The Dating Musical Chair
[***DISCLAIMER: This post might offend some of you single, well-to-do, upwardly mobile, black women out there who complain about the lack of equally yokeded black men in the population. I just figured I'd let you know upfront and ahead of time. And in case you want to spit venom my way, find your way over to www.idontgiveas***.com ***]
On Sunday, the Washington Post ran an article entitled “Singled Out: In Seeking a Mate, Men and Women Find Delicate Imbalance”. It’s a good article about a young 31 year old woman who has been trying to find a suitable black man to date in the Washington area and the sometimes trials and tribulations that go along with that task. You see, in DC (and surely in every other city across this vast nation of ours), a black woman is at a disadvantage when it comes to finding a black man who is on her “level” to date and eventually marry.
For shame.
In fact, the article points out some very disturbing statistics. Take a gander:
“…31-year-old black woman seeking to marry a black man, which lands her in the heart of the most uncoupled demographic in the United States. For every 100 single black women, there are 70 single black men, according to recent U.S. Census Bureau figures, a number that does not take into account the prison population or men living in group homes. In the Washington area, there are 83 single black men for every 100 single black women.”
Egads! As the article states, it would seem like a dating smorgasboard for me in Washington, DC.
And I suppose that on paper, that would be the case. Hell, I’m a single, educated, sexxy (back), Black man in DC. Technically speaking, I should be tired as hell from all of the women running amok looking for a man. Oh, AND, I’d like to get married (well, for this week anyway).
But there are a few things this article fails to mention. Aside from the obvious fact that there are just more women, especially Black women graduating and getting those well-paying jobs, etc….there is one little facet of human nature that all of these articles totally gloss over.
Let me lay something on the table for you, upfront: women are better people than men are. I will always believe that. I get proof of this fact on damn near a daily basis. I know lots of great men, but I know loads of great women. I see the evil that men do and the Hell that a lot of us put women through.
[***DISCLAIMER #2: This is not to say that women aren't full of shit evil bastards, either. Let's be real, just because it seems that more men are on that non-sense, there are tons of chicks who aren't shit and believe that the crap they do isn't really that problematic either. I just wanted to go on record with that one. Plus, when women decide to be evil, I think they tend to trump anything a dude can think of...youbettaknowdat. ***]
The point to be made about women being better people than men is this: men are more shallow.
Hi, my name is Panama, and I am a shallow fucker. It’s true.
Oh yeah, it’s true.
Thing is, I’m not apologetic about it either. For one, I’m not old enough to not be shallow, and b) I don’t think being shallow is a problem.
Which is where a lot of these problems come in. Allow me to make one significantly fucked up statement that I might actually dispell before I’m done writing this:
All of these single women running around here complaining about not being able to find a man aren’t exactly hot.
As in, a lot of them are unfine.
Being a shallow man, I can attest to this fact.
[***DISCLAIMER #3: Yes, I know that a lot of the women running around single are indeed fine. In fact, I'm often surprised by some of the women I come across who are manless. Which leads me to believe that some women are just as picky as they claim we are. Sure it might not be in looks, but it for damn sure is picky in other areas, like the ability to read. I hear that's a big one. ***]
Let’s be honest here. Just because there is a single man and a single woman out there who have the same levels of education, etc. Fuck it, just because you have two ninjas who are equally yoked does not mean that there should be a connection made. Ideally, it would be nice.
Unfortunately God gifted the majority of us with the ability to see. Sometimes that is a detriment to the dating process. Being the shallow bastard that I am, I’m well aware that there are some women out there who would make great girlfriends, hell, even wives…but I saw them first, which precluded me ever actually wanting to find out anything about them.
Sheesh. In all honestly, how many Hell points do you think I could get for that last paragraph alone?
My guess is beaucoup.
Plus if you throw in the chemistry factor, you’re looking at even less connectivity. We’re talking T-Mobile here…not Cingular.
I’ll use myself as an example. Since 2001, there have been three women in my life who have utterly captured my attention (they were all fine by the way…remember, I’m shallow, I refuse to fall in love with an ugly woman…and the Hell points keep coming). Interestingly, they all taught me things about myself. The first one taught me what I didn’t want in a woman, the second one taught me what I did want and showed me that there are some characteristics I just can’t deal with even if everything else is right, and the third one showed me that what I thought was impossible does actually exist…it just didn’t work out.
