Guess who’s back in the mothertruckin’ house!?

It’s one mo’ time and one mo’ ‘gain the moment to exercise the inalienable right to do what so many people aren’t allowed to do on an everyday basis.

Drink quality water.

Luckily, Jay-Z is traipsing across the world telling thirsty people that they need to drink better water.

Speaking of Jay, I’m getting excited for his new album. I love the songs I’ve heard.

But you know who has some uber-banging songs being leaked right now???

The Game! The rap game’s most sensitive Negro is providing that hot shit, especially on the tracks helmed by none other than Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas.

Go figure.

On to the tournament. Welcome to the Elite 8 sponsored by myself and the good folks of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises as well as the folks over at The Royal Youngs. By the way, The Champ isn’t having such a good week. Somebody should go console him because the Steelers are on that shit.

Welcome back to:

THE JANET JACKSON BRACKET

It’s Janet…there isn’t much to say. Actually, her last album sucked ass. Like a lot. For instance, there’s sucking ass and then there’s her album. Yes, that’s what I wanted to say. Mmhmm.

(1) Beyonce (defeated Toccara 21-11) vs. (5) Sanaa Latha (who BARELY beat Lauren London 17-16)

Hmm…you know, there are times in my life when I look at Beyonce and I just say, “damn, Solange looks like the bad version of her.” And Solange ain’t even busted. Then again, fuzzy wuzzy was a bear.

Hm…yeah. You ain’t NEVER seen an ass like that!!!!

Hmm…is it me or does seeing her looking so focused just make you think of sizzlin’? Hell, I’m thinking about bacon right now!

Sometimes I just look up in amazement at how fine she is. I mean, it’s like she just wakes up and looks like a shining star. No, a shooting star…Robert Blake, even.

I’m just saying, fine is as fine does.

Do you realize that if the FBI or anybody of authority every confiscated my computer they’d find a folder or two full of lots of scantily clad black women? Do you think this might stop me from being elected somewhere?

Gee, I hope not!

Yep, my life couldn’t be better if I was staring at Halle Berry!

Or Stacey Dash!

Leonardo! Michaelangelo! Donatello! Raphael!

Sanaa. Donk-ey. For real, she has that total girl next door package thing going on. Just makes me want to bake cookies and take somebody’s kids to school. Except she’s the hot version.

In fact, that’s what she is, the MILF to end all MILFS.

Panama’s Pick: Beyonce
Panama’s Prediction: I WANT to say Beyonce, but then somehow, the Beyonce hate might come into play and then all of a sudden we’re sending Sanaa “M.H.” Lathan into the Fiinal Four…so I’m just gonna close my eyes and point
The Champ’s Pick: Beyonce
The Champ’s Prediction: Beyonce

Make sure you place your votes in the comments as we inch ever closer to the moment of truth, the moment of clarity, one shining moment!!!

October and Madness, two things that go together like vodka and cranberry juice. And now, Hennessey and Cranberry juice (Oceanspray), it does taste pretty good…

No..for real.

Make sure you head over the The Champ’s page to vote in the Kenya Moore bracket!! Soon and very soon (we are going to see the King…and that’s not T.I. you heathen), we will be at the Final Four and able to justly and scientifically crown our queen.

Science people, it’s what we live for. And this tourney is science.

But the one thing it’s not…

…it’s not a game!

Vote or die bitches. Vote or die.

Steppin’ thru the fog and creepin’ thru the smog it’s the number one ninja from the A…

Panama Jackson.

And myself and The Champ of The Royal Youngs are delighted to bring you the second half of our Sweet 16 bracket for the world’s most famous exploitation event between the Gulf of Mexico, The Mississippi River, The Atlantic Seaboard and the Great Lakes. As you can see, we’re crazy known, son.

Thank you all for participating thus far in the October Madness 2006 tournament as we’ve begun to whittle down our brown skinned bodacious beauties until we have it narrowed down to one woman who can quit loudly proclaim that due to the hard work and perseverent work ethic of two Negroes on the ‘Net…

…that she is a queen unlike any other queen. She is our Queen…she is our most banginest brown-skinned woman of 2006. Let us begin.

And as an aside, this weekend is the homecoming of the two greatest institutions of higher education on this here third rock from the sun that we call Earth: Morehouse College and Spelman College. Let us all take a moment of silence to appreciate the greatness that is evident in these two bastions of higher education.

*moment of silence observed*

Now, onto the next bracket on this side of thangs..

THE NIA LONG BRACKET

There really isn’t too much I can say here except good googly moogly she’s hot. She has this natural emanating beauty that I’d love for my wife to have. Actually, I just hope my wife doesn’t photograph like Sanaa Lathan causing me to have to say to people as they look at our pictures, “hey, she really does look good despite that stroke-like face she has in all of her pictures…just tilt your head sideways and then squint your eyes…you’ll see how fine she is.” With Nia, that wouldn’t be a problem. Kudos and mazeltof!

(1) Zoe Saldana (spanked Tia Mowry 27-4) vs. (3) Paula Patton (beat Res 20-11)

zoe zo zesty, ze ztruth iz zo clear
z’i'd like zto zmack dat azz far and near
(ah to hell with the alliteration)
so tall and slender, i’d like to get to know ya
speaka to me in da spanish, then to myself please just throw ya (self)

paula paula paula can’t you see
sometimes your legs just hypnotize me
when i saw your back in idlewild
i just wanted to see if i could make you smile
(okay, that one sucked..but you get the point…we’ll always love Big Poppa)

Panama’s Pick: Zoe or Paula (I really can’t decide here)
Panama’s Prediction: Zoe (I think just from knowing her more)

(4) Tyra Banks (narrowly edged out Amerie 17-14) vs. (7) Gabrielle Union (also narrowly edged out Christina Milian 17-14)

girl you got the bestest jublies
double up double down, poppin’ bottles of bubbly
sometimes i want to watch you run to get some jugglies
most women can’t compete with you, them broads is ugly

i like gabby she’s oh so fine
girl next door quality, fine as may wine
im trynna stay alive so i can see here one day
lay my eyes on her sumptuousness, mother may (I)

Panama’s Pick: Tyra
Panama’s Prediction: Gabrielle Union (she’s a sleeper)

Once again, thanks for your continued participation intended to make sure that this tournament is so so sexxy (so sexxy)! We’re taking the world by storm and we shall continue to do so for as long as we can.

Go forth and argue about these women with as many people as possible and then place your votes in the comments section, then head with godspeed over to The Royal Youngs to vote in the Halle Berry bracket!!

Remember, it’s not a game, its a tournament!

And if you happen to see me stumbling through the streets of Atlanta’s West End community on Saturday, come on and holler at a playa.

I go to the ‘House…but where do you go??!?!?!!!!

“…although, y’all might’ve been trying to engineer an upset with the average ass pics of beyonce and the most bangin’ pics of lisa raye you could find.” - Johnny Kwest from Round 1’s Janet Jackson Bracket

“Man, you didn’t do Sanna no justice with the picture selection homie…” - MONK from Sweet 16 Janet Jackson Bracket

“lauren (only because you posted wack pics of sanaa)” - Raven AKA Stringer Bell’s mistress from Sweet 16 Janet Jackson Bracket

Those very comments have been a very common thread of doing this tournament these past two years. I’ve received way more actual phone calls and emails from people than those comments up there. The Champ has had similar experiences.

But let me tell you something about some of these women. They photograph like shit. Literally. And the problem with being a celebrity and photographing like shit is that all of your shitty photographs end up all over the Internet.

The Internet is also known as the place where we get our pictures.

