…when I’m busting my ass at work like I’m a real employee.

Somebody must have told them wrong. Actually, somebody must have told me wrong since I’m up here working my ass off.

Anyway, a thought occured to me while watching television a few nights ago.

Before I get to that, have you been watching Grey’s Anatomy? I’m not usually into medical shows or anything but my little sister got me hooked around Christmas and I’ve been a fanatic ever since. Man, that’s a good show. Last night was the 2 hour season finale and it was great, but man, the prelude to the 2 hour season finale on Sunday? Geez Louise. That had me on the edge of my seat. I don’t know all the characters real names, but the chick that plays Izzie (sp?) seriously kicked up her Hollywood potential with her rendition of a schizophrenic, nucking-futs, over the top, love-struck, dumb-struck, dire-straits, reverse Florence Nightingale syndromed potential woman scorned.

Man, somebody needs to get her some more acting roles, STAT. If you haven’t seen it, somebody has that joint Tivo’d or DVR’d or for the archaics amongst us, VCR’d. That was good television.

Now back to my question. I was watching Bill Maher’s show on HBO on Sunday and I noticed that he had Cornel West, some politician-looking white guy (I can’t remember for the life of me who it was) and John Legend.

Yes, John Legend.

I watched part of the show and it got me to thinking…why in the hell do some of these entertainers agree to go on the show? For one, unless you are SERIOUSLY up on shit, you aren’t going to be able to get in any good arguments or anything worth debating edgewise. Regardless of your opinion of him, Bill Maher is sharp, and often times, so are his guests.

But sometimes, some of the entertainers he brings on don’t have jack shit to contribute. Such was the case with John Legend. This is not to say that these entertainers aren’t capable of gunnin’ with the politicians, political wonks, and policy analysts, but a lot of times, they just…

…can’t.

I remember Chris Rock was on there once and you could tell he was completely outgunned. As in didn’t have a single thing to offer. And I’m a huge fan of his, but the problem is that Bill Maher and his guests, more often than not, dig into the weeds on stuff and discuss shit that unless you read the Wall Street Journal, the New York Times, and any and all things coming out of Washington, you will have nothing to contribute and will just be sitting there nodding your head trying to keep up. I’ve seen it time and time again with entertainers. In fact, one of the few to go on the show that could not only keep up with the big dogs but put the big dogs on edge was, Ben Affleck.

I know, let that marinate. He isn’t the best actor, but he knows his politics. I have to give credit where credit is due.

So I just wonder, if you’re an entertainer that actually watches the show and you get asked to come on, and you arent so big into politics and the like, why in Sam Hill would you put yourself in a position to look like a deer caught in headlights? And I know a lot of these entertainers are smart, trust me I do. But it’s one thing to be smart, it’s a total different animal to attempt to get into a heated intellectual discourse with the most cynical, yet sharp man on TV this side of Jon Stewart. And most entertainers just aren’t that political. Puffy included. They are entertainers. We pay them to make us feel better about ourselves, not make us smarter.

Nobody wanted to hear Chris Rock say, “I”m just pissed that gas cost so much” the (at least) 10 times he said it.

Just a thought…but why walk into a gunfight with a slingshot and some split pea soup?

PlayStation: Heather Headley’s song “In My Mind” is the worst written great song of the past 10 years.

PS 2: Bill Cosby is at it again. At Spelman College (my favorite place) he told the women they need to take over since most black men are in jail. You have to love it when he shoots from the hip. Good times.

PS 3 (Coming Soon): This was way longer than it should have been. The sad part is that it took me like 8 minutes to come up with and type all of that. I really am longwinded. I’m also…well, you know the rest.

As much as I love hip-hop, I do recognize that it isn’t all rage for everybody. I also realize that despite some of the quality music, there are some very negative things that hip-hop is responsible for in regards to the black community and the world community as a whole. Now, I refuse to say that hip-hop is responsible for any real negativity in the black community as it gets into the chicken versus the egg thing that we are all so familiar with, so that’s not the direction I’m going.

Nope. I’m going here: it is my belief that there are some things that the hip-hop community should apologize to not only the black community but the world for, and I will take the first step.

10 Things For Which The Hip-Hop Community Should Make Amends

1. Jim Jones

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Jim Jones is what is wrong with everything that happens in the black community. He is the biggest hater on Earth. He is also a horrible rapper, but then again, those come a dime a dozen nowadays. He’s part of one of the most obnoxious crews in rap history, The Diplomats and manages to even be obnoxious above and beyond Cam’ron.

I will admit that he can be quite entertaining. I remember a few years ago there was some video floating around of Cam’ron, Juelz, and Jim Jones in London where a drunk off his ass Jim Jones was HANDS-DOWN the most comedic sight I’d seen in years, but still…how can you hate on Jay-Z for wearing some sandals when you hang with a man who bought a Pink Hummer, and I’m not talking about a white girl.

Hip-hop needs to apologize for Jim Jones existence, because withough rap, he wouldn’t be who he is…internationally.

***

2. The Throwback Jersey

Jerseys as a whole aren’t necessarily a bad thing, but the widespread influx of throwback jerseys that invaded the hip-hop and further black communities in like 2002-2004 was just bad. Hell, the entire young black community was running around looking like an intramural basketball league.

And it isn’t like they were cheap. Just ask me. Yes, I too fell victim to the scourge of the throwback purchasing at least 5 “throwback” jerseys at somewhere around $150 a pop.

Let’s not even talk about the horrible craptasticness that was the throwback jersey dress. Seriously, it was like the ideas we couldn’t quite get our system in the 1980’s came full circle. And you all remember how bad fashion was in the 80s.

***

(iced out Jesus pieces? Good God.)