However, there have been a gazillion chicks in and around those women who for whatever reason just didn’t quite jive with what I wanted.
All fine. Tastefully nude, but all fine.
I always found it funny though, that nearly all of those women were ready to settle down and be with me for the long haul. Of course, this was my first experience with women really being worried about not finding a man seeing as they pretty much were willing to put up with some bullshit. Like, no lie. Did I take advantage of some of those situations, I suppose you could say that I did.
Then again, I’m also a believer that folks will only do to you what you let them do. Myself included.
My problem with these articles is that they totally leave everything to what the dating scene looks like on paper. And it isn’t only men who are tossing some of these women to the side. It goes both ways. Plus, when you add in the locations of some of these disparities, it adds a whole new layer of problems.
I mean, everybody knows that the further North you go, the more unattractive (on average) the women get.
*waiting on the WHAT THE FUCK? statements from unruly Northern women*
Yeah, I said it.
Despite the assholish nature I’ve displayed here, I do feel bad for women. The numbers don’t lie. There is a male shortage, and I can only date so many women.
That’s a joke.
I mean, 70 men for every 100 women means that no matter what happens, there are going to be some unmarried women out there. And that just doesn’t seem right. Mostly because it seems like the women with the most to offer usually end up being the odd ones out.
*hugs*
And when you throw in Black men dating white women, I suppose the number gets even smaller. That paints a very bleak picture. PLUS so many Black women really do want to marry Black men (as I want to marry a Black woman too), it just seems kind of sad.
On a side note, I’ve always found it funny how many Black women I know who have told me that they don’t know how they’d react to me dating a white woman…
…despite my mother being white.
Which is funny because I think my mother wants me to date a white woman. Or at least that’s how it feels when she tells me I need to be more “diverse” in my dating options. Of course, having a white mother but being raised by a Black woman in a Black household in Black surroundings tends to skew you one particular way…but still. I just don’t seem to get a fair shake on this one.
I do know that a lot of these articles fail to mention the attractiveness ratio that occurs (or doesn’t occur) with a lot of the women they tend to find. I mean, dude, a lot of us are still young enough to care what we’re bringing home. And if you’re like me, you have your own history to compete with. Though, I’m not actually sure I could date a woman who would be classified as a dime (10). I haven’t quite worked that one out in my head, but I think I prefer 8’s.
It seems that most 8’s tend to have come into their 8-dom over time and haven’t been fine forever, which means they don’t have the pretty-girl-for-life attitude that makes them damn near socially unfuckwitable. Basically, I like women who used to be ugly but turned pretty. They’re just more down to Earth.
Man, sometimes I amaze myself with the shit I say.
Chemistry and attractiveness are two facets of this dating demographic that always get left out and I think for our age group (25-34), they’re just as important as the ability to both know who the hell Yoyo Ma is. Besides, all of that culture shit is just what you use to impress the other party anyway. Yeah, it’s great that you’ve been to plays and all but how does that effect if we’re able to laugh at the same things? Or if I take you to my neighborhood you won’t freak the hell out because there are true to life crackheads chillin’ on the corner.
Sure, I’m glad you can read, but do you look good reading naked while we look like two peas in a pod?
Somehow, that simple question always gets left out of these articles.
October 10th, 2006 13:28
Did you know they have a link to your blog on the Post website?
October 10th, 2006 14:03
I have to agree. I don’t want to. Gosh, I don’t want to. Thus far, knock on wood, I’ve had no trouble finding men, getting dates, boyfriends, etc. But I’m not married because I’m a “picky b*tch”! No lie. Someone said that not to me but about me. Hee-hee.
I also would like to disagree with your statements about women putting up with any and everything for fear of being alone. But dammit I can’t. This one has gotten me stalked a couple times because dudes do not understand why I am quick to bounce at the second sign of shadey-crazy. Most women stick around and try to work things out because of their fear of being alone.
Further, how do you tell broads who complain about there not being good Black men that, well, men are shallow and you don’t really can’t even get noticed with what you’re working with?? You can’t. Or maybe you can cus I think you just did.
