Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises Presents…Panama’s Propositions

I’m Black.

It’s a song. It’s a notion. It’s a culture. It’s a physical trait.

It’s apparently also a reason to act up on a whim. Or at least that’s the thought behind so many stupid ass solutions to problems that arise in public establishments.

Probably thought up by other Black people.

Hence, the AEB: The Anti-Ethnicity Brigade.

What is the AEB? It is the braintrust that comes together to determine how best to prevent shit from occurring when ninjas are involved. You’ve probably dealt with the AEB on more occasions than you realize, you just paid it no mind. You see, the AEB looks at a problem and says, “that problem occurred because ninjas were involved. If we remove the catalyst for ninja-like behavior, we shall have a much safer environment.”

Common sense be damned.

Allow me to example-ize the AEB for you.

Recently, my boy The Doc and I went out to eat for a little late night dinner. We ventured to a Ruby Tuesday’s in Washington, DC’s Gallery Place-Chinatown district. As of late, this area is a hot spot after years of being the not spot.

Well, the Doc and I are drinkers. And as is usually the case, when we chose a restaurant to patronize, we make sure that spirits are available. I usually order Long Island Iced Teas. I like them.

The Doc ordered a Hennessey and Coke. This conversation ensued:

Waiter: Sorry dog, we don’t have Henny or Yac (slangustic for Cognac).

The Doc: Umm…why?

Waiter: We had a brawl in her you know and ninjas were acting up so we don’t sell that anymore.

Me and The Doc look at eachother in puzzled look…then look at the waiter…

Me: But you still sell other liquor right? So you all assume that just because you DON’T give ninjas Henny, they’ll act right? Perhaps we’ll just get souped up on vodka instead then fuck some shit up…Vodka style. Um…that’s dumb.

What you have just witnessed is complete idiocy in practice.

Somebody thought that it would be a good idea to stop serving ninjas Henny because apparently when full of Henny or Yac do we act a fool. I beg to differ. I believe we act a fool with or without liquor.

As we all know, pride is the number one killer of Black males between the ages of birth and death.

Liquor just makes the brawls bigger seeing as how a bunch of drunk ninjas aren’t going to be as accurate or careful as to not hurt themselves as a bunch of sober ninjas would. And even that’s being liberal as a bunch of ninjas in a brawl don’t really care what they damage, drunk or not.

But really, they still sell shots. They still sell vodka and whiskey. I STILL got a Long Island Iced Tea and my boy, The Doc? Just ordered a Jack and Coke.

Have you ever had Jack Daniels? There are white men in Tennessee fighting RIGHT now because they have too much Jack in their system. Oh yes, and Alabama and Mississippi too.

Verse 2, sippin’ on some OE brew…

…so there is an Applebee’s in Bed-Stuy in Brooklyn now. My boy, The Most Shady, lives in Bed-Stuy. When it opened, we both decided that we had to get in there on a Friday night because you KNOW that ninjas in the Stuy don’t know how to act already, so just imagine what could go down at Applebee’s!

Yes, ignorance and trees grow in Brooklyn.

Well, we haven’t made it here on a Friday night, but we did go on a Saturday afternoon. There were 4 of us going, and all three of the males had on hats. We get to the door and the bouncer (yes, a freakin’ bouncer) informs me that I have to remove my hat.

STOP.

Have you been to Applebee’s before? Not to say that it isn’t fine dining, but it’s not fine dining. Shit, I should be able to walk in there with a cut off t-shirt that says “I smack monkeys around like Ike got Tina”. Oh, right, apparently I can as long as I’m not wearing a hat. Now for some reason, this ri-damn-diculous policy made sense to my boys. Which makes no sense to me. It’s fuckin’ Applebee’s. They’re logic was that we’re in Bed-Stuy, which I can only take to mean that potentially you want to stop ninjas from being facially invisible in the attempt that some shit goes down. Fair enough, but no.

Another idea that was thrown out was that it was no different than the club where they have a dress code. Um, bullshit. It’s a fuckin’ restaurant, and not a top shelf one at that. A club has a certain reputation it may be trying to uphold. And that logic MIGHT work at Applebee’s if the waitresses perhaps weren’t tatted up like 50 Cent or gold-chained down like Run-DMC, or weren’t hair weaved up like any ghetto chick.

Further, it’s not a chainwide policy, it’s just that particular Applebee’s. Most likely due to location.

Maybe if they had a dress code as a whole, I’d look at it differently. No hats is not a dress code. I stand by that. Seems like another case of the AEB to me. Trying to say that if we remove hats from ninjas that either 1) we can see the criminals if they try to rob us (which is dumb…who the fuck robs restaurants? but it is Bed-Stuy I suppose anything is possible), or 2) they will act right…

…which we ALL know is just farcical. I could deal with a full dress code better than just removing my hat. Make me take out my removable grill. Or take off the limo-tint sunglasses I’m wearing…or perhaps the Tech-9 that I have under my jacket.

Maybe I’m just optimistic, but I believe that if a ninja wants to act up, he will. We have that kind of spirit. If I want to rob you, then by jove, I’m going to rob you, not because I will be successful, but because I believe in myself and my abilities.

It’s more of a glass half full approach.

I’m well aware that at times one must take the proper precautions to make sure that if you let certain people in, your establishment has at least a 51 percent chance of remaining intact once they leave. Then again, you never know what might set a person off or that the measures you take are actually going to work.

Here’s a straight forward analogy for you: Not serving Hennessey or Cognac in a restaurant in hopes of pre-empting ninja-like behavior while STILL serving all the other spirits (including Tequila and shit), is like using Saran Wrap to give a woman head but then having sex with her without a condom. In 2006.

It was written.

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