Add to the fact that some of these broads have very few actual quality photograph opportunties (magazines, lots of movies, etc.) anyway (i.e. Lauren London, Keshia Knight-Pulliam, Kerry Washington, Tia Mowry, etc.) and I’m frickin’ pulling for upsets just so I won’t have to spend 100 hours trying to find one decent picture of these chicks.

For instance, you probably have NO clue how long I spent trying to find decent pictures of Sanaa Lathan. My goodness does she take some horrible ass pictures. Some of her pictures look like pure d shit. The pictures that I posted?? The best I could do. Hell, I’m hoping she loses out here just so that I don’t have to keep trying to find pictures of her…but then…

…Lauren London would win and, well, let me just tell you to google Lauren London to see what I was working with. I had about as many options as a one armed one legged flying purple people eater trying to find a one armed one legged yellow onesy.

Of course if Prince was in town, I’m sure our one armed one legged flying purple people eater could find an outfit, but you get the point. Not many options.

Compare that to googling Heather Hunter or any of numerous porn stars out there. Hell, I can find a million pictures of them. Shit, Jenna Jameson…she’s everywhere, ass and titties just aswayin’. Titties is a funny word.

Speaking of titties but not really at all, I saw the movie The Breakup last night for the first time. That movie is fuckin’ horrible. I’d heard how great it was. Liars…all of you that told me it was great are liars. I like my romantic comedies to end a certain way, not the other way (and realize I just made that unclear statement as to not spoil it for anybody who has yet to see it). Even the damn alternate ending sucked. It’s like the white version of Love Jones…and I don’t think Love Jones was that good.

Yeah, I said it.

Back to the lecture at hand. You know what really kills me? Some of these “famous” women don’t even have their own websites. Dude, I have my own website. AND a MySpace page. Websites are some of the best promotion they can have. There is no reason Lauren London doesn’t have a site that I can go to and steal pictures of her for this tournament. In fact, that might become the new criteria next year: If you don’t have a plethora of pictures available, you are by defintion, not a celebrity and clearly nobody cares about you, hereby making you disqualified for this tournament.

Further, if I have more pictures of myself up than I can find of you on the Internet, you are not a celebrity and should go seek out Fabolous and shoot yourself.

So the next time you get some free time and want to find me some decent pictures of Sanaa Lathan, feel free to shoot them my way, because for now, short of some movie stills I’ve found recently, she is one of the worst photographing “celebrities” and needs Jesus.

Thank you.

We’re moving on up…to the Eastside. The Eastside of the brackets bitches!!!

Welcome back to October Madness 2006 sponsored by those two suave svelte snegroes, Panama Muhf***in’ and The Champ, who’s team, the Steelers of Pittsburgh, lost to the Falcon’s of Atlanta, 41-38 this past Sunday.

We’d like to thank everybody who’s taken the time out to exercise their mind, body, and soul, by voting and making sure that their voice is heard. It is those people who are the cornerstone of society.

I’d like to say though, what I appreciate about the democratic process is that so many people can bring so many different opinions into the fold. This way, you never really know what you’re going to get or how your going to get it. And that’s what I love about this country. In what can only be deemd a what the fuck? kind of moment, Sanaa Lathan can pull out the win over a much finer Kerry Washington.

And Dania Ramirez can catch a brick. She will be my Dominican princess anyday. This type of stuff is what makes life worth living.

Viva October Madness 2006!!!

To hell with long ass introductions, most people don’t give a shit about that anyway. Let’s get into the bracket!!!

We’ve managed to eliminate 32 women in something like a week. It ain’t AIDS…no, it’s the October Madness 2006 Tournament! And today we introduce the women you’ve voted into the Sweet 16…and Holy mother of the candy store are they sweet.

I have decided to write short poems to commemorate the occasion.

THE JANET JACKSON BRACKET

Janet Jackson you so fine, I want to make you all mine mine
Sometimes I dream other times I fantasize
I look to the right then to the left in amazement
Your jeans get so tight, girl damn you look great in them

Sexual Chocolate!!!!!

(1) Beyonce (beat Lisa Raye’s ASS 42-14) vs. (6) Toccara (beat Dania Ramirez (damn damn dam) 40-16)

beautiful Beyonce brings boys to the barbecue
booty booty booty booty baby yes you do
bombshell and boisterous believe me big bounty
boy, bilbo baggins bobby brown baby breasts go bouncy bouncy

tushy tushy touchy touchy
toccara totally tufts to tustly tustly
time after time, towards the technical tight thighs
today tomorrow, toccara thickness is tfine

By the way, if you can’t appreciate this fine poetry that PIcasso de la Projet is eschewing, then you, dear friend, are not up on your Maya Angelou-esque level poetry.

Panama’s Pick: Beyonce
Panama’s Prediction: Beyonce , though much like The Champ, I think that Toccara could make this interesting, besides, a lot of people are Beyonce haters
The Champ’s Pick: Beyonce
The Champ’s Prediction: Beyonce, though Toccara could make this interesting

(2) Lauren London (beat Keshia Knight-Pulliam 36-20) vs. (5) Sanaa Lathan (narrowly edged out Kerry Washington…so sad jojo 29-27)

lauren london, la lovely lady
lovely lady lumps, le drive le lmen lcrazy
licky licky legs leaning loquacious
love me some lauren, le derriere l’expectations

sumptuous sexy sultry sex kitten of the stars
see sanaa swim so smoothly even sexxy scar
sometimes some someones say shit, she’s just so-so
shiiiit, shes so sexxy, salvation seeks someone (Panama)

Yeah, that joint was horrible as the fuck…however, I’m Panama and I’m sexxy.

Panama’s Pick: Lauren
Panama’s Prediction: Sanaa (cuz for some reason she beat Kerry Washington…I’d say racism, but then you say potato)
The Champ’s Pick: Lauren
The Champ’s Prediction: Sanaa

Make sure you place your votes in the comments section and then head on over to The Champ’s website to vote in the Kenya Moore bracket.

It’s not a game, it’s a tournament.

Similarly, I’d like to say that I believe that the children are our future. But, if we don’t stop get it get it pop that coochie, doo doo brown…then we have nothing.

Thank you.

Vote or die!!!

Good night and good luck! And make sure you’re ready on Friday as we will unveil the final two brackets of the Sweet 16!!

As was the case last year, we here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises have brought in respected womanologist sociologist, Dr. Heda Mann, Phd, OPP, NAACP, OB/GYN, to come and offer his thoughts on the first round of October Madness 2006. This entire analysis is unscripted and is the property of JGT Enterprises 2006. Any duplication of today’s programming might result in straight mollywoppage.

Panama: Dr. Mann, I’d like to thank you for taking time of your busy schedule to come through here and offer some thoughts and analysis on this year’s tournament. We greatly appreciate it.

Dr. Mann: Not a problem Panama. Thanks for having me. You and The Champ are paragons of everything that is right in the world. Keep it up. I hear you have another project in the works that will “change the game” as you young people say. And oh yeah, congratulations on the Atlanta Falcons win over the Pittsburgh Steelers yesterday.

Panama: Thanks Doc. It does feel good for the Falcons of Atlanta to kick an oblong ball through a giant H to beat the Steelers of Pittsburgh. It was, indeed, a most ripping victory. There is another project in the works but we’ll keep that on the hush-hush tip. Let’s get right into the tournament. Before we get into specifics, what are your impressions of the brackets and the participants overall this year.

Dr. Mann: Well similar to last year, I think you all have a pretty good cross-section of women. Some dark, some light, some thick…in fact, let me just say that I’m not sure why Toccara doesn’t get more attention. Despite her plus-sizedness, she’s quit the showstopper, to hell with Danity Kane. There are some issues I had with the seeding of a few women, but for the most part, the brackets look good to me. They make for some interesting matchups in the Sweet 16 already.