October 10th, 2006 14:22
why do you assume that the men they seek have to be aesthetically appealing? Do you know how many women forgive jacked up grills, receding hairlines, a few extra pounds on the mid-section, when there is a heart of gold there?
My point is, yea ok, fine the upward mobile successful black men understand their value on the singles market. You want to be picky and shallow because you can, and you don’t want think that is problematic..well maybe it’s not. At the same time, you are assigning numbers to chicks, while they are trying to go beneath your hot guy image to find a strong character. Why don’t dudes work on that inner game? Looks are going to fade, and when they do, what good is a number then?
October 10th, 2006 14:28
Get ready for it…the married black dude’s perspective:
wow, i really like bein’ able to distinguish myself from the bretheren. being that i’ve just become an esteemed pro on marital bliss, i say with a heavy heart that i agree with everything that killa said.
i love my wife fiercely, but when i met her, she was merely a bangin’ woman that i could brag to my boys about. sure, if you asked me one of those trite, ‘why do you love your wife’-type questions now, her actual beauty would probably be one of the last things to come to mind, for two reasons primarily: 1) it’s just way too much other ride or die stuff that’s she done over the years that takes precedent and 2) her looks aren’t novel anymore, so i dont really be thinkin’ about how pretty she is.
BUT, if she didn’t look the way she does, we wouldnt be where we are right now…is that immaturity or what’s just been engrained in men’s psyche from such an age that it becomes an essential life-governin’ platitude rather than an option?
October 10th, 2006 15:06
@Bulletproof Diva: I’d like to see where you’re coming from on this…okay, that’s a lie. You see, foregoing a jacked up grill, receding hairline, etc….sounds like a CHOICE to me. You decided to look for the wonder within and for me…I don’t give a damn about the wonder within if the outer shell looks like a poor man’s version of the ugly version of Whoopi Goldberg. Seriously…I can’t look at a woman and say, you know what, she looks like a frog, but I’ll bet she’s a great person on the inside.
Not gonna happen.
And further, I’m picky and shallow, not because I know my place in the singles market or that I’m at an advantage, I’m picky and single because I like pretty shiny things. And because I know myself. To hell with the stats. Even if this shit swung in the opposite direction and men vastly outnumbered women in the dating pool, I’d still be shallow as the fuck.
And who DOESN’T assign some type of measurement to the opposite sex? Sure, men use numbers, but women use something. Every women isn’t so benevolent as to give everyman a chance from break.
October 10th, 2006 15:15
hey listen, I don’t knock you for wanting pretty shiny things. I personally don’t seek out busted dudes to prove my non-shallowness.
but let me back it up and say, my comment was addressing your tirade/soliloquy about the women from the article overlooking the fact that they are 10s, which SHOULD explain why they haven’t met HUSBAND material..I just didn’t gleam that from the article, because I really didn’t weigh that as a reason - probably because I have seen women who selected to forgive looks because of how they were treated, these women usually don’t regret that decision.
what I take issue with is how the men who feel that they deserve the most beautiful SIMPLY because they can offer her security, and little else, making him a little more in a position to demand the best of the litter..aesthetically. All beautiful women aren’t wanting hot jackasses who hinge their love and admiration on her cup size, ass-to-wait ratio. Of COURSE women want to be desired by their man, but any woman worth her salt will also want a man that appreciates more.
October 10th, 2006 15:40
@BPD: Somehow you seem to be working in this strange realm where what men and women do are one and the same. Not sure where you hooked that little gem…but perhaps you should throw it back.
Thing is, I’m not saying that the women in the article haven’t met husbands because they aren’t fine…I didn’t say that at all. Well, not in the post I wrote anyway. I’m just saying that perhaps there’s more to it than what these articles discuss. They all paint these articles as women not finding these dudes because men all know they’re commodoties and shit. However…SOMEBODY is snagging these dudes, right?
Allow me to be an asshole for a second…well, longer than a second. If we are to believe (and I do) that there is this huge dating disparity then you know what…men SHOULD be out there only trying to get the pick of the litter. We should snag us only the best looking and then HOPE she’s a great person. To hell with forgiving shit I don’t want upfront. If she’s busted AND a bad person, I lost out twice.
And its funny as you seem to be assuming that most of us men don’t have much of shit else to offer aside from the benefit of being men in a world where women are struggling to find quality men to settle down with. Yes, I cop to being shallow, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have the world to offer a woman either.
