Boredom besets me. So I figured I’d share random shit. Follow me.

Yesterday as I drove into work I was approached by a homeless man asking for money but simultaneously trying to sell me bootleg CDs. I’m not sure why this struck me as odd that the bootlegger would be homeless except…

…how the hell do you make bootlegs, Mr. I Don’t Have a Home So Give Me Some Money For Food. Bootlegging requires equipment. My guess is that he either robbed somebody or some cat just gave him the CD’s to sell a la the drug world. Ya know, you sell these for me and get to keep a cut off the profits. I can’t lie I’ve pondered doing that with people before since I get everything hella early.

I saw a grown ass man wearing a dress slacks today but had them hanging off his ass as he trapised into work. Needless to say he looked like shit. Dress slacks aren’t intended to be hanging off of one’s ass. They are intended to be worn at the waist. Sagging in dress pants actually looks like you took a real shit on yourself, not the mythical shit that most people say it looks like. Nope, looks like a real one.

I was reading CNN today and it seems that a missing girl has been found and she was a porn “star”. Now, when I read the story nothing about her seemed to indicate actual porn star so much as chick who got naked and might have sucked a few on film. That doesn’t make her a star. Nasty? Perhaps. But star? Not so much. That’s not to say that I judge the porn industry. Fucking is good so there’s no reason why somebody shouldn’t be getting paid for it. Plus, some porn is just downright entertaining. This harkens back to anytime a nigga gets shot and he owns a microphone he gets labeled as a rapper who’s been killed. Just cuz a motherfucker is “aspiring” doesn’t make him something. But since that’s how the media gets down, in the event that I get mowed down on the merciless DC streets, I’d like the papers to read: Aspiring Billionaire Panama Muhfuckin’ Bought The Farm

That’s fun on so many levels.

It’s looking like it’s going to be a good 4th quarter for rap music. Maybe sales wise anyway. I can’t say that I’ve cared much for a large majority of the major label albums that have come out. I’ve already stated my opinion on Alicia Keys. There is just no way anybody can convince me that she’s great. It’s impossible. I’m not a Wu-Tang fan at all and this new album isn’t exactly going to convert me. American Gangster was good though. I might have already played it out though. Freeway? Sure, I’ll drive on one but I pretty much can’t stand him and his album, though critiqued as being so great, really is just bleh to me.

So Lauren London is dating Lil Wayne? Hmm…that should give hope to ugly motherfuckers everywhere as fine as she is. Though it doesn’t say much for her mentally. Have you read interviews by Lil Weeziana lately? He sounds like he smokes that good greeny green green at least 2 to 300 times a day. Not only is he non-sensical he’s completely indecipherable. Go ahead, TRY to figure out the distinction between the two. Not only do most of his verses not make much sense but now his interviews are following suit. Weezy F. Baby (please say the Baby) my just crazy himself right out of the young people’s consciousness.

Of course if Soulja Boy is the next hope then God forgive us all.

Save us too.

Apparently Diamond from Crime Mobb has left and gone solo. And in more news you couldn’t care less about, I’m wearing Timberlands today.

I mentioned before about the large amounts of crime going down in my neighborhood. Well, I’ll be got damned if it aint continuing and the shit aint happening at 3am. Nope. A few blocks over from me some folks got robbed at a bus stop at 545pm. Granted its dark then but shit…criminals just have NO respect for the law.

I heard the word comport for the first time yesterday ever. I still don’t know what it means as I’ve yet to look it up but man that’s an interesting word.

Which brings up another point. In my job, I do a lot of legal research and reading. There are too many damn words in the English language. We have 80 words that mean the same shit. No wonder why English is such a hard language to learn, it’s convoluted. Viva la Spanish. Now they’ve got it down. Hell, even most people have the same names. Yell Maria in a Latino area and see how many folks turn around. That’s progress right there!

You ever go into the bathroom at work and somebody’s made themselves a little bit too comfortable? You too? Public restrooms should be a place of peace and quiet. I shouldn’t feel offended by your bathroom manner. Stop it, you!

Okay, I’m bored now so I’ll stop.

Washington D.C. is having the worst. week. ever.

Everybody around here is talking about the shooting death of Washington Redskin’s football player Sean Taylor, and rightfully so. It’s tragic when young people’s lives are taken in such a cavalier and reckless manner. Even more so in this case because the details make it sound like it was less a robbery and more personal. He was shot in his bedroom. And he had a machete.

I hate to do this here, but do you remember what T.I. was holding in his bedroom? Yeah, army guns–the type of army guns that turn over Humvees and take out missile silos in countries shooting for gold in the nuclear arms race. T.I.? Wouldn’t be a victim in a home invasion. Imagine what he was holding under his pillow. My guess is that it was some sort of semi-automatic hunting rifle. You know, the kind that gives animals a fair chance to get away!

Either way, R.I.P. Sean Taylor.

That’s not the only bad news in Washington right now. On Monday, a report was released about the AIDS epidemic in DC. And boy is it ugly. Turns out DC has the highest concentration of HIV/AIDS cases in the nation and that 9 out of 10 new HIV cases are…

…in Black women.

Click here to read the article.

You don’t need to be a statistician to know that those numbers are pretty shitty. Basically, if you aren’t strapping up in this city, you are an idiot. A first class idiot. In fact, your level of idiocy is unprecedented. Your level of idiocy is on par with Magic Johnson being the only living human being who seemingly has managed to get HIV to untraceable levels in his body. Which begs the question…if you can’t trace it, is it there? Hmm…think about it.

But you know what is there? Your lunacy.

So let’s think about this for a second. DC is already a terrible place to be a Black woman in search of man, notwithstanding some level of attractiveness. Face it, if you have bad face, your stuck anywhere except the Montana and West Virginia backwoods. And its not to say that you can’t find a mate its just to say that you have no choice in the matter–you take what you can get.

