In this world, there are a few things you just do not fuck with a Black man about.

2) His momma. Since most of our fathers are absentee at worst and total dickheads at best, our mothers become our sanctuary; our sole source of true inspiration and largely the one and only woman we have unfettered trust in.

Talking about a Black man’s mother just might get you fucked up. But even that can be forgiven because as is usual, most people always go straight for the momma when trying to instigate.

And then we have this…

1) His money. This just might get you killed. Period. Point blank.

“…fuck that, exclamation, comma, quotation, i love drama, period…” ~ Jay-Z “Trouble” Kingdom Come (in stores tomorrow)

You do not, I repeat, do not, fuck with a Black man’s money. You can talk about my momma, but do not fuck with my money.

And yet, in the past few weeks, folks have been fucking with my money and being a little bit too easy-going about it. Allow me to share a little bit about my adventures…follow me.

Panama Get’s His Car Fixed

Washington, DC, has some of the absofuckinlutely stupidest laws known to man when it comes to getting your car registered. Without going into too much detail, in order to get your car registered in DC, you must pass a safety inspection and in order to pass inspection you cannot have you windows tinted despite the fact that in Washington, DC, it is legal to have your windows tinted.

Common sense, be damned.

Anywho, I had to remove my tints and in the process, the folks that removed my tints fucked up my car stereo.

Umm, yeah, because THAT makes sense.

Well, in order to get my stereo back online, I have a security code I punch in. Well, a long long time ago, I had my stereo replaced by my dealer (car not crack) and they never gave me the new security codes. I didn’t realize that. So my stereo fuckin’ locked up and shut down. I take it back to the dealer and they charge me 100 bucks to find out the codes DESPITE it being their fault that I didn’t have the right one in the first place.

As you can imagine, I went into that bitch in Ether mode. I was ready to burn the place down over my 100 dollars since it was THEIR fault in the first place. What made it even worse was this:

[This is the transcript of an actual conversation that I had]

Pissed Panama: When I had my stereo repaced, by you all, the guy didn’t give me the new codes. I mean, why would I lock up my own stereo with the WRONG codes if I KNEW they were wrong in the first place? Either I didn’t know I had the wrong one, which would be your fault, or I had the wrong codes, which again, would be your fault. How am I being held liable when this is your dealership’s fault?

Service Manager: Well, I just talked to my top manager who informed me that since we can’t prove that he didn’t give you the codes we can’t do anything about the price.

Pissed Panama: Excuse me???? Because you can’t prove he didn’t??!?!?? Which also means that you can’t prove that he did?????!!!!! Right?!! Right?!?!!!

SM: Well, yes…

PP: Can I speak to your manager???

I spoke with the manager and he fixed my shit and I got my money back. But seriously, what the FUCK kind of logic is that??

Score: Panama 1 Moneyfuckers 0

Panama Get’s His Car Insured

When switching one’s car over to a new jurisdiction, one must get one’s car insured in one’s new district…one.

I did just that. I had my insurance transferred over. I’ve been leary of doing this for years for a few reasons. For one, I live in Washington, DC, and not in a neighborhood known for its upstanding citizenry. That is changing and you can walk down the street safely and it is changing into a white neighborhood actually.

I mean, white people walk their dogs at 3am without any fear. Amazing, isn’t it? Fuck Starbucks, THAT’S how you know your neighborhood is changing.

For two, I currently park on the street in a neighborhood where the kids actually spray paint cars of folks that don’t live there. No lie. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. I was floored. These kids literally went car by car and skipped over the cars of people they knew lived in the neighborhood.

For three, where my car was previously registered was a veritable car utopia compared to where I live now. People used to park there and leave windows down and cars unlocked. I’m not saying they should, I’m just saying they did.

I get my car insured and I’m given a quote that I can live with. It sounds a little bit too good to be true but whatever. The lady assures me that it’s my rate quote. So imagine my surprise (and chagrin) when I start getting my paperwork in the mail and my once benign and pleasant quote has somehow managed to inflate itself by 100 dollars. No longer benign, it has become malignant. It has chafed my hide.

So I do what any self-respecting sexxy and debonair Negro would do, I call my insurance agent where I am informed that my initial quote was the product of A FUCKING MISTAKE ON HER PART. She placed me in the wrong class which resulted in my lower quote. Apparently, she had me listed (through no fault of my own…my paper work merely transferred offices so all of my information was available for her in front of her very eyes) as an over 30 married man. And seeing as how I’ve neither reached 30 nor have I been enslaved into marriage, my rate was wrong.

You know mistakes happen, but what pissed me off is that when I called and she immediately picked out the error she seemed awfully cavalier about it, like my 100 dollars doesn’t matter. She just kind of said, “oops” and called it a day. Needless to say, with inept fucks like that working at this particular insurance agency…I’m beginning my search for insurance elsewhere. The key to good customer service is to not make your client feel as if you DON’T CARE that you just fucked them and didn’t even give them a kiss on the cheek when you left in the middle of the night.

Score :Panama 1 Moneyfuckers 1

Other Side of The Story: I must say, I kind of deserve this one though. You see, when I was looking for an agent, I came across a site that listed all of the agents in my neighborhood and had pictures. I went straight for the most attractive agent. Plus she was a Delta and went to Howard. I figured I can’t lose, right?? Wrong. Word to the wise: Never trust a fine Delta from Howard…she just might fuck you out of your money and not even kiss you on the cheek afterwards.

Panama And His Paycheck

I haven’t gotten to the bottom of this one yet, but apparently my current employer has decided to come light with my money this pay period. Either I’m being fired and don’t know it, or somebody made a boo-boo that needs some correcting. And it isn’t even a huge amount, it’s just the principle. Actually, it’s my motherfucking money so it is a big deal and it is a principle issue and I’m a Black man.

All I know is that if this shit doesn’t add up, there just may be some major changes ’round these parts one of these days.

Plus, how you gonna fuck somebody over during the Christmas season? That’s just cruel.

Score: Panama 1 Moneyfuckers 1

But we don’t know how this last one will turn out.

AND IT’S ONLY MONDAY!! And Michigan lost to Ohio State for the THIRD straight year though luckily they’re still ranked #2 in the BCS.

I never talk about it on here, but I’m a diehard Michigan fan. Hell, I used to live in Ann Arbor and I still remember getting my shots at the University of Michigan hospital. They used to give me Snoopy band-aids.

I can’t wait to see what Tuesday has in store…