3. The term “bling-bling”

Oy vey. This is one of those hip-hop terms that invaded the world community that has gotten to the point where black folks almost cringe when hearing it. I know I do. I work with a bunch of white people. One day, a few months ago, there was a story in the New York Times that referenced “bling-bling” and my co-workers were confused as to what it was. Who did they ask? Yep, me. I wept for Africa when I explained the definition.

Street vendors ask you if you want some “bling”. Really corny white people use the term to show you they are cool. PARENTS of all races use the term to show their kids that they are cool. Of course they say the word “hip” which automatically reduces cool points to zero, but they try.

It’s everywhere and hip-hop needs to apologize for it. Unfortunately, the black community really is enamored with bling, so no apologies to the black community since even the most unapologetic hip-hop haters probably use that term since it does have a nice ring to it. And you know how we get about aesthetics.

Apologies to the white parents of suburban hipster kids who fall in love with rap and walk around their homes telling their parents to respect their bling, blingage, or any other variation of the term “bling-bling” are necessary.

I’m sorry white people.

***

4. Marion “Suge” Knight

Hip-hop should apologize because Suge was allowed to be an integral figure in the black music world. And to this day, I still have absolutely no clue why. I mean, I know WHY he ended up being involved but how has he managed to be the black version of the Godfather? This man has his hand in so many shady dealings that you just have to wonder if everything negative that happens in the black Community that is rap-related can’t somehow be tied to him.

In fact…

…I blame Suge Knight for Jim Jones who I blame for everything that is wrong in the black community.

Unemployment? Suge and Jimmy. Murder? Suge and Jimmy. Pure unadulterated ignorance? Cam’ron…and by association, Suge and Jimmy.

I even blame them for Bush getting re-elected.

***

5. Vanilla Ice

Does THIS even need an explanation?

***

(just replace the white girl with a bandana wearing “thugged out” black dude)

6. Long Ass Dresses (AKA Tall T-Shirts)

First the D.L. book comes out, then this. Black “straight” men everywhere were running around wearing extra long t-shirts that looked like nightgowns. A gown by definition is a form of dress. And if it really isn’t, it is for my purposes.

Honestly, I don’t even understand this one. It was huge in Baltimore for some reason. And though I didn’t really see too many rappers wearing these in videos or anything, I will just assume that at some point that Cam’ron wore a tshirt that was a little bit too long, sparking a nationwide funboy trend of wearing tall tee’s.

You see, Jim Jones is responsible for this as well.

Are you noticing a trend here? Again, we need to apologize for Jim Jones. By the way, it’s rock ‘n roll month on vh1 and they are doing Behind The Music’s on all of the big heavy metal bands. It’s quite fascinating. You should check it out. You should also always wash your hands when exiting the bathroom.

***

(can you feel, the love, tonight…)

7. Really bitchmade behavior that is supposed to be the anti-thesis of hip-hop

See: The Game, Mobb Deep, Ja Rule, 50 Cent

This might be having ramifications that are larger than we notice. If the kids look up to rappers, and the rappers are acting like, well, pussies, then our male offspring will beging to presumably act like pussies. Which could clearly explain the uber sensitivity that has been going around in the black community. The number one killer of black man is not diabetes, stroke, or heart disease.

It is lack of respect. The lack of respect is responsible for more murders in the black community than we can blame the CIA for. The assumption of lack of respect comes from the overabundance of sensitivity and instigators wanting to witness the sensitivity.

I’m just saying, we need to get this pussyasstactical manuevering in check before these rappers start wearing dresses and doing ballet.

Oh right, and then there was Prodigy. I guess his man love for 50 Cent has been in the makings for years, hasn’t it?

***

8. Horrible and unintellible slang

See: too many examples to name

You know, I’m all for slang. In fact, I’m able to have full conversations in slang that are completely understandable to most of my peers who actually know black people. However, there are even points where slang goes to far in attempts to be…slang.

Take E-40 for instance. Why he is the noted hip-hop slangologist, I have no idea. Half the shit he comes up with sounds like pure shit to me. The best slang is obvious shit, not some over the top intentionally stupid shit like some of the stuff that comes out of the (Father forgive me), Bay area. It’s gotten to the point where even black people don’t know what the fuck anybody is talking about anymore.

Shababaloopie (or whatever the fuck its supposed to say), my ass.

See, when folks from Queens were making up shit, at the very least it wasn’t so much that you had to spend weeks trying to learn it. It all made sense in the context of sentences or verses. To understand some niggas, coughe-40cough and his coughbayareabredrencough, you need to take a damn class. I already have 2 degrees so fuck that very much.

Apologies are warranted.

***

(just picture a black youth driving like a mad man up your street on one of those)

9. Those little motorcycles and ATV’s that niggas in my neighborhood ride around on major streets fucking up traffic and pissing off the police and my neighbors, I actually get a kick out of it

I’ll just blame Ruff Ryders for this one. I have no other justification. But let me think on this. DMX is a Ruff Ryder (no brokeback) and has worked with Swizz Beatz who has worked with Jay-Z who has worked with Kanye who has worked with Cam’ron who is homies with Jim Jones who is a Blood like The Game who works with Dr. Dre who used to be in cahoots with Suge Knight.

Badaboom badabing. Suge and Jimmy are responsible for this.

***

10. Crunkjuice and Pimpjuice (and for kicks The Bishop Don Magic Juan)

Le sigh.

I don’t have so much beef with crunkjuice, but Pimpjuice? Well, that just takes the cake. The fact that this is available in stores just put the stamp on it. Pimps are so celebrated by hip-hop culture that only a rapper would think to make some shit called Pimpjuice. Or keep The Bishiop around as a “spiritual counselor”. I guess all the real bishops and reverends were busy when Snoop really needed some advice.

We need to apologize for creating the environment where Pimpjuice could be a viable product on the market. And for Nelly as a whole too, though I don’t hate him nearly as much as I used too. It got boring to hate him. Now I can just hate Jim Jones.