Sidenote: I went to this rather upscale “supper club” last night for a small gathering and I swear I saw the largest collection of women who looked like they might have been attractive 10 years ago. Seriously, I saw two women who looked seemingly attractive and that might have been more a addition-by-subtraction thing than a natural beauty thing.

So yes, it’s already a shitty place to be a single woman who’s looking for man. But NOW you have to think that every man is a walking STD. Truthfully, everybody should already feel like that given the amount of STDs available to the masses. And I say available because the way some people go raw with their sex lives you’d think they wanted an STD just to see what it felt like.

According to science? Not good. Though according to television, catching Herpes is just like going horseback riding. Actually the commercial more illustrates that you can still go horeseback riding. So I guess that one’s not so bad. Unless you’re that horse because I’ll bet NOBODY told the horse she had herpes! As if!

Ladies, check your weave.

Then rub your tits if you love Big Poppa.

Tits is a fun word.

So yes, bad dating scene, bad HIV scene, and not to mention the ridiculous subprime mortgage lending and foreclosure rate and gotdamn, DC just is not the place to be an unmarried Black woman. This is interesting because so many young Black people move to DC because it’s a city with a young professional Black crowd of substance and visibility. In some places, being a Black person with a graduate degree makes you important. In DC it makes you manager at McDonald’s. And even then it only qualifies you for the job. EVERYBODY in DC has a damn graduate degree. I myself have 7 of them! Okay that’s not true at all. But this is DC, its possible. For Black people, its exciting to be in a city where there are lots of people like yourself who are about something and can read.

Reading is fundamental.

But now what? I remember when I read the article in the Post about women’s struggles to find a man in this city and women everywhere were in arms about it. Interestingly enough, the ratio in DC was better compared to the nation as a whole. Something like 8.3 marriageable Black men (with the .3 accounting for the myth, they don’t call it the Beltway for nothing!) to 10 women compared to 7 to 10 for the rest of the nation. But now you have to ask about their peders. Talk about your uncomfortable first date question:

Chick: So, Brian, I know your not gay, but do you have AIDS? Just askin!

Brian: Check please!

OH…and not to mention that in the article it stated that it wasn’t homosexual interactions that were making up for the majority of cases. Nope, it was the straight people. You can now remove that “gay-man’s disease” bullshit from your domes.

The moral of the story here kiddies is that if you are a young Black woman thinking of moving to DC, take your happy ass to Philly where all you have to worry about is getting shot just for breathing. At least that might take you out quickly.

AIDS?

Not so much.

…the most important person with all due respect.

Seriously, how funny would it be if somebody quoted Jay’s first verse from “Roc Boys” during the roundtable thank-you’s that so many people perform during their pre-gobblage on Thanksgiving Day.

Thanks to the duffle bag, the brown paper bag, the Nike shoebox for holding all the cash. And I can attest to that. As somebody known for stashing cash in his shoes and shoeboxes, I’ve found that not only are Nike shoe boxes good for stashing dough, actual Nike SHOES are as good. One I’ve often found myself stashing my random wads of $20s in my basketball shoes.

Well Thanksgiving is upon us and it’s a time to proffer all of the thanks we can for various things. And most of us have much to give thanks for; family, friends, health, toenails, etc.

Basically the usual suspects always get their just due. So I figure, I might as well give thanks for some things that most people might not think about.

Allons-y.

I’d like to thank my neighborhood listserv for alerting of just how much damn crime goes down in my neighborhood. There’s nothing like living in a neighborhood where you feel completely safe only to find out that folks homes are getting broken into and cars are getting jacked left and right. Since I joined my neighborhood’s listserv, I’ve gained lots of information about my ‘hood. I’ve also realized that my ‘hood is actually the ‘Hood. Man, niggas get robbed ON MY BLOCK in broad daylight. It’s happened a few times. And I literally mean on my block. At like 5pm. When it’s light outside. Thank you Neighborhood listserv for alerting me that though I live in one of DC’s up-and-coming premier residential neighborhoods…there are still crackheads for a reason.

I’d like to thank my cat for using my hands and feet as a personal scratching post. Why just last week my cat tattoed my hand with a signed-sealed-and delivered spiderweb of bloody streaks. Playful little something which reminds me…

…thanks for pet nail clippers, which is like SO self-explanatory.

Thanks for Firefox. Sometime a few weeks ago, the powers that be at the place of employment shut down Instant Messenging like a motherfucker. I mean I couldn’t access shit. This is both good and bad since like I said, my productivity went up. What I failed to realize was that I actually had shit to do then. Now that I’m chillin’, my head was spinning trying to craft work I actually wanted to do. Enter Firefox. For whatever reason, yesterday I decided to just use Firefox instead of Internet Explorer as my main browser and voila…G-Chat was in effect like a big bitch. Which if you’ve ever seen a big bitch, then you know what I’m talking about. Heh heh heh.

Sure, that last sentence made no sense. Then again, neither does Nirvana.

Thanks to bootleggers who made it possible for me to cop American Gangster on DVD before its theatrical release, further allowing me to pay 5 dollars for a crystal clear version of an alright but not stellar movie that left much to be desired.

Thanks to pregnant Halle Berry for still taking pictures with the ta-ta’s on blast. Yippee.

Thanks to Nahright.com for ALWAYS having that hot new shit for me to download so that I can stay ahead of the hip-hop curve.

