Good morning.

Today I’d like to introduce you to a new website that myself and The Champ aka The Artist Formerly Known as d.young of The Royal Youngs have begun.

Very Smart Brothas.

It’s a relationship-centric blog since as you all know, d.young aka The Champ and I are nothing short of motherfucking Svengalis on the relationship tip. We know how to tank them and make them last forever like a Keith Sweat on-bended-knee session. Bitches.

Plus, we’re just smarter than the average person. It’s true — there’s science out there to back up this assertion. And in case you can’t find it, my science is better than yours anyway.

The site shall be updated thrice weekly and we’ll be alternating weeks or on very special occasions when we feel like the people are worthy, we shall be updating on the same day. It will be a place to laugh and to cry.

The Champ has kicked it off today with a short discussion about emotional cheating. Ooooh the tension.

Gar.

So come join myself and The Champ at Very Smart Brothas as we attempt to cause arguments for the hell of it but also enlighten your lives because face it, the world is one big ass blackout…

…until somebody brightens up your day.

Tell a friend, tell a Roman. Hell tell a crackhead if they have computer access. And yes people, I actually WILL BE updating that on my required schedule of three times a week.

Very Smart Brothas — where amazing happens.

And mostly because we’re very smart brothas.

My girlfriend saw a mouse yesterday.

She doesn’t do mice. At all. Needless to say, she showed up at my place in some house shoes and a smirk that said, “We’ll go half on your rent from here on out.”

Now to me, mice are cute. And we’re bigger than them. If we don’t like them, we can kick them into 2nd Orbit or for us–we have a cat–we can let our feline have at it. Which is what ended up happening. In the midst of our conversation, after me having made it abundantly clear that mice just do not scare me she said that “not much scares you”.

Hmmm…though mice don’t really scare me (rats on the other hand are the devil spawn), that’s not completely true. I can think of lots of things that scare me. Follow me.

Panama’s Phobias - If I See It, Imma Do Me and Be The Fuck Out

Suge Knight - I’ve never met the man nor do I have any intention of ever doing so. In fact, I never want him to know my name. There’s a reason he’s the most feared man in hip-hop - he killed Biggie, Tupac, and probably had something to do with Mother Theresa questioning her religion. Of course, I can’t prove the latter, but you can’t prove that I can’t prove the latter.

Except that I said I can’t prove the latter. Le sigh.

Pythons - And I’m not talking muscles either. Let’s say that I got off work and showed up at my home. I walk up to my door and pick a little yellow flower from the flowerbed neslted near my entryway. I smile. Look up at the sun and bask in the glow of the rays of the sun. The world is good. Life is good. I turn my key and open my door. I step inside. If I see a python I’m screaming like a bitch. And I mean I’m registering somewhere near dog-whistle on the sharpness scale. Not only am I screaming, I’m running and vowing never to return to my home. I don’t care if they do a Discovery Channel special on removing that python from my home and I have visual proof that it ain’t there. Pythons eat people.

And I mean really, why the hell was it in my place in the first place? What if I show up and a Boa Constrictor is there chilling watching the 4th season of The Wire or some shit? I’d totally concede the apartment…AND still pay rent. For some reason, I just can’t really see a good reason to piss off a boa constrictor. His first name is already Boa, I’d imagine he had some kind of self-esteem issues from Snake Elementary School. Python screams power. Boa? Not so much.

The IRS - There’s an age old adage that says, “The only certain things in life are death and taxes.” Well, you can escape death. That is unless you go see Miracle Max and he gives you one of those chocolate coated Miracle pills. But even then you have to only be mostly dead, not all the way dead. It helps if you’re white and lived in the 1400’s too. Anyway, we know death is coming so the IRS can’t be far behind. Hell, the IRS even shows up AFTER your dead. They scare me. This is how gangsta the IRS is; peep game.

You have a job and before you even see your paycheck, the IRS has ALREADY taken their cut. It’s like they’re on a daily punk mission. You don’t even get your money until they get theirs. You know what we call that in the real world? Bitchmadeness. You know what we call that in the legal world? Extortion. You know what the IRS calls it? Their just due. Bitches.

And let’s not even get on the subject of an audit. You can’t run from that shit. Hell, sometimes you have to have a heart attack and die for them just to get off your case. Word to Ken Lay.