***

These are some things that the hip-hop community owes apologies for. We have done some foul things to society, but these things take the cake.

This is my sorry for…2006.

Doesn’t quite rhyme does it?

This has been Hip-Hop Week at JGT. Thanks for sleepwalking and be on the lookout for more as the weeks go by. I actually have a lot of really good group ideas for posts, but they will take sometime.

I am hip-hop. (And sexxy).

Welcome back to day 2 of the Panama Extravaganza that is the journey of my life. Man, that sounds so monumental doesn’t it?

Yes, it does.

We’re going to jump right into numbers 5 through 1 of Panama’s 10 Favorite hip hop albums.

For you boho’s that missed numbers 10 thru 6, please feel free to click here.

Onto the rest…

5. Dr. Dre The Chronic (released 1992)

Where I First Heard It: There is a story behind this, but I this guy gave me this random mixtape he made back in like early 1993 and the song “Fuck With Dre Day” was on there. I remember popping in the tape on the bus on the way home. I must have rewound that tape way too many times because I ended up popping the tape ON THAT BUS RIDE home. I hated myself for a while, but he made me another copy.

Why I Love It: One of the most important part of any listening experience for me is the clarity and crispness of sound. I’m not a huge fan of gritty sounding music which is largely why I never really got into the Wu. Which means the Wu won’t show up on this list. The Chronic? One of the most beautiful sounding albums, from a technical sonic standpoint ever. It sounds as good now as it did then. There isn’t one bad song on the entire album. Even the song I like the least, “Little Ghetto Boy” knocks hard as hell. Plus it introduced us to Snoop Doggy Dogg. Even know, I’m amazed at how well put together the album is from the song sequencing to the quality of each song…hell even RBX sounds like somebody who’s album I’d buy after hearing him on this. I never did get an RBX album cuz he really did suck, but still. They don’t call this album a hip-hop classic for no reason. Plus, with the ignorance factor straight up on 10, with classic song “Bitches Ain’t Shit”, well, I was sold from day one.

Stand-Out Tracks: “Nothin’ But A G Thang”, “Bitches Ain’t Shit”, “Let Me Ride”, “Fuck With Dre Day”, “Rat-tat-tat-tat” (seriously, I play that song in my car JUST to hear the drums come in and I turn it up as loud as my car speakers can handle just to feel the impact)

The Chronic Related Story: I didn’t realize until the other day, but since middle school, I’ve been kind of able to get everything WAY earlier than everybody else music wise. I don’t know how I settled into the groove of being the guy who knows the right people to being the right guy in the first place. I get most albums a good two weeks early right now, and back in middle school, I always had stuff early. I was in Germany so we always got shit late, but I always knew the right people who would go back to the states and bring stuff back and they’d always make me tapes much like the dude did with the Chronic samples he put on the mixtape. However, there is one song I’ve been trying to find for something like 13 years now. I used to think it was by Above The Law, but I’m not sure…maybe it’s a remix to “Livin’ Like Hustlers” but the intro goes:

“four niggas up on a roof/gettin’ down just for the fuck of it/four niggas we’re on the move/nothing can stop us now…” which is clearly the rip from the Parliament Funkadelic, “One Nation” joint. If anybody can help me with that, I’ll give you my first child.

Another More Recent Chronic Related Story: I must be getting old, because I threw this CD into the car on Monday and was WAY to conscious of the profanity, even going so far as to turn the shit down at stop lights as to not offend anybody with my drug-induced, sex-crazed, profanity-laden music, which is SO not like I used to be. I wanted everybody to hear what the fuck I was listening too. I’m afraid. If I keep going at this rate (I do this with other albums too), I’ll be a Republican Right-wing Christian conservative by Christmas.

Hold me.

One Last Chronic Story: So, you know how I was getting shit early? Well, that translated into folks being somewhat impressed with my ability to memorize lyrics so quickly. I didn’t realize they didn’t know I was getting shit early. I thought everybody was. But I bought The Chronic album on the way to Italy for a week long trip with a group I was part of called Club Beyond, which was a religious based fellowship organization. Go figure. Anyway, I bought it, sans adult (federal laws my ass), and knew the words from the moment I popped it in. So many people were impressed with how quick I memorized the words, not knowing I’d had most of the album for months. See, I’ve been the sexxy choice for years. Non-sequitur? You bet your ass it is.

4. Outkast ATLiens (released 1996)

Sorry T…not Aquemini here.

“fat titties turn to teardrops as fat ass turns to flab…growing old…” - “Growing Old”

Where I First Heard It: Though I was an Outkast fan from the first time I heard “Player’s Ball” nothing prepared me for hearing “Elevators” for the first time. I was sitting in the parking lot of K-Mart while one of my boys was robbing the joint. No lie. Not with gat in hand. He had a system, but I won’t go into that. Let’s just say I’ve been an accomlice more times in life than I care to share. Trust me. But I was sitting there and the song came on the radio and I lost my mind. That shit is STILL one of the songs I love the most EVER. I kept thinking, are them niggas playing ping-pong in the studio and threw the shit onto the song. ‘Kast fan cemented FO LIFE.

Why I Love It: I know Southernplaya… is most southerner’s favorite, and Aquemini gets all the acclaim, but ATLiens is the album I love the most hand’s down. Something about this album just gets into my soul. That’s the only word I can use to describe the album, soulful. More nuanced than Goodie Mob’s Soul Food, not quite as funky as Aquemini, and less street than Southernplaya…It was right there in the middle of all of those, and in some ways I think thats why I like it, because I am in the middle of all those things. You know, especially with me being a gangsta and all. The only song I don’t really like on this album is one of the albums most popular, “Jazzy Belle.” I’ve never liked that, but I still listen to it because it just meshes so well with the album. This is also the album where we all realized Dre was about to go to the moon, and he didn’t disappoint. He was on some next level shit here and I think I was probably going through my own growing finding phase and shit so it worked. Plus, I don’t know about your city, but this nigga Dre had EVERYBODY rockin’ them little old woman hair hats/turbins. That my friends, is influence.