Thanks to cooler weather because women’s fashion was getting ridiculously out of control. I don’t know about where you live, but here in DC, women are some serious fashion misfits. Especially the younger crowd. Just think of any outfit you’d never put together — not only should you then put it on, but you should also accessorize it with lots of shiny ridiculous shit, some utterly fugly boots of some sort and get braids. And put some color in your braids…AND THEN claim that Baltimore is the most bamma city on the planet…

…while looking like a nigga from Baltimore.

Which reminds me of something. I went to school in Atlanta and I’m from down South. When folks from upnorth come down to Atlanta they tend to initially clown a lot of our southern customs before falling headfirst into them (Master P and Cash Money, anyone?). It’s funny when you move up North and you realize that folks are as bad if not WORSE than the shit you see down south. Times have changed now since everybody looks like a very bad emulation of what we think white punk rockers look like.

STOP. Isn’t it funny how a few years ago white people were all on their Paul Wall shit trying to look and dress like Black folks…and NOW Black folks are doing their best “rock star” impressions, albeit with flair. I mean its not nearly as extreme as when white people do it, but its definitely an interesting look.

Anyway, I remember people acting like Atlanta was SO damn countryish. Then I moved to DC. You drive 10 minutes south of DC and there aren’t even streetlights. In Maryland. In a major suburb of DC. Shit looks like driving through backroads on the set of Deliverance.

Back to my thank you’s….

I’d like to thank the little people. Smurfs are our friends. Similarly, I’d like to thank the writers from Robot Chicken for making some of the funniest shit I’ve ever seen. Viva la Adult Swim.

Thanks to Nickelodean and Drake & Josh because that show just has me dying laughing most times. So because me and my girlfriend are apparently insane, we leave the TV on everyday in case the cat wants to “watch” TV or at least hear something in the background so as not to feel so alone. We leave on Nick. I get home and Drake & Josh is on. Now I’m an avid watcher.

I’ve begun to bore myself so thanks to the people that make it do what it do like they’re doing it for TV.

Thanks for life. And the boys in blue who put greed before the badge.

Thanks for my sexxiness.

Just, thanks.

Seriously, I don’t understand her appeal.

For years now, Alicia Keys has been a media darling and musical phenom, ad nauseum. Anytime she releases an album, pundits and fans alike adore and browbeat one another for the chance to praise and adorn her with accolades aplenty.

In short, everbody loves Alicia Keys and I honestly have no clue why. I’ve tried to get it. Can she sing? Well sure…she has an alright voice though I wouldn’t exactly place her anywhere near the upper echelon of singers. Face it. Mariah Carey she ain’t.

She plays the piano but whoopty-damn do. For the large part her albums don’t rely much on her piano abilities. Most of her songs are hip-hop influenced if anything with replayed or interpolated samples. Sure they have some piano influence in them…

…but so do a lot of my own beats and I can’t play the piano for shit.

Though I totally murder Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.

I. Just. Kill. That.

Alicia Keys get acting roles and to be honest, her role in Smoking Aces was the first time I’d ever found myself mentioning how attractive she is. Granted, I’d never kick her out of the bed under any circumstances but that makes her no more hot than anybody else.

Though, have you seen her on the cover of Complex magazine…watered down? Good googly moogly. I have said before and will repeat again that wet women look so much hotter than dry women. If you are a marginally attractive chick who rates like a 6 on the Dude Scale, go run under some sprinklers and always walk around like looking like you live under a rain cloud. You’re going to rate at least at a 7 at that point. And you can date 7’s.

Sixes? You just schlump them.

Back to the lecture at hand. Alicia Keys is light and brite so perhaps thats part of her draw as we all know racially ambiguous chilidren are much easier to market than children of the sun. But overall, I honestly don’t get it.

I have all of her albums and none of them was any better than most albums on the market. Songs In A Minor was alright, but I can only think of maybe 3 songs that I liked including the single, “Fallin’”. I liked “Butterfly” but I can’t even remember the name of the other joint I liked.

Diary was, eh…alright I guess. The only songs I liked were the single “You Don’t Know My Name” (which was largely piano influenced but was also a sampled piano by Kanye West) and “The Diary”. I can’t honestly even remember what the rest of the album sounds like.

So she’s not a first rate singer, doesn’t have albums that will be remembered 20 years from now, and is attractive but not in a “I want to sex you down on sight” kind of way. She’s like an upgraded version of Brandy except Brandy had some actual good entire albums (like Full Moon). She’s clearly a better songwriter than Beyonce, but hell, who isn’t?

Difference is that Beyonce’s popularity I can understand. She’s an ultimate performer. And she makes intentionall catchy pop music to appeal to the masses without any shade of personality. That’s how you bring folks in. However, Alicia Keys songs are apparently full of “integrity” or something. I don’t know.

Perhaps I’m a hater. However, I don’t care. She’s no more talented than anybody else and her albums are no better than anybody else…

…so why does everybody love them some damn Alicia Keys?

And “No One” is not a good song. You can disagree, but you will be wrong.

Apparently I’m a little bit vain. I think I knew that. I think I knew that I knew that, however, I just realized it after I decided to see what the 25 most played songs on my iPod were. Sheesh, talking about getting over yourself (which I’m totally not going to do).

Dig this. Out of the 25 songs, 14 are songs that I’ve done myself. Not even completed songs mind you, just the instrumentals that I’ve made towards my 2008 summer banger release on my mama’s music, A Candle In The Dark.

How’s that for self-promotion?

One day I might upload a few of my instrumentals on here so that good world can see how talented (or un-talented) I am. Luckily, my mommy says I’m special so fuck you very much if you think that I’m on the low end of the talent pool. Anywho, today I decided to just let folks know what I’ve been listening to, ad nauseum. I’m one of those people who will put a song on repeat for hours on end. Much to the chagrin of anybody around me.