October 10th, 2006 15:56
first off, you wrote in the above entry:
All of these single women running around here complaining about not being able to find a man aren’t exactly hot. As in, unfine.
if you have more to offer, your ass ain’t advertising the fact. It takes a great deal of maturity to recognize the fact that we all feel feel that we are the best and deserve the best, but measuring that criteria by the wrong thing is where we fu*k up <– the point of my original comment.
October 10th, 2006 16:06
My dearest Diva…
You know the main problem with your argument is that you seem to assume that the criteria for PICKING out a mate is some shit you can see upfront. The only thing we’re working with upfront is aesthetics, right? You know how you end up talking to a man with jacked up grill, etc? It’s because for whatever reason you allowed him to talk to you and he charmed you.
You weren’t actually interested in him in the first place…looks just became secondary when in truth, you are only happy in retrospect. You’re glad the man you met, despite his shortcomings (according to you) is a good man.
Basically, ninja, you all settle. Me…not so much. You date a man, and you’re happy about it…but you wouldn’t have talked to him in the first place if you were out doing the picking and choosing.
So if I end up with a banging woman who just so happens to be great on the inside…then did I choose the wrong criteria?? I think not…
…and further…kiss my ass for saying I don’t have shit to offer.
How’s that for an advertisement.
Thank you and goodnight.
(By the way people, I know her personally so it’s okay for me to tell her to kiss my ass…you should see the shit she says to me!!)
October 10th, 2006 16:08
Ummm, I think when yo mama says “diverse” maybe she means less like a paper towel, with more IQ points. Just a thought.
I got a prollem with the statistics and the maff. Of the 70 percentage points of single black mens, how many of them are straight? Hmm? And how many of them are monogomous? How many of those actually treat women decently? How about how many of them aren’t in jail? How many of them aren’t shallow? maybe you’re not baskin in a pool of women because we already know that your socalled 70% for our 100% ain’t worth shit in the first place, not because our pool isn’t quite pretty enough for your liking.
On the one hand I agree with you. I take a tour of the black female faces on my alma mater’s facebook network and well….it doesn’t look too bright. Sorry, it just doesn’t LOL. However, if our pool can be flawed, your pool can be flawed, and statistically speaking your pool is way more flawed then ours.
October 10th, 2006 16:12
so you want points for being shallow?
it’s not about settling, its growing the hell up and realizing that your outward appearance, as hot as it may be, is PART of who you are. I absolutely believe that if you married your hot wife, if she were to become disfigured you will still see her as the woman you love, no?
the same with the women who are with the un-fine (to general public) guys, they see their soul, their character, their hearts and in the process, who they are, i.e., the essence of their being, because who HE IS, doesn’t get reduced to how straight his teeth are.
oh, and I don’t kiss asshats’ asses, it’s redundant.
October 10th, 2006 16:15
@my homie my ace: Um..if you want to play that game…how many of the women involved even want a man? For the Washington DC area, I’m sure we could reduce that 100 number significantly. I ain’t saying that all the women are lesbians, but that shit is definitely in style ’round here.
AND…I’m not saying all the women are unfine. But it isn’t as if all the women running around here beauty pageant contestants, similar to not all the men being Taye Diggs/Boris/Brad Pitt (cuz some of you would totally snag him)/*insert your ideal man here*.
Plus you’re throwing in intangibles that go both ways. Treat women decently? Are you assumign that all of those women would treat men decently? Let’s be real, I know some fairly fugly women with jacked up attitudes. True it should be against the law but its not. Monogomous? Shit…I know women that cheat too. C’mon…that shit isn’t even fair game.
Oh…and you’re wrong and you know it.
October 10th, 2006 16:23
Diva, correct me if I’m wrong here, but doesn’t seeing somebody’s soul require you to get to a point where you are actually paying that much attention?
So you’re saying that, as a grown up, if i’m looking for a woman, I should decide that, you know, she really might look like the broad side of a barn, but she could have a pure heart.
The fuck??
True, if my fine woman ends up disfigured I’ll love her anyway…key word…LOVE. It means that love came into the picture making things like appearance secondary anyway. Yeah, you can’t stay fine forever, I’m aware. But shit, while we’re young enough for it to matter that’s what brings us together…a base level of attractiveness.