Panama: Hmm…seeding issues? What do you mean?

Dr. Mann: For instance, how in the world does Lisa Raye end up an 8 seed over somebody like say Alicia Keys who was a 4 seed. Truth be told, the main difference between the two is that Lisa Raye is a finer, sexxier, more asstastic version of Alicia Keys, minus the music ability, which actually has very little to do with this tournament. Additionally, there were some “unfair” matchups early. Take for instance, Dania Ramirez versus Toccara. Now really, son, Dania deserves to go further than the first round, but so does Toccara, yet, one of them has to go. But much like any tournament, life isn’t fair. I mean did you see Coach Carter? Richmond had to face St. Francis in the first round of the state playoffs. That wasn’t fair.

Panama: Riiiiiiiight…I suppose I see your point. Seeding issues are prone to arise. As soon as we put the bracket out there, I got all kinds of feedback from people telling me how bogus some of those seeds were. It’s just one of those things. We used a scientific method of eeny meeny miny mo to come up with our seedings. And you can’t argue with God.

Dr. Mann: Well I’m not saying that the seedings were wrong at all but there were a few that just seemed a little off. However, that is how you make drama and excitement. Speaking of drama and excitement, during my research I noticed that on the Okayplayer boards, some people were stating that the women you had weren’t black enough, etc. When you read stuff like that, what do you think of that? Not to turn the interview around or anything…

Panama: Oh it’s alright. My first inclination was to laugh mostly because of the numerous women we have of varying skintone on our list. For fuck’s sake, black women come in all colors. And since we also include some Latina women in this, I mean, some people really need to get over themselves. Oh, they can also kiss my ass. We tried to find women that we found appealing and put them before the masses. We did that. We’re cool with our product so in the immortal words of Bernie Mac, “fuck ‘em”.

Dr. Mann: Indeed.

Panama: So… *flipping through some papers*…let’s look at some of these brackets. In your opinion, which of these brackets is the most loaded?

Dr. Mann: I’d have to say the Janet Jackson bracket. Look at the talent you have in there. Any number of those women could make it to the Final Four if seeded properly. Then look at the early matchup between Kerry Washington and Sanaa Lathan. That’s just crazy.

Panama: Yeah, I see here that on Friday, Kerry had a 2 vote lead, but today, Sanaa has overtaken her by 2 votes. That is by far the closest race.

Dr. Mann: It’s really quite intriguing to watch them battle it out. They both could go far but whoever loses probably deserves to go far as well. I suppose it just “be’s like that sometimes.” I stole that from a rapper.

Panama: Yes, and you should stop it now. What do you think about the Kenya Moore bracket?

Dr. Mann: Good question. I don’t know how I feel about this one. Logic would tell me that Nona Gaye should take this bracket, especially since it’s mostly a female voter turnout, but good gracious, Lizz Robbins has a body out of this world. Not the cutest thing, but a great body. And I have another question…how in the HELL did Teedra Moses get in there? I don’t usually question you all’s judgement, but last year it was Jacque Reed and this year it’s Teedra Moses. Do you two just sit back and say, you know who nobody’s ever considered…and then pick some random woman?

Panama: If I tell you, I might have to kill you. I’ll have you know though, it was between her and the lady from the Pine Sol commercials with the super big breasts. You know…the tubby one. We went with Teedra. And the Halle Berry bracket?

Dr. Mann: Stacey Dash should walk away with this one going away. There’s just no other real competition for her in this bracket. I will say that Stacey versus potentially Rosario Dawson in the Sweet 16 is just tragic. Once again, that cookie crumbling is a bitch. And I see you all tried your damndest to get YaYa some more shine again. Sad to say young buck, nobody cares about her. Plus she was acting like a stank ho in that Chingy video.

Panama: But it’s just a video…I mean…

Dr. Mann: It doesn’t matter. Think about this. If Alicia Keys, who is pretty and all, but just as talented as anybody else gets all this credit for playing the piano which to my knowledge isn’t on display on but maybe two of the songs in her entire catalog, then why wouldn’t YaYa lose points for acting like the stank ho we all think she is? It’s psychology, son. We place all kinds of intangible nonsense to these people’s attractiveness. It’s not like Ciara can sing, but her dancing has convinced some 12 year old’s across the nation that Ciara is a better singer than Mariah Carey. Oh yes, I hate Jazze Pha.

Panama: I suppose. And me too. Alright, the last bracket, the Nia Long. Any thoughts?

Dr. Mann: This is also a loaded bracket. You already have a tough one in the Christina versus Gabrielle competition. Poor Christina but I just don’t think she’s gonna ever go very far. You could put her at a 1 seed and face her off agains the female Gremlin and I believe the Gremlin would at least make it interesting. People just don’t like her for some reason. I’ll tell you though, from the looks thus far, that Zoe Saldana versus Paula Patton potential matchup could get really ugly. Have you SEEN Paula Patton in the Denzel movie trailer? Good got damn. And Zoe is just fine. It’s going to be sad to see either of them go. The bottom half of that bracket is just too crazy as a whole. Amerie and Tyra? I mean, who do you pick there? In fact, I ‘ve changed my mind, THIS is the most loaded bracket just for the potential Sweet 16 matchups. Nothing but women I’d like spread butter over.

Panama: Dr. Mann, could we please refrain from sexually charged statements. This is a family show, fucker.

Dr. Mann: I’m sorry. I’m just saying though, have you seen Tyra’s breasts? They look like two basketballs just sitting up there. I’d just like to watch her run.

Panama: Dammit Doc…sheesh…I see you need to go handle your business, so before you go, who do you think will take it all?

Dr. Mann: Well, I think the Beyonce haters will keep her out. Hell, if Gabrielle makes it she’ll probably lose to her in the Final 4. I think Stacey has the easiest road, and if she makes it to the championship round, then I think Stacey Dash will win the whole thing, but if she doesn’t, then the sheer volume of women voters just might propel Nona Gaye. But my final precition is Stacey Dash versus Beyonce with Stacey winning. It was written.

Panama: Well, thanks Dr. Mann for coming through and sharing. As usual, your insights are welcomed. You all have a great day and remember to vote or die…though we’d prefer that you voted. And tune in tomorrow as the Sweet 16 begins its heyday both here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises and over at The Champ’s site (though The Champ lost to the Atlanta Falcons yesterday).

[*** If you don't already have your downloadable PDF file, October Madness 2006 bracket, download it here: Download file ***]

Welcome to the second half of the first day of the last third of your life.

I do this for my culture.

And if that made no sense to you, then just welcome to the second half of Round 1 of October Madness 2006 ladies and gentlemen. You may scream and get excited and be merry and shit now.

*crowd screams and gets excited and be’s merry and shit*

We, the people…eh, scratch that, we, the good people and pimptastic ninjas of Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises and The Royal Youngs would like to thank you for your participation in this year’s tournament. And so far it’s been a doozy. First and foremost, I will be doing an indepth anaylsis of Round 1 next week by bringing in last year’s JGT Senior Analyst Dr. Hida Mann. He’s the one who told the world that Barack Obama, was indeed, not a dime. He’s chomping at the bit to get some airtime and address some of the complaints that have been levied against the Tournament selection committee.

And yes bitches, complaints have been levied. Now, WWPD??

C’mon now, altogether now.

In Unison: FUCK YOU HATERS!

That’s what Panama’d do.

Ah yes, Vote or die ninjas. Vote or die. There’s really never a solid place to put that statement in these posts, so I figured there was just as good a place as any.

Similarly, I tried to fill out my own bracket. I couldn’t even do it. It gets really hard after the first round. I just up and quit because I couldn’t chose between the women I love…which would be damn near all of them.

