “Ignorant Shit” and “Party Life”). So like every other nigga, I got it and listened sat outside on the curb while some fellow decided to play the entire album over and over again long enough for me to accurately review and ingrain the songs in my mind.

Can I say I love this album? I can? Good. I love this album. This is some of that real hip-hop shit that folks have been waiting for Jay to make for a while. None of this is really radio-friendly, not even the two Neptune’s songs. Go figure?! So let’s discuss shall we?

Here’s the rundown. Thirteen “album” cuts and two “bonus” cuts. Six joints by Puffy and his new Hittmen Sean C. and LV (so I suppose that means Sean C and LV produced them and Puffy came in and hit a button, said, “take that, take that” and wham, he’s the producer), two tracks by the combo of No ID and Jermaine Dupri (I had no clue No ID was on So So Def), one DJ Toomp track, one Neptunes album cut, some nigga named Bigg D (pause) and one Just Blaze cut. Features include Lil Wayne on a song called “Hello Brooklyn 2.0″ (WTF?) and Beanie Sigel on “Ignorant Shit”. And the immortal Nas.

I’ll just go track by track since I’m starting to bore myself.

“Intro”

Idris Elba is on this. Who’d a thunk just a few short years ago that gotdamn Idris Elba aka Stringer Bell would be the most indemand motherfucker in the Black community? Not me. All the dudes want to be him and all the women want to fuck him. I’m well on my way, he was studying Economics at a community college in Baltimore and I got a degree from a prestgious school in Atlanta. But I live close to Baltimore (enough, anyway) so I can go get that Associates! By the way, I don’t care for this, it’s an intro.

“Pray” (Produced by Puffy, Sean C, LV)

I presume this is Beyonce “praying” on this joint. Eh…I’ll pass. In fact, I don’t care for the first 4 tracks as a whole. All produced by Puffy and ‘nem. I wonder what it feels like to “produce” with Puffy knowing nobody is going to care who you are because you’re working with P. “I added a bell so I’m a producer” Diddy.

“American Gangster” (Produced by Puffy, Sean C, LV)

Yeah, honestly, I listen to this shit so infrequently I don’t even remember what it sounds like. That’s how much I don’t like it. My listening starts at track 5 and this is track 3. Another Puffy ass-sandwich.

“No Hook”(produced by Puffy, Sean C., LV)

But you so needed one. Here’s a good time to mention that the whole “no hook” thing is an over-arching theme on this album. There are no conventional catchy hooks a la everything post Reasonable Doubt. No hooks = hip-hop.

“Hello Brooklyn 2.0″ featuring Lil Weeziana aka Weezy F. Baby (please say the Baby) (produced by Bigg D)

This was apparently a song for The Carter III but Jay heard it thru his old homeboys who now manage Lil Wayne and Jay wanted it. This shit knocks so hard. It’s all 808 knock and old school feelin’. Lil Wayne actually is kind of good as hell on this joint. Though he ain’t rapping, more like sinapping. Not quite singing, not quite rapping. Sinapping. Or Ringing if it suits you. Though ringing might imply he’s a phone. And he’s so not a phone.

“Roc Boys”

Fuckin’ amazing joint where Jay pays homage to all the unheralded elements of the drug game, namely the Duffle bag which has made SUCH the come up this year. Between this song and the “Duffle Bag” song, we should see Duffle bag sales go up tremendously in the next quarter. Yay for drug paraphanelia! The horns on this song are everybit as scrumptious as pie. And Americans love pie. This is one of the Puffy joints that is fire.

“Sweet” (produced by Puffy, Sean C, LV)

Another Hittmen joint (they got like all the first songs save the joint with Lil Wayne). I should not here that this LV is not the fat nigga that was singing with Coolio on “Gangster’s Paradise” but another LV. Apparently L and V are just popular letters. Word to the word Love. And Live. Live Love. Word. Life. This joint bangs like Ricky Martin. Simply, it’s sweet. Has some real 70’s blaxploitation sound to it. Just listen. Or if you’re Musiq and can’t spell or use a space bar, jusslissen.

“I Know” (produced by Pharrell)

Strangely subdued for a Neptunes/Pharrell joint. It doesn’t sound radiofriendly despite sounding radiofriendly, if that makes any sense. Hmm, I just re-read that. It doesn’t make any sense but I’m sticking by it. Here’s an example, in college, me and my boy used to always see this girl who had all the elements of a fine chick (nice hair, nice skintone, nice body, nice eyes) but somehow she just wasn’t fine. We used to call her “All For Nothing”. This beat has all the usual Neptunes radio hit elements but its still not radio. It however is fuckin’ hot in a chimey type of way. Ironically entitled “I Know” since I don’t know what he’s talking about on it since I never really listen, I just skim thru it. Teehee.

