[***Yeah, you know it's long.***]

So yesterday was totally tomorrow on Monday.

A ninja apologize. You know you’re doing something right when you get emails from people asking you where the second half of a story is.

So our story ended up with our heroes, Panama Muhfuckin’ and Frank White finally returning from a night out with a strange woman in a strange land eating strange pizza and going to our respective abodes for sleep at roughly 415am only to wake up at…

…drum roll please…

…8am.

For no good gotdamn reason at all. Actually, I woke up at 8 am and began watching The Fantastic Four. Frank Nitty (he got the keys to the city) woke up around 830am…because I had the damn TV on.

I’m going to do this half a little bit differently than I did the first half. Mostly because there has to be a more interesting way to tell you what happened at the wedding. In fact, I shall do it in my standard, Things I Learned manner…and boy did I learn some shit.

I only tell you how early we woke up because apparently after being drunk off of your ass, waking up and being fully cognizant after a cool 4 hours of sleep is not normal. Who knew? One of the hostesses said she didn’t know how we could get hammered the way we did and be up all early and shit raring to go.

Now if you read here for any given amount of time then you already know the answer, but apparently, she didnt know that I, Mr. Oh So Sexxy…

…am just damn sexxy like that.

Woosah, bitches. Woosah.

On to the actual wedding day and:

10 THINGS I LEARNED AT THE SHOW, THE AFTERPARTY, AND THE HOTEL

I’d like to go on record as saying that Jodeci’s song “Freak’n U” is their best song. You can disagree but you will be wrong.

1. Richmond, Virginia, suckin’ fucks (well now that didn’t quite work now did it?).

There was a planned informal breakfast planned for everybody in the wedding party scheduled for 12 noon for all of us to just come in and get something to eat quickly. It wasn’t required or anything. However, you see us ninjas were up early as the Dickens (which I can only assume means Charles…Barkley for Governor 2008). So we decided to traipse out of the hotel and find a McDonald’s. Only problem was that, despite being downtown, there was only one which was like a good damn 2 mile walk away. Oh well, we make the walk and stumble across a quaint little market off of Main Street. Hmm…that’s nice.

We find McDonald’s. Well this MUST be the only gotdamn McDonald’s in Richmond because there must have been 12 generations of Vito Corleone (makes no sense does it) in there. Further, the staff was backed up. Now let me ask you, when your job is customer service, and you have a packed house, what is the best possible thing you can do?

Go ahead…you can say it. Serve customers.

Yo, I was watching The Fighing Temptations last night, and when Cuba Gooding called Beyonce a ho (well Mary Magdalene and indirectly Beyonce “Bad Weave” Knowles) I fell the hell out. That part always gets me.

This McDonald’s said fuck it and just stopped taking orders. STOPPED TAKING ORDERS.

Richmond? Blows.

2. I learned that in every wedding, unforeseen circumstances provide a lot more comedy than one might think.

I really like weddings. I really like being in weddings because you get to look cool while everybody in the audience tries to figure out why you’re special. Well, being as this was a very traditional wedding and all that good shit, and there were 7 groomsmen and similarly 7 bridesmaids, we had a routine planned out for all of us walking up onto the stage/altar kind of deal.

The men were to escort the ladies down the aisle with a flower (assumingly a rose) behind our backs, and when we ascended the stairs, we were to take the bridesmaids hand, kiss it, and pull the flower from behind our backs and hand it to them as we both bust a Michael Jackson spin move into our respective slots standing up to watch our boy and girl get married.

Sounds simple enough right?

And it was until the wedding planners brought us whole damn floral arangements the size of basketballs to carry down the aisle. How about, NOBODY could get that big ass bouquet behind their backs. Seriously, you may not have seen this kind of comedy in your entire life. The jokes went flying left and right. Oh yeah…AND the flowers were a good 2 pounds apiece.

I will say this, my bridesmaid companion was a straight G with hers. We laid our execution down. Even had some jokes going down the aisle together. I’m telling you…if she wasn’t married with kids…then she’d be single.

