Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

…her name is Cocaine.”

That’s a shoutout to anybody and everybody who was in Atlanta in the early 90′s when a certain shitty rapper named Kilo (later changing his name to Kilo Ali) hit the scene with his first local hit of the same name, “Cocaine”.

I’ll admit, the song was hot. I just have a personal beef with Kilo. You see, he’s from the Westside of Atlanta, Bankhead Region, Bowen Homes projects to be exact. It’s long been known as one of the realest hoods in Atlanta. One way in, one way out. I have a pass. My family has a long standing history of residency in Bowen Homes. Basically, I actually know who the hell the ninja referred to as Black is.

Bowen Homes is also featured in Outkast’s “Bombs Over Baghdad” video when Dre is running through the projects with a throng of pint-sized potential criminals chasing him. There is also one killer fireworks display in there every 4th of July.

Anyway, long story short, Kilo shot my cousin. In the leg, mind you. My cousin lived after that, but I’ve hated Kilo since then. Mostly because it was over some chick. This was before Kilo was Rappin’ Ass Kilo, but still, that ninja shot my cousin.

Fucker.

I wonder if you can call it a tangent if it has nothing to do with what you intended to discuss, but you start off-topic. Like, it’s a tangent…but it’s not a tangent, ya know.

We shall call what I just did, cosine.

Math 101. Get educated, bitch!

I’m sure you’ve heard the stink about a popular new energy drink intended to rival the crack-inspired, feather-fronting drink, Red Bull. This new drink has a name unlike any other name, but it’s a name that carries appeal with people of all races being as in its normal context, its debated, disputed, hated and viewed in America as a motherfuckin’ drug (like you didn’t experiment).

Yes, the name of this newest energy drink is indeed, Cocaine.

I’m not making that up.

Like for real.

You over there in the pink Parka politicking to Portishead, you don’t believe me do you?

*shaking head*

Well, fine then, go on over here and check out the website at Drink Cocaine dot com.

Oy vey.

This might be the only time I do this, but I’d like everybody, regardless of racial or ethnic background, white, Black, Jewish, Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, atheist, etc. to repeat after me…and let’s make sure we do this one altogether, mmkay?

Ready?

Repeat after me: THAT IS SOME BLACK SHIT!

*crowd repeats in unison showing that we can come together for a common goal*

I’ve been trying to find pictures of the Board of Commisioners who came up with this idea. Despite my thinking that this was probably conceived of and executed by a group of young white people who weren’t afraid to push the envelope, they have inherently created in my mind, some Black shit.

Common sense be damned.

And it’s only some Black shit in the idea that I could see Pookie and Ray-Ray on the corner like, “yo, this Red Bull shit is that crack son!! (a notion I’ve shared on numerous occasions) Yo…what if…and I don’t think you gonna be feelin’ me Ray Ray…but for real…we should make this shit and and call it Cocaine….you know ninjas would be all over that shit!!”

See, that’s how all great ideas start. A simple conversation between two ninjas who are much smarter than you might realize.

According to the site, the name is merely a play on the effects that result from consuming the drink, which I suppose, are cocaine like in nature. I wouldn’t know. I’m like the two girls in Nas’ “Black Girl Lost” song:

“…not that white stuff…”

I treat cocaine like 7Up, I never have I never will.

I just want to know who greenlighted the idea to call it Cocaine and thought it was going to be okay. I mean, had they wanted to call it Crack…do you think they’d have gotten the greenlight?

Hell, I want to sit in on the conversation that occurred where the idea was thrown out there where somebody was like, “yo, you know what ain’t in the market place? Product names with illegal drug names. I’ve been floating this idea out there about new babypowder called PCP but for some reason that just isn’t quite catching on with the execs upstairs. But I’m telling you, its an untapped market!! Hey wait…I got one…cocaine makes people crazy and energetic and murderous and rapist, but overall energetic…we should call an ENERGY DRINK…COCAINE!!!!”

Hmm…I take it back, that is not some Black shit, that is indeed some white shit.

Actually, it’s kind of a cross section…it’s some bi-racial shit. Mixed feelings like a mulatto.

I’ll tell you one thing, you’ll NEVER catch me with a can of Cocaine in my hands. Shiiiit…do you know what the penalty is for having 300 grams of Cocaine on you?? Especially the way this janky ass justice system works. I’ll be minding my own business walking down the street, minding my own business, drinking my pre-cooked Crack, when the police jump-squad me and throw me in jail for possession with intent to distribute cocaine. Nevermind that its a damn drink.

I feel like that little fact would get lost in translation somewhere. Not much trust for the federal justice system have I.

My thing is…how come nobody’s come up with a legal product called Marijuana yet? In fact, they should start calling NyQuil, Marijuana. Same effects and I always wake up hungry. And it’s not addictive, but you sure feel better after takign a hit of NyQuil right?? Puts me right to sleep.

By the way, I’ve never smoked marijuana once in my life.

The more you know. *ding*

Since I have nothing else to say here, I’ll just say this:

Long live drugs.

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