So apparently the holidays are when people lose their damn mind. Seriously. All you have to do is comb through any random entertainment site and you’ll see some of the most ri-damn-diculous news ever. So let us begin.

Oh and by the way, I’ve been working like an actual Hebrew slave for the past two weeks only coming up for air twice. Okay, perhaps a few more times than twice but you get my point. A brotha was doing work for his actual day job (not just the night job) at approximately 2AM on Friday night.

This AFTER leaving the night job early so that I could do work for the day job. And people say government workers don’t be doing shit. Shit. Or maybe even, sheeeeeeee-it. However, it’s back to the grill again and I’m gearing up for a busy 2008. I have so much crap on the books right now you’d think that I was 4 people. But alas, I’m only one.

But when that one is Panama Muhfuckin’ you KNOW you’re in for a treat. Word to halloween, bitches.

So onto motherfuckers losing their mind. Let’s start with Amy Winehouse.

Have you ever just been worried about somebody you don’t know? That’s me right now. I don’t particularly care for her that much however I’m worried about that dame’s mental. And not in the Michael Jackson way either. Mike seem’s harmless to me. Amy Winehouse seems like a tornado looking for her next trailer park. Her and her husband are like the white Bobby and Whitney in every possible bad way you can view that. This white-nigga is going to jail for tampering with a witness (her husband that is) and allegedly these motherfuckers have…

…wait for it…

…wait for it…

…Beautiful Love and Bitches coming soon to a ghetto near you…

…allegedly threatened suicide if they are separated for more than 5 years.

Good God. These Euros are a few sandwiches short of an English picnic. Not sure what you’d call an English picnic as I’m positive it would include tea and crumpets. So perphaps they’re a few teabags short of an English tea-time. Fuck it, you get my point.

These white people are wasting their whiteness on stupid shit and acting like ignant niggas. Word to Paul Mooney. You can read all about Amy Winehouse’s travails on tmz, vh1, MTV, hell, anywhere at this point. I beg of you not to look at her pictures. For any of us who’ve done any time in the actual hood and have seen a real crackhead, these pictures will be a painful reminder of the fact that there are white crackheads…which of course, does absolutely NOTHING for race relations in America.

White crackheads + Black crackheads = so not that hot shit. However, I’ll bet crackheads everywhere have been saying, “and here’s another hit, Barry Bonds” right before taking that drag.

Hip-hop. It’s everywhere people. Embrace it.

On to the next one…

Any long time readers of this site know that I’m an Omarion fan. I’ve actually purchased his albums and have sang their praises. What can I say? The lil’ guy’s got talent. Could use a growth spurt, but couldn’t we all? Though I must say, there must be a correlation between gaining success at an early age and lack of height. These niggas STAY short forever. Must be those weight-training regimens that give 8-year-old’s abs of steel.

Well, Omarion, or O as we affectionately call him around the Jackson G. Tickle offices, and lil Bow Weezy have recorded an album together called “Face/Off” which not coincidentally has THE gayest album cover in recent history. But whatever. Either way, Bow Wow has been on a tear lately in his attempts to understand why they (though my guess he’s wondering more from his own perspective) don’t get the respect they deserve. O has seemed pretty level headed and sane in most of the conversations but he’s begun to come out of the shell and emulate his miniature-companion. Allow me to provide a few links for you to ponder:

Please see here and here, and oh please see here.

Oy vey. People, my guitar is gently weeping. I’ve come to the conclusion that Bow Wow lives in an alternate universe where he is actually important to the progression of music as a whole. He lives in a place where his talent and not his Jermaine Dupri cookie-cutter existence is the sole reason anybody knows him at all.

You see, in the le monde de Bow Wow, he is actually a motherfucking monster rapper who’s skills are better than anybody else. Nevermind the fact that T.I. is a well known ghost-writer for him or that his ENTIRE swagger and mannerisms are completely T.I.-esque at this point which means that they are Jay inspired. He even mentions on that last video how he’s sold out Madison Square Garden’s twice and even Jay hasn’t done that. Though, that’s largely because Jay’s only done one show there, but that’s just splitting hairs now isn’t it.