Speaking of wedding planner gaffes, here’s a quick story. All of us groomsmen were standing outside trying to figure out what the fuck to do while we waited since nobody gave us any instructions. Well the wedding planner finally comes to us, and says, “I’m gonna need you all to…”

Then she looks left and walks off somewhere.

No. Shit.

Anybody need a wedding planner? She’ll be available for you when I get married.

3. Parenting is not an art…it should be a beatdown when necessary.

Let’s just say, there are some kids who need to be beat on sight regardless of whether or not the authorities may be called. This one particular little fucker who was in the wedding was the most disruptive, disrespectful kid on Earth. He wouldn’t listen to direction or his parents. He went where he wanted to when he wanted to and mouthed off on his parents. We were later told that his parents beat his ass all the time. I honestly don’t believe that. He does not get beat enough. At one point, his mother called his daddy to come back and tend to him…

…I saw no fear in his eyes. I’m 27 years old and I’m still afraid of my daddy. That little boy…said fuck you to all of us and his parents and pissed us all off.

As a heads up, any woman who has kids with me better realize that our children won’t be acting like that. Let’s just say, every groomsman has a healthy disdain for said fucker.

And his daddy dresses like a table.

4. ShowStopper is not just a Danity Kane song.

You know, I totally had a dream last night that Puffy owned a comedy club in DC and brought George Carlin in to headline and they both sucked. Yes, Puffy tried his hands at comedy. No more KFC for me before I go to sleep…those engineered chickens be making my mind act up.

I said before that there were some certified stunners in the wedding party. One of them was a bridesmaid. Good googly moogly is she hot. Anyway…what do they tell you NOT to do when standing up for a long time on a stage or some shit where you’re required to stand still?

Do not lock your knees.

And do you know why you shouldn’t do that?

Because in the middle of a wedding you might just fall the fuck out, except in this case, you are standing a good 2 feet into the air which means you will fall off the stage to a big thud in a church full of people who are there to witness the nuptials of two very well-to-do individuals and their families. A great thud indeed.

Let me tell you, she fell the FUCK out. I mean she wasn’t even moving so it was very tense up in there for a good 5 minutes. But when she came too, and the wedding proceeded to much ballyhooing and nuptial joy and happiness, and as me and my bridesmaid walked down the aisle, making sure sure not to fall the fuck out…it dawned on me…she fell the fuck out IN THE MIDDLE of a wedding and shall be forever known as the chick who fell out at their wedding.

Showstopper.

It’s not funny, but I do want a copy of the unedited version of the wedding tape. You know…so I can watch the bride and groom say I do over and over again.

(If you believe that you ain’t bright.)

5. My boy must really have married an angel.

Pretty strong words, huh?

Well, let me tell you why. One of the good things about being in a wedding with all of your boys is that they’re there every step of the way. Me and Frank Nitty were standing right next to each other in the groomsmen line on stage. (I keep saying stage but it was an elevated pulpit more or less….we were in a church).

And we both saw the same shit. No lie…

…when the bride entered the church, the sun came out and shone right into the church. Frank said, “YO…THE SUN JUST CAME OUT.” I was like, “yes…it did…is we gon’ die?”

Okay, no I didn’t. You got me.

God must have agreed with their wedding…that’s all I know.

And my boy Johnny Kwest, was just a smiling his ass off as she came down the aisle. They’re happy. I like that.

6. Even traditional weddings get remixes.

This one will be short.

The bride…bless her heart, when the Pastor said, “…for richer or for poorer…” and she had to recite it, do you know she took a 3 second pause after “richer”. Just like this: “…and for richer…tick…tick…tick…and poorer”

Much laughter.

And the groom…this ninja hit a shoulder lean up there while he was reciting something causing all of us groomsmen to fall out laughing since Frank Nitty had originally requested an A-Town Stomp. We could have pulled it off too if it wasn’t for reason and well-thinking people.

