Over the past few months, I’ve posted on a plethora of things. Yet in all that time, I’ve managed to stray away from the most important thing I can think of in life…

…me…

…and my sexxy.

Yes you out there in the crowd?

Panama, how do you do it? How do you maintain your sexy?

Excuse me, it’s sexXy…two X’s.

How could you hear that I only used one X??

I’m sexxy like that.

In all my benevolence, I’ve decided to let you, the masses, in on a secret. As was offered in the comment section, I will offer up a step-by-step booklet (for you to get) on how to get your sexxy on. And no, this ain’t no Puffy-level Proactiv sexxy here…this is that real shit the shit to make you feel shit have you in the club lookin’ in the mirror while other folks love shit.

Yes, it’s the real…sexxy.

(I will also attempt to break the world’s record for the number of times the word sexxy can be used in a single entry.)

Sexxy sexxy sexxy sexxy sexxy sexxy.

I can do that…I’m sexxy.

I wasn’t always so sexxy. No. Once upon a time, I was a regular old traffic stopping stunner. But something was missing. Then one day, it happened. I realized that hey, Panama, you are a sexxy bitch. Umm…no brokeback. My friends from college can attest to the fact that I would indeed, rebut any stupid thing I said or did with the term, “I’m sexxy.” As if that automatically made whatever I said or did worthy of note, documentation, and Smithsonian review. They were sexxy times bitches…sexxy times. And they haven’t changed.

My name is Panama D. Jackson, and I am sexxy.

And you can be too. So let’s get started, shall we?

Yes, let’s.

Panama Jackson Presents…Obtaining Your Second “X”: The Killa’s 10 Commandments to Gettin’ Your SexXy

Yaymen.

“I’m so fly with it, look how I did it…” - Kanye West, “Late”, Late Registration

“the fuck you expect, I’ve got a history…” - Kanye West, “They Say”, from Common’s Be

I absofuckin’lutely love that line. And you will learn to love those lines as well. Some see those lines as arrogance, to me, I see it as truth (for Kanye and to a slightly lesser extent, yours truly). Which leads us right into our first Commandment.

1st Commandment: Thou shalt be convincing. And not be a dickhead whilst doing it.

The key to being sexxy is getting other people to buy into the bullshit you are espousing without belittling anybody in the process. People don’t like belittlers and women don’t like littlers. My weapon of choice is comedy.

Gem For Life: You can get away with damn near ANYTHING if you make people laugh. It also helps if you don’t look like a pterodactyl.

I am an asshole. I run with it. You see, I’m not afraid to let the asshole within out. You should do this as well. As long as you don’t piss people off in the process (read: comedy) you can get a pass on many a thing because people will hopefully know that deep down inside you aren’t NEARLY as bad as you come across or realize that some of it is show. Basically, don’t try to hurt people’s feelings and make them feel like you believe you are better than them. No, you are just more sexxy. There is a difference.

Simultaneously…

2nd Commandment: Thou shalt do what the fuck thou wantsteth to do.

You see, it is damn near IMPOSSIBLE to be sexxy if you are constantly second guessing yourself or worrying about what other muhfuckas are going to think after you do something. I mean, if you aren’t bringing down a government, fuck it…make it happen, cap’n. I say a lot of stupid shit. A lot. This blog is the tip of the iceberg. If you had to deal with what my friends had to deal with on a daily basis…well, let’s just say, I’ve got great friends. Thing is, I’m comfortable enough with my sexxy to keep it moving and offering up the random tidbits of what-the-fuckedness.

For instance. Or as the French would say, for instance. You see, that in and of itself was stupid as uptight downstrokes in the rain. 3rd Commandment: Don’t be afraid to be wrong.

You know why? If you are truly sexxy, as I am, you have a built in response to everything.

Panama, son, what is 2+2?

Shiiiiiit, 847!

Dude, it’s 4.

I’m sexxy.

End game. There is no retort because it requires none. You got the answer wrong, and are okay with it. You know why? I’ll tell you why. It’s because you are sexxy. That’s why.

4th Commandment: Be wrong and randomly wrong often.

You see, having that built in line, makes life all the more entertaining. You can just blatantly do your own thing at all times and spin the answers the way you see fit. If you think that 2+2 should be 5, then dammit, make sure everybody knows that. And in the event that people refuse to accept it, make sure to remind them just how sexxy you truly are and that your sexxiness trumps all else. Things that have rhyme and reason should no longer have rhyme and reason. In fact, you recreate the status quo. And do you know why?