“Say Hello” (produced by DJ Toomp)

This shit bangs so hard. Strangely (I guess not considering its DJ Toomp) it sounds similar to “Can’t Tell Me Nothing” except more pleasant in scope. I must say that Toomp is a pretty diverse producer. And he’s a guaranteed hitmaker. T.I.? You listening? When you get ot of jail in 2017, call Toomp back up for your comeback album.

Now is a good place to mention, this album gets progressively better as it goes along. It’s like each joint gets that much more focused lyrically and that much better sonically. That’s some damn good sequencing Jay. Damn good.

“Success” featuring Nas (produced by No ID and Jermaine Dupri)

Dude…this might be one of the best hip-hop songs to come out in years. This beat is uber-fucking ridiculous. And simple too. Simple 4 bar loop. Jay focused as THE fuck and speaking about all the niggas (DeHaven, Calvin “Klein” Bacote) who’ve been speaking about him over the past few months. Fuck them niggas. In fact, he shits on you niggas. Jay thinks success sucks cuz of the stress and he likes the taste of Ace of Spades. I’ve never even had Moet Rose. Guess I’m not successful. Jay and Nas are both great on this shit. They need to do an album together of straight hip-hop banger like this. For real. I’ve had this shit on repeat The dude who’s been playing this out of his car while I listened on the curb has had this shit on repeat for days.

“Fallin’” (produced by Jermaine Dupri and No I.D.)

Despite the beat-jacking accusation by Ski Beatz (of “Dead Presidents” and Camp Lo) fame, this beat is pretty good though I think “Success” is hands down the best shit on the album. Jay discusses the downfall of the drug dealer. Man, being a drug dealer sounds like it sucks. For reals. Word to hip-hop. Wonder why so many niggas do it? Hmm…me no know.

All in all this album is solid like a motherfucker. Every needs this joint to hear Jay back in the clutches of what he does best, speaking from the hustler’s end, not the end of the dude staring at pieces of art in a gallery in Paris. Hell, most niggas can’t tell you where Paris is on a map, nevermind not ever going to an art gallery.

And seriously, I get Gwynneth Paltrow and the Kill Bill chick mixed up all the time. This album ain’t classic, but it’s a banger.

Cop that shit.

Word.Life.

That Lauryn Hill, what a prophet.

Today’s post is being brought to you by the good people of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises and the letter W.

Followed by the letter T. And not so far behind, the letter F.

Put it together class and what do you get?? WTF.

As in the what the fuck was Fantasia thinking when she wrote some of the shit that is on her newest album, the self-titled Fantasia?

Despite that question, I find myself feeling warmed by her album.

Do you know why I appreciate artists like Fantasia (and similarly people like Jagged Edge or Mary J. Blige, during the Great Crackskapades of the early to mid 90s)? I love them because they do not run away from their inner-ghetto. You see, so many of us el Negroes try to hide from the fact that we do indeed possess ghetto bones.

I have some. Do you? It’s okay. In fact, anybody with ghetto bones, please, with a show of hands…show yourself!

*hands a-waving*

Ahh…the smell of truth.

Being the ghetto queen that Fantasia apparently is (down to the inordinate education), she has decided that she was going to make an album for her people. What people would that be? The same people who actually found her song “B.A.B.Y.M.A.M.A.” to be a rallying cry and an endearing, honorable tribute to the single, un-wed mother.

Not that there is anything wrong with being a single, un-wed mother. Then again, there is a hell of a difference between being a babymama and a single mother. Color me ignorant, but it seems that Fantasia made it okay (once again, to her fans) to aspire to be a baby mama whereas a single mother would usually rather not be in that situation. But once again, color me ignorant.

And then color me bad. Ohhh…beeeeeeeehave.

On her newest magnum opus, Fantasia has a song entitled “Uneligible”.

I’d like to take a quick smokebreak, so please re-read that last sentence as many times as you need.

*smokebreak*

If you’re anything like me, you probably looked at that word a few times before calmly asking yourself, “is that a word?”

Then, I briskly walked to my dictionary to check. Nope…in fact, I’m about to go look at my office dictionary right now.