Further, the fact that Jay did it once with actual grown people and not a screaming gaggle of 12-year old court cases kind of speaks volumes about Bow Wow’s actual relevance. I mean, if Bow Wow doesn’t release material, he has no fans. Jay can stop releasing material and will still have fans. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever met a person who’s said to me:

Panama, do you know who’s underrated? Bow Wow. He doesn’t get the shine he deserves. It’s been said about Omarion (though it was probably said by me, but that’s neither here nor there). In short (heh heh heh–pun intended), Bow Wow has lost his gotdamn mind.

Word to his handlers, let the imp know that he is not important. If 99 percent of LL’s fans wear high-heels, then 99 percent of Bow Wow’s fans wear training bras.

Hmm, Chris Brown has older fans than Bow Wow does. Could be because he’s taller. Me no know.

And lastly, I’d like to send a “Wow, you’re fucked” to the exec’s at Nickelodeon. It’s been reported that Jamie Lynne Spears, the younger sister of Britney Spears is pregnant. She’s the star of “Zoey 101″, a popular show on the children’s network (though grown ass people like me actually do watch Nickelodeon). Hmm, chicks get pregnant all the time.

She’s 16.

Well, Nicelodeon, how exactly to you spin yourself out of a situation where your shows push teenage innocence and mischief and one of young-as-the-fuck teenage stars is not only OBVIOUSLY fucking but has gone and got knocked the fuck up. There is no positive way to spin that. Something told me that they needed to keep that girl from her looney sister but man, she’s a 16-year-old teen star who has been knocked up by a 19-year-old.

Ruh-roh. Not sure how shit runs in Louisiana, but it seems like that’s one of those statutory rape charges that got young Genarlow Wilson sent up shit’s creek. And you know what, there is very little difference here aside from the fact that one happened in Louisiana and the other is in Georgia and different states do different shit.

Genarlow was on tape and this fellow’s evidence is in his girlfriend’s belly. And um, no pun intended there at all. Though that is a sort of double entendre thing but I’ll let the pervs run with that one.

Either way, I blame her mother for not making her understand the levity of getting pregant young. Her career? Ruined. You can’t get a job on a wholesome network or anything anymore because of this. Teenage pregnancy is not something to aspire too. And Nickelodeon is all about aspirations. Those shows all have some kind of message in them about being all you can be–and not in the army sense either.

So yes, Nicelodeon, you’re fucked. Welcome to Blackness.

Sounds like a book title doesn’ it?

2008 — the year to be.

So word to the wise — if you have any inkling of acting a damn fool between now and January 1st, just resist the temptation and wait until the next week.

It’s a much better look.

Goodnight and goodluck.

Ten points and a pack of Red Kool-Aid to anybody who can tell me where the title of this post came from!

The points can be redeemed at my new store, Black History Relics where this month’s featured gem is the other half of Kunte Kinte’s severed foot. It’s a big seller for us. If you do indeed get Kunte’s Missing Toes, we’ll also throw in the original manuscript that Alex Haley plagiarized in order to write Roots.

Good movie though. A little long, but definitely a good movie.

Christmas Day is upon us and much like everybody else, I’m scrambling like O.J. Simpson in a courtroom to determine the best gifts to bestow upon my family, friends, and loved ones–which can sometimes be family or friends, but is not always family or friends.

For instance, I love Mandy Moore, Lauren London, Christina Milian, Paula Patton, Beyoncé, Halle Berry…well you get the point and I don’t know any of them (we know one another spiritually but some of y’all claim to know God spiritually and we know that’s just not true, so let’s just pretend I didn’t just type those last, umm 31 words.). I like pretty, shiny women. Not to be confused with R.E.M. who like shiny, happy people. It’s a small but significant difference.

Anyway, as my service to mankind, I figure that I could provide some insight into the kinds of gifts that you could give to your giftees. Do you realize that he word giftee actually appears in law-language? I have always wondered why legal language was intentionally so verbose and indecipherably difficult to wade through. Then I realized the answer.

It’s because Wu-Tang loves the kids.

You know what? Remix. I’m going to tell you what kind of gifts I’d give our favorite celebrities. Yes, that’s what I’m going to do. Allons-y. Translate it bitch.

That’s so a t-shirt.

