[***Much like every Thursday in Washington, DC, come out to LIV Nightclub at Bohemian Caverns for a slammin' good time. Word life! If it's anything like it was last week, it will be off the hook. Come party with Panama people! RSVP at the Stock13 website before 5pm for free admission before 11pm. And for those looking for something to do for New Year's Eve in DC, visit the Stockholm 180 site for information and advanced tickets for New Year's Eve on U Street, a party being thrown by something like 8 different promoters. Open bar from 9 til midnight, 4 floors of entertainment, and a free buffet!!! Go to Stockholm 180 for more info and to get advance tickets!!! ***]

So…Wordpress, my handy dandy new asshole sugarplum of a blog service thingamabob, has taken to eating ANOTHER one of my posts.

Gee hype.

But since I’m such a gee golly good fellow, I decided that I’d try to retype something, again, for the people. You see, Panama loves the kids. Me, Trick Daddy, and Wu-Tang are all about the kids.

So, what I HAD written was an eloquent send off to 2006 and all of its splendor and glory. It was a year that saw two rappers named Young something or other score with hits in both “It’s Going Down” and “Shoulder Lean” and it was a year that saw Jim Jones take his place at the right hand of…hmm…I came *this* close to saying something blasphemous.

Jim Jones became a star.

RIP James Brown. Too good to be forgotten…

But fuck it. Wordpress said, “naw nigga…” not today.

So to hell with it. I’m only filling space anyway. I’ve been on the move these past few weeks. Been to the Great Lakes State and will be heading down to the SW side of the A to do some parking lot pimpin’ with some of my folks, affectionately and clandestinely know as NWW.

We will be doing big shit.

And since most of you forgot about it already (what short memory spans):

Snakes on the plane!!!

Somebody said to me yesterday that they can’t wait to meet the woman I marry. I thought that as interesting given that so many women I know say that to me.

I must be special.

Bitches.

Every now and then I forget just how gosh dammit sexxy I am. I just felt like sharing that since its been such a long time since I have done so.

2007 is right around the corner and everybody is making resolutions. I have none. I resolve to be more resolute.

So any way, Happy Holidays to everybody out there. I’ve developed quite a few friendships with folks through this blog. Some folks that I’ve never met but that I’d like to someday. Everybody that comments and shit, I truly appreciate. My ramblings can be far flung (and long as the fuck) so thanks for sleepwalking people.

To you and yours, from me and mine, we here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises would like to wish you a Happy New Year.

Duck, it’s Dick (Cheney that is)!

Goodnight and goodluck.

[***By the way, for my DC people, get your ass out to LIV Nightclub tonight (2001 11th Street, NW-corner of 11th and U Streets, NW-for the Stock13 Christmas party and coat/blanket drive. Come party with the Mr. Oh So Sexxy (that's me) from 10pm-2am. RSVP on the site BEFORE 5PM for free admission before 11pm. Free Moet until we run out. Yeah, I said FREE. It's a Christmas party. I'm rocking a Santa hat and a bandana...how gangsta is that? ***]

Young Jeezy, whose sophomore album The Inspiration: Thug Motivation 102 was released on last Tuesday, sold 352,000 units according to Soundscan.

I’m sorry, I think everybody needs a moment to digest what just happened here.

Nas would say, “Can I please have a moment of silence…for hip-hop?”

I say, fuckin’ wow. Hell, he doesn’t even have a #1 song out right now, as his single, “I Luv It” is just in the top 30 on the popular and r&b/rap charts.

And his single actually isn’t any good. So do you realize what this means? For life, the future, and the kids???

It means that people actually LIKE Young Jeezy. It also means that nobody gives a shit that he sucks as a rapper–people actually LIKE him as a person. That is the only way a nigga with a lackluster ass single that can’t rap manages to outsell everybody. And get it right (two step and let your shoulder lean)…352K in today’s climate is doing big shit.

The biggest rap openings to date this year are Jay-Z (680K), T.I. (521K), and the Game (358K). Those rappers are all “superstar” rappers. Hell, Young Jeezy only sold like 170K on his first album.

He doubled up on that ass. In fact, he did that Heizman on dat ho on everybody that thought he wasn’t about to do big numbers.

Stop.

Have you heard the magnanimous ass sandwich that is my new favorite song by Da Heizman Boiz? It’s called, “Do Dat Heizman On Dat Ho”. Please, go visit their MySpace page…trust me it’s well worth it. I’m just itching for the chance to do dat heizman on some ho that’s trippin.

Shawty fine, breath stank? Do dat heizman on dat ho!!!! Breath stank, no bank? Do dat heizman on dat ho!!!!

And guess what? These niggas are college students. Like real ones. At my mother’s alma mater, Albany State University, to boot. Yes, I will be dining out on that one for months. Stange enough, there’s a serious push lately for college students to make headways in the Southern rap industry. I suppose all the dumb niggas that want to rap have already released albums. For instance, the artist responsible for what may be my second favorite single of the year, behind only T.I.’s “What You Know”, went to Tuskegee University and was an engineering student who dropped out to work on music.

The artist? Rich Boy of “Throw Some D’s” fame.

And yes, I’ve been throwing D’s on bitches (just bought a Cadillac) for the past few month.