Hold, please.

*holding*

Nope, not in my office dictionary. It goes from unedited to unemotional. But you know what I did find?

Ineligible.

A one letter variance, but a signficant one nonetheless. Which begs the question…two questions actually: why not just use the word ineligible?; and why doesn’t she have any friends who tell her better?

Oh, she answers that on the album’s last song, “Bump What Ya Friends Say”.

Well, okay then.

You’ve really got to love songs like that don’t you? The song “Uneligible” is about the good men who all seem to be “uneligible.” Ooh, ooh, I have a question!!!

Since she refers to her men as uneligible, does that actually make them uneligible? Perhaps there is some subtle distinction between ineligible and uneligible…perhaps her men just ain’t available (hence, uneligible) whereas ineligible men are just not qualified!!!

Perhaps Fantasia is the smart one. She’s done gone and created a new word, probably by accident since I don’t actually respect her mind. Sad, I know.

But until she can read one of my posts I stand by my statement.

Ouch.

What I do appreciate about her new album is that she really holds nothing back. For instance, here are some of the song titles: “I Nominate U” (c’mon, don’t we all really want to be nominated for something??), “Baby Makin’ Hips” (you laugh, but I love me a woman with baby makin’ hips), “Two Weeks Notice” (not sure how this really applies to her people since most of them are probably fans of being babymamas and probably work at places that a two week notice probably ain’t all that necessary, let alone a two minute notice).

Ouch again.

I’m mean.

Then there’s that guaranteed hot shit, “Bore Me (Yawn)”. I actually have to give Fantasia a lot of credit here. People often give you song titles, but when was the last time people gave you the intransitive verb to go with their song title?

Did Babyface? How much better is this song title: “Every Time I Close My Eyes (Blink)”?

Or “There She Goes (Point)”?

Clearly, he’s not as forward thinking as Fantasia.

And the entire album makes sense because her first single is “Hood Boy”, a sort of double entendre since clearly she needs a hood boy, and it’s also apparently who she mad the album for, the “hood, boy”.

Deep. Perhaps I do respect her mind. A broke clock may be right only twice a day, but when it’s right, it’s right.

Mind you, a lot of this stuff is actually pretty good, music-wise, and she can sing despite the fact that I pretty much don’t like her voice at all. What’s really funny is that for every person I’ve mentioned that she has as song called “Uneligible”, every body thinks its okay because Fantasia apparently isn’t the scholar we all pray for.

And she can’t read, though I’m inclined to believe that she’s probably made headway in that deparment since her admission. Which if I’m not mistaken was during the “writing” of her book. Dictaphone never had it so good!

All in all, I appreciate Fantasia for what she brings to the table. Unapologetic ignorance. She exists to make me realize that people like us do have a place in the world. For me, it’s at the table with lawmakers and hookers, for her it’s at the library, but there is a place nonetheless.

Irregardless of what we may all think, Fantasia is finna do things her way. And through her, we are all connectededed.

She is us and we are her.

Thank you Fantasia for keeping it real and damn you to Hell for causing a whole new generation of little ninjas who will undoubtedly think that the word “uneligible” is actually real and okay since it’s a song that I think women who can’t find a good man will be drawn towards.

Thank you Fantasia, for not crossing over but bringing the suburbs to the ‘hood.

[***1) This is a long ass review, but it's Jay-Z, it requires it. 2) I reviewed this album based on my listening experience of sitting outside on my corner as my neighbor blasted this in its entirety as I would not ever steal or pirate music...(avoiding lightning strike). ***]

“…can’t leave rap alone, the game needs me…” ~ Jay-Z, “Izzo (H.O.V.A.)” The Blueprint

After a three year hiatus, Shawn Carter has returned to grace the rap world with his presence. From Marcy to Madison Square he’s done it all and it was time to finally take a little R&R. He’s been everywhere. We’ve all seen the pictures of he and the misses vacationing from the Carribbean to Africa. Hell, he had a street named after him in Nigeria. I suppose Martin Luther King, Jr. Blvd was just a little bit too violent for their tastes. And out of the benevolence of his heart, he’s managed to take a message of clean water to many developing nations in both Africa and Asia. No word on whether he actually left a lifetime supply of Evian in any of those countries, but getting the word out is just as important, no?

That Jay-Z, what a humanitarian.