Eh, sorry. Like right now, I’m MURDERING this one song by this group out of Pittsburgh called Black Moth Super Rainbow. The song is called “Sun Lips” and I absofuckinlutely love this song. It’s the kind of shit I wish I’d made similar to the song by Psapp “Cosy In The Rocket” A.K.A. the Grey’s Anatomy song that used to get played in the opening credits.

I think that one of these days, I might transform this into an audio blog and upload songs for you to download that I love. I love finding obscure ass hot songs so I’d be doing a disservice by not sharing said songs with you, wouldn’t I? I say, wouldn’t I? Anywho…on to the festivities.

Panama shares because sharing is caring. And I care like an emo-carebear. I like the term emo.

Panama’s Playlistin’: The Top 10 Songs That Clearly Are Important To World Peace

(going in order from most played to least most played but still played way too much)

1. Phyllis Hyman - Be Careful (How You Treat My Love)

If you don’t know who Phyllis Hyman is, you should go kill yourself. Which is not unironic since she killed herself. I think I just got 10 extra Hell points for those last two sentences. First time I listened to this song, it impacted me so much, I never stopped listening. She’s one of my favorite singers ever and has one of the most silky smooth voices ever.

Hmm, you know who else has a beautiful silky smooth voice? Janelle Monae. If you don’t have her Metropolis Suite I: The Chase, you should get to copping it forthwith. It was on iTunes for $4.99. You can spend $5 for music that will change your life. Her voice makes me want to hump mushrooms.

Eww.

2. Robin Williamson - Gwydion’s Dream

You’ve probably never heard of him or of this song. But you know who has? David Banner. Damn that David Banner for having me search since 1998 for this shit. It’s the foundation for his first single with the group Crooked Lettaz “Firewater”. I love that beat so much that I’ve searched high and low through CELTIC music trying to find this shit. Yes, Panama listens to celtic music. So what of it?! I’ll listen to country too if y’all don’t get to acting right.

My mother’s persuasion by the way.

3. Beyonce - Flaws and All

Because of Beyonce’s popularity, everybody should have heard this song and seen the video. I honestly think this song and video are perfect. As in, flawless. There ain’t too much perfection in this world but this song has to be the closest thing musically to me. I love the pseudo-European drum beat. When you get into musical production, by default you begin to study other forms of musical creation. Europe is a hotbeat for creativity.

By the way, you should be finding and listening to all of these songs. Pronto. Most, if not all, are available on iTunes.

4. The Electric Prunes - Our Father, Our King

Despite a gawdawful name, this is some downright good damn music. It’s David Axelrod (who will show up again) - influenced and produced. I could probably spend an entire afternoon telling you how much I love David Axelrod’s music. You should google him. Yes, do that. He’s the backbone for lots of hip-hop nowadays, from Dr. Dre to Fat Joe to Kanye West he’s been sampled all over the board. Plus this shit is just good. Word. Life.

5. Alice Russell featuring TM Juke - Hurry On Now

Alice Russell is another one of the soulful arse white chicks from England. But man does she have some serious chops. I was instantly sold on her from the first 3 seconds of this song. Literally..and she ain’t even singing then. But anybody who recognizes music this good is alright with me like a hit song from the Temptations in the ’60s. Plus she’s cool as a fan and loves the club I work at.

6. Aphex Twin - Avril 14th

I’m kind of amazed that this song is on my most played since I only got this a few short weeks ago. That speaks to how much I love it. This cat Aphex Twin is really one dude from overseas I think. He’s a major player on the techno-ambient-drum ‘n bass-acid music scene. I’d never heard of him until Andy Samberg from SNL remade one of his songs for his parody about the Iranian PM saying that gays weren’t allowed in Iran or something. SNL got sued because the music was used without permission. What a gull-i-bull. It’s hot though.

7. Jackie DeShannon - What The World Needs Now Is Love

MmmmmmmMmm good. And it’s true. The world does need love. And lots of big-booty women who aren’t full of themselves. And I mean big-booty as in good booty. Not bad booty. Bad booty does nothing for the morale of anybody. When was the last time you heard this song get connected to booty? Like never? Yeah, me neither. Somehow, the only word I think of when I hear this song is…

…gangster. Not sure why but this song is gangster lika motherfucker to me. This shit is Frank Lucas kid.

8. David Axelrd - The Smile

Ah, my homeboy shows up again. I love this song to no end. Really, I have no idea how I wasn’t up on Axelrod years ago as he seems to have been making music for me all these years. Swoon! And it’s totally not a coincidence that this song is called “the smile” becuase I totally smile when I hear it. Hmm, that’s bad parallel structure. Grammar nerds stand up.

Grammar Nerds. Sounds like a new emo-alternative band. You heard it hear first people.

Dude, that’s so emo. Only its not at all.

9. Darondo - Didn’t I

Ten bucks to one you’ve never heard of him at all. Hell I’d be he hasn’t heard of himself either. I found this song in the MOST random of ways. So peep game. I was sniffing a dandelion…in the parking garage…when I heard this car come by bumping my music, which was actually the song “Bumpin’ My Music” by Ray Cash when I reached into my pocket for some cash to burn. It was so hot outside that I went inside. So in my army jacket lining was an uzi but I didn’t shoot anybody because that’s just wrong. Divorce court was on television and I watched these two people argue about dumb shit and dude said something like, “you know you slept with my nieces husband, didn’t ya bitch? didn’t ya?”

So that made me think, wouldn’t it be so so (def) hot if there was a song out there called, “Didn’t I”? Turns out there was. And this entire story was a lie.

What if Jermaine Durpi’s label was So So Hot? Like how bad of a name is that? Pretty bad or just fucking horrible? You be the judge.

