I don’t know if this happens to anybody else so frequently, but I go through moments where my mind travels through various and sundry realms causing me to start a thought with Halle Berry and ending up thinking about the Cuban Missile Crisis or the Bay of Pigs Incident.

Knowledge is power. So, such as the case, I decided to just share. You’re welcome.

Oh yeah, Happy Cinqo de Mayo. Everybody hug a Mexican and then dap them up for whooping some French ass back in 1862.

-I think next week here at JGT Headquarters, I’m going to make it Hip-Hop Week. For a week straight, I’m going to do hip hop related posts. What that means is that I’m doing mostly personal hiphop related stuff, such as my 10 favorite hiphop albums of all time, which is a much harder undertaking than you might realize. Envision trying to find the cure for AIDS. That’s how hard it is going to be for me to do this. I’m just saying be prepared. I might even rev up the old rusty radio blog over there to the right and throw in some music to work to. I’m sexxy.

-You know what amazes me right now? It’s this notion that Lil Wayne AKA Weezy F. Baby (please say the Baby) is this lyrical, supernice rapper and shit, when in truth: he is not. He’s all swagger now. Have you actually listened to his past few singles? I mean he is saying pure and utter nothingness, but it sounds good. Now, on his past album The Carter (the first one) he was on some super lyrical shit then. Hell, it’s in my car right now and I’m actually impressed by his wordplay. Now…his rapping is about on par with them Laffy Taffy niggas, except he has the personality and swagger of Jay so its okay. And the Fireman song…not hot. That shit was the anti-hot.

-I have a confession to make. I only ask that after I make this confession, you don’t view me differently, nor judge me solely on this one admission. Peaches and herb, nigga. Peaches and herb.

Anyway, my confession is as follows: I, Panama Dontavious Jackson, not of the Gary, Indiana, Jacksons admit that I hereby like Nick Lachey’s song “What’s Left of Me” and further, own a copy of his new album, which I find to be actually pretty damn good. Seriously, I didn’t realize what a good songwriter he really is.

At this point, this admission should not be so strange given that I have admitted to liking: Omarion, Ray J, You Got Served!, Baby Boy, Hillary Duff, Brandy…well, I suppose you get the point by now.

-I also like Jagged Edge.

-I’ve gotten some strange emails lately. Apparently some people take the shit that I say on this here corner of the internet literally at all times. The problem that presents is that some people actually take offense AND TELL ME ABOUT IT. I guess nobody learnt them about me and folks taking offense to me. Well there are two ways I can handle that: 1) I can attempt to curb some of the statements and comments I’ve made (which have been rather tame by my past standards); OR…2) I can do what I’m going to do. Say fuck you and keep it moving pimpin’.

Shit, I just told you what I was gonna do but haven’t actually done it.

*clearing throat*

Fuck you. I’m gonna keep it moving.

“…quit trynna censor music this is for your kids amusment/but don’t blame me when little Eric jumps off of the terrace/you should have been watching him/apparently you ain’t parents…” -Eminem, “I Never Knew”, The Marshall Mathers LP

-Marriage season amongst my friends is kicking off at the end of this month and I couldn’t be happier. I have no less than 4 close friends of mine getting hitched this summer and one of my boy is finishing up a Ph.D. in Biomedical Engineering. Talk about overjoyed? I’m so happy I pledge to get at the VERY least tipsy at each one of the events that I attend. At my boy’s Ph.D. graduation…I’m getting drunk. Who knew black people got married and got Ph.D.s? Not me. I thought we all just had kids out of wedlock and stayed dumb for extend periods of time.

-Speaking of going dumb…I want somebody to stop trying to beat me over the head with “hyphy” music. For those not in the know, it’s a music style out of the Bay area in Cali. You know what the problem with hyphy music is? Come a little closer to the screen so you can read my words very loudly. You there? K.

THERE IS NOTHING EVEN REMOTELY DISTINCTIVE ABOUT IT. It will not catch on as a national trend because it doesn’t sound any different than shit else coming out of the South. And do you know why that is?? Come a little closer again.

BECAUSE LIL JON IS THE NIGGA PRODUCING THE DAMN SONGS.

The biggest commercially successful hyphy songs were done by Lil Jon. Further you know your shit isn’t distinctive when in every video, you actually put the words hyphy so people will realize that what they are indeed listening to is hyphy music. Oh, and that’s pronounced “hy-phee”. Hell, Keak Da Sneak, one of the “kings” of hyphy put the damn definition up on one of his videos. Not a good sign for hyphy. Just stop. Nobody had to put the word crunk in videos…it was just understood. And it had a distinctive style.