But amidst all of the work he’s done, not to mention running Def Jam, he felt that itch to record again. He’s a hustler, true. But he’s also a rapper, and by many folks measuring stick, he’s the Greatest of All Time. Truth be told, I think he is. Which means that whenever he drops an album, it’s an event. Hell, he all but buried the anticipation for Nas’ first Def Jam co-venture, Hip-Hop Is Dead…The N, the very second he announced he had an album dropping…originally slated for a week removed from Nas’ album. That definitely sounds like a Presidential fumble, Bush League style. Then again, he’s Hov so he does what he wants.

And nowhere is that notion more evident than on Kingdom Come. There’s a lot to be said for not caring what anybody but yourself feels when putting out an album. Kanye West comes to mind. Despite my many debates with people about Late Registration, Kanye did what the hell he wanted and put together quite the motherfucker of an album. And is it a classic? Even though I don’t like every song on the album (”Roses” comes to mind), yes it is. (That’s for you JK). Jay-Z takes that road on Kingdome Come. You might say he’s been doing that over his past few albums but I don’t think so. For instance, if he was just trying to do Jay, there is no way in HELL he would have made “Change Clothes” the first single from The Black Album. No way in hell. But he had to get radio and sales. So he did. The Blueprint? He was gunning for a classic album from the outset. He knew, everybody knew it so he had to do what classic albums do; go for the jugular when necessary, be introspective when necessary, and ultimately make sure that there is very little room for anybody to question the product (”Jigga That Nigga”, notwithstanding. I absolutely hate that song).

So what changed to make him finally make an album full of shit he just wants to do?? Well, basically, he’s rich, bitch. And comfortable. And probably a little bored. He has no real competition left. Not Nas. Not T.I. Not Lil Wayne. All very talented and respected rappers, but I mean, Jay doesn’t have shit to prove anymore. Now, he’s just rapping (or at least it seems like it) because he has some shit to say, some rumors to clear up, somethings on his heart, etc. And since he’s a rapper, and the most marketable one (when you see 50 Cent doing Heinekin adds, let me know), he will always have a venue and an audience. So he decided to utilize it.

End game.

So let’s talk about this album, shall we? Yes, let’s. For starters, the songs on this album that are great…are just that great. The songs that suck ass, do just that. There are some (only 2 but that’s 2 more than there should be) TERRIBLE songs on this album.

And for the record, let’s discuss the composition of a song. It is not merely lyrics. It is not merely the beat or the hook. It is the polygamist marriage of all three. But if the beat is horrendous, it makes the other two moot. See Canibus, Ras Kass, Xzibit…basically any of these so called “lyricists” who put together shitty albums. Antonymns: The Game, Jay Z.

With that said, you know there’s something afoul when the intro, “Prelude”, is the best song on the album. I don’t know who B-Money is, but he laced Jay with the most murderous intro beat I’ve heard in a long time. Over a killer Mel & Tim sample, Jay basically lays out who he is and why he does what he does. And as per usual, he finds a new way to tell us why he’s the greatest while taking subliminal but clear shots at those who talk shit subliminally, like The Game.

Then we get into the Just Blaze section of the album. The first 3 tracks are all produced by Just Blaze. First up in the queue is “Oh My God“. As any Just Blaze beat goes (save “Dear Summer” which might be one of my absolute favorite Just Blaze beats), it’s loud and raucous. And I hated it the first time I heard it. But it’s grown on me. And it will grow on you. It’s almost impossible for it not too.

Lyrically, there is one hell of a recurring theme on this album. It’s one of, “I’m still here and this is what I’ve done, respect me and my place in the game.” There’s also a theme of maturity and being grown. But we’ll get to that.

“Kingdom Come“. What can I say about this except it might be one of my favorites on the album. And I hated it at first too. See a trend? You know, as far as songs on this album go, this is the one where Jay really lays out his claim as being the greatest. Of course, you’ve heard this a milliont times by now, but he really asserts himself back into any argument he might have been left out of recently as far as NY goes.

“Show Me What You Got” The single and I do not like it at all. It has nothing to do with Jay moreso than I just don’t like the beat. It’s his ode to product placement and the video is clearly his attempts at cross-over appeal. Dude, Danica Patrick AND Dale Earnhardt, Jr…in the same video??? Being shot in Monaco? Geez-o-flip. I just don’t like this shit. I don’t think I ever will.