10. Hem - Leave Me Here

This song is off the album Rabbit Songs which is so not about fucking. I know I was disappointed about that. I happened upon this song after buying the album because of the song “Half An Acre” which was in some insurance commercials. I loved that song so much I found it and remade the song into a hip-hop joint. I’m talented like that. Leave Me Here is just as good. Go get it. Hem is a folksy group but I’d recommend it in a heartbeat. It’s good music to clean and take a shower too.

So that’s what I’m listening to frequently. You should cop those songs and thank me for saving your life.

Good night and good luck.

You good?

Good. Me too.

Let me tell you something. Recently at the J-O-Bullshitin’ (hopin’ that my day goes slow), they’ve cut all forms of instant messenging. As in I can’t even access Google’s, G-chat. You know, the shit that’s EMBEDDED into their actual site. Oy vey. I’m one of those individuals who spends all day talking to people online. Mind you, I could easily pick up the phone and call all of these individuals however it’s so much easier and more convenient to just talk to everybody while we’re all trapped at our various paying gigs. Funny how instant messenger ruined the phone for me.

Anyway, the lack of IM capability has been a slight annoyance but I’ve also never been more productive in my working life. Of course, fuck-a-job and all but it does allow me to keep my lights on. And lights are good. Kind of like the smooth refreshing taste of key lime pie. And I love me some key lime pie.

I miss my people on IM though. So sad. Pour out a little liquor for Panama Muhfuckin’s daily conversation with any and everybody. Shout outs to the Boom and BlackMartha (who probably hasn’t gone by that name in years).

I was reading the other day that T.I. — in his boredom — has taken to recording new material for an upcoming album entitled Paper Trail, so titled because he’s actually writing down his rhymes right now. Apparently he hasn’t written anything down over his past few albums. Hmm…you need more people duke. Two things here:

1) I’m getting tired of rappers trumpeting their lack of writing as if that makes them special. It doesn’t. It just means you don’t write anything down. Thing is…WE CAN TELL. Short of Jay (who I still don’t believe has never written anything down) and Big, very rarely has anybody who essentially took 3 minutes to think of a verse and gone to lay it down come up with anything stellar. And assuming that Jay and Biggie actually never did write anything down, they are more the exception than the rule.

Then you have the Lil Wayne ass niggas who clearly don’t write anything down and come up with one hot verse per hundred. That’s. Not. Good. It’s bad even. It’s failing. I wonder if all of these people swearing that Lil Wayne is the best rapper alive are actually listening to him and not just his flow which is top notch. The nigga knows how to ride a beat. Kudos. Sure would be nice if you could say something worth listening to a la “Hollywood Divorce”, Dwayne.

2) I think we’re giving people too much credit for that shit. What these niggas do is not go and freestyle the best verses you’ve ever heard. Nope. Hurricane Chris does that. Word. Life. What they do is essentially listen to a beat and write it down in their head. It might take 30 minutes, it might take an hour. I write verses all the time and by the time I have them done, I usually have them memorized. We need to champion these cats good memories, not the fact that “they don’t write shit down”. Who cares if you ain’t saying nothing worth listening too.

Sidenote: If you do write everything down and still suck, stop rapping and get a job mopping floors at your local hospital. Save us all.

And no, I don’t believe that T.I. didn’t write down shit on King, especially on the song, “I’m Talking To You” because if he did, he’s the greatest mental-rapper alive.

Have you seen the video for the remix to DJ Khaled’s “I’m So Hood”? No? Thank your lucky stars and whoever you pray too. Never have I seen a video that was so terribly shitty in my whole life that it made me dislike a song. And I LOVE “I’m So Hood”. That shit knocks so hard.

The video? Not so much. Full disclosure here is that I abhor DJ Khaled. He has no real talent from what I can tell and he’s just uberfucking annoying. Like on the “I’m so annoying” scale he rates a cool 100 with 100 being the most points you can obtain. Despite his random telling us that he is –indeed– the best, he is not. Further, what the fuck are you (we, nigga) the best at? He has the most grating voice ever of all DJ’s and that’s saying something. He attempts to be pseudo-hard with ridiculous “thugged” out body language. I just want to slap the fuck out of him every time I see him. And that’s an honest emotion. I really detest this man.I feel like I know him.

Here’s the video:

This video is the most pisspoorly done video I’ve seen in a long while. I remember first seeing it and asking myself why the fuck they forgot to edit it and essentially make the entire video look like it wasn’t done with 10 dollars and somebody’s cousin Nino’s video camera from 1993. I remember my parents video camera from back then…better quality video than this ass sandwich. Honestly, it looks terrible. It’s like they shot the rappers in HDTV and put the blue-screen (why did they do this with a blue screen? it’s the fucking streets…they couldn’t FIND a street to shoot this on?) in the my first analog tv mode.

Simply said it looks like shit and Busta Rhymes looks like a muppet. DJ Khaled? Go kill yourself.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t send an R.I.P. shoutout to Donda West, better known as Kanye’s mother. Man do I feel for that brother. Not too many rappers put their entire life on display like he has. Interesting enough, the rappers that have all have very prominent mothers in their careers from Eminem to Tupac. Somehow, because these rappers put so much of their business in the street, you almost feel like you know them so that when something tragic does happen you feel like a family-member was lost. That’s how I felt. I just wanted to shake Kanye’s hand and tell him it would be alright. At least she got to witness and participate in her son’s success in life. He made his mark and she got to witness it, but man…

…hold your head Kanye. Hold your head.

It’s interesting, I have a million focused ideas I plan on writing about but I show up here and write random shit.

Luckily I’m sexxy.

Good night and good luck.

It was written.

…is love, sweet love.

It’s coincidental that while I’m listening to one of my favorite. songs. ever. “What The World Needs Now Is Love” by Jackie DeShannon, that I come across an article that seems so insanely insane, it must be true.