Speaking of further ignorance, and since I’ve already tangentialized my tangent, the Saturday Night Live Skit with Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake, “Dick In A Box” might be the funniest shit I’ve seen in years. Literally. As in, for real for real.

One, cut a whole in that box. Two, put your junk in that boooooox. Three, make her open that box. That’s the way you do it!

It’s my dick in a box!

(You’d better watch it quick because NBC is doing dat heizman on dem hoes that posted this shit without their permission!)

Greatness isn’t accidental, it’s premeditated. And whoever wrote “Dick In A Box” is a great great man. My idol, inspiration, and hero. That’s the kind of ignorance I want to be responsible for when it’s all said and done.

Between “Do Dat Heizman On Dat Ho” and “Dick In A Box” (and I’m not sure which song I like more) and Young Jeezy selling like hotcakes, in the world of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises, ignorance is having the best. week. ever.

What was my original point? Oh yes, that Young Jeezy managed to do the unthinkable-completely market himself and finagle that into first week record sales success, which in the world of commercial hip-hop, is of utmost importance.

And oh yes, Jeezy is also responsible for what may be my favorite absofuckinlutely stupid line of the year, “my money’s so sick, I think I need to see a doctor” from the T.I. “Top Back” remix featuring Young Dro, B.G., Young Jeezy, and one of the Pimp Squad Clique rappers.

Classic stupid shit indeed.

This post got real random real quick. So let’s continue, shall we?

Because of Nas’ damn Hip-Hop Is Dead album, I’ve found myself defending the Ying Yang Twins a lot more lately. Go figure. I honestly think that “Wait (The Whisper Song)” was one of the most innovative songs to come out in like a decade and I don’t think people respect what they managed to pull off. And since I’m already insulting a lot of you reading motherfuckers, I’d like to add that Hip Hop Is Dead is not only a lie, it’s not a very good album either.

Yeah, I said it. The only reason I haven’t done a review of it yet is because that would require me to listen to it again. Not. Gonna. Happen. I’d rather listen to Blak Jak (I’m lying). Who’s Blak Jak? The artist responsible for that new hot shit, “Bobbin’ My Head”.

Dumb song, but I like it. It knocks. Like opportunity, bitch. Like opportunity.

And as a bonus for you all since you care, Fantasia sold 133K units and Tyrese sold 116K.

Hmm, let me put this entire Young Jeezy thing into perspective for you, mmkay?

Ciara, owner of what maybe the hottest single in the country (though it had to grow on me) and video (which I actually HATED at first), only sold about 320K her first week. And she’s selling to teenage girls who eat that type of shit up.

Young Jeezy outsold Ciara with a less good (you niggas bought Jeezy’s album so I can use whatever type of grammar I want from here on out) single and a less ubiquitous video.

And we all know that R&B money goes way further than rap money. Sure, 50 Cent owns an East-coast crib the size of a small hotel, but Babyface looks like he owns a state. And he hasn’t had a hit since Tupac died.

As you can see, I’m amazed at how many people actually just like Jeezy considering his lack of real talent. Apparently he’s figured out how to be a star. I can’t hate at all. In fact, all I can say is…

…I luv it.

From that title up there, you’d think that I was either talking about the recreational use of drugs or #$%^ing.

Today, I’m talking about #$%^ing.

According to a report conducted by the Guttmacher Institute–a private New York-based think tank that studies sexual and reproductive issues–at least 95 percent of Americans have engaged in premarital sex.

Including people from decades where we assumed sexual freedom and experimentation wasn’t as high, i.e. the 1940s and 1950s.

Um…wrong.

More than nine out of 10 Americans, men and women alike, have had premarital sex, according to a new study. The high rates extend even to women born in the 1940s, challenging perceptions that people were more chaste in the past.

According to (Lqwrence )Finer’s (research director of the Guttmacher Institute) analysis, 99 percent of the respondents had had sex by age 44, and 95 percent had done so before marriage.

Well if this isn’t good news I don’t know what is. This report basically tells us two things:

1. Women are definitely putting out and if you are a man and can’t get some, it’s you. Totally…you.

2. All of this mumbo jumbo about teen fucking has been an issue since like, forever. Only difference is the media coverage of such a thing. Out of sight out of mind.

And to think, we’ve been throwing millions and millions of dollars at programs and initiatives to promote abstinence amongst the youth. I think in the back of our minds everybody knew that was some non-sense but parents kind of hoped that their kids would wait.

Unlike them. Interesting isn’t it. I know I’ll probably have this dilemma. We want all of our kids to not do the same shit that we did. Do as I say, not as I do. Yet, history proves that they’re going to do a lot of the same shit that we do around the same time.

Hell, I knew there was a reason why my father said to me, in high school, in FRONT of me and my girlfriend:

Dad: “Don’t bring no babies around here!”

My Mom: “(pop’s name), stop that”

Dad: “Woman, I know they ain’t always together because they like talking to eachother.”

And boy was he right, she was so not the conversationalist. But a gymnast, you bet your ass she was.

The more you know!

*ding*

“It would be more effective,” Finer said, “to provide young people with the skills and information they need to be safe once they become sexually active — which nearly everyone eventually will.”

