I Want My MTV
Television this past week has been filled with lots of blog fodder…so today, I shall randomly discuss many of the occurences since I don’t feel like doing a post on all of them individually.
Follow me…and if you’re slow…back that ass up.
-Everybody saw the show Black.White. on Wednesday night. I’m no different. If anything this show won’t exactly change race relations, though it will give me something to laugh about. And for the record, I hate EVERYBODY on the show EXCEPT the white girl. Bruno is the standard white man who doesn’t think racism exists, the black father (can’t remember his name) has already turned into the angry black man. I think there’s a bit of lost-ness on both of their parts. The black man is so angry, I swear I saw him point to an oil spot on the road and say that it was the white man’s way of saying black folks aren’t better than a box of Wheaties. That might be confusing for some.
Me too.
Conversely, the white dude is so oblivious that they held a KKK rally in front of their house and the white dude just said they were Sheet salesmen from Sears. The boy sucks, the wives need to just oil up and fight now. At least the girl isn’t dumb enough to think that she really is going to be a black person. Also…did you see the newfound love the two white folks found when they changed colors? Man…I felt dirty just watching them as they lusted for eachother in their new skins. Somebody needs to take on THAT angle, STAT. Shit, two seconds as black folks and they were ready to get that jungle love going. And yes, junglebunny has to be one of the strangest racial slurs ever.
This show will clearly be discussed weekly while its on.
-The new season of America’s Next Top Model has started. And similar to Black.White., I damn near hate every chick on the show thus far. Except the racist white Republican chick who didn’t make it into the house. I love her. She needs a reality show quick. I want to see her in a house with Flavor Flav or Crunchy Black. Some cable exec had to be watching ANTM and realized the gold mine that she is. Questioning why any black person would work at Abercrombie & Fitch (since we don’t wear clothes like those) and THEN countering with, “I mean, I wouldn’t get a job at FUBU…” Classic. I love her. That’s how I like my racists: honest, unapologetic, and totally unafraid to expose themselves on national television while trying to CONVINCE people to give them a chance. Oh yeah, I also like my racists to not believe they are racists…that’s how you drive up ratings.
As far as the rest of the cast, they picked one helluva psychologically jacked up cast. Jade, the “bi-racial butterfly” who is so arrogant that even I hate her (and trust me, that’s saying somethign), to the Confused Asian chick, to the black woman who’s mama needs to be slapped 18 ways from July 4th, FURONDA…
STOP.
I know a lot of black folks are on this whole idea of: why must we conform with our name choices to mainstream society? We shouldn’t be discriminated against for being the creative people that we are. Well, black people, there you go. This is what happens when we decide to go that creative route. Her name is Furonda. Unless there is an African country, river, village, or juju-bee named Furonda, I assume her momma likes fur. We need to have some kind of naming Commission or something. I’ll even volunteer to head it up. If you come with a WACKTASTIC name you get the gas face, the thizz face, and Joan Rivers should be able to slap you with a used tire. Then…as an additional punishment, you are either given the name Bob (not Robert…Bob) if your kid is a boy, or Rebecca if it’s a girl, by default. No if’s, ands or buts about it.
Continued. Danielle is alright except for her teeth. She has the Tyson Beckford grill. It’s kind of like the Foreman Grill, only this one gives you a burger with pockets. Then there’s Mollie Sue…this is the current white equivalent of Furonda. It is now 2006. She is no older than say 25. What in blue thunder were her parents thinking in the early 80’s? I knew a chick in high school named Molly. She was handicapped and drove one of those scooters and used to run over everybody in the hallway. Shit….
…she’d take out your ankles in a New York Minuute. Which is something like what’s left of Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe’s marriage.
And Nnenna ain’t that fine…she just has a good backstory and gives good face. Which sounds like porn lingo.
-My favorite channel right now, vh1, is running their “I Love Toys” special. And do you know The Big Wheel was ranked like number 30 something? THE BIG WHEEL??? One of the most revolutionary toys ever. For the record, the voters have come up with a list of the 100 best toys and their staff of B-List celebrities are discussing them. It’s great. I’d love to work there. In fact that has supplanted, Be One of the men Halle Berry runs off, as my number one goal in life now…work for vh1.
Just a great show like all the rest of their shows.
vh1 also had the DMC Adoption special. That was heartwarming. I wonder what the over/under on the number of days before one of his newfound brothers or sister and mother asks for some money. I’m saying it took 2 weeks. Any bets?
And of course, vh1 has the Flavor of Love finale. I might shed a tear. We need more Flavor Flav in our lives.
BREAK IN THE PROGRAMMING FOR APOLOGY FROM JACKSON G. TICKLE ENTERPRISES PUBLIC RELATIONS MANAGER:
Panama Jackson would like to apologize upfront for the following transgression. The temptation was too strong and he could not stop himself. That is all. All questions and beefs may be targeted here.
