(Most Known Unknowns no longer…now white people know who you are.)

“Crunchy Black has an Oscar. We have to prepare ourselves for the fact that the world may be coming to an end.” ~ semi-incorrect words (Cruncy Black actually isn’t one of the authors or producers of the song…hence he didn’t really win shit…but the sentiment is still right) uttered by my boy The Great, shortly after Queen Latifah announced to the world that members of Three 6 Mafia won the oscar for Best Original Song.

And I couldn’t be happier. Well aside from the potential end of the world, but I had a good run.

Seriously.

Admittedly, I’m black.

Yes I know. Shocking. What that means is that much like every other black person that can read or even knows who Truman Capote was, I was a tad nervous as to what the Three 6 Mafia was going to bring to the stage last night. Nervous might not be the right word.

Terrified might be more appropos.

Honestly, I hid under my couch while they were performing. Okay, that was dumb. I don’t have a couch. I have a futon.

But lo and behold, Three 6 gave us the absolute whitest rendition of that song they could give, complete with white interpretive dancers and…fuck it, they gave us interpretive dancers period. There was actual choreography (and they thanked the choreographer on stage…who saw THAT coming?) to give the song somewhat of a more finessed feel. And it worked. I’m as amazed as anybody else, but it worked. It was a good performance. Very white (mainstream), but good.

After it was over…I made sure to look out my window to see if time had magically reverted back to the mid-1800’s. Apparently, they DID NOT set us back.

Even Taraji Henson was lovely, if not a smidge out of place in her Oscar gown. I love her. She’s so ‘hood it’s ridiculous.

To cap off the toned down performance, Taraji Henson ended the song with a run that I couldn’t find on my Hustle & Flow soundtrack for shit. I listened over and over again and it just wasn’t there. Yes, I own it. And love it.

Basically, they did what anybody put in their position would do. They made you focus on the actual song as opposed to the people delivering it.

Which is the EXACT opposite of what a good 99% of us expected.

We ain’t shit.

A damn shame how sometimes we forget that though some of these rappers seem to exude ghetto-ocity in everything they do, they are ultimately smart people who have made moves and shakes to be successful at their chosen field. We don’t give them much credit apparently. And we can argue about their business acumen later, but you will be wrong.

However, as surprised as I was at the performance, NOTHING prepared me for the fact that they would actually win the Oscar for Best Original Song…against Dolly “My Boobs Are Too Big To Box With God” Parton.

And once again, I couldn’t be happier.

Since they are black, out of nowhere, we got the obligatory…”thank you Jesus.”

Good times.

But back to the surprise of them winning. You know, I know a lot of black folks who have disdain for the movie and further couldn’t care less about no damn “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp” song. Me, I love the song. I’ll be the first to tell you.

I’m a fan of Three 6 Mafia. I’m not saying that they are the best rappers out there, but I’ll be damned if they can’t put together a good album. And who wasn’t bumping “Stay Fly (High)” since last summer? But many a nigra was downright offended by the Oscar’s choice of that song. Not even realizing how good the song was IN RELATION TO THE MOVIE. It fit the movie to a “T”…which is the POINT.

[***Sidenote: What the fuck does that saying "to a T" mean anyway? Is it because the the horizontal line sits right up there perfectly balanced in the actual formation of the "T"? And does it matter if its lowercase? Also, does that take into account the use of nails and other hardware in today's societ? Inquiring minds would like to know. ***]

We fell into the old, “well see we only get nominated for shit like that…” Yada yada yada. And since there were so many people who either hated or loved the movie, black people that is, had we been voting, it wouldn’t have won.

Thank God for white people. Oh, and the Academy… who are the ones who voted for that song to win. Oh right, I had the Academy covered by saying white people. Let Halle, Denzel, and Jamie Foxx in and I done plum forgot that that’s only 4.

Speaking of which, somebody needs to get Denzel’s vote card…STAT. I wonder which song he voted for? Because you KNOW Jamie Foxx voted for “…Pimp” to win. Did you see how happy he was??? I myself just laughed for a good 5 minutes. In glee bitches, in glee.

Hell, now I’m waiting for them to drop their next album featuring the lead-single, club banger, “Bitch I Got An Oscar”. I think it would go something like this:

“they hatin’ on us but we did it/so fuck all them hatin’ violatin’ ass bitches/you bitch nigga’s sittin at home had to watch us/cuz I’m Juicy J and Bitch I got an Oscar”

Speaking of which…on the song “Stay Fly (High)”, Juicy J quips: “I ain’t Denzel, but I know I’m a star”. Well, now you and Denzel have both been recognized by the Academy. You both have Oscars. What are the odds of seeing a collabo between Jamie Foxx, Denzel, and Three 6 Mafia doing a song called “Oscar Nigga!”

There’s so much potential out there now.

Also, what are the odds on Kanye deciding that he wants an Oscar now too. He is doing the song for “Mission Impossible 3.” Will we have to hear him bitch and moan if he doesn’t win next year? Probably…but fuck him today, because Three 6 Mafia is on top of the world.

As much as we want to hate on them, those niggas got themselves an Oscar. In the famous words of Jon Stewart:

“Martin Scorcese zero Oscar’s, Three 6 Mafia…one!”

Collar’s were popped, clubs were torn up, spinners were rode, two-ways were exchanged with freaks, and sizzurp was sipped.

And George Clooney got bigged up.

“You leave you’re Oscar ’round me, bitch you’re Oscar gonna get snatched up…”

Good damn job.