-Speaking of Kead Da Sneak, is it me (for the people that actually know who he is, I’m aware it might be 2 people outside of the Bay area), or is he the most non-intelligble rapper ever. To this day, I haven’t been able to understand a damn verse of his. The funny thing is, I’ve had people tell me they like him, further proof that rap is more personality driven than it is about actual rapping. I think its time for Andre 3000 to drop that album with dogs wailing in the background to platinum success.

-Though I really like the song, “Go Dumb (The Hyphy Version)” by E-40 and Keak Da Sneak. I might be committing rap blasphemy by saying this, but I HATE E-40. You will never be able to convince me that he is a good rapper. Especially not with lines like this:

“Jesus Christ had dreads so shake ‘em/I ain’t got none but I’m planning on growing some…”

…further, the liar is sitting in a barbershop chair getting his hair cut in the video. Good times.

-PSA: If you have a MySpace page and you’re a government official, do not put your name, phone number, on it and do not cavort with 14 year old girls in Florida in attemps to get some underaged nookie. You migth be actually cavorting with an undercover cop. And you might go to jail while the local DC news shows you being taken out of your home in the middle of the night like you’re a black person who did nothing wrong.

-Happy Friday and remember to go hug a Mexican and take a shot of Tequila!

“In all of my experiences of living, most black women dating white men tend to be more on the darker side of the shade tree. I don’t know if lighter women are just on a quest for more color in their children’s lives or what, but you just don’t see that very often. I have a theory on this…” -an excerpt from a post entitled Tired Black Man: Negro Please! courtesy of His Royal Sexxiness and Purveyor of All Things Symbiotically Good aka Panama Jackson

In the comments section of that post, Brick said that she’d like to hear this theory. As the man who makes it a job to give the people what they want, I shall lay out my theory on this.

I’m nice like that. And sexxy enough to do it.

As an aside, me and some of my boys actually have rules on that type of thing, though we break them quite often. One of our rules has been to “always give the people what they want” though it usually involves proliferation of the feminine spirit. Of course, it is only the case when you can do so, i.e. you’re not in a relationship of any sorts or when you won’t step on your God’s toes in the process. And you think Bill Maher started that New Rule shit? We’ve been coming up with new rules since 1997.

Center of Excellence, bitches. Center of Excellence.

Now to the theory.

If you pay attention to most of the interracial black woman-white man couples you see, you’ll probably notice a few things about them. For one, the white man doesn’t usually look like the kind of white dude who would be seriously dating a black woman, Paul Walls of the world excepted. He usually looks more like, Kevin James. Your garden variety regular white dude. This has always baffled me because like any other true blue American, I succumb to racial stereotypes just like the next person, and that combo just rarely makes sense to me.

Two, you will usually notice that its usually the more dark sisters who are dating the white dudes. And by darker, I mean the less light light skinneded. Basically, if you’re actual degree of darktivity is debatable, but the term light-skinned is ALWAYS the first option, then I’m not talking about you.

You know, I really should start chronicling these random terms I create and compile them into some sort of Panamictionary. That idea has actually been suggested to me for a few years now. I’m just lazy.

On the surface, it seems like it might be some sort of complex subconscious psychological thing that causes light skinned women to not date white men while their darker sisters partake of the other other white meat.

You know, as I am typing, I just queried The After Party Hostess because I didn’t know what the first white meat was. I mean I knew that pork was the other white meat, but I wasn’t sure what the original white meat was. She informed me that it was chicken. I have just disappointed the black community in ways no other man has done in years. It hasn’t been this bad since the Great Watermelon Fiasco of 1994.

*hangs head in shame*

I contend that the reasons for these dating trends are quite simple. As black people, we are the only race (to a lesser extent Indians from India and Arabs) that can actually do pre-screened color matching. Yes, the stereotype about black people is true; we care so much about aesthetics that we will usually try to match ourselves with appropriately colored counterparts as a means of taking more balanced pictures and creating more creatively colored children.

Go on ahead and marinate on that for a minute.

*humming “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash*

I never said the shit was deep.

Think about this (dammit, you know that whenever somebody tells you to think about something, they think they are bringing some depth), most black people are usually totally miffed when white people think we all look alike since our colors vary (thanks to the institution of slavery and black woman rape) so much that you can literally have a good thousand shades of “black”. White people and Asians on the other hand, well, excuse my ignorance here, actually fuck you if you’re offended, look WAY more alike on any given day than two black people who don’t have the same parents. As far as I’m concerned, they’re all cousins.

Now that’s just part of it. There are other pieces at play here of darker and vile conception. Or not.

