Welcome, everybody, to hiphop week here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises. Because I am the master of my domain (that’s kind of funny if you think about it since I do indeed own this here domain and could be called Master…blaster…that’s some hiphop for that ass), I have decided that this entire week will be devoted to albums that changed my life, the culture, the people involved, and just all things hippety hoppity in nature.

First up, I’d bequeath you to venture over to The Champ aka D.Young’s site to witness the full scale ethering that has occurred. ANOTHER dumb fuck has gone and stolen blog entries from yours truly and D.Young and Brutha Code and Leon, etc. Why these ignant niggas don’t catch a clue I have no idea. I was going to son his ass over here today as well but el pussolito took down his site since, of course, he read D.Young’s site looking for something else to jack overnight and Poof the Magic Gila Monster, it’s magically gone.

Since Jason C. will no doubt read this at some point, I would like to say that I have to at least give you some credit bucko. I give you props for creating misspellings in my shit and adding your own little spin to or changing up sentences. Congratulations, you went from riding the bench on the AAU All-Pussy team to being a starter.

You remember Starter jackets? Hang yourself with one.

Unfortunately you’re a bitch and your momma should be disappointed in you. In fact, she should hate you. But thanks for the compliment of jacking my shit.

*****

Are you a school teacher and can’t understand why your students misspell simple words such as “them” or “the” and would like to understand how to better relate and you refuse to accept Ebonics?

Do you want to know why when answering a yes or no question, your students inexplicably always yell out “YEAAAAH!” at the top of their lungs? Or constantly question you by saying “WHAAAAAT?!” over and over?

Have you been trying to figure out just what kind of animal a Young Jeezy is since you can’t find a regular Jeezy in your state-sanctioned biology textbooks but are afraid to ask your students because you really should know?

Well fret not. The Tickle Academy is here to provide a quick tutorial for all of the white, black, yellow, and brown people who are so out of touch with the current hiphop trends that they didn’t know that “crunk” was not the past participle of crank.

We at The Tickle Academy strive for the ultimate in the education experience. Our motto? We learn you bitches good!

[***DISCLAIMER: This tutorial will not be about your daddy's hip-hop and its for the totally oblivious. This is about becoming a part of today's hiphop scene. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. ***]

Welcome to hip-hop.

Step 1: Go To Your Local Ghetto and buy a Mixtape, Preferably from the G-Unit or Diplomats (Ask the African selling them who is who and try not to look too oblivious or you will end up paying 20 dollars for a 2 dollar mixtape).

There is no better place to start your hiphop experience than the modern day crapfest that are mixtapes. Plus, with this you can kill two birds with one stone. You see, mixtapes are easily downloadable from the internet, but you need to understand the place the mixtapes come from. Though more times than not, if you’re students constantly misspell “them” and “the” you just might working in the ghetto anyway, in which case, head to the internet and find a mixtape with some completely idiotic looking black man on the front usually flanked by lots of things he cannot afford. Look specially for tapes by some fellow who goes by the name of 50 Cent or a fellow who will probably be wearing lots of fur and shorts by the name of Cam’ron.

Why mixtapes? Well, mixtapes provide you the latest in what’s going on in modern day hiphop complete with the totally asinine niggas yelling over everysong and lackluster lyrical performances. Since rap really isn’t what it used to be anyway, the mixtape is the best place to see the very thing that is wrong with rap, aside from the exploitation of the industry. You see, today…

…rappers suck ass.

But alas, mixtapes provide lessons in slanguage, drug acumen, the federal penal code, and strip club etiquette. It is here that you will find out why your kids seem to be so good at moving the decimal in math, i.e. moving from kilo grams to milli grams, and going from ounces to pounds, but totally suck at English since they can’t seem to quite grasp that the concept that the proper way to say (and write) “hello” is not “What it do? What tha bizness is?”

Step 2: Venture to MTVJams.

It is very important to understand why the little girls at your school dress like hookers. Or why the young me dress like they’re parents don’t love them. Unfortunately, rappers are role models. Therefore it is important to watch some of rappers are doing since these will inevitably shape the trends your children see.

On the offchance that you see Shawnna’s video for “Gettin’ Some” and you have no clue what the hell she is “getting”…it is head. Head as in female fellatio. As in ticklin’ the clitlin’. Feel free to send any and all of your children to the principal’s office if they start singin’ that song in class. It is obscene.

Step 3: After you listen to the mixtapes and watch the videos, you will need a translator.

This may be the most important step. Reason being, just because you hear them doesn’t mean you understand one iota of what the helly they are saying. For instance, it is wholly possible that you have heard a few of your students telling the other students to “go dumb” or “go stupid” and you probably thought they were being unnecessarily rude. In fact, they were encouraging the other students to exercise as “going dumb” is a dance “craze” in the Bay area where folks basically just lose it and go gyrationistic and get “hyphy” which also means to “go dumb”.

But how would you know that?

Get a translator. Just pay some kid to shut up and explain the shit to you. Try not to sleep with said student if you’re a woman or you might end up on TV and then jail with a bunch of women who speak slang and won’t really be concerned if you don’t understand it.

Step 4: Go buy a hiphop magazine, preferably a XXL or a Vibe.

Now I particularly hate both of those magazines but they are pretty elementary so reading them should be a breeze. Other magazines are way better but they would require you to have some knowledge of something other than the ability to read. XXL or Vibe…do not. So, buy these magazines and skip about 80 pages to get past the ads that run rampant and read about your students favorite rappers du jour since the same rappers grace the covers of these magazines ad nauseum. Read about all of the drugs they sold and how they were just that nice with the microphone that they couldn’t not rap and get their boys out the hood. Also understand this, rappers have some strange names. Busta Rhymes is a person, not an action. I mean, it is an action, but in most cases its a person. And yes, even in rap, a man named Puffy can be somebody or a femininely named fellow named Suge Knight can be the most feared man in the industry. From jail.

Also recognize that a lot of these people are solely popular in the black world as Ted Turner probably has no idea who Suge Knight is.

He also doesn’t care.

And finally…

Step 5: Watch BET for no longer than 15 minutes at a time as the content will be offensive and you may get dumber.

This is the ultimate step for you. After having scoured mixtapes, videos, and magazines, its time to see if you can understand what goes on at the one place where all of that useless knowledge is, well, useful…BET. If you can watch BET, especially 106&Park and understand the hosts who say “that’s what’s up” entirely WAY too many times and you know what they mean; or you can watch Lil Kim’s “Going To Jail” special (why ANYBODY would want to chronicle somebody’s quest for jail is beyond me) and you undestand what the pint-sized violationist vixen is saying; or further, you understand, empathize, and decide that the whole Stop Snitchin’ campaign is totally and unavoidably necessary….well…

…then you have arrived.

You are now ready to take your knowledge into the classroom and the streets and show the little bastards who think they can run over you since you are so detached that you are down with Duke Da God. That you love Cam’ron and his intricate wordplay.

That Young Jeezy does indeed have a movement, not an album and every true nigga needs some Thug Motivation.

Welcome to the wonderful world of hip-hop 2006.

It is now and will be forever more that:

“Life ain’t nothing but bitches and money…”

Thank you for visiting and learning with The Tickle Academy.