Vote or Die! ~ P. Diddy

Don’t call it a comeback…the so smooth soul brotha’s Panama Muhfuckin’ (the self-proclaimed sexxiest man alive and notorious self-linker, bitches) and The Champ of The Royal Youngs have been here for years.

Shaq told you bitches best, but you can’t stop the reign. You can’t. Go on ahead and try.

*waiting*

See?

Our reign is so thorough that we decided to bring back the tournament to end all tournaments. The one of a kind October Madness Tournament where we put ignorance and exploitation front and center for the masses. And what is October Madness you ask??

October Madness is the tournament where we line up 32 beautiful, bodacious, melanin-packing babes and determine democratically…who is indeed the Most Beautiful Brown Bombshell of 2006.

It’s how George Bush would want it. Kanye said that Bush doesn’t care about Black people. I’ll bet tha tif you put all the ass that Kenya Moore is packing in front of his face, well, I’d be willing to bet that he’d care. He’d reach out and touch someone. And much like AT&T or Cingular, or whatever the fuck cellphone company is finna be referenced, that is what we’re doing over the next few weeks both here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises and The Royal Youngs….

…we are providing a means for the community to reach out to its people. Without one another, we have nothing. It is with this benevolent spirit that we bring to you the opportunity to look at a women’s assets with little regard to whether or not she can actually read, and help us determine who indeed is the most banging brown skinned lady.

Word to Black Star.

I see a few of you, mostly women, out there wondering why on Earth would we craft such a tournament that does what “the man” and rap music has been doing to our women for years: exploiting them?

Because we can.

Thank you. Now let’s get to the tournament shall we? Yes, let’s.

The Champ and I have quite scientifically arrived at a list of 32 women for your visual delight…and yes, that goes for both men and women. Ladies, I know you be checking out the ladies. I know you watch them womenses shake their money maker like their doing it for paper. After coming up with our list, we algebraically seeded them, NCAA March Madness tournament style to provide you with a bracket that you can photocopy and share with your friends.

Hell, start an office pool.

Wait, you think I’m joking about creating brackets?? Oh, it’s so not a game. Please, go here:

2006 October Madness Tournament Bracket Download file

Still think its a game?

Now, for those that follow the NCAA March Madness tourney, you’d know that there are usually four regional brackets. Well, us two GQ smooth brothas are too cool for geographical regions. No. We’ve broken down our tournament into 4 brackets of equal quality: the Kenya Moore bracket, the Halle Berry bracket, the Janet Jackson bracket, and the Nia Long bracket. These brackets were especially chosen to pay homage to the modern women who have caused many a man to give standing ovations during even the shittiest of movies.

Trois, anyone?

I, Panama Dontavious Jackson, will be handing the ladies (I wish) of the Janet Jackson and Nia Long brackets, and The Champ will be wrangling the women of the Kenya Moore and Halle Berry brackets. And we’d like to give special attention to Kenya Moore, the winner of the inaugural, First Annual October Madness tournament.

All hail the reigning queen.

For the record, there’s rules to this shit. Please go to The Champs site to see the rules we tried to follow for picking the women we chose to ogle…I mean, honor.

What we ask of you is that you decide who you think should move onto the next round out of the two ladies who are going head to head (snicker!), and place the results in the comments section. And since we know some of you just might have difficulty with your picks, the experts, The Champ and Panama (that’s me bitch) have posted our picks and predictions to add a little spice. We’ll see how good we are at doing this shit.

So, without further ado, I present to you:

THE JANET JACKSON BRACKET

To Janet Jackson, who despite dating the most talented midget in music history, could get it anytime (bum bum), any place…and no, I don’t care who’s around. Woosah, bitches. Woosah.

(1) Beyonce vs. (8) Lisa Raye

Panama’s Take on Beyonce: Face it ladies, she looks better than 98 percent of you. She even looked fine in The Fighting Temptation, and she spent the whole movie fighting with her horrible weave. She steals the show every where she goes with that smile that says “there’s nothing more behind my looks”. And do you know what? I’m totally okay with that. She even knows how to just stand sexxy. In fact, have you ever wanted to ride a horse through the pale moonlight while dancing with wolves after the hurricane while being a menace to South Central AND trying to find Nemo at the same time? No? Well you should…because that’s how fine Beyonce is. If you don’t make me want to do that, you ain’t that fine. Join a sorority, step ya game up!