Getting stranded with no gas on the middle of a stretch of highway in Utah or West Virginia - I’ve got an active imagination. I envision a cadre of white people that hate Black people descending upon me while I walk 80 miles for a gas station and getting eaten alive by the zombies who can’t stand day light. I’m a survivor, I’ll never give up. Destiny’s Child meet I Am Legend.

Hmm…am I the only person who is surprised they never played that in the movie? But Bob Marley? Destiny’s Child…so much hotter than Bob Marley. Speaking of Destiny’s Child. Kelly’s new boobage? Me likey long time. Fill out those shirts girl. Fill ‘em out! I know a chick who recently got a boob job. She touches them all the time. Can’t keep her hands off herself.

There’s no story there, I just felt like sharing.

Sharing is caring. The more you know.

*ding*

Getting kicked in the nuts with some steel-toed boots - Not sure this needs explanation but that scares the shit out of me. I’ve had some 5 pound weights thrown at me before that landed right where the sun don’t shine. I. was. done. for. two. days.

I wonder if I’ve ever brought this up before. I know people have their different theories on what Hell is really like. I envision that Hell is where your worst fear happens over and over for eternity. I’d HATE to be the dude who’s worst fear is getting kick in the nuts. Imagine that shit a bazillion times over. I’m trying to be afraid of flowers or something.

More nuttage: Getting my nuts caught in a door - Say I’m doing naked cartwheels in my house one day…and I’m having a dinner party. Why would I be doing naked cartwheels during a dinner party? I have no clue. Anyway, say I’m doing a carthweel thru my hallway and somebody goes in the bathroom and because I’m King Beef, they slam the door and my shit gets slammed in the door. Seriously, that’s some scary shit. That’s on par with clowns.

Clowns - Okay, so I was only scared of clowns for a year after I saw Stephen King’s “It”. But what a year it was. Fucked up shit is that the day I saw it, I was at my uncle’s house in Alabama and I was sleeping in my cousin’s room. And what, oh what, did she have painted on her walls? Fucking clowns.

Ugly aggressive women - This is an actual fear of mine. There is nothing more scary than an aggressive ugly woman. Throw in portly and I’m shaking in a corner with a blanket and the Bible. I’ve been accosted by a busted bold broad before and she just wouldn’t take no for an answer. And seemed to get visibly upset that I wasn’t interested. So I ran her over with my car.

People who like Soulja Boy as an actual rapper - They might get you killed.

Tarantulas - Look. Daddy Long Legs don’t put the fear in my heart. But a spider that needs a haircut? Fuck that. Spider’s with locs are Black spiders and Black spiders might be packing heat. If I see a random errant Tarantula in my house, fuck it, I’m gone. I saw Arachnophobia. I also saw Charlotte’s Web. So you can add spiders that can read and write to the list of shit that scares me. No Seuss for you!

That’ll do it for now. Hug me.

For years, we’ve been trying to figure out how to get kids to stop schlumping each other at the tender ages of 12-19.

“Wait,” they’d say. And nary an adult ever offered up a really good reason as to not get to some teenage sexxing. Well, aside from that whole teenage pregnancy thing and teenage parenthood thing. But that’s the girl’s problem right?!

Well, NOW, I’ll be damned if we don’t have the best way to reach the kids. By now most folks have heard about the CDC study that claims 1 in 4 teenage girls has an STD. To wit:

At least one in four teenage girls nationwide has a sexually transmitted disease, or more than 3 million teens, according to the first study of its kind in this age group.

A virus that causes cervical cancer is by far the most common sexually transmitted infection in teen girls aged 14 to 19, while the highest overall prevalence is among black girls — nearly half the blacks studied had at least one STD. That rate compared with 20 percent among both whites and Mexican-American teens, the study from the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found.

Um damn.

It seems that teenage pregnancy is on the decline these days which means that kids are either taking the route to abstain or are being smarter about their protective practices. And honestly, I’m not sure school of thought I believe more. With so much drama in the LBC…

Ooops.

With so much information out there in the world today available to a younger generation that’s clearly into information, it’s quite possible that little girls are just saying “No” like we used to do to drugs. Word to Nancy Reagan. However, that same information might be scaring boys into rocking the Jimmie hats. Though I wonder if condom consumption is at an all time high.

But clearly there are lots of kids who are still going to be fucking. It’s inevitable and it’s life. Grownups should accept it and make sure that you provide your kids with all the information they need to make informed decisions. So, for the rest of the kids who will inevitably be fucking, I suggest that we plaster a banner in every classroom across the nation that says:

THERE ARE 20 GIRLS IN THIS CLASS. 5 OF THEM MIGHT BE BURNING. ARE YOU REALLY WILLING TO TAKE THE CHANCE ON BEING WRONG?

