“He gon’ think I’m a hoe…” - chick from “The Morning After” skit on The Love Below

That has nothing to do with anything. It’s just something I wanted to put up there for whatever reason.

I do my thing thing, son son.

Just like with last week, I’m gonna do a recap of sorts of the Open Mic event that went down last night in the form of things that I learned. You know, there may come a time where I don’t learn shit anymore at these. Perhaps all of the knowledge that is to be gained will have been gained therefore be ungainable, not to be confused with unbreakable (which managed to be both a horrible movie AND song…who’d a thunk it), but just not gainful like employment. Yes, sometimes I write things because I like to hear myself type.

*click* *click*

Let us begin.

10 Things I Learned At The Stock 13 Open Mic While Trying To Remember The Scientific Equation for Work

1. When I’m wrong, I’m very wrong.

A few days ago, I emailed Russ (the promoter AKA “The Man”) telling him that I thought last night would be slim on numbers. For those that don’t, Washington, DC, has been overrun by the men of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc. Further, there was a step show last night. DC has quite the educated Black professional crowd and lots of alumni of colleges, both HBCU and un-HBCU, which means that there are a whole shitload of Greek folks in DC. Hell, for a time, I thought it was a requirement that every Delta spend at least one year living in DC since you can’t throw a rock around here without hitting a car with a DST license plate something or other on it.

All that to say, I thought everybody would be out at the step show. Fast forward to 930pm. Three words:

Standing. Room. Only.

And even that might be underselling the point. That place was so packed with people. Young, old, white, black. I even think I saw a small chihuahua trying to gain admission, but he wasn’t on the guest list so we turned him away. Hell, there were Alphas there. I figured they’d be out doing Alpha things. Nope, they were at the Open Mic. So, Russ, I was wrong. You were right.

Score: Russ - 1. Panama - 0.

2. I’m now a firm believer in stereotypes.

People say it isnt right to stereotype. To those people I say, fuck you. Not that I’m exactly sharing anything new, but Black folks are the LATEST muhfuckas on the planet. I’m starting to believe its coded in our DNA. Perhaps my myriad attempts at punctuality are merely a mask for the fact that I really want to be late but I’ve been socialized to think that being on time is necessary. So why do I say all of this?

Doors open at 6pm, right? Well, I know getting somewhere at 6pm is difficult. Hell, I can’t even get there by 6pm. So what do you do to bring people early? Drink specials. Free food. Or the capper: Open bar.

We had an open bar and there were like 8 people there from 6-7pm. Maybe 11 people. See, this is why I thought we’d be slim on numbers as well. Add to the fact that by 815pm, I had MAYBE 5 people on the list to perform, be it comedy or open mic, in TOTAL.

By 845pm? I’m having to turn people away. All of a sudden folks want to come up and holla at the kid (Panama Jackson, perhaps you’ve heard of him) to get on the list.

We usually get started between 815pm and 830pm. Do you know what time we’d LIKE to start? 7 something.

And its because Black people are late and are in turn making the white people late too! I think that’s what Bill Cosby said…something like that.

3. If you’re a comedian and you show up and tell the same jokes week after week, say, like, three times in a row, I will begin to hate you.

Well, I suppose that kind of said it all, didn’t it?

4. I don’t have patience for overly arrogant fuckers who like to tell me how I need to be doing things.

Have you ever met somebody who told you what you should do to make your shit better, but do it in a way that totally turns you off? Probably, huh? I meet them all the time. Fuck them. Let’s just say that I only listen to one person in the entire place when it comes to how we’re gonna do shit, Russ. Any other muhfucka who comes up to me and tells me what I should do because of what he brings to the table and how he can singlehandedly keep people coming back despite any proof can essentially kiss my ass. And make my shit list.

5. Apparently I missed out on the best opportunity in life to score women, the ability to sing.

Let me tell you something. A black man that can sing, even in a cave, will get the women screaming and shit. There’s this cat that got up and sang named Brandom Neloms. Well apparently, he has quite the fandom because as soon as I even mentioned his name women started screaming.