But you can keep that grown up shit. True, the older you get, and for the record this goes for men and women, the less you care about some things. However…I’m still young enough to care.
And that goes double for women. I understand why women settle but man that’s sad. I’d rather sit at home by myself playing Playstation than be forced to settle next to a woman who looks like the female Gremlin because I’m being grown up.
Fuck it…I’m with Michael Jackson on this one…call me Peter Pan.
October 10th, 2006 16:28
ass. I won’t ever expect you to be with an un-fine women, I know you have way more to offer than your looks, but like I said…Your entire post stemmed from the Washington Post article, and your shallow Hal ass honed in on their looks. So if you want to imply that un-fine women should marry shitty men because they should thank their maker a person with a penis looked her way, then you are an ass. People deserve to be loved and treated with respect if they do the same to others. ..and beauty is in the eye of the ..well you know the rest. *eyeroll*
October 10th, 2006 16:29
LOL….
I’m just sayin, if you REALLY wanna look at why the numbers SAY you should have more women and you DON’T, then it’s NOT because women have a significant amount of problems in our pool, particualrly our beauty pool. The numbers speak as a measurement of just how significantly fucked up ya’ll are, period. I don’t think being shallow makes up for all those percentage points.
Oh and I’m not wrong. I just have informed opinions, thanks. LOL.
October 10th, 2006 16:33
Thank you for all this fodder. I shall use this as a spin off for my post on Wednesday cus Gawd knows I’ve run out of shyt to write about.
Further, truth is, like P said, we can’t assume all of those 100 women are fine, attractive, dateable. Of those 100, let’s say 50 are attractive, 20 are fine, ok, 35 are fine, this is DC afterall. Of those 35 fine one, 20 are butt-crack-monkey-shyt crazy. So that only leave 15 of those 100. Those 15 women are probably being pursued by a lof of those 83 men.
October 10th, 2006 16:35
@BPD: I dont think the women in the article should be glad a man looked their way. But hell, there must be a reason why some of these ninjas are ending up alone for life…and apparently, they ain’t being picky!!!
@my homie: Naw, but it sure does feel great knowing I don’t have to wake up next to Jabberwocky if I don’t feel like it.
And you’re informed opinions make you a bad person!! LMAO!
October 10th, 2006 17:27
Do you notice that any time you write a post about relationships or about the way some one looks that you get a lot of comments?
I think people know if they are ugly or not. If every time you and your girls or guys go out and no one tries to talk to you EVER then you are not that attractive to the general public, maybe your mama, but not anybody else. So because most girls or guys no what they look like, they end up settling so they don’t have to be alone or to conform to the general perception that you should have a mate all the time. It is sad but true.
People really get in a tizzy over opinions about relationships. Panama hit it right on the nose. Woman seem to think that men and woman think alike when in all actuality they don’t. I think that once women realize and accept this fact then the dating pool will become less crazy and we can all just get along!
October 10th, 2006 17:29
I meant “know what they look like” not “no what they look like”, sorry.
October 10th, 2006 22:48
since the beginning of time, or, at least, since the first season of “maude”, women tradtionally seek status and security (two factors which suggest virility) while choosing a mate while men tradtionally look for youth and fertility. sure, there are a multitude of other factors involved, but generally those facts remain true, regardless of time, culture, or country. since thats true, we (men and women) are usually going to prioritize “differently”. theres a reason why a rich and powerful man could have his pick of the litter basically, yet most dudes i know wouldnt fuck oprah winfrey with courtney love’s dick. i dont see a problem with this, and i think once people realize that things are the way they are for a reason, then people will generally be much happier.
i guess all i’m saying is that theres a scientific basis for what panama is saying, and i agree.
*ummmm, panama, dog, the check’s in the mail, right?*
October 11th, 2006 09:46
@Kima: Amen.
@dyoung: Sure the check’s in the mail. You can check today as a matter of fact. Signed, sealed, and delivered.
October 11th, 2006 11:11
I used to be the type of dude who didn’t put much emphasis on looks when it came to a mate. I figured that looks only last so long. As long as you are a good person on the inside, we’ll be able to work things out.
Boy was I wrong.