Stand-Out Tracks: “Elevators”, “Babylon”, “Two Dope Boys In A Cadillac”, “ATLiens”, “Decatur Psalm”, “Mainstream”, “Growing Old”

ATLiens Related Story: For the longest time, this was the longest running debate between me and one of my boys Johnny Kwest, about which album was better, Southernplaya or ATLiens. We ultimately ended up just realizing that we would agree to disagree probably after a few years. I also think that is the point where I realized that me and this particular friend almost NEVER agree on songs or albums, but love all the same artists. It never fails. If I love a song on an album, he won’t like it as much, and vice versa. That’s how you know somebody is your boy, when you can tell them straight up every song they’ll like or album they’ll like from jump.

Also, that K-Mart that got robbed, well, let’s just say that our system included store employees. We were thorough.

Now, we’re getting to the cream of the crop. Are you experienced?

3. Jay-Z Reasonable Doubt (released 1996)

Where I First Heard It: I remember when this album came out, but I didn’t actually hear until like a year later when I was at my sister’s apartment in Atlanta and she threw on “Can I Live”. And since I LOVE that Isaac Hayes sample so much, I was stuck. Then I started listening and was amazed at how well he was putting his puns and shit together. Im like, yo, dude is tight. My sister quickly turned to me and said the black national confirmation statement, “I tried to told ya.” My sister is going to come into this later because as far as rap goes, she’s really how I got into most of it. And she unknowingly put me onto the most important discovery of my life.

Why I Love It: Because there are only two songs that I don’t like on this album, one of which I don’t even really count as an album cut, “Ain’t No Nigga”. That is a throwaway “we need a single” track. Jay’s lyrical wizadry was on full display on this album. He’s still as witty and lyrical, but nowhere near like he was on this album. Smart business man that he is, he figured out how to make his flow equal dollars, and that wasn’t the Reasonable Doubt flow. Jay has so many one liners on this album, and this was before he started quoting Big in his rhymes. On the song “Brooklyn’s Finest”, good God, them two went at it . I just love the production, the wordplay, the wittiness, the raw discussions of the good life. Hell, he still has me convinced that in 1996, he was still spending money from 88…what! This is one of the most played albums in my entire CD collection. And it travels with me everywhere.

Stand-Out Tracks: “Dead Presidents”, “Can I Live”, “Feelin’ It”, “Coming of Age”, “Bring It On”, “Can’t Knock The Hustle”

Reasonable Doubt Storty: Though I give my sister credit for introducing me to Jay, that isn’t the whole truth. In high school, my boy Johnny Kwest (who is also the same dude I’ve been arguing about Outkast first two albums with for years) couldn’t quit talking about Jay Z. He’s been a fan since day one, for real. In our AP Calculus class, everyday this dude would tell me I needed to check for Jay and specifically “Politics As Usual”. That was his favorite song for a straight year, it seemed. I never did listen to the album during our senior year in high school and it was probably because my boy JK wouldn’t stop talking about it. Little did I know he was right. And to continue in our disagreement, Reasonable Doubt is my favorite, The Blueprint is his favorite, and we argue about that too. ALWAYS.

Just to add some backstory here, me and JK went to the same high school and pretty much had all of the same classes together in senior year because we were 2 of the 3 black students in all the AP classes, from Physics to Calculus to English. And we’ve been discussing, arguing, dissecting music since. I’m talking almost 10 years strong at this point. In fact, I’d say one of the strongest elements of bonding amongst all my boys is all of our sometimes obsessive love for music. It continued through Morehouse (we both went there and roomed together for almost the duration of our “matriculation”

2. NWA EFIL4ZAGGIN (released 1991)

Where I First Heard It: So remember my sister put me onto Jay? Well, she unknowingly put me onto NWA as well. I used to sneak into her room and steal all of her tapes, make a copy, and then sneak them back in. I got quite good at it too. But one day, I wasn’t prepared for what I was about to hear. I put in the tape, and all the cussing and murdering and raping and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I got so scared that my mom was going to come in and beat my ass that I turned it down AS low as I could, closed my door, and fell in love with this album. I was like 12 and for a straight year, took this album with me everywhere, until The Chronic came out. And you know how that one went.

Why I Love It: To be quite honest, because it’s one of the most ignorantly constructed albums in history. But it’s also one of the most entertaining albums ever. People claim that Straight Outta Compton is a classic, and it is, but for three songs. Most people can’t even name another song off of that album outside of “Gangsta, Gangsta”, “Fuck Da Police,” and “Straight Outta Compton.” The production that Dre is known for now, started on EFIL4ZAGGIN. That is where he came into his own. The beats are so hot on this album you can’t help but to like them. And despite the utter impossibility of the lyrics, MC Ren stood out as one hell of a rapper. There is humor in the skits as well. Why they have a Motherfuckers Against Drunk Driving skit where they tell you to smoke weed instead is beyond me, especially since we now know you can run over little girls on bikes in busy intersections at fast food restaurants. This albums flows so well from the beginning and even underneath all of the violence and mayhem, does carry somewhat of a message, even if it does get lost. But hands down, this is, in my opinion, one of the best hip hop albums EVER. And I will stand by that. And it’s almost easy to get past the violence because most of it seems so ridiculously over the top, as opposed to on their first album where Cube dealt more with reality. Hell, on this album, Ren is talking about killilng millions of people. Yeah…right. Thing is, there ain’t even much drug talk on this album, it’s just murder and rape and overall female devaluation…and yes that’s ignorant and not exactly to be aspired too, but man, they made it sound so harmonious. Like I said, ignorance is my oyster. It’s as sonically sound as The Chronic, but way more entertaining. It is, a masterpiece.