It has been my observation as well that most light-skinned women would rather date a darker skinned man. Now this could have psychological ramifications. Potentially the fuckedupedness that we in the black community have passed down amongst ourselves over hundreds of years continues to rear its ugly head here. As a means of staying “black” and having “black children” light skinned people tend to look for the blacker the berry counterparts. Men and women do this.

Panama Pon-de-river Fession (similar to a confession but coming from Panama): I have a thing for darker sisters. I always have. My last few girlfriends have been of the lighter variety and that has always presented a dilemma for me. You see, I’m mixed. Feel free to *gasp* now if you weren’t aware. This means I’m kind of on the light side. I have nieces and nephews and all of those little kids are light. What I’m getting at here is that, I want my kids to have some color. Or I would like to at least give my kids a shot at some color. Chances are that might not happen, but still. On the other end, I really just love darker skinned women. I’m gonna sound like a racist here but fuck you, I just love dark skin tones and how flawless it looks a lot of time. A nice chocolate woman will get my attention a good 10 out of 10 times. Assuming of course that she doesn’t look like Grace Jones or India.Arie.

Now, I’m not suggesting that light skinned women are somehow “apologizing” for their skin tone by seeking out darker men, I’m just saying that coupled with the aesthetic nature of black people, maybe its just one of those things that is bound to happen. And you have to admit, family pictures always look good with people of two different complexions. You may disagree, but you will be wrong.

All that to say, light skinned women and white men don’t actually make for good pictures. And I think we are all aware of this. Plus, given the fact that a higher percentage of light skinned black women tend to be of the militant variety (including mixed black women), it’s just hard to date a white man when your idol is Malcolm X.

Of course, there is a caveat there too. A lot of lighter women are indeed mixed. And they may have grown up in a house where naivete was the meal du jour where the kids are told to believe that color is not an issue in America in which case that light skinned woman might date white men…until reality hits her like a MAC truck one day, and then she totally flips the script back to the better picture-fitting darker skinned man.

Now to the dark skinned women.

Are you still reading? Because this shit is getting long.

I think that darker women dating white men is a function of the white man being wholly attracted to black women in general, as well as his white women counterparts, and the black woman just being openminded and probably also tired of trifling black menses.

I think that a white dude interested in black women, on a strictly physical level, would more likely than not be interested in the darker women. You can throw that whole exotic thing into the equation if you want, but I think it comes down to this (and yes it is stereotype induced): If a white man is going to date a black woman, he wants to date a black woman, not some lightskinned chick with permed straight hair that could be mistaken as a dark skinned white girl (big ups to Murs). He wants a real no questions asked black woman. Maybe she has her hair permed too, but her complexion tells him all he needs to know. No mistaking her. Plus, the pictures will look nice and colorful.

From the black woman’s end, she is not usually worried about her kids skin tone (like light skinned people) therefore she can throw caution to the wind and date somebody of another race and possibly have kids because she will still be contributing to the black community. And since, stupid as this shit is, a lot of light skinned dudes (from what I’ve been told and shit) don’t like dating darker women (since we are pretty ignant in the black community) and dark skinned men want light women (see prior ignorance) dark women will find them an appropriate white man, if she’s at all interested.

You see, some of this has complicated ends to it, but really, the foremost reason why dark skinned women date white men, and light skinned women don’t is:

Its all about the Polaroids.

End theory.

I love the entertainment industry.

Where else can you live out your wildest dreams and be the person you always wished you could be despite obvious physical and aesthetic limitaitons or the constant failures of reality.

Such is the case with Def Jam’s resident songwriter/singer Ne-Yo.

It’s no secret that I watch video’s incessantly. Hell, I can spend a whole day just watching MTV Jams and vh1 Soul. This past weekend, I happened upon Ne-Yo’s new video for the song “When You’re Mad”. It’s not a bad song, though I do think that the song’s message, assuming the song catches on, will be wildly misconstrued and result in some poor sap getting his ass straight mollywopped by his girl for smirking when she’s truly pissed off.

Of course, that would require anybody to actually care about Ne-Yo and I suppose that’s another beast altogether.

I’ll get to the premise later. Let’s start with Ne-Yo.

I remember a long time ago when Mr. Cheeks video for “Lights, Camera, Action” came out. In the beginning of that video, when Mr. Cheeks enters the club, the “cheeks” lights go off and all the strippers know that he’s in the building. You see, in his video, Mr. Cheeks is akin to the president. When Cheeks shows up, the cheeks show up. Get it?