The fact of the matter is that we all have issues. Every last one of us. And on top of that, we all generally attract people (romantically or platonically) who share some of the same values as we do. That’s to say that generally good souls tend to gravitate towards each other. So for the most part, if you are the type of guy who is generally perceptive, you will avoid the women who are blatantly the golddigger/user types. With all that in place, why shouldn’t you go for the most attractive people you can? One might see this as limiting yourself. Cutting out a less attractive woman who might be your soulmate.
Umm. So what.
We men are simple, simple creatures. We don’t want for much. For every less attractive soulmate (i.e. a person with which I share a connection that transcends time, meaning that our souls will be intertwined throughout eternity) we pass over, there is definitely a fine woman who is just marriage material. I guess I’ll just have to settle for just a lifetime of happiness with a hot wife and worry about the afterlife another time.
October 11th, 2006 13:44
Add into the mix guys who are shallow f**kers like you and Black women are just SOL. I pity you because you don’t yet realize that your f**ked up outlook on the world will be what makes you miss out on the 8-er, marriage material woman– she won’t want you.
October 11th, 2006 14:37
Dearest “truthhurts”…
Thanks for playing.
Thank you for your pity. I can sleep now. Truthfully, I dont need your pity. I’m good. I’m doing very well, in fact. I’m happy with me.
I find it funny that you think I have a fucked up outlook on the world for (I assume) being shallow and taking the world at face value at times. I didn’t set the rules in motion, I have merely taken what’s laid out in front of me and made an observation. Fuckin’ sue me.
Thing is, your pity is nothing more than wasted energy. So a particular 8-er, marriage material woman doesn’t want me, whoopty fuckin’ do…according the stats there’s more where she came from so I’ll be okay.
How’s that for being a shallow fucker?
October 11th, 2006 16:00
Even if one takes your views in this post at face value and it appears that you are an a$$hole…I have to thank you for being honest and even admitting that woman are better people then men:). With that being said, I wouldn’t take away from this that you were any kind of a$$. You were speaking reality, not what is ideal. Anyone who denies attraction or aesthetics as something you want in a mate is not being true or probably in a whole different game. Unfortunately, I am a female who must agree with you completely…(Ok, you were just a “bit” of an a$$ in your post, but for the most part, you were right:). And besides, what you think is fine, may not be to the next person…so that’s all relative.
One last thing, please don’t think that every educated, successful, proffessional woman is not fine, this is not true;)
October 11th, 2006 16:11
@angie: I can deal with being a bit of an ass. I like to consider it apart of my charm.
Or not.
However…I definitely don’t think that every educated, successful, professional woman is unfine. I happen to know quite a few superbad women who fit that description and I assume there are lots out there. I see you all…
October 11th, 2006 17:07
I heart Panama!
all my comments were meant to be “tizzy free”, just wanted to clarify that. *smile* Forgive me, I just like to debate!
October 11th, 2006 23:45
I think the article had an interesting point when they mentioned that women have degrees, etc, etc, and don’t take care of themselves but still expect men to be all over them just *because* of the degree. I think it was very telling that lots of men in the online discussion associated with the article referenced weight and appearance (barring the obviously ignorant complection comments) as things that turn them off. It’s not unreasonable to expect to be physically attracted to your mate, particularly at first. I am in a doctoral program, and a lot of the black women here (there’s not a lot to start with,lol) don’t put any care in their appearance. I don’t see where a man would pick someone who looks like a disaster because she has a nice resume, I wouldn’t want a man who didn’t take care of himself either. Appearance is what gets you in the door. Let’s be honest with ourselves and lay off the popeye’s. LOL.
October 12th, 2006 10:36
Don’t lay off the Popeye’s, just run a couple of miles after you eat it.
I wonder how many of the women here that disagree with Panama do so because they feel insecurity due to the fact that they think/know that they don’t fit the beauty standard that he alludes to.
And Panama, Dame. You guys are assholes.
October 12th, 2006 11:37
Yes, Jarrod Halsey, that is the case.
Usually woman who know that they don’t look good get all fired up about men wanting woman who do look good and who fit the general standard of beauty, even though beauty is in the eye of the beholder, there is still a general perceptionof who is pretty and who is not.
October 17th, 2006 19:45
Lisa, Toccara, Kerry, and Lauren