Prattville Student Punished for Hugging Classmate Appears on NBC’s Today Show

Good God.

For those two lazy to click-and-read, here’s the crux of the article right here:

The mother of a student in Autauga County says her daughter was disciplined for simply hugging a friend.

She says the hug wasn’t meant to be sexual. She says her daughter was consoling a male friend who recently lost a parent.

I’ve decided that discipline in public schools has crossed the damn line. Just last year a young girl was suspended from school for having a key-chain that constituted a weapon according to a very conservative reading of a school district’s policy. Kids across America, little kids, are being suspended and disciplined for doing nothing more than doing kid things.

And what is a hug? Let’s be clear, nowhere do the powers-that-be mention that any groping or anything was going on. This young girl was hugging a dude. Perhaps since I don’t work in the public school system (or any school system for that matter), I’m missing the need to punish youngsters for all acts of public affection. I understand the need for disciplining two kids who are tongue-ing eachother down in the hallway or getting head under the lunch room table — which I’ve actually seen happen.

I’ve seen some shit that definitely needs to be nipped in the tuck. However, I think that hugging just might go over the line. Shit, a hug can be one of the most harmless acts ever. Granted, a hug can be sexual…then again, there’s a very clear delineation between the two. You can tell when some kids are hugging in a jolly way. I know. I used to do it. It was fun. I’ve been a witness to and a party to some overly inappropriate behavior in my high school days. Shit, one day one of my exe’s was wearing a skirt to school but she really wanted me to see the new panties she’d bought. So what does a bright, creative, young lady do?

Starts kicking her legs up in the air so I can see her nether-regions and her draws. And I saw a teacher watch it happen and do nothing. I thought we were finna get suspended. Hell, I’d have suspended us. That’s just going too damn far. However, kids hugging just doesn’t seem so bad. If anything it gives me hope that the kids are indeed the future. And that we HAVE taught them well and we can indeed let them lead the way.

Well, not really. But you get my drift.

I think that short of a sexually inappropriate gesture or touching or seeing a young girl or boy dry humping against a locker (once again, which I’ve seen), discipline for public displays of affection really needs some leeway.

But it goes back to the problem with schools nowadays anyway. We’re so afraid of kids shooting up our schools, which is a real fear, that we take every OTHER rule to its extreme, forgetting that for the most part, these kids are just that, kids. And they like one another before we tell them that they shouldn’t. So they play nice at times and hug because they like eachother.

And we make them pay for it.

Basically, some administrator didn’t get any lovin’ that day.

I was reading an article on vh1 a few weeks back regarding T.I. and his whole army-guns problem and in this article Wyclef Jean made a statement akin to this:

“The way people listen and respond to T.I. when he talks is like Malcolm X…”

Yeah. Okay.

I’d like to call on a moratorium in the Black community on anybody saying that anybody is like Malcolm X. Funny how nobody ever claims somebody is like Martin. The only person to do that said that he, himself, was like Martin. And that was Benzino.

Yeah, that Benzino.

But you know what? I’m bored. What the hell, let’s run with T.I. being like Malcolm. Let’s see if we can figure out ways they are a alike, k?

Let’s see. Ah, Malcolm X went to jail. So did T.I. Malcolm X became an orator and person of immense influence and respect. Well, T.I. has kind of got that. I mean he ain’t speaking nothing that’s going to get him on the government radar…

…unless you count the taped conversations being used against him in his whole “I’ve got guns to take out North Korea” small problem.

Oh…both of them managed to wake up in the morning. Well, until Malcolms untimely death in 1965. Yeah, I’m kind of reaching with that one but then again so was Wyclef by even making any kind of reference to Malcolm X in regards to T.I. Look, T.I. doesn’t move mountains or make me want to do anything more than listen to his music. Even after his last ass-sandwich of an album, I’ll still listen. Though at this point I’m not sure why.

Of course, by the time T.I. gets out of jail, he’ll be too old to matter anymore. Though Jay has managed to still be relevant despite being 37 years of age.

LL Cool J? Not so much. Even his high-heeled fans don’t care about him anymore.

In my humble opinion, the last real rapper of any significance to mirror Malcolm was Ice Cube. And that shit went clean out the window by the time Lethal Injection came around. AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted and Death Certificate Cube? Hell yeah. Even I was afraid of Ice Cube back then. He really seemed like the angriest nigga alive and more dangerously, the most awake nigga alive too. Shit, I wanted to be Ice Cube like so many folks want to be Malcolm X.

Except nobody is Malcolm. ESPECIALLY not no dumb nigga like T.I. And yes, hoarding guns is DUMB when there’s a chance you can go to jail for it. Further, why the fuck do you have military assault weaponry? I mean, being an ATLien, and similarly a Westsider, I understand how folks get down on our side of town. But damn, a .45 will do just as well. Got damn Calicos and rocket launchers are just unnecessary.

I mean really. Where the hell do you put shit like that anyway? Hammer pants are out of style so you can’t hid the Calico in those. Maybe some gauchos. Yeah, I can see that.

These loose ass analogies we make to legends in the Black community are just terrible. Further, they’re like one man deep. When was the last time you heard a nigga get referenced to W.E.B. Du Bois? Shit, when was the last time you met somebody who didn’t go to college who knew who he was? Or A. Phillip Randolph.

Niggas know Project Pat though. Damn shame, too. Though I don’t like reading The Souls of Black Folks either. Makes for a hell of an album title though, dontchathink?

As you can tell, I really had no purpose other than to say: Wyclef must have lost his rabid ass mind thinking that motherfucking T.I. even compares to Malcolm X aside from the fact that both of them niggas are ya know, Black.

And also, sadatay.

Thank you and good night.