Well today the tournament continues with myself, Panama Muhf***in’, bring you mothertruckas the world famous DJ Clue…er…silly me…the world famous Nia Long. Yes, this bracket has been named after one of the finest to ever have done it. Actually we’ll get to that in a second. First, let me say that sometime tomorrow, I will place in this post the thus far tally for the Janet Jackson bracket. And let me tell you, after just a cursory look over how the votes may be falling, I have one thing to say…”watch out for the big girl…watch out for the big girl.” Word to Baltimore.

So let’s just get into the proceedings ladies and gentlemen. Make sure you also go visit The Champ’s site and check out what he has going on in the Halle “My Breasts Are Too Supple To Box With God” Berry bracket. As is usual, both The Champ and I provide our personal picks and predictions, though neither of them hold any weight here at all. We just like sharing since sharing is caring.

By the way, for those people who don’t venture here very often, my favorite word is: supple. In fact, let’s see how many times I can use it.

While the Champ brings you the supple Halle Berry bracket, I am here to bring you the bracket named after the one, the only–

“…I couldn’t leave it alone, I thought I needed a Nia Long…”

Yes ninjas, I’d like to welcome you to:

THE NIA LONG BRACKET

Do y’all know she doesn’t have her own website? Why wouldn’t a supple woman like her not have her own website? Anyway…Bobby Caldwell has a song called “What You Won’t Do For Love”…well I have a similar feeling, you see, I don’t think you know what I’d do just to touch one her hips. I don’t need to fondle her or anything, I just want to touch. Like Omarion. Only with way less dancing with a light skinned chick with no ass. Nia Long, I salute you if only because you don’t want to hear about no gotdamn peas. Me neither…and fuck cauliflower too while we’re at it!

(All of the pictures can be clicked on for bigger versions…however, some of these pictures are huckin’ fuge so if you’re at work and you click and you get Tyra’s titties all up in your Excel spreadsheet…it ain’t my fault.)

(1) Zoe Saldana vs. (8) Tia Mowry

Panama’s Take on Zoe Saldana: Ever since I saw Drumline, I’ve wanted to put a pounding on that supple ass. My Latina princess, brown bombshell, so so sexxy lady of the Shrine of Accented Honeysuckle, how do I tell thee how fine I think you are? Simple, I just say it. Girl, you’re fine. You know, she doesn’t have as much body as perhaps, say Lisa Raye, but she has a smile that could stop traffic. Plus, she kind of has a hiss thing in her voice that makes her that much cuter to me. Sounds like she has some Mexican in her or something, and I’m not talking Vicente Fox, people!

*rimshot*

Random ass “trivia” found on the Intenet: I’m telling you, the facts you can find on the internet are just astounding. Like, did you know she’s of Afro-Dominican descent? Me neither. I had to search long and hard for that one. You know, it’s times like this I want to thank the people at places like IMDB for putting 1 and 1 together for me. You see, I knew she was one of the Negro Dominicans, I just didn’t realize that if you put that shit together, it made her Afro-Dominican. Glory day!

Panama’s Take On Tia Mowry: Because I’m such a genius, I didn’t even really think about the fact that if Tia won anything it’s a win for her sister, Tamera as well. Apparently, the rest of the world would agree as well since it’s fuckin’ hard as hell to find pictures of her by herself. Hell, I can’t even tell them apart. She’s broken out on her own with this new TV show on the Former Negro Network, The CW Network, which is how she even got noticed in the first place. You know, this is somewhat disturbing because I have an ex-girlfriend who looks similar to her(them). you can just call that random Panama trivia. The more you know. Ding! So let’s see…hmm….I’d totally sop her up wtih a biscuit. Not as supple as the other chicks, but you knowwhat…she could still get it. Plus, you get the added bonus of potentially finding out how she (they’re) different. No downside here. Supple. I just felt like using that word.

Hmm…does anybody actually read any of this shit or do you just look at the pictures and vote?

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: Ah, they were born in Germany. They are military brats. Mr. Me Too. That’s cool. Apparently the U.S. Military has figured out what the rest of the nation hasn’t. Creating bi-racial babies is that shit! So many half-breeds I know are military brats, including yours truly. Amazing.

Panama’s Pick: Zoe Saldana
Panama’s Prediction: Zoe Saldana (I actually think Tia is finna get blowed the fuck out)
Champ’s Pick: Zoe Saldana
Champ’s Prediction: Zoe Saldana

(3) Paula Patton vs. (6) Res

Panama’s Take on Paula Patton: As the newfound object of my exploitative affection, let me just say, after seeing her in Idlewild, especially her back while she was getting her horizontal polka on with Andre 3000 that this mammajamma is one bad mother (shut my mouth). THEN, just tonight, I saw the preview for the movie she’s in with Denzel called Deja Vu…even looking all caked up with dirt and grime she looks fine as the fuck. Not just fine as fuck. No, that won’t cover it, fine as THE fuck. To hell with drinking her bathwater, I want to BE her bathwater. You know, them Shai ninjas had it all wrong. They just wanted to be some chicks comforter. That’s dumb, who wants to be somebody’s blanket. I mean, in the summer it gets hot and what if its a wool comforter. Me, I will be your bathwater, I will keep it hoo-oooo-oooot. And if you don’t know who the fuck Shai is, go kill yourself. Oh yeah, she’s supple.

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: To hell with the Net, she is married to Robin Thicke of “Wanna Love You Girl” fame. Now, I’m usually just jealous of white people for that whole world domination thing, corporate power and freedom to kind of do as they please when they want. But now, he has that supple ass black woman at his disposal…good got damn. The Gods must be crazy, because she drives me Idlewild…which is also the name of an Allman Brothers album.

Panama’s Take on Res: I’m not really sure what to say about Res. Only because I’ve had a crush on her for a while now which means I think she’s hot. Or at least has hot knees. I mean, her stomach is sexxy and supple. Her hair is often supple. I mean, she’s just a supple chick. Plus she sings songs that have strange meanings which makes her hotter because I don’t really know what the fuck she’s talking about sometimes. Dude, ambiguity is so sexxy. And supple. In all truth, I think Res is just hot. She’s not conventionally hot she’s just hot. Nuff said…and for kicks, yeah she could get it.

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: Hmm…how about when you find out some shit about her you tell me, mmkay? Short of MySpace I can’t really find shit. So I’ll just say that her song, “700 Mile Situation”, is my shit. My shit, do ya hear me?

Panama’s Pick: Paula Patton
Panama’s Prediction: Paula Patton (unless the haters come out and pretend like she ain’t hot. Die haters die!)
Champ’s Pick: Res
Champ’s Prediction: Res

(4) Tyra Banks vs. (5) Amerie

(Talk about an epic battle! It’s the Body Party Battle at the Blog. It’s Legs VS. Head!!!)

Panama’s Take On Tyra Banks: So let’s put it all on the table, Tyra has the best jubblies on Earth. I mean, she has some really nice breasts. When I say supple you say Tyra: Supple (TYRA!) Supple (TYRA!) Good googly moogly. And the rest of her is nice too. She’s just hot. She’s got all that Inglewood body with those supple wondrous jubblies. Don’t you just want to touch them? I know I do. Hi, my name is Panama and I’m not a Catholic priest…because I like breasts. Not sure how that one works with the big fella upstairs ya know. I mean on the one hand, I’m a perve, but on the other hand, at least I’m not touching little boys under the guise of doing God’s work. I’ll bet God has a lot of paperwork to do these days.

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: I’ve tired of looking up facts so fuck it. Tyra is a starfucker. There. I said it.