Mister…I’m burning up…mister. What have I done stuck my dick in? ~ “Look Who’s Burnin’” Ice Cube Death Certificate

Thing is, I’m half serious about this. For some reason, the risk of pregnancy doesn’t register with boys and in many cases young girls. But throw in a little, “Boy, you might fuck around with the wrong girl and your dick might fall off. No really, read this study from CDC, 25 percent of the girls in your school got something!!!”

Who cares if the math is a little fuzzy or the extrapolation is a wee bit off. The message clearly wouldn’t get across to many boys but I’ll bet if you’d told me in high school when I got my career off the ground that these chicks were running around as internal laboratories, I might have put the career on hold.

Who am I kidding. Young boys don’t care. They’re dumb like the dude Dru on the new season of BET’s College Hill. All they want is pussy.

Nevermind.

Am I the only Black person who’s slightly baffled by white people’s complete fascination with the now ended-cable only televisoin show The Wire?

White people freakin’ loved that show. I know Black folks who never watched it but I can walk into my bathroom at work and hear two random white people talking about The Wire. And I mean they read all the articles published about it and go out searching for more information.

Hell, I feel like if I was from West Baltimore, I’d get a raise.

Not sure about you, but I love warm weather. I’m so over cold weather at this point. With warm weather comes so many wonderful things. Women wearing less clothing, little birdies chirping at the women dressing with less.

Hell, I’m a man. Hear me pirate.

Gar.

Actually, that’s my sophisticated pirateage up there.

Anyway, I figure that its important to provide a bunch of pointers for women out there on how to maximize your body in the warmth of summer. Really though, I’d just like to note what the fuck NOT to do.

1. If you’re fat, be fat. Don’t try to lie to the mirror. The mirror doesn’t lie.

Had to come straight off the blocks with this one. This winter, I’ve seen many women wearing a wee-bit too tight cloth despite God’s apparent molding to the contrary. All women aren’t intended to wear tight clothing. If you’re of gut, put that motherfucking tight shit up. You shouldn’t wear form fitting clothing if you haven’t got any form. We rail on white girls with no hips and ass for wearing hip-huggers and then I see women with a little to much pouch-action going.

Newsflash: Your tits should be uptop and differentiable from your stomach. Two sets of boobs works great for the circus. Life? Not so much.

2. Daisy dukes can be your friend or your enemy. Chose that battle wisely.

I like daisy dukes. I like legs. However, all women ain’t daisy duke material. If you have ass cheeks falling out of your dukes because you and gravity had an argument, I just might hate you. If gravity gave up on you, don’t try to come back and win that battle after the war’s over and the treaty has been signed. Sneak attacks rarely work how you want them too. Men don’t like flobby ass cheeks. Ass should bounce, not sway sloppily.

3. Daisy dukes (contd.) Tackle the spiderwebs.

Not really sure the nice way to say this but um…I’ve actually seen a chick who looked like she had a mop in a headlock THRU her shorts. A little minor gardening can go a long way. There’s a reason horticulture is an actual profession. Nobody likes bad gardens and weedy plants. Call your arborist. Nobody’s saying your ass needs a Brazillian. But fuck, how about a Panamanian or something…you know, meet a motherfucker half way and shit.

4. Baby powder is important — except when I can see it.

At that point it becomes nasty. If I’m not trying to bake bread, I don’t want to see shit that looks like flour. Why do women come outside all baby powdered up anyway? Like, who the fuck thought that was a good idea? “Girl, I’m almost ready, let me douse myself in baby powder so I can look like the ghost of Jackie Robinson. All the menses love that shit.”

Seriously, I know it’s important to be clean before a little lickylickybouncybouncy, but what if no shower’s available? No licky for you. I’m almost sure it says, “Do not eat baby powder. It does not taste like powdered sugar.”

If this is you, open the medicine cabinet, take too many pills and kill yourself.

5. Clip your motherfucking toenails.

It’s been said a million times over but if your feet look like they’re made for lumberjacking, well, I don’t want to be anywhere in the vicinity. You might fuck around and slice my leg or something. And good gracious, you’d probably have the nerve to wear sandals too…wouldn’t ya bitch?!?! Wouldn’t ya?! CVS sells toenail clippers for pretty cheap. Do the air a favor and clip the toenails. Nails so jacked up you out there slicing air.

