October Madness 2006: Analysis of Round 1
As was the case last year, we here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises have brought in respected womanologist sociologist, Dr. Heda Mann, Phd, OPP, NAACP, OB/GYN, to come and offer his thoughts on the first round of October Madness 2006. This entire analysis is unscripted and is the property of JGT Enterprises 2006. Any duplication of today’s programming might result in straight mollywoppage.
Panama: Dr. Mann, I’d like to thank you for taking time of your busy schedule to come through here and offer some thoughts and analysis on this year’s tournament. We greatly appreciate it.
Dr. Mann: Not a problem Panama. Thanks for having me. You and The Champ are paragons of everything that is right in the world. Keep it up. I hear you have another project in the works that will “change the game” as you young people say. And oh yeah, congratulations on the Atlanta Falcons win over the Pittsburgh Steelers yesterday.
Panama: Thanks Doc. It does feel good for the Falcons of Atlanta to kick an oblong ball through a giant H to beat the Steelers of Pittsburgh. It was, indeed, a most ripping victory. There is another project in the works but we’ll keep that on the hush-hush tip. Let’s get right into the tournament. Before we get into specifics, what are your impressions of the brackets and the participants overall this year.
Dr. Mann: Well similar to last year, I think you all have a pretty good cross-section of women. Some dark, some light, some thick…in fact, let me just say that I’m not sure why Toccara doesn’t get more attention. Despite her plus-sizedness, she’s quit the showstopper, to hell with Danity Kane. There are some issues I had with the seeding of a few women, but for the most part, the brackets look good to me. They make for some interesting matchups in the Sweet 16 already.
Panama: Hmm…seeding issues? What do you mean?
Dr. Mann: For instance, how in the world does Lisa Raye end up an 8 seed over somebody like say Alicia Keys who was a 4 seed. Truth be told, the main difference between the two is that Lisa Raye is a finer, sexxier, more asstastic version of Alicia Keys, minus the music ability, which actually has very little to do with this tournament. Additionally, there were some “unfair” matchups early. Take for instance, Dania Ramirez versus Toccara. Now really, son, Dania deserves to go further than the first round, but so does Toccara, yet, one of them has to go. But much like any tournament, life isn’t fair. I mean did you see Coach Carter? Richmond had to face St. Francis in the first round of the state playoffs. That wasn’t fair.
Panama: Riiiiiiiight…I suppose I see your point. Seeding issues are prone to arise. As soon as we put the bracket out there, I got all kinds of feedback from people telling me how bogus some of those seeds were. It’s just one of those things. We used a scientific method of eeny meeny miny mo to come up with our seedings. And you can’t argue with God.
Dr. Mann: Well I’m not saying that the seedings were wrong at all but there were a few that just seemed a little off. However, that is how you make drama and excitement. Speaking of drama and excitement, during my research I noticed that on the Okayplayer boards, some people were stating that the women you had weren’t black enough, etc. When you read stuff like that, what do you think of that? Not to turn the interview around or anything…
Panama: Oh it’s alright. My first inclination was to laugh mostly because of the numerous women we have of varying skintone on our list. For fuck’s sake, black women come in all colors. And since we also include some Latina women in this, I mean, some people really need to get over themselves. Oh, they can also kiss my ass. We tried to find women that we found appealing and put them before the masses. We did that. We’re cool with our product so in the immortal words of Bernie Mac, “fuck ‘em”.
Dr. Mann: Indeed.
Panama: So… *flipping through some papers*…let’s look at some of these brackets. In your opinion, which of these brackets is the most loaded?
Dr. Mann: I’d have to say the Janet Jackson bracket. Look at the talent you have in there. Any number of those women could make it to the Final Four if seeded properly. Then look at the early matchup between Kerry Washington and Sanaa Lathan. That’s just crazy.
Panama: Yeah, I see here that on Friday, Kerry had a 2 vote lead, but today, Sanaa has overtaken her by 2 votes. That is by far the closest race.