Dr. Dre (or whoever makes his beats for him) contributes four tracks and you know what? They all sound the same but they all sound different. Which makes me wonder what an entire Dre-produced album would sound like right now. He has the same basic elements in every beat. Heavy, slow minimalist drum beat. Some bass-chord progessions, and a piano riff. He might throw some strings in to give it an extra eery feel. So why in the fuck is it still impossible for most producers, aside from Kanye, to really fuck with Dre? Me no know.

Dre provides the best song on the album to me in “30 Something” where Jay basically let’s all you young fucks know what being grown is all about. Hell, the first time I really listened to it I asked one of my boys if Jay made being 30 cool. Hell, he killed the throwback industry and Cristal. Perhaps he just might make being 30 that hot shit. It’s also where he drops my favorite line of the album: “i’m afraid of the future/y’all respect who got shot, i respect the shooter…”

Seriously, this is an epidemic that must be stopped. I like 50 just as much as anybody else but random idiots really think getting shot means you are the man. That shit makes you a victim. It doesn’t take anything to get shot. Just yesterday I passed up the opportunity to get shot…I mean, my album isn’t even close to being finished yet.

The much ballyhooed song “Lost Ones featuring Chrisette Michelle” is another Dre track that is amazingly soulful and effective in its simplicity. You’ve heard it too and it’s good. Game. Set. Match.

On the song “Trouble” (produced by Dr. Dre) he touches on the long-lost rumors of his baby with Free: “…that’ll be the day I have a baby by Free/not to say that anything is wrong with Free/just to say that ain’t nothing wrong with me/if my hand’s in the cookie jar, know one thing/I’m gonna take the cookie not leave my ring…”

Well, I’m glad that’s settled.

Jay even gets specifically topical and addressed Hurricane Katrina on “Minority Report featuring Ne-Yo” (prod. by Dr. Dre) and the response to it by himself (kind of deep actually) and others. By the way, I hate Ne-Yo. Thank you.

You know what, let’s talk about the pitfalls on this album. Normally, a less than stellar track would be just that, less than stellar. Not on Kingdom Come. Oh no buddy. You need a for instance, don’t you? Sure you do.

Let’s start with “Anything” (produced by Pharrell and featuring Usher). Pure and utter bullshit. I mean this song is the bar by which garbage should be measured. And I know some of you will end up liking it. And if you do, please never come to me and tell me what “quality” music is ever again.

For real.

Not to be outdone by asstasticness, the song “Anything” is followed up by “Hollywood” which features Beyonce. Oy vey. So like, have you ever seen a petite woman who’s gotten into a fight with a much bigger, butch looking chick who seems like she fights men and fences for a living? Yeah, that’s what this song sounds like to me. A bad idea in practice. Executed in even worse fashion. Who even cares what its about. It sounds like a Beyonce song with Jay rapping on it.

A Beyonce song so bad that even Kelly Rowland wouldn’t want to get on it and we know she needs work.

Speaking of which, Jay is rumored to be doing another Best of Both World’s with none other than…Beyonce.

You may all die silently now. Though “Upgrade U” is hot as the fuck.

And of course, no album is complete without a Swizz Beatz production. And the song “Dig A Hole” would be that production. It’s the song with the uninspired ass verses directed at Cam’ron. He could have saved them joints, for real. I don’t know if it’s just me or not, but I feel like Swizz has been mailing his beats in lately. Between this and the song on The Game’s album the beats just seem uninspired. It’s like he’s just making beats because he’s supposed to, not because he wants them to be good. Then again, Jay and The Game did have to actually PICK those beats so I can’t blame Swizz but so much. Oh, and the dude singing on this song, Sterling Simms? I never ever want to hear from him again.

And who can forget the Kanye West contribution. Now this is a difficult position to be in. For one, I don’t like the song or the beat for “Do U Wanna Ride” featuring John Legend. For two, it sounds like a John Legend song and not a Jay song. For three, the beat sucks. But it only sucks in the, “dude, it’s Kanye…this couldn’t have been the best beat he submitted so Jay must have liked the feel.” For instance, Kanye dropped the “Wouldn’t Get Far” beat on The Game and contributed not only a great verse…

…but the BEST verse on The Game’s album.

Yeah, I said it.

Plus, it’s Kanye, by this point, I just expect the Kanye beat on most albums to be amongst the best. Yeah, I’m comparing him to his other stuff, but that’s his fault he makes good stuff, not mine for hearing it.

And then there’s the song “Beach Chair” (produced by Chris Martin from Coldplay; with an assist from Dr. Dre) where Jay informs us that “life is like a beach chair.” Funny, I didn’t actually know that. I tend to prefer the “life is like a box of chocolates myself” but one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Cliches are fun aren’t they?

