“In all of my experiences of living, most black women dating white men tend to be more on the darker side of the shade tree. I don’t know if lighter women are just on a quest for more color in their children’s lives or what, but you just don’t see that very often. I have a theory on this…” -an excerpt from a post entitled Tired Black Man: Negro Please! courtesy of His Royal Sexxiness and Purveyor of All Things Symbiotically Good aka Panama Jackson

In the comments section of that post, Brick said that she’d like to hear this theory. As the man who makes it a job to give the people what they want, I shall lay out my theory on this.

I’m nice like that. And sexxy enough to do it.

As an aside, me and some of my boys actually have rules on that type of thing, though we break them quite often. One of our rules has been to “always give the people what they want” though it usually involves proliferation of the feminine spirit. Of course, it is only the case when you can do so, i.e. you’re not in a relationship of any sorts or when you won’t step on your God’s toes in the process. And you think Bill Maher started that New Rule shit? We’ve been coming up with new rules since 1997.

Center of Excellence, bitches. Center of Excellence.

Now to the theory.

If you pay attention to most of the interracial black woman-white man couples you see, you’ll probably notice a few things about them. For one, the white man doesn’t usually look like the kind of white dude who would be seriously dating a black woman, Paul Walls of the world excepted. He usually looks more like, Kevin James. Your garden variety regular white dude. This has always baffled me because like any other true blue American, I succumb to racial stereotypes just like the next person, and that combo just rarely makes sense to me.

Two, you will usually notice that its usually the more dark sisters who are dating the white dudes. And by darker, I mean the less light light skinneded. Basically, if you’re actual degree of darktivity is debatable, but the term light-skinned is ALWAYS the first option, then I’m not talking about you.

You know, I really should start chronicling these random terms I create and compile them into some sort of Panamictionary. That idea has actually been suggested to me for a few years now. I’m just lazy.

On the surface, it seems like it might be some sort of complex subconscious psychological thing that causes light skinned women to not date white men while their darker sisters partake of the other other white meat.

You know, as I am typing, I just queried The After Party Hostess because I didn’t know what the first white meat was. I mean I knew that pork was the other white meat, but I wasn’t sure what the original white meat was. She informed me that it was chicken. I have just disappointed the black community in ways no other man has done in years. It hasn’t been this bad since the Great Watermelon Fiasco of 1994.

*hangs head in shame*

I contend that the reasons for these dating trends are quite simple. As black people, we are the only race (to a lesser extent Indians from India and Arabs) that can actually do pre-screened color matching. Yes, the stereotype about black people is true; we care so much about aesthetics that we will usually try to match ourselves with appropriately colored counterparts as a means of taking more balanced pictures and creating more creatively colored children.

Go on ahead and marinate on that for a minute.

*humming “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash*

I never said the shit was deep.

Think about this (dammit, you know that whenever somebody tells you to think about something, they think they are bringing some depth), most black people are usually totally miffed when white people think we all look alike since our colors vary (thanks to the institution of slavery and black woman rape) so much that you can literally have a good thousand shades of “black”. White people and Asians on the other hand, well, excuse my ignorance here, actually fuck you if you’re offended, look WAY more alike on any given day than two black people who don’t have the same parents. As far as I’m concerned, they’re all cousins.

Now that’s just part of it. There are other pieces at play here of darker and vile conception. Or not.

It has been my observation as well that most light-skinned women would rather date a darker skinned man. Now this could have psychological ramifications. Potentially the fuckedupedness that we in the black community have passed down amongst ourselves over hundreds of years continues to rear its ugly head here. As a means of staying “black” and having “black children” light skinned people tend to look for the blacker the berry counterparts. Men and women do this.

Panama Pon-de-river Fession (similar to a confession but coming from Panama): I have a thing for darker sisters. I always have. My last few girlfriends have been of the lighter variety and that has always presented a dilemma for me. You see, I’m mixed. Feel free to *gasp* now if you weren’t aware. This means I’m kind of on the light side. I have nieces and nephews and all of those little kids are light. What I’m getting at here is that, I want my kids to have some color. Or I would like to at least give my kids a shot at some color. Chances are that might not happen, but still. On the other end, I really just love darker skinned women. I’m gonna sound like a racist here but fuck you, I just love dark skin tones and how flawless it looks a lot of time. A nice chocolate woman will get my attention a good 10 out of 10 times. Assuming of course that she doesn’t look like Grace Jones or India.Arie.

Now, I’m not suggesting that light skinned women are somehow “apologizing” for their skin tone by seeking out darker men, I’m just saying that coupled with the aesthetic nature of black people, maybe its just one of those things that is bound to happen. And you have to admit, family pictures always look good with people of two different complexions. You may disagree, but you will be wrong.

All that to say, light skinned women and white men don’t actually make for good pictures. And I think we are all aware of this. Plus, given the fact that a higher percentage of light skinned black women tend to be of the militant variety (including mixed black women), it’s just hard to date a white man when your idol is Malcolm X.

Of course, there is a caveat there too. A lot of lighter women are indeed mixed. And they may have grown up in a house where naivete was the meal du jour where the kids are told to believe that color is not an issue in America in which case that light skinned woman might date white men…until reality hits her like a MAC truck one day, and then she totally flips the script back to the better picture-fitting darker skinned man.

Now to the dark skinned women.

Are you still reading? Because this shit is getting long.

I think that darker women dating white men is a function of the white man being wholly attracted to black women in general, as well as his white women counterparts, and the black woman just being openminded and probably also tired of trifling black menses.

I think that a white dude interested in black women, on a strictly physical level, would more likely than not be interested in the darker women. You can throw that whole exotic thing into the equation if you want, but I think it comes down to this (and yes it is stereotype induced): If a white man is going to date a black woman, he wants to date a black woman, not some lightskinned chick with permed straight hair that could be mistaken as a dark skinned white girl (big ups to Murs). He wants a real no questions asked black woman. Maybe she has her hair permed too, but her complexion tells him all he needs to know. No mistaking her. Plus, the pictures will look nice and colorful.

From the black woman’s end, she is not usually worried about her kids skin tone (like light skinned people) therefore she can throw caution to the wind and date somebody of another race and possibly have kids because she will still be contributing to the black community. And since, stupid as this shit is, a lot of light skinned dudes (from what I’ve been told and shit) don’t like dating darker women (since we are pretty ignant in the black community) and dark skinned men want light women (see prior ignorance) dark women will find them an appropriate white man, if she’s at all interested.

You see, some of this has complicated ends to it, but really, the foremost reason why dark skinned women date white men, and light skinned women don’t is:

Its all about the Polaroids.

End theory.