Amen. Why pretend that kids aren’t shellacking one another, why not teach them to be more responsible? I know its a tough road to hoe (*snicker*), but still, numbers don’t lie. Okay that’s not completely true either, you can pretty make numbers say what you want them too. However, how far fetched is this?

Not very.

I have to say here, that I must wonder about applaud people who wait until marriage to get their jollies off. With all of the temptation walking around here it’s amazing that anybody can wait.

Hell, I knew people in middle school schlumping one another. And by high school…either everybody was lying or I went to a very hormonious high school. It was also a Blue Ribbon School for Academic Excellence.

What with the number of pregnant girls walking around the two things my school was good at was math and fucking.

We believed in excelling!

I actually still know some virgins and with all of the sex that society is peddling, I’m often surprised by this. And they’re like real virgins. Not the fake chick ones who do “everything, but…”

Honestly, I hate those women…with the passion of Mel Gibson’s last two movies. And a soda on the side.

In fact, any woman who praises that mantra should be shipped to Saskatchewan with only Slim Jims and re-runs of Oprah, the fat years, at their disposal.

So essentially, I wrote all of this to say: Strap up America…she’s LYING!!!! And if he says he’s a virgin, you KNOW he’s lying.

Unless he has a pair of glasses with tape on them in which case he probably still lives at home with a bushel of duct-tape and KY Jelly…in which case he doesn’t have a shot in hell anyway.

And always remember this motto, it just might save your life–Lifestyles: Say YES! to pregnancy.

My first attempt at a post using Wordpress and it ALREADY ate my first post.

This is not a good sign. I up and leave Movable Type because of the ignorant amounts of spam I was getting and this is what happens. They must be exacting their revenge.

Fuck you Thanks Movable Type!

Anyway, welcome to the new temporary digs and whatnot. Same jam time, same jam channel. I got a new attitude.

I’ve got some new sponsors in the Black hand side (not actually sure that that means), Fantasia’s English teacher (ouch!) and Frederick Douglass’ hairstylist (probably some cat named Eustis or something).

Real talk, what the hell does the Black hand side mean? I do know that it sounds way better to say I bitchslapped him with the Black hand side. It’s like the difference between muhf*cka and motherf*cker. A few letters makes a world of difference.

Hmm, I’d better not see that slogan on television for UPS in their competition with USPS.

Why do people do that?

Do what?

That.

You know, use symbols and characters so as to not “use” a word but use it at the same time. Like ni&&a. Or a$$. Or f*ck. I still know what the word is.

So anyway, enjoy. Hopefully at some point in the future a new layout will be envisioned, but for now, I’m cool. The links aren’t all updated yet or anything so I’m still working. Okay, I’m not actually doing it. My ace boon coon is really doing all of this for me.

I heart her.

So welcome to version 3 of the intellectual arrogance ignorance that is Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises.

Panama’s Propositions - the Michael Eric Dyson people can actually understand.

That Lauryn Hill, what a prophet.

Today’s post is being brought to you by the good people of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises and the letter W.

Followed by the letter T. And not so far behind, the letter F.

Put it together class and what do you get?? WTF.

As in the what the fuck was Fantasia thinking when she wrote some of the shit that is on her newest album, the self-titled Fantasia?

Despite that question, I find myself feeling warmed by her album.

Do you know why I appreciate artists like Fantasia (and similarly people like Jagged Edge or Mary J. Blige, during the Great Crackskapades of the early to mid 90s)? I love them because they do not run away from their inner-ghetto. You see, so many of us el Negroes try to hide from the fact that we do indeed possess ghetto bones.

I have some. Do you? It’s okay. In fact, anybody with ghetto bones, please, with a show of hands…show yourself!

*hands a-waving*

Ahh…the smell of truth.

Being the ghetto queen that Fantasia apparently is (down to the inordinate education), she has decided that she was going to make an album for her people. What people would that be? The same people who actually found her song “B.A.B.Y.M.A.M.A.” to be a rallying cry and an endearing, honorable tribute to the single, un-wed mother.

Not that there is anything wrong with being a single, un-wed mother. Then again, there is a hell of a difference between being a babymama and a single mother. Color me ignorant, but it seems that Fantasia made it okay (once again, to her fans) to aspire to be a baby mama whereas a single mother would usually rather not be in that situation. But once again, color me ignorant.

And then color me bad. Ohhh…beeeeeeeehave.

On her newest magnum opus, Fantasia has a song entitled “Uneligible”.

I’d like to take a quick smokebreak, so please re-read that last sentence as many times as you need.

*smokebreak*

If you’re anything like me, you probably looked at that word a few times before calmly asking yourself, “is that a word?”

Then, I briskly walked to my dictionary to check. Nope…in fact, I’m about to go look at my office dictionary right now.

Hold, please.

*holding*

Nope, not in my office dictionary. It goes from unedited to unemotional. But you know what I did find?

Ineligible.

A one letter variance, but a signficant one nonetheless. Which begs the question…two questions actually: why not just use the word ineligible?; and why doesn’t she have any friends who tell her better?

Oh, she answers that on the album’s last song, “Bump What Ya Friends Say”.

Well, okay then.

You’ve really got to love songs like that don’t you? The song “Uneligible” is about the good men who all seem to be “uneligible.” Ooh, ooh, I have a question!!!