Lil’ Wayne - Some common sense and a blow up doll

Perhaps I’m the only one reading all of his interviews but he’s said some pretty uberfucking stupid shit lately. In fact, just recently, igmo said that he’s so real he’d kill a newborn baby if somebody basically wanted that beef with him. In a national publication. Word. Life. Lil Weezy needs a mentor people. Also, I’d get him the blow up doll so that he could stop kissing Baby. Please say the Baby.

50 Cent - A Bible

Mostly because I just feel like he needs Jesus but more specifically because he does live in a house that is the size of a small hotel. And all hotels have Bibles in them. Ruh-roh. I smell a story coming on.

So a few weeks back I was in Trenton, New Jersey, staying in a Marriott. Well, apparently Marriott’s have both the Bible and the Book of Mormon in their hotels. On the cover of the Book of Mormon it stated “Another Testament of something or other”. Inside the Book of Mormon, somebody had left a note that said, “There is no OTHER testament. Put this down and open the real Bible, bitch or may god bring down the wrath of the judge who sentenced Vick to 23 months in jail and a partridge in a pear tree.” Okay, about 75 percent of that was untrue, but they did leave a note in there that said Wu-Tang is for the children.

“…believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear, even if it’s spat by me, and with that said, I will kill niggas dead…” ~ Jay-Z “Ignorant Shit”

And speaking of…

Michael Vick - toothbrush, soap, doo-rag, DVD box set of Oz

Hmm….too easy drill sargeant, too easy.

Ashanti - slightly bigger drawz

Have you all seen the picture floating around the net of Ashanti’s special place? Apparently at a show she did some time ago, somebody took a picture at the most (in)opportune moment and got a crotch-shot of Ashanti’s box-o’-fun.

So, ummm, how many people are about to google that right now? It’s okay. You can be honest.

Lupe Fiasco - better beat selection(s) and better clothes

For the record, I do not like Lupe Fiasco. At all. He just doesn’t appeal to me at all. I’ve liked a total of about 2 of his songs and even then it was moreso because I was beat over the head with them. Somehow, Lupe was the posterboy for what was right with the rap until the great Lupe Fiasco of 2007 at the vh1 Hip-Honors joint. Anyway, Lupe is a damn good lyricist. I’m listening to his new album The Cool (in stores 12/18) as I type this and his beats just ain’t good. And when I say, ain’t good, I mean, ain’t good. He’s like Nas at this shit. Except at least Nas has Illmatic to fall back upon. Food & Liquor? Eh, not so much that hot shit. Oh yes, and I’d like to ask that Kanye West stop dressing Lupe Fiasco as he’s starting to look like a total funboy.

Kanye West - a hug

I have nothing to say here except that brother went from having the best. year. ever. to having the worst. year. ever. Heaven, he needs a hug way more than R. Kelly. R. Kelly doesn’t even deserve it. Hmm…

R. Kelly - a swift kick in the ass

Just because.

Paris Hilton - hmmm…

She’s been remarkably quiet over the past few months. Must be making more movies! Glory day.

On the other hand, this heffa -

Britney Spears - A Bible

Because she really does seem to need Jesus. Maybe 50 can loan her one of his.

Bow Wow & Omarion - ice cream for Bow Wow and an ultraperm for O

So apparently Bow Wow has appedicitis. Godspeed young pup. May you have a speedy recovery and return to the rash of screaming young 12-year olds upon which your career was built. Omarion, my mellow my man, you’re hair looks gay. And it looks a hot mess. And that’s a problem because most gay shit is not a hot mess. It is just gay. Which leads to some strange choices at times but those strange choices are often endorsed by Paris which is, ya know, gay, so who am I to really argue with fashion. Your hair? I argue with. Stop it.

Panama Jackson - new Outkast album

I really want one of those. And it’s looking like a reality. RIGHT after Big Boi and Dré release solo albums. Again. I don’t know about you but if André 3000 releases a rap album, the game might get officially shut down. He’s been on such a tear lately with his verses that he’s gotten to the point where you just HAVE to listen to what he will say.

André 3000 > Souljaboy Tell’Em

Oh my fault, GRAMMY nominated Souljaboy Tell’Em

My guitar gently weeps.