Stand-Out Tracks: “Alwayz Into Something”, “Real Niggaz”, “Appetite For Destruction”, “She Swallowed It”, “Automobile”

EFIL4ZAGGIN Trivia: I remember when Life After Death came out and folks were so enthralled by Biggie’s singing on the song “Playa Hata”. Well, Eazy-E and them started that shit (maybe Biz did actually, but that’s neither here nor there). On this album, the song “Automobile” is NWA just singing their asses off about what they’d do with a chick in their automobiles. It’s a full 4 minutes song. You really should hear this song, it’s that bad, but its that funny. Me and my boy Tre, used to make up our own versions in high school.

NWA Related Story: I don’t know if I conveyd it properly uptop, but I was deathly afraid of my parents finding out I was listening to this album. I loved it so much, but I love my life more. My parents were pretty liberal on things and would often buy me albums with explicit lyrics (well, my dad would), but something about this album told me I was clearly crossing the line. Which always made me wonder…how in the FUCK did my sister get away with listening to all of the shit she was listening too? She put me onto 2 Live Crew, DJ Jimi, NWA, Ice T, and basically any hot new shit from the USA that one of her friends would bring back for her to listen too. She is also responsible for my first exposure to a porno flick. I walked in while her friends were watching one and they couldn’t kick me out because me and my other sister threatened to tell. We were 6. Talk about positive role models. I probably got exposed to everything my parents wanted to keep from me through her. See, that is how a sister is supposed to be, making sure you know the rest of the shit your parents ain’t telling you. I love my sister.

And finally, my favorite album of all time:

1. De La Soul de la soul is dead (released 1991)

Where I First Heard It: On a bus trip somewhere, I think to Holiday Park or something, some field trip in 6th grade. A young lady friend of mine (this was in Germany by the way), had this tape that one of her cousins from the U.S. sent her. She let me listen to it and I liked it so much, I had to get my own copy. I think this came out in like May of 1991 so it was probably the last field trip of 6th grade. I sat next to her the whole trip. I think she caught a crush on me that day and I think I liked her too because she let me listen to her De La Soul tape for the whole day.

Why I Love It: Have you ever heard an album that you just have to listen to the whole way through? That is this album for me. I can’t skip around on it. It is one of two albums I will listen to straight through the entire way, with the other being #2. Even today, I marvel at Prince Paul’s production and how well he helped them put this album together. It goes from party songs to serious songs and is woven together perfectly with a skit of some kids listening and trying to determine how good it is, ultimately coming up with the notion that de la soul is dead, since their first album was so good, but this one was not. It’s a full fledged concept album taking on critics and all of the backlash they caught for just making happy music and their success with 3 Feet High and Rising. And they succeeded in their attempts. It had the uber popular, “A Roller Skating Jam Named Saturday”, but that isn’t even the best song on the album. And I honestly can’t think of a best song, I like the whole thing. I just enjoy this album immensely and any woman in my life must like it as well. NWA I can give a pass on, I mean its one of the least woman friendly albums ever, but this…is poetry in motion and a music masterpiece that doesn’t stray too far from the path, nor does it get limited by the bounds of happy rap. It is 4 fellows from Long Island trying to deal with success and coming up with one hell of a concept to do it. All they had to do was execute, and they exceed expectations. It’s one of the original 5 mic Source albums (back when they had credibility) and was critically acclaimed everywhere, and still is. Just didn’t sell worth a shit. Oh well, I love it.

Stand-Out Tracks: really the whole album but, “A Roller Skating Jam…”, “Pass The Peas”, “Let Me In”, “Oodles of O’s”, “Ring, Ring, Ring”

De La Soul Related Story: So I was like 11 or 12 in 6th grade. The girl who gave me the tape, ended up dating the guy who made me the mixtapes by the time we were in 8th grade. They dated for quite sometime, even taking the relationship back the U.S. with them when their parents got stationed back stateside. Well, in 1997, me and her magically found eachother in Atlanta again, through one of my sisters I think, and started dating. She was my first girlfriend in college as a matter of fact. I give credit to De La Soul for bringing us together. She also managed get “reacquainted” with the dude who made me the mixtapes while were dating of which she told me some 2 years later. She ALSO tried to holler at my boy JK to try to piss me off while we were in college. She also showed up at my house unannounced one day to tell me she was married and seemed VERY upset that I was happy for her recent marriage.

So you see, music can bring people together, tear people apart, and ultimately piss people off. It can also create the smallest circle of ridiculousness ever. Thank you De La Soul, for making so many great memories me and my friends can laugh at today.

Just like music…

By the way, this was a lot harder than you might thing. This may have been the most difficult thing I’ve done in my life, next to learning how to walk.

Do you remember the first time you saw your first crush in life? Well I don’t. I don’t remember a lot of “firsts” in my life. In fact, for the most part, the most prominent firsts I remember in my life are the first time I heard certain albums or songs, etc.

You know, I have never really taken the time to think about how prominent a role music has played in my life until a few days ago. I guess since I grew up around so much music, between my dad and my real mother, that I never took the time to realize just how important it has been. I’m the guy who always has to have music playing be it in the car, or on a star, by the bay, or Ashenkashay, I do not like green eggs and ham…I’m Panama bitch.

But I digress.

I even need to hear music in order to concentrate. I can’t focus unless I have music playing in the background. I can’t sleep with music playing because I’ll just listen to it and not go to sleep. Though a few weeks ago, I did falll asleep while listening to De La Soul’s Stakes Is High album, but I’ll just assume that’s because I was tired and not because I think it sucks. Which I do.

And I’m a huge De La Soul fan.

