Ten points and a pack of Red Kool-Aid to anybody who can tell me where the title of this post came from!

The points can be redeemed at my new store, Black History Relics where this month’s featured gem is the other half of Kunte Kinte’s severed foot. It’s a big seller for us. If you do indeed get Kunte’s Missing Toes, we’ll also throw in the original manuscript that Alex Haley plagiarized in order to write Roots.

Good movie though. A little long, but definitely a good movie.

Christmas Day is upon us and much like everybody else, I’m scrambling like O.J. Simpson in a courtroom to determine the best gifts to bestow upon my family, friends, and loved ones–which can sometimes be family or friends, but is not always family or friends.

For instance, I love Mandy Moore, Lauren London, Christina Milian, Paula Patton, Beyoncé, Halle Berry…well you get the point and I don’t know any of them (we know one another spiritually but some of y’all claim to know God spiritually and we know that’s just not true, so let’s just pretend I didn’t just type those last, umm 31 words.). I like pretty, shiny women. Not to be confused with R.E.M. who like shiny, happy people. It’s a small but significant difference.

Anyway, as my service to mankind, I figure that I could provide some insight into the kinds of gifts that you could give to your giftees. Do you realize that he word giftee actually appears in law-language? I have always wondered why legal language was intentionally so verbose and indecipherably difficult to wade through. Then I realized the answer.

It’s because Wu-Tang loves the kids.

You know what? Remix. I’m going to tell you what kind of gifts I’d give our favorite celebrities. Yes, that’s what I’m going to do. Allons-y. Translate it bitch.

That’s so a t-shirt.

Lil’ Wayne - Some common sense and a blow up doll

Perhaps I’m the only one reading all of his interviews but he’s said some pretty uberfucking stupid shit lately. In fact, just recently, igmo said that he’s so real he’d kill a newborn baby if somebody basically wanted that beef with him. In a national publication. Word. Life. Lil Weezy needs a mentor people. Also, I’d get him the blow up doll so that he could stop kissing Baby. Please say the Baby.

50 Cent - A Bible

Mostly because I just feel like he needs Jesus but more specifically because he does live in a house that is the size of a small hotel. And all hotels have Bibles in them. Ruh-roh. I smell a story coming on.

So a few weeks back I was in Trenton, New Jersey, staying in a Marriott. Well, apparently Marriott’s have both the Bible and the Book of Mormon in their hotels. On the cover of the Book of Mormon it stated “Another Testament of something or other”. Inside the Book of Mormon, somebody had left a note that said, “There is no OTHER testament. Put this down and open the real Bible, bitch or may god bring down the wrath of the judge who sentenced Vick to 23 months in jail and a partridge in a pear tree.” Okay, about 75 percent of that was untrue, but they did leave a note in there that said Wu-Tang is for the children.

“…believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear, even if it’s spat by me, and with that said, I will kill niggas dead…” ~ Jay-Z “Ignorant Shit”

And speaking of…

Michael Vick - toothbrush, soap, doo-rag, DVD box set of Oz

Hmm….too easy drill sargeant, too easy.

Ashanti - slightly bigger drawz

Have you all seen the picture floating around the net of Ashanti’s special place? Apparently at a show she did some time ago, somebody took a picture at the most (in)opportune moment and got a crotch-shot of Ashanti’s box-o’-fun.

So, ummm, how many people are about to google that right now? It’s okay. You can be honest.

Lupe Fiasco - better beat selection(s) and better clothes

For the record, I do not like Lupe Fiasco. At all. He just doesn’t appeal to me at all. I’ve liked a total of about 2 of his songs and even then it was moreso because I was beat over the head with them. Somehow, Lupe was the posterboy for what was right with the rap until the great Lupe Fiasco of 2007 at the vh1 Hip-Honors joint. Anyway, Lupe is a damn good lyricist. I’m listening to his new album The Cool (in stores 12/18) as I type this and his beats just ain’t good. And when I say, ain’t good, I mean, ain’t good. He’s like Nas at this shit. Except at least Nas has Illmatic to fall back upon. Food & Liquor? Eh, not so much that hot shit. Oh yes, and I’d like to ask that Kanye West stop dressing Lupe Fiasco as he’s starting to look like a total funboy.

Kanye West - a hug

I have nothing to say here except that brother went from having the best. year. ever. to having the worst. year. ever. Heaven, he needs a hug way more than R. Kelly. R. Kelly doesn’t even deserve it. Hmm…

R. Kelly - a swift kick in the ass

Just because.

Paris Hilton - hmmm…

She’s been remarkably quiet over the past few months. Must be making more movies! Glory day.

On the other hand, this heffa -

Britney Spears - A Bible

Because she really does seem to need Jesus. Maybe 50 can loan her one of his.

Bow Wow & Omarion - ice cream for Bow Wow and an ultraperm for O

So apparently Bow Wow has appedicitis. Godspeed young pup. May you have a speedy recovery and return to the rash of screaming young 12-year olds upon which your career was built. Omarion, my mellow my man, you’re hair looks gay. And it looks a hot mess. And that’s a problem because most gay shit is not a hot mess. It is just gay. Which leads to some strange choices at times but those strange choices are often endorsed by Paris which is, ya know, gay, so who am I to really argue with fashion. Your hair? I argue with. Stop it.

Panama Jackson - new Outkast album

I really want one of those. And it’s looking like a reality. RIGHT after Big Boi and Dré release solo albums. Again. I don’t know about you but if André 3000 releases a rap album, the game might get officially shut down. He’s been on such a tear lately with his verses that he’s gotten to the point where you just HAVE to listen to what he will say.

André 3000 > Souljaboy Tell’Em

Oh my fault, GRAMMY nominated Souljaboy Tell’Em

My guitar gently weeps.

Wu-Tang Clan - hugs all around

Just because these niggas, and mostly just Raekwon (of one good album fame) and Ghostface Killah (of LOTS of good albums fame) are just acting like some bitches. And really, it’s just mostly Raekwon. He’s gone bitch on us. I guess that’s what happens when you can’t quite get your album released.

This makes me think of something though. These niggas heard the songs that RZA was producing for their new album 8 Diagrams. If they didn’t like them, why in the fuck did they rap on them. And not only rap on them, but rap like their lives depended on it? If you no likey, no rappy. You look even more bitchmade for not only complaining about the album, but for the fact that you totally showed up 100 percent on some shit you didn’t agree with in the first place.

So…

Raekwon - a set of nards

Heh heh heh.

I mean, ho ho ho.

Speaking of ho ho ho’s…

Superhead - some damn humility

How you gonna do my boy Eddie Winslow like that?! How you gonna let him fake wife you up when you know what kind of ho you is!

And yes I know it’s his fault, but I couldn’t say ho ho ho’s and NOT put Superhead there.

Obama - Jesus

Bro’s before hoes my man.

And on a side note, be on the lookout for a new album my girlfriend and I are putting together called Beautiful Love and Bitches. It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t go that go-go swing.

Shu-bop shu-bop shu-bop shu-bop.

Goodnight and goodluck.

Merry Christmas bitches.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 12th, 2007 at 11:32 am and is filed under Celebrity Fun, Entertainment. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.