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: Her name rhymes with “fiancee” and she has a cat named Master P. How fun!

Panama’s Take on Lisa Raye: You know, for the longest time I didn’t really appreciate Lisa Raye and all of her fineness. Sucks for me, because apparently the dictator/rule/some such fucker of Turks and Caicos saw what I was sleeping on and scooped her up. All of that ass, at his disposal. Hell, she’s the only reason I even watch UPN/CW Network nowadays, just so I can watch her walk around on All of Us. Lord knows its a dumb ass show. She kind of has that thick stallion thing going on that is a few biscuits away from being a St. Bernard. But while she has it, she has it, and I’d do anything to have been an extra on the set of Player’s Club. Word life.

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: She attended Eastern Illinois University (not sure if she graduated) and participated in the “Kappa Sweetheart Ball”. No word on whether or not she was a Sweetheart or her ass just showed up, which could be the same shit that happened with her “education” at Eastern Illinois University. Get ya learn on!

Panama’s Pick: Beyonce (dude it’s Beyonce)
Panama’s Prediction: Beyonce (though Beyonce tends to draw out the haters…we shall see)
The Champs Pick: Beyonce
The Champs Prediction: Beyonce

(3) Dania Ramirez vs. (6) Toccara

Panama’s Take on Dania Ramirez: You know, some women have all the curves and all of the badunkadunk of Ki-Toy, then there are others who have minimal curves (but still have them) but they just emanate “gotdamn”. That is Dania Ramirez. Hell, I’ve watched the movie Fat Albert well over 100 times just because she’s in it and looks so fine. Not to mention that assfest that was She Hate Me! Terrible movie be damned but she’s fine enough to make me sit through asanine plotlines and ridiculous cinematic license (I mean, it is Spike Lee and shit). PLUS, she had a scene in The Sopranos where she was screwing some Italian kid and she had the sweaty back thing going. I think I fell in love on that day. In fact, she’s so fine to me, that I’d go to Church’s, just to buy some biscuits, so I could sop her up with them. And there ain’t no Church’s Chicken in Washington, DC!!!

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: She graduated from Montclair State University. Umm…yeah, that’s about all I could find on her. As you can see her life is an open book.

Panama’s Take On Toccara Jones: Wow. You know, I’m a skinny fellow. Usually I tend to be afraid of women who’s right breast might weigh more than me. But you know what, Toccara is fine, banging like shit. All that woman. And you know, one day, it’s not gonna be so pretty, but right now its gorgeous. She’s like a rose tattoo on a young (legal) woman who has uber big breasts. One day, that rose is gonna be on a long ass vine, but dammit, for the interim, it makes you want to smell the roses…literally. Plus, you know she can cook and that ALWAYS makes women look better!

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: She’s from Dayton and loves spaghetti. I love Lasagna and my grandfather lives in Cleveland. We have so much in common.

Panama’s Pick: Dania Ramirez (I think I’ve really developed feeelings for her)
Panama’s Prediction: Toccara ( I mean she has better pictures and everything, plus I see the big girl love coming out)
The Champs Pick: Dania Ramirez
The Champs Prediction: Toccara

(4) Kerry Washington vs. (5) Sanaa Lathan

Panama’s Take on Kerry Washington: This young lady has definitely seen her star rise over the past few years. From getting her back bent over backwards in She Hate Me to being the purdy little Bee in Ray!, Kerry Washington has just beomce one of the sexxiest Black women in Hollywood. I mean where else will you find a woman with a stange mouth configuration that still manages to exude straight-mouth attractiveness? Really, where? Plus she got some major woman-on-woman action going on with Dania Ramirez (my Latina Queen). Anytime two hot women get it on together on the silver screen for $9.50 a pop (no pun intended), well, it makes her alright with me. Plus seeing her in lingerie made me rather randy, which you’ll understand is extremely difficult for me since my name is Panama. Go figure that shit out.

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: Her daddy sells real estate. But get this, she actually graduted from the George Washington University in Washington, DC in 1998. FUCK…I was like 3 years too late!!! Oh wait, that ain’t trivia, that’s just a gotdamn shame.

