Men do evil.

It’s sometimes referred to as the evil that men do.

I’m sure you’ve heard of it.

The men who do evil, who are notoriously famous for being the executors of the evil that men do, tend to be the rue of the Earth.

Let’s see. There was Hitler. No explanation needed there. There was Jim Jones, who despite his misgivings as a crazed lunatic who convinced hundreds of people to die in Panama, is responsible for making a ghetto brand a household name. For it is Jim Jones who caused the coinage of the now age-old adage, “You won’t get me to drink that Kool-Aid.”

The downside there is that Kool-Aid, on its own merits isn’t exactly a nutritious morning supplement, but still, it’s Kool-Aid. How can you ruin Kool-Aid for everybody by killing people with it? That’s just evil. Seriously, on the list of fucked up things to do in life, using Kool-Aid to kill people (despite the poison added, it was still Kool-Aid) just seems wrong on a fundamental level. Luckily, we’ve moved on past the Jim Jones Kool-Aid connotation and children everywhere are able to enjoy it without thinking of cults and mass death, but still.

As you can see, the whole Kool-Aid things really bothers me.

You’re probably thinking to yourself right now, “Self, what in the hell is this uber-sexxy fellow speaking of?”

A-ha.

Well, amongst the throngs of evildoers who have passed over this Earth, there are a few men (and women) who do not get enough attention for their evil deeds. And I for one don’t think that’s fair. As any God-fearing, justice driven individual would do, I feel that it is my duty to bring those deeds to the limelight. I’m speaking of the creators of…

…low-rise jeans.

Evil.

Let that Titanic for a second.

*listening to “My Beautiful Sinking Ship” by Devics*

Maybe it’s just me, but a cool 97% of women who wear low-rise jeans needn’t wear low-rise jeans. I don’t know? Any takers?

In America, we have a problem. There’s a reason Arnold “The Governator” Schwarzenegger was placed on the damn committee for physical fitness back in the day. It’s because we tend to be largely out of shape. Low-rise jeans exploit this losing effort in the Battle of The Bulge by causing women who know good and got damn well that they have no business wearing anything that will accentuate their mid-sections to wear them and mushroom around their jeans. I mean extra back fat and shit that forms a muffin-top like effect surrounding the jeans.

Essentially I’ve seen women walking around looking like mushrooms.

And that is just wrong.

Yes, this might offend some of you. But no, I don’t give a shit. Granted it’s mostly younger white women who seem to not get the memo on when it is appropriate to wear certain clothing, but I’ve seen black women do it.

And even worse, I’ve seen MEN wearing low-rise jeans. And I don’t mean niggas sagging either (which seems to have almost pretty much fallen to the wayside everywhere except in the South).

Hmm…

I’d like to personally put out a moratorium on niggas starting clothing lines. I don’t mean printing up t-shirts, I mean full fledge clothing lines. Just stop. I just read yesterday that F-A-B-O-lous has started a new clothing line called “Ric Yung” (pronounced “rich young”). All these niggas swear they’re doing something different.

They.

Are.

Not.

They all wear the same shit. Whatever Jay-Z says to wear. With the exception of Kanye, Pharrell, and Andre 3000, I don’t want ‘nan other nigga to start a clothing line ever again.

Stop it.

So yes, low-rise jeans and their creators are just evil. They know that women want to expose themselves. Before the Great Apple Incident of Way B.C. men and women were frolicking through the garden bucky-nakey doing cartwheels and jumping jacks. I find it hard to believe that some of that free-spiritedness that resurfaced in the 1960’s hasn’t managed to make its way into our collective eternal psyches. So women will continue walking around looking like mushrooms, making fashion faux pas after fashion faux pas.

It’s just not sexxy. And it counters that whole, “I don’t want to look fat” mantra that so many women wear so proudly. Know your body and know your limitations. It’s one thing to not care what people think. I applaud that spirit. It’s something altogether to not care what people think at the detriment of other people. Not wearing deodorant, or not bathing regularly, or not being able to wash clothes come to mind. Similarly, I can’t not look at a chick with her midriff exposed, especially if it makes me want to go buy some fungus.

Further, your thong does not make me happy if its been lost amidst a roll or two. And I’m not talking dinner rolls.

Though your bad decision might make me want to go eat a dinner roll since that’s what you’re sharing, rolls.

Don’t you see the evil here?

Similarly vying for a place in Hell would be the makers of clothing for little girls that has writing on the hindparts.

Yes, those fuckers deserve to be shot.

For one, it almost seems to ASK for pedophilistic attention. For two, as the educated, reading rainbow pushing brotha that I am, I read everything. And unfortunately, that has included checking out the words sprawled across women’s derriere. I do my best to not pay attention to words written on the asses of what seem to be young women because I feel like somebody might be looking at me and point and yell and then the next thing you know, I’m on some damn registry in Vermont.

Thing is, I don’t even understand it as a fashion thing. Women claim to hate when men only pay attention to their assets, yet if you have words written on them, or are wearing a skin tight shirt with writing on it…well, you’ve given me an excuse to check you out. If you get pissed off that I’m not paying attention to your eyes but your ass, then that’s your fault. Don’t put the words “Enter here” on your ass.

Just don’t do it.

Ass writing = no-no.

The creators of said fashion designs and the like deserve to be backhanded with rickets. They have caused undue pain, offense, and confusion to many a person and they are just wrong. Thank you.

For the legions of women who can wear low-rise jeans, keep bangin’. You are a testament to gyms or good genes everywhere. I appreciate seeing your thongs and the way your jeans hang off your hips. In fact, thank you for having discernible hips. It’s clearly an art, not a right.

I salute you.