Hi, my name is Panama.

You know, Noriega. The real Noriega. But he don’t owe me any favors.

You might remember me from such informercials and educational tools as Panama “Mr. Oh So Sexxy” Jackson’s Guide to Obtaining Your Second “X” (The Guide to Being Sexxy) and How To Become Unattractive in 10 Minutes Or Less.

And before we go any further, we will take a quick commercial break to hear a cautionary word from our sponsors, Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises.

*white noise*

*unwhite noise…I guess we’d call this rap music…oh, wait…that’s right…nevermind*

We here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises would like to go on record as stating that there is some misinformation being placed into the atmosphere and clubs worldwide. The culprits probably don’t know that they are in direct violation of the G-Code (whoadie) but they are. So, we’d just like to get the books straight so we don’t have to hang Bird of the Midnight Falcons out of anymore windows. Justin Timberlake and Timbaland are not bringing sexxy back.

I repeat, they are not bringing sexxy back. Panama Jackson never let it go in the first place.

Thank you.

I slay me. I really do.

*chuckle*

Back to the lecture at hand.

Today I’d like to drop a gem on ‘em. A jewel, if you will. A bunch of jewels. She said she wanted diamonds, I took her to Ruby Tuesdays. I assume that quite a few of you out there are club goers and probably have some innate level of cool about you. Which means that at some point, you just might throw a party yourself, in a box, or with a fox; in a house, or with a mouse (word to Mickey); here or there, or perhaps, even anywhere.

Perhaps you even like green eggs and ham. However, I do not, like them…just call me Pan-ama.

Okay, that indeed was dumb.

So say you want to throw a party and you’re scrambling like crazy to come up with the perfect playlist and the proper placement for each and every song.

True story: I went to a wedding in Miami in July and the bride and groom asked me to put together a playlist for the BBQ/Picnic they were having. I both love and hate those tasks. I love them because I love putting these things together but I hate them because I know how much time I’m going to spend on these things. I will lose days. And I did. Do you know I pieced together a good 6 hours of music, song by song, deliberately, and they didn’t even use it. Somebody forgot to bring the stereo. The moral of the story? Wear shower shoes in college dorms.

Well, I’m here to give you a heads up on 5 sure shot songs that you can NEVER EVER go wrong with. In fact, your party just might not be a party if these 5 songs don’t get played. They are club bangers that work everywhere. And why am I doing this? It’s because I love and care about you. I do this for my culture, ya know and this is so gangsta…that for real…

…after this flow you might owe me a favor.

Top shelf, Patron level information I’m providing here for those who have been previously unprovided for.

Just call me welfare.

Club bangers, ninja. That’s what I want.

You know, I see a few confused souls out there who are like…”dude, what is a club banger?”

Glad you asked; it gives me a reason to do a definition.

Club banger. noun. from the Latin for clubbus bangerustosticus. Or the Roman (Georgia) for webeclubbineyayeyay. 1) a song that will cause every one within earshot to go into momentary paralysis as they realize (and often times proclaim) “that’s my song (or shit)” and begin to gyrate in gyratious gyratastics. 2) songs that DJ keeps in arsenal for when the people aren’t seeming so into the mix he’s playing. 3) songs that inevitably require everybody to smile and like eachother for at least 1 minute as people search out individuals to dance with.

Now that we’ve gotten the definition out of the way, let us discuss the demographics we’re targeting here. You can’t just break out these club bangers and expect the Jibbs crowd to get it. In fact, if you listen to Jibbs, you should just go shoot yourself right now. Demographically speaking, we’re dealing with the 23 and up set, with at least a sizable amount of African-Americans as we all know that in clubs, when Black people start dancing, white people start watching and will begin to mimic what you’re doing.

You know, I’ve actually seen some white folks outdance Black folks. And despite the fact that I’m playing into the stereotypes of ninjas and their dancing, truth is truth. That was a sad sad day in Black America. What next…tall Chinese basketball players?? Get out of here…

Hey, are you ready?

Like ready ready?

By the way…what I’m doing? Gettin’ money? What we doin’? Gettin’ money? Stuntin’ like my daddy. Stuntin’ like my daddy.

I just felt like sharing…and we all know…*class?* Sharing is caring!

5 SONGS THAT ARE GUARANTEED TO GET YOUR PARTY STARTED RIGHT, GET YOUR PARTY STARTED QUICKLY…RIGHT?

And by the way, you should NEVER play C+C Music Factory UNLESS there are 8 white people per 1 Black person. In which case we would call that corporate America. Or a country club. Either way, don’t do it.

1. BBD - “Poison“

Good googly moogly (that thang is juicy). I wonder if they knew the monster they had on their hands when they created this song. Going strong for at least 16 years now, this song is guaranteed to get any crowd off their asses. For one, the drumbreak introduction is one of the most famous you’ll ever hear. Everybody knows it. In fact, if you know somebody who has never heard of this song and couldn’t identify it from it’s introduction…you should stop hanging with them. They might get you killed. Seriously.

Why is this song a club banger? Well, for one, it warms you up all on its own and lets you pretend you’re about to turn this mother out. “You ready…Ron? I’m ready Slick…are you?…*drumbreak*…Girl I must warrrrrrrn youuuuuu…”

It allows you to relive your days as an aspiring dancer and is always a good time to showcase any moves you actually remember from the early 90s. Basically, you do NOT want to see me when this song comes on. Son, I’m taking you OUT!!!!