7. If you build it, they will come.

There wasn’t an open bar at the reception. I know what you’re saying. Panama and his boys like to drink, whatever will they do? And trust me, me and my boy Doc were trying to figure out how to get drunk without any liquor…but then it happened…

…one of the waiters came around to the tables of the wedding party and started filling our glasses with wine. Now, I don’t know how he picked up on me and Doc’s lushtasticness, because he told us that the wedding party was to be taken care of all night, wine-wise. Well, I told him he was my hero right then and there. And he kept our glasses full, he did.

Well, after I went off to dance for a minute, or something, I come back to the table and the bartender has left two full bottles of wine for me and Doc. One of the hostesses sitting a droit, claimed that the wine was left because she asked the waiter to leave it. I don’t know if that’s true or not…but I do know that I…felt…like…runn-ing.

8. It’s possible to go from classy to ashy in under two hours.

You know, the worst thing you can ever do in life is tell a woman, that you just met mind you, that she might not look as hot, doing some natural shit women do. Confused? Let me unconfuse you.

One of the groomsmen was apparently kicking game to one of the hostesses, a chick from Spelman that I’d seen before but didn’t really know. Very pretty girl with very pretty eyes. Anywho, I suppose his holleration was working because he got her phone number, etc. We were supposed to go out after the reception for more drinks but we didn’t. We just got drunk after the reception in the hospitatlity suite. Many many shots of Grey Goose were had.

So we get kicked out of the hospitatlity suite for being too loud at 2am and all of the hostesses/bridesmaids that were there retreat to their room. I head up to one of their rooms because me and one of the hostesses need to finish a conversation that we’d been having all weekend. So as not to bother the other young ladies trying to get some sleep, we take our conversation into the hallway.

Well, something like 20 minutes into our convo, the dude that was hollering at the chick with the pretty eyes comes from the elevator and is walking towards us. He makes a comment that shall not be repeated…it’s one of those comments that was the reason for the damn convo in the first place between me and her…then walks right into their room.

Uh-oh. So we follow. Now, fellas…if you’ve ever dated a black woman, one thing you know is that damn near every black woman wraps their hair at night. It’s just what they do. You accept it. Hell, I don’t mind it at all. You’re finna go to sleep…who cares.

Apparently, that ninja. He went off on this soliloquy about how women don’t look as good in their nighty headwraps, talking directly to the chick he was trying to holler at…AND THEN…told another one of the chicks in the room that her headrwrap looked okay. Remember, we’re in their room disrupting their attempts to go to sleep.

Let’s just say, he TOTALLY fucked that one up. She’s hot too. No diggety no doubt. There’s a little more to this story, but I’ll cut that one out there.

9. Weddings and receptions are fun.

I like to have fun. I dance hard. Having fun and dancing hard gets people noticing you. It also draws folks onto the dancefloor. Either way, over the course of this weekend, I was called “Trouble” by a bridesmaid, “Dangerous” by and older gentleman, and invited to some folks home so that they could cook me dinner. And the homecooked meal was from an older dude and his wife who saw me dancing during the reception and were really delighted that I was having so much fun.

Yes, Panama turns this mother out. Trust me on that one.

Not sure what being called “Trouble” was about though.

10. Apparently you can’t take me anywhere without me meeting some random folks.

I almost forgot about this. This always happens to me for some reason. I can just be minding my own business and I will end up meeting some strange person and having a full length conversation about something random. This time, it was the environment. This is while we’re waiting on the limos to take us to the wedding. But yep…according to my boys, I got picked up.

I just like talking to people so I always do.

I asked if I’m the only person that happens too and I got a resounding yes from nearly everybody in attendance.

I’m sexxy.

And a bonus:

11. I love my friends and weddings and I would like to go to more.

Guess that one kind of speaks for itself…

To JK and Summer…congratulations. To Richmond, fuck you. And to my folks, old and new, that shit was one for the books.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 4th, 2006 at 10:32 am and is filed under Panama's Travels, Weddings and Sh*t. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.