[***This post is long. Like Panama-length long. I'm dropping k-nowledge that many people might find useful. I'm trying to save you motherfuckers money. Do the k-nowledge and read. ***]

For the past 9 months now, I’ve been managing a nightclub in DC. It’s a pretty well-known spot and we hold all types of events. We’ve had Erykah Badu hosting a party and have had 9th Wonder (of Little Brother, Mary J. Blige, Jay-Z production fame) spinning on the 1’s and 2’s. We’ve held court for The Roots crew and had ?uestlove spinning old school classics. We’ve done concerts and happy hours. Cornel West has been there as has Malcolm Jamal-Warner. Dick Gregory randomly strolled by one day. We’ve hosted First Fridays. We’ve hosted fundraiser gala’s.

Basically, we’re all purpose like a motherfucker. For as many successful events as I’ve seen happen at our club, I’ve witnessed a million terrible events. And by terrible I mean, nobody shows up…period. Bad planning. Just an all around fuckfest of an event. In fact, we often joke about the worst parties we’ve had. The running joke–and I’m not sure how it started–between me and one of the owners is that whenever a bad party happens, “it’s another Panama party”. Me no know.

I know that there are are a lot of burgeoning event planners and party promoters out there who think that they can throw parties and just know that they’d be good at it.

Yeah. Okay.

Before you put all of your money where my hand is, let me explain to you how to throw a bad party. People often times tell you what you need to throw the party to end all parties. Fuck that. Let me explain to you the mindstate that goes into throwing a bad party. Follow me.

10 WAYS TO THROW A SHITTY PARTY AND HEAR THE OWNER SAY, “FUCK YOU, PAY ME”

1) Think that just because you’ve throw a few successful house parties, you can step up into the big leagues.

Methinks that this is where everything goes wrong for most people. You see, house parties, though they involve planning, are just that. House parties. You don’t need nearly as many people to fill a house as you do to fill a club. Folks don’t pay a cover. Further, you can tell people to bring bottles of liquor and most will comply. You need a marginal sound system. Basically, the ONLY think you need for a house party is really the house and some speakers. And some red cups. You can tell people to bring liquor but the least you can do is get the Solo cups. And do you know what luxury you have by throwing a house party? No cost…well, aside from the potential damage that may occur during said houseparty. But really, if you know enough broke people…ya know, the motherfuckers who DON’T feel like getting dressed up and paying for the luxury of seeing people that they don’t know, you can throw successful houseparties once a month or more than that if you throw one party where major shit went down that keeps people talking.

Hell, people LIKE house parties because they’re low maintenance and low budget. It’s the “I have shit else to do” alternative to sitting at home scratching your balls and being a loser on a Friday night.

2) Think that your friends are going to support you in all of your endeavors in life.

Hmm…yeah. No. If you think that just because you’re throwing a party your friends will come out and be your source of support you are sadly mistaken. Unless you are known for throwing the banging ass house parties (see 1) a solid 10 percent maybe of all the friends you invite are going to come to your party and PAY to get in to said party. Let’s just be real here. Friends feel like they should get friend priveleges. They want that $Free.99 hookup. Problem is, maybe the owner is getting a cut of the door and he’s going to be very careful about you letting in everybody unless it’s outlined upfront. Shit…I fuckin’ MANAGE a nightclub and do you know how many people I know who’ve ONLY been there for shit like my birthday?! And they’d get in free. Just because you’re doing it doesn’t mean that anybody is coming. That Field of Dreams shit? For birds and white people.

And to piggyback on #2…

3) Think that everybody who says they’re coming…is coming.

Most promoters use the half-half metric. This means that if they get 300 RSVPs, they expect maybe half will show up. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in meetings with promoters who tell me, “yeah man, it’s looking great, I have like 1000 RSVPs!” Day of the party and 30 people show up. I’m not sure why this little facet of life eludes people but read this very carefully:

IT TAKES NOTHING TO RSVP TO AN EVENT. Hell, I can’t go to shit because I work on every Friday and Saturday night but do you know I RSVP for damn near every event that comes my way…AND I KNOW I CAN’T EVEN GO! Everybody RSVP’s for shit like free guestlists so that they can cover all of their options SHOULD THEY decide to actually go out.

Word to the wise, don’t be a dolt…any motherfucker can RSVP.

4) Think you can do it by yourself.

Look, the only things in life that ALWAYS works out okay solo are masturbating and first-degree murder. Word to OJ Simpson. Everything else helps to have a partner or somebody to help cover the bases. This is the catch-22 that most solo promoters get themselves caught up in. Sure, if you’re night is a success, you reap all the reward. But if it doesn’t? You lose dunny. You stay losing too because unless you got major dolo, you probably weren’t expecting to have to come off of $3,000 dollars to cover the bar minimum that you didn’t reach.

Here’s a little knowledge for you folks thinking about joining the wonderful world of club promotion. It’s a business. Wait…y’all must didn’t hear that Tribe Called Quest shit…

IT’S A BUSINESS. You and the owner agree to terms that are going to be beneficial for you both, but moreso for the owner. You’re getting a bar miminum. For the uninitiated, that means you will have an agreed upon amount that the bar must meet in order for you to basically walk out of the club breaking even. This also supposes that the owner is not taking anything off of what you charge at the door.

Many club owners want some of the door and want the bar. Promoters want the door and some of the bar. You see how that can get muddled?

So say you have a party on a Friday night with a bar minimum of $5,000 (which is cheap actually, I mean it is Friday), and you’re charging $20 at the door. Well, if 100 people show up, that $5000 is a pretty hard number to reach because everybody has to spend: what class??!?!

$50 bucks! Yeah, that ain’t happening. Consider that women are cheap bastards and also that folks do not want to blow $50 bucks on drinks AFTER they just blew $20 at the door.