Since she refers to her men as uneligible, does that actually make them uneligible? Perhaps there is some subtle distinction between ineligible and uneligible…perhaps her men just ain’t available (hence, uneligible) whereas ineligible men are just not qualified!!!

Perhaps Fantasia is the smart one. She’s done gone and created a new word, probably by accident since I don’t actually respect her mind. Sad, I know.

But until she can read one of my posts I stand by my statement.

Ouch.

What I do appreciate about her new album is that she really holds nothing back. For instance, here are some of the song titles: “I Nominate U” (c’mon, don’t we all really want to be nominated for something??), “Baby Makin’ Hips” (you laugh, but I love me a woman with baby makin’ hips), “Two Weeks Notice” (not sure how this really applies to her people since most of them are probably fans of being babymamas and probably work at places that a two week notice probably ain’t all that necessary, let alone a two minute notice).

Ouch again.

I’m mean.

Then there’s that guaranteed hot shit, “Bore Me (Yawn)”. I actually have to give Fantasia a lot of credit here. People often give you song titles, but when was the last time people gave you the intransitive verb to go with their song title?

Did Babyface? How much better is this song title: “Every Time I Close My Eyes (Blink)”?

Or “There She Goes (Point)”?

Clearly, he’s not as forward thinking as Fantasia.

And the entire album makes sense because her first single is “Hood Boy”, a sort of double entendre since clearly she needs a hood boy, and it’s also apparently who she mad the album for, the “hood, boy”.

Deep. Perhaps I do respect her mind. A broke clock may be right only twice a day, but when it’s right, it’s right.

Mind you, a lot of this stuff is actually pretty good, music-wise, and she can sing despite the fact that I pretty much don’t like her voice at all. What’s really funny is that for every person I’ve mentioned that she has as song called “Uneligible”, every body thinks its okay because Fantasia apparently isn’t the scholar we all pray for.

And she can’t read, though I’m inclined to believe that she’s probably made headway in that deparment since her admission. Which if I’m not mistaken was during the “writing” of her book. Dictaphone never had it so good!

All in all, I appreciate Fantasia for what she brings to the table. Unapologetic ignorance. She exists to make me realize that people like us do have a place in the world. For me, it’s at the table with lawmakers and hookers, for her it’s at the library, but there is a place nonetheless.

Irregardless of what we may all think, Fantasia is finna do things her way. And through her, we are all connectededed.

She is us and we are her.

Thank you Fantasia for keeping it real and damn you to Hell for causing a whole new generation of little ninjas who will undoubtedly think that the word “uneligible” is actually real and okay since it’s a song that I think women who can’t find a good man will be drawn towards.

Thank you Fantasia, for not crossing over but bringing the suburbs to the ‘hood.

I believe it was the great prophet and soothsayer, Big Daddy Kane, who uttered the now famous words:

“…stick a quarter in your ass cuz you played yourself…”

Deep.

Deep.

Those words are like a no smoking sign on your cigarette break or the free ride, when you’ve already paid. Some would say those things are ironic. Me, I say those things mean you don’t read. Usually there are signs up that let you know all the information that you need to know.

Myself and Ace of Base? We saw the signs.

Thus brings us to one Jay Jenkins, better known as Young Jeezy, your favorite trapper’s favorite trapper, from Atlanta, by way of Macon, Georgia.

Young Jeezy is an idiot. If you have any time, please listen to this interview he conducted with Monie Love on a Philadelphia radio station. It is well worth it.

Radio Interview with Young Jeezy and Monie Love [spotted via Nah Right]

In this interview, myriad things are discussed: Lil Wayne’s comments about Jay-Z, hip-hop being dead, international relations and diplomacy, global warming, Tolstoy and the novel Crime and Punishment.

Okay, only the first two things were actually discussed.

I could be showing my age here, but I’ll just attempt to show all of your ages too. How many people here know who Monie Love is?

*lots of raised hands*

Oooh, oooh, better question. Who here knows better than to get into an argument with a Black woman??

*everybody’s hand (all nationalities, races, creeds) should be raised*

Let’s discuss how you lose an argument, like an idiot.

Ever since Nas decided to name his album Hip-Hop Is Dead, the streets have been abuzz with people debating that theory. This was either a brilliant marketing ploy by Nas to get everybody talking about him or just dumb luck. Well, the Youngest of Jeezy’s gets roped into a conversation about hip hop being dead.

He disagrees. Fine. And truthfully, call me an elitist or whatever, but why anybody would debate with Jeezy about hip-hop being dead is beyond me. I mean this is the same dude who rhymes words like “John Madden” with…

…John Madden. Or my personal favorite line of his, “…speaking of pockets, mine got the mumps…”

Pure poetry right there, my friend. Pure poetry.

But Jeezy decides that this is an argument he wants because apparently he has some feelings about this whole hip-hop is dead quagmire that so many artists are facing today. You see, Jeezy, though having said he’s not a rapper but a hustler who raps, has taken this personally. Somehow, he feels like Nas has made a personal affront to him or other rappers of his ilk. Ego much? He doesn’t say it so much as its implied from his tone.

Or maybe Monie Love just got to him and he started talking reckless off the dome because he didn’t have time to think. Who knows…either way, Youngest of Jeezy’s…this is your life.