Panama’s Take on Amerie: If you discount the fact that she has like zero body (and don’t believe the push-up bra shot in there either), Amerie’d be like the baddest chick on two legs. Okay, saying two legs presumes that there might be a bad chick running around here on 4 legs. And I’m not into beastiality, so we’re just gonna move on, mmkay? Amerie has legs to die for and a voice that just might kill you. Thing is, she also seems like the kind of fine chick that you can actually obtain. I feel like I could see her kind of fine out here in these streets. You know, really, I just want to touch her legs one good time. After that damn “1 Thing” video, I’ve had dreams about her legs. Okay, that’s not true, but it makes for good fodder for blogs. Dude, I forgot, supple.

Random ass “trivia” found on the Intenet: She’s one of the few Black entertainers in this country (half-breed actually…and also, military brat; coincidence? I think not), who actually started college and finished. I believe she has a degree in English and I know for a fact she went to Georgetown. Can you say keeper? I can. Keeper.

Panama’s Pick: This is fuckin’ tough. I quit.
Panama’s Prediction: Tyra Banks
Champ’s Pick: Tyra
Champ’s Prediction: Tyra

(2) Christina Milian vs. (7) Gabrielle Union

Panama’s Take on Christina Milian: What can I say, she’s just a little sexxy hot mama. She’s supple as shit too. She just makes me want to…well, I can’t even say it. True, her last album was more booty than Buffy the Body, but she still looked good promoting that garbage. And in my book that makes her a-okay with me. Plus, who wouldn’t like to have her around…well, besides Nick Cannon. Seriously, do you believe he was actually cheating on her? That just goes to show you that the age old adage is very true: Show me a pretty woman and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of fucking her. Damn shame too…kind of casts a negative light on marriage doesn’t it. It’s also why I’m only gonna date 4’s and lower from here on out. Okay, that’s a lie. I’m too sexxy for that shit.

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: Seriously, Nick Cannon was cheating on her. Either he’s really smart and she be on some Halle Berry type shit, or he’s really stupid. I haven’t figured out which one yet. I will say this, I’d like the chance to get tired fo her. You can print that Officer. Oh wait…

Panama’s Take on Gabrielle Union: She’s just adorable which is what makes this matchup so hard. I mean, she’s supple in all the right places and I mean who wouldn’t want to date Gabrielle Union. I know I would love the shot. Hell, I actually own the DVD of The Brothers because of her. And no, you didn’t see it. Or at least I hope you didn’t. It just dawned on me that her and Sanaa Lathan probably compete for all of the same roles. They’re like the same damn person. Then again, so are all the Black actors and actresses in Hollywood with the exception of Terrence Howard. Speaking of which, did you hear that in the biopic of Eazy E, Jerry Heller wants to cast Terrence Howard as…get this…DR. DRE!!! I know we want him to play in every movie with ninjas but that’s just taking it too far. Granted, you can’t waste his talent by making him play DJ Yella. Perhaps he should just be Bizzy Bone. Wow that shit had very little to do with Gabrielle Union…but fuck it, she’s fine and you all know it.

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: I have nothing. Oh…get this. She shot the movie Constellation, which to my knowledge has yet to see the light of day, in Huntsville, Alabama. Panama…went to high school in Huntsville, Alabama. See, me and Gabby have more in common than being ballers in 6’s…get it, more in common? Yeah, Huntsville bitch.

Panama’s PIck: This is also too hard. I mean, I love them both.
Panama’s Prediction: Gabrielle Union (I think more women can identify with her and women seem to be voting more)
Champ’s Pick: Christina Milian
Champ’s Prediction: Gabrielle Union

***

Thus concludes Round 1 of October Madness 2006. Make sure you vote with your fingers and put your picks in the comments section. Then make sure you head over to The Champ’s site to vote in the Halle Berry bracket. Then make sure you get a good night’s rest and floss. Always floss. Oh oh…and make sure you wear your seat belt too. Panama believes in safety first…speaking of which, use protection.

Tuesday brings us to the Sweet 16 and make sure to tune in Monday for some expert analysis.

Vote or die! People died for your right to vote so exercise it ninja…exercise your rights!

“…I can’t believe, today was a good day…” ~ Ice Cube, “It Was A Good Day”, The Predator

My life is better today, because of what happened in my life yesterday. And I’d be remiss if I didn’t share this lovely and inspiring news. In fact, it’s not just news, it’s a story. A story of hopes and dreams. It’s a story about belief.

Aside from the fact that we’re all going to die one day, it would be the never-ending story. Only without the big floppy eared flying dragon dog or any random white kids named Atreyu.

Thing is, despite the fact that we’re all going to die one day, and that is usually depressing news in and of itself, I just may now die in peace.

First, I must tell you a story.

Actually, first I must tell you to make sure that you are voting in the 2nd Annual October Madness (2006) tournament being sponsored by both Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises and The Royal Youngs. Those are household names. And similarly tune in tomorrow as we unveil the next two brackets with our expert analysis and scientific meandering. Hmm…I think I like that term, scientific meandering.

Yes, methinks me likes it much.

Back to the story that was never begun. I can honestly say that I had a good youth. I could read at a very young age. I only almost killed myself once (or three) times in bicycle incidents. I was only picked up by the police for shoplifting one time (when I was 6 and it wasn’t my fault…well, not completely). As you can see, I learned a few lessons the hard way but I have no complaints. Well, as I got older those lessons became easier and easier for me to learn.

And do you know why? You probably don’t. Which is why you’re wondering why I just asked you if you knew why. Thing is, you probably weren’t even wondering and just recognize it as one of those rhetorical speech-like phrases that people use when they’re about to make some seemingly valid point.

The reason why learning those lessons became easier for me is because Family Matters, yes the television show, was always one of my favorite shows. Perhaps it’s because in my youth I could so easily identify with Steve Urkel. Believe it or not, I was quite the little nerd growing up. True, I was the coolest nerd on the block and managed to win Best Dressed Male every year I was in middle school, but underneath my thuglike, debonair exterior, festered a nerd who really just wanted to read Encyclopedia’s and play with his calculator.

If you watched Family Matters every week, you were provided with some lesson and you always knew when the lesson was coming because that cheesy music would start playing to let you know that somebody was finna get learned something. I used to love that actually. There’d always be some conflict of sorts, then some speech of apology or of understanding, cue music, cue hugs, then voila…everybody loves eachother again.

Well, except Laura Winslow. That damn Laura. She just wouldn’t give poor Steve the time of day. Well, not until Stephon Ur-Kel showed up. You know, the cool version of Steven Q. Urkel.

You’re probably wondering where all of this is heading. Hell, me too.

As much as I’d like to say that I watched Family Matters for the lessons and the cheesy less cool Cosby-esque nature of the show, the real reason I watched…every season…religiously…was…

…Laura Winslow nee Kellie Shanynge Williams.

Hands down, my crush on her trumped any crush I’ve ever had on Christina Milian. I was in love with her. I thought she was so fine.

Oh yes, and to hell with you if you are currently snickering.

I just knew that I’d find Laura out there slipping one day and I’d make her mine. Hell, I wanted to marry Laura. My family can actually attest to this. Two of my sisters are very familiar with my love for Laura and used to tease me about it. You see, it was a genuine and pure love. Mary J. Blige might even refer to it as “real love”.

She was pretty, had a big heart, nice, had a nice smile, and just seemed like an all around good person. Basically, she had me from hello. She always seemed (to me…and yes during my formative years) as the kind of girlfriend or woman who would be good to have in your life. And because I’m impressionable, I transfer all of those characteristics drummed up by writers into who the actual person really is. I don’t think you can pull of great person unless you have some semblance of great person inside of you. So yes, I was in love.

I just need to make that clear, for the entire duration of Family Matters, I was in love with Laura Winslow, thought she was the bee’s knees and was so extremely fine.