It sounds like Jay rapping over a Coldplay song to me. Personally, I love this song. Not much else I can say. He just kind of lays out his life and aspirations. Much like he does on the DJ Khalil produced “I Made That” which is another monster of a track. It’s kind of a letter to his mother…actually, it’s not kind of. It is. And it’s fuckin’ great.

In a nutshell, and despite my first listen hateration, this album isn’t as bad as I originally surmised. The problem is that the songs I don’t like, I hate. Like I can’t even feign half an interest in them. But it’s a fairly solid album. Now what’s funny is that I’m hearing people (and reading motherfuckers) say that Puffy’s album is better than this. And if you actually believe that, then I would find it hard to ever actually believe your opinion again. Puffy’s album is horrible. He can’t rap. He can’t ride a beat. Hell, he can’t even rap other people’s shit in a convincing manner.

Anyway, overall, Kingdom Come isn’t a classic, nor should it be even believed to be close. The good songs are great and the bad songs require me to really want to ask Jay what the fuck he was thinking. Jay is basically letting you know where he is right now in his life and how he views the rest of us little niggas (which he says a whopping almost 20 times on the song “Trouble”). He’s a grown ass man who does grown ass man things. And he has good credit.

Not bad for a hustler who’s credit used to be being able to get work on consignment. And yes that’s a drug reference.

Is it a career-defining album? Nope. The Blueprint already did that and Reasonable Doubt would be too if most of you actually ever knew Jay existed before “Hard Knock Life”.

But solid album? Despite prior leanings, I’d say yes. And you’ll buy it anyway so it only matters in the realm of his legacy.

It’s still in tact.

And even if you don’t think so…you’ll still be in the club or in your car doing the Presidential:

“…wave, wave, wave…”

Because basically, he will not lose…

[***EDIT: I've created a new blog to chronicle the goings ons of the Wednesday night Open Mic at Bohemian Caverns. The new and good googly moogly Stock13 Report should be checked out for your livelihood and well being. Umm...its at Blogger so just pretend it's shiny and sexxy. A link has been added to the right as well. Come one, come all.***]

Happy Birthday! (Yeah that’s to you…)

I read somewhere (I think on MTV) that Beyonce said it took her something like two weeks to complete this album.

After hearing it, my first response is: Well, no shit.

Oh, I will be making some disparaging comments about MTV a little bit later on in this album review, I just don’t feel like it right now. It might break up my flow.

Beyonce returns with her second solo offering on September 5, as a follow up to her huge-selling and hit spawning album, Dangerously In Love. To be fair, I didn’t really like that album all that much either. It had its hot moments, but as a whole work…bleh.

Before I get started, I’d like to say that I’m getting a little bit tired of these artists coming out and basically releasing other people’s albums under their own name. Oh, I see you have no clue what I’m talking about. Let me explain. Way back in like 1997 before anybody knew who he was, a light skinned, huge yellow pant wearing, and fresh-from-jail Chico DeBarge descended upon Morehouse College’s campus with one popular Tracy Lee (of “It’s Party Time” fame). They both were signing autographs and nobody went to Chico’s line. At the time Tracy Lee was popular…talk about short lived popularity.

Well, not to be discouraged by anybody’s lack of Nobody-Gives-A-Shit-Itis, Chico managed to release one of the best albums of 1997/1998. The only problem was that he didn’t release his own album, he released D’Angelo’s follow up to Brown Sugar causing D’Angelo to have to go into the lab and record Voodoo and change his style altogether. And we all know how that one turned out.

Actually pretty good, but that’s neither here nor there.

[***Sidenote: There seem to be two different schools of thought on D'Angelo: either you're a Brown Sugar person or a Voodoo person. Me? I'm a Brown Sugarer. Okay, that sounded gay. But you get my point. Voodoo is an amazing work and signalled his departure from normalcy and was clearly done in the vein of simplicity and lots of cocaine, but nothing gets me like "Me and Those Dreamin' Eyes of Mine". In my own attempts to release a classic album that divides fans that I don't have yet, I've taken to heron blunts laced with Lysol. Thank you. ***]

Then in another case of mistaken identity, in 2005, Jon Legend released his multi-platinum album, Get Lifted, to much critical acclaim and commercial applause. Much to the chagrin of one Carl Thomas since basically, Jon released Carl Thomas’ third solo album. Not that it wasn’t a good album, but here goes little Jon Stephens parading around the world singing songs that Carl knows he should have been singing. It’s been storied that Carl Thomas was last seen on the ledge on the 15th floor of a hotel in NYC yelling to anybody that will listen that “he’s just an ordinary person…and the only place he knows to go is down…” I sure hope that the summer rain doesn’t make the ledge slipperly, what with him being all emotional and everything. He might actually jump.