And this is how you lose an argument. Monie Love posits that the concept of hip-hop is dead since hip-hop, as it were, was more inclusive and just one area didn’t get shine (as is now with the crack-rap, drug dealer turned rapper, bling-bling, crap rap) as happens now.

Jeezy feels that hip-hop isn’t dead…its just a new day and time with a new movement. Rap is for the kids. Rap is here to sell records.

Wu-Tang is (also) for the kids.

But uh oh…Jeezy fucks it all up and starts down the wrong road by asking Monie where she’s from (which would be London). He seems to be asking as if that where she’s from would make her perspective of rap completely different.

Nevermind that this is Monie Love of Native Tongues fame. The same Monie Love who’s been rapping for years and years. In the United States. With cats from the same streets that Jeezy probably claims to respect.

Somehow, Jeezy interprets Nas saying hip-hop is dead, and Monie Love saying that hip-hop is dead as them saying that they don’t respect Jeezy’s craft. Umm…nobody said that.

Poor Jeezy, because then he goes the route that so many misguided youth go when they misunderstand or take things too personally regarding hip-hop. You see, Jeezy, in his defense of hip-hop (and his role in hip-hop) being alive goes straight for the worst two arguments in history:

1) (Nas’ first week) record sales; and

2) (Nas’) street credibility.

Two things that have jack shit to do with hip-hop on their own. Yes, in today’s day and age, we do care about record sales. Even the hip-hop heroes of yore are complaining that they’re not selling millions. Nevermind that they’re making shitty albums or that they’re selling what they’ve always sold.

But umm…the focus on record sales is KIND OF the problem. And yes I’m fully aware that hip-hop is more business than artistry at this point.

Same goes for street-credibility. Umm…who really cares. If you’re the hardest, most connected, dude in the street, but you suck as a rapper *coughJeezycough* who the fuck cares. And that doesn’t define hip-hop either. Hell, A Tribe Called Quest weren’t any street hard niggas but I’d bet that Jeezy wouldn’t go saying they weren’t hip-hop.

Plus, Nas has never been out here talking about “busting guns” as Jeezy says. Unless I missed that album.

(I didn’t.)

Thing is, this idiot is PROVING her point for her. There’s only one school of thought from most people nowadays (well the youngsters) and that’s street cred and record sales. That’s what makes you a legit rapper. And that’s exactly what Monie Love was getting at…that is not hip-hop as it was. My favorite part of the interview is whoever is in the background that says: “because THAT’S hip-hop!” sarcastically as Jeezy rattles off about Nas’ street credibility, or lack thereof.

I heart her.

And let’s clear this up. Jeezy is not a good rapper. Never was. He’s a catchy rapper. Jeezy is syphillis. Fuckin’ around long enough with the shit that’s out there (all the wack ass music out now) and you just might catch something (Jeezy). But when you finally get tested (actually start listening to the music and what he’s saying) you want a cure (ANYTHING is better than Jeezy at this point being as his new album is a 2 dollar ho).

Jeezy is a product of our times. His first album sold well because he was “different”. At this point, I have no idea what his appeal is. Between him and Rick Ross, if it wasn’t for catchy beats, they’d pretty much be obsolete ass negroes. But even I listened for a minute and was caught up. He’s a master marketer. Ad-libs, catchy hooks and banging beats and wham! Jeezy did the same thing that 50 said The Game did. Average rapping over great production (The Documentary) and by George Michael, you have an instant hit.

Let me also add this, I’m not an elitist, nothing-but-the-old-school, backpack rap enthusiast who thinks Lupe Fiasco is the second coming of Jesus for rap music. In fact, I do not like Lupe Fiasco. I like commercial stuff just as much as I like “underground” and I don’t think hip-hop is dead. But it aint my debate, it’s Jeezy versus Monie Love.

Jeezy sounds like so many southern rappers nowadays who are taking everything personal. Granted, a lot of rappers from NY have been hating on the South…but its because they aren’t selling and they’re bitter. Oh well, NY needs to get the fuck over it. And make better music. But these niggas can’t take everything so personal either. For fuck’s sake Jeezy, nobody said they didn’t respect your craft (well I think you suck, but nobody asked me)…Monie pointed out that rap isn’t what it used to be…and who hasn’t said that?

“All these rappers sound the same…” or “everything out now is the same ole same ole…”

Any fan, including most rappers, has said that at some point.

Oh well, Young Jeezy has morphed himself into an idiot and he totally lost an argument by not thinking. He even capped it off by walking out, which is also known as the ultimate bitch move…oh well…

Since Nas started this, I think it’s only right that Nas finishes it. Young Jeezy, you’ve just been…

…ethered.

Me and one of mi compadres are working on a project intended to educate, facilitate, and aid in procreate (-tion). And no it’s not a How To Have Safe Sex When All You Have Are Lifestyle Condoms seminar. It’s a project that just might open the flood gates for discussion amongst the sexes. Gender roles are turned on their ear and stereotypes are accepted as fact.

Thing is, in this little booky book, we’ve tackled some issues that were close to our hearts. Clearly we can’t tackle everything. But it got me to thinking recently (actually just like 10 minutes ago), women have so many questions for men, from why do we cheat to why come we don’t be e’en known how to ack rite, etc…but how often do men have questions for women?? When it comes to relationships, quite often women have more questions than a mothertrucker when it comes time to discuss shit whereas us menfolks tend to be more observers and listeners and answerers and debaters. We debate what was said without usually bringing much new shit to the table.