6. Let’s talk about summer dresses, mmkay?

Lord do I love summer dresses. The way they lay on chicks who have the body’s for them. However, that implies some women don’t have the body for them. It’s true. I’ve seen it. Dress looks like its fighting for position because some woman just HAD to get that one that’s a few sizes too small. If your shit can’t blow in the wind because it’s too busy being a catsuit you need Jesus.

7. If you look bad in a bra and panties, you will look worse in a bikini.

Once again, bikini’s ain’t for everybody. Shit, swimwear ain’t for everybody. The summer is the time when people like to wear less and the beach is the wear less oyster. And ya know, that’s fine. On the beach, you can do what the fuck you want. The goal is to be in the water. However, if your ass is walking down Collins in South Beach wearing a bikini that looks offended to be associated with you…Houston, we have a problem. Just stop it.

8. If you’re not hot…

…summer is so not your season. Perhaps you’d do better in Fall.

9. If you do have a nice body, make sure you accentuate it.

Don’t be out there being all ashamed that God provided you with men’s kryptonite. Though there is something to be said for leaving something to the imagination, most of us would rather not have to have the imagintion of JK Rowling in order to want to flub you. Show a lil skin if you got good skin. If not, just wear a leather jacket. And if your skin looks like a leather jacket…umm…eww.

10. Just say to yourself that you don’t want to be a hot ass mess.

As long as you try not to be a hot ass mess, I’m sure you can achieve it. As long as you got good friends too. If you’re a total loner except for your cat and a few cans of tuna…

…hibernate til winter.

Thank you and goodnight.

…Look at what I bring to the table. ”

Those were the words written by Prodigy of Mobb Deep. On his personal blog, Ballerina P decided to unleash unto the world the trends and shit that he is responsible for in the rap game. (taken from nahright.com)

No, seriously. And we are all better for it. I’m telling you, I’m a little sad the imp is on his way to jail…with nuggets like these, we might need to petition the judge for a suspended sentence on grounds of necessary unintentional comedy. I mean, if we are to believe that what the world needs now, is love, sweet love…then how can we send Prodigy to jail when he so eloquently lets us know why she love him. To wit:

TRENDS PRODIGY HAS SET SINCE 1992 AND STILL IS SETTING IN 2008 AND BEYOND:

#5 HOW I FOLD MY BANDANA

…

#19 WEB SITES, I HAD INFAMOUSSTORES.COM AND WAS WRITING BLOGS BACK IN 99 LONG BEFORE IT BECAME POPULAR IN HIP HOP TO HAVE A WEB SITE.

Oh Prodigy, how fortunate are we that you exist.

Snicker.

Well, since Prodigy seems to be delusional.as.the.fuck. I figured I’d go ahead and bite his style since you know, niggas be questioning my trendsetting and shit. Now, keep in mind, some of this shit may or may not be true. But fuck it, how dare YOU question PANAMA’S trendsetting!!!!

TRENDS PANAMA HAS SET SINCE 2004 AND IS STILL SETTING IN 2008 AND BEYOND:

#1 FIRST NIGGA TO START NAMING HIMSELF AFTER A COUNTRY ON A BLOG. WORD.LIFE.SON. WASN’T NO OTHER NIGGA RUNNIN’ AROUND CALLIN’ HIS SELF PANAMA. NOW ITS NIGGAS LEFT AND RIGHT WITH COUNTRY NAMES LIKE RON MEXICO AND ASIA AND SHIT.

#2 YO WASN’T NOBODY ELSE SAYING THEY WAS SEXXY AND SHIT BEFORE I STARTED THIS SEXXY SHIT. YO SON, AND ALL THEM NIGGAS THAT STARTED MISSPELLING SEXXY WITH TWO AND THREE X’S…BEEN DOING THAT SINCE DAY ONE. SPEAKING OF THAT SHIT…

#3 WASN’T NOBODY REALLY MISSPELLING SHIT AND HAVING GRAMMATICAL ERRORS IN THEIR SHIT UNTIL I STARTED DOING THAT SHIT SON. NIGGAS WAS ALL SPELLING SHIT RIGHT AND USING PROPER SYNTAX UNTIL I BROUGHT THAT REAL eSTREET LINGO TO THE NET SON. WORD TO THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY NIGGA.

