I’m at the least focused point I’ve ever been in my life right now. For one, the heat is about to finally show up to stay and I just love the summer. Now, I’m no fan of 95 degree days, but I do look forward to 65 degree mornings.

And second, one of my boys is getting married. I couldn’t be happier. I looked at their wedding website and it just made me feel all happy and shit.

In fact, I’m feeling all emotional right now. Plus I watched Love Actually last night too.

Hold me.

Okay, that’s not really true (the emotional part, I did watch Love Actually last night), but I’m on my way to celebrate the wedding festivities, leaving tomorrow morning in fact not returning until Tuesday afternoon, which has rendered me totally incapable of coherent thought and focus. I must be the second most useless employee this side of the Mississippi right now. Who’s the first?

That would be me right before I went to Vegas. And I’m only at my second most useless right now because the powers that be have hit me with all kinds of shit to do, and a nationally broken headline story peripherally involves yours truly. So let’s just say, the potential for having to do work during the wedding weekend is high.

Well, despite my lack of focus right now, I still have been very observant of the changing seasons and the impact it has on people’s habits. Specifically the period of transitioning from spring to summer when invariably…

…some of y’all niggas lose y’alls damn mind.

So like the million other people, in my bored and ready-to-roll-out-like-Luda-n-em, I decided to put together a do’s and don’ts for the summertime.

Panama Jackson Presents…Do Read This List and Don’t Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood: Summer Tips 101

***Note: This slight list of tips will include shit for all ages and both men and women. Lickety-split. ***

Do be conscious of the fact that all people cannot wear all things. If you are a 300 pound woman, you cannot wear a size 2 anything. Honestly, nobody wants to see your skin. Make sure you can cover the shit up.

With that in mind…

Don’t color coordinate your clothing choices with your hair, ladies (Seen this morning upon entering my building at work). It’s not a good look…especially if you already color coordinated your hair with your skin tone. You will walk around looking like a nude crayon. Except nobody likes fake nude people. Or crayons. We feel cheated. Just stop it!

Do enjoy the lovely outdoors whenever you can.

Don’t fuck it up by shooting somebody. You know the crime rates increase in the summertime cuz niggas get hot and agitated. Calm the fuck down.

Do use lotion on your flour-kickers if you must wear sandals. This rule does not apply to white people so much. Though I do suggest using lotion on your feet anyway. But more for health and not aesthetic reasons.

And along those lines…

Don’t over do the baby powder. Especially on the chest region. Not only do I not understand it, but you will walk around looking like you’re about to be put in a deep fryer. Again, not a good look.

Speaking of ungood looks…

Do make sure that you don’t try too hard to bring certain dead styles back. I’ve seen a few women in the past few weeks rocking polka dots. Now I’m not saying it’s not okay, but I am saying don’t do it. It wasn’t hot when it was in style, it definitely won’t be hot now that its been laid to rest and one-line ethered by the Notorious B.I.G. Just because Kwame can make a comeback doesn’t mean polka dots can.

Do me baby.

Don’t speak.

Do wash your cars because there is nothing worse than driving around in the summer with a dusty ass ride. Women at busstops can’t really appreciate a dustymobile.

Don’t write anything overly obscene on anybody’s dusty ass car. A simple “wash me bitch” or “this fuckin’ car is dusty as fuck” will suffice.

Do make sure that your shoe game is in check. Keep them bitches clean. Especially your Air Force 1s (or Uptowns or Coke Whites, whatever you call them). For the life of me I’ll never understand why any grown ass man would walk around wearing shoes looking like they survived Vietnam. Women notice shoes, fellas.

As a caveat to a former one for the ladies:

Don’t wear shoes that are too small for your feet to handle. If you need to understand geometry and calculus in order to get your feet comfortably into your shoes, shoot yourself. Or if your not the violent type, just get some bigger got damn shoes, sasquatch.

Do make sure you summertime mackin’ game is intact. Please fellas, practice your game on minor league women you really don’t want before you go taking it to the big leagues. You make all men look bad when you have bad summertime game.

I realize that last one was bit jacked up and implies that some women should have game “practiced” on them. There is no set guideline for who the batting practice chicks are. Just assume you aren’t one. Mmkay?

Don’t deal with losers with zero game, ladies. It will have repercussions and reverberations for years to come on some sorry sap who really does like you. Feel free to clown a lame cat though. But give yourself a quota, only like, one a week or something.

Do go to a BBQ.

Don’t burn down a park. Smokey the Bear says only you can prevent forest fires. Hey, did anybody else ever notice that Smokey’s ass was always on the scene of forest fires? I’m not saying he lit them himself, but if there’s no fires he kind of doesn’t have a career now, does he? Think about it.

Do enjoy the summer.

Don’t stop loving me now…

Do miss me while I’m gone wedding-ing and drinking and not posting til next week sometime.

Don’t fret, this list is done.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 24th, 2006 at 9:40 am and is filed under Education, Panama's How-To's, Truisms. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.