All that to say that I’m going to list my 10 favorite hip-hop albums and explain why they are favorites and where I was when I first heard the album. These albums helped me become the music and rap lover that I am. There is only one album for which I can’t remember hearing it the first time and deeply troubles me. Oh well…fuck it. As usual, I’ll probably throw a few pesronal anecdotes in the middle.

And for you graduates out there, antidotes save people, anecdotes are stories.

Laugh now, but somebody doesn’t know what it means.

I was going to try to go in descending order, but truthfully, the only one’s that matter in order are numbers 1 and 2 for me. Everything else is just number 3. And I’d recommend all of these albums.

And since this is going to be long, I”m gonna do 10-6 today and 5-1 tomorrow.

Panama Jackson Presents Albums That Changed My Life (At Least for 10 Seconds)

10. DJ Quik Safe + Sound (released 1995)

Where I First Heard It: During the summer at my mother’s house in West Bumblefuck, Michigan I’d often just spend hours listening to WJLB out of Detroit since birdcalling and throwing rocks got old really quickly. It was the main hiphop station and anybody from Detroit is familiar with it. Well, I heard the title track “Safe + Sound” and I knew I just had to have it.

Why I Love It: Anybody who knows me is aware that DJ Quik is my favorite rapper/producer from Cali. Hell, he had me wanting to be from Compton. Aside from the shitty ass “Justify My Thug” from Jay-Z’s The Black Album, I haven’t really not liked anything he’s done, and I blame Jay for picking that shit, not Quik for making it. From the very first time I heard “Sweet Black Pussy” off the Quik Is The Name album (I can also very vividly remember where I was the first time I heard that song), I was a fan. I was also 11. This album is the mos thugged out musical masterpiece I’ve ever heard. Quik had become way more of a musician by this album ( a trait that has probably cost him some fans over the years), and amidst his humor and violence and profanity (I love me some good ignorance) and all of the Blood related shit he was talking, I was sold. The album is just funky. Plus, I swear we have the same sense of humor.

Stand-Out Tracks: “Safe + Sound”, “This Is For The Hoe In You”, “Dollaz ‘N Sense”

Quick DJ Quik-Related Story: Not sure anybody remembers AMG from the early ’90s or not. But he used to run with DJ Quik. Anyway, he had the seminal classic song “Bitch Betta Have My Money”. I remember in like 91 or 92, I was on a bus trip to Holland (I was living in Germany then) and me and my friend decided to count all of the curse words in that song. I think we counted well over 200. Well, somebody told on us and we got jacked for my tape. The teacher took the tape and gave a copy of it to our parents. Let’s just say…I got my ass…BUSTED.

9. Blackalicious Nia (released 2000)

Where I First Heard It: At the University of Maryland’s Adele H. Stamp Student Center in the bookstore at one of their listening stations in July of 2000. My life changed that day. It instantly became a favorite album of mine.

Why I Love It: Well for one, I just love the group name Blackalicious. That sounds like some shit I’d come up with. For two, it’s just a well produced and executed album. They’re from non-LA California and they have a sort of Native Tongues feel to them. The producer Chief Xcel put his foot into the beats and Gift of Gab, the lyricist, is one of my favorites. He has about a good million or so flows over the course of this album. It’s not an album full of violence, bitches, or drugs. It’s a thinking man’s album, so to speak, except it doesn’t come off corny or preachy, unlike their last album which I think sucks more ass than Janet Jacme. It’s not an album for everybody as I know lots of folks who pretty much don’t like them in the slightest, but it’s a classic to me. Even HipHopSite gave it a classic rating (which is why I thought to listen to the album in the first place). I just really love this group and especially this album. I’ll check for anything they do just because of it.

Stand-Out Tracks: “Shallow Days”, “A to G”, “Sleep”

Blackalicious Related Trivia: A lot of people probably think they’ve never heard of Blackalicious or heard any songs by them. Not true. If you’re a black person, you’ve seen Brown Sugar and at least three of their songs are very prominently displayed in that movie. 1) When Taye Diggs gets out of the cab that Mos Def is driving and he starts walking and looking at the kids playing in the park and reminisces about the “good old days” the song “Make You Feel That Way” is playing; 2) At the housewarming/engagement/whatever party Sanaa Lathan was having where Boris proposed, the song playing in the background is “It’s Going Down”; and 3) The song that begins playing when Taye Diggs and Mos Def get to Hot 97 as he finally asks her out is “Day One”. All three songs are on the Blazing Arrow album, which is criminally overlooked as a great album. That last song took me a good month to remember what album that song was on since they play the part the version sans lyrics.

8. Goodie Mob Soul Food (released 1995)

“…bumpin’ Goodie Mob Soul Food number 4…” T.I. “Top Back” King

Where I First Heard It: I actually heard snippets of this album before I heard the whole thing because one of my boy’s brothers in high school worked at LaFace in Atlanta for a summer or something and got some stolen copy of the sampler a good 6 months before their album dropped. I was driving around Huntsville as the only cat who had parts of Soul Food and turned EVERYBODY onto the shit. Folks were hating at first on the Mob, but when the album dropped, every body was on their nuts. But I heard the snippets at my boys house right before his brother gave me the tape since he hated it. It felt like Christmas.

Why I Love It: These were some of the grittiest niggas on the planet. Plus they coined the phrase Dirty South (Soul Food, track #4), which is still riding strong to this day. To this day I’m still scared of Khujo because he seemed like the angriest nigga live. Ice Cube had nothing on Khujo Goodie. I got his autograph once and I was afraid to ask him for it. This album is just very straight forward and has some of the best of the Orangized Noise production work of any album. Gritty but soulful, powerful but not abrasive. Plus these dudes were spitting some real shit. I don’t think there’s a single punchline on the whole album. Just honest straight forward spittin. They were talking about life and how fucked up it can be. And I loved it. And the song “Soul Food” is one of the best southern songs ever made. I will stand by that statement forever. Oh yeah, and I HATE HATE HATE T-Mo Goodie, though I know a lot of people love his ass. Everytime he says “coming up in this life of crime” (which he says on like 4 songs) I just want to stab Bob Barker. And for some reason, the song “The Day After” always makes me sentimental. I just get swept away listening to it. And I’m still a manly man bitches.

