Have you ever been to the club and wanted to straight mollywop the DJ for being hands down the worst you’ve ever heard in your life?

That was me on Friday night.

I’m still pissed about it.

Let me paint you a picture.

A crowd of black people standing still. At 2am. While music is playing. Nary a drunk enough person in sight. People looking at one another in one accord as if to say, “this DJ fuckin’ sucks.”

If you’re young, gifted, and Black (and haven’t committed suicide in New York City in 1979…I’m still bitter about that), and live in Washington, DC, then mayhaps you’ve ventured to Ozio’s on a Friday evening.

Who am I bullshitting? You’ve probably been there more times than you care to admit. I don’t think I’ll be going back there anytime soon.

Since the inception of digital turntables, many DJ’s are now able to just bring a laptop and their turntables to the club and they have their sounds prepared ahead of time. Such was the case with this DJ. He dipped out for a good hour and played his tracklist. And do you know what that means?

It means this dude was playing entire songs. But it wasn’t entire songs you wanted to hear. He was playing 6 minute versions of songs like Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin”…fuck that…do you know what’s WORSE than that???

Check it.

You know how some album versions of songs fade out and turn into an interlude. Good googly moogly we were listening to interludes up in the club. Standing around like, “why the fuck am I listening to an interlude?”

AND.

He played all the good current shit around midnight when we got there. Ozio’s ain’t close til 3am. Or so I believe since I left at 2 something and slapped the bouncer on the way out.

My favorite song of 2006 is Yung Joc’s “It’s Going Down”. Fuck you. That song is bananas in the club. He played it at midnight. Never again.

In fact, he didn’t play a recently popular song from about 1230am til we left. This dude played Puffy and Mase “Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down” (which I love) but still, folks would rather have heard something a little more recent.

AND.

I hate reggaeton. But I can take it in spurts. For a straight hour though? When NOBODY is dancing to it? El fuckboy needed to be shot.

Who doesn’t play recent shit towards the end of the night? I say who????

Horrible ass DJ’s. That’s who!

Somehow I think Jim Jones was responsible.

Now, prior to heading there me and mi compadres were up in Silver Spring at the Austin Grill. For those not in the know, its a country western spot with killer drinks. They have a live band playing country music. The country music there was 10 times better than the DJ at Ozio’s.

Let’s take it a step further.

On Saturday I went to the Annual White Party that is thrown in DC (actually it was in Nowhere, Maryland). My boy DJ’d that party. That party was off the fuckin’ hook music-wise. Of course, we were all in white so the bougieness stepped up to the plate but it was fun. This is about the DJ though. My boy, knows the concept of the club-banger. He laid it down.

That party? The DJ was on point. And was a good 20 times better than the DJ at Ozio’s.

After the White Party, we somehow ended up in Adams Morgan at The Diner. The music they had playing in The Diner??

30 times better than the DJ at Ozio’s. And I heard Phil Collins “Sussudio”.

Don’t sleep. Phil Collins is the man.

Speaking of which, Bobby Brown’s “Don’t Be Cruel” album? I’m taking a stand. That’s the best R&B album ever created.

Discussion? Buh-ring it.

All this to say, I went to numerous spots this weekend…OOOOH OOOOOH…I forgot.

The nigga’s driving down my street in DC blasting their music as loud as possible?? Way better than the shitty as DJ in Ozio’s.

In life, the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen might be a bunch of sober black people praying for a good song to come on so you don’t have to fake being hype to Kris Kross’s “Jump”. Nostlagia only takes you so far.

It felt like we were being held hostage to the rhythms. Or maybe he was just fucking with us.

All I know is that the DJ tried to kill us.

Everybody mambo!