Wu-Tang Clan - hugs all around

Just because these niggas, and mostly just Raekwon (of one good album fame) and Ghostface Killah (of LOTS of good albums fame) are just acting like some bitches. And really, it’s just mostly Raekwon. He’s gone bitch on us. I guess that’s what happens when you can’t quite get your album released.

This makes me think of something though. These niggas heard the songs that RZA was producing for their new album 8 Diagrams. If they didn’t like them, why in the fuck did they rap on them. And not only rap on them, but rap like their lives depended on it? If you no likey, no rappy. You look even more bitchmade for not only complaining about the album, but for the fact that you totally showed up 100 percent on some shit you didn’t agree with in the first place.

So…

Raekwon - a set of nards

Heh heh heh.

I mean, ho ho ho.

Speaking of ho ho ho’s…

Superhead - some damn humility

How you gonna do my boy Eddie Winslow like that?! How you gonna let him fake wife you up when you know what kind of ho you is!

And yes I know it’s his fault, but I couldn’t say ho ho ho’s and NOT put Superhead there.

Obama - Jesus

Bro’s before hoes my man.

And on a side note, be on the lookout for a new album my girlfriend and I are putting together called Beautiful Love and Bitches. It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t go that go-go swing.

Shu-bop shu-bop shu-bop shu-bop.

Goodnight and goodluck.

Merry Christmas bitches.

It’s no secret that race relations in this nation are nowhere near perfect. There are still various semblances of Jim Crow era law enforcement present as evidenced by the Jena 6 cases and the few and far between indictments of police officers killing Black men left and right.

Not to mention the still very real imbalances across the board in terms of just sheer equality. Without a real leader to help push the envelope, I fear that these systemic problems will linger forever. Ambulance-chaser Jesse Jackson and A Pimp Named Straighback (Al) just don’t resonate with the people. For one, they might be less proactive than the KKK in actually starting the conversations geared towards racial balance. Best believe though, if a nigga stubs his toe and a white man’s around???

They got your back.

For two, it’s just really hard to take a motherfucker serious when he has a perm. Sure, we should look past the surface and see what’s on the inside, but hell, you can’t see what’s on the inside because we’re too damn distracted by his follicle folly. You wouldn’t trust Snoop to lead the racial revolution in this nation but at least he has entertainment to fall back on as his reason -do-perm.

Al…not so much. And Al, James Brown is dead. You can get a haircut now.

Seriously, does your pastor have a perm? I remember driving thru southwest Atlanta a few months ago and seeing a billboard of a pastor with a perm. At that point, I realized I could never go to his church. If you ever want me to listen to you, don’t get a perm if you got a set of balls.

Anyway, this morning, it came to me like a song I wrote. I realized the one person who could lead our nation out of the shrouded shadowy past of which we cannot transcend; the individual who could exact such reason and common sense on the masses that we couldn’t help but to listen. He doesn’t have a perm (though he might have had one at on point). Black and white people love him.

I’m speaking of…

…Justin Timberlake (with an assist from Timbaland).

Okay, I see you all looking at me like I’m crazy. But follow me.

Who doesn’t like Justin Timberlake? I mean really. He managed to not only successfully move on past being in a fruity-cum-fruity boy band (albeit the most successful one) but he did so AND gained a gazillion Black fans in the process.

He’s also banging Jessica Biel which gets him so many points. She’s hot.

Justin has worked with Beyonce (which totally elevated the song “Until The End of Time” to magnanimous heights), Three 6 Mafia, the Clipse, 50 Cent and has slept with Cameron Diaz, Britney Spears, Jessica Biel, and numerous other white chicks.

Do you see what this means? It means that even the most gangsta of knuccas will listen to him and all the white girls will too. That’s who we need in order to bring about racial harmony. Kumbaya isn’t but a dream anymore kiddies. It’s a possibility.

Even Black women love him, though they all think he’s gay. But hell, that helps too. Anybody that will listen. And despite the fallout from Nipplegate, he totally got to touch Janet Jackson’s nipple.

How many people can say they got to do that?

Aside from El Debarge and JD probably not that many people. Granted, I don’t exactly want to touch it now as it’s aged quite a bit, but it’s still Janet Jackson’s ta-ta. That speaks to something.

