Not sure about you, but I love warm weather. I’m so over cold weather at this point. With warm weather comes so many wonderful things. Women wearing less clothing, little birdies chirping at the women dressing with less.

Hell, I’m a man. Hear me pirate.

Gar.

Actually, that’s my sophisticated pirateage up there.

Anyway, I figure that its important to provide a bunch of pointers for women out there on how to maximize your body in the warmth of summer. Really though, I’d just like to note what the fuck NOT to do.

1. If you’re fat, be fat. Don’t try to lie to the mirror. The mirror doesn’t lie.

Had to come straight off the blocks with this one. This winter, I’ve seen many women wearing a wee-bit too tight cloth despite God’s apparent molding to the contrary. All women aren’t intended to wear tight clothing. If you’re of gut, put that motherfucking tight shit up. You shouldn’t wear form fitting clothing if you haven’t got any form. We rail on white girls with no hips and ass for wearing hip-huggers and then I see women with a little to much pouch-action going.

Newsflash: Your tits should be uptop and differentiable from your stomach. Two sets of boobs works great for the circus. Life? Not so much.

2. Daisy dukes can be your friend or your enemy. Chose that battle wisely.

I like daisy dukes. I like legs. However, all women ain’t daisy duke material. If you have ass cheeks falling out of your dukes because you and gravity had an argument, I just might hate you. If gravity gave up on you, don’t try to come back and win that battle after the war’s over and the treaty has been signed. Sneak attacks rarely work how you want them too. Men don’t like flobby ass cheeks. Ass should bounce, not sway sloppily.

3. Daisy dukes (contd.) Tackle the spiderwebs.

Not really sure the nice way to say this but um…I’ve actually seen a chick who looked like she had a mop in a headlock THRU her shorts. A little minor gardening can go a long way. There’s a reason horticulture is an actual profession. Nobody likes bad gardens and weedy plants. Call your arborist. Nobody’s saying your ass needs a Brazillian. But fuck, how about a Panamanian or something…you know, meet a motherfucker half way and shit.

4. Baby powder is important — except when I can see it.

At that point it becomes nasty. If I’m not trying to bake bread, I don’t want to see shit that looks like flour. Why do women come outside all baby powdered up anyway? Like, who the fuck thought that was a good idea? “Girl, I’m almost ready, let me douse myself in baby powder so I can look like the ghost of Jackie Robinson. All the menses love that shit.”

Seriously, I know it’s important to be clean before a little lickylickybouncybouncy, but what if no shower’s available? No licky for you. I’m almost sure it says, “Do not eat baby powder. It does not taste like powdered sugar.”

If this is you, open the medicine cabinet, take too many pills and kill yourself.

5. Clip your motherfucking toenails.

It’s been said a million times over but if your feet look like they’re made for lumberjacking, well, I don’t want to be anywhere in the vicinity. You might fuck around and slice my leg or something. And good gracious, you’d probably have the nerve to wear sandals too…wouldn’t ya bitch?!?! Wouldn’t ya?! CVS sells toenail clippers for pretty cheap. Do the air a favor and clip the toenails. Nails so jacked up you out there slicing air.

6. Let’s talk about summer dresses, mmkay?

Lord do I love summer dresses. The way they lay on chicks who have the body’s for them. However, that implies some women don’t have the body for them. It’s true. I’ve seen it. Dress looks like its fighting for position because some woman just HAD to get that one that’s a few sizes too small. If your shit can’t blow in the wind because it’s too busy being a catsuit you need Jesus.

7. If you look bad in a bra and panties, you will look worse in a bikini.

Once again, bikini’s ain’t for everybody. Shit, swimwear ain’t for everybody. The summer is the time when people like to wear less and the beach is the wear less oyster. And ya know, that’s fine. On the beach, you can do what the fuck you want. The goal is to be in the water. However, if your ass is walking down Collins in South Beach wearing a bikini that looks offended to be associated with you…Houston, we have a problem. Just stop it.

8. If you’re not hot…

…summer is so not your season. Perhaps you’d do better in Fall.

9. If you do have a nice body, make sure you accentuate it.

Don’t be out there being all ashamed that God provided you with men’s kryptonite. Though there is something to be said for leaving something to the imagination, most of us would rather not have to have the imagintion of JK Rowling in order to want to flub you. Show a lil skin if you got good skin. If not, just wear a leather jacket. And if your skin looks like a leather jacket…umm…eww.

10. Just say to yourself that you don’t want to be a hot ass mess.

As long as you try not to be a hot ass mess, I’m sure you can achieve it. As long as you got good friends too. If you’re a total loner except for your cat and a few cans of tuna…

…hibernate til winter.

Thank you and goodnight.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 11th, 2008 at 11:49 am and is filed under Education, Ignorance, Panama's How-To's. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.