Dr. Mann: It’s really quite intriguing to watch them battle it out. They both could go far but whoever loses probably deserves to go far as well. I suppose it just “be’s like that sometimes.” I stole that from a rapper.
Panama: Yes, and you should stop it now. What do you think about the Kenya Moore bracket?
Dr. Mann: Good question. I don’t know how I feel about this one. Logic would tell me that Nona Gaye should take this bracket, especially since it’s mostly a female voter turnout, but good gracious, Lizz Robbins has a body out of this world. Not the cutest thing, but a great body. And I have another question…how in the HELL did Teedra Moses get in there? I don’t usually question you all’s judgement, but last year it was Jacque Reed and this year it’s Teedra Moses. Do you two just sit back and say, you know who nobody’s ever considered…and then pick some random woman?
Panama: If I tell you, I might have to kill you. I’ll have you know though, it was between her and the lady from the Pine Sol commercials with the super big breasts. You know…the tubby one. We went with Teedra. And the Halle Berry bracket?
Dr. Mann: Stacey Dash should walk away with this one going away. There’s just no other real competition for her in this bracket. I will say that Stacey versus potentially Rosario Dawson in the Sweet 16 is just tragic. Once again, that cookie crumbling is a bitch. And I see you all tried your damndest to get YaYa some more shine again. Sad to say young buck, nobody cares about her. Plus she was acting like a stank ho in that Chingy video.
Panama: But it’s just a video…I mean…
Dr. Mann: It doesn’t matter. Think about this. If Alicia Keys, who is pretty and all, but just as talented as anybody else gets all this credit for playing the piano which to my knowledge isn’t on display on but maybe two of the songs in her entire catalog, then why wouldn’t YaYa lose points for acting like the stank ho we all think she is? It’s psychology, son. We place all kinds of intangible nonsense to these people’s attractiveness. It’s not like Ciara can sing, but her dancing has convinced some 12 year old’s across the nation that Ciara is a better singer than Mariah Carey. Oh yes, I hate Jazze Pha.
Panama: I suppose. And me too. Alright, the last bracket, the Nia Long. Any thoughts?
Dr. Mann: This is also a loaded bracket. You already have a tough one in the Christina versus Gabrielle competition. Poor Christina but I just don’t think she’s gonna ever go very far. You could put her at a 1 seed and face her off agains the female Gremlin and I believe the Gremlin would at least make it interesting. People just don’t like her for some reason. I’ll tell you though, from the looks thus far, that Zoe Saldana versus Paula Patton potential matchup could get really ugly. Have you SEEN Paula Patton in the Denzel movie trailer? Good got damn. And Zoe is just fine. It’s going to be sad to see either of them go. The bottom half of that bracket is just too crazy as a whole. Amerie and Tyra? I mean, who do you pick there? In fact, I ‘ve changed my mind, THIS is the most loaded bracket just for the potential Sweet 16 matchups. Nothing but women I’d like spread butter over.
Panama: Dr. Mann, could we please refrain from sexually charged statements. This is a family show, fucker.
Dr. Mann: I’m sorry. I’m just saying though, have you seen Tyra’s breasts? They look like two basketballs just sitting up there. I’d just like to watch her run.
Panama: Dammit Doc…sheesh…I see you need to go handle your business, so before you go, who do you think will take it all?
Dr. Mann: Well, I think the Beyonce haters will keep her out. Hell, if Gabrielle makes it she’ll probably lose to her in the Final 4. I think Stacey has the easiest road, and if she makes it to the championship round, then I think Stacey Dash will win the whole thing, but if she doesn’t, then the sheer volume of women voters just might propel Nona Gaye. But my final precition is Stacey Dash versus Beyonce with Stacey winning. It was written.
Panama: Well, thanks Dr. Mann for coming through and sharing. As usual, your insights are welcomed. You all have a great day and remember to vote or die…though we’d prefer that you voted. And tune in tomorrow as the Sweet 16 begins its heyday both here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises and over at The Champ’s site (though The Champ lost to the Atlanta Falcons yesterday).