-I watched College Hill on BET last night. I couldn’t resist. I didn’t even know it was coming on I just happened to be scrolling thru my channels and there it was. So I went to view it and see which HBCU was next to call their morality into question. This season, the winner/loser is Virginia State University. They even managed to get a white Paul Wall-ish dude into the house. They ran two episodes yesterday. So far the Puerto Rican chick is clearly going to be the hell raiser. She’s gone topless in the jacuzzi DURING HOMECOMING WITH A BUNCH OF FOLKS IN HER PRESENCE and got upset because niggas weren’t acting right.
Ummm…riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Somehow, one of the dudes in the house still hangs with his 44 year old frat brother (they are Ques) who comes into a house full of 18-22 year olds and tries to holler at the women. This dude might need to be easy because he has that R.Kelly-Woody Allen look in his eyes the whole time. But this cast doesn’t seem so bad yet though the entire first two episodes were dedicated to who was going to “hook up” which is funny because apparently black folks are starting to use that term, though ironically, when one of the black folks said it, I knew exactly what that meant…fucking.
Don’t you love how I just totally misused the word “ironically” in that sentence?
Between all of vh1’s quality programming and all of these other can’t miss shows, looks to be one hell of a season for TV watching.
And I’d like to once again apologize for watching BET, but at least I didn’t watch the Lil Kim series…my hypocrisy only goes so far.
Good Night and Good luck.
Ichiban bitches.
March 10th, 2006 10:14
I love your blog..first time here……we watched the same shows……….except for the DMC adoption special…..do you watch AMazing Race? And is it me or is the real “black” family from Black.white irritating? Like he still stuck in the “movement’ nad everthing is a conspiracy…….
March 10th, 2006 10:33
Hey Missy welcome…I not only watch the Amazing Race, I tried out for it. The audition tape that me and my boy created is still talked about by folks in my grad school administration office. I went with the whole sexxy motif…no wonder we didn’t make it.
As far as the black father goes…I don’t even think he’s really that bad normally. I think he’s being pushed into conspiracy theorist because the white dude seems to adamant in denying racism. It’s one of those situations where black folks get pissed and start overdoing it just to prove a point and in doing that, invalidating everything that we’re trying to say by saying something like, basketball is a sexual representation of race relations and the white man’s fear of black men getting into white woman’s panties…
Oh my bad, Frances Cress-Welsing did that already…
March 10th, 2006 10:41
The Big Wheel status has remained legendary in my family ever since my six-year-old cousin was pulled over on the Fourth of July about three miles from home by a police officer. She was riding her big wheel and had a beach towel around her neck, and an inflatable smurf ring around her waist. She was on her way to the pool.
Good parenting.
March 10th, 2006 11:10
LOL great post Panama,
I thought I was the only one that peeped the white couple get all hot and bothered when they became “black”. I felt dirty as well, like i suddenly needed to take another shower. I also do think the black father is a “I wanted to be a black panther but was too scared”. When him and the white guy were walking and the lady moved to the side, I saw nothing. Yet, “Huey” still felt that she moved because they were both “black”.
Yeah the only “normal” one on the cast is the white daughter. She doesnt seem to be disillusioned like the rest.
And you should have watched Lil Kim’s show just for the laughs. “cuz im hood rich daa daa da daaaaa”.
March 10th, 2006 11:11
You couldn’t be any realer about VH-1’s programming. The DMC special was FANTASTIC. It actually made me shed a tear at the end. Damn I wish BET had shows like that! Oh well…
March 10th, 2006 11:41
I think the Black.White. show has to be staged. I find it hard to believe that the black turned white family can actually pass. Their makeup is bad and makes it so obvious.
March 10th, 2006 12:20
Dude the Sopranos are back on this Sunday and don’t forget the Polygamy show. Yup thank god for Tivo. Otherwise I’d never be able to leave the house.
March 10th, 2006 13:08
I was saying the same thing about the Black.White show. Also, I think the white man got a little too happy about being able to say the word nigger….he would NOT stop. The I Love Toys on vh1 has already had some surprises, especially the big wheel. That and transformers should have been ranked better in my opinion. I have been saying for awhile that vh1 shows are on point! I even tried to boycott Flavor of Love but one show got me hooked. It’s like watching a bad car wreck. Anyway, you know I watch all of these shows because I am a junkie. Except for ANYTHING on BET………I’m a little hurt that you gave them your time, sniff sniff.
March 10th, 2006 17:09
I went to the priemer of the Black. White. show and umm…Bruno, the white man, was a pain in the ass. He was out of pocket a few times in the panel discussion, and Cube had to check him and so did the Black man. I don’t think the black man is as militant as you guys may think, but Bruno is just more of an ass and he’d frustrate the hell out of you in this situation. The daughter, Rose, has some sense and she’s my favorite out of the whole cast. I think Bruno is her stepdad because I chatted up her dad and he had way more sensibility in regards to race relations than Bruno is probably even capable of having.