And if the party is wack, folks will leave early. Sure they’re mad that they paid $20, but chances are you said folks would get in free before 11pm or something ANYWAY to get them there. Effectively, you’ve made NOTHING at this point. With 100 people you’re lucky if your bar does $2,000. So say it does. And say 50 of those 100 paid to get in.

What you’ve effectively done is made $1,000 at the door and the bar did $2,000. And let’s say the owners benevolent and doesn’t take anything from the door. Chance are you paid at least $1,000 up-front to reserve the party since owners ain’t stupid. They want some cash (or credit card) as a deposit…and it’s non-refundable. If you meet your minimum, you get it back. So you have a $5,000 minimum, you made $2,000 at the bar so you owe $3,000. Well, you put down a $1000 deposit, so now you owe $2,000.

My guess is that you AREN’T going to ante up that $1,000 you made at the door though its the smart thing to do. So you’re in the whole 2 stacks. Solo. All by yourself.

You don’t want that. Believe you me. You might be doing well in life, but coming off of 2 stacks solo because your party flopped is not a good look.

Promoting is a team sport unless owners all just like you and let your party happen without consequence. But umm…Roseanne ass chance there bucko.

5) Think that just because you’re nice you can be a good promoter.

Fact is, everybody ain’t a promoter. Just because you like talking to people doesn’t mean you can be a good promoter. You know why? All nice people ain’t sales people. Promotion is sales. You have to effectively convince people to come to your party and spend their money on your vision. Why should anybody come to your party and spend their money to make you money? Especially if you have no resume, so to speak. I’ve met people who’ve convinced themselves that they’re promoters and their parties always suck. Always. Nobody comes. And you know who notices that nobody comes?

Club owners. They do not like not making money. It is not a good look. Your party will get Republic Gardened (RIP). And the manager, me, will come and shut shit down early much to your disdain but guess who won’t give a shit?

Me. The manager. If it doesn’t make dollars, it doesn’t make sense. People don’t realize that when you open club doors, you start out losing money in wages. All the people that come to work HAVE to be paid whether anybody comes to your shit or not.

6) Think that you don’t have to spend a lot of time ACTUALLY promoting.

Promoting sucks. You have to get flyers and meet people all the time. It’s tiresome. Once you’ve been in the game long enough where word-of-mouth carries then you’re straight. You can just send out emails and people will come because you have a track record. But until that point, you’re ass is a campaigning fool. You have to hit the streets gathering emails and making nice with women and babies. You can’t just assume that folks will show up to your even because you got some place to open the doors. Basically, you AREN’T Marc Barnes. Promoting is hard work. Not only that, you have to convince owners to let you throw parties at their place. And if you’re Black and cater to a Black crowd…well, that can take some major convincing.

7) Think that some people wouldn’t rather sit at home reading a book than come out to your party.

This is more of a niche market thing. If you’re target audience is the urban professional crowd. Know that some of these people, namely the women, won’t mind sitting at home reading a book or watching Lifetime instead of coming out to your party. People who read ALWAYS have options. They can go out for drinks early and go home and be comfortable at home and not have to worry about some overly-aggressive behemoth palming their asses because he IS one of those folks who will spend $50 bucks at the bar (or a couple thousand because he’s a baller…and an idiot). Pretty simple there.

8 ) Think that because you threw ONE good party that all of your parties will be good.

I’ve seen this one with my own two eyes a few times. Circumstances created a party that wasn’t into the party of the year. There is a term for this occurrence:

fluke.

Flukes do happen and it’s probably best to operate under the auspices of recognizing that flukes do happen. When your party erupts into something way bigger than you expected, be happy and bask in the success. Do not however, think that it gives you leverage and come to people with an attitude of, “I think my track record speaks for itself.”

It doesn’t speak. In fact, it’s mute. Your track record was a fluke and you will get yourself in trouble because owners want to make money and might bank on a fluke. Thing is, YOU are left holding the financial bag. And we’ll be more than happy to add bags to you.

Realize that people come to the club of their choice because they felt it was their best option on that particular night, not because they like you. In a major city, those options can change instantly.

One good party does not another good party make.

9) Think that spending all your money on a big-name (or pseudo big-name) DJ is going to bring out the people.

A great DJ of national fame will always bring out people. Thing is, those people have proven track records of rocking parties…pretty erroneously. Somebody had to get those people INTO those venues at some point to GET those DJ’s to national prominence. Another thing to remember is this, much like HDTV’s, all DJ’s are going to play the same shit anyway. Unless, of course, you’re going for a totally different type of party. You don’t get a DJ who specializes in Afro-beat if what you want is Souljaboy. They’re all playing the same songs. On a good night, folks will say, “MAN…who WAS that DJ?!?! He was rocking.” On a regular party night, folks will just dance and enjoy themselves.

Of course, you NEVER want folks to say, “who the FUCK was that whack ass DJ?! He played ‘Hello Eireen’ between Souljaboy and Richboy.”

*cough?uestlovecough*

10) Think that because you ARE somebody, you can’t throw terrible parties.

Being humble in this business is a must because even Love has bad nights. Even the dudes with the biggest followings can have off nights. It happens to everybody. Once you go thinking that you’re such-n-such and that your name alone brings people out, you get a wack night where nobody shows up and a slight melee ensues between you and security and the manager and the owner causing little dudes to break up fights in the middle of the dance floor.

****

These are all things to consider when thinking of throwing a party. It’s way easier than you think to catch a brick on a party…even if you are somebody.

Before you get ready to throw your next party at any club and end up owing the club $5,000, read these rules and think.

Just think…

…we’ll be more than happy to take your money.

Don’t be so quick to give it all up.