Hmmm…does all of that actually make me Urkel?

Allow me to switch gears for a second. If you remember, I used to host a weekly Open Mic event in Washington, DC, at the historic Bohemian Caverns. Nice spot. I don’t host anymore but I do any number of other things behind the scene from running the door to coordinating the performances, etc. Just call me the intern. Last night we had a comedian that many folks have heard of before, Red Grant, come through. He’s originally from DC and he’s an extremely funny dude.

While he’s up there performing, or right when he’s about to get off stage, he does this shout out to his people that came with him.

And who but who came there to support him?

KELLIE WILLIAMS AKA LAURA WINSLOW!!!

Can I tell you that when he said that, time stopped?

Actually, I suppose I just did.

What makes this even more crazy is that I let them all into the door together and because I was on the phone and working the guest list at the same time, I didn’t even notice her when she came in. Just said, go on in.

When he shouted her out, my radar got to working. I knew exactly where they were sitting and GEORGE MICHEAL! There she was.

I almost fainted.

Okay, that’s not true at all.

But I couldn’t believe it.

Well, she and, I presume, her sister (girl looked just like her, but not really) walked out and I went outside because I was going to speak to her, which I did.

We talked for a short minute. I told her how much of a fan I was of both her and the show and that I’d been in love with Laura Winslow for years, yada yada yada. She told me that she’d moved back to DC and was running a non-profit focused on the arts. I found out its called the Kellie Williams Programs. Then, I probably reiterated how much I used to love her. I’m fun like that. It was a quick little, all-smiles, conversation. I mean I wasn’t trying to holler or anything…just because the love of your life shows up doesn’t mean you have to try to holler at them does it?

Anyway, in the midst of our short conversation she says to me, probably after I told her that my heart dropped when her and Stephon got married (even though that never officially happened on the show as the show was cancelled before they showed the actual wedding)…

…”you’re sweet.”

I’m officially done.

You can’t tell me jack. I’m officially on cloud nine. And yes, she didn’t really say anything to me that would make me think she’ll ever remember me.

Then again, I’m Panama. I’m kind of hard to forget.

Plus, I’m sexxy.

Either way, even if I never see her again (though she did tell me about some event she was having next weekend, too bad I’ll be out of town), my life is better because I got to meet Laura Winslow aka Kellie Williams in person.

And believe you me, she’s STILL fine. Good gracious. I think I’m still in love. Okay, that may not be true, but good googly moogly is she hot. I have no idea how great a person she is or anything, or if she’s anything like Laura Winslow, but truthfully, the girl’s alright with me…you know, the girl’s alright. In fact, I take it back, I think I do still have a crush on her. Yep, I’m still crushing on Laura Winslow.

But it’s okay, because I met her.

I called my sister and told her right after I met her and she just laughed at me because she knew I must have been on cloud nine. And I was…

…and still am.

Like I said, I may now die in peace.

Goodnight and goodluck.

*Remember to vote in the October Madness tourney if you haven’t already, both here and over at The Champ’s site. *

Vote or Die! ~ P. Diddy

Don’t call it a comeback…the so smooth soul brotha’s Panama Muhfuckin’ (the self-proclaimed sexxiest man alive and notorious self-linker, bitches) and The Champ of The Royal Youngs have been here for years.

Shaq told you bitches best, but you can’t stop the reign. You can’t. Go on ahead and try.

*waiting*

See?

Our reign is so thorough that we decided to bring back the tournament to end all tournaments. The one of a kind October Madness Tournament where we put ignorance and exploitation front and center for the masses. And what is October Madness you ask??

October Madness is the tournament where we line up 32 beautiful, bodacious, melanin-packing babes and determine democratically…who is indeed the Most Beautiful Brown Bombshell of 2006.

It’s how George Bush would want it. Kanye said that Bush doesn’t care about Black people. I’ll bet tha tif you put all the ass that Kenya Moore is packing in front of his face, well, I’d be willing to bet that he’d care. He’d reach out and touch someone. And much like AT&T or Cingular, or whatever the fuck cellphone company is finna be referenced, that is what we’re doing over the next few weeks both here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises and The Royal Youngs….

…we are providing a means for the community to reach out to its people. Without one another, we have nothing. It is with this benevolent spirit that we bring to you the opportunity to look at a women’s assets with little regard to whether or not she can actually read, and help us determine who indeed is the most banging brown skinned lady.

Word to Black Star.

I see a few of you, mostly women, out there wondering why on Earth would we craft such a tournament that does what “the man” and rap music has been doing to our women for years: exploiting them?

Because we can.

Thank you. Now let’s get to the tournament shall we? Yes, let’s.

The Champ and I have quite scientifically arrived at a list of 32 women for your visual delight…and yes, that goes for both men and women. Ladies, I know you be checking out the ladies. I know you watch them womenses shake their money maker like their doing it for paper. After coming up with our list, we algebraically seeded them, NCAA March Madness tournament style to provide you with a bracket that you can photocopy and share with your friends.

Hell, start an office pool.

Wait, you think I’m joking about creating brackets?? Oh, it’s so not a game. Please, go here:

2006 October Madness Tournament Bracket Download file

Still think its a game?

Now, for those that follow the NCAA March Madness tourney, you’d know that there are usually four regional brackets. Well, us two GQ smooth brothas are too cool for geographical regions. No. We’ve broken down our tournament into 4 brackets of equal quality: the Kenya Moore bracket, the Halle Berry bracket, the Janet Jackson bracket, and the Nia Long bracket. These brackets were especially chosen to pay homage to the modern women who have caused many a man to give standing ovations during even the shittiest of movies.

Trois, anyone?

I, Panama Dontavious Jackson, will be handing the ladies (I wish) of the Janet Jackson and Nia Long brackets, and The Champ will be wrangling the women of the Kenya Moore and Halle Berry brackets. And we’d like to give special attention to Kenya Moore, the winner of the inaugural, First Annual October Madness tournament.

All hail the reigning queen.

For the record, there’s rules to this shit. Please go to The Champs site to see the rules we tried to follow for picking the women we chose to ogle…I mean, honor.

What we ask of you is that you decide who you think should move onto the next round out of the two ladies who are going head to head (snicker!), and place the results in the comments section. And since we know some of you just might have difficulty with your picks, the experts, The Champ and Panama (that’s me bitch) have posted our picks and predictions to add a little spice. We’ll see how good we are at doing this shit.

So, without further ado, I present to you:

THE JANET JACKSON BRACKET

To Janet Jackson, who despite dating the most talented midget in music history, could get it anytime (bum bum), any place…and no, I don’t care who’s around. Woosah, bitches. Woosah.

(1) Beyonce vs. (8) Lisa Raye

Panama’s Take on Beyonce: Face it ladies, she looks better than 98 percent of you. She even looked fine in The Fighting Temptation, and she spent the whole movie fighting with her horrible weave. She steals the show every where she goes with that smile that says “there’s nothing more behind my looks”. And do you know what? I’m totally okay with that. She even knows how to just stand sexxy. In fact, have you ever wanted to ride a horse through the pale moonlight while dancing with wolves after the hurricane while being a menace to South Central AND trying to find Nemo at the same time? No? Well you should…because that’s how fine Beyonce is. If you don’t make me want to do that, you ain’t that fine. Join a sorority, step ya game up!

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: Her name rhymes with “fiancee” and she has a cat named Master P. How fun!

