From that title up there, you’d think that I was either talking about the recreational use of drugs or #$%^ing.

Today, I’m talking about #$%^ing.

According to a report conducted by the Guttmacher Institute–a private New York-based think tank that studies sexual and reproductive issues–at least 95 percent of Americans have engaged in premarital sex.

Including people from decades where we assumed sexual freedom and experimentation wasn’t as high, i.e. the 1940s and 1950s.

Um…wrong.

More than nine out of 10 Americans, men and women alike, have had premarital sex, according to a new study. The high rates extend even to women born in the 1940s, challenging perceptions that people were more chaste in the past.

According to (Lqwrence )Finer’s (research director of the Guttmacher Institute) analysis, 99 percent of the respondents had had sex by age 44, and 95 percent had done so before marriage.

Well if this isn’t good news I don’t know what is. This report basically tells us two things:

1. Women are definitely putting out and if you are a man and can’t get some, it’s you. Totally…you.

2. All of this mumbo jumbo about teen fucking has been an issue since like, forever. Only difference is the media coverage of such a thing. Out of sight out of mind.

And to think, we’ve been throwing millions and millions of dollars at programs and initiatives to promote abstinence amongst the youth. I think in the back of our minds everybody knew that was some non-sense but parents kind of hoped that their kids would wait.

Unlike them. Interesting isn’t it. I know I’ll probably have this dilemma. We want all of our kids to not do the same shit that we did. Do as I say, not as I do. Yet, history proves that they’re going to do a lot of the same shit that we do around the same time.

Hell, I knew there was a reason why my father said to me, in high school, in FRONT of me and my girlfriend:

Dad: “Don’t bring no babies around here!”

My Mom: “(pop’s name), stop that”

Dad: “Woman, I know they ain’t always together because they like talking to eachother.”

And boy was he right, she was so not the conversationalist. But a gymnast, you bet your ass she was.

The more you know!

*ding*

“It would be more effective,” Finer said, “to provide young people with the skills and information they need to be safe once they become sexually active — which nearly everyone eventually will.”

Amen. Why pretend that kids aren’t shellacking one another, why not teach them to be more responsible? I know its a tough road to hoe (*snicker*), but still, numbers don’t lie. Okay that’s not completely true either, you can pretty make numbers say what you want them too. However, how far fetched is this?

Not very.

I have to say here, that I must wonder about applaud people who wait until marriage to get their jollies off. With all of the temptation walking around here it’s amazing that anybody can wait.

Hell, I knew people in middle school schlumping one another. And by high school…either everybody was lying or I went to a very hormonious high school. It was also a Blue Ribbon School for Academic Excellence.

What with the number of pregnant girls walking around the two things my school was good at was math and fucking.

We believed in excelling!

I actually still know some virgins and with all of the sex that society is peddling, I’m often surprised by this. And they’re like real virgins. Not the fake chick ones who do “everything, but…”

Honestly, I hate those women…with the passion of Mel Gibson’s last two movies. And a soda on the side.

In fact, any woman who praises that mantra should be shipped to Saskatchewan with only Slim Jims and re-runs of Oprah, the fat years, at their disposal.

So essentially, I wrote all of this to say: Strap up America…she’s LYING!!!! And if he says he’s a virgin, you KNOW he’s lying.

Unless he has a pair of glasses with tape on them in which case he probably still lives at home with a bushel of duct-tape and KY Jelly…in which case he doesn’t have a shot in hell anyway.

And always remember this motto, it just might save your life–Lifestyles: Say YES! to pregnancy.