Well, Beyonce has joined in the latest line of album jackers. You see, this album has a decidedly different bent to it than what you’d expect from Beyonce. Her vocal stylings, the beat selections, the overall unimaginativeness of the concepts…it would seem that Beyonce has gone and released…

…Amerie’s third album.

Even stole her singing style on a few songs. No, that’s not a good thing. Not exactly a bad thing either but you never hear anybody say that Amerie can sing. We all just talk about the “1 Thing” video and her legs.

You know, she has really nice legs that Amerie does.

The Amerie-esqueness of this album can be felt right from the beginning on the album’s opening track, the summer wood-classic, “Deja Vu”. The shrill yelling she’s doing on this track are very resemblent of Amerie. Hell it’s damn near her trademark right now. Sing as if every song hurts. And not in the pain from the heart, but more like pain from the spleen and pancreas. If you’d asked me back in May when this song leaked if it would have been a dud, I’d say you’re crazy.

Apparently we were all had. It could be the formulaic nature of it, or the just blah feel of it that didn’t really resonate with anybody in the club. But do you know why the song tanked? Like the real reason?

There’s no dance you can identify with it. Everybig hit that’s come out this summer has had some dance that could be easily identified with it. Take Yung Joc’s Pantheon level club banger (and my vote for best song of the year). Who can’t do that? Or Lil Jon’s “Snap Yo’ Fingers”. Or E-40’s “Tell Me When To Go”. For God’s sake, even E-40 had a hit!!!

This is also her fault since when she came out back in 2003 with “Crazy In Love” she had the Beyonce Booty Bounce that women across the nation, ass or not, were enthralled with as men watched. It was the dance that kept on giving. Everybody could participate.

Beyonce…there is no deja vu.

By the way, there are only 10 new songs on this album. Two weeks indeed.

Swizz Beatz comes through on the second track “Get Me ‘Bodied” and recycles the same beat he’s given to damn near everybody. It was cool at first, you know the loud claps and stutter-stop beats, but now its just annoying as the living fuck. Especially since he’s been doing it for like years now. Swizzle must be stopped. Oh…yeah, this song just isn’t that good.

Now the Amerie-ness really kicks off. The third song “Suga Mama” sounds like it came straight from the Amerie vaults, which is a shame because this would have been a great song for Amerie to return with. I’m not sure if he produced it or not, but if this isn’t a Rich Harrison track, then somebody is straight studying ole boy’s style. You could close your eyes and hear Amerie all over this. Mind you, the song is banging like shit…this is hot enough for men and women alike to bump down the street at elderly-death levels.

Oh, since I didn’t say this, Beyonce can clearly sing better than Amerie. So there is SOME vocality here…just not so much. And umm, she begins this song by saying “Damn, that was so good, makes me wanna buy him a short set.”

Beyonce should not speak on her songs ever again.

Don’t you love how long this is?

The song “Freakum Dress” is another un-inspired ass song that sounds like an Amerie throwaway. Not much to say here since it called “Freakum Dress”…basically, you should your put freakum (as in freak him) dress on. Once again, there is nothing to most of these songs. If you thought “Bootylicious” was lyrical mastery, well, you will not be disappointed.

And for the record, I happened to love “Bootylicious”.

The song “Upgrade U” featuring Jay-Z is one that’s grown on me. Basically, having her in your life will result in her upgrading you from lifestyle. I assume it means you’ll eat better as well.

But get this people…she actually says this line:

“I’ll do for you what Martin did for the people…”

And I KNOW she ain’t talking about Martin Lawrence who was last seen toting a gun somewhere around Florence and Normandie in Los Angeles. That Beyonce, just when you think she can’t do more for Black America, she goes and offers to provide racial healing.

God bless Beyonce. Viva la Civil Rights Movement. I wonder how Coretta feels about that?