Listen very carefully though, it’s important to know when to play this song. You can’t play it too early. This is the type of song you play when the crowd has filled in nicely and folks are kind of in that ready-to-party-but-waiting-for-their-jam mode. Once you throw this on, you are required to keep the party moving.

Lucky for you I’ve got four more songs guaranteed to do just that. Allons y.

2. Prince - “Kiss”

Another song with an instantly recognizable intro. You know what makes this song great? I’ll tell you what makes this song great. It allows folks to be really playful with any person of the opposite sex in their purview. It is also a great song to snag the guy/gal you’ve been eyeing and using this song as the icebreaker. Of course it requires one to have the balls enough to go request a dance but hey…that’s not my talk show. I’ve always loved this song because it speaks right to my heart. For one, I’m not rich. I mean I’m cool…but shit, nowhere NEAR as cool as Prince…and he’s right…ain’t no particular time…aw fuck it…you’re only there because you really want their…emm…kiss.

In fact, there is no reason NOT to get up and dance with this song playing. If you are out with a bunch of chicks who sit when this song is on then they have issues beyond repair (or have no legs) or they have jealous boyfriends at home. And since we all know that most men suck and will stand and watch women dance anyway, I put the honus on women to put out some pheromones to let the men pick up the slack.

Aside: None of these songs should be played before there is a sizable crowd in the venue. Further, this song (”Kiss”) should not be played until you have a sizable number of women dancing but not really getting it as they wait for the men to make their moves.

Another Aside: I absofuckin’lutely HATE the Cha-Cha Slide but for some reason its a popular dance song. However it has its place (weddings, bat mitzvahs, circumcisions,etc). That place is not at a club dammit. If you play the Cha-Cha Slide I will want to cut you with a rusty barnacle and a Bette Midler Special Edition DVD of Beaches (though I really like that movie).

3. Maze featuring Frankie Beverly - “Before I Let Go“

Also known as the Black National Anthem. And you can take that “Lift Every Voice And Sing” mambo jambo elsewhere. Hell, how many of you actually KNOW the second and third verse of “Lift Every Voice”? Hell…how many of you didn’t even know, until just now, that there was more than one verse?? But who DOESN’T know the words to “Before I Let Go”?

Mmhmm.

This song never has a wrong time to be played. People of all ages know and love this song…except people who limit their music choices to BET’s 106 & Park. This feelgood song will get everybody participating. Even the dudes holding up the wall might begin to sway and move into the center of the room on this one. Infectious, engaging, and just downright fun…PLUS…it’s another song you can use to holler at somebody in a playful and unaggressive manner. You get to hand-dance and everything and sing to them, “Before I let you gooooooooooooooooooooo-oooo-ooooo-oooo…I’ll never never never never” Well you get the point.

And if you don’t? The Drop Squad is coming for you. Your Blackness is in question.

Dude, there REALLY was a bunch of white kids from Long Island who called themselves Young Black Teenagers and ran that whole, Black is a state of mind spiel. I still laugh at that. Somehow I bet they’re all successful right now.

4. Luke - “Scarred“

You must be very careful when you pull this song out. For one, you are about to send your party to DefCon 3. The gazillion beats per minute will have everybody moving. Anybody who isn’t moving…is a cop.

The right time to throw this song on is right when you see your partygoers on the edge. They’re really dancing and having a good time but they need that extra zing to push them over. But be careful…once you go here, there’s no turning back. You might have to officially turn your party into a sweatbox. Ya know, this is one song where I’ve actually seen people lose their damn minds over. Which is a good thing. I’m a Southern cat. When this comes on, I’m putting in work and if you’re a female within 6 inches of me…you will be putting in work as well. This is the part of the party where folks forget that they’re trying to keep up appearances. Only a few songs render people helpless to their club self-image, but anybody who cares so much about how they look when this song comes on that they refuse to really move either 1) can’t dance for shit, or 2) is a bad person.

Hands down.

Actually, throw your hands up!

And last but not least…one of the most famous songs that will ALWAYS get your party going…

5. E.U. - “Da Butt“

Lisa got a big ole butt…oh yeah!!

This song never gets old and everybody can participate. And should participate. Much like “Scarred”, many a person will just say to hell with it and get down with the get down. As well they should. The go-go song that will live on forever in the hearts and minds of lads and lasses everywhere.

“Gimme dat butt”. You know…that’s kind of suggestive, no?

I really don’t even know what to say about this one aside from no party is complete unless this song has been played. It’s like a mall with no Gap…it’s incomplete like a Sisqo song written by Montell Jordan. It’s lacking like Paris Hilton’s clothing. It sucks like Jenna Jameson. It blows like pops.

And besides…what other song do you know specifically requests gratuitous ass wrangling. Fellas, if she doesn’t want you wrangling her ass, she wouldn’t dance with you.

You betta know dat.

These are but a smattering of songs that will get a party going, but I’d contend that these just may be the top 5 club bangers that will guarantee that the patrons of your party participate proactively on the parquet.

Go, run with the wolves and use this information wisely. Heed the words of one wise, Stanley Burrell, and…

…turn this motha out.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 12th, 2006 at 9:44 am and is filed under Musicology, Panama Makes The Music. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.