Hell, the most common question males probably ask females is: what the hell is wrong with you all?

It’s a valid question.

But I’ve come to realize, through life experience, that I have other questions. And I’d very much like it if I could get some help. I’m going to lay one major question out there and see what happens from there, mostly because I’d like to know. So let’s get to it.

There’s a notion amongst the womanly community that men know when we fuck up. We’re very clear when we’re in the wrong. Usually, when doing dirt, a man will try to slyly make up for it by overcompensating in some area he normally wouldn’t, causing suspicion and ultimately leading to his be-heading because women are indeed not dumb.

Crazy, but not dumb.

But this begs the question: when a woman fucks up, does she know it? As in, are women adept at realizing when they just might have pushed a motherfucker too far? Say he doesn’t try to stab you with a fork, or he doesn’t emotionally show that he’s been trampled on like a herd of wild Buffalo running over some cowboys in 1891…

If he never outwardly says, “I’m over this shit, you obviously don’t give a shit about me so fuck you and the horse you rode in on…”, do women know that they just might have done irreparable damage?

I don’t even want to get into whether or not the average women would care or not.

Basically, how much do women pay attention to fucking up relationships? Men apparently do it all the time, but women never get any credit for fucking shit up either. Do women assume that because the man has shown over time that he can’t let go that no damage has been done?

This is just something I’ve been thinking about lately. Does it stem from anything? Of course it does. Experience is the best teacher, but the experience just may not have been mine.

Cryptic much? You bet yer ass.

Oh and a special fuck you out to everybody for NOT telling me that motherfucking Akeelah and The Bee is a STARBUCKS ENTERTAINMENT production. Yes, quite much, fuck everybody who’s seen it and didn’t tell me causing me to spend 20 dollars of my hard earned money on a movie that the evil powers that be have brought to the Black community, the same community that they’re gonna be shipping our movie-watching asses out of soon…down with Starbucks.

So yes, fuck you very much.

Today’s post is sponsored by Allhiphop and it’s famous and unfuckwitable rumors section.

*applause*

Allhiphop is the first website I check everyday after I turn my computer on. Before I get to my personal email or even my work email. Some things are just more important than communicating with people you’d rather not actually speak to. I always read the latest on which rapper got arrested or shot (sometimes both) or what other strange goings on are permeating the rap community and then it’s straight to the rumors section because there is ALWAYS something interesting. And yes, they are rumors, but let’s just do what everybody else in America does, ignore the facts and just pretend its all true.

With that in mind, we are going to analyze the rumors section of Allhiphop.com today. Allons-y.

Rumors in italics.

JD AND JANET ON THE ROCKS?

This is getting to be a lil’ tired - you know, people anticipating the death of a couple’s relationship. Here were are…talking about it. There’s some talk that Janet now has nobody to look out for her interests at Virgin now that JD has quit his high-post position over there. He quit, because he was riding for her ��� corporate protest. You know, he produced 20 Y.O. and sales were under-whelming. So, now Janet is reportedly talking with her old producers Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis to get her on track? I don’t know, but that���s the word! Anyway, the chasm widens, according to rumors, but I think they will be OK. They have stuck by each other through thick and thin - literally! Anyway, they were at the Billboard Awards together looking happy!

Hmm…in the event that the two of them are actually on the rocks, I’d like to refer to a quote I like to read from time to time:

“…sometimes the business end of this shit can turn your friends against you…” ~ Dr. Dre “What’s The Difference” 2001

Nothing ruins a relationship like finances and fucking with one’s career. Cheating…eh…folks get over that. But you mess with their money? Crikey. Thing is, Janet’s album 20 Y.O. was not just a commercial flop, it completely sucked. I listened to it. I know asstastic music when I hear it. Janet Jackson, meet your destiny. She tried to let JD do it, and truth be told, that’s her fault, but I’m sure he convinced her that if he could save Mariah Carey then one nipple couldn’t stop him from saving Janet’s career too. Um…no. Thing is, weren’t Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis on this album too?? I know Janet is an entertainer, but the people have spoken…we want Bush out, Democrats in and nobody really gives a shit about Janet anymore. We’ll all just listen to Rhythm Nation or Janet and be done with it. Buh-bye.

Though you have to wonder, had Janet released an album right after Nipplegate, do you think it would have sold well? Is she the only artist that controversy doesn’t help?

MORE DIVORCE ON THE HORIZON?

Y’all know, I believe in the power of love, even if I don’t feel the love from people these days. At any rate, I don’t want to see Madonna go through a divorce, but rumor has it her marriage with Guy Ritchie is on the rocks. Word has it, the pair have done the necessary work and gotten a counselor to mend the rift. Apparently, Madonna’s very public and controversial adoption of an African baby boy has caused some tension in the house. Now, it���s not the boy, but rather how Madonna acts around him as the rumored source of beef. I wish them the best, especially for their other two kids.

Yeah, so I kind of don’t care. Then again, you just have to wonder about all of these celebrities picking off little African babies. Hell, there are plenty of needy little Black babies in America if there thing is babies of color. I’m not completely sure how I feel about this yet, but something ain’t right.

