I’ve long contended that Starbucks is the “man” that everybody claims is holding them back. I might have been slightly premature in my judgement as Apple and Steve Jobs just might be up making a strong case for that title.

And lo and behold, Apple and Starbucks work together. The fuckers.

Well, my love for Apple and iTunes in particular is a problem. Albums that I can’t find in stores or that I have to order from Japan are available so of course, I cop them spending my hard earned government dollars on them. Techonology at your fingertips is a dangerous dangerous thing.

Something I tend to do on occasion is read the reviews of albums that ordinary people like you and John Legend write on various albums. They range from stupid to pretty damn spot on and “professional”. Which brings me to the reviews written about Soulja Boy’s latest offering to the hip-hop canon, souljaboytellem.com.

You all know who Souljaboy is. He has the song “Souljaboy (Crank That)” and unless you’ve been living under a rock or sleeping with the enemy, you’ve heard it. A million times over. You’ve probably tried to do the dance until you realized it takes hours of practice and quite frankly you’re a grown ass man so why in the hell would you be spending hours of your grown ass man time practicing a dance made popular by a kid who’s t-shirt is 36 (chambers) sizes to big for him who doesn’t even do his own dance in his own video and who came up with a dance called the Roosevelt which is in no way related to either of the two presidents with that last name or anybody named Rose Svelt.

Also, is it just me or is this nigga not the most unintelligble motherfucker on the planet. Seriously, as an ATLien, even I can’t understand 90 percent of what he’s saying and I’ve been a translator for people who come to Atlanta. Perhaps I’ve been in DC too long but gotdamn. Somebody get that man a Hooked on Phonics book. STAT. Dude sounds like he ate Detroit.

Word to Rich Boy.

Now, I haven’t actually listened to the album and have no intention of doing so. His first song, though fun to listen to and dance to in the club, has left me with no desire whatsoever of listening to anything he may ever offer up of my own volition. Nope, if it comes on in the club then so be it. I’m held hostage to the confines of Sodom and Gomorrah’s offspring. However, I just might be alone seeing as no less than 400 people have written reviews of this man’s album on iTunes.

That means they listened to it. To the surprise of nobody but possibly Souljaboy himself, the reviews were largely terrible. There were quite a few people ( I actually read through the reviews) who seemed amazed that this is what passes for hip-hop today. A lot of the standard responses.

And to those people I ask:

Da fuck is wrong with you?

Were you REALLY listening to Souljaboy to find that good shit? Are you the same idiots who bought D4L (remember them?) and expected a musical smorgasbord of social commentary over luscious instrumentals that beckoned your emotional core…and got “Laffy Taffy” and “Betcha Can’t Do It Like Me” which required the musical talent of a 2-year old?

In fact, I’m slightly convinced (though I can’t prove it) that the producer of “Betcha Can’t Do It Like Me” stole the idea for the songs main riff from a child who was playing with his “My First Keyboard” toy from Toys ‘R Us (probably the online store since real stores suck balls).

Anybody who listens to Souljaboy and is disappointed needs to do us all a favor.

Kill yourself.

I can’t believe that people not only took the time to listen and be disappointed (at what? what gave you expectations) but to be disappointed enough to actually write a review asking for a rating system that allowed the user to award less than one star. Idiots.

I found myself laughing constantly at the reviews of bitter and disappointed fans or “fans” though I have to say I think that anybody who actually took the time to listen to Souljaboy’s album probably doesn’t really listen to rap anyway and more or less listens to the radio for all of their aural lessons in music. I ain’t judging. Do you.

However, I’m sticking up for Souljaboy on this one. What gives you fuckers the right to be disappointed by a nigga who wasn’t trying to give you expectations in the first place?! That’s just not fair. If anything, you should appreciate an artist who aspires to low expectations and provides you the kind of shit that you don’t have to actually listen to in order to appreciate it. The joy of artists like Souljaboy is that they don’t require you to think or posit any type of real emotion.

No, they just ask you to be present. And in this world of fatherless babies and single-mothers, isn’t being present all we should ask for? Why think when you can just stare into the stars courtesy of artists like Souljaboy. Sure you might get a little bit dumber but education is overrated anyway.

What gives you the right to think his album is bad when the only songs you have from him weren’t good in the conventional sense in the first place? Shame on you. It’s not like you were listening for depth. You can barely understand him. But there you fuckers go levying your own insecurities on a boy (he’s just a boy) who’s decided to make music that just requires you to be breathing.

Souljaboy is for the people. He doesn’t get deep so you don’t have to think. And that’s what the people want.

Souljaboy loves the kids. Because he is one.

And being “one” is hip-hop.

So you go Souljaboy. I might not listen to your album–ever–but I support your cause.

Now watch me YUUULLLLL, Souljaboy.

Watch me YULLLLLLL.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 5th, 2007 at 9:17 am and is filed under Bigger Than A Hip-Hop, WTF?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.