#4 FIRST NIGGA TO FALL ASLEEP AT A BLOGGERS HAPPY HOUR AND MAKE IT LOOK PLANNED AND SEXXY. YO SON, CHECK THE STATS. WASN’T NO NIGGA DOING THAT BEFORE I HIT THE SCENE, KID. AND Y’ALL NIGGAS THINK FALLING ASLEEP CUZ YOU DRUNK WAS SOME SHIT YOU STARTED? FUCK THAT. HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY TRENDSETTING, LOOK AT WHAT I BRING TO THE TABLE.

#5 THE WAY I USE THE ‘K’ KEY ON THE KEYBOARD. I USE MY POINTER FINGER. REST OF Y’ALL NIGGAS IS STILL ON SOME MIDDLE FINGER SHIT.

#6 FOR THAT MATTER, THE WAY I USE THE WHOLE DAMN KEYBOARD. Y’ALL NIGGAS BE TYPING. I BE PAINTING NIGGA. I BE PAINTING.

#7 FIRST CAT TO GET WHOLE POSTS STOLEN AND THEN HUMILIATE THE NIGGAS ON BLOG. BITCH ASS NIGGAS WAS DEFINITELY GETTIN’ ROASTED.

#8 RECEIVING BUTT NAKED ASS PICTURES OF RANDOM BLOG-GROUPIES? ME SON. ALL ME.

#9 BLOG-GROUPIES? ME SON. ALL ME.

#10 SHIT HOW MANY HALFBREED ASS FRENCH NEGROES NAMED PANAMA YOU KNOW OUT THERE NOW? 10? 20? WHO YOU THINK STARTED THE HALFBREED NAMED PANAMA SHIT? HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY TRENDSETTING, LOOK AT WHAT I BRING TO THE TABLE.

#11 SHIT…THE TABLE. I DID THAT.

#12 FIRST NIGGA TO MURDER 7 OTHER BLOGGERS IN BLOG-SOAP OPERA. I DID THAT. MURKED ALL THEM NIGGAS. REST OF Y’ALL BITCH ASSES WAS JUST THINKING IT BUT WHO PULLED THE TRIGGER? ME NIGGA. THATS WHO.

#13 STARTED AN ONLINE COLLEGE (PJ UNIVERSITY-WESTSIDE) AND NOW NIGGAS LIKE DEVRY AND UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX ALL IN MY KOOL-AID. FUCK THEM.

#14 YO, THAT ‘I HATE B.E.T’ SHIT? ALL ME NIGGA. NOW ITS FUCKIN SEXXY TO HATE B.E.T. FUCKERS.

#15 SPEAKING OF SHIT OTHER NIGGAS FUCKIN JACKED…THE ELLIPSE…I STARTED THAT SHIT. NOW I SEE THEM ALL OVER THE FUCKIN PLACE. NIGGAS JUST … LIKE CRAZY. FUCK YALL. THATS ALL ME.

#16 MAKING WORDS NOT RHYME THAT NORMALLY WOULD. WHEN I BE WRITING MY BLOGS HALF THEM SHITS DONT BE RHYMING. LOOK IN THE MIRROR NIGGA AND ASK YOURSELF WHO STARTED THAT SHIT. BEFORE ME Y’ALL WAS ON THAT SHAKESPEARE SONNET SOLILOQUY BULLSHIT. ME NIGGA, TRENDSETTER P, I MAKE THE WORDS SING NIGGA. AND IT AINT IN A/B FORMAT BITCH.

#17 PICKING UP CHICKS WITH STRICT WIT AND CHARM. ALL ME. UNLIKE THE REST OF Y’ALL BITCH ASS NIGGAS I NEVER SHOWED MY FACE AND STILL HAD CHICKS THROWING THEIR PROVERBIAL eDRAWZ AT ME. LICKEMHIGHLICKEMLOW69…I SEE YOU GIRL.

#18 THE WAY I WEAR MY WATCH. TWO RUBBERBANDS. WATCH. TWO MORE RUBBERBANDS. REST OF YALL JUST ROCK A WATCHBAND.

#19 SHOWED REAL STRIPPER LOVE BY SHOWING HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE FOR THE WORLD. REST OF YALL JUST WATCH ‘EM. I EXALT AND EXPLAIN THEM. MAKE IT RAIN? NAW. I MAKE IT THUNDERSTORM.

#20 I COULD KEEP GOING BUT IM TIRED. FUCK YALL. HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY TRENDSETTING, LOOK AT WHAT I BRING TO THE TABLE.