I Wonder…
You know how most people lead into stories or articles with some kind of dramatic introduction?
You do?
Yeah, me too. In fact, I usually do that myself. However, today I’m just going to ask the question.
Why in the hell do white people have no concept of personal space whatsoever?
I know I can’t be the only person who’s noticed this phenomenon. I used to think it was solely limited to nightclubs but apparently it’s just encoded in the DNA of white people to disregard all unwritten laws of space.
Case in point: Today, I ventured to my friendly neighborhood sandwich shop to partake of some of my favorite low priced vittles (I like the word vittles too). Three young Abercrombie-ish blonde chicks were right behind me annoying me as any group of young white girls is prone to do. Just like usual, I like, heard the word, like, like, too many times. Like, for real, I like, hate that shit.
Like.
Well, as I’m standing in line minding my own business, one of them is doing a steady slow take-over move. She might think she was sly, but my Negrosense had already taken over. What’s the Negrosense you ask?
It’s the sense that lets all Negroes know when white people are about to do something that might compromise your freedom.
Negrosense: Don’t leave home without it.
So as Blondey is slowly moving forward behind me, to the point where she’s brushing my arm with her purse, I kind of do the middle-of-the-line standstill manuever, which states that I’m in sole ownership of this slot. Stay your blonde ass back, beyotch.
Well, she must have caught me slipping or something because next think I know, one of the three is standing RIGHT next to me in line. Mind you, this isn’t the line to get on a roller coaster where you need two people. Also, we weren’t playing mixed doubles (kind of a double meaning term there, don’t ya know?) so there’s no need for us to be standing side by side as Ebony and Ivory sans Richard Pryor and Richard Gere.
I found my Blackness welling up in me as I was about to ask, what in Sam Hill are you doing? Why the fuck are you so close to me.
But I regained my composure and gave her the quick evil Black man glare. You know the glare…the one that works when you’re driving and somebody is unnecessarily tailgating. You give ‘em the glare and they slow way up behind you.
Anyway…for a good 5 minutes the Blonde Ambition Tour behind was in their place. As soon as the chick behind the counter goes to making my sandwich, here goes one of my transgressors AGAIN all on my back. After the 4th time of her hitting me with her purse, she says “sorry” and I just looked in to her soul.
I think I saw Sarah Silverman in there. Not sure, it was either her or the Band Camp girl.
Needless to say, I hate those chicks who were behind me. And its just like at a club. White people already can’t dance. If you throw a lack of personal space respectism in there, then you have the recipe for cuffed up Tims and pissedofftivity. They bump into you all willy nilly with little regard for the 6 feet of actual free space surrounding them.
I swear I went to the bathroom once where it was just me and one other white guy and he bumped me from across the room forcing me to spray the wall with God’s natural golden waterfall.
Okay, that didn’t really happen, but it could have because white people have no concept of personal space.
Damn close talkers.
You get to close to Black folks and we’re ready to fight. White people just try to become one with you at all times minus the Diplo shot and faulty Lifestyle condoms.
Speaking of which, did you hear about the fake Trojan Magnum condoms being sold in NYC? Way to stick it-pun intended-to Black people. When was the last time you heard of a white guy buying Magnums? First they take out the Black Panthers and now this.
Actually, first the Fat Boys breakup. No, wait…it was the Panthers first. Then the P. Stones.
Oh hell, you get the point.
Just thought I’d share since I know that every Black person who knows white people who knows Black people (you) who knows white people (them) has had to deal with this at some point. My suggestion?
Stab them.
Thank you and good night.
May 29th, 2007 15:06
So totally able to like related. I’m glad you broke it down into what is really happening. Like, the takeover and all. I love the negrosense. You can count on your negrosense to hold you down. You know we developed that on the slave ships. That’s why black folks don’t like to be all piled in together.
May 29th, 2007 15:43
You walked a fine line with those chicks. Cus best believe had you really ’swole up’ on them, you’d be writing this from a jail cell. Except not really cus I don’t think one can blog from jail. But maybe they can but since reading and innanets writing hasn’t be deemed gangster by hip-hop, prison folks wouldn’t even consider the possibility that they could ‘nga-rig’ up those computers they use to take catalog orders to use for blogging.
Also, that the blog-gawds for Bloglines. Because with it, I can tell when you update.
Black on my brother! Black on!!
May 30th, 2007 15:12
You are too right about the closeness they like to display. There is one guy here who HAS TO tap me on my shoulder to say “hello” EVERY time he walks past me. It seems like he is rubbing like I’m the lucky stump at the apollo or something. I told my boss about it & he has since stopped, but dang dude why you gotta be all up on me like that?! Can’t you speak & not touch?
June 1st, 2007 15:57
Too funny, I was JUST having this SAME conversation with my Soror Tiffani. Unreal. And if I might add an addendum to your post… I can’t STAND when I’m on the train, or wherever - and not only does Becky stand RIGHT on top of me, with no uncomfortability of her own, but she then proceeds to flip and flail her hair about, like I want that shyt on MY shoulder. OMG… that irritates me like you would NOT understand. And just like you - my Negrosense tingles and I uncannily KNOW when this is about to happen, most times I can circumvent it with the evil-black-chick-glare - oh yes, we have one too, and basically it means “Girl you’re white and I’m black. You know the natural order of things whether or not they are true… and the stereotype says I can f*ck you up just by virtue of my genetics. Recognize. Phew… okay - back to the plantation to make this dollar. I might just see ya on Sat.!!! =) Later!
June 6th, 2007 09:23
Wow, welcome back Panama (if you’re still here, lol). Just wanted to wish you a Happy Belated birthday! Dont’ ask me how I remembered, I just did.
I hope your 28th is your best year so far!
T
June 12th, 2007 19:27
I am happy you are back bloggin panama. Your ATL connects turned me on right before you decided to quit. I was lovin it! I will always remember that night in DC/ dancing the night away.
June 16th, 2007 13:08
Too often, I am walking on my college campus through the large thoroughfare, and I get a sense that someone is UP ON ME, guess its that Negronese, turn around, and its usually a white girl a half a step beind me….with no one else walking through this big ass area. She could really walk on the other side of the walkway like thirty feet away, but no, scuff my shoes why don’t you!! AGHHHH
July 18th, 2007 01:30
What’s up Panama? Maybe in the same way that you said to yourself, “My god, these white people are so pushy and invasive of personal space,” those white girls said to themselves, “Like, holy shit, there’s a black man in line. Better crowd him before he steals our place.”
Who knows. I do know that the Greeks and the Dutch - couple of groups that fall under that gigantic white people blanket - are horrifying to converse with. No need to stare up my nostrils to read my brain, I will tell you what I’m thinking.
Anyhow, my good man, three pushy white girls isn’t such a bad thing in my eyes. Unless they were ugly, in which case, yes, it is a bad thing.
August 10th, 2007 16:36
*Slow smile creeps up on my face*
*Fingers tapping like Mr. Burns*
Excccceeellllnt post. Welcome to the dark side.