Because you’re sexxy. Bitches.

Number 5 should have been number 1 to me…

5th Commandment: Thou shouldn’t confuse sexxy with just regular sexy.

People tend to think that when I say sexxy, I mean that I am sexy. No, when I say sexxy, I mean sexxy. Understand?

You see how I explained that without explaining shit?

6th Commandment: If people don’t get you…fuck ‘em up against the wall. Oh wait…sorry. Thou shalt if people don’t get you…fuck ‘em up against the wall.

Of course, this rebuts that whole 1st Commandment, don’t be a dickhead thing. But did you see I, Robot? Do you remember the ghosts in the machine? Me neither, however, you can’t go around trying to make people feel better about themselves by explaining yourself all the time. Do you and someobdy will get you some of the time. Nobody will never not get you all of the time…after the hurricane. Understand that the last sentence made total sense to me in my mind. Also understand that I have no idea why it did. You see, half the time, understanding your own train of thought is a full time job.

And who wants one of those.

I understand that this commandment seems slightly arrogant. And I quote:

“the fuck you expect, I’ve got a history…”

Plus, I’m sexxy. Bitches.

Are you starting to catch on yet?

7th Commandment: Thou shalt be open-minded.

Hmm, I bet you didn’t see that one coming did you. I also bet you can’t do it like this, which is a song I absofuckin’ lutely HATE. In fact, I hate D4L with the passion of the Honda Accord. (See, once again, its okay to be random and make no sense). It is important to be openminded in life period and be willing to at least LISTEN to other people’s opinions. Hell you might learn something. For instance, if I tell you that the Arctic Monkey’s album WHATEVER PEOPLE SAY I AM, THAT’s WHAT I’M NOT, is that hot shit, you shouldn’t automatically turn your nose up and say, what the fuck is that? Is that some white shit? Yes it is…and it’s great. You should at least be willing to give it a shot. That way, people won’t think that you believe you are merely sexy with one x, but sexxy with two x’s.

Come to think of it though, the mere fact that I’m telling you means that it is gospel.

What was I saying again? Oh yes, being openminded. With great sexxiness comes great responsibility. Which means that people will come to you in hopes of obtaining a mere morsel of your sexxiness. It is important to offer precise, well-thought out, unassholish advice whenever possible. However, if an asshole comes at you sideways, it is also okay to be a total asshole to them. Once again, please…fuck ‘em up against a wall.

8th Commandment: Thou shalt be cool.

You know, this one might be hard for many a boho out there. Cool isn’t something you can buy somewhere. You either got it or you don’t got it. However, I also believe that most folks have some semblance of cool, they just haven’t been able to properly harness it. I blame slavery. And yes, that goes for white people too. Non-sequiter? You betcha bottom dollar.

The majority of the aforementioned, previously stated, I done already told you, scroll up bitches, commandments are part-and-parcel to being cool. You can’t get away with any of that other shit if you aren’t a cool person by nature. In essence, somebody aside from your mother has to like you. It helps if you don’t include family period. You must find someway to not be a spazz or someway to be comfortable enough with yourself for somebody out there to say, “Hey, you know that Panama is one cool fellow.” Feel free to substitue your name for Panama in there, unless you are a one eyed one armed flying purple people eater. In which case, substitute the name Bob in there.

Also realizing that falling asleep at a table full of drunk bloggers does not remove an X from your sexxy. It merely illuminates another way for everybody else to improve on their sexxy.

Yes niggas, it is important to get sleep.

9th Commandment: Thou shalt realize that you don’t have to look sexxy to be sexxy, you have to feel sexxy.

Just let your soul glow, just let it shine thru. You know why? It’s cuz that’s all that matters.

Actually, that’s a lie. Looking like Fred Flinstone’s big toe will probably make your ascension to sexxy more difficult than you think.

However…eat well.

And finally…

10th Commandment: Thou shalt be like Panama Jackson in every conceivable way.

I’m not just sexxy, I’m the definition of it.

They call me Panama…Panama Jackson.

You now have all the knowledge you need to go forth into the world and attempt to be obtain your second “X”. Go forth with said knowledge and change the world.

And the chuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch said…yay-men.

Good night and good luck.

(You must also feel comfortable jacking pop culture for catch-phrases, slanguage, and Paris Hilton.)

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006 at 10:42 am and is filed under Best of Panama, Learn Ya Somethin', Panama's How-To's. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.