“…something ain’t right, it’s the strobelite…” - Dres of Black Sheep, “Strobelite Honey” A Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing

Has this ever happened to you?

You go to the club and meet a woman who looks like Nia Long in the club and when you see her in broad daylight she looks like the broad side of a barn? Or have you met a man in the club who looked like Brad Pitt and when you go out in a well-lit, high traffic and visible, public place, he looks like Michael Chertoff?

By the way, if you have no idea who Michael Chertoff is, you really need to read more. At least crack a newspaper or something.

If this has ever happened to you, then you have become a victim of club goggles. What are club goggles?

Club Goggles. noun. the view that one gets while in a place of hedonistic joy of an object of interest that is skewed by the lighting that might render said object of interest as being more attractive than God has intended them to be. Synonyms: beer goggles, work goggles.

Club goggles are an epidemic in this country. They are the reason that so many first dates go down in flames. You can’t be happy when you get your mind ready for filet mignon and you get steakums. Or you have your soul ready for 2 spicy chicken sandwiches from Checker’s and you get home and they’ve not only only given you one sandwich, but its a daggone fish filet sandwich…AND YOU DON’T EAT FISH.

You see, club goggles are a menace to society. Similar to O’Dog. You see club goggles show no mercy and will shoot anybody. Club goggles, just don’t give a fuck. They come in and swoop your sensibilities and parade your souped up version of a busted person before you numerous times throughout the night and then cause you to hold onto this false image until you go out on a date or something.

As an aside, I’ll bet that if we really tried, and if we took certain interpretation liberties, that we could find a way for all of the 10 commandments to be broken in the club.

Not that I’m a heathen or anything. I just know how to rack up Hell points is all.

So…

Seriously, I’ve been a victim of club goggles on more than one occasion. Luckily, my hesitation at seriously trying to holler at one of the chicks proved correct when I saw the little minion strolling the mean streets of DC a few days later and she looked like a gargoyle.

No lie. What followed was a quick laugh, a longer prayer, and me victoriously throwing my hands in the sky, pointing and saying “You da MAN!!!!”

Chuuch.

Since I’m such a nice fellow, I realize that people need to be aware that club goggles are out there lurking and that with just a little bit of thought, you can avoid waking up next to a woman who looks like Jabba The Hut. Of course, if that’s your thing, then hey, by all means, do you. Or her.

Thing is, you don’t have to be a victim. Here, I’ve comprised 3 simple rules that you can follow to ensure that the person you meet in the club is still the same person you see a few days later. Me, I don’t downward spiraling surprises. If you don’t either, then just follow along.

1. You don’t have to get the number at the spot you meet, you can wait until you have better light.

Think about it. You’re in the club. It’s dark. Your vision had to adjust to being in a dark space. You should realize that if your vision had to adjust, then potentially its adjusted to your interests face as well. Perhaps, finding a more lit part, which will uncoincidentally be better for conversation since we all like to be in the darkest parts of the club t get our inner-perv on, will enable you to actually see what in the hell you are considering adding to your cellphone.

Speaking of cellphones, fuck it, take a picture and look at it in the bathroom. Also, notice if you’re the ONLY dude trying to holler. In this case, numbers don’t lie.

According to Shakira, the hips don’t lie either, but trust me, don’t believe that shit at all.

2. Make sure you leave when she leaves so you can see her outside.

You know, this happened to me recently. I wasn’t actually trying to holler at her anyway, but inside this woman seemed so hot. Outside, she seemed so not. Seeing her outside…

…not a good look. Went from a Darkness 8 to a Lightness 6. I’m talking in under 10 minutes too. That’s the difference in bragging about what you’re bringing home to meet he parents and not even telling your boys about meeting her.

“We don’t date 6’s” 3. A.C.A.F.

It’s a simple acronym that more people should be aware of, even if just for safety reasons. Who knew it would be helpful in the club as well. You’d never believe how a simple technological innovation would be able to keep you from knocking up a busted ass woman, or sleeping with a man who looks like the ugly version of an ugly person. Which is actually possible. In fact, I know this chick from undergrad who is recognized as being quite the unattractive woman. In what can only be described as a glitch in the ugly matrix, I found the unattractive version of the busted chick.

It was a dark day. Which is funny since we’re speaking of club goggles and its usually caused due to darkened conditions in the club.

What was I talking about again? Ah yes…A.C.A.F.

Quite simple actually and will solve all your problems.

Always Carry A Flashlight.

That, mi compadres, will solve all your problems.