Stand-Out Tracks: “Soul Food”, “Cell Therapy”, “Dirty South”, “Thought Process (classic Dre, not Andre 3000 verse)”, “The Day After”

Goodie Mob Related Story: I remember in my Biology class at Morehouse a full fledged argument broke out, which completely disrupted the class, between two dudes arguing over which album was better, Soul Food or Still Standing. And when I say argument, I mean as in a fight might break out. THAT is how you know you make poweful music. When niggas will potentially forego their education to make sure you understand the passion they feel about their favorite albums. College can’t be what it used to be.

7. A Tribe Called Quest Midnight Marauders (released 1993)

Where I First Heard It: This is the album I can’t remember first hearing, probably cuz I really got into Tribe late. So I’ll assume from my boy Johnny Kwest going thru his CD’s at our apartment in college. So maybe a good 7 years late.

Why I Love It: I have no excuse for getting into Midnight Marauders late. Especially since I was a big fan of “Scenario” from The Low End Theory. I just never really liked Tribe like that. I hated “Check The Rhyme” with the passion of Mel Gibson and “Bonita Appebum”, eh, I’ll pass. But when I heard “Electric Relaxation” I was done. Then I got the album and the shit bangs from start to finish. How ANYBODY thinks Tribe’s first two albums are better than this is beyond me. In fact, if you think that, you are wrong. Period. And your opinion on hiphop just may become moot to me. The beats bang, the production is just better, its just a better album. Period. Any true hiphop fan needs this in their catalog.

Stand-Out Tracks: “Electric Relaxation”, “Sucka Nigga”, “We Can Get Down”, “Clap Your Hands”, “Award Tour”, fuck it, the whole thing

ATCQ Realization: I know why I got on Tribe late. During their heyday, I was HEAVY into the West Coast. From Ice Cube to NWA to DJ Quik to Snoop to the DOC to Above The Law, if it wasn’t the West Coast during this time, I probably wasn’t listening. Hell I paid 25 bucks like a year ago for an album by a nigga named Lil Half Dead from Long Beach that I had the tape of (and lost) in like 1994. And he is the WORST rapper ever, but his beats were hot as hell. Wesssssssssyde.

6. Ice Cube Death Certificate (released 1991)

Where I First Heard It: On the Strasse (German subway) heading to school in 6th grade. I heard the “Giving Up The Nappy Dugout” cuz one of my friends had the tape. I was SOLD.

Why I Love It: I’ve always loved Ice Cube. I mean, he was the Angriest Nigga Alive until like 1993, and then in 1995 Khujo Goodie took over (see #8). Arguably AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted is a better album, but this joint just bangs from start to finish. He was going for the top spot with this album and he clinched it. The production was great, Cube was still a good rapper, and amidst the street stories he would throw in some funny ass songs, like “Giving Up The Nappy Dugout”, a nice euphemism for the poonany. (You remember MC Brains?) Anyway, Cube just had a way with the rhymes back then and this album fully illustrated it. He could get political, racial, discuss STD’s, get ignorant…he just ran the gamut. He also had one of the best diss tracks to come out of the whole NWA/Ice Cube feud with “No Vaseline”. And for that I appreciate him. At least I did because now I never want to hear him rap again. EVER.

“I’ll never have dinner with the President…” - Ice Cube, 1991, “No Vaseline”

Why would I not be surprised to see his ass sitting up at the White House nowadays with George Bush sipping tea? Oh how the mighty have fallen. Not that they’d see eye to eye, but Bush might give him some award for his humanitarian efforts and thank him for not rapping anymore.

Stand-Out Tracks: “Steady Mobbin’”, “The Wrong Nigga To Fuck Wit”, “No Vaseline”

Ice Cube Related Story: Last summer, I was driving a friend of mine to work in the morning and I was playing Death Certificate. My friend, who is black, after listening to a few songs was like, “damn, I can see why white people were afraid of him. I’m afraid of him after listening to this.” She then realized it was Ice Cube and now he makes movies like Are We There Yet? She is no longer scared. Anytime an album can make you feel like a white person, that is some powerful music.

Tomorrow: #s 1-5

Welcome, everybody, to hiphop week here at Jackson G. Tickle Enterprises. Because I am the master of my domain (that’s kind of funny if you think about it since I do indeed own this here domain and could be called Master…blaster…that’s some hiphop for that ass), I have decided that this entire week will be devoted to albums that changed my life, the culture, the people involved, and just all things hippety hoppity in nature.

First up, I’d bequeath you to venture over to The Champ aka D.Young’s site to witness the full scale ethering that has occurred. ANOTHER dumb fuck has gone and stolen blog entries from yours truly and D.Young and Brutha Code and Leon, etc. Why these ignant niggas don’t catch a clue I have no idea. I was going to son his ass over here today as well but el pussolito took down his site since, of course, he read D.Young’s site looking for something else to jack overnight and Poof the Magic Gila Monster, it’s magically gone.

Since Jason C. will no doubt read this at some point, I would like to say that I have to at least give you some credit bucko. I give you props for creating misspellings in my shit and adding your own little spin to or changing up sentences. Congratulations, you went from riding the bench on the AAU All-Pussy team to being a starter.

You remember Starter jackets? Hang yourself with one.

Unfortunately you’re a bitch and your momma should be disappointed in you. In fact, she should hate you. But thanks for the compliment of jacking my shit.

*****

Are you a school teacher and can’t understand why your students misspell simple words such as “them” or “the” and would like to understand how to better relate and you refuse to accept Ebonics?