Panama’s Take on Lisa Raye: You know, for the longest time I didn’t really appreciate Lisa Raye and all of her fineness. Sucks for me, because apparently the dictator/rule/some such fucker of Turks and Caicos saw what I was sleeping on and scooped her up. All of that ass, at his disposal. Hell, she’s the only reason I even watch UPN/CW Network nowadays, just so I can watch her walk around on All of Us. Lord knows its a dumb ass show. She kind of has that thick stallion thing going on that is a few biscuits away from being a St. Bernard. But while she has it, she has it, and I’d do anything to have been an extra on the set of Player’s Club. Word life.

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: She attended Eastern Illinois University (not sure if she graduated) and participated in the “Kappa Sweetheart Ball”. No word on whether or not she was a Sweetheart or her ass just showed up, which could be the same shit that happened with her “education” at Eastern Illinois University. Get ya learn on!

Panama’s Pick: Beyonce (dude it’s Beyonce)
Panama’s Prediction: Beyonce (though Beyonce tends to draw out the haters…we shall see)
The Champs Pick: Beyonce
The Champs Prediction: Beyonce

(3) Dania Ramirez vs. (6) Toccara

Panama’s Take on Dania Ramirez: You know, some women have all the curves and all of the badunkadunk of Ki-Toy, then there are others who have minimal curves (but still have them) but they just emanate “gotdamn”. That is Dania Ramirez. Hell, I’ve watched the movie Fat Albert well over 100 times just because she’s in it and looks so fine. Not to mention that assfest that was She Hate Me! Terrible movie be damned but she’s fine enough to make me sit through asanine plotlines and ridiculous cinematic license (I mean, it is Spike Lee and shit). PLUS, she had a scene in The Sopranos where she was screwing some Italian kid and she had the sweaty back thing going. I think I fell in love on that day. In fact, she’s so fine to me, that I’d go to Church’s, just to buy some biscuits, so I could sop her up with them. And there ain’t no Church’s Chicken in Washington, DC!!!

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: She graduated from Montclair State University. Umm…yeah, that’s about all I could find on her. As you can see her life is an open book.

Panama’s Take On Toccara Jones: Wow. You know, I’m a skinny fellow. Usually I tend to be afraid of women who’s right breast might weigh more than me. But you know what, Toccara is fine, banging like shit. All that woman. And you know, one day, it’s not gonna be so pretty, but right now its gorgeous. She’s like a rose tattoo on a young (legal) woman who has uber big breasts. One day, that rose is gonna be on a long ass vine, but dammit, for the interim, it makes you want to smell the roses…literally. Plus, you know she can cook and that ALWAYS makes women look better!

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: She’s from Dayton and loves spaghetti. I love Lasagna and my grandfather lives in Cleveland. We have so much in common.

Panama’s Pick: Dania Ramirez (I think I’ve really developed feeelings for her)
Panama’s Prediction: Toccara ( I mean she has better pictures and everything, plus I see the big girl love coming out)
The Champs Pick: Dania Ramirez
The Champs Prediction: Toccara

(4) Kerry Washington vs. (5) Sanaa Lathan

Panama’s Take on Kerry Washington: This young lady has definitely seen her star rise over the past few years. From getting her back bent over backwards in She Hate Me to being the purdy little Bee in Ray!, Kerry Washington has just beomce one of the sexxiest Black women in Hollywood. I mean where else will you find a woman with a stange mouth configuration that still manages to exude straight-mouth attractiveness? Really, where? Plus she got some major woman-on-woman action going on with Dania Ramirez (my Latina Queen). Anytime two hot women get it on together on the silver screen for $9.50 a pop (no pun intended), well, it makes her alright with me. Plus seeing her in lingerie made me rather randy, which you’ll understand is extremely difficult for me since my name is Panama. Go figure that shit out.

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: Her daddy sells real estate. But get this, she actually graduted from the George Washington University in Washington, DC in 1998. FUCK…I was like 3 years too late!!! Oh wait, that ain’t trivia, that’s just a gotdamn shame.

Panama’s Take on Sanaa Lathan: Aww, the girl next door. I used to have a “girl next door”. I used to sneak into her home in 11th and 12th grade and help her with “homework”. That’s what I love about the “good” girls. They’re all liars who really like to get down in all kinds of random places at random times. And they’re usually screamers. I think Sanaa is a screamer. That makes her finer. Sure she isn’t the finest woman I’ve ever seen, but I’ll bet that you wouldn’t pass her up at an HBCU (historically black college or university)…and that should be the ultimate test for fineness, would she be passed up on an HBCU campus (cuz we all know “fine” at a predominantly white school is relative concept…and you can disagree, but you will be wrong)? My guess is no…plus, I’d hit like the white boy in Something New who was straigh taggin’ that ass. Graffiti style.

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: Umm, her daddy runs shit, like for real. Perhaps you’ve heard of him: Stan Lathan? And she grew up in Beverly Hills. I wonder if she grew up in the rough part. You know, the part with only ONE tennis court as opposed to two. I just said tutu.

Panama’s Pick: Kerry Washington
Panama’s Prediction: Sanaa Lathan (she has a following, and common sense is often damned)
The Champs Pick: Sanaa Lathan
The Champs Prediction: Sanaa Lathan

(2) Lauren London vs. (7) Keshia Knight-Pulliam

Panama’s Take On Lauren London: Seemingly coming from nowhere when Pharrell’s video for “Frontin’” came out, she’s overtaken the hearts and wet dreams of 15 year old boys everywhere. Sure she’s grown, but she played a gum-chewing faux-ghetto chick in the hit movie ATL (and yes I’m calling it a hit because I’m biased). She’s got that cute girl devious look that drives all the fellas crazy, right? Word to Big Bird, right?? Eh, whatever, she’s hot and she could get it every kind of which a way, which a way, which a way, every kind of which a way. Hey, am I the only one who absofuckinlutely hated her accent in the movie ATL? I wanted her to drop dead unti l I realized that wasn’t how she really talked. Sigh of relief, bitches. Sigh of relief. But you see the pictures and you’ve seen the movie (well, if you’re Black and have any kind of connection to Atlanta-Westside MLK beeyotch) and you know her body of work…heh heh heh, that’s kind of a pun. Fuck it, she’s just fine!

(Quick side note: The other chick in the “Frontin’” video, Lanisha Cole, the dark-skinned one with the ridiculously gorgeous smile-she was also in the “Maybe” video- could SO be my baby mama. Like no lie. Drink milk.)

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: Apparently she’s a half-breed. I didn’t know (or realize) that. She was also homeschooled to focus on her acting career and audition. Just think, her momma kept her out of school so she could focus on her acting career and she got her big break as a video ho. Okay that was harsh, she was the main video girl and shit, but still, methinks she could have gone to regular school.

Panama’s Take on Keshia Knight-Pulliam: It’s strange for me to write this one up, mostly because, well, I went to school with Keshia and have had an actual conversation with her before. Hell, we had some classes together. However, I still have a job to do. And let me tell you, she’s bad. The girl is bad in person. She has a great smile and has a nice little body on her. Plus, who wouldn’t like to say they messed with Rudy from The Cosby Show??? A lot of us grew up with her and wanted to get in her bloomers as we all progressed through life and puberty. Well now, she’s putting her bloomers on display for the world in some often circulating pictures on the Internet. Yo, do you realize that even Raven Simone has some rather provocative pictures on the Net too? Them damn Cosby kids boy…lies, all lies, lest we forget about the little Lisa Bonet (girl you so fine) incident. Either way, Keshia is bangin like two Africans playing some kettle drums at a firing range.

Random ass “trivia” found on the Internet: Graduated from Spelman College in 2001 with a degree in sociology. What a good school. She also won the celebrity edition of The Weakest Link…not sure if that makes her the weakest link or not, I suppose I should have actually watched the show.

