A long time ago, I crafted a manual on how to obtain the second “X” in your sexxiness. Being as I’m the official purveyor and ace numero uno when it comes to laying down that sexxaliciousness, I figured that I’d share. And if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times, sharing is caring.

In fact, here is a link to the aforementioned, currently being mentioned again, and will be mentioned once more so it can now and forever be men-tioned: Panama “Mr. Oh So Sexxy” Jackson’s Guide To Obtaining Your Second “X”

Be apprised of the knowledge that I bring forth. Be apprised.

Yay-men.

Well, just as with any situation where you put knowledge out into the atmosphere, there is a flipside to such knowledge. You can’t become sexxy without having the ability to just become “sey”.

Yes, you can become unsexxy, similary known as “sey”, very easily. You see, sexxy is a state of mind. But Idaho? That’s a state in the USA.

Hey, click here.

*snicker*

Losing your “x’s” is a problem. And it should be avoided at all costs. Now some people just aren’t sexy. Which means that they probably can’t be sexxy even if they tried. But if you have some sexy-ness about yourself and hence some sexxy-ness then it is wholly possible that you’re sexxy and your sexy is full of sex appeal which is why we’re here today on the Eve of Adam.

Get it?

Got it?

Good.

So let us begin.

Panama Jackson Presents…How To Lose Your “X” In 10 Minutes Or Less

1. Have the most Gawdawful walk on Earth

This is more for the ladies. Some women have very sexxy walks. Some women just walk. Which is fine. Then there are some women who walk like it hurts. And that, is not sexxy. You see, you get points for having a sexxy walk and neither gain nor lose points for having a non-memorable walk. But if you walk towards me looking like King Kong just got finished putting a hurting on your ass…and we both know King Kong doens’t exist…I will find you to be in contempt of sexxy.

Guilty. Go holla at Forrest Gump, beyotch.

2. Be Colorblind…On a Tuesday

You know what is really unsexxy? People who do a juuuuuust a little bit too much for no apparent reason. You know the people who are hell bent on making those three shades of pink match. You know what I’m talking about. Folks who go one step past fly into OHMYFUCKINBEHEEFUS. I live in Washington, DC. It’s been hot as THE FUCK here for the past few weeks. Not to be confused with hot as fuck which is a little bit cooler and more tolerable than hot as THE FUCK. You see, the latter has capital letters and everything.

So why, oh why, did I see on Saturday, as a friend of mine and I were sitting outside on my stoop watching the cars drive by did we see a man driving a mini-van in 98 degree heat with a button up long sleeved blue and yellow shirt with an off color ass sweater vest on. In the summer. With the windows rolled down.

You see? Doing too much. Un sexxy. I’m sure that dude shriveled up somewhere and exploded into a pile of hot ass black dust. And rigthtly so. He is stupid. And thereby, unsexxy.

3. Since we already started down this path…be dumb. And not as in “go dumb” like you’re from the Yay area either. I mean as in, “books don’t do shit for me” dumb.

Stupidity is the easiest path to unsexxiness. Not being able to point out where you live on a map will not only not win you a date with Tad Hamilton, it will unwin you a date, conversation, and chance at the firstborn of Panama Jackson. And I know women hate dumb men.

For real though, I’ll never understand how folks can date really stupid people. I start to get hives when people who are afraid of information come into my sphere. It’s the quickest way to go from “oh she’s fine” to “i’ll break her off if she never speaks.”

That’s true by the way, but they always speak.

4. Key My Car

Oops…that’s a leftover from the “How To Get Your Ass Beat In 10 Minutes or Less” list…

This does bring up a question though: why in the FUCK do women think its okay to key a man’s car? I got into a spirited debate with a young lady the other night about this. She felt she was justified because of all the bad shit he’d done. Now did her ex deserve some payback? Potentially. But I just don’t think keying a man’s car is going to get the point across. He will not learn. He will just be pissed.

Word to the wise, if I see somebody keying my car? Beat. Down.

Aha…

4. Just Be Annoying

I don’t care how attractive you are in theory. If you are annoying, you are not sexxy in practice. Period. Point blank.