Do you want to know why when answering a yes or no question, your students inexplicably always yell out “YEAAAAH!” at the top of their lungs? Or constantly question you by saying “WHAAAAAT?!” over and over?

Have you been trying to figure out just what kind of animal a Young Jeezy is since you can’t find a regular Jeezy in your state-sanctioned biology textbooks but are afraid to ask your students because you really should know?

Well fret not. The Tickle Academy is here to provide a quick tutorial for all of the white, black, yellow, and brown people who are so out of touch with the current hiphop trends that they didn’t know that “crunk” was not the past participle of crank.

We at The Tickle Academy strive for the ultimate in the education experience. Our motto? We learn you bitches good!

[***DISCLAIMER: This tutorial will not be about your daddy's hip-hop and its for the totally oblivious. This is about becoming a part of today's hiphop scene. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. ***]

Welcome to hip-hop.

Step 1: Go To Your Local Ghetto and buy a Mixtape, Preferably from the G-Unit or Diplomats (Ask the African selling them who is who and try not to look too oblivious or you will end up paying 20 dollars for a 2 dollar mixtape).

There is no better place to start your hiphop experience than the modern day crapfest that are mixtapes. Plus, with this you can kill two birds with one stone. You see, mixtapes are easily downloadable from the internet, but you need to understand the place the mixtapes come from. Though more times than not, if you’re students constantly misspell “them” and “the” you just might working in the ghetto anyway, in which case, head to the internet and find a mixtape with some completely idiotic looking black man on the front usually flanked by lots of things he cannot afford. Look specially for tapes by some fellow who goes by the name of 50 Cent or a fellow who will probably be wearing lots of fur and shorts by the name of Cam’ron.

Why mixtapes? Well, mixtapes provide you the latest in what’s going on in modern day hiphop complete with the totally asinine niggas yelling over everysong and lackluster lyrical performances. Since rap really isn’t what it used to be anyway, the mixtape is the best place to see the very thing that is wrong with rap, aside from the exploitation of the industry. You see, today…

…rappers suck ass.

But alas, mixtapes provide lessons in slanguage, drug acumen, the federal penal code, and strip club etiquette. It is here that you will find out why your kids seem to be so good at moving the decimal in math, i.e. moving from kilo grams to milli grams, and going from ounces to pounds, but totally suck at English since they can’t seem to quite grasp that the concept that the proper way to say (and write) “hello” is not “What it do? What tha bizness is?”

Step 2: Venture to MTVJams.

It is very important to understand why the little girls at your school dress like hookers. Or why the young me dress like they’re parents don’t love them. Unfortunately, rappers are role models. Therefore it is important to watch some of rappers are doing since these will inevitably shape the trends your children see.

On the offchance that you see Shawnna’s video for “Gettin’ Some” and you have no clue what the hell she is “getting”…it is head. Head as in female fellatio. As in ticklin’ the clitlin’. Feel free to send any and all of your children to the principal’s office if they start singin’ that song in class. It is obscene.

Step 3: After you listen to the mixtapes and watch the videos, you will need a translator.

This may be the most important step. Reason being, just because you hear them doesn’t mean you understand one iota of what the helly they are saying. For instance, it is wholly possible that you have heard a few of your students telling the other students to “go dumb” or “go stupid” and you probably thought they were being unnecessarily rude. In fact, they were encouraging the other students to exercise as “going dumb” is a dance “craze” in the Bay area where folks basically just lose it and go gyrationistic and get “hyphy” which also means to “go dumb”.

But how would you know that?

Get a translator. Just pay some kid to shut up and explain the shit to you. Try not to sleep with said student if you’re a woman or you might end up on TV and then jail with a bunch of women who speak slang and won’t really be concerned if you don’t understand it.

Step 4: Go buy a hiphop magazine, preferably a XXL or a Vibe.

Now I particularly hate both of those magazines but they are pretty elementary so reading them should be a breeze. Other magazines are way better but they would require you to have some knowledge of something other than the ability to read. XXL or Vibe…do not. So, buy these magazines and skip about 80 pages to get past the ads that run rampant and read about your students favorite rappers du jour since the same rappers grace the covers of these magazines ad nauseum. Read about all of the drugs they sold and how they were just that nice with the microphone that they couldn’t not rap and get their boys out the hood. Also understand this, rappers have some strange names. Busta Rhymes is a person, not an action. I mean, it is an action, but in most cases its a person. And yes, even in rap, a man named Puffy can be somebody or a femininely named fellow named Suge Knight can be the most feared man in the industry. From jail.

Also recognize that a lot of these people are solely popular in the black world as Ted Turner probably has no idea who Suge Knight is.

He also doesn’t care.

And finally…

Step 5: Watch BET for no longer than 15 minutes at a time as the content will be offensive and you may get dumber.

This is the ultimate step for you. After having scoured mixtapes, videos, and magazines, its time to see if you can understand what goes on at the one place where all of that useless knowledge is, well, useful…BET. If you can watch BET, especially 106&Park and understand the hosts who say “that’s what’s up” entirely WAY too many times and you know what they mean; or you can watch Lil Kim’s “Going To Jail” special (why ANYBODY would want to chronicle somebody’s quest for jail is beyond me) and you undestand what the pint-sized violationist vixen is saying; or further, you understand, empathize, and decide that the whole Stop Snitchin’ campaign is totally and unavoidably necessary….well…

…then you have arrived.

You are now ready to take your knowledge into the classroom and the streets and show the little bastards who think they can run over you since you are so detached that you are down with Duke Da God. That you love Cam’ron and his intricate wordplay.

That Young Jeezy does indeed have a movement, not an album and every true nigga needs some Thug Motivation.

Welcome to the wonderful world of hip-hop 2006.

It is now and will be forever more that:

“Life ain’t nothing but bitches and money…”

Thank you for visiting and learning with The Tickle Academy.