Me and my boys used to get a kick out of the video because the video hoes really sold the idea that Mr. Cheeks was indeed that important. Unrealistic? Of course, but in Mr. Cheeks video, he gets to be God. You have to love the opportunities that come to people who probably aren’t nearly as cool as they come off in videos.

Ne-Yo, bless his heart, is not an attractive man. Yet, in his videos, he gets to be the hearthrob; he is the man that women covet and for who’s back his woman has to watch. Usher he is not, but in his videos, he can be Denzel and his flock a gaggle of 30-50 year old black women.

I don’t care what anybody says, America is a great place.

Speaking of Ne-Yo and his video, maybe I’m missing something, but are bangs coming back for the womenses? In his video, the main video hoe has the WORST bangs in history. They’re just all flopping all over her face looking ever so busted. And I don’t mean the haircut that has women’s hair neatly lined up across the front. I mean real true to life bangs, like one curler was applied, then removed and the danglage was left to the imagination of the wind and fate. Additionally, I saw the new video for Letoya (and I think that’s Letoya Lockett of Destiny’s Child fame but I can’t tell if its really her) and she has her hair all banged up too. I am man so it possible that I have just missed this but I think the whole prominent bang period was not a good look for women.

Moving on.

This song, “When You’re Mad” is about how Ne-Yo can’t help but be carnally turned on whenever his girlfriend gets upset with him. He just wants to tear her up every time she gets that little wrinkle-nosed face going on because he has ticked her off. Throughout the video is a montage of women with various pissed off faces and demeanors that I suppose (it is a video remember) make Ne-Yo feel rather randy. I’ll admit, it’s a rather “cute” video. It makes me chuckle a time or two at the various reason his woman has chosen to be pissed at him.

However, I think the video seriously understates how “mad” a woman just may be and an appropalate course of action. And if you’ve seen the movie Trippin’ you will know that appropalate is indeed a real word.

Y’alls is some real dubiostic types.

What it seems to me is that his girl isn’t actually mad, she’s more just ticked off. Temporarily to boot. There is no mad going on here. His girl sees him taking pictures with “fans” and gets upset. Basically, his girl is jealous that he gives other women attention. Sucks for her…I mean doesn’t she realize she’s dating Ne-Yo. International superstar Ne-Yo?????

*crickets*

Like I said. It’s his video.

Thing is, there is no real just cause to be pissed so usually, a smile, a chuckle, and a “baby, why you trippin, you know I only love you” would suffice in most of these instances. Followed by a, “hey, you want me to keep getting you nice things? You do. Then I suggest you shut the fuck up.”

Then again. She isn’t mad.

Has anybody here ever dated somebody and either you or they got royally pissed??

*hands shoot up across the globe*

Was your first thought ever to really smile and then try to jump their bones? No? Me neither. When I get truly pissed, which has only happened a few times…I see red. It ain’t no lovely lush blues and yellows that inspire my loins.

Wow. I’ve said some pretty suspect shit in my day, but I think, “lush blues and yellows that inspire my loins” might just top the list.

Cry for me Argentina.

Now, I realize I’m being a stickler for details and accuracy here and I know its just a fun song intended to explain to women how them being upset with men makes men all turned on and shit. I’m just afraid some poor little kid is going to see this video and think that when his girl gets mad at him, it is totally okay to turn to an imaginary camera, chuckle twice, then look at her and go try to lay the ass-smackdown on her. He just might catch an eye-jammy.

This just brings up another point. There is a big difference between a woman being upset/slightly ticked off and her being mad or truly pissed. The former is usually a very temporary thing and can be resolved with a well timed, “baby, why you trippin’. Girl you know I-I-I-I love you. I will give you the sun the moon the stars the sky and the mountains…I’ll give you the worrrrrrrrrrrld. Baby, smile for me so I can see Heaven in your eyes.” You know, something along those lines. Basically, small little petty shit that most humans are bound to irrationally fall victim too from time to time. It happens to everybody.

The latter however, which would be the “mad or truly pissed” part, well thats a little different. If you have truly pissed off your woman, it’s gonna take more than a “girl i love you” to appease her. You must have done something like showed up with a box of condoms and one was missing. Despite the fact that you are truly just a juvenile male and used one to hang from your next door neighbors doorknob, you will be in trouble. Or maybe you didn’t show up when you said you were going to show up and your girl was stuck in the middle of Ohio all alone or some shit. Those things will not be resolved shortly.

You know, I don’t feel like discussing this anymore.

Bottom line, I’m concerned for the kids who will watch these videos and be influenced negatively since videos and music dictate our lives and I’m concerned about marriage in America.

Thank you.

P.S. Deborah Cox was never attractive and looks like she eats bricks.