Luckily, most supremely attractive women aren’t overly annoying since they spend so much time being fine that they don’t get the option to be annoying since they spend so much time being annoyed at the annoying fruitflies. Kind of addition by subtraction, if you know what I mean.

Perhaps you don’t.

You should read more.

5. Be an Un-fun Asshole

I’m an asshole. It’s been proven time and time again. Some say its part of my charm because at least I’m not mean. I tend to skew towards funny. And for all you people who only listen to people like Paul Wall, skew is similar to leaning, except smart people use it to make mention of the fact that their biases lean them in a particular way.

For instance, Fat Joe could have easily renamed the song “Lean Back” to “Skew”. You see, Fat Joe’s dancing tendencies seem to skew towards backwards motions. Hence, he leans back. See, skew.

Long shot? You bet your ass it was.

Education…Panama Jackson style.

Anyway, being an unfun asshole, you know the kind that makes other people mad and manages to lose friends at amazing rates, is definitely unsexxy. If this is you, go die.

6. If you’re a woman, never smile

You cannot be sexxy if you never smile. It is written. It is spoken (or would be if not for the fact that this whole online thing is causing people to have to read this…but I’ll tell you though).

I like women with happy demeanors and smiles. I always have. That’s not to suggest that I haven’t dated women who don’t smile so often, but smiling is a definite plus. However, if you never smile, I will think you are an asshole, and an un-fun one at that.

Once again, fine in theory. Unfine in practice. Show them pearly whites.

(Do you realize how, like, none of this, has anything to do with 10 minutes or less??)

7. Be one of those assholes who never knows what they want to do but rejects every idea that gets tossed into the ring.

Umm…this is just a personal pet peeve of mine. Hence, I will remove some sexxy from you for that shit. Either put up or shut the fuck up. In fact, all people like this should be placed on House Arrest, STAT. Can you imagine though how funny that would be? What if we put all of those people in a room together with one of those 1000 item menus from a chinese carryout. Would they all just eventually starve to death or would somebody finally get so pissed that they’d attempt to storm out except we’d have Jerry’s Angels keeping them all in the house causing them to be even more pissed while no decisions ever get made? Seems like bedlam to me. What’s the over/under on the amount of time it would take for somebody to get stabbed? My money is on 8.4 minutes.

8. Be unable to laugh at yourself

If you’re the type of person that always gets pissed when folks laugh at you for doing stupid shit, you’re not sexxy. In fact, you’re probably really annoying (see #4), probably an asshole (see #5), and if you’re a woman you probably never smile (see #6). Hence, you are unsexxy and probably don’t have any real friends.

That was harsh wasn’t it.

Well so is life bitch. So is life.

9. Always being a late bastard

I’m sorry, but constantly late people cannot be sexxy. If you forego my time for your own personal gain I will want to run you over with my car. Since that’s against the law for some reason, I will just never speak to you again. And remove all of your Kool-Aid points and all available X’s in your bank account.

My cup runneth over…and over…and over. I just felt like writing that.

Honestly though, I do not understand constantly late people. It makes little to no sense to me. If you say you’re going to be somewhere at 8pm, then getting there at 930pm is late and you should be bludgeoned with a hunk of lard. Of course this doesn’t apply to club situations but anything else? Oh yeah…I will hate you.

And finally, the last way (that I can think of right now and I’m really pulling some of this out of my ass) to lose your sexxy is this:

10. Not listen to Panama Jackson when he drops jewels and nuggets and pints of knowledge.

I am sexxy. Therefore I know what sexxy is. Therefore, if you don’t listen to Mr. Oh So Sexxy, how can you rightfully expect to be sexxy. You can’t, that’s how.

I have spoken.

Go forward with this information and do with it what you may, but just remember, sexxy is a state of mind…

…but you can so fuck it up in any of the other 50 states.

(And yes there are different rules for European sexxy. European sexxy allows men to dress like women. And that is just not right over here and shouldn’t be right anywhere. But you know, they’re European…)

This entry was posted on Monday, July 24th, 2006 at 10:39 am and is filed under Panama's How-To's. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.