The last time somebody screamed because I was on the mic, somebody got stabbed behind me.

Okay, thats not really true…nobody screamed for me then either.

6. Mic Fields is a bad man.

Mic Fields (MySpace page here) is this cat from UVA who comes and is part of the closing of the Open Mic part every week. Last night, he had that shit ROCKING. Performance is such a big part of any artists repertoire that if you suck on that end, well, you essentially suck period. That is not a problem for him. He did two songs and both of them got a great response. I had planned on hyping him up a little after he got off stage but he shut shit down so thoroughly I didn’t have to say anything. I feel like if they weren’t already fans, he probably made quite a few new fans. He’s a good dude, and he definitely laid it down last night.

7. Speaking of laying it down, the band, Cut The Check, is a group of talent mofo’s.

Last night I really listened to them play. I’m usually running around talking to everybody when they do their opening set and when folks perform and use them I tend to be focused on something else. But last night I really listened and watched as they on the spot learned a song Mic Fields brought in by doing what??? Listening to the shit on his iPod. And they cold rocked it. Talented cats for real.

8. DC has some funny ass comedians.

So, for the comedy part of the night, we tend to bring in people specifically. It’s not as much of a comedy open mic as the other part may seem. Mostly because we want folks to laugh so some scouting work has been done to bring folks in. I can’t find websites for both of them, but these cats Eddie B. (who hosts a joint at U-Turn every Sunday from 6 to and Seaton Smith (who hosts a joint at Bossa Nova in Adams Morgan every Thursday at like 9pm) were funny as hell to me. Seaton especially because he made mention of the fact that he isn’t gangsta because he wears flip flops.

Talk about truth. I have a whole theory behind that myself so it was just good to know that me and Michael Jackson aren’t the only ones who are not alone.

Randomly speaking, do you know that my sexxy was questioned last night? Me and this young lady who was part of the event (in fact I’ll get to that next) were having a full out debate about who was sexxier. She started polling people and all the women were like, I have to side with my sister and dudes, well, are dudes. I demand a damn recount. You see, nobody said I wasn’t sexxier, they just didn’t want to answer.

Similarly, I had on a tshirt last night that might be one of the most ignorant shirts I’ve worn in a long time. And I do ignant. It’s my forte. The shirt said “I Support Single Moms” and had a picture of a chick on a stripper pole. Boy, folks either hated or loved that shirt. Seems that more people loved it. I suppose ignorance is at an all time high in this country.

And I for one…am proud.

9. Clubbing for charity always seems to bring out more people.

The young lady who questioned my sexxy was there with a guest list of lots of people who were there to donate money to a charity (the chartiy eludes me right now). I’ve noticed this in my club going experiences…when folks can get drunk for a cause, they seem to be more likely to support it. It’s like, folks don’t want to make club owners richer, but they’ll get fucked up on some Patron for children in Africa. Such seems to be the case. The last two events we had which were jam packed had a list for donations for a cause. And it helps to bring people out. Nevermind the clear conflict of interest in getting drunk to raise money for a battered woman’s shelter (that wasn’t the case or charity last night). I just think its great that folks will party if they know its for a good cause.

Moral of the story: Before you throw your next party, get a damn charity to support.

10. You should probably come party with us if you’re in DC.

Seems like a folks have a good time. Potentially you want to have a good time as well. If you’re looking for something to do on a Wednesday night, you should probably fall through. Seems like a no-brainer to me. Then again I’m sexxier than most so what is a no-brainer for me might not be for the masses.

*snicker*

And Lysette Titi…has a wonderful voice and she sang my song, “Young, Sad, and Blue” and I was happy as a pig in slop. She has some good songs and had my ass going groupie for a good second until I realized that I am…Panama Jackson.

Stock 13 Open Mic at Bohemian Caverns…it goes down.