50 CENT & G-UNIT DROPPED?!?!

As you may or may not know, there’s a crazy rumor running around that 50 Cent, Eminem, G-Unit and even Shady Records were all getting the ax by Jimmy Iovine! Now, I admit I heard some things and even heard some of the names of the artists, but this rumor was getting crazy. Anyway, I heard it���s not true and that 50 Cent and the crew aren’t going anywhere just yet. They can’t ’til I get my MOP album. But, other cuts might be coming… its not hardly safe ��� TRUST! With a double album coming out, is it possible that 50 Cent is planning to defect? Just a question.

Is the 50 Dynasty crumbling? This rumor has already been confirmed as false by an Interscope executive but let’s think on this. Clearly, 50’s acts aren’t exactly top shelf anymore. Perhaps its oversaturation or perhaps people have finally realized that short of 50 and Young Buck, every G-Unit album has, for lack of a better term, sucked. People who like G-Unit albums tell me they like LOX albums…and they suck too. Now let’s be clear, 50 Cent ain’t getting dropped. That’s in nobody’s best interest at Interscope. And the inability to drop 50 means you can’t drop his G-Unit roster…but he managed to make Mobb Deep irrelevant. Which, as we all know, is a feat unto itself. It ain’t like anybody was really checking for a new Mobb Deep album anyway but you’d think the added firepower of 50 would help. Not so much. And I’d like to put out an APB on M.O.P. Them niggas just can’t catch a break I swear.

FREE M.O.P.

That’s my new cause in life. Right after I jump back onto the “Reincarcerate Yayo” bandwagon that some genius started a few years ago. That person is my hero.

But how fuckin’ amazing would it be to see 50 Cent’s entire empire crumble. Don’t they already sell G-Unit shit damn near exclusively at Marshall’s and TJ Maxx…which ain’t a knock. But I just bought a suit, 10 shirts, 20 ties, and a partridge and a pear tree from there for 19.99. Granted, it was Kenneth Kohl but still.

BE A FATHER - IF NOT WHY BOTHER?

Remember Eddie Murphy and Scary Spice. They were going on vacations together and their kids were playing together. Now, rumor has it, the Spice girl is pregnant and Eddie did a ghost move. According to tmz, this dude is questioning the paternity of the lil’ bun in the oven! When an interviewer asked if he was happy with Mel B, he said, “You’re being presumptuous, because we’re not together anymore. And I don’t know whose child that is, until it comes out and has a blood test. You shouldn’t jump to conclusions, sir.” That’s word to Ed OG.

“He’s a NIIIIIIIIIGGER…HE’S A NIGGGGGGGGGGER”

What?

LIL��� WAYNE MAD?

He also reportedly dissed The Clipse and Pharrell too. I wonder if he’ll take it back on the radio.

Has Lil Wayne lost his fuckin’ mind? So let me get this right. You’re going to get pissed off at the nigga who’s style you straight SWAGGER JACKED??? Isn’t that a violation of Rappin’ 101?? How can you claim to be better than the nigga you owe your entire livelihood to? Especially when you’re kind of not better. This brings up another point too…

…the fuck is this? Dis-That-Nigga Jay Month? Good got damn. Raekwon, LL Cool J, Lil Wayne, Jim Jones (though I am enjoying that one…I’d like them to keep that one up), and POTENTIALLY even Bow Wow? Come the fuck on. I know LL Cool J got beef since he feels like Jay ain’t getting behind his projects…then again, I wonder if LL has even heard his own shit. His albums are fuckin’ horrible nowadays. Promotion wouldn’t save those. If LL didn’t look like he does women wouldn’t buy his albums (which apparently has stopped happening).

LL Cool J…you suck now. Give it up. Plus, you’re too easy a target for Jay. Hell, he wouldn’t even have to do a song, he could just do a press conference and show up with your last, like 5 albums, put them on display, throw up his hands and he’d be declared the victor. People think Kingdom Come is bad…okay…but damn LL, people don’t even OWN your albums anymore.

Raekwon…yeah, until he manages to put out an actual good album this decade (Only Built For Cuban Links is over 10 years old now…hmmm, one hot album every 10 year average, anyone?) he can shut the fuck up too. In fact, all these niggas need to be easy. In my opinion, Jay needs to just do a song called “Like Father, Like Son” and just take Lil Wayne down a notch or two since, ya know, he BIRTHED that nigga’s whole persona and style.

I hate Black people sometimes.

I think I’ll just stop there.

When I thought about bringing the question of Jodeci’s best song to the masses (and boy did I, but I’ll get there), I didn’t realize I was asking people to choose between Martin and Malcolm.

Hell, I didn’t realize I was asking who’s the greatest: Jay-Z, Biggie, or Nas (and Tupac, ya know, just because)?

Shucks, who knew that asking a large group of Black people (and some white and Latino people) what Jodeci’s best song was would essentially be the most difficult decision of our lives? To hell with the President, that’s easy. AIDS: to know or not to know? Well, duh…take the test dummy. You say you have to be at work tomorrow at 7am but you’d REALLY like to take make that booty call because it’s been a few months since you’ve had some but the sex wasn’t that great but mediocre sex is better than no sex, so should you make the call? No brainer…of course.