Panama’s Pick: Lauren London
Panama’s Prediction: Lauren London (though I think lil Rudy might pull this out just for curiousity’s sake)
The Champs Pick: Lauren London
The Champs Prediction: Keshia Knight-Pulliam

Make sure you place your picks in the comments section and come back on Friday as we will continue with Round 1 of October Madness 2006 here and at The Champ’s site as we unveil and discuss the Halle Berry bracket and the Nia Long bracket.

And remember, ladies and gentlemen, it’s not a game, it’s a tournament!!!

[Just so you know, if your comment with your picks doesn't show up right away, my comments act funny from time to time and must be approved by me. Fret not, all of your comments will be approved during the day. Your vote counts! This ain't Florida. Vote or die! And make sure that once you vote here, you trudge on over to The Champ's site to place your votes there as well! ]

Uh…yeah.

So quite a few of of you were expecting to come here today and see lots of pictures of rather randy-causing womenses.

And they’re coming. Definitely coming.

There was just a slight snafu at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises and The Royal Youngs, Inc. ( In fact, please head over to The Champs site for some interesting questions about this year’s tournament.)

And I could give you the long explanation of what happened…however, I think I’ve decided to invoke the SRA of 2006.

And what is the SRA of 2006?

It is the Stereotype Reflection Act of 2006. It is the annually passed bill that states that when in need, one may revert to acting out the stereotypes usually associated with one’s rate. Remember, it’s when convenient.

The stereotype being invoked today?? Lateness.

Yes, ninjas being late is a stereotype of much fame.

Now with that said, let me just prepare you all for what is to come. Myself and The Champ have compiled a list of buxom, robust, tantalizing, ooooh-hurt-me, belles of the ball for us to judge strictly on their aesthetic appeal. Yes, ladies and gentlemen…

…this is a tournament that gets to the core of men. None of that personality or dim-bulb non-sense has any place here. I don’t care if Beyonce can’t spell her name. I don’t care if Halle Berry runs people over in broad daylight…AND THEN leaves the scene of the crime. Is she still fine?

If the answer is Hell yeah…then her ability to speak is unimportant.

You see, October Madness is apart of all of us. It is what makes us human. It gets at our core indulgence in things that are shiny and pretty. I like shiny and pretty things. I also like tig ole bitties.

Speaking of Tig Ole Bitties, I heard that Martin is finally coming to DVD in January. Finally.

When we kick this here tournament off, we will bring it. Last year was the inaugural year of October Madness (which is really funny considering it goes well into November…d’oh well), and it was such a resounding success that we just had to bring it back. And we promise not to disappoint. You see, we believe that the children are our future…and that if we teach them well, and let them lead the way…that…

…they will be able to recognize the beauty and splendor (and rumpshakertasticness) that is Kenya Moore.

And by jove, you all did! Yes, The Champ was despondent and downright persnickety that Esther Baxter was eliminated last year…it took the wind right out of his sails…but we realize that above all…we have to keep doing this for every ignorant bastard who ever had an idea that managed to bring out the best of times and the worst of times…

…except here we have no worst of times. Just women. Lots of women. Women who want to win. True, they don’t know they want to win but rest assured, they want to win.

So tomorrow, when we (finally) kick the tournament off, be prepared for muchos grandos fun, entertainment, and downright exploitation. But also be ready to be human, for that’s all we can ask for. It is all that we are.

You and me.

Him and her.

I mean, what would ignorance be without J-G-T. Are you ready when Kingdom Comes?

And because it will inevitabley come to fruition at some point during this tournament in the form of emails, strange IM conversations and lewd late night phone calls of the unflattering kind…

“…what they doin’ hatin’ on us but they never cross….JGT still the company and Panama is the Boss…”

For all the haters, please send all hate mail to: kissourass@stuntinlikemydaddy.com.

And on a completely unreleated sidenote, I’m an avid watcher of the The Wire. Omar is in jail right now…

…which, you know, according to some is a Black gay man’s haven…either that or Morehouse (kiss my ass!)…

…but I’m SO afraid that Omar might die. Like, do you remember how folks felt when Stringer died? I vividly remember hearing every woman in my apartment complex scream at the very moment. It was quite surreal.

I might cry if Omar dies. Thank you.

I also watch Love Actually.

Goodnight and good luck.

Tune in (I’d like to say tomorrow because that’s the plan but we are Black) for October Madness!!! Remember, it’s not a game, it’s a tournament.

Once again it’s on. Coming on Monday for you and yours, come one, come all, it’s the return of the Crooklyn Dodgers…I mean…it’s the return of October Madness!

What is October Madness you say??

Sit back and have a listen.

In the beginning there was light. And on subsequent days, some all knowing all powerful being created lots of cool stuff for us to ruin millions of years later.

However, right before that infamous “Tree of Knowledge” incident and right after Eve put her goodies on display for Adam…

…God created ignorance. I think it happened on the 9th day or something, but it gets very little mention in the Bible.

Or Vanity Fair.

Either way ignorance was conceptualized and realized and not far behind ignorance was exploitation. Perhaps that was the 10th day.

A few (million) years later, God said “Let there be Panama” and out popped a little lightskinneded half-breed on a warm June day in a country known for breaking shit off, something proper-like.

That’s a pun by the way, though I know more than half of you won’t get it.

I’m sexxy enough to know these things, but fret not, we’ll work on colors tomorrow.

Well, one day, this ignorant summamabitch, together with another of his slightly less ignorant but similarly appreciative of exploitation bredren decided that what the world doesn’t do enough of is place the beauty of our sista’s on display. And we decided to do a service…a community service, if you will.

You know, I hear all the time how much women want to get credit for their brains; that men don’t care enough about what’s on their mind as much as we do whats on their bones. And I agree.

But until we figure out how to really care about brains in a constructive, non-sex related manner, T&A is alright with me. I mean, God (or whoever you pray to…assuming you pray) gifted women with curves that drive men nuts right? And wouldn’t it just be rude if no respect was paid to what God has placed on this planet?

I ask of you, wouldn’t that just be wrong?

And the crowd (mostly of men) said, Yay-men.

So with that little nugget in mind, myself (Panama Muhfuckin’) and The Champ laid forth a plan last October. It was a plan not unlike other plans, but a plan that was planned differently than other plans, which would make it unlike other plans, only it wasn’t. We decided that in order to truly appreciate woman…in all of her splendor and glory…and simultaneously cater to our both ignorant and exploitative sides, we put them together and do what people do best in this world…

…judge them.

We’d make a tournament unlike other tournaments. A tournament pitting the cream of the crop (I rise to the top, I never eat a pig because a pig is a cop) against one another, as nature intends it to be.

Survival of the fittest.

So on a cold October night in 2005, we created and put forth to the people, the First Annual October Madness Tournament, completely with PDF brackest and opened the doors for people to vote. And vote they did. Strangely, it seemed that more women were voting than men. And it was only strange because of how many women expressed their disdain for pitting women against one another to determine who was indeed the most banging woman in our tournament.

It turned out to be Kenya Moore by the way. God bless us everyone.

That’ll do, Tiny Tim. That’ll do.

Stacey Dash, Esther Baxter, Halle Berry…BEYONCE!!!!

So get ready, ladies and gentlemen, to argue, debate, discuss, disagree, yell, and be pissed off, because come Monday, The Second Annual October Madness Tournament co-sponsored by the good folks at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises and The Royal Youngs will be bringing you exploitation, ass-oggling, and all around ignorance for you and yours.

We run it just like NCAA Basketball’s March Madness tournament where we’ll pit 32 women against one another in four brackets (regions) and you, the community will be given the opportunity to vote and determine who is the winner of the 2006 Tournament.

Tell a neighbor, tell a friend. Tell your pastor.

And remember, it’s not a game…it’s a tournament!

Monday!