“Kitty Kat” (I mean are you reading these song titles???) is pretty hot…well, I like it anyway. But the shining star on the album is in the Neptunes produced track “Green Light”. This song has three different movements (okay not really, but work with me). It goes from dance to funk to R&B-ish all in 3:29. And its aboutu giving a man a green light. You know, she definitely went for the Snakes On A Plane approach with these song titles. Just left nothing to the imagination at all. This SHOULD have been a single. In fact either this or “Suga Mama” should have been singles instead of both “Deja Vu” or “Ring The Alarm”.

Ah yes, I forgot about “Ring the Alarm”. I do not like this song at all. And I think the video blows. But I don’t like this song for one reason:

Fergie’s song “London Bridge” is like 10 times better and they sound too similar to me.

Plus, why she yelling? And where in the Hell did she get the inspiration for this? I mean its clearly not about Rihanna, that’s been stated numerous times, so where is the pent up aggression coming from? Is she upset about Jay-Z’s mother hanging around too much? Is that the girl on his arm? Inquiring minds would like to know.

The album closes out with two songs where she does prove that she can still sing, “Irreplaceable” and “Resentment”. These are less dancy type numbers and more the mid-tempo stuff that would have fit on the last album. On “Irreplaceable” she breaks down how basically she can find another man if need be. Jay-Z beware. And “Resentment”…well if you guessed it had ANYTHING to do with resentment, congratulations, you can read.

Oh my favorite line from “Irreplaceable” is: “to the left to the left, everything you own in a box to the left…”

Let ‘em know B…let ‘em know!!!

Oh yes, I was going to say something about MTV, the bastards. There is this group out of B-Town (Berkeley, CA) called The Pack. They have a song that’s been gaining crazy momentum all over the Net. It’s called “Vans”. Perhaps you’ve heard it. Part of the chorus goes, “got my Vans on but they look like sneakers…” Shit is bananas for some reason actually. Anyway, apparently MTV initially banned the video because it comes down to being basically a 4 minute product advertisement for Vans sneakers. Well, because MTV is such a paragon of non-exploitation, they weren’t having it. AT MTV, they don’t believe in product placement, which is why they bleep out certain logos and shit from your favorite rappers videos.

Apparently, MTV doesn’t have a contract with Vans since Nelly’s damn “Air Force One’s” was ALL OVER MTV a few years ago. Or perhaps you remember Busta Rhymes featuring Puffy and Pharrell’s “Pass The Couvoisier?” You do? Good….yeah, they didn’t have any problem playing that shit. Fuck, when “Air Force One’s” hit, you couldn’t find a pair in stores anymore, they were selling like crazy.

Well, I was watching MTV Jams on Sunday and the video is on MTV now. And do you know what the compromise turned out to be?

They bleep out the word “Vans”. Yes, the song’s namesake. What kind of shit is that??? I tell you, at least attempt to shield the BS you’re throwing at me…I mean good got damn. Nike is okay, but 4 niggas from Cali start singing about Vans (and throwing AF1’s away in the video, kind of funny actually), and we got to bleep it out.

Pussies.

Back to Beyonce…so this album isn’t great at all. And it’s low spots are pretty low, “Freakum Dress” in particular. It seems like she wrote that shit in something under 3 minutes and just said, fuck it. But the high points are great, particularly “Suga Mama” and “Green Light” and I’ll even add “Kitty Kat”. The rest of the songs teeter on blah to okay. Is it groundbreaking? No. Is it something for the hoodrats to cling too? Definitely. So it just hits right around better-than-mediocre-right-around-average.

Overall, its listenable but I don’t think it has much staying power, mostly because its short as the fuck and none of the songs is SO outstanding (i.e. “Crazy In Love”) that it will keep the album in people’s minds for a long time. It will go platinum (hell it’s Beyonce) but nobody will be talking about this years from now…

…except for Amerie who should be really pissed right now since Rich Harrison just gave away her next single to Beyonce.

And we all know how bad she needs a breakout single, what with not being able to sing and all.

As a reference, just go and listen to Destiny Fulfilled. It’s a MUCH better listening experience and you won’t even miss this shit. However, as of 9am this morning, it’s been proven that this album can grown on you…

Track Listing for B’ Day (realase September 5, 2006)

1. Deja Vu featuring Jay-Z
2. Get Me Bodied
3. Suga Mama
4. Upgrade U featuring Jay-Z
5. Ring The Alarm
6. Kitty Kat
7. Freakum Dress
8. Green Light
9. Irreplaceable
10. Resentment
11. Bonus Cuts: Check On It, Listen (from Dreamgirls Sdtk), Get Me Bodied Extended Version (I know not why they thought this was a good idea)