But Jodeci? I feel like I asked people to smack their mothers with rusty barnacles and a box of Hi-Liters…the orange ones.

In fact, to illustrate just how hard a question this was (you can read some of the comments from yesterday) here are some text messages I received:

“Lately…all day. My 2nd choice is Freekn”

Wait 2 seconds…text from the same person:

“I changed my mind, I want to go with Feenin”

Sheesh…and that was the first text I received in response to my question. So what was to follow?

“who is jodeci?” ~ I told her that if she wasn’t joking we could never get married…amazing how quickly she provided me a response.

“I always liked Feenin…but the Freeknu Remix was good also. To tell you the truth, I can’t choose…there are a lot that I like” ~ sounds about consistent with what I’d heard and more tame too; one of my friend’s called me Satan for making her have to do this type of heavy thinking at work…she’s a systems engineer.

“Hmm…how much time do I have?” ~ Apparently this isn’t a snap decision type of question. True and honest thought must be used to determine the answer. If only black people could be this focused and careful in every other decision. Shoot, that could have saved us from D4L at the very least.

“i don’t want them to get back together, but the first song that pops into my head is ‘forever my lady’ but i think i like ‘luv u for life’ more…actually, just shoot me now because I can’t decide.” ~ That wasn’t a text, that was actually a conversation I had with a chick while I was standing in line at Quizno’s. I figured that since she was young and Black she’d probably have an opinion. She did. And no I didn’t try to holler at her; she ordered some kind of weird sandwich. Eww.

“that’s like asking to pick ur favorite child! I won’t do it! Damn u…lol! I’m still waiting remix” ~ Now you see what happened there? Psychoanalytically, she went through four stages: Indecisive to outright defiance to reluctant deference to acceptance. I mean she’s still wrong. Hmm, is it a problem if when she said that I was like, they had a remix for “I’m Still Waiting”?

I asked one of my friends if she thought this was the most difficult question in the Black community to which she texted back:

“lol yo it just might be. When have you ever known xxx to not have an answer. And those last 2 votes? The niggas literally burst into song as an answer.” ~ When was the last time anybody answered a question about Martin Luther King, Jr with an excerpt from his “I Have A Dream” speech? Hmmm?? Hmmm??

You get the point here. Obviously I was a little bit cavalier in how light I took this question and situation. And to complicate matters even further…

…I asked people at the line to get into the club last night. I specifically stayed at the door for a while just to ask. And do you know why this is a problem? Because I had do an impromptu performance of a good 8 of Jodeci’s songs as one patron was trying to decide and she needed to hear them.

So I sang them, which caused other people to start singing their songs. Yeah so, we started a mini-concert outside for a little while. Except none of us can sing. But a crackhead did show up, so it felt more like K-Ci was there in spirit at least. Oh, Devante too. He’s clearly on that shit.

Then, to make it even worse, I had the DJ play the “Come and Talk To Me (Remix)” in the club (though he didn’t actually play it until a rather attractive young lady accompanied me to the DJ booth demanding that it be played since she thinks its the best Jodeci song). The host for the evening went around asking people if it was the best Jodeci song which was followed up the the “Freek NU (Remix)” which just shut shit down. That damn Jodeci, man they made great music.

Sidenote: Have you ever saw, developed a crush and then lost the same crush all in the course of a night? That happened to me last night. I met this chick who I’d apparently seen at least a gazillion times and I caught the biggest crush on her. She’s hot, smiles, and just seems like a genuinely nice person. Then I found out she was engaged. I totally lost the crush. Shit was over just as soon as it started. She’s still hot though…jeez Louise is she hot.

So now we get to decision time…according to the over 250 people that were polled via text message, personal interview, and Internet means, what is the best Jodeci song?

*drumroll*

“Come And Talk To Me (Original)” was voted the best song with the majority of about 35 votes.

However, my personal pick “Freek NU” was a VERY close second with around 33 votes, followed by “Forever My Lady” (27 votes), “Feenin’” (25), “Love You For Life” (21), “Stay” (20), “Come And Talk To Me (Remix)” (20), “Cry For You” -which is my second choice for best song- had (19).

Everything else had 15 votes or less, to include: “Stay”, “My Heart Belongs To You”, Freek NU (Remix)”, “U and I”, “What About Us?”, “Lately” and “I’m Still Waiting (Original and Remix)”

I’d like to thank and apologize to everybody for all of the grief I put them through by asking people to pick the best Jodeci song. I’m sure that quite a few side conversations were spawned because of this out in the real world. Heck, a few people actually came up to me in the club wanting to change their prior answer.

The only thing this proves to me is that there really is no best Jodeci song. There was no clear winner and damn near 12 songs were name-checked by people which only leads me to believe that Jodeci’s catalog is just that good. They’re all great songs. Hell most people couldn’t actually just name even one song. It was always, well I think “this” and “that” are the best songs.

Bottom line, Jodeci is that shit and Boyz II Men can’t touch them.

Yeah, I said it…who the f**k want what??!?!!!!

Oh, and my friend’s choice was “Forever My Lady” or “Stay” so technically…I won. She will disagree. And because she’s a woman, she will be right.

I think I’ve figured out this whole man vs. woman thing.