Panama’s Take on Sanaa Lathan: Aww, the girl next door. I used to have a “girl next door”. I used to sneak into her home in 11th and 12th grade and help her with “homework”. That’s what I love about the “good” girls. They’re all liars who really like to get down in all kinds of random places at random times. And they’re usually screamers. I think Sanaa is a screamer. That makes her finer. Sure she isn’t the finest woman I’ve ever seen, but I’ll bet that you wouldn’t pass her up at an HBCU (historically black college or university)…and that should be the ultimate test for fineness, would she be passed up on an HBCU campus (cuz we all know “fine” at a predominantly white school is relative concept…and you can disagree, but you will be wrong)? My guess is no…plus, I’d hit like the white boy in Something New who was straigh taggin’ that ass. Graffiti style.

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: Umm, her daddy runs shit, like for real. Perhaps you’ve heard of him: Stan Lathan? And she grew up in Beverly Hills. I wonder if she grew up in the rough part. You know, the part with only ONE tennis court as opposed to two. I just said tutu.

Panama’s Pick: Kerry Washington
Panama’s Prediction: Sanaa Lathan (she has a following, and common sense is often damned)
The Champs Pick: Sanaa Lathan
The Champs Prediction: Sanaa Lathan

(2) Lauren London vs. (7) Keshia Knight-Pulliam

Panama’s Take On Lauren London: Seemingly coming from nowhere when Pharrell’s video for “Frontin’” came out, she’s overtaken the hearts and wet dreams of 15 year old boys everywhere. Sure she’s grown, but she played a gum-chewing faux-ghetto chick in the hit movie ATL (and yes I’m calling it a hit because I’m biased). She’s got that cute girl devious look that drives all the fellas crazy, right? Word to Big Bird, right?? Eh, whatever, she’s hot and she could get it every kind of which a way, which a way, which a way, every kind of which a way. Hey, am I the only one who absofuckinlutely hated her accent in the movie ATL? I wanted her to drop dead unti l I realized that wasn’t how she really talked. Sigh of relief, bitches. Sigh of relief. But you see the pictures and you’ve seen the movie (well, if you’re Black and have any kind of connection to Atlanta-Westside MLK beeyotch) and you know her body of work…heh heh heh, that’s kind of a pun. Fuck it, she’s just fine!

(Quick side note: The other chick in the “Frontin’” video, Lanisha Cole, the dark-skinned one with the ridiculously gorgeous smile-she was also in the “Maybe” video- could SO be my baby mama. Like no lie. Drink milk.)

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: Apparently she’s a half-breed. I didn’t know (or realize) that. She was also homeschooled to focus on her acting career and audition. Just think, her momma kept her out of school so she could focus on her acting career and she got her big break as a video ho. Okay that was harsh, she was the main video girl and shit, but still, methinks she could have gone to regular school.

Panama’s Take on Keshia Knight-Pulliam: It’s strange for me to write this one up, mostly because, well, I went to school with Keshia and have had an actual conversation with her before. Hell, we had some classes together. However, I still have a job to do. And let me tell you, she’s bad. The girl is bad in person. She has a great smile and has a nice little body on her. Plus, who wouldn’t like to say they messed with Rudy from The Cosby Show??? A lot of us grew up with her and wanted to get in her bloomers as we all progressed through life and puberty. Well now, she’s putting her bloomers on display for the world in some often circulating pictures on the Internet. Yo, do you realize that even Raven Simone has some rather provocative pictures on the Net too? Them damn Cosby kids boy…lies, all lies, lest we forget about the little Lisa Bonet (girl you so fine) incident. Either way, Keshia is bangin like two Africans playing some kettle drums at a firing range.

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: Graduated from Spelman College in 2001 with a degree in sociology. What a good school. She also won the celebrity edition of The Weakest Link…not sure if that makes her the weakest link or not, I suppose I should have actually watched the show.

Panama’s Pick: Lauren London
Panama’s Prediction: Lauren London (though I think lil Rudy might pull this out just for curiousity’s sake)
The Champs Pick: Lauren London
The Champs Prediction: Keshia Knight-Pulliam

Make sure you place your picks in the comments section and come back on Friday as we will continue with Round 1 of October Madness 2006 here and at The Champ’s site as we unveil and discuss the Halle Berry bracket and the Nia Long bracket.

And remember, ladies and gentlemen, it’s not a game, it’s a tournament!!!

[Just so you know, if your comment with your picks doesn't show up right away, my comments act funny from time to time and must be approved by me. Fret not, all of your comments will be approved during the day. Your vote counts! This ain't Florida. Vote or die! And make sure that once you vote here, you trudge on over to The Champ's site to place your votes there as well! ]