Babies.

Babies babies everywhere, up to my elbows, up to my hair.

One of the greatest gifts God has bestowed upon humankind is the ability to reproduce. True indeed, there really should be some kind of screening process before two people are allowed to actually procreate…but then again, if that was the case how on Earth would we get some of the asstastic messes of families that we have today. The Whitney-Bobby Brown’s come to mind as do the Jackson’s and the Williamses’. Basically, we need the variety and mess that is some families in order to make the rest of our lives interesting.

Hell, if there was a screening process, there’d be no vh1 Behind The Music specials, and you know how entertaining those are.

Oh, how I digress.

So it seems like many people around me are either getting married or having kids. Funny how it seems that nobody is doing both, it’s pretty much either/or. Long live different value systems!

[***Sidenote: You know how a lot of older generation individuals think that us youth are going to Hell in a handbasket, what with all the out of wedlock births and teenage mothers? Well, I think that if we did some kind of scientific study comparing, say, the 1950's with the current era, we might not find much of a difference in both sheer number or proportion. Do you want to know what the only differnece between then and now was? It's that there is now a soundtrack to absentee daddies and teenage mothers: rap music. Hell, we have songs about being a "babby daddy" and "baby momma" and a lot of the ignorance that used to be contained in the home now has an outlet via Ignant Niggas International (insert random ignant nigga record label here) Records. Yep, the revolution might not be televised, but it sure as hell with have a soundtrack, Jack! ***]

I’m very happy for all of my friends with new children or spouses. I’m just not ready in the slightest to be there. In fact, I’m very okay with the fact that I have no real desire to be married right now. And kids? Umm…no. In fact, let’s talk about this.

I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf of sorts. I’ve discovered the most effective sex-deterrent in history: my nieces and nephews. And no, I don’t mean safe sex-deterrent. I mean altogether sex-deterrent. As in, not gonna happen. As in, stay away from me you baby-harboring Kangaroo! I love my nieces and nephews. They’re the most adorable fluorescent children you’ve ever seen.

Until I have to babysit them and watch them and break up fights and try not to kill them.

So my new leaf is one of total abstinence. To tell the truth, that’s pretty easy being as I’m not much of a manwhore anyway. But there’s something one must realize about my newfound leafage. It has jack shit to do with trying to get closer to my spiritual self or finding myself or any of that other malarkey that so many people come up with as to why they want to rediscover their inner virgin. Nope, for me…it’s pure and total fear.

I, Panama Jackson, am afraid of being a daddy right now because little kids never stop moving/talking/yelling/screaming/running/etc. I would lose my mind with a child at this juncture. And my nieces and nephews are great kids, so I can’t even imagine what I’d do with horrible devil spawns.

This also brings up another situation. See, deciding to abstain for fear of procreating period, not even with some woman I could marry, is bound to cause problems. When you reach a certain age, many women have “needs”, if you know what I mean. Heh heh.

*wink wink* *nudge nudge*

I can just see that conversation now. Hell, I kind of HAD that conversation a long time ago with a woman who was soon to become my girlfriend. At that point I was giong through something very similar. Needless to say, she was understanding but wasn’t really having that.

But have you any idea how I feel right now? At 1118pm Central Standard Time?

I feel like this:

If I’m dating some woman and she decides that she is going to get her some (from me) and isn’t taking me serious…I will just have to break up with her.

Mmhmm.

Shoot. She obviously doesn’t care about me. It’s like a woman trying to get you to have sex raw dog. I might have to jack slap her for that shit. If you think that’s okay, you quite clearly do not care about me or my well-being. And for that you are a selfish asshole who should be shot. But since I live in DC where owning a handgun is both illegal and frowned up (!) I’ll just either kick you the fuck out of my place or leave your spot.

I mean, is it such a crime if His Royal Sexxiness would prefer to just stand on opposite sides of the room and throw little popcorn kernels at one another for fear of potentially bringing a little Panamista or Panamanuel into this world? I think not.

Hell, that sounds like a good date to me!

(Dude, I’m so joking.)

But really, is it a crime if I want to wait? If a woman brought that to me I’d be respectful of it and wouldn’t even question it…UNLESS…she has told me that she’s trying to wait until marriage knowing full gotdamn well that she’s had her back broke more times than the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Because then, I’m just insulted.

At least come to me with a good reason…and that whole, “doing everything but doing nothing shit”? That’s for Toucan Sam and the NBC Peacock.

Luckily, that won’t be a problem for me anymore. My siblings’ offspring have opened up my eyes to the Hell that can be parenting. For now anyway, because I would like to have children, and as I’ve stated before, I have to have a daughter so I can raise my Queen to be the artful Goddess of her skin tone.

Hmm, I hope my wife doesn’t end up hating me…or my daughter.

Yet, I digress once more.

Babies are great, but I don’t think I could handle it right now. And though I’ve been dealing with 3 at a time, even one might require a wee bit more footspeed and reaction time than I have right now. Single with singles? That’s how I get down right now.

Off to the strip club where the women provide all the fantasy and never touch you (in most states unless you go to high priced rooms and that just isn’t my style…)

To strippers!

Cheers.

Women with my well-being in mind.