Justin Timberlake makes songs for all people. He speaks for everybody and makes sure to provide us with what we need in the process. He brought sexy back despite me never letting it go in the first place, but he did it with flair so I gave him a pass. And be real, most of us thought “Sexyback” was an asstastic mess when it dropped, but still, we loved it because it was Justin.

If Justin can bring all the white girls to the table, the white men will follow eventually. Where there’s pussy, there is desire for pussy. The gangsta dudes will make all the wannabe gangsta knuccas (namely the rest of us) want to come to the table of equity. Justin could then broker a deal that would result in racial harmony for one…for all.

If JT keeps singing his little heart away and Timbaland continues to guide his heart with help from Danja Handz, then nothing but good can come for mankind.

If Justin decided tomorrow that he wanted racial harmony, then by George, it would be. That’s the power of the curly haired chap from Memphis. He reaches us all.

Let us all reach back.

Blogging.

What an interesting past-time this phenomenon became. I say became because at this point, it is what it is. At one point, blogging was the new thing. New blogs were popping up to the tune of thousands a day. The joy of finding a new interesting blog was unparalleled. Pretty much, it had no parallel.

Blogging was as much a social activity as MySpace of Facebook have become. Especially amongst the Black bloggers. We all found one another and formed and maintained actual friendships (in some cases even relationships) and hung out at Blogger Happy Hours and created new never-ever-seen televisions shows like Homiez. Everyday that I got to work, after going through my myriad news-based websites, I’d hit the blog circuit reading nothing short of 30 to 40 blogs a day. Because of this I met some of my closest friends to date. And since we’re all pretty much Black and live in major cities, I’ve had the pleasure of hanging out with all of them numerous times.

And then, blogging got boring. I’ve been reading over my past, sifting through random blog postings made since my debut in 2004 and I’m amazed at how passionate a writer I was. It’s no wonder that back then I was offered a gazillion writing jobs in random places. I was fun and interesting. Hell, I crack up now reading things that I wrote, nevermind that I don’t even remember writing much of it. But at some point, my interests moved away from blogging. Overall, I got tired of reading everybody’s sites. Folks were saying the same shit over and over and boring the living fuck out of me in the process. People that I used to love reading quit blogging or were clearly forcing it.

And there’s nothing worse than forcing it. I’ve done it a few times. You get to the point where you’re filling in space because people are expecting you to write — for free. It becomes a job and anybody who’s employed like us regular people know that jobs suck ass. Sure, you need them to keep the lights on and food in the refrigerator, but largely, if most of us could be anywhere else than at work, we’d be there.

Fuckajob.

On the other side, some people who began blogging around the time I did have become not only internet celebrities but minor actual celebrities in their own right, which is always funny. You see people popping up in major publications and you know them and remember when you both were starting at ground zero. It’s a good feeling actually. For whatever reason, I didn’t want that shine or that wasn’t my goal. Come to find out, I never had any goals blogging. I just felt like writing because it was fun. Obtaining readers galore was icing on the cake and only served to help fuel the fire I had. That and all of the stupid shit that this world creates daily.

But being a good and interesting blogger actually requires a lot of work. You have to constantly come up with something to blog about which is no small task. You have to constantly be abreast of pop culture and unpop culture. Unless of course you’re writing of very personal nature, which I wasn’t. People got to know lots about me but it was thru reading between the lines and keeping a constantly tally card of all the pieces of personal information I’d placed in the atmosphere.

So I wonder, what happened to the passion I had to write? I still enjoy writing and I’m good at it. Sue me, I’m sexxy. Only every now and then do I come across something that really makes me want to speak via blog. I find myself sticking to my lane of race, music, and relationships; things I know best. And that bothers me to some end. What happened to the cat who was creative and witty and could approach anything from any angle. What happened to the different angles I would always find?

What’s changed? Clearly I’m older but sheesh, that shouldn’t make but so much of a difference. I’m the same cat I’ve always been just with much less time (not coincidentally due to this very blog) and yet, when I read the older posts, I see somebody who was hungry, not somebody who’s been eating for a while.

You know something’s wrong when you want the hunger pains.

And yet I do…